Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

The Spirituality of Narcissistic Abuse

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If anyone had told me ten years ago that narcissistic abuse had a spiritual element to it, I would have waved them off as senseless.

How could anyone in their right mind ever believe that the systematic devastation of another person’s life could possibly contain a hint of spirituality?

Narcissistic abuse is deliberately inflicted by someone you love and it targets you for who you are, the very ESSENCE of you.  It is a long-term, calculated campaign to make you feel unworthy and despise yourself, and to have you believe other people view you in the same light.

The narcissistic abuser wants you to believe that no one cares about you, and that no one should care about you, because you, as a person, are not loveable, have no redeeming qualities, and are a waste of space and time.

They take advantage of your forgiving personality and repeatedly exploit your fear of abandonment in order to make you more dependent on them and more likely to stay attached to them—despite (or rather, paradoxically, because of) the misery you find yourself in.

Narcissistic abuse, by all accounts, is soul-crushing.  That is why the trauma is so difficult to overcome.  We are left feeling so utterly helpless and hopeless in our spirit.  We feel we lack the spiritual strength to stand up for ourselves and escape our misery, so we instead keep digging ourselves into a deeper spiritual hole.

How could any of that be considered spiritual?

Had I not finally detached from that relationship and made the daily commitment to myself, I would have never discovered the answer.

After being narcissistically abused, my self-worth was stripped. And why wouldn’t it be when every insecurity, fear and inadequacy I’d ever felt about myself, others and life had erupted and blown up in my face?

After being narcissistically abused, not only did I doubt that I was lovable, desirable, capable or adequate, I even doubted my ability to survive my wounds or live as a human being on this planet, in a way that was not tormenting beyond belief.

All of that changed when I made the life-altering decision to go No Contact and heal my inner wounding, no matter what it would take.

Countless times, the pain was so devastating, I didn’t want to go on.  I prayed that I’d lay down to sleep and not wake up.

Little did I know at the time, this feeling of hopelessness and debilitating grief was part of a journey of spiritual recovery from narcissistic abuse that would eventually lead me to appreciating and being thankful for this arduous and intricate decade of my life.

 

The Journey

At first, I endured months of struggle and suffering without knowing if I was making any progress because the pull to go back remained strong.  I missed the moments under my abuser’s sway because, in my traumatized mind, cognitive dissonance and memories of so-called “good times” clouded my objectivity.

It took several months before I could recognize the smallest of victories.

The spirituality of narcissistic abuse revealed itself in waves, even ripples, but after experiencing ten key significant milestones, I began to recognize that healing was within my reach.  But, more importantly, these signs were also an indicator that I was growing and evolving on a spiritual level.

1) I began to appreciate that self-care was something I needed to participate in consistently.

Not only because I was healing from emotional abuse, but because I’d begun to understand the importance of putting on my oxygen mask before helping others.

Life can be stressful enough without the added obstacle of toxic abuse.  It only stands to reason that if you’re healing from narcissistic abuse, your body and mind require extreme self-care.  In this vein, I began reducing social engagements, staying off the internet, saying “no” to friends and family, taking a nap when I felt exhausted, and making time to do guided meditations.

I resisted the urge to make excuses as to why I couldn’t take care of myself, realizing that even the busiest person can work self-care into their schedules.

Even as a single mother, I deliberately hired a babysitter on occasion to take myself out.  I did guided meditations at night.  I journaled and did mirror work.  If a friend asked me to visit and I didn’t have the energy, I respectfully declined.  I took the initiative to be a little “selfish”, because I intuitively understood the need to do so after putting out other people’s fires for too long.

2) I did what it took to protect my mental and physical space. I no longer acquiesced to things that intruded on my privacy and peace of mind.

Most narcissists and other Cluster-B disordered individuals pull out all the stops when trying to hook a previous source of supply back into their realm of madness.  They pretend to have changed, to want to be friends (especially for the “sake of the kids”), to be just another normal person going through a typical breakup or divorce.  They may go so far as to tell you their relationship problems with their new partner.

My decision to create peace and calm in my life meant that I no longer wanted, nor tolerated, any of those things.  I wanted peace and autonomy so badly that I was willing to completely block my ex out of my life, resolving not to let him come close my new residence or give him access to call me at whim.  I refused to put myself in the line of his tomfoolery, and instead, I put up all necessary boundaries to protect my new sense of peace.

3) I no longer cared about how my Ex would react to my decisions.

I stopped worrying whether my life choices would make my Ex angry or make life “inconvenient” for him.  I began to understand that true fulfillment meant honoring my own dreams, desires, and ambitions regardless of how my ex might respond.

4)  I discovered that no amount of love, caring, or empathy will change a narcissistic individual. 

In fact, I found it was detrimental to my own well-being to believe that I could fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person when they did not see a need to change.

And so, I let go of the fantasy that there MUST be ways I could prove to my ex how much I cared and what a wonderful opportunity for true love he was throwing away.

Sadly, even my most herculean labors of love and devotion failed to spark even a miniscule amount of empathy in my ex.  Why?  Mainly because in order for him to have understood what I was offering him and what he’d be losing, he would need to possess the capacity for reciprocal empathy.    But studies have shown that people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are not hard-wired like a normal human being.    Rather, they generally have structural abnormalities in the region of the brain that has been linked to the capacity for empathy.

What that means in layman’s terms is that when it comes to narcissists, there’s just no one at home when it comes to the empathy trait.

There were times it appeared my ex had the capacity for empathy – such as when he pretended to experience remorse, made promises to go to counseling, and swore to stop lying.  But given how the disordered mind of a narcissist works, his promises were always bogus, and it was only a matter of time before he’d start engaging in unacceptable behaviors again.

So, I learned to stop trying to control people.  And this is what I was doing when I kept struggling in vain to make him be a good person and feel accountable for his relationship crimes.  I learned I couldn’t control anyone…and so I turned inward to heal my life and my relationship with myself.

I learned the art of acceptance. 

5)  I began to notice that some of my other relationships had been a big energy and time drain, and I resolved to do something about them, too

I got into the habit of honoring myself and releasing that which didn’t serve my highest good or simply didn’t feel right on an energetic level.  Consequently, I become more sensitive to other relationships in which I felt taken advantage of or that drained me.  This didn’t mean that I would dump a friend in need, but rather that I started noticing my relationship ‘climates’.  In the same way that a long-term weather pattern creates a climate in a particular region, if the climate of any of my relationships had proven – over time – that I typically feel put upon and used, then those were the ones that I considered releasing.

6)  I became more concerned about what I was doing with my life than what my Ex was doing with his.

I no longer obsessed about my Ex with his numerous girlfriends or the fact that he seemed so happy because I’d come to understand that he was destined to repeat the same cycle of abuse with anyone he was with at any given time.

Instead, I focused on my future.  I focused on exploring things that held meaning for me.  I took inventory of my beliefs surrounding my purpose in life, my spiritual beliefs, and what the rest of my life could look like.  I began to realize my life could be anything I wanted it to be.

I contemplated the importance (or non-importance) of my existing relationships and made the decision to only keep people in my circle whom I trusted; who had proven they were beyond the superficiality of image and materialism; who cared about the same things I cared about.

And so, I held a few near and shed the others to make space for new and inspiring relationships.

7)  I no longer focused on problems, but on solutions

I realized that I had the power to conquer and change my circumstances, rather than continuing to believe I was at the mercy of outside forces.

I began to accept that for every action, there needed to be an equal and opposite reaction.  If I needed to delete an email I’d had for years because the ex emailed me from different accounts, I deleted it.  If I needed to file a restraining order because he was stalking and harassing me, I drove to the courthouse and filed it.

When I saw the need to change my cell phone number and insist that he call me on me landline, I did so (only because we share a son).  When he sent me unwanted gifts and flowers, I marked them “return to sender” or refused the delivery.

I fought the good fight to protect my newfound freedom.

8) I learned that what you allow will continue

I detested how my ex treated me and my children.  I fought, sometimes literally, to make him stop being a big bully and liar.

I argued, stamped my feet, and engaged in all kinds of revenge tactics to show him I wasn’t going to put up with his abuse.

I thought by doing these things, I was taking up for myself and honoring my values.

But, near the end, I saw how pointless all these things were.  After all, no amount of lecturing, arguing, or proving to him how horrible he was mattered as long as I stayed with him.  I saw how mundane all of my righteousness campaigns were when, in the end, I always ended up taking him back and resuming the relationship as though everything was on the up and up.

I had to finally accept that not only were my disputes ridiculous in the face of his continued abuse, I had basically trained him how to treat me.  Ultimately, I taught him that he could do anything and there wouldn’t be any consequences.

Until I made the empowering choice to show him that his abuse was, in fact, not going to be tolerated anymore.  I finally stood up for myself in the only way I could and that was by leaving him.

 

9)  In due course, I stopped believing that what happened to me was a punishment, but rather a divine gift

At one point in my life with my ex, I believed I was being punished for every bad thing I’d ever done.  I thought it was a form of retribution from God because I thought He was highly disappointed in me.  I’d made so many mistakes that surely this was all happening because I deserved it.

To drive this belief, my ex would assure me those bad things were happening to me because I’d been a bad person.

And I held onto this belief for years.  Until I started doing the inner work to heal my wounding.  Over time, I recognized that the lessons I’d been presented with were not meant to punish me, but to help me overcome the false beliefs I’d held for so long and to help me purge the dysfunctional programming I’d received.

I came to understand that it happened so I could heal the wounds I’d carried since childhood.

10) I learned that transformation is the key to living your best life yet

Once I distanced myself from emotional abuse and manipulation, had developed a sound perspective about how relationships should work, and learned to establish healthy boundaries, my life became incredibly fulfilling and peaceful.

That’s not to say I haven’t experienced difficult times since leaving, because all of us experience ups and downs in life.  But, when I began to honor myself and recognize my worth, I no longer allowed negative people to dominate my life or dictate how I should live it.  I no longer tolerated unacceptable behaviors or disrespectful people and their depressing attitudes.

At first, it was hard to act in ways that were in complete contrast to how I would normally act.  I wanted acknowledgement, accountability, and justice.  That’s precisely what made healing and maintaining No Contact so hard in the beginning.  And although my life had been the result of all the decisions I’d made up to that point, I discovered I’m not helpless.  I imagined my best life coming true and then got to work on making it happen.

If you are trying to leave a toxic relationship, my testament to you is that as horrible and crippling as it feels in the beginning to go No Contact, there is an end to it.  The body and mind have enormous wisdom.  They know how to heal themselves if you create the conditions in which they can do so.  Give them that opportunity by working on yourself – healing your wounds and altering those of your traits that left you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

To answer the big question – How do you keep going?  One day at a time…ensuring that on this day, you begin taking to heart what you’ve read in this essay, and make a fresh commitment to yourself every morning.   It won’t serve you to sit around passively, waiting for a magic cure.  It’s about taking action.  There are hundreds of thousands of people just like you who have taken a stand against their abusers.  They’ve gotten a taste of the good life–and that taste of freedom is too sweet to turn back to the lives they had before.

In closing, I leave you with this poem, penned by Jessie Belle Rittenhouse.  When applied to toxic relationships, it warns you not to set your wages with the Narcissist in your life, working for “a menial’s hire”.  To caution you against giving 110%, thinking that one day, you’ll be rewarded for all the time, effort, and dedication you’ve invested in the relationship.  To avoid holding out for the day when the Narcissist morphs into a caring, compassionate individual, expressing remorse for their deeds…and promising to compensate you for all the overtime you’ve worked.

I bargained with Life for a penny,

And Life would pay no more,

However I begged at evening

When I counted my scanty store;

For Life is a just employer,

He gives you what you ask,

But once you have set the wages,

Why, you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial’s hire,

Only to learn, dismayed,

That any wage I had asked of Life,

Life would have paid.

 

~Jessie Belle Rittenhouse (1869–1948)

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57 comments
Mariana says January 29, 2020

You are a true inspiration and a precious gift in my life dear Kim. I thank God for allowing me to find you in my recovery path. You are as wise as you are kind!!! Xoxo

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Anonymous says January 29, 2020

I see Narcissism as a branch of Satanism, because they pull every strings and use every method and principles that the sorcerers, witch crafts/witch doctors of the ATR, Obeah’s of the Caribbean nations, Sango and Orisa of the Yoruba Nations, the south Carolina Magics and the Asia magical forces use to cast spell, bewitch, hypnotize and monitor people to control, inflict and cause spiritual harms, folks whether we believe it or not the Spiritual always precedes the Physical happenings so these evils in human shapes and forms knows this spiritual principles and philosophies so well, they study and practice it just the way we normal humans study and practice every normal human fields of endeavors in different faculties.

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Geraldine says January 29, 2020

It does finally happen, you start to feel like you again but a better more informed you with iron cast boundaries that allows no one to disrespect. I can still get triggered with anger by people who disrespect me on purpose as it takes me back but I have become to like people again and love it when I catch myself laughing about nothing in particular. It does happen but it was Kim’s best advice ever to go absolutely no contact and just forget about them, they aren’t worth a minute of your time, sadly.

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Anonymous says January 29, 2020

This well guided and very thoughtful article reminds me of the fact that we truly teach people how to treat us. It is good to re learn these truths because this is one of the truths that the vicious circle of being a victim of the Narc several forms of abuses exposes us to. I found out from my own experience that any time we are been hit by this evil idiots we seem to be devoid of all that we once knew, possessed and had, it’s like they empty our memory bank/strength or sort of trade it, as a consequence, the fatal cognitive distortions and impairments we experience becomes the order of the days and sometimes weeks of our lives that we will have to struggle with just to be able to gain our sanity and the level of composure we once had. Anyone who does this to other mortals like themselves are nothing but a very dangerous threat to humanity at large, I am very sure many victims of Narcissist’s are looking forward to the day and time when Govts in every nation will wake up to this reality and begin to enact laws and pass bills that will proclaim Narcissist as Zombies, corrupted and degenerated versions of humans who poses the most lethal threat to the human race, I am very.

Some time ago I looked deep into all the injurious blows and all the nefarious emotional/Psychological and Spiritual pangs I have being exposed to. you know whenever that horrible fog thing comes up, I mean that very type that make you struggle even to remember your own name and its meaning, the very type that makes you struggle to assimilate the message in every sentence you read, which brings the cloud of doubts and suffocate up your confidence, the very type that steals our light and cause us to quake when there is no earth quake and feel like staying alive the next minute is not guaranteed, Whenever I think of this inhumane experiences that forces people to give up on life and all its enormous bliss, beauty and blessings it has always been a bitter pill to swallow. May God grant us all the strength and fortitude to push on and stay on course even in our darkest days.

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Lyndsie says January 29, 2020

Kim,
Thank you for what you do. You are an angel. God Bless.

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Keith says January 11, 2020

I do believe in the spiritual side of narcissist, i truly believe you’re dealing with an diabolical in it’s truest form. So help us God.

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Sandra Hadebe says December 7, 2019

Thanks Kim. I’ve been, I’m still going through the narcissist fire to destroy me. It is truly a “satanic” spirit that possess these people.
After 32years of marriage, with each and every progress I achieved, instead of him proud; it will be like I deserve punishment yet he also benefited . Friends and family praised him, but it never made him value me.
He would disappear with our new personalised car, the whole day & evening comes back home very cool & content. I will be the lunatic, anxious and heartbroken in front of him. He refused, practically withdrew from family responsibilities, always saying he does not have money. Uses the cars leave them with light on, if I ask him to refill petrol he will say I’ll replace what I used, but will never. Our daughter (going to College) and 8years old granddaughter( a new school) were relocating to a new town 3hrs drive to and fro. He said it’s my plan and my daughter he was not involve so he is not going. I confiscated car keys and left with kids. After a week having sorted my children on my own; we came back for the weekend, he was gone took all his newer clothing, all family insurance documents as he was paying for them. Car insurance were terminated. I had to run that week to take new insurances: Life cover, property and cars insurances. I went to his work ask why he absconded from home. He was so arrogant. I took him to court that is where he told gruesome lies. I divorced him. He never came to court: divorce was granted. After 3 years he still away he learnt that hes divorced and applied for rescission. Back back to court according to his will, he insist that he wants his marriage. Yet he is not home, left stayed with another woman for all this time; now wants his marriage, he said he never planned to divorce.

It’s unfortunate that I cannot jump into a relationship and get married at this moment and time. I’m enjoying my time, life, healing, finding myself.

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BeAnne says December 3, 2019

Great article! Thank you so much. The last 3 plus years have been difficult after leaving the narcissist . Healing the wounds of that relationship and from my family of origin. I had to let go of a lot of people in my life. Even family members who didn’t respect me or treat me with kindness. I am truly grateful for the freedom from abuse that I have now. This experience has made me more aware and protective of my whole being – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

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    Keith turner says January 11, 2020

    I agree with you comments, down to letting go some of your family members,the devil will and does use even your family members, the only way to discern and fight these demons/devils is to get and stay close to God/Jesus or lord and savior.

    Reply
Grace Inga Sigurdson says December 2, 2019

All I can say is ‘Thank You’!!!

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Dave says December 1, 2019

Thanks for the article Kim. Approaching 3yrs being officially divorced with my daughter’s mother after over a decade of abuse, she had an affair and left myself and my daughter (3yrs at the time). Now, I am a proud single parent with full custody, slowly working my way through the healing process you so described in this essay. Still alot of self work to do, but I am happy to say I am also able to show gratitude for what I have been though. I feel like the universe has given me another chance. So rather than hold onto negativity, hate and anger, espcailly towards my nex. I try to focus on myself more and more. Which in turn has not only helped me as an individual, but mainly as a parent of a 7yr old girl.

Thanks again

Stay strong fellow survivor Xx

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Betty says November 15, 2019

Thank you for speaking out your story because it just sounds like why am going through.
Now I understand there is nothing wrong with me, and that there is hope for healing and finding beauty in life again🙏🏻

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    Kim Saeed says November 17, 2019

    Life can absolutely be beautiful after no contact, Betty. I hope you find hope and healing.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Ruth says November 12, 2019

Well written…
Was married to one for over 13 years. I felt I was going in circles and could not get out of the relationship. I prayed that he would just leave. He asked for the divorce so for me that was my ticket out. It was not easy being a divorced mom with 3 girls but did managed and on top of that trying to heal from a narcissist relationship. I did my homework and looked for help to heal. Now I am stronger and a better person because he did show me how to defend myself.
How to start putting boundaries for myself and my family. I did take my time and I do not regret it because after 10 years of being divorced I am happier than ever without a man because I learned to love myself first.
Ruth

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Angeil says January 14, 2019

Hi Dear!, I would not comment on what you have gone through and what solution you have arrived to. But, let me comment from a different angle, from spiritual dimension, take this as an opportunity God has placed you in, to practice detachment and walk the ladder up for spiritual liberation. After freeing yourself up from all the connection, comes here you golden time to connect to God, it is HIS way of connecting to you. Thank your narcissist and happily climb the success ladder of liberation. Good Luck !!

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Small Steps says November 19, 2018

Kim, How can I go no contact when we have kids?

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Margaret says November 19, 2018

This undoubtedly is the best essay you have ever penned. As it describes my situation to a “T”. I now see that I am on the path of healing myself after realizing that everything has been stripped away from me & the only thing I have left is the uplifting right hand of God.

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susan says November 19, 2018

Thank you for these emails we have a generational problem with narcissist abuse.I’m the only one moving toward healing in this. I’m the mother/grandmother of 2 daughter and granddaughter I hope by example they will follow i am 66 years old.

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Christine says November 19, 2018

Kim,
I just recently separated from my husband of 12 years after a decade of severe narcissistic abuse. A month after my marriage ended my mother passed away. I was both devastated and physically ill. I can not thank you enough for being there for me. Your words, encouragement and support have truly given me the strength I needed to survive. The deep and overwhelming pain of the abuse and loss of my mom made me feel alone and isolated. I was blessed to come in contact with one of your videos on you tube and I have joined your website and recovery program. You have truly saved my life. I am inspired by your words everyday and can never be able to thank you enough for being there.

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Maisie says November 18, 2018

No contact is the only way…Thank you for reaching out to me time and time again…Iam now asking myself if my Mother was a narc…Where iam now, finally i have taken my life back..Being all of who iam, doing lots of haa healing momments,discovering me again in all the growth love and light….Self love Self care.Retired and going on my travels starting in April with one of my soul sisters…blessed to have 4 others..Finally closed off just recently i was ready and prepared has I educated my self with your help ..As well have been doing for self..Letting go for over 5 years.Together for 10 All does happen when one is ready…to have an overview i call it watching the moive in slow motion again.Now iam making my new movie all about me and my blessings Feeling so proud to be heading into 2019 Free living my best life Travel plans 2 years exploring this world…I still enjoy reading and sharing with others all that ihave learnned from you…Thanks for giving, love and support iam Awaken I would love to send you a gift in the mail..I live in Montreal Canda let me know how i can …So much gratitude for your being helping thousands of women to set them Free Stay blessed love light Maisie xxoo

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Anonymous says November 18, 2018

I was married for 8yrs,I also questioned myself. After years of lies and betrayal and broken promises that he would change, I began to stand up to him,I proved his lies,I had him figured out,so in September of 2017 there was no more arguing from me,I just wanted him to get out. He left for 2 weeks thru thanksgiving,he showed back up with more promises to change,then took off for 3 weeks for christmas and new years,then came back and left again for month of January. Then I get out of work on valentines day and he’s in my home waiting with presents. He stayed thru to my birthday and left again feb 24th. 2 weeks later he was living with someone else. I had not been intimate with him for 6 months because something wasn’t right. And when I found out he had moved in with another women immediately after leaving me,I then knew that feeling was my gut knowing something was wrong. He had been leaving me to create a new relationship with her. I found out its called grooming new supply. I cried myself to sleep for 3 months, even broke down at work and had to go into bathroom to pull myself together. My heart ached severely for 6 months. I had anxiety attacks. Im sorry to say this but he didn’t just meet someone else,she’s been there. I finally started to feel better when I realized I had to embrace the pain and learn from it instead of wondering how long should I feel this pain. Reading the stories our sisters share on here are so helpful. I wish you much speed in reclaiming your life. Please look forward to see what great things are coming your way,you wont see them looking back.

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Shirley Akpelu says November 18, 2018

I am in a better place in 2018 than I was in 2017. I too suffered four deaths in my family. Two brothers, sister in law and my 30 year abusive marriage. I am totally into self care and healing. I have accepted that our marriage is over. Someone who gives me the silent treatment should not have access to my social security, burial benefits or 401K. The grieving process has begun. I still have anger triggers. I am focusing on self care and moving on and examining all my relationships. I want everything restored that was stolen from me or that I allowed to be stolen from me.

Going no contact was the best thing I could ever do.

I look forward to some therapy and not focusing on the evil narc but instead focusing on my
recovery. Thank you Kim for all your hard work to help us all and thereby helping yourself. I am sorry for your losses this year, but you know you will survive albeit very difficult.

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    Gen says November 19, 2018

    Took 3 steps forward. Back two. So stepping again. Hate it but glad to know that I’m not the only long term marriage dealing with this. I have no 401 k tho because I followed a military career at expense of my own.

    Reply
gretchen roberson says October 4, 2018

Thanks so much! I can do this!

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karen says August 25, 2018

Hi: I was married to a narsisist for 34 years! Yes 34 years of complete hell! I left one day it was leave or suicide. Yes, that was how far he had pushed me. To the end of my life. I knew nothing about this disorder or why the hell he was never happy with me. I spent years making him look good to others while my hate for him grew. I saw ugly inside and out. I had no friends wasn’t allowed, no family wasnt allowed I had no one. My children ran from home. As, I sat making his life look perfect. He would tell me I needed help professional help I was nuts! I was a waste of human flesh! I was depressing to be around! I couldn’t think for myself or speak for myself. No one cared for me as my family never bothered with me. They also turned away when I needed them the most. I literally had no one… My daughter was seven month pregnant when I left with our first grand child. I lost my daughter and grand daughter to him. I do not see them, I am dead in her eyes. She feels sorry for her father and I was heart broken. What a price to pay for freedom of an abusive controling manipulating narcissist. It has been now nine months. I went no contact with him. I use to feel sorry for myself and beat myself up for not leaving sooner. Now I do not cry for my daughter or granddaughter I go on
I am done crying about people that have made their own choices. My daughter can have him. I let it go we all have our own paths to walk. If, I am not in there world okay. I am a lovable person I am never going to work that hard to be loved again. Love has to be easy flowing without conditions or restrictions I see that now. I have respect for everyone of u that has walked down the path of a narsisist it is hell and then some. We are stronger and do count first we have to count to ourselves and that I feel is the beginning of healing. Finding you do matter not him or her that maked u beg for love. You are worth while make you count!

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Jude Ann Putnam says August 18, 2018

Thanks so much for all your help and the work you are doing to changed lives. I have had no contact since January 2018 when my husband abused me and in order to get away from him I grabbed his testicles resulting in a 1.5 cm rare. I was unable to get him off me or fight back because I have a four fusion failed spine surgery. I called 911. He and his son who is friends with the Colonel RCMP officer in charge of the case, said that I burst into his room and attacked him. Completely untrue. The story was blown into so many things, I don’t know where to start. I have done nothing wrong but he and his family continuously go to the police telling them more lies. I have no life left. They put on the street with the clothes on my back. They destroyed my car and I have been arrested 5 times. They poisoned my blood and I was hospitalized for four days as they flushed my body. I almost died. The police did nothing. They were caught lying in court again and again. The judge did nothing. The daughter stole my identity and shut down all my utilities for months. I didn’t have a drop of oil so I had to heat my entire house with a wood stove in the basement. With my disability, it was very painful and often difficult. They have never once provided evidence of anything and their lies are enough for the court. I have plenty of evidence to prove they are lying and the RCMP officer lied in the stand for them. He said he didn’t other getting my evidence because I was basically an idiot and it was a waste of his time. I was found guilty of assaulting my abusive husband and they tried to lock me up until my Oct 2nd sentencing. The judge refused but put on the street. The next day I received another order to appear because now my husband’s daughter has told them I am plotting to kill my husband. They were going through my scribblers, which are kind of like my diaries. For my eyes only. There is poetry. Business plans, grocery lists and nonsense. This particular time I was taking notes while listening to a podcast on how to win against a narcissist in court. I wrote the I was going to build him up, meaning his ego while on the stand, and then I wrote I was going to kill him. It meant burst his ego, not physically kill him! I was being saucy to!yself in a private notebook. Now they are charging me with plotting to kill my husband. Their lawyer has made up so many stories and lies, unbelievable. I can’t trust anyone. I have the evidence to prove I have never lied. Last night I found evidence the daughter has hacked my Facebook. Messenger and Gmail accounts. Where do I go? No one will stand up to this gang of terrorists. And that’s what they are! In plain sight, with so many contradictions and obvious lies. I don’t know what to do. They are going to put me in jail with complete lies. Please help!

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    Betty says November 15, 2019

    I am kind of in a similar situations. A narcissist who has been abusing me physically, psychologically and emotionally always has a way of manipulating everyone, including the police, and painting himself as this great man, who is simply not wanted by his younger girlfriend(am half his age), and that he has done nothing wrong.
    It feels so helpless and frustrating when you are a victim, but turned into the culprit, thanks to the calculative, manipulative ways an your narcissistic abusive partner.
    I am currently soooo depressed, that I keep getting I guess what is called anxiety attacks.
    I hope you find peace someday. Just like I hope I do too

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Anonymous says July 4, 2018

Hi Kim, I’ve been following your post for about 1 year now. I’ve gone completely NO CONTACT and I’m happy that I chose that route. My only set back is that I lost everything in this 1 1/2 years relationship, my retirement monies, apartment, clothd, and furniture. Once I realized I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I had no desire to be with him. I’m experiencing some depression, anxiety, grief, and having a difficult time sleeping. I just want my life back. Right now, I’m living with a friend, but my time is soon up. I don’t have anywhere to go, and financially, unable to afford a place of my own. I’m 66 yrs of age, and staring all over is vey devastating. I’ve had thoughts of suicide and had been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. I really don’t desire to take pills, and don’t know if I should or not.

So do you think I can survive this abuse without pills? Love to hear from you soon.

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Kirsty stanbrook says June 1, 2018

Thank you for every carefully crafted word in this essay and the many others that you have deliberated intuitively. It has swelled my heart and spirit with the motivation to keep going, to keep moving forward, not only in this hour but in the next, and the following days, weeks and months. At fifty seven, I am a late blossomer of self healing after narcissistic abuse. It’s been ten months of ongoing painful transformation since the breakup. He skits off into the sunset with his new love, chatelled with her devotion, resources and contacts, without a blink of an eye to our previous existence for the past four years. Sacrifice? I sacrificed his entitled, third world mindset. He creamed it good, and left me no crumbs. But I’ve learnt that I will never understand his kind of values, his kind of way of doing things. That isn’t me. And I’m learning about me, like what I want, and I’ve never had the chance to ask myself that. What do I want in life. What does it look like? Who’s in it? What’s my passion? purpose? What are my boundaries? I didn’t know I had an authentic self. I was always someone’s wallpaper, the convenient package in every relationship. I molded myself to find love. Now I’m molding me. Shedding old, outworn skin, to find a new me. Thank you Kim for your work. It’s life changing.

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Joanna says May 4, 2018

I’ve finally left a man that relentlessly tortured me psychologically and set out to destroy everything I held dear, every bit of the love, energy and beauty in my life. He tried to isolate me completely, engineered it for me to put on 20 kg in 3 years, stole all my money and left me with old, dirty and damaged clothes (I told him about my childhood trauma of being bullied for being fat and wearing ugly clothes). He broke his phone and took mine, “lost” his keys and left me in an apartment that somehow was never clean (even if I cleaned everything up, which always took a few hours, the next day it was as if I never did clean up), he drank excessively, was very aggressive and blamed everything on his drinking, apologizing to me but somehow never managed to clean up empty bottles (actually it seemed like he collected them, knowing I was developing PTSD from seeing or smelling alcohol), he smoke pot all the time and once when I tried to argue with him about that he said that it is the only thing that calms him down, without it he will go outside to kill the first person he sees. He had a morbid fascination with killing and famous murderers, he thought it was funny that he used to kill cats on the streets with stones. He was gradually getting more and more aggressive towards me and started with death threats. He pressured me into getting married to make the situation better (it gave him a better visa status as a family member of a EU citizen). I stayed with him for 3 hellish years. I was able to forgive and forget everything and my mind was in a constant fog, I couldn’t think clearly about anything anymore, I screamed that I don’t feel like a human being anymore, that I want to die, he laughed and said do it. How is it that you can survive all that and forgive as soon as your torturer gives you just a little attention and care? Although I noticed how his behaviour changed drastically over time and that after marriage it got thousand times worse, I still believed that he is the perfect man I met and he’s just sick and depressed. Finally as he assaulted me brutally and took my phone as I tried to call an ambulance and started listening to music I finally saw through the mask completely. It was like staring at the heart of darkness. It was an unimaginable horror, it was like seeing a demon instead of a man. Next day I wrote my friend (psychologist) and she gave me her diagnosis at once: narcissistic personality disorder of the worst kind, with very strong psychopathic and sadistic tendencies. I took my phone as he slept and I went to the police, who sent a patrol car to let me pack my things and took me to a safe house (But they didn’t have any place in a house for women so they put me in a refugee camp at first).
I was traumatised, shaking, crying uncontrollably, a total mess. But then I started reading about narcissistic abuse and I finally understood. I’m not stupid nor worthless, I survived hell and I’m still standing, I still love, I kept my values. I let him abuse me and go almost completely numb, but I kept my soul and humanity untouched inside a secure space in my mind. I opened up to my family and friends, police and social workers and I was met with such warmth and compassion that I felt my soul healing. I went once again to the apartment with the police, my landlord came too. I was ashamed and mortified by the state of the apartment but once again nobody was holding it against me, my landlord agreed to end the contract with me at once without any financial compensation for damages and hugged me. Two female police officers told me that I’m free and I can be happy again. I took two teddy bears I used to hug as I was in a fetal position, but then I decided I don’t need them anymore, I gave them to two sweet little refugee kids who were with me in the same room and didn’t have a single toy before and I felt indescribable joy and happiness when I saw them hugging those teddy bears for hours before I left to the actual safe house (they found me a place).
Now I feel free, happy, incredibly energised and wanting to make up for the time I’ve lost. I got a lawyer and I will get an annulment and I will make sure he will never hurt anyone again, I will testify to everything and help the police create a full psychological profile of this monster. I got over this illusion of love quickly when I realised the man I loved never existed. I even found myself getting closer to a man who cared for me for a long time and accepting and giving back hugs and other signs of affection.

The most incredible thing is that all of it took me only a week. I filled myself with love and will to live once again, I opened up to others and I got over his brainwashing completely. I know who I am.
I don’t know what comes next but I know I can take it.

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Suzanne says April 14, 2018

My daughter just split from a narcissistic man a month ago. Her twin boys are turning into him. They sound just like him when they talk to her. They just turned 16 last month and have basically moved to be with him. They only come home to sleep or take a bath. One is already on probation and neither of them go to school. He is not the boys dad. I don’t know what to do to help her. She feels she’s loosing her sons. Thank goodness her daughter is still here.

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Destroyed says March 22, 2018

I personally don’t think a full recovery is possible in my case. Its been few months and im still in pieces blaming even myself now wondering I’m a narcisists.
After being so close to each other for 3 years he just found someone else in two weeks after an argument and disappeared ..just like that…
The pain is unbearable…life has no colours anymore. No strenght or motivation to do anything..just existence.

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    Kim Saeed says March 24, 2018

    Hi “Destroyed”,

    If it’s been a few months, you are still in the beginning of your journey. It takes quite a bit of self-work to heal.

    Recovery is possible, but it depends on how you navigate it.

    Wishing you the best.

    Kim XoXo

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    cococo says November 16, 2018

    A full recovery is possible, trust me, it just takes some time. I was with a narcissist for 3 years too, I was so afraid to leave him, I loved him. It killed me to end the relationship but I had to do it, for myself. The first 6 months were the worst, with my mind making excuses for him and remembering only the “good times” we had. You have to keep away, reflecting on the relationship and seeing him for who he really is, actually helps you to move on. It’s painful but you must face and accept the fact that he never reciprocated the love you felt.

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John Hope says March 2, 2018

Kim, I follow you and have taken great strength from your posting. Just a reminder to all, men too are victims of malignant narcissistic abuse. Only through your mentoring was I able to go no contact and finally remove myself from an abusive marriage. As a career military officer, you are taught to never give up, never give in, keep trying, etc. But it just doesn’t, and can’t work, with a narcissist. Thank you for showing me the way and guiding my rehabilitation. You are wonderful.

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    Kim Saeed says March 3, 2018

    Hi John,

    Thank you for your kind praise…I wrote this particular article from my personal perspective, but I’ve taken a more gender-neutral approach in most of my current work.

    I am so glad to learn you have found freedom and are on your healing journey. You are right, it can never work with a narcissist, despite people who say otherwise. You made the right choice.

    Kim XoXo

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    Gen says November 19, 2018

    I understand military mentality. I was in. And married for his entire career. And gave up my own to follow. Discarded in retirement. Still struggling as I’ve tried one last time but detaching more So this time. You are right. We are taught to stay strong and take whatever comes our way.

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Cathy says March 1, 2018

That is truly a fact! Faith Hope and Love to you and all us survivors ✝️❤️

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Shirley Akpelu says February 27, 2018

I thoroughly enjoyed the above article about all the lessons learned about narc abuse and spiritually you became a better, stronger, wiser person. HalleluYah! You are correct when you say, you cannot change the narc, they are wounded, tormented, toxic people who need to be out of your life before they kill your spirit. Yes, it hurts to know I was set up to be a target and victim because of my fear of abandonment, insecurity and neglect as a child. But I have to change this and not allow this curse to go to another generation. This spirit of abuse stops with me. I will not abuse my son nor allow any abuse from him or anyone else. I will give him this knowledge about narcissism and pray he remains empathetic but not a sucker for a loser, user, abuser narc no matter the gender. We have suffered from sabotage as well, but we keep winning. We do get knocked down, but will never be kept down. We keep getting up again. HalleluYah! Thank you Kim for what you are doing to help others! I will always remember you and tell others what you did for me. Shalom.

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    Kim Saeed says February 28, 2018

    Thank you so much, Shirley. Your comment truly touched me this morning. They may try to knock us down with their games, but when we know what we’re up against and have lost the feelings of guilt and shame, it eventually gets better and they leave us alone.

    I am so proud of you 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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Shakira says February 27, 2018

Brilliant article an I loved the poem. Thank you for inspiring and strengthening me.

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    Kim Saeed says February 28, 2018

    So glad to know you enjoyed the article and poem, Shakira. Thank you for stopping by 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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mary says February 27, 2018

I know that it has a spiritual side to it. The Bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers and rulers of wickedness in high places. You are of the light and these abusers are dark souls. The darkness wants to out the light out, by the Lord isn’t having it. God bless all who have been through this and continued healing. The truth will set us all free!!!!!

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Paula says February 27, 2018

I have been reading Kim’s posts for three years now, since splitting from a man who had been my husband for 27 years. A man, who I no longer recognised in personality and character. I could no longer relate to this person, who I had loved unconditionally. I saw a therapist who explained to me that he was a narcissist. I had no knowledge or understanding as to the definition of ‘narcissism’ other than someone who really likes themselves or is vain. When it was explained further, I read so many articles on different websites. The pieces of the jigsaw began to fit! I was fortunate enough to stumble across Kim’s website and read so many blogs that have helped me through the darkest days of my life. Today, I am at a point in my life where I am beginning to see the light! Fortunately, I learnt how to deal with him very early on. His mind games were unbelievable but I read between the lines and didn’t play ball which was to my advantage. This latest article by Kim has resonated with me totally. It is exactly how I feel now. I was told by my therapist that I have a strong moral code, that I am wise, intelligent and spiritual – exactly the same strengths and qualities that Kim recognises in herself! I felt that my whole world had fallen apart. I questioned why he would treat me the way he did. I, or anyone else who is kind and compassionate, caring, loving, does not deserve this treatment, so why mourn over garbage?! Thank you Kim for your valued guidance and advice. It makes so much sense. How and why does this happen to good people? What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. We will go on to have a more fulfilled and happy lives on our own. Don’t put the key to happiness in someone else’s pocket – go out there and live your own life because you can, be free!!
.

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Susan says February 27, 2018

I want to thank you for all of you words of wisdom. As I read through this essay I cried.. it was as if I was writing it. All of it nailed my life to a tee with my 7 year relationship with my ex. I went no contact about 11 months ago, moved away and now in the process of building a new life. As you said it has its ups and downs but I am dead set on living a better life. I hope to find a partner who truly appreciates me for all that I am. I still struggle with feeling that I am worthy but I deal with it one day at a time. I have since heard that my ex went back to his ex-wife. they had been divorced for 15 years. So I have one lingering questions. Will he be able to make that relationship work? I always told him he needed to go back to her because I felt he still loved her.. Not sure why I need the answer to that question,, maybe just a way of finally closing that chapter of my life.
Again, thanks for all of the help and support you have given me through this past year.. Keep up the good work, many of us still need you!!!
Susan

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    Kim Saeed says March 11, 2018

    Hi Susan,

    Thank you so much for your kind praise. It makes me very happy to know my work has helped you along your journey. I do wish you all the best as you move forward into your healed life.

    Kim XoXo

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Dianne says February 27, 2018

I loved this post and am healing a little each day. Thank you so much. I FEEL your genuine concern . Dianne Hardy

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    Kim Saeed says March 3, 2018

    Thank you for sharing and for your kind praise, Dianne. I truly am concerned because I want you to know that healing and a better life is possible.

    Hugs,

    Kim XoXo

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Marilyn Gardner says February 27, 2018

Hello Kim, it’s been 7 months since I walked away. I just wanted to tell you that you have helped me so much. Everything you say is true. I thought I would surly not make it the beginning, God put people like you in my path. It is a day to day. I’m doing really good now and with Gods cont help I am going to make it. Thank you for all you do.

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    Kim Saeed says March 5, 2018

    Hi Marilyn,

    Thank you so much for your kind praise. I am very happy to learn that my work has helped you through some tough times…and I hope it continues to do so. Wishing you all the best as you continue your healing journey.

    Km XoXo

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karen vanderwerken says February 27, 2018

when my husband die.my healing started.i have no contact with my children.it is a new road for me.to move ahead you need to stay away from narc.do not include them in your inner circle.i had ptsd for awhile.now i am working on self care i am 75 years old.spending my time in peace and quite.karen

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    Kim Saeed says March 19, 2018

    I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, Karen. Please know it’s never too late to be happy. I’m glad to know you’re spending time on your self-care and peace. Wishing you all the best…

    Kim XoXo

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Sally Karpe says February 27, 2018

Hi Kim your article sooooo resonated with me! Like you, I have finally arrived in a place where I see my experience as a Divine gift. I couldn’t back then! Not only have I been able to heal from the abuse of a narcissistic relationship with the man who, at the time, destroyed my life, but I have also found the experience has helped me to overcome childhood trauma which I never understood until now. The dynamics were the same in both relationships!! Self-care is of paramount importance to me now, whereas in the past, it was something I always felt I didn’t deserve because it was being selfish. I am so pleased that you are finally able to embrace life and to realise that there is no such thing as evil in the Divine Plan. Best wishes and thanku for sharing your story.

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    Paula says February 27, 2018

    Sally, I feel exactly the same! I have read so many articles over the past three years and now I feel ready to respond, funnily enough at the positive stage. I can see light at the end of the tunnel now! All the best to you!

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      Sally Karpe says February 28, 2018

      Hi Paula it’s good to know you are also healing from past trauma. I would never have believed so much good could come from such a nightmare. Best wishes for the future 😊

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Jean Byars says February 27, 2018

Thank you for your reading…This journey for me has and is so hard…i have been stripped of everything..I havent seen my older daughter in 5 years, Her first born either….My second daughter was disgaureded by her father & Sister…My heart is so heart broken…I divorced my XN 5 years ago and have had no contact with him..He damaged me terrible. I just wished the pain would go away.

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    Paula says February 27, 2018

    Jean try to focus on what you have got and not on what you haven’t. Hopefully, your eldest daughter, in time, will see him for what he is and realise that you are the trusted person in her life. It might take time, so stay strong and be patient. Concentrate on yourself and those that are there for you. It’s because you care so much that the pain is excruciating. I have come to believe that everything has a way of working itself out in the end. I dislike the fact that people are taken in by my ex-husband and his manipulation, but firmly believe that these spiteful, cruel, duplicitous people can’t live behind the facade forever. The truth outs itself in the end. Take care xxx

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