It’s unsettling, it’s eerie, it’s downright inexplicable. You finally go No Contact — and then experience soul-wrenching episodes similar to these:
You drive by the restaurant that you and the narcissist used to frequent together and suddenly, they call you.
You’re flipping through the channels one night and come across the romantic comedy the two of you watched at that quaint retro movie theater when you first started dating. Your phone jingles. You look at it and realize, with surprise, that your narcissistic ex has sent you an email.
You’re doing laundry one lazy Saturday morning and find an old t-shirt they left behind. You pick it up, gently pressing it to your face to see if it still carries their scent. You suddenly feel their presence so strongly, you could almost swear they’re in your house somewhere.
It’s moments like these that may convince you that the narcissist is destined to be your life-long companion. You begin to believe that the troubles in the relationship must have been the result of an inevitable, tempestuous bond between tortured soulmates.
You feel cosmically connected to them and mourn the phantom limb absence of your lost partner. You suffer pain and damage by punishing yourself for your mistakes and some of the reckless things you did while in the relationship.
If they are trying to connect with you during your moments of sorrow and distress, then surely the two of you share a bond. You feel a sudden, consuming need to call them. You can’t just deny this psychic link the two of you share. To do so would be to interfere with destiny.
You pick up your phone and dial their number…thereby opening yourself up for months or years of continued emotional abuse and defilement of your soul.
Why does it seem the narcissist knows exactly when to reach out? How do they sense when you’re at your lowest point? While you may indeed share a bond, you shouldn’t interpret it as a divine sign that you belong together. There are generally two explanations for the above-mentioned scenarios, neither of which have to do with you and the narcissist being star-crossed lovers.
1. You’re being monitored and need to reset your phone and computer to protect yourself from spyware that may have been planted on your devices. You’ll also want to have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking device.
It happens. Not only was I personally monitored this way, but many of my clients have also been, as well. When it comes to narcissists, truth is definitely stranger than fiction.
2. You’re being hoovered psychically. This may seem like a bizarre concept to some, but it’s really nothing more than the pull of energetic ties (or cords) that you’ve created with the narcissist. These energetic bonds are deeper when emotional trauma has been a core element of the relationship.
One of the most important things we can do for our soul’s health and growth is cutting cords that still bind us to toxic relationships. Many people don’t realize that when you have a relationship with someone, you become connected energetically — especially when there is a strong emotional event such as emotional manipulation and soul abuse. Additionally, when we are intimate with someone, we strengthen these energetic ties and in the process, make subliminal contracts with the other person.
You may strongly feel and believe that those ties and vows are still binding today…as would any empathic individual with strong moral codes. But, whereas you want to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, they simply want to siphon your compassionate energy from you like fuel for an engine. Although they may be simultaneously thinking of you as you’re thinking of them, it’s usually during your moments of emotional vulnerability, because this is the energetic state you were in when they manipulated you during the relationship.
Even after a relationship ends, the energetic ties remain, despite the amount of time that elapses. And even though you may be apart from them now, you’re still deeply bonded to them energetically. This can drain your energy, as well as cause symptoms of depression and hopelessness. This partly explains why many people continue to obsess about the narcissist and feel the pain of past traumas as freshly as when they first occurred.
Why you need to free yourself
The process of cutting ties on all levels of your energy and awareness is a crucial step in removing any energetic cords that you share with the narcissist. This is the only way your soul can move on towards healing. Not cutting cords often results in getting stuck in a low-frequency cycle where the same disappointing events keep happening repeatedly. Unresolved energy ties will attract you to people, places, and events that resonate with the frequency of the emotional trauma you experienced with the narcissist. So, when you do enter into another relationship, you will have a tendency to project onto your new relationship all of the emotional pain you’ve stored from the one with the narcissist.
While this concept may seem overwhelming there are ways to protect yourself from psychic hoovering so you can close the chapter and move on towards healing and happier relationships – with yourself and others.
Ways to protect yourself
- If you haven’t blocked and deleted the narcissist from your phone, now’s the time to do it. Anything else only leaves you vulnerable to their hoovering, psychic and otherwise. If you share children with the narcissist, change your cell phone number and have them contact you by landline or email. Use a supervised email system if necessary.
- Perform a cord-cutting ceremony at least once a week until the energetic ties are gone.
- Sage your home to cleanse it of negative energies and memories.
- Consider purchasing crystals that are specific to psychic protection, such as Black Tourmaline, Amethyst, Hematite, and Tiger Eye.
- Try dabbing some lavender or sandalwood essential oil on the back of your neck for cleansing and protection (if you have sensitive skin, make sure to blend with a carrier oil first).
If you are afraid of the finality of cutting energetic ties with the narcissist – it doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t love the person anymore or no longer care about them. The process is meant to cut the dysfunctional, traumatic cords that you share with the other person. Although you should still maintain No Contact for obvious reasons, you can still care for the narcissist, but do so from a distance. Once you begin to heal, you’ll find these feelings of affection and admiration will fade as you start to see the narcissist for who (and what) they really are.
Once you begin healing the core wounds that bind you to the narcissist, you will find that your attachment to them will get weaker over time. You will eventually become empowered enough to release them completely.
How To Get Started On The Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
Do you ever feel like you’re about to snap?
Are you guilty of sucking it up and saying, “I just need to work harder?”
This place is familiar to me. I get it. You don’t want to start a process that could take a long time. You’re also not sure if you can trust yourself to not give into hoovering attempts by the toxic person in your life.
I also understand that you’re probably ready to try anything.
A fresh perspective. A different pathway. A new YOU.
Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift.
I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted a favorite by professionals in the psychological community. Therapists refer their own clients to this program.
As you work through the program, you will experience freedom of expression, radical self-care, and self-confidence.
The relationship between you and your inner cheerleader will become as close as a best friend.
Your true self will be revealed to you in a way you never imagined. There’s a good chance you’ll start loving the person in the mirror, keeping promises to yourself, and celebrating your choices over time.
Your new sense of self-assurance will make you feel empowered.
Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life. The Break Free Program will give you the exact strategies to help you discover the key to transformational healing. Our beautiful community includes people in varying stages of their healing, and several who are celebrating their anniversaries of no contact!
See what students and mental health professionals have to say.