An Open Letter to Friends and Family of Narcissistic Abuse Victims

Hi Alex, this sounds like my own story…. only 20year and two sons later…. I moved out a month ago!! Still struggling with the no contact situation, but will get there eventually!! Moving out was a big big move for me!! One day at a time with one step at a time!!

If he was a terrible or non-active father, it would have been easier to leave him. He is a great father to his sons. We share custody at the moment, this makes it impossible for me to go with no contact. He on the other hand is taking full advantage of this to try and manipulate me every time he sees me. I find him to be emotionally draining, even after moving out, he still checks my phone whenever he sees me and feels like it. I changed my pin on my phone and he had a massive tantrum about it…. Al more warning signs to get out of our marriage. I love him still and hope that he will be able to shake some of his narcissistic habits so that he one day will find true love and also find happiness…. He does have good qualities, he is a good person, he is just not good for me and I am no good to him… It is better to recognize this and move on than being in denial, living a lie and destroying your lives and the lives of your loved ones affected by our relationship.

I’m sending this to my family so maybe they will not be so disappointed with me. My little sister seems to think that making fun of me for not being able to reach out to them when my husband isolated me for years is funny. It really hurts me that she does that but I guess I can’t blame her for feeling that way

This article made me feel less alone tonight and I really needed that. It’s been hard to make any real connections since my cold discard. Trauma Bonding is real and intentional, they want you to hurt and miss them even if they used you for years and lied every step of the way to make you their scape goat

This article made me feel less alone tonight and I really needed that. It’s been hard to make any real connections since my cold discard. Trauma Bonding is real and intentional, they want you to hurt and miss them even if they used you for years and lied every step of the way to make you their scape goat

Thanks for the info

It’s beyond difficult to explain, to find the words to describe the paralyzing pain that a narcissist causes.

Thx for the info

I understand everything you say it still is exactly what I went through spot on

Thank you for the information

Thanks for the enlightening information & advice.

Please comment more on everything is my fault and then threatened. How to make him leave me alone and we’re divorced but I fear for my life. If someone comes to my house he runs them away by driving by and seeing their car. I want out so bad again I’m divorced but still under prison bondage. I thought maybe it’s his culture from India. But he’s a real Narcissist.

I realize at times this seems like it could only be a man that can do these things but I assure you there are male empaths being crushed by female narcissists daily. And quite honestly your stories parallel ours; we just wanted to love this person they portrayed but were side swiped when that person completely changed, then changed back, then just no heart was even visible. Just cold darkness.

Hard to trust after 40 yrs of marriage & looked upon as “why I stayed so long & why now did I decide to leave, (tired of not trusting). How do I not see others the same, when dating & asking questions, besides saying what I went thru & (it’s hard to trust anything they say)? I’ve been told immediately not to compare them to my ex, when I don’t feel its what I’m doing, but rather just saying how I was treated; othertimes I’m told “I must have gone thru something really hard, but they have enough love & will lavish me by taking care of me, loving me & providing whatever I need, then it all goes downhill ! Why? [ I dont continue saying more about what I went thru, yet within myself I do see if they’re holding up to what they promised]. Its just so messed up!

Thank you Kim the last one is what we did again because the narcissist told us it was what he was doing too, staying for the horrible horror movie just because you got tickets. I married you so I have to be faithful and not leave you. He wasn’t faithful to me but to porn and other things. I was fooled. He had everything thing and I almost lost everything. But the devil is a fool he talks too much he said something about my innocent 12 year old daughter and my eyes opened I wouldn’t allow him to treat my children the way he did me. Wake up sisters. The movie is horrible. Get up don’t look back. Heal and live happy.

Good you made it out. These people are really disordered. No contact is for life. Run run run

I always wondered if there is any known scans of narc brains. I always told my husband that he had to sign an agreement to have his brain donated to science. After all the horror the least i could have was an explaination. And yes Kim!!!Thank God for your work on here that explained everything & made me realize that no matter how scared I was to finally make the move to end our living under the same roof & going no contact, staying was way more terrifying. I am very curious to know what their brain looks like compared to a person who has compassion & empathy. They don’t get arrested & serve time for literally holding us hostage, they should at least have to donate their brains to science. I say all the time that i was held against my will and robbed of everything I had and was & aspired to be. I have a maser’s degree & after all the abuse, I cannot even get alternate side of the street parking straight. And sometimes giving the right amount of money paying for groceries. I am scared that I will not be able to get and keep a job. Thank God I have my faith, stronger than ever which he tried desperately to keep me & did for a while.

No 3 – perfect description.

thank you Kim, only one person my paternal uncle believed me because one narc in his village had murdered his wife on the road in broad daylight saying she made me do it and deserved it. my fate would have been the same but Jesus saved me. my own siblings showed so much compassion to him when I went no contact, my narc sister (who hadn’t any pity on me never had contact with me for years) was trying to lead the show but i rebuked my brother in time ad he listened. thank God for that. Yes other family members has a field day gossiping but it took courage and the Lord was true to his word never leaving nor forsaking me yes my uncle and his wife were my guardian angels. my children actually started blooming after no contact since i didn’t go in for a divorce i never met him again. i did however give him a decent funeral and burial as the Lord asked me to since he had no one else. Again God has been good all the time

These are very good examples of abuse. I have been out of the narcissist’s life since Dec. 2018. He has harassed me , taken my livelihood away we owned a business together. He stole the business and didn’t pay any of his subcontractors. I stayed home with the children and payed all the mortgages, utilities and children college. He is trying to get ever penny from me while asking me to forgive him. Thousands of dollars in legal fees. I am divorced now. We have our home up for sale and he stalks me in our driveway everyday. I just can’t believe a person can do this. He left me in October of 2018 to find himself. He has a mistress who contacted me in June of 2018 asking to let him go. My children found his porn sites. We were a happy family l thought until the mistress called. I learned he was living a double life. He wanted his family back and l refused to reconcile. Now he wants to take every penny l have. It is so sick. Stalking me everyday I stop working. If our home doesn’t sell l can buy him out. I pray for a new life abuse free

Thank you!
Let’s nix the narcs in our lives and leap for joy !!!!

I WAS TOLD….

I was exactly what she wanted and yearned for for her entire life,
And that my appearance and ability (sexually) were so crazy over the top she can’t quit fantasizing about me when we’re apart,,(trust me, I am completely average at best),
She called me several times a day to tell me she was thinking about me and missing me.
She drove an hour to spend 15 minutes with me
She came to my house ready to stay all the time. Etc,etc
THIS WAS THE TRAP

During the 5 years, I had been beaten up, water glasses thrown at me, doors slammed and broken, holes in my walls, my front door smashed in, horrifically verbally and mentally abused

I WAS TOLD

It was my fault, and that I had anger issues.
I gave her trust anxiety because I called 911 several times.
After her arrest, from the last time, (I never pressed charges the other times, just wanted her to leave), that it would now take her a long time to recover from what I had done (having her arrested).

All the while, my intention was to leave her, and I think she knew that and began to pull back so I would pursue her,, which I began to do, until I understood what I was really dealing with here.

Thanks to this community, articles like this, and all the expert advice from so many videos on narcissism, I am now in control!

No contact and being able to post to all of you beautiful people, who, like me did not deserve this have helped me gain strength and confidence every day.

Be good to yourself and dump your narc today!
You will be glad you did!

[…] also forms part of the problem of why others cannot understand why a person continues to want to be in a relationship with this person, and will go back time and time […]

It’s not your fault. You’re trauma-bond to your narc made you stay. Your good heart was used against you. Chin up. The important thing is that you have escaped. And yes…I use “escaped” intentionally. All the very best to you. Remember, you are worthy of love and loyalty and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I am a survivor of acute and chronic narcissistic abuse. Time span approximately 19 years.
Live in partner, not married with 17 years old son.
I had enough when I realized that I am the greatest contributor and/or enabler for his character to be so. It has to stop.
The journey ahead will not be easy because subconsciously I was innately deeply entrenched in my “comfort zone” of cyclical abuse.
2019 a new year…recovery for a healthier emotional and mental state of mind.
I say no more.
Going to look forward…never turning back.
To all those people out there…make a small step out of your self imposed imprisonment…annihilate these “monsters” once and for all

These examples are entirely what it was like in my relationship and marriage. I cried reading although I’m in recovery. It’s so hard to deceive to friends and family because the burning question everyone has …. even myself after reading this is….. “why did I stay?”

Such a vivid illustration of what that abuse feels like. Unless you have experienced narc abuse, I don’t think you can understand what happened to you. No one believes your story who is a flying monkey or a narc themselves. They begin to believe you are lying on the person and making it all up. I have experienced this. So I get a second round of abuse.

One day the anger and triggers will cease and I will press forward to the life I want and should have had. After the cleansing and healing process., the new me is slowly emerging, Now that is good news and only me and My Maker will know what I really went through. Thanks for letting me vent.

Good explanation.

This puts what I went through in very understandable terms. As a survivor I have to point out that even once free these scenarios continue to play over and over in my mind

Also known as sadism. Miserable immature little clowns who are miserable and confused in the real world!… the adult world.

I was on tears , I am being quiet unable to say or explain my feelings , my family and friends not understand the reason why I feel the way that I feel , they don’t know about narcissism, I just found out a month ago.
Thank you for sharing this article

Creating a beautiful painting after so much time and effort only to have it be burned to a crisp and then be told you shouldn’t have spent so much time on it because you should have known this would happen. It’s normal for hard work to be wasted. It’s just a painting, you’re making a bigger deal out of this then it is. You can always make a new one.

I’ve lived it……….yet still find it difficult to believe how someone can be such a monster. I guess that only further explains how I questioned myself, questioned what was real and what wasn’t. Did I imagine that? or did I forget them saying something ahead of time that should have warned me? It was a twisted web that I couldn’t even explain – I just knew I was entangled.
Each day away from the narcissistic behavior………….things become clearer. I wasn’t the crazy one. I will heal. He won’t.

Hi Kim, I’m here from the Facebook share of this post. Welcome to the new blogger – very perceptive article. It’s so sad that even the Survivor’s still have to read about how the world at large still misunderstands Narcissistic Abuse to such an extreme degree. One day, I hope to see less scorn/disbelief and better education of both professionals and the general public.
(I miss the “like” button – just to let you know I’ve been here. I don’t always read everything as sadly, I can still be mildly “triggered”)

This discribes it perfectly

Good descriptions! It’s hard to explain the covert manipulations, and the passive aggressive behaviors to others. My Ex lives to get back at me if he’s upset about something. He needs to unload the anger but he can not show his emotions in a normal way. So what ensues is payback. I can see them coming whenever he doesn’t get his way.

Survivors can easily relate to these parables. Someone without experience or knowledge of narcissistic abuse may dismiss them as ridiculous. Sadly, such a person is likely to side with the abuser and believe the victim is at fault.

My family will never get ..its my daughter…you will always be damned if you do…..damned if you don’t…..you are always wrong no matter how right you are

I really like the last one (the movie theater), because it really shows that the ball is always in my court (it doesn’t involve the narcissist per se, only me – the “victim”), but I refuse to play it, so to speak, when it comes to my own happiness. I disguise it by being a good person and by having principles and morals and by doing the right thing. I bet people laugh at my righteousness and that’s why I find myself in ridiculous relationships (including work relationships), where it just doesn’t make sense that I am even staying. Sure I need money (work), but for someone with the abilities of my caliber I could and should and finally am (I did learn a thing or two from my past) making a lot better living with a lot more control. Anyway, I’m trying to say that a lot of of us end up in these situations because we give up control to these guys for whatever reason, but mostly because it is easier that way and we don’t have to be fully responsible for our own happiness (which we don’t think we deserve anyway). We are as sick as these narcissists:(

https://www.facebook.com/sheiladeborahoneill/

It’s True, I Let Him
By Sheila Deborah O’Neill

It’s true, I let him
Inside of my veins
Not knowing futures
Of endless mind games

It’s true, I let him
Take over my heart
Let into my soul
He ripped it apart

It’s true, I let him
Believed and did trust
Each toxic memory
Just lead me to rust

It’s true, I let him
Forgave as I could
Not knowing in time
Take more than I should

It’s true, I let him
I stood in my tears
Fell into sorrows
Lived in great fear

It’s true, I let him
Take my peace away
Startled responses
Nightmares each day

It’s true, I let him
Held on for dear life
Went through the battles
Told I’d be his wife

It’s true, I let him
Throw all in my face
For all was my fault
My truth, my disgrace

It’s true, I let him
Again and again
How might I get out
There wasn’t a plan

It’s true, I let him
Get under my skin
Do things I regret
But wasn’t to win

It’s true, I let him
No longer could stay
Everything I once had
Let him take away

It’s true, I let him
But no longer do
Survivor of trauma
It’s sad, but it’s true

It’s true, I let him
In love I gave all
The one to not hurt
Became my great fall

It’s true, I let him
As I try to heal
Numbing the memories
Chronic pain I feel

It’s true, I let him
Poisoned from the start
Habitual lies
He hiding his narc

It’s true, I let him
In love, we believe
Questions, confusion
His answer to leave

It’s true, I let him
I thought love was free
Learned my life lesson
Was not real to me

It’s true, I let him
Compartmentalize
Not even knowing
It helped his disguise

It’s true, I let him
But not anymore
Rebuilding takes time
I’m out of the war

Its way worse

Ven – so glad you are writing with Kim. This is a parody of horrors. The sad part for survivors is that we’ll do some of this behavior as we work on our healing when we first step out into the dating world again. Those lovely emotional triggers from someone that is not necessarily a narcissist – maybe just a selfish opportunist but you are so much on high alert that it brings out your still wounded self. Thanks for sharing this one.

What great examples!!!

Yes these feel like it. So spot on! Purposeful malicious hurting… Just to hurt you. What a tragedy these folks are.

These are apt metaphors, and succinct. They perfectly express the exhaustion, can’t-win-for-losing setups, and crazy-making of a relationship with a disordered person. I’m sharing them with some of my friends and family — the ones who refused too drink the Narc’s Kool-aid and saw him for what he was.

Narcissists are very good at lies so even the best of us are tricked. These people are seasoned experts at the art of cloak and daggers. Their ability to deceive is such that it takes longer to find out you were conned.

You say these are just made up, but these are things I hear my mate say every day. So accurate and chilling how they manipulate and abuse us in a pattern that can be mirrored and applied to all our cases as victims. Thank you!

these are perfect examples I couldn’t put it any better! thanks for helping!

I could relate completely. She hurt me so much and recovery is very slow. 9 months N free.

Brought tears to my eyes only because it reminds me of the damage and why no contact is so important. I’ve been searching for the words to explain the experience however so clearly articulates . 2 years since I last saw him and 1 1/2 years narc free!

These are all such perfect examples of what they do!

This explained so much in a new way and helped me realize that I am in a narcissistic relationship. If nanywaycares to respond, can such a “relationship” cause a great deal of fatigue. I am wanting to end it but I am “on the road” (i.e. no house to live in, but I’m at least not broke) with three dogs and feel so tired I feel like I need him. It’s a vicious cycle.

Very accurate!! Great read!

Thank you

A very good article. 🙂