Understanding how to overcome fear is a crucial part of narcissistic abuse recovery.
As you wander out into the world free from the narcissist’s chains, you might feel, well, off.
You probably find yourself second-guessing every decision you make. Maybe you’ve noticed your behavior is more impulsive than you remember.
This is normal.
Why?
Narcissistic abuse – especially long-term abuse – rewires vital areas of the brain. You were living in a state of fight-or-flight during your abuse. Now, the threat is gone but your brain has been programmed to live in fear as its baseline state.
Here’s what’s going on in your head and how to heal.
Narcissistic Abuse Inflicts Long-Term Trauma Leading to PTSD
You’re probably already familiar with the link between emotional abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional and verbal abuse can produce psychological consequences just as devastating as one-off violent events.
When you survive a terrorist attack or car accident, however, it’s easy to identify the incident as a one-off traumatic event. Healing and coping with the aftermath are certainly not easy – but it’s obvious that you were exposed to trauma.
Narcissistic trauma is different.
(Read: Why Narcissistic Abuse is So Damaging)
It’s not a one-off event. In fact, narcissistic trauma creeps in very slowly and can occur over many months, years, or even decades.
At first, you might think it’s just a cute quirk that your partner gets sad when you spend too much time with your friends. Next, you might get annoyed when they want you to check in with them every ten minutes. Until finally, they demand to go through your phone every night and question you about each and every benign message, Facebook like, and comment.
Before you know it, the controlling, manipulative, and abusive behavior has become normal.
But it’s NOT normal and your brain knows this – even if you can’t consciously admit it. As a result, your brain rewires itself to survive in this state of chronic trauma and fear.
That’s why it’s important to understand how to overcome fear in your quest to heal from narcissistic abuse.
How Narcissistic Abuse Rewires the Brain
You may not realize it, but you’ve been living in a constant state of fear.
You worry about how the narcissist will react and respond to everything you say and do. This creates an extremely high-stress environment that produces significant changes in the brain.
For starters, exposure to stress causes your cortisol levels to rise. Over time, high levels of cortisol can lead to weight gain, acne, slow wound healing, muscle weakness, and a broad range of other physical symptoms.
Chronic exposure to cortisol can also shrink the hippocampus: the part of your brain responsible for processing and storing short-term memory. Researchers from the University of New Orleans and Stanford University noticed that subjects with the highest levels of cortisol and PTSD symptoms had the smallest hippocampi.
The cognitive dissonance, confusion, and memory loss you experienced during your narcissistic abuse was no coincidence – your brain just adapted to the chronic fear and stress.
Are You Addicted to Trauma?
When you consume a drug, like an opiate, for example, your brain gets used to receiving dopamine and stops producing the chemical on its own.
Believe it or not, you can become “hooked” on damaging hormones like cortisol as well.
Over time, your brain gets used to the flood of cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones you receive from trauma. As a result, your brain starts to believe that this is normal, and you literally become addicted to the trauma itself to obtain these hormones.
That’s why it’s so difficult to leave narcissistic abuse: the narcissist gets their ego fix from degrading you and your brain receives its fix of cortisol and adrenaline from the constant fight-or-flight environment.
How Narcissism Hijacks the Amygdala
Once you finally leave the chronic trauma of narcissistic abuse, it’s natural to beat yourself up.
How could you let this go on so long?
How did you not see how toxic and messed up the situation was?
Don’t be hard on yourself, because it’s not your fault. After months or years of chronic abuse, your brain and body adapted to this constant state of fight-or-flight – it felt normal to you. Maybe you started to believe that this is just how relationships work whether it be family, romantic partners, or coworkers.
The truth is, narcissistic abuse hijacks your amygdala. This is the part of your brain responsible for regulating basic functions – like breathing and heart rate, as well as primal emotions. This is your impulsive “reptilian brain” that tells you when to feel anger, fear, love, lust, and hate.
If the other parts of your brain didn’t run smoothly and keep the amygdala in check, people would behave like animals.
But the amygdala has another important task: it regulates your fight-or-flight response.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you constantly lived in this state of fear. You were constantly responding to abuse and trauma. Since your hippocampus has shrunk and isn’t functioning properly, you can’t respond to external stressors constructively.
It’s a vicious cycle that keeps you locked in for the long haul.
You’ve been living in constant fear for a long time – that’s why it’s so important that you understand how to finally overcome the fear.
What Do the Effects Look Like?
Identifying the symptoms is extremely difficult when you’re in the throes of narcissistic abuse because you will do anything to justify your situation as normal due to the addiction you’ve developed. Also, the symptoms look different depending on whether you’re still experiencing the trauma or trying to move on with your life.
While you’re suffering from abuse, symptoms might include the following:
- Denial: Making excuses and believing your toxic relationship is normal.
- Compartmentalizing: Brushing the abuse aside and focusing on the elusive “good times.”
- Projecting: Imagining the narcissist has positive qualities that you possess yourself.
Once you’re out on your own, figuring out how to overcome fear, you might notice symptoms crop up at unexpected times:
- Responding to people’s questions defensively
- Behaving irrationally or impulsively
- Over-apologizing
- Paranoia and feeling like everyone is watching your every move
- Feeling depressed, lost, or without a purpose
These feelings are very standard. You’re going through exactly what so many other survivors of narcissistic abuse have gone through. The narcissist controlled you for a long time, and you need to allow yourself time to truly heal from both the physical and mental trauma.
How to Overcome Fear from Psychological Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from the psychological damage from a narcissist takes plenty of time and dedication. And, you may still experience some symptoms years down the road when people, places, and things trigger memories of the trauma and abuse.
The good news is that you’ll be stronger than before, and you’ll have the ability to spot narcissistic traits before another abuser weasels their way into your life.
In order to truly heal yourself from narcissistic abuse, you need to understand how to overcome fear and develop some tactics and coping tools:
- Meditation: According to research from Harvard, eight weeks of mindfulness meditation can rewire the brain to encourage empathy, resilience to stress, better memory, and a sense of self.
- Therapy: Group or one-on-one therapy can help provide you with a fresh third-party perspective. This is something you desperately need after years of narcissistic abuse warping your perception of yourself and the world around you. Just be sure to find someone who is familiar with emotional abuse and trauma.
- Support: If your friends have good relationships with the narcissist, they can’t provide you with the support you need. These are relationships that must be severed. You’re better off leaning on friends who will validate your feelings and won’t blame you for any of the abuse you experienced. Support groups are also a great idea if you can find any in your area. However, be aware that local Meetup groups may not be the best route as many times, they feature people who masquerade as healers when they’re really narcissists out to exploit you.
- Generosity: Helping someone is a tremendous way to get yourself outside and develop a fresh, yet realistic perspective of your place in the world. This can be something as big as volunteering at a charitable organization on the weekends to helping your mom or dad around the house.
- Gratitude: Addicts in recovery are always encouraged to identify things they’re grateful for on a daily basis. Focus on the positive aspects in your life now that the narcissist prohibited you from experiencing in the past, such as basic privacy and relationships with others. What do you love most about your newfound freedom today?
- Keep a Journal: You don’t need to log every moment of every day – but when something knocks you off your base, write it down. This will help you notice trigger patterns and areas you can work on.
- Self-Care: This sounds pretty basic but in reality, it’s anything but that. You spent so long giving your whole life and identity to the narcissist – it’s time to make time for yourself. Do something the narcissist always said you couldn’t do!
Set Yourself Free from the Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse and Fear!
The key is to develop a personalized healing plan that works for you which helps you develop your relaxation response and learn to self-soothe. Everyone suffers from PTSD differently, so your treatment needs to create an environment where your mental health can flourish.
Ready to overcome fear after narcissistic abuse once and for all? Check out The Break Free Bootcamp to start your journey on the path to recovery.
