death by narcissism

Death by Narcissism

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** A fictional piece about the evil of Narcissism

When I first met Alyssa, she was a sweet, vibrant woman who had built up her business as a Life Coach in only eighteen months.  She lived three houses down from me and would often invite me in for coffee after my morning run.  That was…until she met Ethan.

I always felt there was something “off” about Ethan, but Alyssa thought he was a prince.  He moved in with her shortly after they started dating and I began to see her less and less until the only time I would see her was when she left for work.

The last time I saw her, she looked old and broken… an apparition of the woman she’d once been.  She’d stopped me during my jog and gave me a worn leather journal and told me that if anything ever happened to her, to give it to the authorities. Then, she hurried back to her house, looking over her shoulder.  It occurred to me that she was afraid of someone seeing her speaking to me.  In hindsight, I know that person was Ethan.

Then it happened.  She disappeared.  Per her instructions, I notified the authorities and submitted her diary as evidence.  They arrested Ethan, who was later released because they couldn’t tie him to any concrete evidence that connected him to her disappearance.

During the investigation of their shared residence,  remnants of her self-esteem were found on the soles of Ethan’s shoes, her sense of hope was found hacked to pieces in the backyard, her happiness was found in the tire tread of Ethan’s SUV, and her will-to-live was extracted bit-by-bit from the garbage disposal.  In the kitchen cupboard, they found her soul, which had been ground into powder to make tea.

In spite of all of the circumstantial evidence, it wasn’t enough to convict Ethan.  But, they don’t know what I know.  A Narcissist can annihilate you without ever laying a hand on you.

It was later discovered through expert analysis of her journal entries that it took two years, three months, and ten days for her to disappear.

Copyright 2020 Kim Saeed

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24 comments
Anonymous says November 1, 2020

I left home at 13 due to the abusive parents, at 23 I married who I believed to be a great guy. 27 years and 4 kids later I know the depths of my mistake. Everything I did in my life was with him in the back of my mind…meals, clothes, everything. I was told this was all ptsd and I needed to prove my loyalty…??? I was always 100% loyal, honest, but I made alot more money than he. He never contributed money, he destroyed and sabotaged everything I built. He literally burned our 4 kids beds, clothes, furniture, he made profiles on sex sites with my photos, chatted with men and got money from them, I never knew! When our home was in foreclosure I was barely able to walk, my whole body hurt down to bones, I was not able to drive or even brush my teeth, 4 pairs of eyes watched me die. I used to wake before the sun, clean and cook and then go up and groom all day, groceries, yardwork…everything was always being done by me, and then I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat! So my narc…being the hero for any audience …brought me smoothies. These smoothies were slowly killing me, I lost 20 pounds, leaving me at 100lbs and looked dead. Fast forward past the physical abuse that happened once but was enough to get him out and I filed …via divine intervention…for legal separation. I thought he would get counseling as promised, I was guilty for being unsupportive. He stole morphene off a medivac in Afghanistan and had been putting it in these smoothies. When he’d leave for a few days I would begin to feel a little better, I thought it was me, damaged woman, jaded…i had no idea. He was laying the foundation for my demise, told people I was a junkie and brainwashed our kids, I believed no one would believe me. He has other children, we now know. He stole 4 kids college funds, he blames our daughter for literally everything, she just turned 19. Hes been gone 3 years. He is living with a 36yr old female who has 2 minor children who have accused him of abuse , physical and nane calling but no one believes this 50 year old ass is anything but a good guy. I’ve just beat his ass in divorce court, he stated to me in front of a room full of (virtual) whitnesses, …”you were supposed to die, you didn’t fucming die, why wont you fucking die?!?!” I responded with , because it bothers you. Physically he doesn’t even resemble the guy I married, his eye color isn’t the same, and there is a rancid smell when he’s around, his attorney made mention of it as well. He is dangerous, at some point I pray he will be jailed, before he does cost someone their life, but the unraveling is slow and hes got the wounded warrior card he plays. I know I should have died. I know my kids would have been next, I know how lucky we are, I wish I could have recognized sooner, but we survived and we’ve learned to live again, friends who disappeared are back, i was so ashamed!! I have no family, but the support system I do have is more than I ever imagined!! Ill probably never be in another relationship, I can never be that vulnerable again, but I’m independent and my moxy is returning. He didn’t want any whitnesses, but alas! People did notice things and they did speak up! I was loyal and loved him and he used that to try to destroy me, ended up screwing himself. God didn’t punish me, he saved my life and removed the succubus from our lives. My eyes are open, I never knew someone so evil but I have my children and with therapy were healing….I wish I could help others who are where I was for 10 ish years, however, had anyone told me what was happening I probably wouldn’t have believed them, he was my husband after all. My advice: never give up your independence. Everyones situations are different, but we lose ourselves faster without our independence. Good luck and much Love, alisa. P.s. thank you so much for educating!!!

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Anonymous says May 13, 2020

my sister died at 51 of a rare and aggressive bone marrow cancer. I know in my heart it was being with her narc husband for so many years that did it to her. She was barely a shell of herself way before she was diagnosed. She seperated from him once and I told her that she looked beautiful. She had the glow back she once had. She fell for his crying bs and took him back. Big mistake. She died leaving two kids behind. He is so bad with his own son who lost his mom at the age of 5. RUN!!!!!!!!!! Especially if you have kids. This blog and first & foremost my immersing myself in prayer which led me to this blog, my therapist and my escape. Do it now. With God, all things are possible.

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    Anonymous says November 1, 2020

    I agree that people should run as soon as they realize they’re with a narcissist. However, if you have kids with one, it’s unbelievably difficult. When you’re divorced, you have to leave your kids alone with the narcissist, who usually tries to destroy your relationship with your children (and often succeeds), and ALWAYS undermines you and makes parenting a nearly impossible task. There should be laws banning narcissists from contact with their children. If you suspect your partner is a narcissist, for the love of God, DO NOT have children with him!

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Rugia says May 13, 2020

Of all worst cases, mine cannot be counted out. I nearly committed suicide twice. I still find it hard to believe that I once had an intention of taking my own life!
Life with a narcissist is unexplainable sometimes.
No one hears the echoes if your pain and can never get a glimpse of the amount of emotional torture you are enduring.
So sad that the narcissist becomes healthier daily as they they watch us die slowly and unhealthy.
Kim dear, I want to say Thank you again.
Your story is worth reading!

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Anonymous says May 13, 2020

I’m trapped. It’s a pandemic. I’m not working. I’m reliant on him for food & shelter..I know hes cheating. He hasn’t touched me in 2 years unless other people are around, FAKE LIFE FAKE SOUL FAKE PERSONALITY STOLEN FROM ME MOSTLY..I WANT OUT

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Shelagh says October 31, 2019

Thankyou Kim for sharing I found death by narcissism brilliant and very true it’s given me a thought to make a journel we just never know because the narc is so unpredictable Regards Shelagh

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Lola says October 31, 2019

I was just wondering if anyone of you has or still is with a narcissist
or sociopath who now has Parkinson. This is a difficult situation.

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    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2019

    Not speaking about the general public here, but when it comes to narcissistic individuals, there is a correlation between their developing Parkinson’s and their current or previous alcohol/drug/porn addictions. Mainly due to the high levels of dopamine they receive(d) while engaged in these activities. Over time, it causes the brain to operate at a dopamine deficit (or, produce less dopamine). As the disease progresses and the brain produces less dopamine, the symptoms of Parkinson’s become more apparent and the person develops tremors and other issues with movement.

    It’s definitely difficult, but I wouldn’t recommend martyring yourself or sacrificing your life for a narcissist or sociopath as it will go largely unappreciated and unreciprocated. In the end, you will discover that every day you spent with them was for nothing…

    Reply
How Answering a Simple Text Message Can Ruin Your Life - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says January 26, 2019

[…] not everyone is as fortunate.  Lives are ruined because targets of narcissistic abuse eventually fall prey to the uncontrollable need to defend […]

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Kathy says December 19, 2018

This is so sad!!
I was with my narcissist for 25 years, we raised 3 kids together. I lost friends , they left because they couldn’t stand him.
He was abusive to our kids.
I always resisted moving out of the neighborhood we lived in. It was my house, got before I entered the relationship. I felt deep down, that I wasn’t supposed to leave with him.
After so many years of a rocky on again off again relationship, fits of depression on my part, the kids were grown and moved out. He kept saying that I was being unfair to him by making him live in a neighborhood he deemed unsafe for him. So, I decided to move where he wanted to live to give him a chance to see if he was right and support him.
Biggest mistake of my life!!!
The first year wasn’t so bad as my brother lived with us, but my brother left because he couldn’t stand to be around my husband.
Then we went to live with my husband’s brother in the same neighborhood.
Here is where the abuse really ramped up!!
I was not in my part of town anymore nor yet close to my family which I had been before.
For a little over year it was hell on earth for me.
He wouldn’t let me talk or give an opinion, it was all about him. He raged on his pet topics which I was supposed to just sit and listen to. I had to go to sleep when he was ready, not when I wanted to/ had to. I was constantly exhausted. Constantly being raged at for little things.
Over the course of one year I had lost hope, felt stuck, and was seriously contemplating suicide. My brain was always foggy, I could barely make decisions for myself.
I was so scared that I was losing myself, my life, ME.
Over the past 2 years, he had been making the attempt at making me question all I believed in. I literally felt as if my soul was leaving me, my essence.
I was able to get out, to family. back to the neighborhood I wanted to be in.
The depression and fog almost immediately lifted. I was also sleeping 9 or 10 hours at night. I was exhausted and could sleep without fear of disturbance.
The change in me was almost immediate. I was happy again!!!

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Survive and thrive says June 24, 2014

I caught the metaphor but this shocks me to the very core. I was 7 or so years into a “relationship” with a person with I’m guessing a crossover NPD/BPD – he has never allowed his mental health records to be accessed. I walked into my closet and realized everything I owned was either grey, tan, khaki or black. Every shoe was serviceable and ugly.
I’d previously been a petite, slim, vibrant green-eyed blonde who was teased (kindly) by her friends for her ability to turn every head wherever I went.
Shocked, I turned and walked out of my room, down the stairs of my home crying out silently to God. As clear as a bell I heard “You’re not dead yet”. That was the very moment I started the long journey of escape and recovery from the hell that being tied to a NPD/BPD/sociopath becomes.

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    Kim Saeed says June 25, 2014

    S & T,

    Thank you for sharing your touching story. I’m glad that you were able to detach and begin healing from the toxic abuse. Sounds like you’ve come a long way…

    Reply
Deborah says December 19, 2013

This is so sad and so beautiful in its metaphors. As one who had suicidal depression following the ending of my relationship with a Narcissist I can really relate since journaling was one way I survived and was the place I took my sorrow and confusion, as when I met him I was very isolated.

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    Kim Saeed says December 20, 2013

    Deborah, it’s alarming the number of people who become suicidal after being brainwashed by these psychopaths. I confess I once had similar thoughts.

    I’m glad you liked my story. While it’s fiction, it contains some harsh reality. The lady in the story could be anyone…including you and me. That’s the main reason for my blog, to create awareness. The trick is to help people BEFORE they become brainwashed and destroyed.

    Reply
anupturnedsoul says December 18, 2013

Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:
This is a very poignant story. Is it fictional or is it non-fiction hidden within the safety of fiction? The feelings within it are very real. And that which it inspires is very real.

And if you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist, then you know all too well how the boundaries between what is real and what is unreal can blur, often making the unreal more real than reality.

Confused ?… confusion is at the core of Narcissistic abuse. They are very confused, but they don’t own their confusion, they pass it on to you and leave you to deal with it.

Once you’ve read this, please take the time to read this too:
Leaving Your Narcissist – Which Path Will You Take? (I’ll fix the link in a minute for those who read this before I do it)

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    Kim Saeed says December 18, 2013

    Ursula, a million thanks for sharing my posts with your dedicated followers. I consider it a high honor that you’ve chosen to include my work on your site.

    I feel as if I’m part of a Native American ceremony, and I’ve been granted the coveted eagle feather….shall I pass the Peyote?

    Reply
      anupturnedsoul says December 19, 2013

      Your writing is beautiful, and your ability to capture the feelings which are connected with the wound which Narcissists inflict on their victims is deep and powerfully healing. I’d be completely insane not to share it!

      😀 The ceremony took place the day we learned to turn the curse of being in a relationship with a Narcissist into a bountiful gift for ourselves and others.

      However since I’ve never been to a Native American ceremony or tried peyote, the experience intrigues me and sounds like a good idea. I did once see a man walk down the street of my local village with an eagle perched on his arm, but the feathers stayed on the eagle. Had I received a feather I would definitely pass it on to you 🙂

      Keep doing what you do, you have a wonderful gift!

      Reply
Third Sunday Blog Carnival: December 2013 | Third Sunday Blog Carnival says December 15, 2013

[…] Raya presents Death by Narcissism at Kim Saeed’s Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed, saying, “This flash-fiction piece […]

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L D says December 11, 2013

Wow, Kim, did this really happen to someone you knew? How did she die? I know victims often take their own life. So sad. -Lynn

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    Kim Saeed says December 11, 2013

    LD…no, this is a piece of fiction. It’s uses metaphors and analogies to illustrate the slow death of our spirit when the Narcissist takes away everything. But, you are right, there are people who are killed by Narcissists, or who become so depressed they commit suicide.

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      navigator1965 says December 11, 2013

      Kim! Your writing is too good and too real. You probably need to add a caveat that this was fiction in the post itself.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says December 11, 2013

        Advice taken…I’ve come to rely too much on tags :/

        Reply
      Val says July 6, 2016

      I was killed slowly and painfully over 3 yrs 4 months and 6 days.
      My death was really unoticed..his family and friends believe I just disapeared …like all the others he killed before me.I am resurecting myself..

      Reply
    Anonymous says February 10, 2014

    this is so tragic and I completely understand how this is possible. it’s not being dramatic, it’s how one feels living with tyranny, hatred and in a surreal world. thank you for sharing this

    Reply
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