Have you come across the term “FOG” when reading about narcissism? Β FOG is an acronym that stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Β NarcissistsΒ use FOG to keep their targetsΒ in a haze so theyΒ canβt see how the narcissist isΒ using theirΒ emotions against themΒ in order to make themΒ doubt theirΒ own judgment and perceptions, thereby gaining complete control over them.
When the relationship comes to an end (as they always do with Narcissists) targetsΒ are left with lingering questions such as:Β How did I not see what was happening?Β How did I fall for his (or her) tricks?Β How could I have been so blind?Β How do I get out of this constant state of anxiety?Β Why do I still love them?
What oneΒ needs to understand is that theyΒ were brainwashed by a skilled predator. Β Consequently, theyΒ slowly began to operate from a state of semi-consciousness, only coming out of the coma when the relationship comesΒ to its inevitable andΒ debilitating end.
Letβs examineΒ how the Narcissist keeps you living in a F.O.G.
Fear
Everyone has some sort of insecurity.Β We all have regrets.Β These feelings are part of the human condition.Β When we enter into a relationship with a Narcissist, they shoot from both hips in order to ensure these emotions are perpetuallyΒ triggered.
Remember all the questions they asked you in the beginning when you thought they were genuinely interested and concerned for you? Β How you spilled your innermost secrets and they patted you on the shoulderΒ with feigned empathy? Β
What they were doing was notingΒ what makes you uncomfortable and what pulls at your heartstrings.Β Then, they weaponize those feelings.Β This may includeΒ comments and actions such as:
- βI knew you werenβt the right person for me.β
- βSo-and-so always did that for me and never complained.β
- βYou used to be so fit, what happened to you?β
- βMy co-worker (or Ex) thinks you look oldβ
- Giving you the silent treatment and leaving you alone for a few days with no contact.
- Talking about Exes or potential new partners βwaiting in the wingsβ for them.
- Making the comment that it would be sad if something happened to your pet.
- Threatening to go to your employer with lies that would destroy your career.
Nothing is off limits to them, and everything they do is to triggerΒ your fear of their leaving you. Β If you donβt care about their opinion, they mightΒ threaten to hurt your childrenβs feelings.
Obligation
Most of us were raised with the belief that we should put othersβ needs before our own.Β These beliefs were instilled in us by our parents, grandparents, society, the Church, and various forms of media.Β Unfortunately, we often internalize the obligations we have towards others disproportionately, especially if we have codependent tendencies.Β Narcissists use this fact to their advantage.
Narcissists blackmail us using our sense of obligation by giving the false impressionΒ that they are making huge sacrifices by being in a relationship with us.Β This puts us in the position of believing we owe them. Β If we’re married to them, they use our sense of obligation as a wife or husband to make us feel further indebted to them.Β Some examples include:
- βA good wife would ______.β
- βThe Bible says that a husband should always _____.β
- βYou should be willing to do anything for me regardless of whether itβs convenient or not.β
- βI helped you out when you needed it, the least you could do is _____.β
- βIf youβre not going to help me, I guess Iβll just have to depend on _____.β
- βYou canβt let my affair ruin our marriage.Β God tells us to turn the other cheek.β
- βYou have an obligation to this family to _____.β
While in the FOG, we fail to recognize that while the Narcissist wants our sense of duty to be all encompassing, they donβt hold themselves to the same standards.Β Thus, they continue getting everything they want while giving nothing in return.Β Itβs also a great opportunity for blame-shifting, where they commitΒ a heinous act, yet want us to believe itβs somehow our fault or that itβs our duty to forgive them since we are good people.
Donβt fall prey to any random act of kindness bestowed upon you by the Narcissist.Β For example, they might give you a birthday gift, and then hold you accountable for something they want from you.Β Especially if they typically donβt remember your birthday, much less give you a gift.Β Understand that the Narcissist gives nothing without logging it in his or her mental ledger and figuring out ways to recoup theirΒ βcontributionβ.
Guilt
Anyone with a conscience feels guilt. Β This explains why we feel torn up while in a relationship with a Narcissist, while they seem oblivious to any harm that they do.Β Thatβs because, in contrast to us, they have no conscience.Β Itβs also how they use our self-reproach to further their own selfish agendas.
Ever notice how the Narcissist takes a common, innocent action and turns it into something we should feel guilty about?Β Did you buy a birthday gift for your nephew?Β Youβre a selfish b**ch because you knew he needed that money for _____.Β Did you approach him for intimacy?Β Youβre a greedy slut who should be ashamed.Β Did you go out to lunch with a same-sex colleague?Β You were out showing off and trying to flirt with the wait staff.
Even if youΒ didnβt do any harm, the Narcissist wants youΒ to believeΒ you did.Β In this way, you normalize their unacceptable behaviorsΒ and give in to themΒ just to experience temporary relief from the guilt.
All of the guilt thatβs projected onto us by the narcissistΒ is undeserved. Β This feeling of guilt partly explains why we endlessly yearn for them after they discard us (or we leave them), because we feel so guilty, ashamed, and worthless that we truly believe no one would ever want us.Β Itβs all part of the systematic brainwashing they perform on us.Β When they are through, our whole belief system has been reprogrammed.Β Theyβve succeeded in causing us to absorb the blame for everything, when all along they were the guilty one.
You will never be in control of your self-esteem or your emotions as long as the Narcissist is in your life.Β Even a seemingly innocent act or comment on their behalf comes with a high price.Β There is a motive for every single thing they say and do.Β Donβt let him or her warp your sense of self any longer.Β Make the decision to leave, initiate no contact, and get out of there.Β You were put on this earth to be happy, not someoneβs slave and emotional punching bag.Β Bring yourself out of the FOG and start the path to recovery.