The internet is full of heart-wrenching stories of women and men who were love-bombed, courted, and made to feel special by their partner. Until one day, they realized they were in the web of a deceitful, heartless narcissist. They were unceremoniously devalued and discarded and left to make sense of the shrapnel amid the wasteland of what they thought was true love. Of course, that’s after their soul has been sucked out by the arachnid they considered to be their lover.
Sometimes, however, victims of narcissistic abuse make the decision to leave first. This typically generates a completely different outcome. Since life and love are a game to narcissists, they cannot tolerate being the ones to be deserted first. It’s all about winning to them. If you leave them first, be ready for psychopathy on steroids.
I left my ex at the beginning of 2011. I was stalked, monitored, and spied on. He installed spyware on my cell phone and, I suspect, my laptop, as well. After a couple of factory resets, he still had insider knowledge of some of my most private conversations. I had to be constantly aware of my surroundings. He knew when I left and arrived at my apartment. He even showed up beside me on the highway, numerous times.
I had (and still have) primary physical custody of our son, with my ex having visitation on the weekends. He resolved to call my home phone ten to fifteen times in a row every day (after a long period of not calling), show up in the parking lot of the apartment complex where I lived (unannounced), and also invited himself over when I was alone working from home (in vain, because I never invited him inside). In all honesty, he stalked me while we were still married, as well.
Narcissistic Projection on Steroids
Narcissists typically have other lovers waiting in the wings, so they assume other people are the same. Therefore, every innocent interaction you have with another human can be misconstrued as a secret love affair, whether it be a male or female. This is especially true if you leave them first. My ex once made the comment when he found out I was dating that he didn’t agree to our divorce (although he signed all the papers), and therefore, I was cheating on him…a ludicrous accusation.
Did you recently visit your good friend of fifteen years? You must be having an affair with their teenage offspring. Did you give five dollars to the Salvation Army bell ringer? You must be banging them on the side. A narcissist will see the most innocent activity as something dirty and sex-driven because that’s what they participate in themselves.
Narcissists have no boundaries, civil or otherwise. This explains why they don’t blink an eye when violating verbal agreements or court orders. They know exactly where the proverbial line is drawn and stand with the tips of their toes over it.
I spent most days in Juvenile Relations and Civil court, filing preliminary protective orders and other court documents. This is commonplace when you leave the narcissist first, but you will be harrassed either way. So, it may as well be worth it by gaining your freedom on your own terms.
If you’ve suffered the pain of narcissistic abuse, there are tools to help you let go of the hurt – and develop new ways of thinking, and even dating. You can find out everything you need to know in my book, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!
