Unrequited Love Isn’t Blocking Your Recovery — This Is

Kim, thank you so much for explaining and simplifying unreqited love vs. unrequited decency. Breaking down the enumerable offenses of love fraud, I am certain, will help me to somehow get past my inability to feel ‘better’. You should know that I have no find locally

Yes I feel thisnway

This is one of the best things I have read to explain how the relationship with my ex felt. It was when I lost my Dad and my sister in the same year that I experienced such cruelty. This is what really opened my eyes to my relationship and what was really happening. It was a very hard time for me and to realize my 20+ year marriage was very unhealthy for me was even another huge blow!! It was so devastating. I am out and I no longer have to defend myself. Awesome article and what I needed!! I still long for someone decent in my ex-it’s all just more cruelty so I’m no contact. Very hard to come to accept this reality.

Narc husband & son hearly had me for dead. I should have them up for attempted manslaughter

I can’t seem to get over the nice version of them. Whatever tactics they used to draw me in and let my guard down. It doesn’t matter that it was an act, or a fleeting moment of vulnerability on their part that they constantly seek to avoid. I can’t reconcile the evil in comparison to the love I wanted to give. I know this will be with me for life. I trust no one now.

I HAD NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DECENCY SO DIRECTLY, THOUGH WAS AWARE OF THIS LACK OF IT IN SO MANY WAYS CONCERNING THE NARCISSISTS IN MY LIFE. THAT’S IT. THANKS KIM YOU USED THE RIGHT WORD.

I always read your articles but never comment but today I realized why I always come back to what you say… it’s because everything you teach me I already instinctively knew and you just shed a light on it and make it all clear. Thank you for giving me strength

Thank you for another good article Kim.
This definitely resonated with me.I have noted this unbelievable lack of decency in my experience.
It is one of the most confusing, disgusting, and painful aspects of this horrible experience.
To be denied common decency from someone who you believed loved you is so confusing and infuriating.
I Have been denied common decency from all of the people that I met through her.
These are people with degrees in the humanities no less! People who regard themselves as tolerant ,caring, decent,Christian folks!
For some reason I am excluded from receiving any of their noble graces.
I was raised to be decent to all people without question or exclusion.
I foolishly engaged with these people thinking that decency was understood and reciprocal. I was so damn naive!
This woman continues to this day to violate me by spying on my phone.
I did not know that people like this really existed.
I Am still struggling to recover from this nightmare but it is so hard .
There is so much to revover!
I feel as though so much was lost .
To know that these people treat others so inhumanely and that there is no accountability is very difficult for me to rationally accept.
Thank you for doing what you are doing.

Going on 8 weeks since no contact. Honestly I don’t miss not a single thing about that evil entity. I have been reconnecting with old friends on Facebook, sharing pictures and memories and laughing has become a daily occurrence! I was always a pretty happy person before I became enslaved by that monster and now I feel like myself again! It took 2 years of building up so much resentment towards him that I finally was ready to run back into the freedom I knew I deserved! I miss NOTHING about him or his psycho behaviour! God is great!??♥️???

Thank you so much for this. You have shared valuable information. Bless you!

Wow thank you for this article. This is spot on for me. I have been in an up and down relationship with a narc. Started off seemingly good, wasn’t alot of love bombing, until after the second date (there were red flags and I was going to pay attention to them) – when I tried to bring an end to it. From then until now it has been a nightmare. Just a few weeks ago I got strong again, but he saw me and sent me messages about how great I looked and how much he wanted to be with me…to last weekend when he arranged to catch up with me but ended up drinking with his mates. All along I have thought about when we met and the weeks after that he was so decent and conversation was civil but now the conversation is anything but civil and he feels he can say anything to me, no matter how demeaning. And this article has answered the questions I have about why I keep hanging in there, now I know – it is because I keep hoping that the civility will come back. But I know it never will as that genie is out of the bottle and he thinks he has someone he can breadcrumb and treat in whatever manner he wants, including saying some fairly revolting things to me. Thank you so much for writing this; it has helped enormously for me to understand some of what is behind all this. Recover from a narc is difficult but we can overcome it with support and lots of self-love and self-care.

This article is so good! Very oddly enough, one of my last text messages with my Narc went like this: me: I told you last time we spoke I missed you but I haven’t reached out to you because I knew it was not what was best for either of us… I think it is better that we stick with that” Him: “Sadly, I agree…be happy!” me: “It makes me sad too…but so does unrequited love” As I read this article, one memory in particular came back to me. We had been physically intimate for MONTHS when one day out of the blue he tells me that he “may” have herpes. I was shocked. Later I found out the only reason he told me was because he had an outbreak at the time. Not knowing anything about herpes, I figured if he had it, I did by now too and (at that time) I was in love with him and didn’t plan on being intimate with anyone else, ever. So I was sad, but too naive to realize what a blatantly disrespectful thing he had done to me. Just last night I was driving home from a family member’s house and praying. “God, please deliver me from this insane way of thinking I still have about this man. It’s just too strong for me to do it on my own!” I have been no contact for about a month. Today, I opened my email and found this beautiful piece. It is exactly the right words, at exactly the right time. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for the things you had to go through. What we all have experienced. Articles like yours are proof that good conquers evil every time. God bless you!

You put yourself in a vulnerable position to get hurt by man who is married to begin with. He wanted a mistress and only when he wanted. He obviously never developed feelings for you. He just wanted to play and you played into it. I understand you wanted more but the red ags were there and it was the fact that he had his wife. You must have guessed that it could end up this way for you. He sounds narcissistic and only thinking of himself. Now he got another one to add to his collection. He seems as if he doesn’t know what he really wants, but it’s not you. You deserve to respect yourself and be er out yourself in that situation again to be second best to any man. Wish you speedy recovery and life lesson to be learned can be painful. Take care

Oooops…..I am new to this site and just starting to feel my way around and reading up on all the material…..I posted a comment a while ago and now I feel like a dumbass because I have just read 5-ways-narcissist-life-scheming-destroy-right-now and realised that when my ex loaned me that money he was making me believe he was generous, “but it was only to instill in you a sense of obligation in preparation for the debilitating shaft you’d get from them later”. Is it possible now that I can be forewarned and forearmed? Can I prepare myself now for what is coming? I could kick myself but I am going to be kind to myself and not beat myself up about it, it was a slip on my part. I am determined to work through all of this now. I have been alone for 13 years and I am tired of this becoming my identity.
I guess what I am asking is what do I do now? I will never ask for money again – everything is in my life and job are going great and I am making more money now. I will pay back this loan as quickly as I can and be done with it. I will have no contact and merely make the payments on time and more if I can and that is it!
When I ask what do I do now, I mean emotionally, internally. For my own sanity.

Hi Kim,
I am so grateful for your website, articles, advice and tool kits. Thank you for making this contribution towards helping others survive it! I have belonged to an on-line community before. One that gave therapy and/or support through blogging. This was 14 years ago and back then this type of thing was very new.
This website helped me see what kind of a relationship I was living in. I was married for 13 years. Unbelievably I was able to convince my ex-husband to get himself tested and to go for therapy. He never went to the therapy and he never did the CBT but my saving grace was that there was a paper trail to his disorder which helped me in my legal battles after the divorce. I had two of his children, one 14 and one 2. If I thought life was hell living with him, divorcing him was much worse. We went through the usual stalking, physical abuse etc until I ended up with a restraining order, which I have had to use and he has been arrested. This calmed things down for me in a big way. There is something about these people which precludes them from being afraid of the law as well. Am I right?
Anyway I experienced everything from what I described above to him kidnapping my toddler son and me having to get the police to get him back.
13 years later this is all water under the bridge but I have walked the fine line subsequent to these events and it has been a delicate balancing act.
What I need to ask you in this post is that I am experiencing something very different lately. This started happening a few months ago……he has grown very quiet. He is still around town, still lives in the same house and has the same job. My child (the older one is 26 now and self sufficient) is still going to the same school….what I’m trying to say is that he can still find me if he wants to but he is staying away completely. I live in a gated community with lots of security and he is not allowed in, but he does pick up my son at the entrance in front of the security guard house. When I have lived in other communities like this one, he has used excuses like he is desperate for the toilet and they have let him in but he has stopped doing any of these kinds of things. At the school, he would invent excuses as well to try and get to see me as well as things like calling mediation sessions which were unnecessary. In this particular gated community, he may know where I live but behind that boom he does not know which apartment is mine. I also have a new car which he does not know about and I feel, at the moment, quite incognito. Albeit this is exactly what I want, I feel disconcerted. I feel suspicious. My question to you is what is happening? He does have a new girlfriend but this is nothing unusual. I have been told that he is happier which is why he is being nicer. He is being more generous to my son as well and buying him things, whereas for this child’s entire life, he has never bought him anything except birthday presents. Now he is buying desks, guitars (and paying for the lessons!) etc. He has had another marriage (and divorce) and a myriad of girlfriends, some lasting a long time, but he has never changed his “tactics”/attitude towards me before. Now he is leaving me completely alone. He is also being very kind towards me all of a sudden. He even loaned me money. I was desperate and had car trouble and had nowhere to turn otherwise I would not have been able to get to work (this was very recent after never asking for a thing for myself since I left him) he even gave me some money and never asked for it back! I know, it sounds bizarre doesn’t it? I would like some suggestions as to what could be going on as I have known him since he was 18 years old and everything he is doing at the moment is completely out of character for him.
I would love to believe that people can change but I am finding this difficult as I do not want to let my guard down and be blindsided. (I am not going to – he will never be invited into my life again – that restraining order is valid for the rest of my life – save for what I am legally obligated to adhere to such as visitation).
Please help with any suggestions.

I read your story and at some point, especially “And I just don’t know why there constantly has to be contact” I began to wonder if this was the same man?
Or are all narcissists this much alike, as if scripted?
Sorry you went through this

Thank you, Kim, for all of your help and free articles. I was well on my way to recovery, and only found your site on my way out of the relationship. But I found great support on what had been a lonely and confusing journey in your articles.
One of the things I did that made a huge difference was to objectively try to document the abusive incidents. They were reminders when my accomodating side just wanted to blow off the events and continue to hope things would change.

Dear Kim, thank you again for another article which I find extremly important. I experienced this over decades from three of my closest family members and I found this the most damaging. But I was only able to recognize this as abuse after I went no contact / minimal contact for 6 month now and experience “normal” human interactions now.

Excellent information, Kim! Thank you for your work & for sharing it. I’ve learned a lot by reading your material. Simply stunning…& a relief to have so many questions answered. Thank you!!

Hi Laura, I have read your whole story … It is good that you write it all down, especially for yourself, also to read this back again and again .. Until this form of abuse becomes totally clear to you, even though incomprehensible mean and fake what they do. Manipulators choose vulnerable, sensitive ‘goodies’ and all kinds of people who are’nt aware of their skilled forms of manipulations… The contradictions of the narcissist are immense! Even though you have only seen the top of the iceberg !! It is much better to ignore this further, and to trust in your own feelings and instinct. But a manipulator is so many times faster than you are..so handy..so very clever with words..and then it is usually too late when yoy find out! At first you do not realize, but think carefully now… deep down you probably felt red flags much earlier .. Narcs love to play with your emotions, to gain trust .. but afterwards you realize how double and strange their contradictory messages are .. Pure selfishness and self-interest, while your starting point was to see the good in the other (projection of how you are, yourself. Big mistake!) You have fallen into the trap of a cluster B type .. When I read your story, I recognize a lot. Its a kind like my story. It felt horrible when I woke up. I felt really abused and moreover “raped” too .. I now finally realize … that I only have to take myself seriously, and absolutely nobody else!
I feel for you and understand your confusion, isolation..and what more… I got brainfog and cognitive dissonants and lost my identity too..Thats what f*ing narc-energy does to you..
Take care of YOU! Very important.. Bye!
Malou

Thank you Kimberly! Words cannot express my and others gratitude. Xoxo

In December 2017 I had an interview via Skype for a job I applied in another country. I was interviewed and I wasn’t offered the job but somehow the person who interviewed me and I started chatting via whatsapp. We were talking quite a lot. After a couple of days, I asked if he was married by any chance to what he said yes. I thought to stop there and then but he went onto say that he wasn’t happy in the marriage, that he felt he had married that person in order to not stay alone and that he didn’t want to spend the next 30 years of his life like this. Married 25 years and 3 children. (10 years back he had moved in with another woman and after 2 months he returned home because of the children). He told me he was falling in love with me, that his heart was mine, that he wanted to live with me, be a couple and that he was serious about me. We continued talking.

Coincidentally, at that same time I was offered another job I had applied for in that same country where he lives and where he is from and I took it. This job was in a city 300 kms away from where he is. He told me things such as – “being without you is not an option”, “I want to replace my current relationship” (with me) and so on. I really believed what he told me. Thing is that after about 2 months he came to visit me one day and told me out of the blue that he was not leaving his family and was staying. Somehow, we continued talking but during the 8 months I was living there he came to see me a total of 5 times for about 12 hours each time. Many times, he wouldn’t reply to my messages on whatsapp, another time I was talking to him and told him that he didn’t seem to have the initiative to call and that I was feeling things had changed. He hung up on me while we were talking and told me he wasn’t wasting his Sunday listening to things like this. He refused to answer my messages for hours on end and never apologised. Then he went onto say that he didn’t do that to people, i.e. hanging up. There were many times I would see him online on messenger and whatsapp but he always denied talking to others. Even at the start I remember twice when he said he was going to sleep at 11 PM and then I would see him online at 1 AM. He would never ask me how my weekends were or what I did despite knowing I was alone in a foreign country and knew no one. One weekend I was sick and he wouldn’t even ask how I was. He said we were not living together and therefore he didn’t have to ask and that he wasn’t my babysitter. If I had a toothache he wouldn’t ask and he would say he is not like that. He always would say he likes me a lot but when I asked what he liked he would say – I will tell you one day or I’d rather tell you what I don’t like because I will finish quicker. Another day I told him I like him and what I liked and when I asked back he said I had described it very well and that he would use exactly my same words.

I stayed there for 8 months and decided to go back to my country and leave everything in November 2018. He told me he was convinced we would see each other again and I didn’t really understand how since I was going back home in a different country. After one month, in December 2018 while we were talking one day he told me that the person who was working at his company, which was the position he initially interviewed me for, was leaving and if I was interested in the job. I didn’t have a job at the time and I said yes so this time at the beginning of January 2019 I moved to the city he lives in and where he works to work with him. I must say that he didn’t promise a relationship but he never told me there would be nothing between us. In fact, I came back and there was something going on between us including sex. He always would say he was staying with his family and that this would stay that way. For 2 months he was nice to me although he barely saw me – just maybe once every two weeks. In the office he flirted with me when people were not around and he looked happy to have me here. We went twice for dinner and the last time he said we could go somewhere the next time. And I travelled back home for a week to get stuff from there and he told me “please, come back”. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country.

He was with me last time on the 11th of March – sex included. The next day I asked if we could have dinner sometime and he started to be really angry saying we couldn’t have dinner every second day!!! – we had had dinner twice in 3 months. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it. I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong. The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going.

Out of the blue a few days later after being together and after spending the whole weekend without answering a single message I sent, he tells me he has a crisis at home and that he has to deal with it and follow a certain order but he didn’t want to share details with me. He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else. He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. I insisted and he ended up telling me “yes I met someone very recently and it is serious”. I asked “but you were seeing me” and he said “yes, but not at the same level”. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman. He told me the wife was very shocked and I don’t know what he proposed to her. He is planning to move out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing.

He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. I don’t know what this has been really and I am leaving this job and country. I can’t work with him anymore and this was a mistake to accept this job. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

From my post you may know I am alone in the country I am in, no friends and no family.

I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March ( although witout signature) that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul and intuition told me to leave. I could not continue working there. His presence was intoxicating.

I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, friend as he proposed ( only when it suited him as he already had someone new) or as a colleague. I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me.

At the beginning of April I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April. I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR and stating that he had confirm my departure as of the end of April. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave. I said I wanted a reason. He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. He removed keyboard and mouse aggressively and told me that was the company’ s property. I told him whatever he had to tell me to do it in private. He didn’t. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. Next thing was ” I will call the police if you dont go now”. My colleague, clearly supporting him said ” yes, I call them. I got my things and he came to the door holding it for me ( I felt escorted like a criminal and I even felt as he would push me if I didn’t leave quickly. I couldn’t do anything.

He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. I also asked him what he thought of me and he replied “you are vulnerable”. When we continued talking after telling me he was staying with his family he told me “you take this because it is better than nothing”. When I went to work in January with him I asked him why he offered me the job and he said “it is better to have you here than in your home country”. I went home for a week and he said “please, come back”. When I told him that I was thinking of resigning he said “I would hate not to have you in this office”. I asked why and he said “I like to work with you and having you around”. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there. At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.” And just before meeting in person he said: “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”

Please help me with your insight. I am destroyed.

At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

Just an example of a convo last year:

Him: I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Why are you always pushing the way you do?
Me: I just dont know why there has to be 0 contact
Me: Not even a text
Him: And I just don’t know why there constantly has to be contact
Me: Constant??. You keep saying you dont have the time
Him: Obviously it’s a big thing if I don’t text one day
Me: No it is not
Him: Glad you agree. So please act like it
Me: But dont tell me it is because you can’t because you can
Him: Ah. So you are the expert and judge now, I see
Me: Well no one is that busy to say ” hi how are you?”
Me: No not expert at all
Him: If that’s what you want why don’t you find somebody who thinks alike? Because it’s not me

Me: I find it difficult to understand how you can spend a day with me, have sex with me and everything else and now a whole weekend without even saying “hi”
I was sick all weekend

Him: just stop pushing me. I really don’t like to see numerous messages whenever I look at the phone.

Me: I didn’t push, I only asked

Him: that is bad, and I feel sorry for you. But there is nothing I can do about it, and we are not living together, so I don’t feel obligated to ask every five minutes how you are

He also asked ” where is the block button on whatsapp to block you? I can’t find it”.

What is this?

Then on messenger he says: “Can you please tell me how to block somebody on messenger? I never blocked anybody, so I don’t know”