narcissistic secrets

3 Best-Kept Narcissistic Secrets that Will Make Everything Clear

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You realize you’re in a war, right?

Ok, so maybe no actual firearms or tanks are involved, but you are definitely in a bloody battle for your sanity.

I hate to dredge up the painful reality of it all, but the toxic person in your life is using the three best-kept narcissistic secrets world-wide – against you!  Secrets that, when used proficiently, can bring other human beings to their knees – regardless of status, intellect, education, or material wealth.

…dirty secrets that can (and often do) result in their unsuspecting targets becoming so broken and dysfunctional that they lose everything – careers, children, homes, licenses (such as those required to perform as doctors, attorneys, and therapists), bank accounts, and worst of all, their sense of self.

Below, I offer an insider exposé that will have you screaming, “Victory!!”  – or at the very least, make everything clear so that you’ll feel empowered to detach from the madness, reclaim your good judgement and reason, and move towards your abuse-free life.

3 Best-Kept Narcissistic Secrets

  1. Narcissists will not appreciate anything you do to accommodate and placate them.

I know you work hard to please the narcissist.  I sure did, back in the day when I was “green” narcissistic supply.   I could go into the hellish details of all I did for him and his family, but I’ll spare you.

Narcissists want you to believe that even your best efforts are not good enough.  The reason they do this is so they can keep you scurrying about for their approval, but never quite receiving it.  Before long, you’re doing the work of three people, yet not being acknowledged for it.

For example, maybe they really liked the chocolate cake you made them last year for their birthday, but after that, each time you made it for them, there was something wrong with it.

Or perhaps, once upon a time, they said you looked pretty when they picked you up for a date, but ever since then, you can’t seem to dress right, the colors you wear are all wrong, you’ve gained weight, etc.  Why can’t you just dress like the new secretary at their job or the new CEO who always looks so sharp? 

Do you work two jobs, keep the house clean, pay most or all of all the bills, take care of their errands, and cook dinner most nights, but never receive even a simple nod of approval?

This cruel tactic works in two ways – 1) it ensures you will be willing to do whatever they ask at a moment’s notice (hoping they’ll show some sign of appreciation), and 2) destroy your confidence and self-esteem as you develop the belief that nothing you do is ever good enough.

Even if you are highly successful in your professional life and have friends and family who’ve always appreciated what you’ve done for them, the narcissist doesn’t want you to feel any pride or sense of accomplishment – because if you did, you might realize they are using you and consequently decide to do something about it.

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind Thou art not so unkind, as man’s ingratitude.” ~ William Shakespeare

Want to know if you’re dealing with a narcissist?  Stop catering to their excessive demands and see how they react.  This is the first unveiling of narcissistic secrets designed to destroy you.

  1. Narcissists DO know exactly how to reel you in

Narcissists truly do have a sixth sense when it comes to snagging people into relationships with them, and it doesn’t have anything to do with their target’s status, wealth, or intelligence.  These toxic individuals are able to detect vulnerability and emotional wounds in others.  Generally, these states of being originated in childhood or early adulthood and were intensified through unsuccessful relationships and life events.

Narcissists and other predatory types can detect vulnerability in people through visual and auditory cues such as facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.  People who feel vulnerable often avoid direct eye contact with others, tend to look downward a lot, speak in softer voices, and/or are overly nice and accommodating upon first meeting them.

Even if a potential target doesn’t display the above behaviors, narcissists can alternately determine if a person is a good target through other behaviors and traits such as:  high levels of trust, compassion, cooperativeness, and tolerance (traits which they gleefully concede they can take advantage of).

They then use their target’s vulnerability to reel them in, and also to keep them enmeshed in a toxic relationship through psychological manipulation, which targets their victim’s emotional wounds and destroys his or her self-esteem.

“What we don’t resolve, we often repeat” ~ Sigmund Freud

If you’ve been hurt in the past or have a history of choosing partners who end up being detrimental to your well-being, know that this cycle can be broken through committing to yourself and your recovery.

  1. Silent treatments work best after you’ve isolated yourself from your friends and family

Once the honeymoon/love-bombing phase begins its dismal decline, the narcissist then starts blaming your relationship problems on your outside influences, which may include:  parents, grandparents, siblings, other extended family, exes, best friends, and even your own children.

After the isolation stage has been successfully implemented, silent treatments can be employed with maximum benefit to the narcissist.  After ensuring you have no emotional support, the narcissist can then criticize you without bias.

This is the same technique that was used in North Korean POW camps[1].  It was not uncommon for a soldier to wander into his hut, go in a corner, sit down, pull a blanket over his head, and die within two days.

Despite minimal physical torture, the death rate in the North Korean POW camp rose 38%, with half of the soldiers dying simply because they had given up.

How did this happen?  The “ultimate weapon of war”.  One that the narcissist in your life uses against you quite regularly.

The North Koreans’ objective was to “deny men the emotional support that comes from interpersonal relationships.”  To do this, the captors used these primary tactics:

  • Withholding all positive emotional support
  • Criticism

They used negativity in its purest and most malicious form.  The soldiers had nothing to live for and lost basic belief in themselves and their loved ones, not to mention God and country.  The North Koreans had put the American soldiers into a kind of emotional and psychological isolation, the likes of which had never been seen.

Aside from the silent treatment, does the simple act of walking through your house to go to work seem to induce a psychotic rage in your partner?  They want you to feel sorry for being alive.  To be so overly anxious that you feel you’re always one minute away from tragedy.

“The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as Godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.” ~ Sam Vaknin

If the narcissist punishes you by regularly utilizing the silent treatment while being overly critical on the days they are in your company, you can be certain he or she is a sadistic, malicious narc-type who doesn’t deserve your devotion, empathy, or compassion.

How to turn it all around

While there’s no way to turn it around with the narcissist, there is good news…though it will require making some hard choices.

Perhaps, as a result of this part of your life, you will completely turn your life around for the better.

Maybe you will become more successful and find the perfect, non-disordered partner for you, if that’s in your plans.

Perhaps this experience will allow you to tap into other areas of your life – allowing you to become more creative and fulfilled.

Maybe this happened so you could free yourself from your past and your wounds, and vow to never let another person to mistreat you…

But, it all requires breaking free from narcissistic abuse.  Once you’ve done that and created some distance from the dark toxicity, you can move forward towards healing and see that black clouds often do have silver linings.  

Take the First Step Today

I understand how to get over a narcissist because I’ve been through it myself. It’s not easy. Recovery involves rewriting everything the narcissist made you believe about yourself. It requires rebuilding your identity – or in many cases building an identity for the first time.

Like someone suffering from substance abuse, you need a narcissistic abuse recovery program that can help you avoid relapse by learning about yourself, habits, and triggers.

The Break Free Program may be the missing piece of the puzzle. 

I know what you’re going through, and I’m here to help. Learn more about the course and see what my students and neuroscience experts have to say about it.


Rath, T., & Clifton, D. (2004). How full is your bucket?: Positive strategies for work and life. New York: Gallup Press.

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Leave a Comment:

Peggy says March 16, 2024

I thought that I hated him before….

Diane Anon says November 26, 2023

I have been married to a narcissist for 57 years. Ridiculous right? I didn’t realize what he was until 4 years ago. I’ve decided to leave him but my family stops me every time. I’m trying to find a house near my sister but haven’t found one yet.

Michelle H Merritt says February 26, 2023

I am still struggling over is it possible he really is a narcissist? All the things I read hit right at home. I know it’s not me that’s out there like he wants me to believe. But I don’t even know where or how to start to get out and not ever come back. I’m going to keep reading and hopefully the time will come soon before it gets any worse. Thanks for letting me vent.

Dallas C Goodwin says December 22, 2021

After 10 yrs 4 children & just having a brand new baby the person I was with suddenly woke up picked a fight stole my truck stayed gone all nite & when I found him the next day it became an all out war. He tried to run me over with my vehicle & was trying to thrown me from the back seat of my trailblazer. When we made it home he jumped on this bike he had been working on barely ran smoking like crazy & off he went to work for the evening. By the time he got off work at 4:30 am he was living with sum chick he had worked with 2 yrs before. I had noticed lil things over the years but nothing like the last 2-3 yrs of our relationship. Suddenly he had no time for me he was so busy doing anything to keep from having to spend time with me. The way he looked at me like he couldn’t stand me suddenly everything he thought was so cute he couldn’t stand. Nothing I did was good enough & the way he spoke to me like I was beneath him & or ignorant. When I’d ask him something if it was something he didn’t want to discuss he would either completely ignore me for the rest of the day or he would change the subject or pick something else I had said in a message to respond about then what I had asked or immediately start telling me how I was assuming shit or jumping to conclusions. He said u claim ur not stupid but ur connecting dots that aren’t there. He spent months trying to convince me I was crazy that I was just imagining shit that there was no other female & he had not just up & walked out on me & our 4 month old daughter to be with some chick. Suddenly he was twisting & turning everything & everything was my fault. That I pushed him away because I was always telling him about himself making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Funny thing is he didn’t start in with that stuff unless I was hot on his trail & the things I was supposedly assuming etc…. Were hitting the nail on the head. He spent months doing this yet calling me crying begging me not to hate him claiming he missed me & the baby & just wanted to come home. I gave in a couple times & quickly figured out he was just using me to be able to come get different things he had left here for months like I was supposed to be his storage unit really I guess it was left here as a just incase things didn’t work out or go how he planned with the other chick. He has terrorized me caused me to lose my kids my home vehicles everything I owned. And now am a single mother at 41 while He ran off with the chick he had been cheating on me with since shortly after our daughter was born. Now he is in jail but he continued to torment me from jail there’s a lot more to this story much worse but it’s probably novel length. Anyways I am really having a lot of trouble with this I have extreme ptsd, anxiety & depression. I feel so stupid I almost can’t function burst into tears randomly multiple times a day. I am so lost & so broken I dont know what to do anymore & it’s not getting any better.

    Kim Ball says February 12, 2022

    Im so sorry you went thru this cause i know how your feeling. Our stories are a little different but pretty much the same with the trying to convince m e of things that didnt happen or twisting the story to accommodate them. I foes make you feel your crazy but your not. Reach out to local support groups I know it so hard to speak out about Whats happened to other people you dont know but you wouldnt believe how much of a release it is and it speeds IP the healing process and lost important you realize your not alone the way they want you to feel. You get to lean on others that feel the same way you do and you help each other.

    Elle says April 8, 2024

    Dallas- I’m working at getting out of something similar. I hope you reached for and found the help you needed/need. The isolation that comes with this type of abuse is paralyzing and, I believe, unless you have actually experienced what we have/are, you simply cannot have any understanding. I hope you allowed/ allow yourself to find the healing you deserve.

Jane says October 11, 2021

I have been divorced from the NARC for over 30 years but we had a son together….I tried hard but as I always suspected….the son is now doing the same things the ex did. He has a daughter, my granddaughter, how do I remove him from my life and not her?

Kelly says July 28, 2021

You can never change the narcissist.
You have to be strong and get out.
Believing in the narcissist is nothing more than a fantasy.
You have to get real.
Because they are actors.
The only thing they ever change is their masks and their victims.
You will never have peace of mind or happiness in a relationship with a narcissist.
Go to Al-Anon meetings.
Chances are you grew up with a narcissistic parent and you have been conditioned to the behavior and lies.
Love is a choice –
Happiness is a choice –
Once you walk away from the narcissist you will be empowered and strengthened
This is when you start to feel better about yourself and your life. TRUST ME- I know- it works

Brenda Branan says July 21, 2021

I stayed in a relationship with a narcissist 40 years we where married When I couldn’t take no more And I stopped contact he committed suicide But first he destroyed my relationship with my son Said awful things about me to everyone I no Its been 8 months I don’t have any more life then before But I’m not abused by him every day I will never forget Haveing to go to the police station When the officer said he really planned on killing u first It was like my heart just blow to pieces I’m lost in a world that I don’t seem to no how to live in I never wanted anything like this to happen My son had always been used for his back up Who he made his self right with He blames me for losing his dad He had also been diagnosed with dementia years ago He always refused any treatment It had made him a lot meaner He would lose control And always denied he had any problems with anything I don’t doubt he did face that he had problems before he did what he did. But he would have never admitted it to anyone I hate the way things have happened And I can’t believe I wasted 40 years of my life for things to end this way I loved him with all my heart He new he didn’t have any reason to kill me He just felt like if he wasn’t going to live he would just take me with him He new how much I loved him I spent my life time trying to get his attention I lived off crumbs really It was like he loved controlling me but he never really felt what we call love I don’t think he did love anyone But he felt pretty highly of his self

Anonymous says May 14, 2021

I’m almost 6 years into a Narc relationship and have recently been replaced by the “new girl” (past 6 weeks and he’s still denying it) I NEED TO LET GO! The past few years have been everything you describe. I’m just a shell of a person and have lost all my friends because i kept this relationship a secret, but they knew… WHY CANT I LET GO?

Anonymous says May 4, 2021

30 years later… I had never heard of the word narcissist or what it was or meant. Every single word I’ve read is like completely spot on. He immediately swept me up and said everything I needed to hear. In the past few days after meeting I was sucked up by his charm and confidence and everyone seemed to be great fans of him. I thought wow I am so happy and wondered why me? I was 15 he was 24 yea I know.. I was so in love with him. I married later to another man because 24 was married I soon found out. I had 4 kids with “Jake” . We divorced @ 6 years later. 24 was always on my mind through years of raising my kids and my life was a little bit less than perfect. I caught up with 24 moved in with him and my kids. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

Anonymous says April 26, 2021

Powerful story and the absolute truth. I can completely relate.I left physically but lingered mentally for some time holding onto hope. BUT I finally let go completely. It saved me.

    Kim Saeed says April 26, 2021

    So glad to know you’re doing better, Anon! 🙂


Frank Armstrong says March 7, 2021

I’ve just come out of a relationship with a narsasist
A woman who wants revenge

victioria says February 24, 2021

thank you

Arlene says December 23, 2020

I’m dating a narcissistic male. In the beginning I thought I was
the woman of his dream. He expressed many times
he wanted to make me happy. It was OK in the beginning of the relationship. I couldn’t do anything wrong. Slowly,I couldn’t satisfy him. When I came to visit on the week ends, he had a list of chores for me to do. He made a statement”What’s wrong you too good to clean.”

Nathan Poppe says November 25, 2020

I need help. My wife is textbook narc. She fits all these categories. I dont know how to get out and still have shared custody with her as I have fallen into everyone of her traps. She has turned everyone against me.

Anonymous says September 29, 2020

Thank you! Thank you! Kim……..
Love your emails and Videos.

Lady says September 26, 2020

Hello all.

I have been married to a Narc for almost 10 yrs. This man has never given me love. Caused me to lose two children…I will not go into all that that man has done to me, but I will say, I lost everything. My children, my house, my pets, my dignity, self-esteem, self-love, and even my money. He almost made me lose my mind

Everything was my fault even though others told me I was the perfect wife to this man, too perfect for him. I endured gaslighting, projecting, blaming, twisting words, non-financial support, non-emotional support, the list goes on and on. I was a constant assistance to him, however, standing by him and taking care of him during several health crisis. All he did was use me. The harder I tried to work for his love, the more he withheld it. I felt like a carrot was constantly being dangled in my face, or like a rat on a spinning wheel, going no where but circles.

I left him 2 months ago. Now he is very sick and want me to come bac. Why? You guessed it. too take care of him, although he refuses to make any commitments in writing to care for my needs even though I stipulated what possible will be a start before I will ever think about returning.

I record all convo’s and save all correspondence. Please, protect yourselves please from these demonic monsters who have no souls and a black heart. Have a bag packed if possible and always a plan B,

Tips: Isolate yourself as much as you can from the Narc. Be inconspicuous. If you have no money, seek education online, perhaps thru insurance work. It doesn’t take much money to get a license and many companies will train you. I studied while under constant pressure and got my education online. He never knew what I was doing in my room. When it was over I made the mistake of telling him because I thought he would respect and be proud of me once I had accomplish so much. Wrong! He APPEARED to be at first but then his ugly true side came out. He became very competitive and told me that I can NEVER top ever top him. That wasn’t my goal. I just wanted to be financially solvent so I could get the heck away from him. I also told him finally, because I thought things would be better, Wrong! It made it worse. He even tried to sabatoge my training.

They will never change. They love bomb to keep you wanting and lusting just for a taste of honey, for a little bit of love. You can never speak your mind. The only way to get along with them is to put up or shut up!

This has been one scary ride! Please, singles, do your homework. Don’t jump in a relationship quick just like I did just because of being lonely. Take it sloooooow, The slower the better. Talk to friends, family, ex’s. Visit their social media page to check them out. Watch a prospective from a distance, and then watch em some more. Bring your pets and kids around them before you solidify anything. Kids and pets cannot be easily fooled. Check their credit(A abusive Narc can still have great credit. Mine did). Look at the family dynamics. Estranged from mother, father, family, etc., big red flag. Watch out for being overly overly generous in the beginning. Acting too perfect in the beginning. Trust your gut and your heart.

Lastly, have an exit plan. You are never stuck. Nobody, I found was holding me captive but me allowing him to do so. Walk out with the clothes on your back, if necessary. Live with friends, family or even go to a battered shelter for victims. (Abuse is abuse whether it is mentally or physically. Its still abuse and especially if you fear for your life I did. Many times he was mad enough to hit me. Plus he owns a gun, I took no chances)Then you will be inline to receive housing benefits and will even be bumped up on the waiting list.

I’m not telling anyone to leave their marriage, (If you are not married, you can walk away more easily than if you are married) BUT, if you fear for your safety as I did, you have to make some tough decisions. Remember self preservation is the first law of nature. You were not bought in this world to be abused, but loved, adored, protected and cherished. A band of gold or a title of boyfriend or girlfriend) doesn’t give anyone the right to destroy your life. There is no middle ground. Either you are being loved or you are being destroyed. If it doesn’t feel like love, it isn’t. If it feels abusive, it is. Its not hard to figure it out. We all know when we are being treated right. Simply put love makes you feel warm and secure and abuse makes you feel anxious, nervous, and unsure of yourself.

    Ronda says June 15, 2021

    This is so me what I am going through and have been married 10 months told me he would never hurt me but is mentally

      Friend says February 10, 2022

      Me too. I completely agree. Got married even though I didn’t want to. I am miserable and everything is my fault. He has convinced all friends that he is the fun guy. Nobody would believe me! We have close to ending relationship fights but I get scared. Why??? I’ve been by myself before. I need help!

Brian Stanley says September 25, 2020

Why does no one have a suggestion or a program for what todo when u have children with them and can’t bare the thought of leaving them for any duration of time?!

    Justin Dalton says October 28, 2020

    I agree. I have 3kids under 10 with my girl. As well as a teen of my own. No family,no more friends,no job. She has cost me 3 good jobs & countless opportunities. I can not stand to hear my kids being told how big of a POS thier father is anymore. Idk I’m about 6months into my enlightenment so I’m still trying to understand all of this. I’m in St.Louis if anybody knows of resources.

      Kim Saeed says November 2, 2020

      Hi Justin, I know a great therapist in your area who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. Here is a link to her site:

      Best of luck!

    Gloria schroeder says July 10, 2021

    I left my narc husband with three kids. My son to this day has no relationship with his dad. I found friends to treat my kids like substitute dads. It made a big difference. I left my husband because he had too many girlfriends and he was beating me.

Elaine A. Hirst says September 25, 2020

The toxic person in my life is my sister in law. She is so controlling and manipulative. She creates this false belief that what ever she does is fine. For years, she has made me feel like a big nothing. The most hurtful thing that she has done is become the wedge between my brother and myself and destroyed our relationship. This really put a steak in my heart.

Racheal says September 25, 2020

My husband was as bad as they come. Had a 10 year relationship with a woman. She claims her child is his and he left me abruptly to go and take care of his family as he put it to his family. I am grateful he left, it was hell living with him and watch him blatantly text his mistress and make a fool of me. I’m 3 months free and honestly is he hadn’t left I would be still feeling worthless and tortured by his abuse, manipulation and lies.

Tammy says September 25, 2020

This post ” The Three Best kept Narc Secrets” Unbelievably ,My life .today, right now ,and for the past 20 years!! To say it like that is sickening, I don’t like to face reality because I am pathetic . why can’t i leave I know the truth now .He is a monster who knows exactly when i am gaining confidence to perhaps leave! He senses it and any strength I may muster up and *BAM* Squashes it like a bug* and when he is done I am a worthless , pathetic ,weak shell of a woman. Unable to have enough strength to pull myself and my precious children away from him. anyway sorry for going on and on. And by the way , thank you for not giving up on me. :)Stay safe and take care , You are amazing and I look up to you for your strength and intelligence . Sincerely, T

Karen Turner says April 5, 2020

This is so my ex-husband. Thankfully, I allowed him to divorce me (didn’t want him to do the victim). Now I hear he is with another woman, she has my sympathies, but she also had 3 grown up children so I don’t think he will be with her long. He loves to isolate his captor and make their life hell.

JoElle says March 12, 2020

Sometimes there is no way to leave them. Praying? Been there. Rationalizing with him? Done that. Try to outsmart him? Been there, done that. From the start, when it was the “good” phase, he systematically isolated me. Then, when I mentioned “Job”, he sabataged it. When I mentioned “training/career”? He raged and threatened. So here I sit, twenty one years into it… no place to go, no money to get there.. and no works skills that would bring a meagerly self supporting income. I’m stuck. This is it. Sit all day and wait… for the yelling and the blame and the cleaning and yard work. No more dreams. No conversation. As long as I’m invisible and “don’t talk back!”, he’s tolerable. This isn’t living. And it kills me to see women who ARE self supporting and DO have places to go to.. and they debate on staying!!! Seriously??? Run! RUN FAST!

    Sarah says September 11, 2020

    This makes me so incredibly upsset and I wish I could just pick you up. Next week I am walking away from my life of 11+ years. With C-ptsd no family very few friends isolated for so long k don’t know how to interact in society. He got me at 15, he got to mold me. To what he wanted
    It’s taken over a year to have the guts..but I found a place and have prepared to just walk away with our son. I hope this is the right choice I often wondered if I just kept the don’t speak till spoken too facade with him which keeps the peace that we could cohabitate but it’s miserable.

Anonymous says March 12, 2020

So how do you leave them when you are isolated with no place to go, do not have the work skills for self support, and if you even casually mention “work” or “training” they threaten you with homelessness? Twenty one years of hell. There’s no leaving. I’ve tried rational conversation (HA!), plans of making money with him being the beneficiary (wink wink) and realized that he set it up this way. The second I had no place to go and no money to get there, the evilness started. I’m a slave to the temper tantrums and abuse. There’s no leaving.

Hayley says November 18, 2019

O my I have just realised my recent ex is a narcissist. All the behaviours described , the complaining, name calling, silent treatment, basically emotions of a puddle, the attention seeking from other women and after me ending the relationship for the second time after five years he supposedly met someone after one week. I am still in shock, and can’t believe how deluded I have been. Like August I am struggling with the missing him bizarrely. The problem I have is he is my business partner and the contactless option is not possible as yet. I am a strong girl and god is helping me tremendously to get through day by day. I am working very hard on self love and self worth and will create my best life. With gods help .

How the Narcissist Hurts You Using Cognitive Empathy - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says August 6, 2019

[…] When you’re on the receiving end of a narcissist’s abuse, does it feel like you’re being tortured? […]

    Tiffany says November 21, 2019

    Yes. I used to tell people he was tormenting me for the laughs. I loved him with all that I had. He was mean and cruel in the end. I had watched him be like this to his employees but I always thought they were morons. I never realized until it was too late that he would treat me and his children in the same manner. I watched him be cruel to them and it broke my heart more than I can ever explain to anyone. I begged him to be good to them and I swear it only made him be worse. Ive had no contact for many years now. I dont ask him for anything and dont expect any help but it is still heart breaking to watch him do nothing for our children. No help with a car or nice birthdays or great christmases. I can only hope their is karma in the world so he gets a nice taste of what he has done to others.

      Sheila W says September 14, 2020

      So I lived that for 20 years; the isolation, lies deceit, other women who knew no better because he lied to them too. As relationship crept to the end, he conned me into refinancing our home and he took $30k out of the equity. $20k was used in Cashier check form to put down on a house he and his illegal girlfriend picked out. When it came up that I had to release him from “our” mortgage, the realtor was so embarrassed. She met me at work and apologized over and over as she had no idea. I filled her in on details; he is still married, he has 2 sons, 3 horses two dogs a cat and a long time friend he conned into being a renter. He took this money from his own family and has no remorse. He told his youngest son he had no time to waste on him. He emotionally crushed his oldest son…who by the way; was able to retake SATS” 3 times during worst part of the break and got accepted to private TULSA University ….but could not go further, crying out for attention he turned to drugs. His biological father to this day has nothing to do with him. We are lucky, we three are strong minded enough to have pulled our heads up and move forward. You too can do it. You are more than what they claim you are, they use up “resources” and you were only that. Once your usefulness is gone you are no longer needed. Thrown like the weekly trash…you, children, animals nothing has purpose anymore and they find someone that they can manipulate…its sad, I did feel alot of anger toward this illegal immigrant. Then I felt she got what she deserved, now I am so sorry for her as I have heard whispers that the honeymoon is over once again. This will be a lifelong pattern and the older he gets it just gets worse. STAY STRONG for you are worth every positive life has to offer.

      Beverley Balshaw says December 25, 2020

      I firmly believe these parasites will get their just deserts one day. We shouldn’t drag ourselves to their level by seeking revenge, even negative attention IS attention and it would give them so much satisfaction! (Crazy, I know! ) PLEASE resist. You and your Children have each other.
      Keep thinking about that. One day , ONE DAY, he will have nothing, he will have no one, he will be a miserable old man, and still just as nasty. God will judge, the out come won’t be a good one!
      I hope you and your Children are happy now and are healthy. Try and forget, please.

Tara says July 1, 2019

My narc just pushed me away. Closed on our house three weeks ago and told me since we were arguing that I should wait some time to move in. Since then I’ve found out he has been cheating on me since april w his ex and also asked her to get re engaged. He wants to put the past behind them. Knowing all that he still closed on our house I gave 26,000 towards the house that she is now living there with him. I was told 9 months ago in the beginning I was perfect the one the soul mate…I’ll never leave you I’m here forever. Quite ur job I will take care of you. Everything was my fault….it went down hill with in 5 months. Now they r living in my dream home that is two blocks away from me and hasn’t even had the decency to say it’s over. I am devastated and blindsided. In therapy I haven’t lost myself completely but it’s been hard. Stay strong and I’m sorry whoever is going through this. I also battle the terrible fact that he as a child didn’t ask for this abuse which he has developed…. it makes me cry.

    Anonymous says August 6, 2019

    Pray pray ask God to give you the strength to go on don’t give up on yourself love yourself . narcissist is like the Devil’s child. They want to see you fall don’t givein. Trust God to heal you mush Love.

    Elizabeth Moore says August 31, 2019

    I was dating a narcissist for 6 months and it really took a toll on my mental health. I cant even imagine what you’re going through. I pray that God mends your heart and pulls you out of the terrible heartbreak.

Llsa says May 24, 2019

It took me forever to realize this. It’s really hard when it’s a family member. I am trusting and my son was in a car accident and he is a incomplete spinal cord injury a paraplegic and I have asthma, COPD and now have valley fever in the worst way. I believed everything her and her daughter told my son and I before I left my job of over 15 years that I loved in Miss. Sold,gave away most everything only shipped what was personal. We moved to Ca 2 weeks after I got here they kicked my son and his girlfriend out. I had to stay cuz we have a cat and dog. This all happened February 2011. My brain couldn’t comprehend why I’m not wired like that I would never do that to anyone. My health and my sons has gone downhill. She has been gaslighting me for 8yrs. We finally got her to move out, but it’s still not over just better. Thanks for listening.

Melissa says April 9, 2019

Sure does

David says March 16, 2019

You have so precisely and succinctly described my tumultuous and unbelievably destructive four year “relationship” with the last person I dated. Thank you for validating that what I felt was indeed genuine and it was not all in my head as I had been led to believe.

    Kim says March 4, 2023

    Went 2 years with my girlfriend and it was the craziest shit I’ve ever experienced. Was unaware there are people out there like that. Thankfully, I don’t live anywhere near her.

Stacey says September 4, 2018

What if the narc seems to be adored by everyone around? What if no one has figured the narc out except for you?
And lastly, what if you’re scared to leave the narc for fear of being alone?

How the Narcissist Hurts You Using Cognitive Empathy - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says June 10, 2018

[…] When you’re on the receiving end of a narcissist’s abuse, does it feel like you’re being tortured? […]

Anonymous says July 29, 2017

I am leaving my narc husband of 25 years this week and divorce is final in 2 weeks! Last year I saw a therapist who deals with women in narcissistic relatioships. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I learned that my husband is a high functioning narc. He fools a lot of people. He’s very charming (esp. with the ladies), funny, and social. Everybody likes him. But at home it was a different story. He was so critical of everything I did (and I did everything) and never appreciative. Nothing was ever good enough. He loved to make me the butt of jokes when we were among friends and family. When I would tell him how he hurt me, he never apologized but told me I needed a sense of humor. His whole family is like that. He blamed me for his alcoholism, his constant need for attention from women, and even his erectile dysfunction. Yes, I caused his ED! We have two children that he is emotionally disconnected from. Our daughter moved to another state last year and my son and I have visited twice but he has made no attempt to see her, always making up an excuse. But when you see him talk to an aquaintance you would think he was father of the year! I have read two books on narcs and was amazed that every page I turned, I said to myself, “this is my life”. I felt like a prisoner for so long, no more! I’m finally free!

    Dori Sheehan says March 4, 2019

    I can relate to you in so many ways. I too am about to leave my NARC and also my son who is worse the the first NARC. I have done. 7 long long years with these two and I AM SP FREAKING DONE. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ( ME TOO) . GOD BLESS AND ALWAYS TRY TO STAY POSTIVE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST.

    Anonymous says March 8, 2019

    This is so me…

Cel says March 30, 2017

Great article and one I could relate to on many levels. Just a small piece of advice if you republish elsewhere in future.. perhaps we can move away from the gendered stereotypes of female secretaries and male CEOs. 🙂
Perhaps you could write: Why can’t you just dress like the new Project Manager at their job or the new Sales Rep who always looks so sharp?

    Kim Saeed says April 3, 2017

    Well, Cel, narcissists aren’t concerned with being politically correct. These responses are what we can expect to hear from them, faux pas and all…

Anonymous says February 8, 2017

thank u kindly for yr wise words of information sharing your personal journey and support for my current situation continue to detach alrite carrying on ?. p.s. blimey i am working to become a therapist darn not the first time ive read that.?

Debbie Rabin says February 7, 2017

Thank you Kim. The community you have brought together and your wisdom has helped me land on solid ground. Thank you x 1000000+
I am sorry you went through such harsh times. You have turned your experience, your mind and heart around and continue to teach those of us who so need help. I honor you for sharing your understanding and helping so many women and men through difficult times.
$ is short since the divorce but once things turn around I will and look forward to sending you $ support so you can carry on your important support of us. Thank you so much Kim!

    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2017


    Thank you very much for your kind praise. Your comment has absolutely made my day…my week, in fact 🙂 I am glad to know that my work has helped you in some way. I wish you all the best in your divorce proceedings. I know it’s difficult now, but rest assured that happiness is no longer an elusive concept!



      Anne says March 30, 2017

      I’m struggling right now with all this, I don’t know any different, together from 14 now 31 with 4 children, we had everything, now I have no money no home and in a refuge, coz I began to realise what he was doing to me, it’s hard not to go back but I’m trying for me and my children

Mary says December 18, 2016

This is him. To a “T.”

Katherine Olsen says September 8, 2016

Very good article. Spot on. I finally divorced my Narc husband after 12 years of marriage/hell. I almost left him three times before that, but he kept reeling me back in with his sad sob stories and begging for me not to leave him, making false promises, etc. Two kids in our marriage made it even harder to leave; trying to do what was best for them, unsure of what to do. He totally tried to isolate me from the emotional support of my parents, and blamed them for a lot of our problems, just like you talk about. He did use the silent treatment, and I did feel like I was walking on egg shells around him, like a ticking time bomb, and I was trying so desperately to get his approval and figure out what to do to bring happiness back into our marriage, to no avail. It wasn’t until I left that I realized how messed up my head was, and just how much he held over me. I finally know what real happiness and freedom is, on my own. I was in such a miserable depressed state before. I will never let that happen again. I also won full custody of my two kids, and they are all that matter. I am aware of what he might try with them, and I will be watching and waiting to help them. No one deserves the cruel mental abuse of a narcissist!

    E says May 11, 2017

    How did you get full custody? I am in the same boat except he has a tramatic brain injury 2 yrs ago and can not take care of his self but he is still harassing me via his mother that is also a narcissist. NONE stop harassment for 2yrs with false criminal charges and 3 days in jail, suing for custody every chance they get, cps, shutting off utilites that were still under his name, closing joint account without me, lost 2 jobs 1 for the false charges and the other from stress and anxiety over another custody case beacuse I cant afford an attorney. They interrogate my kids for information on my personal life. He says he’s gonna commit suicide in front of them and he has supervised visitation court appointed his mom she is never there. He stays in his room and plays video games the whole time. They are suing me for custody, claiming me my boyfriend do drugs boys are scared of him, he cant get in touch with me or the boys when he takes there phone before returning them after visitation wont return it sometimes. They are made to do house work while im out, they are unsupervised 14 yrs and 10 yrs legal at 10 yrs old in louisiana and its while im at work.. what do I do?? I have wrecked my car lost my job and have to move 45mins away were there is a job for me and in with my boyfriend.

    Terri says September 24, 2020

    KO, please tell how did you won full custody? I’m in a custody battle and told it’s basically impossible, so I’ve been counseled to request joint custody instead… which I DREAD!

Cheryl says July 23, 2016

Hi Kim,

Had no idea I was married to a Narc. I. 3 year marriage and I told him I’M DONE! GET OUT!
He finally did leave after begging me to stay in the marriage, promise counseling, promise to get men friends, promise to stop smoking pot, ect.
I saw him in court yesterday (we are still married working towards getting divorce) and after court went to his home to get some furniture cause he is moving and his girlfriend before marrying me called his iPhone, her picture came up and it said, “Jesus Angel” — I was shocked. I had no idea. Found out he contacted her when I was getting stronger and not giving him his supply. He’s actual driven down south (6 hours away) to see her while we are married.
I’m so glad this happened and God allowed me to see it. I got into his email and the other women has been sending him devotionals while we were married but separated. He’s hooking her like he hooked me. God is good.
This led me to look further in him being a NARC and is he ever one. He wanted to believe that when I came over to get furniture I was coming over to say sorry and I want him back even though he is already seeing his old girlfriend who is clueless about who he really is.
I stood up to him and said there’s no way I’m here to get back with you. You haven’t changed your still love avoident, love dependent, needy, in fear, boundary breaker, and depressed — (counselors diagnosis of him) actually he’s a Narc and counselor was manipulated and didn’t see full picture — I do.
Reading your articles is so validating. My Narc husband was sexually abused by a teacher at age 10 and had abusive dad and NARC mom.
I have compassion for broken people but most importantly I’m out, he has a new victim, and I see all his wicked emotional manipulation and have no desire to go back and be abused waiting for a crumb of love to come my way. I saw him in a new light yesterday — Narc! The way he treated me yesterday and throughout our marriage after the “honeymoon” was over is exactly what you describing in your articles.
I thank God every morning He’s gone and that my childhood wounds of abandonment are healing –thats how I got hooked.
Thank you so much for your site. God Bless you, Kim.

yoyo says July 22, 2016

my narci had all the trait’s except the silent treatment . that i dont understand. he is very confrontational. used projection a lot, gas lighting and very good in twisting stories . he used blame, threat. making you feel guilty , hurt, pressure , self pity to the get what he wants.

    Peter says March 31, 2017

    yoyo, the silent treatment or ghosting starts to occur, if the Narcissist suspects that you are on to them (so to speak). If this is the case, then the narc is aware that they themselves could get dumped or exposed at any minute, so they will ignore you to bring about a desired negative response from you, so that they can then justify in their own twisted mind, reasons for walking away from you, discarding you, or you actually managing to get away from them first.

Donna says July 19, 2016

I’m almost a full year NC! I can say that I still have hard days, but life is SO MUCH BETTER. The five years I was with him and the 1 year since have been the hardest of my life, but good things are ahead.

    kimraya says July 20, 2016

    Yay! That’s awesome, Donna! <3

Kathy says July 13, 2016

I live in this country for 23 years and I have no friends and family, he kept me away from them for years, my father passed away recently, and I went back to my country for funeral, my mom is alone there, and I have a daughter here at college, and I have a job that I am not sure I can even pay the rent. I should stayed there with my mom but again I came back to this hell, I have to give the money I make to him and do all the house work too. I take some money out from deposit for paying gas and est. he yells that I am taking too much money and he is not working for a year and half (this is a pattern during all these years)
other description you mentioned 100% matches, he hides everything and if I leave I have nothing. do I go back to my country, at list my mom needs me, or leave and start a minimum living, I had never lived all by myself. making this big decision is hard for me, loosing my job is like loosing ten years of my life, and I have to start all over there.

Becky says July 10, 2016

It’s been 5 months since I left my narcissist and I would have NO problem going no contact, but we have a 10 month old son and we must talk to each other. How do I recover when this is going to go on forever? We are still in a vicious custody fight and he’s bleeding be dry financially and emotionally.

Paul says July 2, 2016

One of the strangest things is when my eyes were actually opened, even though I am the victim, this awareness changes everything, and I simply cannot believe how many people sleep around the narcopath, and from every walk of life, including the pastor of the church she attends, as she has placed him in protector role, and being the most respected of her pawns, and receiving advice from him as her most influential adviser, not knowing she is feeding him the advice which he advises her with.
It is simply awe inspiring to watch outside looking in, even knowing I truly am the victim, I cannot believe how so many (everyone) serves as narcopath supply and are completely oblivious to it, not to mention the frustration that comes from pointing out the most basic obvious contradictions, and what I can only see as preservation of self pride and indulgence those who definitely should be awake by now, rather than accept what they’ve been in her “world”, that being basically fodder, choose to remain a player, as the reality is more than most can comfortably live with.

I could use any advice or informative instruction, as she will have a bachelor’s in pastoral studies and drug and alcohol counseling before this time next year. I’ve wondered why when a narcopath rarely completes any task, she has been so driven, and now I know.
Can you imagine the plethora of nefarious deeds and relationships that will come from unfettered access to those who admittedly are in need of support and healing?
I know now I was merely her test subject, and even if as I sometimes wonder I somehow make it to the survivor of narcopath abuse side, if it’s enough.
If my demise would somehow open some of the myriad of closed eyes and minds, witnessing the treacherous things she says and does, I think it is worth it.
Jesus said; Greater love has no man than this, to lay down his life for others.

I’m specifically looking for anyone who could be of influence in speaking to her school, at least to get a psyche eval in order to continue,because frankly I’m not supposed to be alive right now to write this, as she did everything she was supposed to in order for me to end myself, but if I do, it won’t be today. She didn’t count on the fact that God too has His reasons for allowing her to enter my life, and reader know this, when it comes to confronting evil as evil, I don’t play, and I don’t relent until I believe God decides it’s done. Whether you believe in the existence of God prior to experiencing narc or narcopath abuse, the obvious evil they are makes certain there must be a GOOD in contrast, yes?

So please any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated, as she must be stopped.

samantha leigh says June 30, 2016

Ok everyone….Its been 4 weeks. I am a certified Equine Assisted Psychotherapist and I fell hard for a Narcissist. I met him while dealing with my mother’s last days of her life. He said all the right things…his mother had died as well. It was a one of the lowest times of my life. He moved into my home within months of meeting ( he was helping). I truly was in such deep grief at missing my best friend and biggest fan (mom) that I don’t even remember saying yes to the move…. 3 years later I think I just WOKE up. I allowed him to isolated me from everyone while I hid in grief. I saw him as my soft place. Then the name calling. I never been treated like that in a relationship before and was shock…left him and he did it ALL to get me back. Agree to therapy, accepted the blame, and quit drinking. I was sure it would be different. It ONLY took month to go right back to the behaviors. The food wasn’t right, I flirted with someone, I was 10 minutes late so I was cheating, I was gaining weight. I actually weighed myself and took a picture to show him I had not. It was crazy making!! Last straw was so odd. He got mad at me, Raging, because my grown daughter rescued a puppy with a broken foot. She had it in HER room fostering it till the rescue could do surgery (3 day) . I realized….He is mad at me over a hurt puppy. Something shifted, I was done. Honestly I feel so dumb for falling for something I had training in. BUT can relate to every single thing everyone said about. I too miss him…..He has hoovered like the vacuum he is. I have good days and bad. I have tried to stay busy, reconnect with friends, ect. Reading the above thoughts has made it easier and not so alone. THANK YOU Kim and all the people dealing and healing. Light and love.

    Mary says December 18, 2016

    Samantha, your puppy story…exactly. He would get angry at me for “letting” people in my family think, say and do things…anything that irritated him for any reason. Like I had some sort of power to control others according to HIS wishes. IF I truly knew him, I would at all times foresee what he would need and either cause it to happen or prevent something that might possibly bother or irritate him… Dear God, I could never please him, and I NEVER knew when he was going to be angry or why. I only knew it would all come back on me, without fail. Walking on eggshells. Playing out every possible scenario in my head… “How can I word this, do this, undo this so HE won’t be upset. It didn’t matter. I was always wrong, bad, inconsiderate, foolish; you name it. It would have eventually killed me.

    Samantha coons says April 12, 2020

    Everything that can decline in a human being from narc abuse has happened to me. I’ve stepped away an tried no contact. Then I unblock him cuz I feel like I hurt without him. Some days I know 100% what he is. I’ve been with this covert narc for 33 yrs. In the final faze of discard but he’s not done . I’ve seen an heard an had things done by him I never could have conceived. Other days like today im gaslighting myself an he’s giving me the silent treatment. I know the man I fell in love with doesn’t an has never existed. I felt so alone an that’s because for 33 yrs I was with just a body I handed over my trust to. Yet I just wanna go home an things to be ok this disadance is driving me even crazier. No no let me refraphase I’m not an have never been crazy like he has told me an now o recently found he told everyone that an people won’t talk to me an he tricked me into signing an QUICK DEED OVER TO HIM. Said it was a modification loan. I HATE THAT MONSTER SO MUCH IT MY HEART ACHES FOR MY HUSBAND WHO ISNT REAL. I CANT STAND ANYMORE. All this time I thought I’d thought ,was told an believed everything was my fault an if I would change which is what he’s asking for now again he’ll keep me. But I had to leave cuz I’ve never been an angry person, never sat well within me an rage is insane an I have looked at him recently an I attacked him an cracked his jaw. I felt guilty an I know if I go home his house I guess u could say cuz now my name is off the deed but I will always carry the debt. One of us will die. Probably me because when I put him in a rage I can’t stop an since I hate even stepping on a bug I’m pretty sure I’ll force him to kill me. One night I was relentless telling him what he was an I even said things I felt were cruel but couldn’t stop. He literally curled up an was very quiet while I went on an on an grabbing while saying things. I saw that little scared boy so clearly an my heart breaks for him . But he is not that little victimized boy. He’s buried or almost gone. I’ve almost been completely erased. Found myself manipulating him to get what I needed an I felt sick because of it. He’s all the things that he says I am an tells me looking me right in the eyes an say I did something the night before that he,God an I know that it was him. If I’m experiencing that trauma bond it is excruciating anmakes my selfloathing go to a whole other level. Which I never experienced selfhatred before I got with him. I don’t wanna keeping fighting inside myself. I’d rather die. I’m so tired of feeling stupid an repeating my stupidity. Thank you for listening even though in my experience noone seems to care. But at least if anyone of u or God bless u klm, y’all won’t call me a crazy liar. I wish everyone who is or has similar issues with narc abuse all the best an remember when they talk badly about u to u try very hard to hold on to the reality that they r talking about themselves. God bless u all my narc evenruined communication with God for me. An I’ll never trust anyone because until u know the person behind the eyes could be a cowardly, hiddin monster. Ty again for your forum Kim

undone daisy says June 23, 2016

I was with him for 15 miserable years. I attempted suicide twice and then had an accidental overdose where I was actually dead for nearly 45 minutes. I didn’t even understand why I was doing it. but I had two sons with him and wanted to leave with all my heart, but felt i couldnt, somehow when I awoke from that last close call, my inner strength was

    undone daisy says June 23, 2016

    miraculously restored. I left my sons to get away and have not been able to see them yet. ive been gone for 14 months and divorced since last december. I feel terrible that I couldn’t take them with me, but I barely made it out alive. I tried to go see them last week and had to file a police report against him d or making death threats against me, my boys are age 4 and 13. he has turned the older one against me already. but I know that it’s better to be absent than dead.

Carly says October 31, 2015

I would love to never have to speak to my ex-narc ever again. However we have 2 very young children together so this is not an option for me. We were together 10 years and his assault was a slow and effective one. He won many battles but not the war. I am still here. After 18 months apart I am finally able to look myself in the eye in the mirror and not be ashamed. But sometimes, sometimes, I hear the shells falling either over the phone arranging a child drop off or in my mind when something happens to trigger a memory. Those are the tough days. The days when I think maybe he was / is right. Maybe I am the manipulative, selfish, useless one. Maybe…

    Kim Saeed says November 1, 2015

    Carly – I don’t hear the echoes of my Ex’s voice anymore, shouting those horrible accusations at me, but I’m not sure the echoes in themselves ever really go away 100% because I heard similar ones as a child. Most of the triggers I experience go way back before I even met my Ex, though he did have a way of bringing them all into the conscious mind where I could be tortured by them.

    You’re not any of those things. That’s your negative narrative script running. That’s why I love guided meditations…they help re-write them <3

Lori says October 24, 2015

Phew! What a spot-on description of my hellish 14 year marriage. Held my breath while reading the part about the POW treatment. I soberly realized I was in a war, a prison withot bars. I took my 3 children+escaped to a shelter. Got sole custody(he wanted his pension+money in exchange). I wanted to protect my children. It has been no contact for 22 years…and exhale. I cherish the small things+love that my children remind me of their grandparents, who helped me raise them. I have also gained wisdom.
Thank you for this sobering article on what so many lives are still entangled in.

    Kim Saeed says November 1, 2015

    …and thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience, Lori. I am glad you took the leap of faith and got out. I’m glad for you and your children. You are a warrior <3

Identifying Victim Mentality: Why Some People Choose to Be Victims - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing says October 7, 2015

[…] 3 Best-Kept Narcissistic Secrets that Will Make Everything Clear […]

peggy tate says September 10, 2015

Have read and re-read this post so many times !!! This one in particular gave me the strength to leave. Kim, I thank God everyday for you and your help ! So many thanks to you. You have saved my life !

nevereveragain says September 8, 2015

Thank you, Kim. Excellent post that hits the nail on the head for my relationship that I can FINALLY say I am free from. I’ve been no contact since May and have been working on me. “But, it all requires detaching from the narcissist in your life. Once you’ve done that and created some distance from the relationship, you can move forward towards healing and see that black clouds often do have silver linings.”
Truer words have never been spoken. After several months of no contact, I have realized that silver lining. I met a wonderfully sweet, kind, loving, empathatic, considerate man at my 30th class reunion. We’ve been together 6 weeks and what a dream. I had no idea how wonderful the right relationship could be. I’m beyond blessed and I must say it all started with you and your blog. Your words gave me the strength to finally love myself and believe that I deserved better. One last time as I don’t believe I will be stopping by here that often, but THANK YOU….from the deepest part of my heart. nevereveragainxo

jlewis3047 says September 7, 2015

I had a ex lover from my past call me the other day and sayed he missed my cooking. A light bulb went on …all this time the Narko was telling me my food was not to his approval. Everytime i put more effort in the meals to fit his standards he made complaints. He rejected my food at every chance. He even chose a cup of noodles over a meal I put a lot of effort in. The mesaage that i didnt get was he has no standards. He just wanted to exercise the act rejecting me.
My daughter….Godmother and friends rave about how good I cook. The Narko will displace all your talents until you think you have none.

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2015

    I’d LOVE to try your cooking, jlewis3047 🙂

      jlewis3047 says September 8, 2015

      Thanks Kim…I now use the Narko as a barometer to measure how well I’m healing. I wonder why we seek validation from them their totally not worthy of given an opinion when their opinion is all about making someone feel bad. Let me tell you even his silent treatment is working for me I use that time to self sooth. Before long they come looking for you if they have no one to project on to. Again I use him for emotional bootcamp.

safirefalcon says September 7, 2015

For me it’s a family member. I have awoken to this reality a while ago. I still don’t always feel like I accept it though, but that doubt is lessening as time goes on.

I doubt it at times probably because we were close as children and it really is sad. Thing is, she doesn’t tick every box for NPD. But she does tick enough to make it a bad situation.

Articles like this wake me up even further to see what really went on.

I saw above in your response to a comment that these kinds of posts don’t bring in the readers like other types of posts do. And that makes me go, “Huh?”

It’s one of those that either gives you another piece to the cog/dis puzzle or reminds you of it. Thank you.

Ellebelle2015 says September 5, 2015

About the: Silent treatments work best after you’ve isolated yourself from your friends and family. It is really true. I should know, because we have a LAT relation for over 4 years in which he sometimes behaved strangely, but when I left my home town to move to his town, he suddenly started the silent treatment and running out of the house, when he was, what he called, being offended by me. He offended me and when I stood up for myself it was turned around.
It took me 30 years to figure out, what was happening. Don’t take such a long time as I did.

    Anonymous says September 9, 2015

    I too left after 30 years. I found out about his affair and it was so opposite of the brainwashing I had undergone. …who tells their spouse if I find someone I’ll tell you, “he was a great catch and had so much to bring to the table” wtf. …where was I for so long.
    Everyone else could see this guy was a total jerk, even his/our kids saw it. It was almost as if he never really existed in our relationship, just emotionally unavailable.
    After reading about emotional abuse and the tell tale signs, they were all there. I thought maybe someday he’d realize how I was killing myself to please him. That day would never come….even if I lived to be 100.
    All the best, you will find yourself again and just knowing we don’t have to go through this daily is peace.
    God Bless. Keep praying, God is listening.

Peggy Tate says September 4, 2015

finally got the strength……..leaving in 25 days……scary, but well worth it. To all othres : I am 65 and DOING IT ! You can too. Thank you Kim !!! (and Sam Vaknin !)

    Kim Saeed says September 5, 2015

    Woo Hoo! That’s wonderful news, Peggy! You’re a rock star 🙂

      peggy tate says September 5, 2015

      so many thanks!!!!! w/out your input/intelligence I could never have done this ! prayers for courage ??

    Paulette Mackay says July 21, 2016

    I am 65 as well and left six months ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wish things were different. Every day is a struggle. One step forward and two steps back. Many tears and doubts. Hopefully this will pass in time. My heart is full of pain especially that after many years of marriage I was replaced within a few weeks and his life happily goes on. Unfortunately mine is not. I pray for strength for myself and anyone else in this position.

      Paulette Mackay says November 11, 2016

      I must add that 4 months after I wrote that comment my life is finally becoming ‘normal’ whatever that is. I often think about the fact that he never once asked me to stay but gladly helped me move. His new love was there within days. He has ruined me emotionally and financially for the time being but I am sure I will be much better. He has lost everything. His wife, children, grandchildren and friends and now has only the girlfriend. I sure hope she’s worth it!!!!!!!!!!!

Bette says September 4, 2015

It saddens me that Sam Vaknin equates [capital “G”] God with adjectives such as “ruthless, capricious, unfathomable, devoid of scruples…” that would be Satan. The omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent would be God. Let us not fall into the confusion that our loving God is anything but loving. From the believer, the Holy Spirit bears fruit of wisdom, joy, peace, love, self-discipline, humility, strength, power. It is knowing and believing this that enables us to endure and heal; to give us the discernment to see with clarity the Truth and to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually (and hopefully physically) from such wickedness and sickness that occupies the heart, mind and spirit of the narc. Let us work on ourselves and let God judge and determine their fate.

grateful says September 4, 2015

Dear Kim,

Your website and facebook page have helped me so much these past few months, especially the past few weeks. I don’t have a facebook account but I could read your page because it is public. I also found Detoxify You through your page. If you know them, can you please relay my thanks to them? You all helped me get through some very hard moments. I have been so touched by your generosity of time, spirit, compassion, and understanding. I can’t thank you all enough for all that you have done. You have been like angels to me. I hope to someday be able to help others like you all have. You are so appreciated. I hope that you and they can know that. Thank you for all that you do!

Leslie says September 4, 2015

Thank you I needed support today, well every day. Today, was perfect timing. I would like to suggest a movie American Psycho, it helped me get it…….plus Christian Bale (sp?) Hes a hotty. I love the bad good guys. It truly is why a people pleaser such as myself like characters such as the one in American Psycho…..orLast Tango in Paris….Stella……

Anonymous says September 3, 2015

Although I am in therapy still for N-abuse, it heartens me t read your posts. Do not ever stop.
I would love for the 3rd party my N brought into the mix to see these but I guess she will just have to find out for sad really that this disorder can not be contained. My therapist tells me that N’s never get it, it is always the other person s fault, that is the crazy making part.
Thank you for getting it!

Cindy says September 3, 2015

Going no contact was definitely the right decision but it sure as heck wasn’t the easiest. I thought I was just going to have to cut ties with him, I soon found out differently. He was just the 1st step the other family members slowly but surely showed their true colors. I didn’t ask anyone to pick a side nope I picked who I wanted in my life and lucky for me those people were the same people who were there before I met him..during my relationship with him..and last but not least the ones that were there in the end that were confused about my behavior and that I should be glad he is gone. These people stayed after I replied to them you don’t know the whole story and then they stuck around and listened to me ramble, sat with me and watched tv and checked on me when I would go into seclusion from the world. I know every situation is different so I wanted to make sure I knew any and everything about these evil people…after I found my voice…I let go of all the crap I couldn’t change and learned for real that I could forgive myself of these things…it was a day of my independence. ..I had one last meeting with my ex and at first he was intimidating over the phone (I could tell he was putting on a show for an audience ) so at first I just let him run his mouth until he hit my last nerve and I came back swinging. I told him he was a liar and a hypocrite. Then I said look up narcissistic sociopath he said I don’t know what that is..I chuckled and said then go read the book of Titus. After that I hung up and because I have him blocked we have never spoken since that day on the phone. Our last email communication was about 4 weeks ago and that was in response to something I did but didn’t admit I did to him. I told him he was delusional as usual. What I did was something I wished someone would have done for me so just know I wasn’t trying to be mean or break them up because I want him back it was nothing like that. Under a alia name I sent her the “letter to the new woman” I’m pretty sure everyone has seen or read it and for me it was spot on about my relationship with him. I wasn’t expecting her to believe it anymore than I would have 13 years ago. But it sure would have helped in connecting the dots and trying to keep my own sanity because I was a lost soul and I had no clue what was happening. .I knew there was something I just didn’t know it was as big as it turned out to be. When I Google I certainly wasn’t looking for this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone because it was awful. ..and sometimes still it feels awful but I can say I’m better than I was yesterday and I’m sure as hell happier than I was 5 weeks ago. My baby steps are my mountains and not everyone gets it and that’s ok..I’m still moving forward with positive attitude and not looking back with regret. God placed me in that path and He brought me through it so that’s where faith comes in.

Sue says September 3, 2015

I was married to what I now know was a narc for 39 years 2 kids, now 41 and 38, is it possible that my children have inherited the narc gene? They tel me I’m selfish as I fell apart when he left, I should have realised he was sick but felt it was all my fault he was doing Internet dating and more, emotional, physical and financial abuse. Why do my kids not see I was unable to see reality?

    miss kitty says June 22, 2016

    It doesn’t seem fair does it? Keep praying and never allow yourself to that level your ex is on. One day your kids might get it. Personally I think you should move away from them and live Your LIFE! Your way! Forget them right now they will only hurt you more. They’ll survive without you. Your ex was their role model. Family sometimes needs to be off our ,it’d and to go no contact or minimal contact. Find a support group you like. Good luck,

Heart Shaped Eyes says September 3, 2015

It’s been years since I’ve detached from the narc, but it was insane how many more were lurking like magnets. Co workers, my ex husbands new wife was a narc which meant co parenting was a blast. Thank god the red flags are usually loud and clear after. The silent treatment as a response to healthy self championing or boundaries is a huge red flag for me and trigger….I totally run from that and love bombing. Thank you for your articles they keep me on my toes.

susanbotchie says September 3, 2015

Narcs! Talk about the mystery of iniquity. Bible has lots to say about these wicked people – their rotten fruit is overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s all i can do to not hate these snakes back.

irenedesign2011 says September 3, 2015

Those advices are working well Kim 😉

    Kim Saeed says September 3, 2015

    Thank you, Irene <3

Karin says September 3, 2015

Gah!! I still read your posts Kim but in truth, there are one or two that I skim by necessity.
It IS war and I came out with PTSD, among other fun things (heavy irony) there. Even this far along, the Narc has been deceased for over a year now, there are some words that catapult me right back into specific occurrences, such as you’ve mentioned and I find myself angry all over again…
I’m going to say for the newly aware Targets of a Narc, read and absorb these words – they WILL help you and now I’m going to run away (figuratively speaking) to my flower and happy place posts 🙂
Hope all is well where you are. K~xx

    Kim Saeed says September 3, 2015

    Hi Karin! So wonderful to see you here. I can relate to the PTSD triggers. I still have them sometimes, but nowhere near the intensity that I used to. It’s really ironic that the posts I write about healing and recovery (including how-to’s and step-by-step guides) hardly garner attention. I love to write about that stuff! Even though they don’t attract many people, I’ll still continue to write them 🙂 Have fun with your fun posts!

      Karin says September 3, 2015

      What?! I can only guess that sometimes the truth of what we have to do to get away from Narc-holes, is a bit too much for people to grasp. I have you linked all over the place over on my corner and can only hope the message gets through. I have many silent visitors, I’m sure you do too so keep up the posts! I will never stop telling those who ask that your words and concrete advice saved my sanity and likely my life. You are so appreciated by me, my close friends and family. Everyday. <3

      judy crosariol says September 4, 2015

      Please keep writing. I think you just saved my life. Thank you!

      Lulu says September 9, 2015

      I’m here, quietly standing in the corner trying to figure out which way to go; how to escape without losing everything. But, I’m paying attention.

        Kim Saeed says September 10, 2015

        Paying attention is a very good first step, Lulu…

          want to get it says December 17, 2016

          these peeps always sneak up on me at work because it’s like everyone drank the koolaide and expects us all to act like these peeps just need love :O

        Pat Kline says July 14, 2016

        I left quietly. He never saw it coming but did I ever walk on egg shells until that moving company has me packed up and out of his house. Karma will come to him one day and it won’t be good KarmaI have been NC since Nov 26th 2015. They are evil and the devil he never deserved me and everything I did for him….. But I no longer have to deal with any of his bs, good luck to the next one, she’s going to need it. Yes he also put me through a very ugly cruel and vulgar smear campaign on fb but once he goes through the next one and he will his friends will see WHO is the one with the real problem ……… Glad to be free from himb

      Kaylene says April 3, 2017

      Please, please tell me where to find these sites because I’ve been trying to heal for ten long years after an 18 year marriage to a malignant narcissist who divorced me then took our children. My children are grown now and the nightmare has never stopped as I see him now doing to them the same thing he started doing to me when I was in my 20’s. It never ends.

mary says September 3, 2015

My ex ticked all the above three boxes, especially the silent treatment one. I’ve gone no contact for 8 weeks now and I’m finding it difficult. But I know that I won’t break it. Some days are harder than others. I know he didn’t deserve me and I know that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m not nearly ready to meet someone else yet but I pray that in time, God will bless me with someone who is my equal in every way. ..but most especially in an emotional and moral way. To all of you who are going through a difficult time. ….keep busy and remember your self worth.

    August says September 17, 2015

    Mary, I’m almost three weeks of NC w my N and it is so hard at times, then others I feel so much joy and accomplishment at being able to be strong enough to recognize his Hoover attempts and ignore them. But for some reason, when he doesn’t Hoover, I get so sad. It’s crazy the hold they have on us at times. I don’t want that life back, I just want to feel like maybe I did mean something to him (although I know through all my research this is a fantasy and they are incapable of real emotion). I guess it’s BC I’m not disordered like him that I feel this way. I am obviously disordered enough in an empath way BC I did allow the abuse without even realizing it was abuse, but I can feel real emotion and Ns can not. It is so hard for me to wrap my head around the concept of not feeling for anyone. I hate that I miss him at times and I realize what I miss didn’t exist. Even knowing all of that… It is still so hard to not think about him. I know it gets easier and some days it is easy. Today is just not one of those days.
    I don’t have much of a support system so I’ve taken to blogs to post my feelings and it’s helped a ton. Just writing my feelings to someone who genuinely understands is so therapeutic and takes some of the “missing him” away and brings me back down to reality.

    FreeSpirit says November 9, 2015

    If we lived in a just world, these creatures would all be exterminated like the cockroaches they truly are.

      Chauntelle Russell says March 30, 2017


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