Youβve done it.Β You finally moved out, initiated No Contact and so far, youβre holding your position and looking forward to your recovery from narcissistic abuse.Β You feel unsure of yourself and are having second thoughts, but somehow you maintain your resolve.
You settle down for the evening, but start missing your narcissistic ex.Β You need to occupy yourself to prevent a relapse (like last time), so you try to call your buddy.Β They donβt answer, and they donβt text back.Β You call your cousin because she seemed so understanding the last time you confided your problems in her.Β She tries to be nice, but you can detect some hesitancy in her voice.Β She gives you a story about having to shop for groceries.Β In a final desperate attempt, you call your co-worker, just to have someone to vent to.Β He tells you to suck it upβ¦that this, too, shall pass.
As you hang up, your exβs number comes up on your phone, but you donβt answer.Β Over the days that follow, no one is available to talk, much less for a visit.Β Although you eventually block your exβs number from your phone, you receive an email from them because youβve been so preoccupied, you forgot to block this avenue of communication.Β Against your better judgment, you click on it.Β Inside, you read the same sob story about how much they miss you and canβt live without you.Β You hit delete and then empty your βtrashβ folder.
A few weeks go by, and none of the people you thought you could depend on can be seen or heard for miles.Β The only sounds in your new apartment are crickets chirping, and the sudden sound of a call coming in from Skype.Β You look at the numberβ¦itβs your Ex.Β You kick yourself for leaving yet another crack open.Β You start to hit βIgnoreβ, but thenβ¦you get the overwhelming feeling that your ex was right.Β They ARE the only person who cares about you.Β They’re the only one who’s tried to contact you when everyone else turned a cold shoulder.Β In a split second, youβre talking to your ex and accepting their invitation for dinner and a movie.
And thus starts the vicious cycle all over again.
![Recovery](data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg'%20viewBox='0%200%20350%20350'%3E%3C/svg%3E)
Most of us have been through this scenario.Β Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be aΒ cold, lonely existence.Β Your friends and family tired of your complaints long agoβ¦they never understood why you stuck with your ex for so long, anyway.Β They detached themselves from you because you never took their advice, and now you feel like youβve been excommunicated from everyone youβve ever known.
Itβs because of this that many of us go back to our exes after initiating our recovery from narcissistic abuse.Β Our poor, fragile minds begin to believe the lies our exes told us over the years.Β
See how your friends turned out to be deserters, and your family couldnβt care less?Β Itβs precisely in line with what your ex wanted you to believe after convincing you to isolate yourself from everyone.
As hard and lonely as it is, stay strong.Β Your loneliness was constructed by the narcissist over the years, and they are aware of your plight.Β They know you likely have no one to lean on and are using the situation to take advantage of your vulnerability.
Itβs important to remember that while the narcissist might the only person who will give you the time of day during this phase, it doesnβt mean they care about you.Β
This isn’t the narcissist’s first go-round.Β They’ve been isolating their many partners for years and they are keenly aware that you have no one around for support because this was their goal from the beginning.Β Β
You feel so lost that you are in a prime position to not only take the narcissistΒ back, but give them full access to all of your resources, as well, because you’re feeling generous now that it seems the narcissist cares about you, after all.Β This is all part of the illusion.
What to Do Instead
If you donβt have children to care for, get out of the house!Β Stop wasting away like the Living Dead and start taking care of yourself.Β Get a new hairstyle, rebuild your wardrobe, and treat yourself to a nice dinner, complete with champagne. Schedule some massages and take up a new hobby.Β This is the new you.
Donβt hang around your phone or computer because these are subconscious attempts to stick around for your ex.Β You were conditioned to do this during their unexplained absences and silent treatments, and you may continue these behaviors even after the relationship is over.
The mind and body know how to heal themselves.Β Our job is to give them the circumstances to do it…
βIt’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.β ~ Marilyn Monroe
If you do have children, listen to some guided meditations while they play with their toysΒ in another room.Β Start a blog, keep a diary, find some MeetUp groups in your area, do some mirror work, and if youβre ableβ¦ do some online shopping.Β Try to hire a reliable babysitter.Β Use a reputable company like Care.com and choose someone with a lot of positive feedback.Β (Do not use Craigslist to find a babysitter).
This is the time to reclaim your personal power and finally move forward in your recovery from narcissistic abuse.Β Over time, you will meet new people, make new friends, and have a better idea of the people you can depend on in lifeβ¦and the first person you need to rely on is yourself.
βNo one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.β ~ Gautama Buddha
If you canβt leave yet, donβt fight back. The narcissist thrives on fighting to solidify trauma bonds. Ignore them or give one-word answers.
Finally, the only way to free yourself from trauma bonding is to go 100% No Contact for good. If you share custody with the narcissist in your life,Β Extreme Modified ContactΒ should be implemented.Β Comprehensive narcissistic abuse recovery is critical to avoid falling into the trap of betrayal bonds in the future
If youβre ready to start healing from the chains of trauma bonds and move forward with REAL narcissistic abuse recovery, sign up for myΒ Essential Break Free BootcampΒ to develop the tools you need.