Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You, But Won’t Let You Go

When you said”legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life”. That part. I’m done I want to be happy again.

There’s so many times Tom traumatised me I forgot some rippers he got drunk and poohed his pants I got home he was walking around in my undies I laughed I don’t know what happened to him at this point anyway he picks up his pants rubs shit in my face whilst he has me by the throat. I go to the bathroom to wash my face and hands he comes in head butted me then punched me in the stomach it was devastating I mean I can’t find the right words to describe what I felt so I sobbed and injected him with ice and then he walked out to go visit his cousins said that he would be back then just ignored me for 3 days. And I left he punched me again for leaving and I called the police I just had enough and he grabbed my mobile off me and started dumping the rest of my belongings in the front yard we were living in a granny flat the police came they rang my phone after he said that I was lying and ringing on the end of his bed.i got my first AVO that day but I still had no were to live and I went back he kicked my knees black they have been replaced now and I learned to walk again. But now I’m his fat pig lol .I need help he doesn’t give a fuck about me and I was so excited about meeting him people would say what are you on.his mum spat on me because doesn’t mention the stuff he does I give $3000 worth of jewellery for valentines day not even a card back but I was so happy that I was able to get it for him we did spend the day together but he disappeared for 6 days and then rings me and what’s my problem well u could have texted me ive been a fool ..he was even trying to crack on to my girlfriend jazzy. I don’t know what to do with my self just sitting in the dark. No one will even read this but it feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks again

I am with a covert narcissist with some malignant behaviors and it’s slowly killing who I am and I want help out..I know how but feel all alone in doing it.

I was married to the devil the master and teacher of narcissist for 14 yrs and then he died

Yes,Kim this one really helped! Have not seen my female covert narcissist in almost 2years after being discarded out of the blue and fabricated smear and devalued stuff had been in play for months until I researched and discovered who she really was with mask off.Hurtful and scary! Emotional thinking fading,but struggle with how someone could really be that way! In my own no contact recovery! I have not been hovered yet.

You just summed up the last 31 years of my life in that short video.

I never wanted to realize that my own husband is a narcissist but after reading this article it became clear what I am dealing with. But I don’t understand why I cannot let go of him

I am going thru the break up letting go part now,I have only been with him 2yrs and I have lost everything my home my car (he destroyed)physically abusive,held hostage in my own home,cheater since day one,Liar about everything it was to the point where I was scared to death when he was there,but more terffied when he wasn’t because of things he he had threatened me with,He is in jail right now,so keep me in prayers that I can stay committed to getting him out of my life For good&FOREVER

He only ever calls to use me. I’m an afterthought and there is always a motive for him to get something. I come last until he wants to use my car and waste my time.

This has been life with my narcissistic husband for 35 yrs and it’s almost driven me to taking my life, that’s how broken I am. Thank you for explaining it so well, I hope others read it and realise the true horror of being trapped by a narc.

Thanks Kim. Each n everything u said is true. I can totally relate. I read all ur articles n after 3 years from knowing he is a narcissist, I believe he is but….still sometimes I doubt myself if he is changing or maybe I am wrong about him.
But ur articles help me focus not to doubt myself, and now I don’t waste my energy on him cuz I know he wants me.
Thanks for ur emails, articles which keeps me away from going into blaming myself, getting depressed, that loop…
Though m not the same person that I was but atleast I save some of my energy to atleast look after my baby.
Anyways u r doing a great job. Thanks once again, keep doing it. It’s a big help for many.

A succinct and bang on explanation.

Chilling how much I related to this topic realizing I’m living my life as a victim. Thank u, for your easy to understand discussion .

This is one of the best articles you’ve ever written and one of the best articles I’ve ever read .

I could not understand or forgive myself for going back to someone who treated me like crap, throwing me out, was so grumpy, and not even particularly attractive to me. After a fight, I’d get a nice call or text exchange like it wasn’t a big deal and I would laugh it off. When I finally left for good (after the third time of getting thrown out of his apartment), I hated myself and thought I was so pathetic to keep going back. Even though he was the completely irrational one, I would start the conversation back up with him or I would call and apologise. I still don’t forgive myself fully for being so weak but reading this article every once in a while, helps me to get my head around the treatment I experienced and why things transpired the way they did.

Thank you so much Kim x

Thank you so much Kim . You have open my eyes to understand what is going on with this man . Just pray for me because we going to court Friday because I had to put a restraining order on him two weeks ago. Thank you again ?

I m married to one and she keep saying I m a narcissist how can I tell I m not one

Your article was very empowering and enlightening. I chose to save myself. So I ignore, avoid and resist the narc when feasible. He became someone I used to know, no longer have feelings for and doesn’t exist in my world. Took back control, and that feels wonderful. Am no longer a source of supply or energy for the narc. Saving all of the above for myself & people who make me happy and content. I am strong & will survive!! Refuse to be a victim or target any longer!!! Hooray for me!!! Pray that God continues to watch over me.

Being such an empathic person I always try to see where the other person is coming from and try to understand why they do things so incomprehensible to me. w
Why people would purposely hurt other people. I really needed this article today thank you so much It was spot on

I’ve been with my husband for 54 years and only now found out that their problem has a name, I was made to believe, I was the problem. You’ve explained my life in a few words. I wish there was a way out after 54 years of marriage and a stroke

It is hard to get your head around this it is for my any way that usually they are nice because they want something. Example. Our son and daughter cut us of a year ago we are left with our daughter trying to keep in touch and be peace maker to our son. She has been through major changes and ops ill her self. The narc our sons partner unblocked our daughter from her media just before her birthday daughter met up with them was pleasant but didn’t feel she wanted to give the narc a present due to her bad behavior ie stopped us as parents seeing grandchild. No contact again until her nephew our grandchild’s birthday daughter went to see them gave them all some lovely presents from us as well. Guess what she got what she wanted now blocked our daughter again all game play. She was only nice thinking she would get a present held on until she got stuff clothes that where new from us all then blocked again. She buys her own child second hand and spends all the rest on takeaways for herself. What hurts is our son go’s along with it and was never raised in this manner.

I have been in a narcissistic relationship with this man for 10 years..its been a complete hell for me, a roller coaster .yes a hell of a ride..I’m ready to end this .thanks

I would like to know more on codependency and how to heal.

I had no idea how evil they really are. Sooner or later, everyone will realize what they are. They will become very lonely old people. That’s what my brother has become. Don

What about convicted stalkers who use articles like this to justify their insane behavior? Stalkers who try to ruin other families because they are jealous pathetic losers? Do you seriously think that women don’t behave like this? I found your article because the convicted stalker who terrorized my family for the past 18 months posted it on her pathetic social media pages at 1am because she’s certifiably insane. But thank you because YOUR article will be included in our next request to have her finally arrested. Thanks.

You are soooo correct! Every thing I have read by you is exactly what happened to me. My relationship was just like you described. It has taken close to 10 years for me to stay completely out of & remain away from the unhealthy relationship.
I came to realize I would never have a answer as to why I was being treated the way I was. I felt like I was crazy, out of my mind, I knew I wasn’t doing the things I was accused of & had no idea why he would say what he was saying. Nothing made sense.
I truly appreciate what you have shared from your personal experiences & from your professional perspective.
It’s nice to know that I what I was feeling was not wrong (it was really happening) & I can continue to heal from this craziness.
Thank you w/ all my ♥️.

Thank you for your wisdom and uplifting text. All so true for me personally. There are things worse than death.
Evil is very real and wears a mask.

Anyone seen the movie “mother!” With Jennifer Lawrence and javier bardem? Sent chills down my spine! See what happens if you don’t get rid of the narc in time! Xoxo

I’m learning so much about this personal disoder. I have two daughters that are in their early forties and both of them are have made my life miserable. I couldn’t understand all this and why their behavior towards me continues to be the same.
I’m so grateful that I have these resources.

I swear it feels like you’re outside my house, with a cup to the wall, listening to what’s going on here. Something will happen, and the next day, I’ll get an email from you with a link to an article that seems to speak to me personally.

My narc knows I’m biding my time. That I’m going to leave him soon. We go for days and weeks without acknowledging the other while living under the same roof. Eventually, he will either ask a question and then attack my reluctant answer (no matter what the answer is); or he will do something on the trailing edge of decency that opens small conversation that quickly devolves into shouting. His rages are being bottled up because I’ve learned to hold my phone in air while recording his outbursts. It shuts him down, but all that rage has no where to go, no pressure release valve, so now he has resorted to non-chalantly dropping in scathing, deep-slicing insults, and then insulting me even more when I clap back.

He has lost his power to make me feel bad about myself. I know that on my worst days I will never be uglier than he is on his best. Let everyone else reinforce to him how wonderful, smart, magnificent, exciting, charming, handsome and hard-done-by he is. Let them all be on his side. Let them believe all of the horrible things he has said about me. I know something they don’t. I have come face to face with the creature under the mask. Cold blooded, scaly, fangs, claws, red eyes, and fungus feet. I could look like Fiona all day every day, but I will never resemble Freddy Kruger.

I can change the things about myself that he derides. Skin deep beauty can be fixed and trends change with the season. Once I can channel my energy back into loving myself, I will blossom and thrive. Deep down ugly will always be what it is, and he is one of the ugliest things I’ve ever come across. The day I accepted this, I stopped anthropomorphizing a creature that knows nothing about being human. He is driven by his jealousy of the good and kind. He wants to destroy it and delights in watching the effects of the slow torture he carefully administers. Quality victims are hard to come by, so he keeps them around as long as he possibly can without killing them. He takes them to the edge of death, stops, and allows some healing before he starts up again. The more healing that has occurred, the more satisfying it is for him to watch the slow burning suffering. If his victim begins to move away from him, he is enveloped with an all-consuming rage and will stop at nothing to get his revenge.

He hasn’t secured my replacement yet. He’s been working on it, but I don’t think it’s quite in the bag enough for him to let me go. He also knows there is enough spirit left in me that I stand a real chance of completely recovering once he is no longer my master. He knows that once I’m out, he will not be a thought in the back of my mind. How dare I live a good life without his permission? He is Cape Fear level on revenge.

I am astounded that he is walking around among normal society. He is surely as twisted as any other monster that found themselves behind bars, away from the general public. Believe I’m not saying that for dramatic effect.

I don’t care why he hates me. I know it has nothing to do with me. Nothing he thinks or does has anything to do with me. It’s all about him. One of the more obvious things I noticed, once my eyes were opened, is he absolutely rages and spits fire if I ever say anything about “me”. If I don’t include him and say “we”, he goes into a tailspin of a fit. How dare I be independent, have an independent thought? I’m not allowed to be “me”, myself, or I, unless he says I can. So far, he has engineered the power balance so I can’t even leave without his consent. Like a prisoner in a dungeon, I have chipped, chipped, chipped away at the stone walls. Soon I will be free.

I’m running against the ticking of the clock. The virus really pulled the rug out from under my momentum Will I make it out in time? That remains to be seen. I honestly and truly think he would rather see me dead first. I don’t stay because I “love” him. I have been careful to not allow hate to fester in my heart so it will not be ruined by the poison. I will still be able to love once I get out of here. I want to tattoo a warning on him, though. I feel so horrible that some other hopeful heart will eventually fall for his lies and hateful deceit. Of course, he has a stable of standbys but they obviously aren’t enough of a challenge to satisfy his growing cravings for suffering. Some other worthy, butter-soft, virgin heart will be controlled by him and driven to the brink. He doesn’t play nice with his toys.

I’ve tried something really unique when I’ve received two random calls from my ex abuser over the last 4 months, which is a variation of grey rock. Rather than being weirdly vacant and stoic, which would be so unlike me, I go OVER the top nice, nice, nice to the point of inviting him and his new supply around for cocktails! Yes, it’s that over the top! I’ve done this twice and each time he has nowhere to go. There’s no fight to be had. He has no option but to just end the call politely. He would never actually come around except to fight so now he has no reason to stay in touch. I believe this is a good option for people if it’s used safely.

I was 2 years in a relationship whit a narcistic woman. I knew she had a borderline diagnosis, and often I thougt, she has a multiple personality. So I always felt pity for her and found an excuse. In opening my heart, giving more love, I thougt I could rescue her and the relationship. This mistake leaded me into a big black hole, that you all experienced probably too. The fact is, all the storys that I read from Kim, I can sign up to 100%. Every little part, every detail, all the sadistic behaviour, all what is written there, I experienced to the fullest. Now I’m out. What helps me extremly and I want to thank greatfully, are the recurring e-mails from Kim, appearing every week. This let me stay on the path forward. Don’t stop doing this…. Thanks

2 daughters and an x husband of 40 years are my narcissist. Becuz I was abandoned as a child and told no one would ever love me, I believed it. So as the abuse got worse with my family I of course took full responsibility. Dont fall for the myth “if your own Mother
doesn’t love you” bcuz she as well was a narcissist. And dome women should never have children or be Motger’s. Until this last article the sad truth about narcissist hatred.. I limited my contact but they use my Grandkids to make me fall in line. No real contact for 2 years but found out Sunday that I am the reason our family is so dysfunctional.WTH! My youngest daughter is just like me and now they have turned their venom on her not even acknowledging her baby girl for the past 2 years.Does it ever stop?

Thankyou Kim for this article, I needed to read it to remind myself just how awful life with my now-ex covert narcissist was at times, But at times it was wonderful Im in euphoric recall at present and am feeling so very very sad ,and so angry with myself for allowing to this happen to me again. My brain is so split in two and I partly feel I should have stayed and tried harder to make it work, although I know I did try so hard.
I thought I would feel so much better once Id ended the relationship but I feel awful with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Having just signed up for you Bootcamp Course Im looking forward to getting started and recovering and healing from this nightmare.
Thankyou so much for your wise words and your knowledge

I feel like I’m the bad guy. I’m taking the blame for everything he’s done to me. I’m the one with the problem.

This is so spot on. My ex tricked me into getting an abortion and promised me we would try again once he finished grad school. I got it done, and was super depressed. Not even a week later he took me to therapy for the first time telling me it was to cope with the abortion, instead he told the therapist he was breaking up with me and we were for sure done and his plan was to trick me into getting it done. The therapist was shocked and I was utterly humiliated, shocked. He let me stay for a weekend to pack up my things and I had to move back to a different state and start over. He treated me like I was absolute trash like he was so much better than me…his behavior was gross and he was acting like he was going to live his best life after i left. Changed his profile of him at a pool the next day after I left saying he was going to have the best summer. Still til this day I have not heard from him and it has been a year. A fake number keeps txt me randomly saying we met on a dating app but i know it’s a lie. i know it’s him just trying to trick me to feed his ego. I’ve never dated a narc before, so this is trauma that is new to me and it’s so hard to comprehend. You feel like it’s all your fault when you know it’s 100 perfect theirs…but he tried his best to make me feel as low as possible. Its gross how he did me like that. I’m glad hes out of my life for good, 6 years of being off and on was wasted. I’ll pray for his next victim.

I’m divorcing my narcissistic husband of 27 years, he sucked the love and life out of me. I did not ruin this he did. I’m on my way back to becoming me again. Thanks for everything y’all post, every time I read this posts it reminds me of why, and so there is no going back this time.

Currently going thru this right now. I feel like I’m failing miserably. I feel like because I love him so much that maybe eventually he will hurt me. No contact has never worked. We have went for 3 weeks wolithout talking to each other. We pick right up with me loving him. Can I make it better I’m sorry. The whole time he’s saying I did this and I did that and he don’t acknowledge anything and he’s never sorry. Oh my gosh. I go crazy every freaking day. The last time I left I came to Florida so. He is now in Ohio and I in Florida. But I believe and he has led me to believe that he wants to come here to me. Idk if he will. He hates me so why would he? I mean he shows me he has told me. But then he loves me too why can’t I just act right??? I’m a 42 old single mother who raised my children. My children are all out on their own some have their own children. We didn’t have or raise any together. So it’s just he and I and I swear that man can fight everyday. He’s 46. Will he ever grow up. I know he hasn’t had many lasting relationships. I have been one of longest but I’m at my limits of shit for this lifespan!

Very informative and inciteful

This is one of the hardest things for me to deal with as I coparent with the narcissist. If you want to call it coparenting. It’s so hard to deal with. I get along with every person I ever dated and I’m still friends with most of them. But the father of my son, Just hates me says it’s because I sued him (meaning getting child support) He will go months without seeing our son and the second I mention any thing about money he owes me he uses our son to scare me. Then, I end up caving. It costs so much money to fight them in a system that has no idea! It just feels hopeless, defeating, and so depressing. To everyone who can break free without an attachment, you are beyond fortunate. I read these post and my ex is textbook! He’s also physically abusive which contributes to my fear when he uses my son to scare me! I feel like I’m living a nightmare filled with anger and sadness.

This clears up a mystery for me. I was wondering why my mother always wants to do things with me and my family…yet when we have lunch with her or go out somewhere etc. she complains, insults us, doesn’t seem to be happy or enjoy our company. The reason must be what you write about- trying to keep us ‘hooked’ on her.
Luckily I gave up hoping my mother was a normal loving mother many years ago and now rarely see her. Why bother? She doesn’t enjoy my company or like me. I just shrug.

TY

What happens when the narcissistic is your mom? The one person who is supposed to love you no matter what…

You know what… Maybe I’m a narcissist… I want to be clean of negative behaviour toward others.
So anyway, this article is good for me, so that I can avoid all this hatred.
Being mean kinda makes anyone unhappy deep down..

Just pure manipulation…
I guess it is not worthy to be a narcissist.
They are unhappy and sick.
They must feel remorse deep down.
I bet most of them were abused since they were born, and they grew up believing that humans are monsters who need to be manipulated.
But they think they are heroes.
Sure… I agree loving a narcissist is kinda rewarding and addictive… But it will also isolate you from the world, cause the narcissist make you believe the world is cruel and hostile place.
And he is the baby you should protect LMAO. So insane…

It has been a long road and I still do not see the end of it, although I can feel it at times. The love I felt for this man was overwhelming. I would have done anything for him. He was cold and calculating, every move meant something whether it was an angry outburst, a casual and extremely intermittent mention of affection for me, etc ad nauseum. After the physical, emotional and psychological abuse, I finally called the sheriff and had him arrested. He proclaimed his innocence far and wide to anyone who would listen and stayed in jail for 2-1/2 months, finally pleading guilty so he could get out and now turning all our friends against me as the guilty party in this; evidently they believe him because they all came today to retrieve all his belongings from my home. He still has equipment in a storage shed, but is supposed to retrieve it very soon, I suppose with the help of these same friends of his. Needless to say, I am devastated because I loved him so much. I signed up for your courses and then pulled back because he went into one of his “damage control” phases; for a few short months I tried to again believe he loved me, but he did not. I need to be in your courses and will sign up for sure when I have the money. I am in counseling and have been also going to Al-Anon because of his alcohol, marijuana, drug and whatever other substances he was on. He still claims he does not have a problem, by the way, with any of these substances, but he uses extremely heavily. His entire family, and I mean everyone, brothers, sisters, ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and his children have all rallied behind me; his mother was the one who urged me to call the sheriff and she has been a godsend, stronger than I have been. I have stayed in prayer, called for Heavenly protection for him from evil, and the other day I finally was able to pray for blessings for him (bless your enemies for in so doing you are heaping live coals on their head). That helped me turn a corner. Today was very hard with him coming to get his things out of the house under the supervision of two deputies from the sheriff’s department; hence, this long missive to you, which is way overdue. When I started praying for blessings for him, a miracle happened; I was more peaceful and a loan I had applied for 4 months ago was granted last Friday! I know I need help. I am still so sad and broken. I will stay in touch. I do read all of the emails you send and I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Saving money to start your course. Thank you.

Many thanks Kim for this article, is very powerful !!!

Every time when I start to feel sorry for the person who almost destroyed my life and career, I read an article written by you and find the power to move on.

It is very interesting that after you start to see things more clearly, the feelings towards the aggressor go from pity, in the first phase, to anger, when you realize what happened and how badly it brought into your life, and finally you laugh when you see the desperate behavior after attention and resources you are no longer willing to give to the aggressor.

God bless you Kim.

Good read, everything you write matches with the persons I have been dealing with.

It’s the same here ‘ as it is for me
I believe the people who are Narcs , are because they are “ demonic or have a attachment(Jin)

The whole universe will support you dear.
I m sure about this
Love
Rajni

WOW you hit the nail on the head, this information is so true, thanks for confirming, it’s so hard to deal with…thank you for sharing your great information, helps give me hope!

I believe the biggest key to healing and freeing oneself from a narcissist is to let go of any denial that they love you, mean well (even in their own “twisted” way) or hope for any real change or reciprocity on their part. Some people truly are evil and that’s a very tough pill to swallow and infinitely more so if the narc in question is someone who holds a sacred office such as spouse or parent. Cut the cord and live a fruitful life for YOU without them. It will truly set you free!

Thank you for sharing this information! This is exactly what I’m dealing with and just couldn’t understand what I’VE done so terrible! No longer will I be used to fuel him I’m going NO CONTACT!!

Thanks this is very informative!

I’m living in the same apartment with my narcissistic husband in seperate rooms. I have discovered who he really is after 44 years of marriage. I’m finally strong enough to move on.

I recently realized my husband is a covert narcissist. We have been together for 15 years, and I always knew something was not right with him, but after researching a lot about the narcissism, I finally understand what it is. I am still in shock, but I am passed the denial. He put me through so much pain and suffering, I neglected my life, my career, moved to another country for him…I forgot who I was, he crushed my self-esteem, and now the consequences are starting to show on my physical and mental health. I am trying to be strong, for my child, but it is so hard, when he spits all his hatred in front of my young son. The worst thing is, everyone thinks he is this nice, quiet guy, committed to his family, but no one knows what am I going through behind the closed doors. I often wondered why he has no friends, why he doesn’t reach to other people, how can he live like that…The only people who come to our house are my family and my friends. And I think half of his family is also narcissistic. I am not able to leave him at the moment, because I did not work since my son was born, and it is very difficult for me to find my way in a country where I have no connections, no support, except for a few rare friends. But I finally understand why I was attracted to this guy, and I am determined to build up my life from ashes and be happy. I think he was a lesson I needed to learn in this life. As well as my ex best friend, whom I recently broke up with after realizing she was a narcissist too and has been using me for years, and finally treated me terribly…I understand that I am attracting these freaks, and that I need to change and start loving myself again.

Am making good progress since the “relationship” with the idiot as I like to call him. What a long struggle it has been but one of things I am grateful for is all the work I have done on myself. I am “grateful” if that’s the word for this experience as it has changed me completely in the sense that I am no longer naive, no longer gullible, see people for what they are (most of the time) but if I’ve made a mistake, I now have no compunction about walking away. I’ve finally, finally realised it’s my life and I am not on this planet to make other people feel better. Just hoping my comments might help as it is worth the journey, it really really is. I saw the idiot the other day and just stared at him driving past with a blank expression as he brought no feeling out in me whatsoever. He hasn’t been back since! Fingers crossed.

My narc if I can even say that has cheated on me so many times it s unreal when i moved away he begged me to come back. Courted me for six moths only to find out he was living with another women. She contacted me com i fought or hlm. Only to find out he would kick her out for the wenkemd when i come into town and bring her back when i left. This is like the013th time i have taken him back . Thinking he changed i would come back to town on a weekend only to find out he is married to is ex wife still. God the excuses are amazing and i fall for it ever time been doing this for two years. Not only is he still married but she posted the flowers she got on Facebook i got nothing but a happy valentines text message. And as he would say the great sex. Somehow the sex is not that great anymore. Once he got what he wanted From me. He spent the rest of the weekend making up excuses why he couldn’t see me. I’m working I’m going to the tax lady my friend got in a car accident oh my god this case is go on and on. Finally I blocked his number and drove back home only to have him call my work. I would love to believe that he misses me and wants me back and that he’s sorry for what he did but I know the truth. God I hope I don’t go back this time. Signed brokenhearted

I’m 4 months into my separation from my Narc. It has been the hardest 4 months of my life, well I take that back because the last 4 year of our relationship was pretty horrific as well. But I literally lost everything. My narc spent the last 4 years erasing my identity…selling my car, forcing me to give up a career to run his business, all while refusing to put me on his bank account or purchase assets in my name. On Nov 30th he attacked me to force me back into submission after a 4 day bout of gaining strength. Tonight I lay in the bed at the domestic violence shelter I’ve been in for the last 4 months, my friends and family 900 miles away. I’m here because God has given me the strength but your articles on my toughest nights remind me I’m not the only one and the torture and sexual assault I endured were real. No matter how well he has lighted me. They were real and the effects of his actions have been duplicated by many others. And the wounds its left can be healed. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I went back 3 times and he is still trying to get me to go.

Wow!! 12 years of abuse. Its been over a year since I have seen him because he is in Mexico. I was there with him the last 5 years of our relationship. I escaped. He almost killed me. I still had contact by text messaging him. Ive blocked that but I need to change my number. I deeply loved him. I know it wasn’t healthy. I gave up my life to go to Mexico when he was deported. Thats when it got really really bad. I could not understand why? I felt like he really hated me and his jealousy was different. When I did good he would be jealous. Not normal. I did everything for him. He had people do bad things to me. They tried killing me with electromagnetic torture among other torture. Ive been seeing a therapist for over a year now. Its been a very hard year! But im ok. Thank you for all the helpful videos.

So right on, Kim. God revealed this to me 3 months into a deception of a marriage after I had known this person for over 1 year and a half. By God’s grace, I escaped and have gone no contact. He still throws fiery darts at me but even with those he gets nothing from me. As though he didn’t exist. He is not worthy of my acknowledgement.

This is so scarily accurate and sums up the last 13 years of my life. Are they always conscious they do this? My ex has spent a fortune on counselling over the years but seems to genuinely lack insight into who she is.
All makes sense though – She talks about our break up as though it was nothing to do with her and legitimises her cruelty by blaming me.

I have followed you now for a few years. Kim your information has literally saved my life. I can’t say that it has not been a struggle every single day even with you right by my side… That you opened my eyes with your experiences and knowledge about what I had been dealing with with this man that was just about as deplorable as any human being could get. Thank you. I do share with others that are suffering the information that you give to me through email. Finding you was better than any therapist that I had ever seen… I even had a therapist tell me that it was my problem because I was addicted to this person… The general community has absolutely no idea what a true “narcissist” is.
Mine carried on with my knees behind my back for three months and then tried to blame it on me. Assigning affairs and infidelities to me that had never occurred. Then I found out that my niece was borderline. Something the family kept secret. They were the two closest people to me. I spent three years in living hell being tormented by both of them. Thank you Kim . From the very bottom of my heart. And this article is spot on. To this day he still tries to convince me that things can go back to the way that they work. Unfortunately, the other part that he neglected to tell me in the beginning was that he was married. And he lived the life of a man that was divorced. To hLise’s and a beaten down wife That I am sure was happy every time he was gone and at the other house. The problem is he has taken advantage of and abused in a multitude of different ways multiple women… And because our state has the alienation of affection law… He then threatens his targets with his wife. That his wife is going to sue them and take everything away from them through alienation of affection. Well after I was able to count up that I am sure was happy every time he was gone and at the other house. The problem is he has taken advantage of and abused in a multitude of different ways multiple women… And because our state has the alienation of affection law… He then threatens his targets with his wife. That his wife is going to sue them and take everything away from them through alienation of affection. Well after I was able to count up About five different women that he was actively pursuing while he was with me, and some of the things that I have found out about what his wife has overlooked in the past with his infidelities makes him a fraud… Because he is threatening something to protect himself that is completely false. He no longer hold that over my head. And I went to every single woman that I could find that had been involved with him and they all got messages from me. That was a really bad day for his target list. Anyway I’m rambling on.. about five different women that he was actively pursuing while he was with me, and some of the things that I have found out about what his wife has overlooked in the past with his infidelities makes him a fraud… Because he is threatening something to protect himself that is completely false. He no longer holds that over my head. And I went to every single woman that I could find that had been involved with him and they all got messages from me. That was a really bad day for his target list. Anyway I’m rambling on . Just simply thank you ♥️…Because your information keeps me one step ahead of him and he will never get in front of me again. Ever. This article was written for my situation to a T

I divorced her almost two years ago .. but she kept talking to me until a year ago and she lied to me again told her to leave me alone .. and three weeks ago she contacted me .. and now I feel like I’m in a take spin

20+ years of living with a narc. I see it, but start to believe that the grass is not greener on the other side. And, then one starts to feel sorry for them, when they brood with a broken heart. Or, the anger, that is waiting to explode into a rage. They don’t want to talk about anything and say that your starting again. Tired

I’m not sure if I’m in a relationship with a Narc or not. I’m leaning towards yes more than no. Kim your emails have help me come to terms with this. My BF & I have been together for 7 years now & the last 2 of those years have been hell. I feel like I woke up one day & saw things in a new light. He has tried to come between my only child & I, he says ugly things about my child & my grandchildren. He will do things to me but if I were to do the same things to him it wouldn’t go over so easily. (like staying out all night w/friends, not answering phones calls while he is away) But if I were to do those things to him he says I’m cheating. He makes me feel like my feelings aren’t important & when I cry & tell him I can’t do this anymore he tells me not to waste my tears on him that hes not worth it, which makes me feel worse. I feel like one day he is the person I fell in love with 7 yrs ago & the next day we can walk right passed each other & not speak. It’s just a roller coaster of emotions that I shouldn’t have to deal with. I understand relationships are work but this is to much.

My Narc of one year is always very polite always thanking me for doing the dishes or cleaning anything and everything politeness, as long as things are going smoothly, it’s a constant walking of eggshells, he has many of the traits of being a narcissist, but those sweet moments keep me pulled in, is this politeness normal narc behavior

Great article, Kim. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse but met many many more narcissists outside of romantic relationships and I feel it is really important we educate ourselves on the different shades of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Sharing my story here in hope to help others who might be in similar situations: http://souljournaling1.blogspot.com/
Much love to all who are on the road to recovery from narcissistic abuse. <3

I left the N but the abuse continues. He left me homeless and turned everyone against me. He was apparently planning to destroy my life for a long time. Telling everyone I was crazy and then I looked that way because of the extreme abuse and control over my entire life. He manipulated the system and any opportunity for me to get emotional support. I was even raped by his friend and it was made to look like I was cheating. I was physically abused and it was made to look like I was a liar. He still controls all of my phone calls, emails, etc. and I cannot get any help with this invasion and control over my life. I have tried everything I know to do to get him out of my life but the places that were supposed to be helping me were actually being abusive. He got to everyone before I tried to get help. He has even tried to set me up in court to commit a felony. Because he made everyone believe I was trying to send him to prison. He would start abusing me with emails and every thing I said was manipulated. He even caused me to have an accident in my car so that I don’t even have a car. He was even manipulating any job I would try to get. I believe he had cameras in my home. Records all my phone calls and then edits them. That is why I was raped because I made a joke. But the end of the call where I said it was a joke was edited out.
The trauma of the rape is still haunting but it is made worse because I know that he caused it, and no one believes me. I don’t know what else to do. I believe he still tracks every thing I do. I believe he turns the microphone on my cell phone on, because he knows everything I say. He would use other people to play cruel psychological games with me. My adult children were also manipulated to help him play these cruel games and try to set me up to look like a liar. It is so painful, because it doesn’t stop. I realize that it isn’t their fault, they weren’t manipulated the same way I was. He has admitted he has done all of these things because I tried to get legal advice on how to protect myself financially. I tried to get trauma therapy and was basically told that “if you can’t prove it in a court of law we just say it didn’t really happen.” I don’t know what else to do. I realized he had been manipulating me our entire marriage, 20 years, to discredit me when he was ready to discard me.

You summed it up brilliantly Kim! “If you go along with this mirage, you’ll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.” Yes, that’s me, that solitary traveler. Things are slowly on the path of changing since I am now aware that I have become solitary and I must “start using my mind” in order to survive and thrive.

This is exactly what I’m experiencing. I have never dealt with anyone like this and yet after he violently scathe me with words, which I have no idea why? I try and understand his outbursts. I’m going crazy! Thank you for bringing this to the forefront. I am truly lost!

Yes, this is all too familiar. I can remember leaving this horrible person I was married to on several occasions while she was at work after having a knock down, drag out fight and she would call me when she got home crying and telling me she had just brought home a present for me.When we would talk it over, and I would get sucked up in her lies, I would move back home of course. One foot note here…….she could never produce these so called presents she said she bought. ” I did not think you were coming back, so I returned them.” Right. It is all B.S. Four years now without this LIAR and CHEAT. There IS a real life out there, but I am still gun shy. This is what she has done to me. I am content being alone for now, it is nice having my serenity back and not willing to give it up. Thanks for your encouraging words Kim!

If that relationship was love and marriage, may I never love and marry again! But of course, it was a toxic, one-sided dictatorship. Once I stopped going along with the charade, I was kicked to the curb. Being alone is better than being with a wolf in sheep clothing, a hypocrite, a pretender, a dark knight pretending to be an angel of light–you get the picture. I just want healing and recovery so I can attract a healthy human being instead of a demon narc swine.

I’ve never thought they can’t control their abuse. I’ve seen it turned on & off too often to think it’s not a choice. Very good article and video.

I am confused when it comes to narcissistic behavior. Does a narcissist knowingly know what there doing when they do the evil things they do? The narcissist has to know right from wrong,. Especially when they do certain things to hurt people. Yet I hear people say that they don’t think there doing anything wrong that what they do is normal to them. As smart as a narc is to fool so many people. Please clarify this.

This is so spot on it is unreal. I started reading everything you have on this subject starting about 2 years ago when I got horribly discarded. I always felt like what you had to say was exactly down to the details of who I was with.
Yes as someone mentioned the silent vacant stare. I also got the silent most hateful stare
The levels of hate are unreal. After 7 years of hell and EVERYTHING you mentioned on here hits the nail on the head!!!
It really took me healing and actually moving away from him to understand the core of these people is hate. After the discard and the new supply he tried hovering for a year. I was living so close to him and his new supply I tried different techniques to stay no contact.
I knew at this point what he was although I would slip and talk to him or he would come by every 3 months. With that said I did not believe him and he was not the man who I had been with. First he was not lovebombing like he did in the beginning. Second I guess I saw through him. Whatever the case what I saw during this stage was him further wanting to dump his hate on someone. I believe with the new supply he had to hide some of this. I had the wrath of hate and the cruelty went up 10 degrees during the last year of the devaluing. I did not think it could get worse but it can!!!
So once they really secure a new supply you are the dumping ground for their hate and that really was what the hoivering was for. Within 10 minutes he was belittling and devaluing etc.
if he had not had a secure source of supply he made it near impossible to leave. I tried many times. Once they start showing you who they are and you can see the hate it intensifies. The core of these people is so hard to wrap your mind around they are vile and filled with hate that is the bottom line
All the years of abuse. The mean/sweet cycle the deceit lying triangulation left me trauma bonded. It is unreal how one can’t discern the hate
My second year of healing I have overcome the trauma bond and yes completely no contact and I actually had to move away from the small town
Thanks again Kim this one describes it all so exactly!!!!

I have been married to my narc for 11 years. I am now separated with a restraining order and he has supervised visitation with our 10 year old daughter. This happened to me a lot. I even asked him why he wanted to stay with me when he said all these horrible and cruel things to me and blaming me for all our problems and he said it was because I stayed through it all. I thought it was romantic at the time, but it was actually the truth. He only stayed because I could put up with him. So I continued to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse. Then last year he confessed that he cheated with an ex girlfriend and gotten her pregnant and now had a son. He was speaking to her regularly and been sending her money through another bank account. I stayed again, but then I was angry. I didn’t want to put up with him anymore. It sprialed into violence until he beat me, threatened to kill me, and threatened to take away our daughter. And that was it. I found out later that he had been cheating on me the entire time with various women through the years. He even gave the whole “you are the only one who puts up with me” speech to several of them. This article certainly helped me understand what was happening a little better. My main question was why did he stay if he had all these other women? If he hated me so much why didn’t he just leave me and our daughter alone? Thank you.

After 31 yrs of fighting to keep myself alive.im lost confused and I’m not even sure if it’s me or if it’s him.he tells people if not for me he would be dead.everyone around me thinks he’s just wonderful.i had a counselor in my home for me that turned it all around and made me feel I was wrong after talking to him just twice.i don’t even know what to do anymore

Thank you Kim. Your emails and web postings come in at a regular interval which keeps me on the straight and narrow. I would never go back with the idiot but it’s good to be reminded not to day dream of the “good” times. Lol. I think what finally shocked me into action was watching a film where the woman in the film is raped and then strangled and she is lying there in a humiliating way. He kept saying how he liked the film because it was set in an area of London he knew. I believed him. Finally, I realised one day when I caught his expression, it was the humiliation of the woman he was getting off on. It sent a shudder down my spine. Once you out and away, you start to see what you thought was one thing, was in fact another. I can finally see that everything I thought was this, was in fact an entirely different narrative. Who would know, no normal person would have thought processes like this. However, once you know, you know. Good luck everyone, I’m two years no contact and I LOVE feeling calm watching a movie or just waking up without the insanity going on around me. To begin with of course you miss it and wonder what you are going to do without it, but like them, it fades and nothing is more important than your peace of mind I finally realised. I realise I never loved him not really, was just infatuated with someone so weird and “hard to get”. The responsibility was mine and I will never, ever make that mistake again. Lots of love to everyone

Me and my boyfriend broke up this week. After almost a two year relationship I never knew until not too long ago he is a narcissist. Well the #1 reason I left him is because I just lost my 16 year old son to suicide this past June and just the other day we got into an argument. From all the anger I can’t remember how but I’m more than sure he knew what he was doing and told me my son killed himself bc he didn’t love me or didn’t want to be around me. I couldn’t believe what i was hearing but it’s ok he’s one sorry MF and he supposedly moved out of town but I’ll guarantee you he WILL be back but I’m not. I don’t want anything to do with him. Just thinking about his sick and foul ways just brings me to pure disgust. Well now I know better.

my husband left me last year after 14yrs. of narcicistic abuse. For the last year , he has tried to come back into my life…i took him back but it was short lived, before his tendencies began to start up again….he wanted to live with me again, but would not unless i sign paperwork saying my daughter would not be permitted in the house, and if she did show up, i would have to pay for our divorce, and for a moving truck for him to get his belongings out of our house. i told him no and i have not heard from him in over 4months…….

I only realized I was in an abusive relationship 4 years ago and everything was afloat since then. Until I came across you, Kim – it made all the difference. You made me so courageous, you’ve given me strength and logic why I don’t need to stay. You are a blessing. I can’t thank you enough. ?

There is not much to say except this hits hard at home, I have been with my husband for over 20 years and I finally got a divorce… and I questioned myself saying was that the wrong choice, well yes no matter how hurt I feel, because he never will change. The women, the hurtful words, the disrespect.. etc …. Wow what a smack in the face…

I am so grateful and appreciative of the knowledge you impart. I have been in this hellish narcissistic relationship for 28 years. I identify with everyone especially the first person. I have been on my own now for 3 months and I never want to be with him again. He is truly a malignant Narcissist of the worst kind. And, yes I am angry at myself for putting up with him so long for all the various reasons. Thanks again Kim.

Just 2 days ago we had one of our HUGE arguments. I don’t get up early, he doesn’t get his coffee. Same stuff, different day. But each argument adds more hateful and cruel comments and degrading. This time he talked about tying me to the back of his van, and dragging me down the street. I can’t get those words out of my head. Along with many others over time. I k ow he hates me, and I have left 3 times. But each time he comes for me. Asking me back. And, pike a dummy, there I go.
Everything is my fault, no matter what it is. And I can’t do anything right. I was blinded for years. Were going on 11 years and I don’t see how I missed it!!!! Now I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to get out!!! I hope to get some answers from this program, otherwise, I don’t know what will happen.

I’ve been reading this and realize that most of us are/have lived each others lives. I have agonized for years, how did I get here? I was strong, independent, tough, and opinionated. Cheerful and giving…and also vulnerable for a predator like him. I didn’t understand how I allowed this stuff to happen….I feel ashamed, humiliated, degraded, disrespected, dehumanized, and depressed. My husband is a monster. I kept trying to keep the peace – walking on eggshells- making excuses – rationalizing. Finally, I get it! I have been systematically and methodically groomed for his deviant behaviours….I am his scapegoat and whipping boy. We had a fight…a bad one, and I nearly swallowed 45 – 200 mg lamictal (Literally in my mouth)…the next day he tried to brow beat me into coming to bed and giving him sex…(not even a remote chance)I’ve been coming here and with everybody speaking up and out….sharing…and caring I was able FINALLY able to understand! So last night I took his hands off of my body…I looked him the eye…said get OFF of me…and when he started to get mad…”what did I do” I said NOTHING…when I was literally ready to die just so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice ever again..he shut off his phone and ignored everyone while my sister and my therapist talked me out of the bathroom. I said you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Don’t touch me ….I’m good…for the first time in nearly 18 years…I AM good…not great but finally, finally, finally I am GOOD

This describes my mother perfectly. Unfortunately for me she is staying with me and has bone cancer. It took me 36 yrs to finally figure out what she is. And now that I have, in a way I feel relieved. As things are now, I am trying to run interference to keep her away from my children. My eyes have been opened to the manipulation and now I am constantly calling her on it, right when it happens. The deception, manipulation, re-writing the past to make herself look good is so clear now. To know that it wasn’t just me all these years being a “spoiled brat” when I would bring up how she has treated me. The gaslighting, using me when it is convenient for her and she needs something, but never wanting me around to “ruin her life” when I was a kid. I will give some advice to anyone on her that has a spouse like this…do not stay with them for the kids. My Dad did that and here I am at 36, still broken in so many ways. Your child will feel worthless, unloved, be emotionally abused, never feel good enough. And will struggle with what real love is for their whole lives.

Kim, I don’t know where to begin. For 15 YEARS I hoped and prayed things would change. I had NO IDEA that he was a narcissist abuser. I didn’t know what he was. I just thought if I loved enough for both of us he would finally see how much that was. I have been through so many HORRIBLE things with him (including attempted suicide on my part) I don’t know how I’m still alive with a positive attitude. I FINALLY got up the courage to leave and have no contact. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m still hurting pretty bad now after reading what you write about it and knowing how rotten he really is and will never change. I’ve know him for 49 years and I thought he was the love of my life. NOPE. Thank you, thank you for opening my eyes. Bless you!

This is a good one Kim
For me . long term an still caring . especially the part about excepting the painful truth. Im beginning to now .

I’m having a hard time letting my Narc go because we have an infant child together. He doesn’t love me and probably never will. I have known him for two decades, and during that time, we have always lived separate lives but would come together every so often because of our so called history and love for each other. When i was pregnant with my child, he wasn’t very supportive, but grew to accept the baby. Our child is 9 months old and he has seen him only 3 times. He makes NO effort whatsoever. when i tell him how i feel he should step up, he flies into a rage and berates me. When i tell him i’m going to file for sole custody and get him for child support for our baby, he always says I’m threatening him and flies into a bitter blind rage. I got tired of this and told him to give up his parental rights so my new partner can adopt my child. he happily said yes, he will sign, send him the paperwork and that was it. I sent the paperwork and he said he’ll sign it. This was today. he is being cold and distant and i am drawing the line with him doing this to our child that he cares nothing about. In the past he would always try to “win me back over” by being nice, because he was afraid I would take his son away but now he doesn’t care. I’m tired of the back and forth, tired of his verbal abuse, and i’m tired of him. How can i just move on and forget all about him and move on with my life? he doesn’t care about our child together so am i wrong if i just go full on no contact and block him out of my life? what do i do???

20 years of this and I am trying to stop the horrible thought cycle that I should stay and pray. He will change, he will love me as he should. It’s not helping anyone. My kids need me and I feel like I’m dying daily in this arrangement. I’m so tired and drained by it all. I just need to plan and carry out leaving this time. I dream of it and want it so badly. Thanks for the true and honest description of narcissism and the unconditional love that feeds it from the victim. I can’t continue living this way any longer.

I’m pretty sure my husband was one. But still after 27 years I stayed. Always making up excuses for him. Well, I lost him permanently, FOREVER. I feel guilty because before that I found my voice and used it. Completely forgave him for all the wrong doings. Now he’s gone and I wish he was still here. Your thoughts?

I have been in a relationship for 10 yrs and thank god he sent me to this cuz i have so many health problems now and cant work. Im stuck. No intimacy for 5 yrs. Hes an old narcissist and pro at it. I actually called him that and he didnt scream. I think he knew i finally figured it out. He has been cruel for years. But at least i moved in a different room. Ty again for all this info. Im greatful

By far, this is THE BEST article I’ve read about narcissistic abuse! After years away from mine, I now understand the cycle, but unless you’ve lived it, no one else understands or thinks it’s even possible. Thank you for writing something so comprehensive!

I so needed to feel validated! And this certainly did just that! I have been losing myself lately trying to understand. I now know I’m not crazy.

Oh my….everything written is my story. Struggling to gain some understanding, find my voice & strength and find my way. I feel like there should be a photo of me in the descriptions & stories.

This is so spot on true! I feel like someone finally understands.

It took me many years to see this; thank God I finally did! Now divorced from him, I am beginning my journey of healing. X

It sounds true but narsists are a group of people why do they have similar behaviour ? Do they have a purpose in this world? may be destroying all good in humanity and creating another world. I just don’t get why God create such horrible people.

That described my marriage of 20 years perfectly Kim! I’m so glad I found you 2 years ago just after my separation began. The truth has been painful but so necessary. I was always asking myself, and asking him “How can you love me and treat me this way at the same time?”. I hung on for so long thinking he just didn’t know HOW to express his love.
Sometimes I feel utterly stupid for staying as long as I did. It wasn’t because of the children I stayed, but rather because I thought he would have an epiphany one day realizing how good I was to him. But it was my constant forgiveness that he exploited. My divorce was finally sealed last week and I’m free from his lies, manipulation, betrayals, and emotional rape.

Spot on, Kim! I remember telling him “I know you don’t understand how much you’re hurting me, or you wouldn’t keep doing it” and he would give me the most vacant, silent stare back. No sign of comprehension or concern, whatsoever. I wish I had ended it then, rather than try so hard all those years to fix him and then out-smart him at his own game, which ends up with feeling terrible inside for stooping to his same cruel tricks. I learned so much here. I remember feeling utterly crushed, like I couldn’t survive. But I DID survive. It’s been almost four years, and I’m no longer under his spell. I thank God for leading me to this website, Kim. And thank you, Kim, for the huge impact you have on people’s lives through your efforts to educate us about toxic relationships.

I’m almost divorced from narc husband after 31 year marriage and 3 year legal battle , but he’s now hovering trying to get me to “talk” and teach settlement without my lawyer. It’s likely his girlfriend has dumped him and he’s low on supply. I’ve remained no contact and will not respond to his voice mails and texts. He often screamed at me how much he hated me, and criticized me for not being vulnerable enough. He was obsessed with “love” — his definition of loved was me supporting him in every way possible and accepting his abuse. My question: will he ever give up and just fade away from my life or will he keep appearing, regardless of how much time has passed. I’m starting to think he will never let go. When I finally healed and could look at it all from the perspective of of a person no longer enmeshed , it’s all totally surreal . Like I was a different person in a different life. I still read these blogs because of the hoovering . But I guess that probably won’t stop with divorce finalized . Anyway , thanks for your articles , it’s helpful to see know I wasn’t crazy all those years.

Very good! Grew up with a narcissistic mother and currently have a narcissistic brother in law and sister in law. The sister in law has reared her ugly head at the moment. It’s amazing how they will come after you and turn the screws behind your back. I am so done with dealing with narcissists. No more contact.

great article, as always.
m

Thanks for today’s article. It reminds us to keep our guard up and why “no contact” is so important!

I am so grateful that I found you when I was trying to understand what happened when I was unceremoniously discarded by my husband of 17 years. That discard turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me when I learned about Narcissism. Now I understand the patterns of behaviour I kept wondering and even questioning about. I learned too about myself and the impact of Narcissism in my life. I am now on the road to recovery, painful but liberating. Your articles help me to have that strength to move on.
All the best. Great job you are doing.

It’s like reading my life with him….example after example pops into my head and all the pieces come together. Thank you.