The Time I Agreed to be a Second Wife

Its ok Kim my wife also tried to talk me into a “open relationship” and after 11 years with her I even considered it but that last a whole 72 hours then i seen her openly in the living room on the phone with the guy and i just lost it grabbed her phone cussed dude out smashed her shit told her to leave fuck i hate this disorder

[…] I was highly codependent and thought I was doing the right thing for the sake of the son we shared.  Can you imagine?  I agreed to be a second wife! […]

Kim,

I’ve read so many of your posts, but this one really allowed me to see YOU. Your fears, vulnerabilities, embarrassment etc…. Thank you for sharing and for being so honest not only about what occurred but your feelings about sharing it.

It really solidifies and gives greater depth and purpose to your posts. I feel like I trust you more having this knowledge about your past. I don’t find myself judging at all…. quite the opposite, it makes you human and endearing and relatable. I’m sorry for what you went through but grateful for your insight!

I am also the result of narcissistic abuse from a middle eastern man. They don’t match western women like me, because the culture is not the same. My ex was from Egypt. Where was your ex husband from Kim?

Why don’t you go back to using your own maiden name again Kim? Your still carrying him around with your image by the name. You could also change the surname of your children to match your maiden name so you’ve all got the same name. Rather than keep the narcissists name in your family.

Thank you for sharing your story. So glad you got out of there and are doing this work to help so many people. I’ve closed all my social media loopholes and have had zero contact for eleven days. Mine was a six month relationship and now that I’ve read a lot about narcissism, he fits the bio of an altruistic narcissist to a tee. I’m doing art therapy at a centre for abuse survivors, will get into a group on interpersonal relationships and am going to al-anon because I believe he was a functional alcoholic and he reminded me of my father in that way and workaholism.

Kim:

I was not a “second wife” but I lived with him and at one point when we were on our typical “break-up and get back together again” cycle he started telling everyone we were just friends (even though we lived together and shared the same bed). I allowed this because I thought that if he felt less burdened by our relationship that we would get along better. But what it really meant was that he was entitled to have whatever he wanted from me and that I gave up expecting or asking for anything from him. And I agreed to it. Because I loved him and I wanted it to work out. It took me some distance to be able to see this and admit it to myself. Thank you for your post–I feel a bit less pathological after reading it.

I thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been working my way up to sharing the full story about the relationshit with him, stalling out due to some shame, and fear of judgment. The bits I have shared in groups, and with one of my friends, I’ve realized that what I initially agreed to is not unusual for them. I will write it out.

[…] I was in their situation.  After all, I was once so determined to make it work with my ex that I agreed to be his second wife, but that’s a little extreme and not applicable in most […]

Kim can I ask are you therapist?

I really need to seek talk to someone but in my country pretty hard to find someone who is Professional and empathic… important!

yes those are my issues too I need to solve

Such helpful information, thank you!!!

[…] The Time I Agreed to be a Second Wife […]

Oh. My. Word. Yes, yes, yes. I need to read this EVERY DAY. Thank you.

I will share this to all here. My uncle had behaved in such bad manner too,but with him it was the other way round. He was married to my aunt, in his country, and they have two kids. He came to United States for opportunities and married an american woman from here.. His family , his wife were not aware but close family friend ,upon visit to States, saw him with his new wife and was shocked. He informed his family back home , all were devastated. It has been nine years, he now has kid with his new wife, but he refuses to divorce his first wife so she can go back to her parents and who knows re marry, it is her right! Since he refuses to divorce her and has not gone back to visit his family and his kids, she has to stay with her in laws. How fair is this for his first wife. And yes his new wife here is aware of it but cares less . I don’t communicate with him because I am disgusted with this behavior and I feel so sorry for his wife and kids. There are other ways the women can ask for divorce without having his approval since he has not been with her for all these years. My family are very good , they want her to be free, but I guess they were all hoping he will realize he has family there and will return but it did not happen and it does not seem likely he will in near future. Down to such men or women out there who play with other’s lives and emotions.

I know of someone who ended up like your situation and than ended up in another relationship with a narcissist and now she is with him , aware he has his other supplies I thought one would learn lesson from one bad experience , only lord knows why she stays in another bad relationship.

Kim, thank you for sharing your story. I was like” NO WAY!!” but I know what you mean and what type you talking about! they believe they can have more than one but they use it to their use and manipulate their women. Only for sexual pleasure. I am surprised how you managed to return back to States. For some it isn’t easy and they get stuck there. Did he let you go easy? Well whether anyone agreed or agrees to be second wife, it is not different than them having more supplies when they were with. But you were his first anyways and his other wife back home was his supply. Wow I felt the chill when I read your story, you went there and I felt relieved you came back. I just want to awake one day and have no thoughts of his existence and that one day where i say to myself I don’t care if he is alive or dead. No sympathy nor condolences from me.
My question though, how long ,until we recover , we can start dating? Can anyone of you share your experiences Dating after a relationship with a narcissist ? Are you able to trust again? Did anyone of you find love again? Will we ever find true love ?

Thank you so much for sharing this, Kim! It provides a great sense of hope that we all can move on from where we are right now if we put in the work, just like you have spectacularly done!

I can only imagine how hard it would have been. Apart from being abused by narcissists in my family of origin, I also had a toxic relationship which lasted 7 years. I remember the countless times forgiving him for his straying. His excuse was pathetic “Her name was your middle name and she looked like you”. We had broken up at that time. He eventually offered me a job. Because I was the only one responsible for running the whole office, I came across the business registration. One of the owners was a woman who had his last name. I asked him about it and his response was “If a woman wanted to take on my last name, what can I do about it?” I cried to my best friend over the phone. She offered to check the registry of marriages, but I said that there was no need. I believe that I had secretly known, but I didn’t want it to be confirmed so that I could stay blissfully unaware (somewhat). Imagine being told by the landlord of the business premises that he and his wife were celebrating their son’s first birthday and asked if I was going. I was gobsmacked. A very good friend kept me company that evening. Because I was staying in the apartment that was rented by his company, he had stored his alcohol there. He almost physically abused my friend, just because he was male and I had to placate his jealousy. Looking back on it now, how stupid was I? He was collecting alcohol from the apartment because he was celebrating his son’s first birthday with his WIFE. It hurt more because of the pregnancy terminations I had when he deliberately made me pregnant to stay with him.

Thank you Kim 🙂

Kim, thank you for sharing, it takes courage to share honestly but it is so helpful for other people going through it to see they are not the only one who has done “crazy” things in the name of “love”. I too have pondered on whether to share certain details but have never regretted it because whenever I do the response from readers is always understanding and gratitude.
I think every single victim of abuse (narc/psycho) has done things they are ashamed of, to know we are not alone is a huge step in recovery. Losing the shame and knowing we are all human.
Good on you! Hugs

Thank you for sharing this Kim and I applaud your courage.
I’m really glad I found your blog :)))
I’m ashamed to admit that I almost also found myself in a similar situation…except having already known I was the “other woman” based on mutual codependency and countless promises. But seeing that no serious steps from his side will ever be taken to leave the first one, I distanced myself, and it is one of the reasons why I took the decision to leave my country very soon.
The main narcissist in my case is my father so that will take a while to recover from

You only shared that you’re human, but the integral and gripping part of your story is the immense power of trauma bonding. I don’t believe anyone wants to be abused, or to continue being devalued, neglected, or diminished. Calling this kind of thing brainwashing is such an understatement.

You’ve not only moved on, you’ve revealed your battle scars as markers and trails of hope for others. Well done, you.

This scenario is so familiar to me. I thought I was alone in agreeing to a similar arrangement. I thought I was alone in the shame. It’s odd how we come to live as if these situations are acceptable. I don’t want to risk falling back into something like this, so I stay alone with my three black cats. I feel safe and content. And no more shame.

Thank you Kim. There are those people who will say to me, “How COULD you have put up with this or that?” You know how we could, and did, put up with so much. You are helping me move ahead. It hurts, it’s painful, but with no contact for 3 1/2 months I can see how much better recovery is then if I were talking to him. I have a restraining order and he is a coward, only praying on women and children, so he won’t break it. He did call and email at first, but I had my attorney remind him that he can’t do that. Still no court date–and I wake up at night in a panic that he will somehow lie his way into getting money from me.

Thank you for sharing this…it is so beautiful that in helping others, as you do, everyone involved is blessed!

Reblogged this on myplace2spu and commented:
So a huge ginormous thanks for your courage to share. you are helping. you are changing lives. you are making a difference. Thank you.

Brave, insightful, worthy of true love, tough as nails. You are a strong and beautiful soul. As one who knows the horror and viciousness, the indifference and pathological behavior of this sub-human who steals our souls, I applaud you loudly.
The key is understanding why we allow this treatment. Recognize where the insecurity and low self worth came from and work like mad, like our life depends on it, to understand our past traumas. It’s quite a process but so, so worth it.
Thank you so much for opening up about this and trusting us to understand it all.
All the best-
Laurie

Thanks so much for sharing such a deeply private experience from your past, you are always an inspiration for me to try even harder.
I have recently started my journey back to myself and it is scary and unfamiliar territory!

Can’t go no contact coz i’m under husband’s sponsorship, but i would love to be able to do it. Meantime I’ve distanced myself from him as much as possible mentally, physically etc. for the last 3 weeks and he has suddenly turned into somewhat of a gentleman again (trauma bonding techniques i recognize) with slip-ups now and then.

Reading your material is motivating and educational.
Thanks again <3
Liz the Slayer (Inner-Revival)

First and foremost I want to sincerely thank you for this website! I have been in abuse counseling for almost 2 years with a local abuse shelter and they are fantastic although nothing has every rung more true than what I have read on this site. Often I feel like you are writing about my own experience and it confirms to me that he indeed is a Narc and to work to fully accepting that he will never change who he is – not with me or anyone. I look forward to every post because it affirms how I feel and in moments where I fall into “abuse amnesia” I re-read different posts to ground myself again, When I read them I know that I too had exactly those feelings – the indescribable pull towards him, feeling the loneliness in a crowd of loved ones, taking responsibility for problems in the relationship that I actually don’t own – all in the hopes that I might be able to make him see just how much I loved him and that somehow he’d appreciate all that I have ever done for him and apologize for all the harm he’d caused. I spend so much time trying to convince him that I loved him to a point that I felt so desperate inside. Nothing describes that pain and the ache of not receiving from him what I needed so desperately (yet displayed he could give so easily to his mistresses). It ended a 14 months ago and I am really scared sometimes how this will end – meaning if it will end (the discarding cycle, the manipulation, the feeling of loss of being with my children’s father forever). As much as your story my seem extreme to some, I can totally appreciate where you were when you made those choices. It’s scary but I get where any victim can get to that point where they will take anything just to have them in their lives…you crave that interaction with them. It’s awful.
On a positive note, I have seen the value in no contact. It is one of the hardest things to do….you feel lost and panicked at first but then it becomes freeing. My trouble has been shared children where I can go an extended period of time but then he will engage my young children and manipulate to get me on the phone where she starts dangling false carrots again that he has no intention on following through on (part of his bait then the discard once you start to let your guard down). It’s really tough and has forced me to limit interactions with the kids because he has been behaving similarly with them too now. Thank you again for this site! Could you maybe write an article on how to co-parent with a narc ex? How to allow healthy access esp while going no contact?

Great and brave post. Thank you for sharing. I recognize myself in your words though my issues and addictions played out differently. Thanks again. What you do is very meaningful and helpful.

Thank you for being so kind, Aves.

You are correct. It’s often very hard to find a traditional therapist who can help in narcissistic abuse recovery. I typically recommend them for conditions such as PTSD, depression, phobias, and the like. But, to be fair, there are some great ones out there who know all about Narcissists, but they are difficult to find. Personally, I went to about seven before giving up and taking matters into my own hands, which included energy healing.

Yes, many people have received great relief from Melanie’s program. I really like that she offers a 30-day guarantee. I also believe whole-heartedly in healing codependence and childhood wounds.

Thank you for stopping by…always a pleasure.

Kim

No one can really see how bad we have suffered unless they have lived it. Many people shake their heads at me for staying in my emotionally abusive relationship, yet I have my reasons and I am fine. You are brave to write the words that needed to be said. It sounds like a soap opera. Sorry, it is sad. You are a survivor. Applause is needed. Meghan

Kim. Your posts continue to be central in my recovery. Congratulations for putting out the truth of co-dependency. You are a model for others, showing that life can be different and happy.

This is an incredibly brave thing to post Kim. I’m at a loss for words to say more…

You are brave, and you are amazing. Thank you for sharing this with us:)

I applaud your courage and willingness to be vulnerable. I know the struggle to heal and to reacquaint yourself with you. You have clearly done the hard work. Thank you for sharing your journey wth us.

Thanks so much for sharing such a deeply private experience from your past, you are always an inspiration for me to try even harder.
I have recently started my journey back to myself and it is scary and unfamiliar territory!

Can’t go no contact coz i’m under husband’s sponsorship, but i would love to be able to do it. Meantime I’ve distanced myself from him as much as possible mentally, physically etc. for the last 3 weeks and he has suddenly turned into somewhat of a gentleman again (trauma bonding techniques i recognize) with slip-ups now and then.

Reading your material is motivating and educational.
Thanks again <3
Liz the Slayer (Inner-Revival)

Thank you Kim. So courageous of you to share your story with us. Thank you! Reading it, I was thinking “OMG, she didn’t!…uh, she did!”. Well, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of, me included! Amazing how these people manage to bring out the worst behavior in us. After my D&D, I sent mine a couple of the most angry emails, and boy did I engage in narcissistic injury! LOL. This was even after he’d suggested we remain friends. I expressed my doubt that it was even possible, but I’d try. Then I began posting him on Cheater websites, exposing his pathology to the world on a blog as well. Some friend I was huh? I never asked for his worthless behind back, but I sure missed him, and goggled his name endlessly after he went low profile on me. It was painful, but I learned. I’ve worked hard to move on! Going on 3 yrs, 8 months+. I still have moments I miss him, but no, I realize I deserve better! It’s still hard sometimes, but I’m doing okay.

Very very brave share, Kim; thank you so much – today, this was exactly the message I needed to read. You are so right: It IS an addiction – and, like all, addictions, terrifyingly hard to break out of. But your story gives me hope, and allows me to see that there CAN be a life beyond the castles we build for ourselves and the dungeons we allow others to lock us into. xxx