It’s no secret that a large percentage of narcissists are extreme control freaks. They consider their partners, children, and flying monkeys as their personal possessions, to be used and manipulated for their own selfish needs and wants. They insist on having their way in all interactions and almost always have an agenda.
Even seemingly innocent exchanges are often contrived and premeditated as a means to an end.
Failure to comply with the narcissist’s point of view is considered an attack on their perceived superiority. Anytime you voice concerns about their behaviors, you are considered problematic and you must make the necessary adjustments to pacify them. Their sense of ownership is one reason why their abuse escalates as their relationships get more serious over the passage of time. The longer you stay with a control-freak narcissist, the more they think of you as their personal property.
This possessiveness is the foundation of the control-freak narcissist’s mindset. On some level, he or she truly feels they own you and therefore has the right to treat you as they see fit. This becomes painfully obvious to their romantic partners, who become targets and outlets for the narcissist’s insane jealousy.
Below, I explain the rationale behind the insanely jealous narcissist’s behaviors and dealings with their romantic partner(s).
Jealousy and Consuming Suspicion
Although not characteristic of every jealous narcissist, they do share many of the same core traits regarding their efforts at control, which typically commence with seemingly harmless care and concern. So-called justifiable statements that a romantic partner may initially hear include:
- I just care about you so much that I can’t bear being away from you for a minute!
- I love you too much, and that’s why I feel so jealous about you.
- I’ve been cheated on before and I don’t want that to happen again.
- If you come to live with me, you can stop working so you can finish ________ (fill-in-the-blank).
- I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of you.
…and other such statements which, on the surface, hold a romantic nuance. However, in spite of the sometimes cute and puppy dog-style allusions of these statements, they hold detrimental intentions.
Any possibility of a new significant other is a threat to the enmeshment and psychic influence the jealous narcissist holds over their partner. In other words, if they believe another person is interested in you, it could mean the end of their “ownership” over you, and, therefore, the end of their all-consuming control of your life.
However, it’s important to note that their jealousy isn’t always directed towards possible romantic rivals, but sometimes to any relationship you may have with other people, whether male or female. This is because the narcissist wants you to be focused on their needs ONLY, and any attention given to other people is less attention given to the narcissist.
(This is also an under-handed method of isolation to take away any sources of support that might contribute to your attempts at independence when the relationship becomes toxic, which is inevitable in relationships with toxic people, jealous or otherwise.)
Paradoxically, the most accusatory narcissists are among the ones most likely to be cheating themselves. This explains why they always search for evidence of their partner’s infidelity even though, in most cases, none is ever found.
In spite of your attempts at reassuring the narcissist that you love them and won’t cheat, they’re not enough to calm the narcissist’s consuming suspicions. This can usually be ascribed to their own chronic infidelity, which is an indicator of their lack of ability to develop normal attachments with other people.
When Jealousy Becomes Pathological
While jealousy is normal and even healthy in conventional relationships, the kind of jealousy experienced by the jealous narcissist is largely pathological—also referred to as morbid jealousy or delusional jealousy. According to Wikipedia[1], some of the symptoms of pathological jealousy include:
- Accusing a partner of looking at or giving attention to other people.
- Interrogation of phone calls, including wrong numbers or accidental phone calls, and all other forms of communication.
- Going through the partner’s belongings.
- Always asking where the partner is and who they are with.
- Isolating a partner from their family and friends.
- Not letting the partner have personal interests or hobbies outside the house.
- Controlling the partner’s social circle.
- Claiming the partner is having an affair when they withdraw or try to escape abuse.
- Accusing the partner of having affairs when the marriage’s sexual activity stops because of the abuse.
- Lack of trust.
- Verbal and/or physical violence towards the partner, the individual who is considered to be the rival, or both.
- Blaming the partner and establishing an excuse for jealous behavior.
If your partner exhibits these signs of pathological jealousy, please know that there’s really nothing you can do to change their perspective. If they exhibit a need for constant contact (constant texts, long and frequent phone calls, insists on attending all of your appointments and interviews, visits you at work, etc.) and panics or rages when they cannot contact you immediately, that is a very strong warning sign that speaks to severe distrust and an unhealthy attachment.
Trust is an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship. You should feel comfortable around your partner and not have to constantly prove your credibility. If you feel belittled or hurt when you’re around your partner, then your partner is most likely using manipulative tactics to keep you under their control.
Healing from a narcissistic relationship – What you can do
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**Please note that if you’ve engaged in these behaviors after discovering your narcissistic partner’s infidelities or have been a victim of triangulation, this does not make you a narcissist. However, if these behaviors describe you, your relationship is unhealthy and you may want to consider ending it.
[1] Morbid jealousy. (2015, October 2). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 21:27, January 5, 2023, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Morbid_jealousy&oldid=683791086
