Emotional texts and emails to the narcissist…just don’t

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You sit down at your computer.

You’ve had something on your mind and you need to share it.

You head over to your email account, hit “compose” and enter the narcissist’s email address.

Or, maybe you initiated an attempt at No Contact, but didn’t really block the offender.  After sending an emotional email to the narcissist and checking your inbox or phone for days straight, you finally get the “I miss you” text, but when you respond back…crickets.

So, instead of pecking around on your iPhone, you sit down to write a come-to-Jesus email to the narcissist in your life.

It doesn’t matter which scenario foreshadows the event, what ensues is the email tsunami from hell.

You know what I’m talking about…the frame-by-frame depiction of all the pain and suffering they’ve put you through. Your rapid succession, chapter-length emails aimed at giving them lessons on being a decent human that always seem to get lost in cyber-space.

Then, after pouring out your heart and soul for hours straight, you finally get their reply:

“You’re crazy”.


“I think you should see a therapist”


“Oh sorry, just got this”, with zero acknowledgment of the messages you sent, much less your emotional state.

You’re not dealing with a typical person – you’re dealing with a narcissist

Makes you feel kind of high strung, doesn’t it?  That’s how I always felt when I sent email tsunamis to my narcissistic ex.  I must have sent thousands of them before finally ending the relationship. And with each one I wrote, I lost more of my power…until I just didn’t have any fight left.

Being a writer, an INFJ, and an Empath, words mean everything to me.  To my ex, they were either fodder for his entertainment or ammunition to use against me later.

I know you want them to understand.  You want them to “get it”, but you’re just wasting your precious energy while giving away your power with every email you send to them.

Narcissists absolutely love it when we send email tsunamis.  It means we’ve been worked into a feverish frenzy over something they said or did.  They don’t care about how we feel, but they sure love knowing they have such an enormous effect on us.

In fact, sometimes they enjoy our hateful emails even more than the loving ones.  If they’ve pushed us far enough to feel that we hate them, it means their mind-games have finally come full circle. And it usually provokes them to treat us worse, because, by the time we start with the email tsunamis, it means we’re trauma-bonded and brainwashed.  They are able to infer this because they’ve been getting these same emails for years from everyone they’ve been in relationships with.  

To us, our emails are an attempt to make them see the light because we have feelings and want to make the relationship work.  Or, at the very least, induce a modicum of empathy in them.  For the narcissist, it’s a green light for them to tap into their underground crazy.

Narcissists don’t process or experience emotions the way average people do and this is reflected in their abusive behavior. As such, you cannot respond to a narcissist in the same way you might respond to other people and expect a similar outcome.

How Narcissists Feel About Goodbye Emails or That ‘One Last Conversation’

If you’ve had the “last conversation” with a person in your life due to their relationship crimes, this is a clear sign you are dealing with a narcissistic manipulator.⁣⁠
How many “last conversations” do you plan to have with them? Nothing will be accomplished by that last cup of coffee, the last email tsunami, or sending them long paragraphs about how much they hurt you. It only shows them how much power they have over you…and makes you feel “had” in the end.⁣⁠
Think of it this way…you know those word search puzzles where someone says “pick out the first three words you see” in a box of random letters? This is (literally) what the narcissist does when you spend all that time and energy writing to them. They scan for words like ‘hurt’, ‘pain’, ‘can’t breathe’…and then they go about their day feeling smug that they can very likely insert themselves back into your life whenever they want to. ⁣⁠
You’re giving them the blueprint on what they should continue doing in order to keep you hurting and trauma-bonded…in other words, consider it a war and you are giving them your position.⁣⁠
If it helps you to write the email tsunamis or the long paragraphs, then do it…but, for the sake of your dignity and your future, don’t send them to the narcissist.

How to Make a Real Impression With a Narcissist: Concrete Steps You Can Take Right Now

Not everyone’s situation is the same. Abuse victims often find out they’re dating, living with, or even raising a family with a narcissist after quite some time. In other cases, you’re dealing with a narcissist in your family or work environment.

When you decide to finally break free, a lot of people may not believe your experience. That’s okay: they don’t have to because you know the truth.

Still, cutting a person out of your life isn’t easy – especially one clinging to you for the delicious supply you’ve been offering them. Here are some tips to start dealing with a narcissist the right way:

  1. Block Everything: Phone numbers, social media accounts, email addresses, flying monkeys, carrier pigeons. If you leave a loophole for the narcissist to contact you, they will exploit it.
  2. Find Support: This may only include one or two people you trust. Confide in someone who will validate and believe you.
  3. Consider a PPO: You don’t know how the narcissist will behave once you cut them off. They may become violent or stalk you, your family members, and friends.
  4. Let People Know: Tell mutual friends you don’t want them to relay any messages from the narcissist – no need to explain why if you aren’t comfortable. This will close every last channel and thoroughly shut down a narcissist.

No, They Won’t Change. This Is the Only Option

The narcissist will not suddenly see things your way.  Don’t believe the conflicting information you might see from other websites or therapists – the narcissist will never change.

Studies suggest that over 6% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

Narcissism is part of the dark triad. The dark triad falls under dark psychology, which looks mostly at insidious behaviors and analyzes manipulation, deception, mind control, and other malevolent schemes. The other two personalities that fall under the dark triad are psychopathy and Machiavellianism. Narcissism has been found to have a significant correlation with psychopathy. 

Further, studies have suggested that on average, those who exhibit the dark triad of personality traits engage in a game-playing romance style.  These same traits have been identified as part of a fast life strategy that appears to be enacted by an exploitative and opportunistic approach to life in general.

Anything less than cutting them out of your life will give you a mental and emotional breakdown.

No Contact is the Only Way to Shut Down a Narcissist

Many narcissists have always been this way – even as far back as their teenage or childhood years. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you cannot and should not expect them to change their behavior now or ever.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder often involves things like cognitive behavioral therapy. In many cases, a narcissist may also suffer from other mental illnesses like depression or substance use disorder. (You’ve probably heard extensively about these problems, too, when the narcissist needs your sympathy or someone to blame.)

Despite this, there is little evidence to suggest therapy actually works for narcissists as personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat. The first step to getting help is to admit a problem exists – the narcissist will never believe they have or are a problem.

No Contact is the only option.

Trust in yourself and your support system. Because once you get to the other side and stick to No Contact, you’ll be amazed by all the amazing things you can accomplish.

To summarize, each time we engage in email tsunamis, we give away pieces of our dignity and self-respect.  Save your emotions for your journal, your therapist, or your cat.  The narcissist just doesn’t care.

Recovery involves rewriting everything you thought you knew about yourself. It requires rebuilding your identity – or in many cases building an identity for the first time.  A narcissistic abuse recovery program can help you avoid relapse by learning about yourself, habits, and triggers.

The Essential Break Free Bootcamp may be the missing piece of the puzzle. 

I know what you’re going through and I’m here to help. Learn more about the course and see what my students and neuroscience experts have to say about it.

Vernon, Philip A.; Villani, Vanessa C.; Vickers, Leanne C.; Harris, Julie Aitken (January 2008). “A behavioral genetic investigation of the Dark Triad and the Big 5”. Personality and Individual Differences. 44 (2): 445–452

Jonason, Peter K.; Kavanagh, Phillip (October 2010). “The dark side of love: Love styles and the Dark Triad”. Personality and Individual Differences. 49 (6): 606–610

Jonason, Peter K.; Webster, Gregory D. (March 2012). “A protean approach to social influence: Dark Triad personalities and social influence tactics”. Personality and Individual Differences. 52 (4): 521–526

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Leave a Comment:

JC says December 14, 2023

It’s crazy how deeply connected you feel to them after such a short period of time. I dealt someone for only a few weeks and feel like my best friend died even months later. I miss them and just wish they would get help. I’m maintaining no contact, but I have those moments when I just want to know if they’re ok.

Anonymous says November 29, 2022

Kim: Can you please advise me what to do? I have not seen my ex in 4 YEARS, I have been completely no contact for about 9 months (yes, I foolishly spoke to him as “friends” once in a while prior to that, always trying to completely cut contact). I changed my phone number (several times…) and email so he cannot contact me that way. However, he found my work email because it’s online and I cannot have it changed due to the nature of my employment–it’s not possible. I block him and he gets new email addresses. This work emailing stopped for quite a while but started again last week. He also keeps sending me gifts and crap through the mail. I do not want to move! The postal service told me there is nothing they can do. Last time, I did not open and threw it away. This time, it said what it was on the box and I opened and donated it. Should I be marking all mail return to sender or would that be breaking no contact? What can I do about the emails? I used to freak out when he sent me things or wrote me and break contact to yell at him but I’m not doing that anymore. It’s been 9 months. He also knows I’ve been dating someone else for over a year. I’m starting to worry he will come to my house. I plan to call the cops immediately if he does this. This is a man who physically hurt me and often threatened to kill my cat and me.

Anonymous says August 4, 2020

I am going thru this now. It is awful.

Barbara Underwood says April 9, 2020

What if the narcissist is my adult daughter who uses my grandchildren as a way of control

    Donna says February 8, 2021

    I’m going through a similar situation but it’s my son who uses my grandkids as a way of control. It’s so difficult. I would appreciate any kind of feed back on theses situations

Michelle says April 7, 2020

Once I realized just how shallow and awful he was, I felt I couldn’t trust him with my real feelings. I hid them and kept them protected.

Michael says April 7, 2020

Hello Ms Kim Saeed , hope your doing well . March 13 my ex sent me a email she didn’t ask , she told me to get over her and to leave her alone . I was doing as she wanted , it was a rough , as days would go by it seemed like things were getting better ! March 28 I received a message that I ignored , the 29 of March I receive a phone call I answered to hang up on her hoping she would get the hint , that didn’t work ! She was persistent until I gave in to her because I loved her , I thought she was changing ! Wishful thinking on my part , again for being an idiot I’m back to what seems like the beginning of this torture ! It’s not a good feeling being a man and literally being knocked to my knees by a woman that thinks what she is doing is funny and she could careless the damage she’s caused ! I know I need to build up my strength , it’s a challenge within it self everyday ! I hope one day to look back at this experience and know that I successfully made it through this and I’ll be able to help someone in the same situation and to let them know things will get better if you stick to no contact !

Anonymous says April 6, 2020

Thank u… i literally did this last week today abd on the ohone today. It started with he texted he missed me. I ignored . I responded something short he called. Then i try to say lets b adukts stop saying u miss me let heal if no hope . Last week was painful . N then bam blame game n im sobbing TRYING to tell him and get him to seem human n understabd the pain again!!! N how hard it is to pick up pieces! He says “u won’t have any problem” and refers to the time i went on a date n lied! How dare i? I hurt him so bad. But allll he dud to me and what lead up to it ! I ran back apologozed n tried so hard to show him i loved him. 2 years later here we are! ?. If u will resevd the stuff or reach out to me perhaps i can get pricing etc. thank u very fitting today of all days!

Jane says April 6, 2020

I know well the email tsunamis. I agree that writing them, and not sending them, is the best approach if you simply must purge. It’s like releasing pus from a boil. Gross, but the same. No healing can occur without removing the infection, and sometimes it takes a marathon surgery to get it all out. It can leave you exhausted and that’s a very good sign. But, I go one step further and destroy the emails after they have been written. I have no need to hold on to the, to examine them, to go back and revisit them. Once I have expelled the venom, I set fire to it and then dust my hands of it.

    Kim Saeed says April 6, 2020

    Such wonderful insight, Jane. Thank you for sharing.

    Kim Xo

Lori says April 6, 2020

This article about the “tsunami emails” so takes me back! With your experience you have given me that final push I needed to accept he’s not changing, he doesn’t care, you would walk right back into the same old same old, DONT DO IT!!

I think being big hearted compassionate people make it hard to understand how someone cannot reflect on and hear what you are saying about the hurt they caused, but they CANT.
I feel like a newborn baby, with a new life ahead of me and I thank you SO much for helping me get there.
There’s always a silver lining and through this relationship I have encountered amazing people and you are for sure one of them. ?

Catherine says April 5, 2020

Weird this just found its way into my inbox. A few hours ago, I received an unwanted message from a “carrier pidgeon”.(formerly well-meaning flying monkey). My former fake friend, who I went no contact with in August, told her to say, “Hi,” from her. I did not cave in to her smear campaign (telling mutual acquaintances I’m withdrawing due to mental illness), I resisted the holiday Hoover (bumped into her at store and she asked to stop by my house to bring my GSDog a Christmas present), etc. Last time I saw her was at a funeral in early Jan. I mistakenly thought she had finally moved on. I told my carrier pigeon that I had no response whatsoever. “Give her nothing from me.” Tonight I was thinking of my carrier pigeon’s need to be a peacemaker and a people pleaser, so I started thinking she may mislead this narc former friend and make up something nice I said, so as not to “hurt her feelings.” I was thinking of sending her a text saying something like, “This is my response to your attempt at a “Hi” greeting. Get over it, Get over your self, and Fuck Off. We’re done here.” I’m worried she will continue using my other friend’s Catholic Guilt vulnerabilities against her and never stop sending “messages.” I’m at a crossroads and wondering if inaction is the safest course of action in this scenario.

Maciej Krukierek says April 5, 2020

Dear Kim, first of I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for literally saving my life and if not my life than at minimum my sanity, my future and the happiness of it. Without your blog and emails I don’t thing I would be here today. You were and you are the beacon of light in the darkness full of loneliness, fear, self destruction, inability to move forward, lack of understanding from almost everybody I knew, except one person who just like me was dealing with the narcissist in his life, and after hearing a couple of things I said about my relationship and it’s problems he straight away knew with whom I was dealing with, you know what they say, you have wrote that yourself a couple of times and I learned later on, after going no contact, once you know one narcissist you know them all. Thanks to my friend suggestion I logged into the Quora website and that’s where I found references to your website to which I subscribed after reading the first article about narcissist abuse. In that very moment everything have changed, the world which stood upside down went almost completely back into its original position. With the first few lines I knew that I wasn’t going crazy, that the thing I was going through and the person I fell in love so deeply and for whom I almost lost my mind, had a name, the narcissist. I learned quickly that I wasn’t alone, that even though this is pretty rare personality disorder at the same time is not that rare, I learned about terms such ‘love bombing’, ‘silent treatment’, ‘gas lighting’ and many, many more.
What surprised me was the fact like similar was other experiences, how predictable the narcissist behaviour and tactics were, my narcissist was the book example to almost everything you wrote. For me that was enough, that thing had a name, his behaviour was predictable, his background and childhood reflected everything you wrote on the subject. I don’t go no contact at first, because as an empath, I tried to help his, I thought I would be able to do it, for 3 months I tried to reason with him, I tried to explain him that what he has done to me and other people and was still doing was wrong and harmful. I thought at first that I was going somewhere with it, he acknowledged it, said he would try to change, he would do this and that, in reality he was planing how to use my generosity, my kindness, how to hurt me and abuse me even more, how to get away with it and make sure that everyone else will think that I got insane and he wasn’t the one to be blamed, he was the perfect friend, the role model he thought and pretended always he is, for he knew what to say each time I would ask him a question, he had all the answers, he understood me like nobody else before, he offered his help, and made sure I would fall into his trap, his emotional, trauma bonding, addiction like correlation. And quickly and incredibly deep I have fallen. For instance after only 3 months down the road of love bombing, i was not able to fall asleep without hearing or reading his message good night, after only 3 months. Incredible, isn’t it. I 41 years old men, pretty strong, both mentally and physically, within 3 months ends up being conditioned receiving a message goodnight, without which I would not fall asleep and think about crazy things entire night. I tried to help him, but quickly I realised that I won’t be able to, that nobody will be able to do that. With my last attempt, with my last generosity act, and his reaction to it, I had no doubt, nobody and never will be able to help him. I called him for the first time by his real name, I said: you are really a person with the personality disorder called the narcissistic personality disorder, I gave wrote to him a coupe of the narcissist main characteristics and gave a few examples of it, ending with the lack of accountability.
I said that this is it, enough, this is my last message he will get from me.I said that I can’t not hate him as he wanted me to do, that a part of me will love him forever,, because of him, whether it was real or not on his side it was real on my side, everything what I felt was real, everything I did I did it out of love, out of love for him. Thanks to that I learned so much about myself, I learned that I am capable to loving somebody for who he is, it doesn’t matter now that this wasn’t true, I knew I was able to love a human being not because of his social position, looks, money in his bank account, house or car he had, but for whom he was, and if I have done this ones, I will be able to do it again. I repeated one last time, this is my last message to you, you will never hear from me again.
Of course his answer was a total denial of everything, he called me names, said that I am crazy, and that if I ever contact him, our friends, his family or family friends he will get the court order to keep me away from him. In the end he wished me well, and added that he hopes I will get well one day, and that he hasn’t got any personality disorders, that he’s only problems are the stress which in majority is created by me and my irrational behaviour. That was his last attempt to get the higher ground, to take control and be able to say, that he was the one who ended the relationship, because of me and my crazy behaviour to which he had enough of. The most funny thing in all this is, that this day when all this has happened I realised that he was with his new supply in his house, 248 km away in his house, when the other guy husband was away for business, and I knew that person accidentally, I knew exactly where he lives, and I knew that because I introduced him to my narcissist myself, and I knew that because I often chatted with him online, through an app which is showing the exact distance between both messaging people . I remembered by heart the number of kilometres my mate was living with his husband, and when I talked through that app with my narcissist not knowing where he is, after another lie, when he was trying to explain me where he is and when he will be back, I saw his distance, the same number of kilometres 248, and click, a voile, I told him where he was and with whom, I told him who he is and that this is the last time he heard from me and bang, I went no contact, and it’s been almost 1 year, 1 long year I didn’t message him and after a couple of attempts on his side, I also never heard back from him. He knew that I know who he really is and what his real name is. I think he got scared and this is way he stopped messaging me.
There are still days when I think about him, about us, about the things which happened and about the love that gave me wings, which he quickly cut. I will never hate him, I pity him to be honest, because it must be really hard not to know what he really is, what he is looking for, and what he will never feel or understood, because it was never his fault in the first place that his parents didn’t do their role, didn’t shown him unconditional love, didn’t though him the prime emotions and feeling which define us as human beings, which give the sense to our life’s and are worth living for, such as compassion, forgiveness, empathy, kindness, generosity and most of all LOVE, which even thought wasn’t real on his side, was very much so real on my, and that’s why I can not hate him, I can only pity him, and hope that one day thanks to such important work as yours, my dear friend Kim, maybe one day we will be able to erased the Ill imprint he has in his head, and replace with the love and all the feelings he should have be given but wasn’t given. Each year we make a new discovery about neurological science, the other day I read about the possibility of erasing our bad self restricting habits, which our subconscious mind learned in the first 3-4 years of our life’s which keeps us alway from becoming who we should be if those barriers were not there, and we would not be afraid to do all the things we can do but we can not, because of our subconscious mind first learned imprints. If we now know that we can get rid of the once which block us and replace them with new ones which finally will enable us to do everything what we were design to do and achieve in this life, then believe me, everything is possible, everything is really possible, if we set our minds on it, everything is possible, even curing the narcissist. And one last thing, I know that not just because I read the article about redesigning our subconscious programs, but since the first day I met my narcissist, the moment we had which lasted 30 min here on Earth and much longer in some other time and space, I saw in the narcissist eyes, the child he once was, I saw his spirit, his soul, I fell in love with it and with him, before he began the known to him love bombing, trauma bonding and later silent treatments he started implementing, before all that happened I saw his pure soul, which isn’t bad and never was, bad ate some imprints he learned what he was 1-4 years of age, programs which potentially we learning how to erase. I am not scientist in this field, but if that’s true than logic suggest me that there maybe a cure for the narcissist, and we may find it sooner than we think.
I will leave on that note.
Once again thank you for your work, for doing and believing what what you doing l, which we all know and can feel it, and because of it everything what you wrote and suggest is so easy for us, victims of the narcissist to digest, believe in and learn from.
I have a couple of other suggestions, so as you say, stay tuned, or did I made this up just now, I don’t know, let’s say I didn’t, so for the last time, thank you from the bottom of my heart, my gratitude and respect will go on for much longer than my life here on Planet Earth. Stay tuned and don’t forget to message back. Take care my dear friend Kim
All the best,
Maciej Krukierek

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Jacqueline says November 16, 2016

Hi Kim im ready to rebuild my life after being no contact from my ex covert narcissist for a long while. Im confused as to why your support groups are through facebook. This is an area that is part of my no contact strategy. It is advised as part of no contact to get off social media. Im confused Kim

    Kim Saeed says November 16, 2016

    Hi Jacqueline. I have both a public Facebook page, as well as a private one for members of The Essential No Contact Accelerator Course. The course itself is its own support group and has exclusive, live Q&A sessions. For anyone who wants support on a different platform aside from social media, the best route is to join a private course, membership, or similar platform.

    Nathan says November 22, 2020

    I am a 39 year old man married to a 37yr old female covert Narcissist. I’d consider myself to be good looking, but always had very low self esteem growing up homeschooled, and never dated . When I turn 19 I had my first kiss and girlfriend. That never worked out for long as I refused to explore with her and loose my virginity. That short relationship was the only one I had outside of meeting my wife who s*** m* in with her 5 atius personality and didn’t take no for an answer. We were both young and she was full of life exciting and I was shy and reclusive playing video games while she had lots of friends. We were married and early twenties and begain to have a family. Everything we did every move we made purchasing a house with my savings and my truck and having children I didn’t think she was ready or would be a very good mother given herself absorbed personality but I went along with what she wanted because I was a people pleaser and still am. I’m grateful that I have my 2 wonderful children, And now after 13 years of marriage a failed business because of sacrificing things putting her through school she now has a 6 figure job a wonderful career and barely speaks to me except to put me down and ridicule me. I became so depressed a turn to drugs and alcohol and have just recently returned from treatment. I could use all the prayer out there because I am going to file finally finally I am going to files for divorce tomorrow. Right I’m very fearful of the wrath to come in the battle that I will be facing as she will go from a mild tyrant to a raging psychopath. Wish me luck

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Sarah says November 17, 2015

It’s difficult reading my last post on this thread because I was so strong and was able to objectively give good advice to another reader. And here I am again. This really is just a learning process and I’ve been in this place many times before.
My ex had been emailing me about every one to two weeks and I ignored him. It was him claiming I was stalking him and I wasn’t going to respond to that bull. My first mistake was telling myself that if he emailed me with something worth responding to then I would think it over. Well, he emailed me wanting to make sure I was okay. He had heard about a recent job loss- I thought it was sincere. I stood strong, told him I was good and doing well and he had no reason to worry about me any longer. So then he asked if we could talk on the phone. For this first time he asked if we could go to dinner and if I could just hear him out and talk to him and if I’d give him that one last chance. He said that he was making changes with his drinking and he knew that’s why he lost me and he couldn’t stop thinking about me and he had to give it one more shot before completely waking away- he had to know. I hesitated but I agreed to meet him the next day. That day he texted me asking me how my day was as I was heading home to get ready to meet him. I responded but got no reply in over two hours. So after I washed my hair and pulled myself together, I called him to see when we could meet. He picked up the phone and answered with a fake cough and said “I’m sick”. I couldn’t believe it, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I told him I was sorry to hear that and I assume we won’t be meeting and he asked me if that was okay? I said “no, it’s not okay and I’m going to have to end this now. Thank you for your usual bull shit you told me last night and don’t ever contact me again.” I hung up on him.

It felt great. The old me would have offered to come take care of him, bring him food and try to reschedule our meet for another day- when it was convienent for HIM. But I knew this time it was a lie, that he changed his mind or whatever pathetic reason. However, I am quite upset because in our phone convo it seemed like he was fishing for me to tell him I love him and miss him back. And I did. It didn’t feel right because I don’t love him- but I told him what he wanted to hear. I told him about how my life was going and he didn’t tell me much about his other than he had been on 3 dates and none of them were anything special and he thought about me the whole time, that’s why he had to email me. He also said he was worried that he’d reach out and I’d say I was in another relationship and that I was confused between the two men. I thought that was odd. He fished it out of me that I have not been dating. He knew what to say to get the response he wanted. It’s odd with him because he only calls me and manipulates me when he’s drinking. He’s an alcoholic. When he is sober he is the most boring person you’d ever know. I don’t know if he’s naturally sociopathic and the booze brings it out or if he just is that way when he’s drunk? I wish someone could explain to me.

I shouldn’t have responded. I should have stayed strong like the past few times and I should have never answered his phone call. Now his ego has been fed that I miss him and love him. But I know my truth and I only said those things because I was prodded and my defenses were lowered. As much as I want to email him and tell him nothing I said was true, it won’t matter. He’s done this before, he asks to see me but then he cancels the next day. So it’s very hard for me to know if he’s just a coward and he meant what he said, or he just manipulated me to get my hopes up and then crush them. I feel so stupid. I’m going to up my NC game and block his email now. In the mean time, I wish someone could give me some insight. I’ve never known for sure if he is a narc since he only is abusive when he drinks. I just don’t know.

Disillusioned says November 3, 2015

I did just this. Sending emails and texts even after he had physically assaulted me and threatened to do me professional and reputational harm after I found out he had been cheating on me should I ever tell anyone about our relationship and what he did to me. He told me no one would believe me. Even when his new woman started harassing me and intimidating me at work I was hoping to salvage something. Get an explanation, an apology. I have moved 500 miles away now and still can’t believe the way I was manipulated and brainwashed over a 3 year period. Even when the police have investigated what happened to me, gave me a domestic violence worker which has helped me understand the abuse I experienced I find it hard to understand why I allowed myself to be manipulated. Even when I have seen the 16 pages of lies he wrote about me after I reported his abuse I still didn’t understand. Why would he lie? Why would he include in his lies evidence of him lying about me to his new woman and therefore showing me that the police were right that he manipulated the new woman into intimidating me. I stopped writing to him or contacting him in any way 3 months ago. Blocked him completely. But it is only now with physical distance that I can see the impact this man had on me. I was throwing up before going into work, scared of what he or she might do to me. I was scared to drive around my neighbourhood after she tailgated my car with him in the passenger seat smiling and me driving with.my child in the back of my car. I was scared to get out and live. Being physically away I feel free. I can walk without being scared I might see him. Drive without fear of someone driving recklessly and perhaps injuring me or my child. The panic alarm the police gave me for my house offered me reassurance but also made me anxious, if they gave me this then they knew I was at risk. Now I am free at home again. This journey or chapter has been an awful one. I am trying to move on and forget but flash backs to things he said and done that I thought odd come back to me. How he used sex to punish me. Words to upset me and control me. I am so angry at myself for being taken in by an expert manipulator and pathological liar. But I was. I have paid the price, I have uprooted my job,,house, childs school to escape. I am lucky that I have been able to do this, even though the physical (I’ve been ill for weeks) financial and emotional costs have been high. I am hoping I can now truly move on with my life free from fear, free from anxiety, free from the emotional, psychological, sexual and latterly physical abuse. He fits the blue print of an abuser, he groomed me, taught me to accept, be loyal, keep his secrets. I was dumb, that is the hard part for me. To realise just how dumb I was to put up with lies, deceit, crumbs. Then to miss it when he discarded me! To miss the abusive behaviours! To crave his physical presence, to be held, to have him to talk to, I loved him, people find that hard to understand, tell me I didn’t. But I loved the man I thought he was. The man who appeared vulnerable and in need of my support. The man who could make me feel amazing. But also amazingly bad.

Healing is slow and painful. I stopped looking at the web feeds until today when I realise I still need support and understanding from others who have been through similar traumatic events, I have made huge progress, but the scars are there and still hurt. Baring my soul to him after he abused me didn’t help, didn’t change anything. He ignored my emails. Instead had his new woman harass me. With him playing a pet too, Thank you kim, and to the many others who have shared their experiences which help people like me to take the different steps to move on and heal.

Josephine says November 1, 2015

Hi Kim,
I have been quietly following your site for some time now, mainly towards the latter stages of my four and a half year long-distance relationship with a covert narcissist. Your blog has been a saviour through many particularly dark moments of late, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the validation that I have needed for so long.
I had been in a very manipulative and controlling relationship for years, and I finally broke things off with my ex after he tried to emotionally blackmail my life savings out of me so that he could buy himself a house – I was also caring for my dying grandmother during this time, which he naturally couldn’t care less about – and I had been going no contact since the breakup around four months ago up until this weekend. I had just started to feel like I could actually recover from this nightmare, the glimpses of my pre-narc self were starting to shine through after years and years of misery – their timing is always just so impeccable!
He contacted me off a number that I didn’t recognise, and I should not have taken the bait, but I could not resist. He tells me that he is starting a new job very close by to where I live, and I have entirely crumbled. It was so out of the question for him to live anywhere but his hometown (approximately 70 miles away) when we were together, and he absolutely wouldn’t hear of living and working near where I live – it would be me having to move there if we were to have a future, and I was always the one making the journey to see him, never the other way around. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows exactly how much this would have meant to me had he even gestured this months or years ago. He absolutely knew that this seemingly innocent update would entirely break my heart all over again. I couldn’t stop myself, I sent him a really honest message about how much he had hurt me, and quoted things he had said to me in our last conversation. I asked him to respect my wishes and never contact me again, to which he merely responded “ok”. I know that wearing your heart on your sleeve with these people only results in it being ripped apart in front of your very eyes, but I suddenly felt like the vulnerable, weak person that I had become when we were together. I craved just an acknowledgement from him of what he had put me through, not even an apology or anything, and I know that that will be the last thing that man will ever give to me.
I really don’t care if I will bump into him now that he is local, I consider myself a strong person, and for me, it’s more to do with what it stands for than anything else. My panic attacks are back, and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I need to escape, but I just can’t – he’s back in my head now after a few weeks of respite, and it is absolutely killing me. My thoughts are feverish, and I go from fantasising about working things out and being back together with him, to desperately just regretting ever meeting him. I want the pain to end, and I feel like there is nobody that I can really talk to about this that understands. It’s got to the point where my family and friends have quite bluntly told me to get over it and move on, and if only it were that simple. I am having some CBT sessions which have so far been helpful, but I feel as though I crave more warmth and comfort than the clinical interaction of a therapist can provide. It’s really starting to feel like there is nobody that I can confide in and just reach out to. I know that in time, this open wound will heal, but I just wanted to know if there are any almost quick-fix strategies to calm these spinning thoughts and feelings?

Rainy says October 28, 2015

Your insight always comes at a crucial point in time almost like you read minds. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

    Kim Saeed says October 29, 2015

    🙂 Thank you for letting me know my post helped you, Rainy! Wishing you all the best.

Lisa says October 28, 2015

Awesome again Kim!! Yes, your words are exactly what I have done and experienced and never knowing why until I made contact with You and your incredible insight and knowledge taught to me on this website! Thank you again Kim, you have helped me more than you know! 😉

    Kim Saeed says October 28, 2015

    So glad to know it, Lisa. Comments like yours give me inspiration! *hugs* <3

      Lisa says October 28, 2015

      You are my inspiration and made me a stronger, more knowledgeable woman! Huggs back to You <3

lisa thomson-The Great Escape... says October 27, 2015

i love the post today, Kim. I also love your new site 🙂

    Kim Saeed says October 28, 2015

    Wow, thank you so much, Lisa! 🙂

LifeInAshes says October 27, 2015

Great post, been there, done that (too many times to count). My narcissist ex’s favorite thing was to bait me with several text/e-mails in a row, making it look like he was desperate and in pain. All that just to get me to reply, and for him to see he still had some power over me. When I finally broke down and responded though, he’d put the dagger to my heart by completely vanishing and not reply to me anymore at all… And I would sink into a hole of despair and self-loathing. He is by far the most emotionally cruel person I’ve ever met in person. Stay strong everyone who is struggling! Stay No Contact. Healing thoughts//LifeInAshes

Catherine Moyet says October 27, 2015

Couldn’t agree more!!!

Small Circle Big Circle says October 27, 2015

gosh… I can relate to all of the above… thanks for the post and thanks to all for sharing the experiences

Gmail says October 27, 2015

Love this!!!!

Sent from my iPhone


    Kim Saeed says October 27, 2015

    Thank you 🙂

jessiejg62690 says October 27, 2015

I honestly feel like every time you post, its like you know what is going on in my life. I made the stupid impulsive mistake of breaking the no contact rule and regret it. Its been over a year since i ended it with my ex but it had not been an easy recovery. He has used me when no woman wpuld pay attention to him messed with my head and treated me like trash. And yet i still gave in and gave him the attention he wanted. I have moved on and found someone new, i went back to college, i am getting straight A’s…it is great and yet, i think about him constantly. I feel like it will take an eternity and a day to wake up and not care what he is doing or if he still thinks of me. The most recent occourence with this horrible person was in the beginning of june. I got a text from him that said something like “our love is too pure and deep to throw it away we should work on this” i told him i was seeing someone and he does not make me see why i should leave this new lifei am leading to go back with him he said “you are right” and we began to speak for a week. It wasnt anything romantic, i think he just wanted someone he knewwould care about his progression with tattooing and everythjng else hes been up to. Week two passes, week three passes…nothing. I knew what happened, he founda girlfriend. I toldhim thAt keeping incontact was very unhealthy for the progression of strengthing my well being and he says he wants the best for me, but then continues the vicious cycle. He told me “you are crazy, you must have done some deep snooping to find out since we havent posted anything on each others pages” i said i know your cycle i didn’t need to snoop. Low and behold it was an instagram girl that had followed and liked pictures of him and his art since day one of us being together, how funny. October, two years ago he asked me to marry him and although thats another disaster story, i still thought of it and it made me sad. So i gave in, i texted him something like i hate that october makes me think of when you asked me to marry you and this is where we are now….no answer, which if he did answer i honestly have no idea what i would say or do. Then this friday…i see he got married to someonehes o ly been dating since the end of June. My heart sank and so many emotions flew around my head i felt so sick. I stillfeel kinda weird about it but i also feel a relief and alsoat the sametime i hope that his marriage fails. Am i childish for thinking that?

    Sarah says October 27, 2015

    Hey Jessie (hope that’s your name),

    No I don’t think that’s childish of you to hope his marriage fails- because I can almost guarantee you 99.9% that it will, it’s just a matter of time. It takes at least two years to get to know a person fully. The bad, the good and in between and that’s when a person decides whether or not this other person is good for them or not. If your ex is a N, or even if he’s abusive- he has only married her in order to supply his needs and make sure that she stays under his constant control. You dodged that bullet. Could you imagine being married to him? Or worse yet, bringing children into this world with him? You and your future children deserve better than that. And frankly, you should feel sorry for this woman because now she’s gotta deal with his lies, abuse, manipulation and now will be his punching bag. And guess what? That leaves you FREE. I completely understand your heartbreak and the constant obsession of him taking over your mind. It’s as if you can’t enjoy life. But I promise you you will again. It all comes down to NC and time. Don’t beat yourself up for being a thoughtful and caring woman for wanting to reach out to him to find closure or an answer your heart feels it needs. Unfortunately, You’re just asking for it from a person who is incapable of realizing (or at least trying to) how his actions affect other people.
    I will tell you that October is a very hard month for me too. It was the month my ex N and I fell “in love”, it’s the month he cheated on me one year later, it’s the month he threw me across the room for questioning his messages on Facebook to other women and it’s the month that he asked if he had asked me to marry him, what would I say? Its extremely painful to think that if I had been with him and he was a kind, honest, normal and loyal man- that wow…we would have already been together for 4 years. We’d most likely be married and maybe a baby on the way.

    My point is, I feel your frustration, pain, anger and sadness as if it doesn’t even belong to me anymore. Him and I have done the “lets work on things” dance about 11 times and every time the abuse has gotten worse and worse. This last time was just 3 weeks ago and luckily I have become numb to the detachment process by now that I am down for about a week and then I’m feeling more like myself again. I thought I’d never hear from him again (as I always do) and just a week ago he called me twice from a blocked number and I declined the call. You come to a point that you just don’t give a f**k anymore and he will become a floating orb of nothingness in your mind. He becomes a flower that you can no longer smell. You feel nothing and that’s when you begin to do nothing when he calls. Because I can guarantee he will call you again. When his wife is moody, ill or dealing with an event that requires her to not focus on him 24/7- he will call and look for an ego boost or an ego stroke just to make sure that he is still considered a man. Because he knows he’s not a man. He is a child.

    From woman to woman I am telling you as I go on this journey, trusting in God, going to therapy and using my daily devotions- I have come so far but still have a ways to go. When he does reach out- that is your chance. Not to pour your heart out, not to ask questions, not to cry or scream-but to be completely silent. No response is the best response in this situation. He does not deserve to hear your voice, read your words or know anything about you at this point. What has helped me is by telling myself “if he is going to treat me as if I am dead and non-existent, then that’s EXACTLY what I’m Going to be.” I have buried him in my mind and I have to go on as if he doesn’t walk this earth (sounds morbid but it helps) and I am going to do the same. I am a silent ghost who has simply walked away and now there will be no sign of me to him. I have cut off any mutual friendships, I am careful who I tell my life too in order to not have it get back to him, I don’t plaster my emotions on social media and I am very careful about who I post pictures with because he may go after them (it’s happened before)…That “person” does not deserve to know a damn thing- even if it’s great. Be a ghost and quietly work on yourself and get YOU back to a good place. Talk only to people you trust and don’t waste any energy on prying into what he’s doing. Because I’m sure it’s not good and the more you know about him, the more it’s going to prolong your healing. Ignorance is bliss at this point. Trust me.

    I hope you don’t mind me being so blunt but it took many straight forward replies from members of this forum, loss of friendships and family members who have almost shook me to see the light in order to set me straight. I hope you don’t ever allow it to get to the point that you start losing people you love over this deadbeat of a man. Keep visiting, sign up for Kim’s emails, talk to us even if you can’t fully explain your emotions (we understand), talk to your higher power and know that any man (or woman) who makes you feel insignificant, who demeans you, who calls you names, who lies, cheats, uses and abuses you is only doing so because they hate who they are. It really IS as simple as that. It gives them power and joy to hurt others because they have empty souls. And it is not your responsibility to stick around and try to fix that- and this goes for any other abusive people you come across. I’m sure you also question how he can sleep around and jump from one woman to the next without even blinking- it’s because they are empty and they think “love”, sex or any other addiction he may have, will fill his gaping void. It won’t ever work. Just know that…That is up to him, therapy and God.

    Keep walking forward and don’t look back. You are in my prayers and don’t ever forget who you are and the potential you hold. Just because a person says you are worthless, doesn’t mean you are. No one else in this world defines our worth as we also can’t define anyone else as worthless. Wish him well through your spirit and wash your hands of him.

      Kim Saeed says November 1, 2015

      Thank you for your poignant and insightful comment, Sarah. Couldn’t have said it better myself <3

      Angela says November 17, 2015

      Wow, Sarah. You’re words were powerful. I still struggle to believe that I didn’t cause the demise of my relationship. It’s been 18 months of NC but it was only 2 months ago that I found info about NPD. It described my experience to the T. In that moment, I felt the heaviness from my chest rise and the prison door in my mind open. I feel lighter now even though I still have a lot of work to do. Thank you for your encouraging thoughts.

      Maria says November 30, 2015

      This was an amazing response Sarah! I also walk on the journey of moving forward from my ex narc. Unfortunately, I am “co-parenting” with him as we share a son together and I can’t implement a full no contact. However, similar to you Sarah, I have my eyes open and I am slowly finding myself again. I noticed his ways or words don’t affect as much anymore and I don’t care who he is dating or sleeping with as I know those women are also victims and will soon find out who he really. I thought it was impossible to feel happy again and peace. I am enjoying the silence and being away from him. I enjoying being a mom to my toddler even more now and I starting to just enjoy life itself again. I am not ready to date yet again as I want to full heal from all the damage and pain he caused me in three years. I was engaged to him as well and thought we would have a wonderful wedding and raise our wonderful son and live a wonderful life together. I had to learn to grieve that loss, those dreams I had. However, I am so glad that I never married him. He is a covert somatic and cheated and lied the whole entire relationship.

      Now he is trying to play the I want my family back card and keep me around while he dates his new supply. The funny thing is that he keeps denying to me that he is dating. He swears on his life that he is not dating anyone and is just spending time alone.

      I don’t fall for his lies anymore and I told him I don’t even care if you’re dating the entire world. One thing is for sure, I know I have more healing to do, but I feel so secure and 1000% sure that I will never ever go back to him or that misery life that I had with him. He is becoming less and less significant to me as the days go by. We broke up in May of this year and I moved to another state with my son in August and started a new life away from him. I only communicate regarding our son. I am more determined than ever to fall back into his web of deception and keep moving forward. I honestly believe he hates the fact that I am happy living life without him. I am enjoying getting to know myself again and loving myself again. Now when I truly smile, I actually feel it.

      Thank you Kim for your posts. Although, I normally don’t respond to all of them, I do read all of them and they have helped me tremendously through my journey.

      Cindy L says December 8, 2015

      Could not have said it better myself Sarah! And what’s really strange? October is also the month I met my Narc and the same month that one year later found him on a hook up site and we ‘officially’ broke up. But March, May and July are bad months to, since those were also “break up” months when he just wasn’t ‘feeling it’ anymore. So really, it’s not about ‘the month, the season, the holiday, the event’…. it’s about YOUR LIFE AS IT IS NOW! BETTER! HAPPIER! Perhaps even DRAMA FREE?? I feel so much lighter without his baggage. He had so much of it that it totally weighed me down (and I’m only 100 lbs)! lol. Seriously, I never knew what a Narc was until I went through hell and back, but “I’m back baby!” and he’s never gonna have the chance to weigh me down again!! Love and LIGHT to all!

    Doreen says October 28, 2015

    No, you are not childish Jessie and it will fail, it’s just a matter of time. You hope his relationship will fail because you do not want to feel like your relationship failed with him because of you and that he has now found a perfect match and has sailed off into the sunset, but honestly it is not because of you that the relationship failed, it was because of him, he treated you like trash, you think of him constantly because you feel you gave your power to him and naturally you want your power back. You did good to walk away in the first place and they usually try to come back when low on supply. He’s been dating someone since the end of June and now he’s married her, lol how mature, i mean honestly it’s so stupid, they hardly know one and other, it will fail, not just because they married before much time has passed but because of him, he will do to her the same as he did to you, you can count on it. Forgive yourself for texting him, we all have our weak moments, do not contact him again and ignore him if he contacts you, you do not need him to get your power back, with him you will never have your power back, i’m talking inner power but you will get it back by staying No Contact and also with the passing of time you will care less and less until there will be indifference. Also people feel other peoples energy if they are tuned in enough, when you feel indifferent to him and good enough in yourself and doing what you feel passionate about in your life, you won’t even need to tell him…he will feel it, all is energy and all is connected and he will feel it, but by then you won’t care 🙂

      Kim Saeed says October 29, 2015

      Excellent input, Doreen 🙂

Jade Joddle says October 27, 2015

Yep! I’ve been there. Then the toxic shame after!

Pam says October 27, 2015

This is exactly what i needed to read today as i alllllmost texted my ex last night, after a good cry and a good sleep and now reading this, i know that no matter what i say will not change a damn thing.

    Kay Nicole says October 30, 2015

    Yup. I was on the verge of texting him yesterday. 10/14 I texted him saying hi, after not speaking for month…no reply. I was going to text saying, “You know after spending 6 years with someone and asking them to marry you, you could take 2 seconds to say hello.” I didn’t.

      Lisa says October 30, 2015

      Kay Nicole – I have been through a similar situation as I had 5 years in and he also previously had asked me to marry him and after a situation arose that he created while we were on vacation, when we came home he chose not to talk to me for 3 weeks and I could not understand how someone could act that way until I read Kim’s blogs about NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. I now have much more insight as to how these people operate and go through life treating others. I am so glad you did not send him that text. Stay strong and good luck to you 😉

      Kim Saeed says October 30, 2015

      Yay for you!! 🙂

Robbie says October 27, 2015

Don’t do it … he’ll NEVER understand NEVER

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