4 Keys to Getting Over a Narcissist and Rebuilding

I’ve just left my husband after 4 yrs of mental and physical abuse which was the worst feeling of torture I’ve from someone I trusted and loved dearly.
I feel like my whole future was cruelty ripped away from me. I’m struggling with who I am and where my life should be heading.

I’m living in my caravan at my parents and feel so alone and completely lost in direction. I’ve lost my career and barely hanging onto the casual job I have now.
Please tell me this gets easier and I will find enjoyment in life again. I just struggle to see it clearly at the moment.

He is trying all sorts of hovering and crying and begging for me to go home to him. Which is hard for me to ignore. I miss him terribly but I know I need to move on and stay clear of him so I can get myself well again and find direction again in my life.
My mind says one thing but my heart is generally what wins and it’s so hard to keep it in front.

Thank you Kim! You provide hope to the hopeless.

Yes, my sense of self identity was affected by abuse. I am recovering. It has been long, hard, lonely and enlightening. I look forward to the day when I will no longer think of the abuser just live my life.

dang kids…this is tuff….I still had to bite him so hard for the last couple of days that I feel I am the Narc!! I sent over 100 texts to him today letting him know just exactly how and what my thoughts are about his behaviour…I was loaded for bear!! I am a firecracker !! And will not allow him to get the upper hand on me again. Nor, will I allow him to make me sick again! After reading and finding out that he cheating on me …I lost my S@@t! He is lucky that I did not see him and her walking down the street…Finally the family stepped in and let him have it too…but it is too late for him and I anymore…thank God I have not vested more than 2 years in this mess. I am a wreak but with all the information and tools I have here on Kims website…and her daily contact…I am getting better…just so angry at myself and sick that I allowed myself to love a creep who could care less about me.

I appreciate the advice given but need to let you know that I have learned a lot about COVERT narcissists in the past 20 years and can tell you that they do not quite fit the description of the common or garden narcissist! Apparently some people can be married to a covert narcissist for 30-40 years before they even begin to suspect that there’s nothing wrong with themselves (the victims of the abuse). The covert narcissist presents the ideal image in public and also to most members of his/her family and inflicts insidious abuse to usually only one person at a time, who represents their despised alter ego. Covert narcissists – gentle, unassuming and even humble types – are more dangerous than any other type of narcissist and nobody else will believe or help the victim until it’s too late. This dangerous type of narcissist will drive their victim to insanity or even murder their hated spouse and make it look accidental. The covert narcissist is the master of manipulation, the champion gaslighter. This is probably also the type of narcissist that gets away with the most financial abuse. (Overt narcissists like to flaunt their wealth, covert ones buy property in secret and build nest eggs without telling others.)

I can say all this because I was born into victimhood! My mother was a malignant narcissist and psychopath, a complex personality. At age 22 I left home and married this seemingly kind, gentle young man. Oops! It was only after about 20 years that I began to suspect that he had been playing me (and fooling others) since Day 1. Following his two attempts on my life, I prepared my way to exit the relationship after 27 years of marriage . . . but not before I had found a “best friend” who was too good to be true. (It took me 16 years before I realised that she had NPD.) Yes, until I was 63 years old, I had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like! I’m 70 now and still learning but I’m sure you’ll appreciate that I really know what I’m talking about!!!

Karen, please keep your a truth, as that will eventually set you free. I know, I have walked your path. There is hope to you coming back to your authentic self. Take your time to re-invest in you. Hard, but necessary to move forward and reclaim the life you deserve

Absolutely brilliant so very true

I like this one, I am learning to smile again. 🙂

I’m 64yrs old with sentimental values. I met my narc 30yrs ago and married him out of desperation at the time. I regret ever meeting him except for giving me two beautiful children. He took advantage of my love for him and he almost took my life. They are dangerous preditors and from beginning to end he wanted me to suffer for loving him. How sad and crazy is that. We still live together but in separate rooms without speaking to each other until we divorce. And what’s so sad to me is that I put up with his behavior for so many years thinking that will get better but never did. Thank God for this program to alert others of the type of people they are. Don’t be naieve as I was.

It’s heartbreaking but somehow I feel a bit of relief whenever I see these kinds of comments. I read articles and i nod and agree and try to absorb but it’s just reading. It really is different when “real-life” people comment with their own stories. It’s then that I relate and realize, I really am not alone.

My ex and I met a year ago, a year and 2 weeks to be exact, but in the past year, I experienced what others did in years, as if I got the condensed, cliff-notes version of being in this kind of relationship. Except for having children with him (thank God!) I went through all the craziness and the lies and mental and physical abuse and losing my job (of 17 years!!!) and health deterioration, the constant chasing, fighting, gaslighting, triangulation (ooh he was good at that!), hoovering, and eventually, losing myself.

I’m scrambling to let go and start over, but like some dark magic spell, I still love him and long for him. I ask him to stay after he beats me, because I feel he’s the only one to make me feel better. How twisted is that? My story is long and filled with lies and betrayal and narcissistic mind games, but I know I need to move on to a healthier, happier life.

My mind knows this. My heart knows this. Even my therapist said I seem to have all the knowledge needed to move forward, but what I need to work on is the power behind the knowledge, the courage to make it happen.

My first step though, is to FEEL. Yes, I’ve gone numb. I need to feel and accept that IT happened. To understand that what happened is not ok. That I’m not ok. That I allowed a sick man to ruin me. The ‘me’ who I thought was unbreakable and indestructible. But I will rebuild and take back control and heal. My new motto and what I tell myself every minute is…

One day at a time.

Kim I often think of the statement “ two steps forward and one step back” as a perpetual beginning of my new life after filing divorce with a Narcissist/ Sociapath. One must keep in mind that one step forward is progress and every step I push through to gain is my new life free of abuse. There will and are going to be good days and bad days. You are right to say this abuse and it’s monstrous effects did not occur in one day , it occurred through decades for me so I must be patient and take the time and not feel guilty for how long it will take before I can see the Monster as only a memory . And this will make me stronger, wiser and a better person in this world, that is my goal and I will achieve it because I am not alone and know how important it is to keep myself involved in this beautiful resource full world of women who are using there past suffering and survivorship like you to help women and men survive their suffering. and learn to thrive like we all deserve to do in this world. ? Kimberley

My son is in a relationship with a narcissist. They have a son together. He loves her and makes all sorts of excuses for her. Now he is lying to his family. He has read some of the characteristics of a narcissist and has decided they fit him too.
Is there any way that i can help him before he is completely lost? They have a 3 year old son who doesnt deserve being stuck in the middle of this. Also the chance tbat he turns out to be like her. My son has most of the custody of their son.

Except for the “love bombing stage”, my 17 year relationship has been an emotional roller coaster. I am a healthcare provider with 3 degrees, you would think I’d know better but the personality of this profession makes you more vulnerable. He has ruined 2 of my careers and turned my daughter against me. He filed for divorce-just to beat me at it-and we have been separated for 7 months. He is on the kidney transplant list so is making himself to be the victim. I had to issue a TRO against him 3 weeks after his open heart surgery because he pushed me on my 4 week old surgical site and cause much pain and put me at risk for surgery complications. Everyone except my friends is sympathizing with him. In spite of all this, and much more, I do feel like I love him! It is stupid but as Kim says, Narcissists have a dangerous hold on their unsuspecting victims. I am devastated about my daughter. She has blocked my calls to her and my granddaughter. I am slowly recovering but have to manage many things before I can totally move on as he does nothing in true Narcissist form. Hanging in their, sheryl

Thank you for all your inspiration and encouragement. It is truly uplifting to read and know that I’m going to be ok.

It’s been a year and a half a day Dirsnt go by that I still don’t ask myself what I could have done different . I know it’s not me , I know it’s a fantasy and I’ve kearned so much from Kim. I’m not quite there yet but getting better . The live bombing has finally stopped about two months know without contact . 13 years of this abuse I suffered in silence always thinking it was me. Time has helped but I feel myself slipping into depression at 54 I don’t see much hope

It’s been a year and a half a day Ford this go by that I still don’t ask myself what I could have done different . I know it’s not me , I know it’s a fantasy and I’ve kearned so much from Kim. I’m not quite there yet but getting better . The live bombing has finally stopped about two months know without contact . 13 years of this abuse I suffered in silence always thinking it was me. Time has helped but I feel myself slipping into depression at 54 I don’t see much hope

On Nivember 3, I posted my initial posting. My comment here is about my narcissist husband withholding sex and love for years. I’m tired. Separate bedrooms and no connection physically even at 56 has worn me down. I’ve had sex a handful of times since our 11 year old was born. It stopped. Blaming me is old. I deserve better and I want to love again healthily and be loved. It’s normal. This is not.

Thank you for all of the great work you are doing in bringing this issue to light. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for over 20 years never being able to figure out exactly what was going on and always feeling anxious and enslaved. The hard part now is that I feel very empty and worry that I will never find my spark again – which would be truly devastating. I am trying desperately to find myself again and am hanging on tightly to the belief that I will be even happier and more fulfilled than before. It’s very hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry sometimes.

Kim and others,
Throughout my 40 days of NC…I did not …CHOSE not to read this blog. Because it scared me….I did not want to acknowledge that somewhere in my 4 yr journey with my N…I LET MYSELF DISAPPEAR. To my son, my family, my friends. After 40 days of NC…I look back at who I was before my N….wow….where did HE go ? The very things that attracted my N to me….are the things I have lost. Love of life, energy, exuberant passion about everything, smiling, laughing, confidence…..wow….confidence. As I look back, I realize…hard to say it….but what I ALLOWED to happen to me stripped away a lot of that. I won’t use the adjectives to describe who I became…suffice to say the opposite of all of those other nice things I wrote above.
Having read this blog today, I am committed to being that person again. Because I still am that person. I just allowed someone to cause doubt and insecurity in me.
It starts in 15 minutes when I wake my son up…..THAT ME has to be back….and as much as it may be a journey….it starts NOW !!
As you say Kim….the spark is still there….just diminished. I reignite that spark today. Now. It starts with a smile.
Thank you so much.
Bradley

Kim,

Your articles, advice and support have helped me to heal. I’m one year free of my N and looking back, while I feel foolish for being a “sucker”, I can’t help but be impressed with the progress I made and continue to make. I’m “me” again and I wake each day with a smile happy to be free of the drama, games and lies. I never thought I would get here so for anyone just beginning the journey I say this…read the articles, believe in yourself, forgive yourself and know that the pain will pass, you will come out stronger and he (she) will be sentenced to a life of lies, misery, unhappiness and failed relationships. Be glad they are gone – you (me) are worthy of so much more.

Thank you Kim for such a wonderful blog.
The bit where you say it’s our beautiful qualities that attract the narcissist and the lack of appreciation and validation that damages us is so true Kim.
I feel that I have lost part of me, my self esteem has been knocked so badly and it has affected me in so many ways.
They cause all the damage and skip off to their next supply whilst we are left to pick up the pieces.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! If it weren’t for your generous giving of clarity, I would still be wilting on the vine and living but barely breathing (and likely drinking to self-medicate which is not a good option for me) under the thumb of the NPD person.
I see this is my phase now. And I was experiencing it so deeply I was seriously considering rehoming my two horses I’ve had since they were born and are so dear to me, and quitting my self-employment as a massage therapist which I love and once believed I was very successful at in providing healing and de-stressing for others. But now, I realize it’s so very important to not make any major decisions during this time when in mourning.
Your words are the Balm of Gilead and if you were here with me I would hug the stuffing out of you!!! XO

I’ve been involved on and off with a narcissist for about 8 years. Shaking this toxic relationship is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. Over that time, I’ve spent countless hours reading articles, blogs, etc. on the subject. I can honestly say that this article is one of the most spot-on, poignant and uplifting pieces I’ve read yet on the subject.

I distinctly remember the first time I noticed that the sense of joy I previously experienced (with special events, holidays, my childrens’ milestones, etc.) was no longer there. And the pain of noticing the absence of joy. I’m in the process of detaching myself from the relationship, which I’ve tried numerous times and only temporarily been successful at. I want to keep this email in my inbox to read and remind myself every day that I’m not alone in these feelings. And that the former version of me and the spark still exist inside me and can be nurtured back to health with patience, no contact and the support of people like Kim and her community.

Thank you, Kim. You have helped so many.

Dear Kim, I have a question. I´m totally identified with this: “One of the reasons that Empaths and Sensitives are subconsciously drawn to Narcissists is because we come into the world wanting to fix people and things that are broken and/or unjust. We are here to help other people heal”
It´s the way I feel. But I found it´s very frustrating trying to give some advices to people and see that they are not ready to realized in a clear way like I do. I waste a lot of my energy trying to fix people. And now I´m feeling I want to be alone, I don´t want to create a deep connection because it hurts me a lot. I think people must walk his/her way. But I can feel all the feelings of people. I take a lot of information about their feelings, sometimes it´s amazing but sometimes it hurts because I see that people have many unconscious problems that I can feel. It´s lot of pain for me. So,if my nature is wanting to help people, what is the limit between me and the rest of people? Now I´m trying to give some advice and then let the destiny works.
An answer would be a relief. Thank you so much.

I know what you mean. I dont know who I am any more,all the things I used to love, I find no pleasure in, no ambition to pursue.i feel like an empty shell walking about, going through the motions of some sort of existence.

Where does one start when it comes to sharing a story? I am a male of 40 something. My relationship with a narcissist is a story. I write this to evidence what happens when you meet the social reptile in fem form. Yes it happens to both sexes and must be made clear. There are just as many femme fatalles out there as men. Of course it would be sexist to say otherwise wouldn’t it? There are after all undiagnosed if they believe there is nothing wrong with them.
I had never been good at chatting up girls. But as my confidence grew with age I kind of thought hey lets play the dating game. The internet had arrived and it was easy to go looking at pics and profiles. In 2011 I had reconnected with a lot of old friends from the past via Facebook and, like you do, I was looking through a friend’s list of his friends if there were any others I knew. And there was this girl. Such a pretty girl. And I told her so ” Wow you are beautiful” was my simple initiated message. And so it began. She was actually my friend’s sister but diff surname through marriage. 6 months later we finally dated. I was, from the moment we met in love. Our date went well. And it seemed to go too quick. And that was me hooked. Looking back with the wisdom we now have of how they work us in Love-Bombing , the wild sex, the doppleganging etc. No wonder I fell into the trap. But there was something not right? The traits were all there and it doesn’t take long to expose them, but you cant see the red flags can you? I mean after all you fell in love. Yes there’s a book’s worth of trait examples. The Narc rage, lack of empathy, The Space ship moments. The blame shift, the financial lies. The victim act. The sleep deprivation.. Oh what a story! What a journey. The manipulation of my own family and friends thinking how good she was. Endless act isn’t it? I can remember saying to a friend of mine when she asked me “how it was going with CL?” and I clearly remember saying to her: She does my head in at times. “It’s like I’m dealing with a child at times” Yes us victims know now don’t we. That feeling of needed to trust our gut instinct and not our private parts. After all love isn’t a message on a Post It Note. So be strong in the knowledge that you survived a narcissist. It takes a chunk out but we become stronger and wiser. Toughen up. Accept it and as hard though it is with the C-PTSD scars, go and don’t fall for one again. Read all you can about the social reptiles that walk amongst us. After all we were taught to know the Golden Rule: ‘If something is too good to be true, it usually is’ And you know, for a streetwise lad, my lovely old lady neighbour stuck it in a nutshell of a phrase… “All That Glistens Isn’t Gold” Peace and Love yes, but keep your shield with you at all times. There really is some scary monsters out there. And they charm us. Sorry I am rubbish at writing. Small Pierre

Hi Kim, as always, thank you so much for your comments. They are a therapy for myself. I have been realized about the idea of taking care of myself with love. I´m always out of my needs and love. I´m always alert of the people´s mood. If they are in a good mood about me I´m ok,if not I feel terrible nervous. Like if all my world trembled. I feel like a little girl (because of my narcissistic mother and ex-boyfriend) in the middle of nothing. But thanks to you I´m assimilating what you say:”In order to connect with our spark again, we must realize that we are rehabilitating ourselves and begin to treat ourselves as the highest priority and with care and love” , for me and for my son. It´s like a mantra today. I thought thinking of myself with love was selfish.
Thank you so much from my heart.

Thank you. A good post. 🙂

I have a picture of me at the beginning of our relationship and one during the fourth round. The light is definitely missing…from my smile to my eyes.

Absolutely true!

I love your posts. This rings very true. I fell deeply for my narcissist and yet am very clear that he is poison to me. What I appreciate about your writing is that it is distinct from alot of the standard dating advice out there. Alot of the gurus don’t factor this into their work, especially the love coaches. For a normal guy their advice may apply. For a narcissist, it simply doesn’t apply.

For 35 years I thought there was something wrong with me and one day I came across a site about dating a narcissist. It was like a bolt of lighting hit me and I realized what the problem was. I had flashbacks of all my previous relationships rushing through my head. Your website has been like a wonderful medication and has brought back my hope! I am now taking my time to learn to take care of myself and set appropriate boundaries. I can’t thank you enough for sharing. Your words are changing my life!

This article is so true! I’ve been always a very creative person. When I got involved with my ex partner I lost every interest in this area of my life.
For many years I planned and worked in my out of USA home, I accomplished a lot and had so many projects that used to keep me so excited about life and the dreams of me been there and enjoying every corner of the home I dreamed and worked for during long, long time.
When he came to the picture things started to change and in one year of the relationship I dropped off all those dreams and projects.
I regret so much this situation. I can’t believe how easy I gave up on such important part of me. Creativity was the deepest connection with my self and now I feel so lost some times.
I have been in recovery for almost 2 years and doing very good for the most part but I really miss the little inner child in me having so much joy just by feeling the texture of fabrics, the beauty of the wood and in general the enormous sources that were given to me.
I acknowledge my loss now and pray to God to help me to recover this part of me.
All my best to you all. Thank you for reading.
Leonardo

Thank you so much for all you have shared on your website! You have been the largest contributor to my healing. Your support in NO CONTACT was the only way I could have gotten away from the iron worker Narc who was once part of my life. I’m prompted to write today because of residual health issues he brought about in me.

After a couple years of him screaming at me and basically destroying who I was, I developed a bleeding ulcer on a hiatus hernia and IBS. When I would rub my belly or mention my health, he would call me a hypochondriac, whiner or a big baby. This was of course because he never complained about having stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma with 6 months to live. Of course he’s not dead yet after 3 years because the cancer was a lie!

Anyways, one year after my first episode in the hospital, tests, scopes and pills, I have been pain free until last week. The doc explained that my small amount of work related stress now affects me on a greater level due to the couple of years of stomach stress and not seeking medical attention.

To anyone who has found yourself looking for answers here please take care and just know that your life and the lives of your children are worth so much more than how your are treated by your Narc. I’m an addictions counselor and I see so many similarities in the LOVE BOND (not love) and any other addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, negative self talk, suicidal ideation, gambling, etc.

You can make it without the Narc and I agree wholeheartedly that the only way (if possible), is the go no contact!

Bright Blessings

I am 56 years old and still with my 62 year old narcissist husband of 13 years. We have an 11 year old daughter. I’m trying to leave but so dependent financially as he made it but now blamed me of course. I’m a wreck and trying to detach emotionally and find some of who I am again. I have to leave and it’s scary. Thank you for your work to help us all who are or have been damaged by these people.

Thank you. That is just what I needed to hear this morning. It was like my feelings were answered and validated.

This post came at precisely the right time. Thank you.

This is such needed information! thank you for sharing. It can be very scary to feel as if we have lost ourselves.

Beautiful and all so true. My narcissist stole my soul. He went in and scraped every bit of “me” out that he could. I love the word “rehabilitation.” I am still in that phase and it’s taking longer because we are “co-parenting” and by saying that I mean, I have and do everything for my boys, and he finances it. As my boys get older, I am working on less and less contact with him. It’s a challenge because I am still dependent on him financially.