The term ‘dark empath’ has been lurking on the Internet in recent months. It’s a concerning trend that needs to be addressed, particularly when it comes to narcissistic abuse recovery.
The dark empath term refers to the idea that some empaths are secretly narcissistic and that they are the most dangerous people of all. In other words, these “kindhearted people” are actual sociopaths using cognitive empathy to meet their needs.
At first glance, the concept might seem plausible. After all, even the most empathic and altruistic person feels frustrated from time to time. And if you’ve had disturbing thoughts about the narcissist in your life, you might question your motives, too. You might doubt if your intentions were ever truly positive.
But dark empaths don’t exist, and this myth is a dangerous one. It can cause unnecessary shame and self-loathing. It can also even perpetuate faulty beliefs about narcissists and their true intentions. Let’s dive deeper.
What Does It Mean To Be An Empath?
Empathy allows us to understand and relate to the emotions that other people experience. Empathic people are curious about others, and they can readily see situations from another perspective. Empathy is an essential ingredient in healthy relationships- it’s what makes people feel safe and validated.
People have varying degrees of empathy. In fact, with practice and intention, you can learn to cultivate more empathy in your life.
A true empath, however, has more than just empathy. They essentially take on the emotions of other people as if they were their own. In other words, if you identify as an empath, when someone else is in pain, you are also in pain. If they’re scared, you’re scared.
It’s no secret that empaths feel emotions intensely. That’s because they’re constantly experiencing different feelings at different frequencies.
But they also can’t just turn these emotions on and off. People often tell empaths to stop caring so much, but empaths cannot voluntarily “choose” how much they care about other people- the caring is part of who they are. It’s as automatic as anything else.
Empaths desperately value human connection. Because this connection is so important, they tend to be patient, compassionate, and good at listening. Many people gravitate towards them for their generosity.
At times, however, empaths may also come across as fragile, sensitive, or needy. Because they feel emotions so profoundly, they may struggle with self-regulation and impulse control. Additionally, they might feel like they have no identity- often, they judge their worth by how well they give to other people.
How Do You Know if You’re an Empath?
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s emotions. As mentioned, this attunement extends beyond understanding emotions- true empaths embody what other people feel. In some cases, empaths even experience physical pain when someone they love is in pain.
Here are some other ways to tell if you’re an empath:
- You may experience intense emotions out of nowhere.
- You feel “vibes” wherever you go, and you can’t always explain them.
- You feel incredibly overwhelmed with love for animals.
- You can’t help but want to help other people.
- You are sensitive to any shift in someone else’s energy.
- You naturally seem to calm other people down (even if you’re not trying)
- You hate conflict and want to avoid it at all costs.
- You become overstimulated by noises or bright lights.
- You get overwhelmed when you have too many tasks.
Not all empaths have every trait. However, a true empath will relate to most of these items. Moreover, it isn’t just about having empathy with a single person. Empaths experience these tendencies in all situations.
Why Do People Believe In The Dark Empath Theory?
The dark empath theory emerges from the idea that some empaths rely on cognitive empathy to meet their needs. According to this theory, they use the same manipulation tactics that narcissists use on their victims. Their empathy (even if it seems incredibly legitimate) isn’t genuine.
Cognitive empathy refers to artificial empathy used to build connections or validate someone else. Many narcissists use this fine-tuned skill to function in everyday life. It allows them to get what they want while tricking their victims into thinking they care about them.
Narcissists understand the benefits associated with empathy. They know that people want to feel understood and appreciated. They also know that connecting to emotions is often key to making loved ones feel safe.
However, the lack of real empathy helps define narcissism. Narcissists don’t switch between cognitive empathy and real empathy. They only act to serve their best interest.
Therefore, the dark empath theory isn’t accurate. Empaths aren’t being manipulative with their actions. Their empathy is part of who they are- and, in fact, many times, people wish they could turn it on or off!
Can Empaths Fake Empathy?
We all fake emotions sometimes. For example, you can pretend to feel sad for your coworker if they get in trouble at work (even if you can’t stand them). You can pretend to love your mother-in-law’s tasteless lasagna.
Faking emotions isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We all depend on various social cues to connect with other people. Consequently, it isn’t always appropriate to be brutally honest in all situations.
Additionally, anyone can indeed use cognitive empathy. After all, many of us practice this skill in our lives. We want to make an important sale, so we think about what will compel our client to buy the product. We hope to make a good impression on our new neighbor, so we listen intently and empathize with their long-winded story.
But true empathy isn’t something you can fake. And true empaths have true empathy- it’s what makes them an empath in the first place!
Why The Dark Empath Idea Is So Damaging
Let’s be real. If you’ve been with a narcissist, you’ve already experienced an intense gauntlet of emotional abuse. You know what it feels like to be with someone who doesn’t care about your needs or feelings. You also know what it feels like to already believe you’re the constant problem.
The dark empath idea can perpetuate gaslighting. Instead of focusing the attention on the narcissist, this theory blames empaths for doing something wrong. In a sense, it justifies narcissistic behavior, as if the empath is to blame for the issue.
Of course, this also happens when the empath already feels beaten down. By this time, their self-esteem is already compromised.
Instead of the empath feeling empowered, they now have another reason to torment themselves. Are they really as empathic as they think they are? Are they really as loving and kind as they try to be? Or are they just as bad- if not worse- than the narcissist?
Do Only Narcissists Use Cognitive Empathy?
No, as mentioned anyone can use cognitive empathy. It isn’t always wrong, either.
However, narcissists thrive on this type of empathy to manipulate the people in their life. It’s how they keep loved ones hooked. Narcissists don’t experience normal empathy for other people. They don’t comprehend anyone else’s needs or feelings.
Instead, they use cognitive empathy to foster a sense of learned helplessness. In other words, they aren’t being compassionate for the sake of being compassionate. They’re being compassionate because it gets them closer to what they want. Later, they may turn and exploit this against you.
Are Empaths Attracted to Narcissists?
There’s a common belief that empaths are attracted to narcissists. It’s as if someone’s compassionate nature targets hostility and abuse.
While it’s true that empath-narcissist relationships are common, it’s dangerous to assume that empaths inherently desire such awful behavior. This mindset essentially dooms empaths- it’s as if they are destined to crave turmoil and chaos.
Instead, it’s usually the other way around. Narcissists want to fulfill their own emotional needs. They want someone who can comfort, validate, and affirm their wonderful selves. That’s why they feel drawn to empaths- at times, empaths are the only people who seemingly listen to them.
Unfortunately, once the empath starts gaining insight into the problem, the narcissist engages in a vicious merry-go-round full of hoovering, love-bombing, and hate-bombing. These tactics are all designed to keep the empath closely contained and controlled.
What if You’re an Empath Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse?
It’s important to remember that this abuse isn’t your fault. No matter what the narcissist tries to tell you, nobody deserves idle threats, confusing mind games, or physical pain.
Don’t blame yourself for not seeing the signs sooner. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’re a dark empath or that something is inherently wrong with you. Many narcissists are skilled in tricking people into believing they are the root of the problem. If you’re an empath, it’s easy to fall right into this faulty mindset.
Narcissistic abuse is as insidious as it is devastating. Often, the abuse progresses over time. The end goal is always about fulfilling the narcissist’s needs. It’s never about your well-being or happiness, despite what they might try to convince you.
Exiting the relationship is the best solution for ending this pain.
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