Have you come across the term “FOG” when reading about narcissism? ย FOG is an acronym that stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. ย Narcissistsย use FOG to keep their targetsย in a haze so theyย canโt see how the narcissist isย using theirย emotions against themย in order to make themย doubt theirย own judgment and perceptions, thereby gaining complete control over them.
When the relationship comes to an end (as they always do with Narcissists) targetsย are left with lingering questions such as:ย How did I not see what was happening?ย How did I fall for his (or her) tricks?ย How could I have been so blind?ย How do I get out of this constant state of anxiety?ย Why do I still love them?
What oneย needs to understand is that theyย were brainwashed by a skilled predator. ย Consequently, theyย slowly began to operate from a state of semi-consciousness, only coming out of the coma when the relationship comesย to its inevitable andย debilitating end.
Letโs examineย how the Narcissist keeps you living in a F.O.G.
Fear
Everyone has some sort of insecurity.ย We all have regrets.ย These feelings are part of the human condition.ย When we enter into a relationship with a Narcissist, they shoot from both hips in order to ensure these emotions are perpetuallyย triggered.
Remember all the questions they asked you in the beginning when you thought they were genuinely interested and concerned for you? ย How you spilled your innermost secrets and they patted you on the shoulderย with feigned empathy? ย
What they were doing was notingย what makes you uncomfortable and what pulls at your heartstrings.ย Then, they weaponize those feelings.ย This may includeย comments and actions such as:
- โI knew you werenโt the right person for me.โ
- โSo-and-so always did that for me and never complained.โ
- โYou used to be so fit, what happened to you?โ
- โMy co-worker (or Ex) thinks you look oldโ
- Giving you the silent treatment and leaving you alone for a few days with no contact.
- Talking about Exes or potential new partners โwaiting in the wingsโ for them.
- Making the comment that it would be sad if something happened to your pet.
- Threatening to go to your employer with lies that would destroy your career.
Nothing is off limits to them, and everything they do is to triggerย your fear of their leaving you. ย If you donโt care about their opinion, they mightย threaten to hurt your childrenโs feelings.
Obligation
Most of us were raised with the belief that we should put othersโ needs before our own.ย These beliefs were instilled in us by our parents, grandparents, society, the Church, and various forms of media.ย Unfortunately, we often internalize the obligations we have towards others disproportionately, especially if we have codependent tendencies.ย Narcissists use this fact to their advantage.
Narcissists blackmail us using our sense of obligation by giving the false impressionย that they are making huge sacrifices by being in a relationship with us.ย This puts us in the position of believing we owe them. ย If we’re married to them, they use our sense of obligation as a wife or husband to make us feel further indebted to them.ย Some examples include:
- โA good wife would ______.โ
- โThe Bible says that a husband should always _____.โ
- โYou should be willing to do anything for me regardless of whether itโs convenient or not.โ
- โI helped you out when you needed it, the least you could do is _____.โ
- โIf youโre not going to help me, I guess Iโll just have to depend on _____.โ
- โYou canโt let my affair ruin our marriage.ย God tells us to turn the other cheek.โ
- โYou have an obligation to this family to _____.โ
While in the FOG, we fail to recognize that while the Narcissist wants our sense of duty to be all encompassing, they donโt hold themselves to the same standards.ย Thus, they continue getting everything they want while giving nothing in return.ย Itโs also a great opportunity for blame-shifting, where they commitย a heinous act, yet want us to believe itโs somehow our fault or that itโs our duty to forgive them since we are good people.
Donโt fall prey to any random act of kindness bestowed upon you by the Narcissist.ย For example, they might give you a birthday gift, and then hold you accountable for something they want from you.ย Especially if they typically donโt remember your birthday, much less give you a gift.ย Understand that the Narcissist gives nothing without logging it in his or her mental ledger and figuring out ways to recoup theirย โcontributionโ.
Guilt
Anyone with a conscience feels guilt. ย This explains why we feel torn up while in a relationship with a Narcissist, while they seem oblivious to any harm that they do.ย Thatโs because, in contrast to us, they have no conscience.ย Itโs also how they use our self-reproach to further their own selfish agendas.
Ever notice how the Narcissist takes a common, innocent action and turns it into something we should feel guilty about?ย Did you buy a birthday gift for your nephew?ย Youโre a selfish b**ch because you knew he needed that money for _____.ย Did you approach him for intimacy?ย Youโre a greedy slut who should be ashamed.ย Did you go out to lunch with a same-sex colleague?ย You were out showing off and trying to flirt with the wait staff.
Even if youย didnโt do any harm, the Narcissist wants youย to believeย you did.ย In this way, you normalize their unacceptable behaviorsย and give in to themย just to experience temporary relief from the guilt.
All of the guilt thatโs projected onto us by the narcissistย is undeserved. ย This feeling of guilt partly explains why we endlessly yearn for them after they discard us (or we leave them), because we feel so guilty, ashamed, and worthless that we truly believe no one would ever want us.ย Itโs all part of the systematic brainwashing they perform on us.ย When they are through, our whole belief system has been reprogrammed.ย Theyโve succeeded in causing us to absorb the blame for everything, when all along they were the guilty one.
You will never be in control of your self-esteem or your emotions as long as the Narcissist is in your life.ย Even a seemingly innocent act or comment on their behalf comes with a high price.ย There is a motive for every single thing they say and do.ย Donโt let him or her warp your sense of self any longer.ย Make the decision to leave, initiate no contact, and get out of there.ย You were put on this earth to be happy, not someoneโs slave and emotional punching bag.ย Bring yourself out of the FOG and start the path to recovery.
