When you are trying to detach from an abusive relationship, the last thing you need is your ex stalking you. While it may seem that your ex is trying to re-establish a connection, it’s important to take into account that stalking is simply another form of narcissistic abuse.
The forums are full of people who write, “The narcissist is stalking me”, and they ponder if perhaps the narcissistic individual is trying to show that they care or perhaps have made a serious mistake and want to rekindle the flame of romance.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”People who engage in stalking behaviors are not interested in a relationship. They are interested in controlling or terrorizing the person who is trying to get away from them.” quote=”People who engage in stalking behaviors are not interested in a relationship. They are interested in controlling or terrorizing the person who is trying to get away from them.” theme=”style1″]
With narcissists, it’s often hard to differentiate between love bombing behaviors (such as when they’re hoovering you) and stalking. There are some distinct differences and if you find yourself the target of stalking behaviors, it’s not something to be taken lightly. Stalking to menace or harass is a serious crime and should be treated as such, and that brings us to the differences between love bombing and stalking:
Love Bombing
Everyone who’s discovered they are involved with an emotional abuser knows the meaning of love bombing. For those of you who may be new to this, love bombing is when you’ve been bombed by intense “love” at the beginning of a relationship, and then dropped from the highest point of emotional attachment (from the victim’s standpoint).
This is a favorite ruse used by Cluster-B disordered individuals such as Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths.
A narcissist is drawn to their victims through their ability to detect the victim’s vulnerability, pain, or loss. They then intensely bomb their target with love and attention until they are so overwhelmed by the “affection”, the victim submits to the narcissist. This is synonymous with the “idealization” phase.
The new target develops intense love for the narcissist because they are seduced by all the attention. Once the narcissist has the victim under their control and in love with them, they cease all attention and drop them off the highest emotional cliff. The effects on the victim of being dropped can be devastating. (This is commonly referred to as the devalue stage).
Love bombing is not about love, but is used to exert power and control. Love bombing consists of such activities as:
- Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
- Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
- Bringing up marriage after only having known you for a short time (sometimes as soon as a few days after meeting)
- Showing up at your place of employment or favorite hangout
- Giving the appearance of having much in common with you (painful childhood, horrible mistreatment by their exes, being of a sensitive and poetic nature)
The intent of love bombing is to monopolize your focus in order to diminish your discernment and objectivity. It is damaging and is intended to destroy your sense of self and establish power over you. Cult Leaders love bomb their followers in order to brainwash and take control of them.
Stalking
While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual toward another person through the carrying out of behaviors intended to frighten, distress the victim, and/or instill a sense of guilt and hopelessness in the victim (which often leads to learned helplessness). Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and usually include following the victim (in person) and/or monitoring them.
According to Lamber Royakkers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):
“Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”
Disruptions in daily life that are necessary to escape a stalker include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers. Many targets of stalking have had to move to another country and basically go into hiding.
Many of my coaching clients have been stalked by their narcissistic partners. Stalking behaviors carried out by narcissists include:
- Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
- Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
- Constantly driving by your home
- Showing up at your place of employment or favorite hangout
- Spreading rumors or publishing personal information about you on social media
- Cyberstalking
- Using social media to follow and friend your social media followers and friends in order to keep an eye on you
- Installing spyware on your computer and/or cell phone
- Finding out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
- Using technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
- Threatening to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets
Stalking is often mistaken as hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim’s world through harassing, following, and monitoring.
What’s the Difference?
As you can see in the two categories of behavior, there really isn’t much difference between love bombing and stalking. Love bombing is idealizing and mirroring the victim in order to create a feeling of connection at the beginning of the relationship.
Stalking is a common behavior of narcissists when a source of supply tries to initiate No Contact. The one distinct difference is that when stalking (hoovering) begins, the victim typically has a clearer picture of what kind of person the narcissist is…which is why they want to go No Contact in the first place.
If you believe you are being stalked, you should avoid downplaying the issue as it will only get worse over time. You may have to take protective measures to secure your sense of peace, privacy, and security.
Love bombing and stalking are about power and control. They’re both pathological and used by disturbed people who cannot truly love another. They’re both insidious and can eradicate self-esteem and the victim’s sense of self. If your partner or ex has taken part in these two behaviors, know that these are signs of psychological and emotional manipulation used to dominate and keep control over you and it’s time to consider going No Contact.
References
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking#cite_note-menace-8
http://www.sociosite.org/cyberstalking_en.php
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-information