outsmart a narcissist

5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations

Sharing is caring

Searching for ways to outsmart a narcissist?

How many times have you engaged in frustrating arguments with a narcissistic individual, only to come to self-defeating “compromises” in which they made you feel utterly responsible for their relationship crimes (and possibly had you apologizing for their errors)?

Have you forgiven the narcissist a ridiculous number of times for lying, cheating, watching porn, and frequent disappearing acts, yet came away with preposterous so-called “resolutions” that you’d be mortified to share with your closest friend?

How often have you settled into a false sense of security after the narcissist apologized and hoovered you, only to get punched in the gut when you discovered they were still cheating, and in fact, never stopped?

If this sounds like your life, following are some manipulation hacks that you can use starting today:

Cheap shots and Blame-shifting

Narcissists are so good at getting away with blame-shifting because their targets actually spend time reflecting on how their own behaviors affect the people in their lives.  For example, if the person you love ruthlessly claims that they watch porn because you: gained weight, stopped working out, got pregnant, aren’t adventurous enough – then you probably believed them and started an action plan to correct your so-called flaws.

Manipulation-Hack – The dark truth is that cheating and watching porn are the average narcissist’s favorite things to do[1].  I’ve been working with narcissistic abuse victims for years, and even those who look like models are cheated on, lied to, and experience the humiliation of their partner’s PIED.

Narcissists cheat because they are devoid of morals; they get bored; they like having cyber-sex with an image from the internet catalog; they use sex as a tool to hook their targets.  As an added bonus, they use cheating as a form of triangulation to keep you in a perpetual state of fighting for their attention and working overtime to prove your worth.

The bottom line is that they do all of these things because they are utterly incapable of forming a true and sincere bond with their partners.  They may be good lovers (at least, in the beginning), but it’s not because they truly love you.  They get a thrill from the newness and novelty of having a new intimate partner.  Once the novelty wears off, the relationship spirals down very quickly.  

This is why you should never, ever jump into a commitment too soon when in a new relationship.  

Rehab, Counseling, and Yellow-Brick Roads

Whether it’s promises of getting treatment for their “sex addiction”, anger issues, or lack of employment, Narcissists promise all over themselves that they will change so that the two of you can “get back on track and live the life you’ve been dreaming of”.  It all seems so real when they pretend to eat humble pie after you point out how hurtful their actions have been.  When they believe you are serious about leaving, it’s all, “I care about you and don’t want to lose you.  Let’s find a good counselor so we can fix this.  You deserve better”

Manipulation-Hack – Narcissists agree to counseling for a few different reasons, none of them related to making your relationship better. 

What typically happens in a “therapeutic setting” is that the Narcissist uses it as a stage to make themselves look like the victim, further invalidating their abused partner.  You can read more about why therapy with the narcissist is a lost cause in my article, Why Going to Therapy with the Narcissist is a Bad Idea.

In all my years teaching on the subject of narcissistic abuse and recovery, I haven’t encountered a single instance where a narcissistic individual improved their behaviors long-term.  I have, however, had former clients contact me months or years after working with me, lamenting over how they wish they’d followed my recommendations because they’d been horribly fooled by the narcissist in their lives and were in much worse shape than before.

Torn Between Two Lovers

Though Narcissists genuinely enjoy hiding their affairs, there’s another manipulation technique they often enjoy even more – shacking up with a new lover whom they say they just met, but in reality, has been seeing for the past few months behind your back. 

They tell you they were so lonely when you broke up with them (over their cheating), that they unsuspectedly fell into the arms of a new lover.  But, they still somehow love you and want to make it work.  They just have to find a way to let the new supply down easy because they’ve fallen madly in love with the narcissist during the course of a whole three days (as they would have you believe – but in reality, has been seeing for some time).

Manipulation-Hack:  What’s happened is that the new supply isn’t fully drinking the Kool-Aid.  Right now, they’re sipping it through a coffee straw and the Narcissist isn’t sure they’ll make good supply.

Another possible outcome is that the narcissist has absolutely no plans to leave the new lover, and instead plans on keeping both of you in the “Pick Me” queue, wherein they can extract copious quantities of narcissistic supply, while simultaneously having you believe they’re just a skip away from breaking it off with new person.

Or, perhaps the narcissist simply wants to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.

That’s the extent of all possible outcomes.  Don’t fall for the “torn lover” act.

Facebook Fantasy Land

I’d be curious to know how many narcissistic abuse victims have had to go on medications, or worse – lost their jobs – over the Narcissist’s FB postings.  Facebook is by far one of the biggest reasons people have a harder time letting go when trying to break free.

There’s the Narcissist, smiling with their new partner in front of a little grass hut in Bora Bora, flashing a fat engagement ring at the camera. 

Manipulation-Hack:  These posts are premeditated and designed to manage others’ impression of the Narcissist, as follows:

  • For You – See how they’re so happy with the new person? So insanely joyful that they ran off and got engaged in less than a week?  Maybe the problem was you, after all?!  First of all, no healthy person meets, falls in love, and gets married in less than a week, save perhaps arranged marriages in third world countries.  This was all being thought out and planned before your relationship with the Narcissist was even over.
  • For Friends and Family – Look everybody! I’ve found the love of my life and we’re going to live happily ever after!  This is an act designed to complement the smear campaign that the Narcissist began waging against you even before the two of you broke up.

Those without a conscience are able to get away with their sadistic stunts through impression management.  Sandra Brown, the author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, describes how Narcissists are able to get away with their pathology in a believable way,

He social-climbs into everyone’s good graces using charisma, a good sense of humor, and an optimistic outlook (at least on the surface).  If his mask should slip a bit, he simply ‘impression manages’ his way right back into positive believability”.

What better way to do that than through everyone’s favorite social media platform?

Crickets and Tumbleweeds

The general modus operandi of the garden-variety narcissist is to hoover into infinity, as follows: They cheat, the two of you break up, they hoover, you forgive…and the crazy cycle continues for sometimes decades unless you put a stop to it by detaching and going No Contact.

However, there’s another demographic who writes into the forums because they’ve heard about how the Narcissist persistently hoovers, but they haven’t seen hide nor hair of them in eight months, so that must mean their ex wasn’t a Narcissist, after all.  Maybe they could have changed and I gave up too soon!! 

Manipulation-Hack:  The most common reason for this scenario is that the narcissist in question was a cerebral narcissist.  However, other narcissists may fit these criteria for other reasons including:

  • They no longer want to put forth effort for damage control – ergo, they’d rather move on to new supply who won’t figure them out for a while.  A fresh slate is an easy slate.
  • They had sufficient supply lined up before the two of you split, which may include numerous targets.
  • You can’t be of benefit because they already drained you of everything.

In closing, if these manipulations are being played out in your relationship, it’s crucial that you don’t internalize them to mean that you deserve this kind of treatment or in any way caused it.  Further, if you find yourself unable to leave your toxic relationship, it’s likely because you’re experiencing high levels of cognitive dissonance and C-PTSD and it’s vital that you find a way to outsmart a narcissist and break free from the nightmare because, the truth is, your relationship will never get better.

Breaking Free From Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Even if you’re struggling with narcissistic victim syndrome, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to this destiny forever. You can restore your sense of control. You can embrace a healthier way of living and loving.

Whether you’re just discovering you are dealing with narcissistic abuse or are trying to heal from a narcissistic relationship, here are some helpful tips and resources:  

1 – The Beginner’s Healing Toolkit is a free resource that includes everything you need to get started on healing your life after narcissistic abuse.

2 – The Essential Break Free Bootcamp – Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

3 – The THRIVE program – Rediscover your lost self after narcissistic abuse (and prepare yourself for true love).

The Bottom Line

Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But, it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift.⠀Helpful tools and resources can assist you in developing effective ways to break free from narcissistic abuse. 

[1] Narcissists Watch More Porn.  (2015, January 10).  In PsychCentral.  Retrieved 6/23/2015 from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2015/01/narcissists-watch-more-porn-enter-eroticized-rage/

Sharing is caring

Leave a Comment:

M says July 19, 2023

Twitter is the main type of social media for my husband. It was supposed to be for his job at first (his boss required that of all the employees).
But I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t use it so much in a professional way anymore.

Last year I joined Twitter after I became suspicious of his activity, both online and real life.
I felt like he was hiding things and acting shady. My feelings were somewhat justified because I found nudes of other women that had been sent to him, an email where he told a male friend about how he thinks escorts are “better”, and then he also freaked out on vacation because he was obviously afraid that somebody (another woman?) would see pictures of us from the trip.

So I joined Twitter in an attempt to play detective. I should not have to do this in my marriage, or any relationship.
Nobody should be placed in a position where they can’t trust their partner. I think that he has now finally realized that I’m on Twitter and I’ve seen his profile, so he is now being more careful.
I’m locked out of Twitter now so I can’t see anything anymore.

He has lied about very important things in our marriage since day 1 (like he said he wanted kids, but told other people that he wants to be “childfree”).
He lied when I asked him if he had sex with anybody else since we’ve been married. I just knew he was lying. I could tell…he wouldn’t even look at me. He also won’t let me accompany him to anything work-related at all. There are excuses about how spouses are never allowed at events, parties, etc. I feel like this is yet another lie to cover up his activities.
We’ve been married 15 years. I don’t know most of the people he works with. He seems to keep a lot of secrets, and to keep parts of his life compartmentalized.

When we are together, he uses speakerphone on calls with his family and certain coworkers…almost in a way like “my wife is present so I’m warning you not to say anything incriminating”.
Some of these folks are also a bit racist too, as it turns out…and I’m a minority. So maybe he is also telling them not to slip up on speakerphone. I’m starting to feel like these are some fake people and that I married a person who seems outwardly nice, but has another side to him.
This scares me because look at people like Chris Watts, for example. He fooled a lot of people including his wife.

Social media activity with a narc (or possible narc) can indicate a lot. If a person seems to hide the fact that they are married or otherwise in a relationship, that is a red flag.
They are lying to their spouse and they are lying to the new supply.

    M says July 19, 2023

    Also, I wanted to add this…I know I’m far from perfect. I have depression, I’m not great at keeping house, etc.
    My employment history (due to disability and depression) has been spotty. So I’m not perfect in many ways.
    But that doesn’t make it OK for him to lie, to cheat, and to have all this weird shit going on.

    Like dude…just tell the truth! I think what hurts is also the fact that for years, he rejected me sexually.
    He would call me “selfish” for even trying to hug him and was using porn to satisfy himself. He would only have sex when he felt like it, which was either right before my period or very rarely.
    My self-confidence went down even more. At that time, I gained about 60 lbs. and looked horrible. I felt ugly and neglected. I had never been overweight until then, and I felt so unattractive. I would ask him if he was cheating, which he denied.

    I couldn’t lose the weight no matter what (I am now back down to a healthy weight finally!)
    But I was overweight and I also had HPV which I now believe he caught from another woman and gave to me.
    I may not be perfect, but I don’t deserve to be lied to. Nobody does. I also see myself more clearly now.
    We have to heal the damage to our self-esteem. I may not be perfect but I’m smart, kind, pretty in my own way, I’m loyal, caring, etc.
    There are people who will appreciate me and recognize these qualities in me too.

    So to anyone healing from abuse or mistreatment, keep your head up. You are brave souls and you deserve love, honesty, sincerity, joy and peace.

Cheryl says March 23, 2021

I really liked this article, I found it very useful!

Stephanie says February 17, 2018

I live with one. Not married been together since February 2009 to present date. We have certain possessions that neither are willingly to give to the other to finish paying off. I am currently applying for loan for a truck he helped me get using his credit but I make all the payments. Bank is getting papers together. He has been trying to make me look like I am crazy. Telling his players that I am crazy and he needs to take care of me because he made a promise to his grandmother (diseaced now) that he would always take care of me but I don’t think he ever made that promise. He knows I made that promise to her about him, his handicapped brother and his aunt so now he is choosing to use it in reverse to serve his purposes. I found his fake facebooks (3) and when I told him he threw his phone at my face and busted my lip and loosened 4 teeth that I have to have pulled because I can’t chew anything with them but soft food. He tried to force me to go into hospital and get checked for insanity but I called local police in the parking lot and they told both of us that if he had actually forced me I could have pressed charges for kidnapping. We agreed that I would go back to my doctor and get checked. I started going to this doctor back in November 2017 when I had to get checked and found out he gave me trichomonaisis and I was treated. He refused to believe he contracted it. He has been my only partner for last 9 years. He has been cheating since 2015. I kept catching little things. He has a secret phone that he keeps on him all the time now. I hear it vibrate from time to time and he looks away . I stopped accusing him, arguing with him. We made a deal that I would go see another doctor cuz he wasn’t satisfied with my doctors decision that there was nothing more wrong with me. We agreed to see another doctor and if that doctor said there was nothing wrong with me or that there was something wrong with him that he would let me leave peaceably with everything he gave me or bought for me or that I bought with no problems from him. He said we will go to bank and refinance the truck and get his name off and only in my name. 2nd doctor said if he was exposed he needs to be treated. He was dumbfounded. I recorded the deal we made on my phone voice recorder and sent copies to my email and family members. He has his players drive by the farm, stalk me in town, vandalize one of my trucks (I can’t prove it was them) but he also has them show up EVERYWHERE we go be it grocery shopping, an expo, flea market etc…they all wear same kind of clothing I wear (camo or all black or combo of both) they now trade their vehicles to drive trucks. He is trying to turn them into me. But he DOESN’T want me to leave him either! I work with him. He has his own logging business and I have been his skidder driver for last 9 years along with on and off his loader for last 8.5 years. We started out dating when I had been taking care of his grandmother 2 years prior to when we first met. I have helped him build his company to where it is now for last 9 years. New equipment, better semi trucks, built up his personal possessions such as new tractor for farm, rtv maintenance vehicles (2) one of them I paid half then he bought new one (which is what I use as my own but it’s in his name) and he agreed to use the old one for himself cuz it’s easier to get in and out of than the newer one which is an enclosed cab) we each paid half on a pull along trailer that’s in my name, then we still making payments on a stock trailer (he wanted to haul animals with) and an enclosed trailer that I wanted for just in case when I first started seeing signs of I might be needing it to leave him. Both in my name but we split the payment in half. He just recently pushed for me to get a new truck again this past December even though I didn’t NEED one cuz I am still paying on my 2014 truck (in his name) this new one is in my name only…I made sure of that. He thought if he helped talk me into getting a new truck and he pays half that I would just accept his ways and look the other way. I had been giving him silent treatment, cold shoulder and sarcasm for months now until January. We started having sex again and he had his player show up at flea market and follow us around like a dog in heat. Found her on Facebook and I opened a Facebook just for them with a picture of him on it and I invited both of them to it but neither accepted but they check my posts everyday! I tell All his dirt with only using first name for any of them.i post rotten ecards with an occasional additional personal comment pertaining to him. I had managed to scare off one of his players when I posted he gave me an std and only a doctor can treat him for what he has and refuses to believe. There are 2 major players that are good friends and work together, one he already messed with who gave him the trichomonaisis and the other he is trying to mess with now. She has been driving by the farm and I sat out at the end of driveway last weekend to watch her drive by so she could see him fixing the driveway on his bulldozer. I make comments to her rubbing it in her face about believing in her church of God. So I make remarks about infidelity and Gods laws and go back to her church of God and ask preacher for forgiveness that he can’t give cuz he ain’t Jesus or God to do so. He can’t stand it when he doesn’t have ALL the attention. I think that’s what started our problems. He hates it when somebody gives me a compliment for what I do. He cuts me down at every chance he can. His parents gave him everything he has ever wanted cuz their oldest son is mentally challenged because his mother eloped with her own uncle and did it on purpose cuz they both knew they were related and wouldn’t listen to the family when they were told. So my boyfriend inherited his daday’s Logging business and for a couple years he was the only employee til we met then it was the 2 of us for a couple years then he hired a truck driver. Now he has 3 truck drivers. I have finally come to the decision that I am coming first, and I am going to get what I can get him to buy for me and stash away money for when I am ready to leave him. Within a week or 2 I should get the loan with a little extra money I am going to put on my credit cards to boost my credit score and hopefully in a few months time I can buy myself a brand new RV that I want , and in my name ONLY so I can leave it bout having to worry about where am I going to live with my kids. My youngest will be 18 in a couple months but still has another school year to go. My son works out in the woods with my boyfriend now. My boyfriend is 18 years younger than I am. I am 49 but I don’t look my age. More and more people are finding out about our situation. Some I have told and others are somehow involved with it. I have found that things go more my way when I give him cold shoulder and silent treatment. But that’s just my personal observation and it may not be true with ALL narcissists. When I choose to talk to him I make sarcastic remarks that refer to him and his actions and he shuts up for a while. Then he is back to trying to find stupid things to talk about to try and make me laugh and I ignore it. I won’t look at him and I avoid touching him. I sleep on purpose in my recliner until he falls asleep and then I crawl into bed only to wake up with his arm draped over me hugging me. He can’t call me out on the Facebook posts without giving away that he has seen them (which he gave away last week) and I thanked him for reading my posts. He didn’t know what to say on that. When you don’t entertain their need for attention they crave it more. I am now just trying to get him to go along with refinancing the truck in my name and getting him to fix my teeth and add accessories to my trucks that he has promised and save more money til I know I have enough to survive on when I leave until I find another job.i was planning on leaving Virginia but I might have to stay in Virginia until my youngest finishes homeschool next school year. They HAVE to have FULL CONTROL and ALL the attention. If a guy talks to me in front of him, he gets all pissed off. He hasn’t taken it out on me physically, yet but I suspect that will change. I just avoid any talking with other guys around him. During that physical taker ation we had back in October 2017 he also scratched my neck when he tried to keep me from leaving the house. Which I found out by local police when we were in hospital parking lot that I can still press charges against him for that but through the sheriffs office cuz it was not done in town limits which was their jurisdiction. There is ALWAYS a fine line to walk when dealing with these kinds of people so I don’t advise using my tactics to others, I have just figured out on my own observations what works and what doesn’t with him. Once I get that loan ( loan manager has told me they think they can do it I just have to come in and do paperwork and she is inclined to doing it because he does business with them on multiple loans so I have to play it cool) I need him to sign bill of sale for pay off amount and he won’t do it if I give him h#ll right now so I have to bite my tongue nd become an actress to get what I want him to do to secure my financial situation. Once I secure the loan I have to continue to behave so he can buy accessories for my trucks and I am sure he is going to take his sweet time getting those to keep me around so I have stopped posting of that Facebook. I have given names of the girls that he has been messing with to certain family members that don’t live anywhere near so he will have no chance of getting it away from them. I did that just in case I “accidentally or mysteriously end up in hospital or missing or dead “ so the sheriffs will know where to begin and all who might have been involved. Of course they will look at him first but he is VERY slick in making it look like he is the victim and I was the one who was at fault. He still denies having Facebook accounts and hidden cell phone and the girls he been messing with but I hear his hidden phone vibrate in his pocket and he can’t say it’s his regular phone when his regular phone is sitting on arm of couch on charger facing up for when it rings it will light up but it didn’t light up when the vibration started and kept going! I am biding my time and playing the game MY way to get what “ I want” then I will slowly start packing up what I am going to take with me and locking it up. He likes to take little things of mine like my extra e-cig batteries and throw them in the yard so they get ruined when it rains or my Bluetooth ear pieces or my music flash drives. I have gone through COUNTLESS flash drives and Bluetooth pieces for the last few years that I have to keep them on me or hid from him. My 2014 truck only has 2 keys but I have hid the 2nd so he can’t lock me out of that truck even though it’s in his name, the bank knows the money comes out of my bank account each month since day one and I keep both keys to my new truck on me. He takes pleasure in hiding shit from me or throwing them away when I’m not looking. So I have delighted in returning the favor by taking his tools out of his shop and throwing them into the big deep pond in front of the house. He can’t swim good so I know he won’t be going after them! They aren’t stolen, just misplaced. Into the pond he just doesn’t know it. I recommend to others to get documentation through doctors or local police or sheriffs. Voice recordings, pictures of people stalking and showing up everywhere they go. Then if it all goes to court to have their attorney ask the judge to request ALL messages to and from all parties involved on all social networks. It IS possible for an attorney to get those through proper procedures with Facebook and Instagram to prove sanity or deceit from manipulating parties involved. If I have to take this to court I will. I already researched it and attornies that know how to deal with social media can get it done but you have to FIND that attorney. If you want to ask any other questions contact me through my email cuz I don’t answer unknown phone calls anymore. And I don’t want to change my number just yet. Thank you for this info I read off of Pinterest. This has helped me immensely! Thank you again !

    Robin says November 22, 2018

    How do I find out if he has additional Facebook accounts and get into them? How do I gain access to his additional phone numbers. How do I manipulate him to give me what I want/need to get away and be on my own? I need money, a place to live, a vehicle, all household items, and a way to support my son and me. Thx for getting back to me-Robin

V. Thompson says September 19, 2017

Can You Possibly Direct in some way these same traits a Female can exhibit? They are so spot on in relationships I have encountered. It’s certainly unfair to specifically Target Men as having this ILLNESS Women I’ve encountered are Masters of this condition! Especially Single with children. Single because they feed off of benefits from Men..handouts & needy unable to handle expenses of everyday life so they latch on with no empathy no love an incapability displayed Blatantly to an unsuspecting Male Victim whose Soul Purpose is to Make THIER life EASIER!! They get No RECIPROCATION..only devastating deception!! IS THIS ALSO NARCISSTIC BEHAVIOR???

    Kim Saeed says September 25, 2017

    Hi V,

    I’ve written several articles about female narcissists. Here is the link to one of them: https://letmereach.com/2015/04/06/3-common-evils-of-narcissistic-women/

    You can find more by typing search terms in the search bar. You can also find articles written by my male guest author, Ven Baxter, by typing his name in the search bar, as well.

    Wishing you all the best.


Lotho says February 17, 2017

Thank you for so much insight. I wanted to add about the facebook fantasy land and the “cheating”.
(1) they are not cheating. Cheating means they made a commitment with you and they are cheating on that commitment. They never made a commitment, no matter what they say, even if they married you. EVERYTHING they say is to get the advantage and all is fair to say. If you believe it, they think you’re stupid. How could they keep a commitment to someone so gullible and naive? I started figuring this out when my Narc told me he shares his time and body in percentages. (He claims, I am at the top of the list and get the highest percentage – so why am I so selfish. In 30 days, if he only has sex with one other person, do I realize what a large percentage of himself he is giving to me? where is my appreciation?!) So he is always trying to get supply – he has a constant overlap of women and it doesn’t makes any difference the age, race, weight, looks, or anything else like that – they are after resources and your “value” as an object is highest when you give the best resources. I.e. money, adoration, attention, sex. However, once they win you over, almost instantly you aren’t as interesting or as good of a supply as they thought you were, so you are demoted, devalued and ignored. BUT, NOT let lose – because even if he sees you only once a month, you are all dreamy eyed, or tell him your devastated, or give sex or whatever and once he uses you for a “fix”, he walks away again. But he will always be back. (he could be ” back”, just by having you give a thumbs up on his facebook page. You gave him a little hit of adoration- that is all he needed) The flaw in a lot of our thinking is we keep thinking he is cheating. This isn’t cheating – this is a lifestyle overlapping people for NS. Objects to be used. So as his wife, I get 75% of his time. The other 25% is spent with all kinds of other women in different degrees of enchantment – the librarian at our library, the clerk at the store, teachers at our daughters school, parents of kids he mentors, literally, everyone. He has women every where and facebook he uses to trap them – he constantly promotes himself with sweet pictures, sexy pictures, community and social activism pictures, poems – you name it and all these women comment how amazing he is -And as the intimate person in his life, who knows it is all lies, it is mind blowing. (He will stop by the school randomly, or on the sidewalk and will take his picture with groups of kids he doesn’t even know- then post about himself being involved with the youth at that school – even though, all he did was show up and take a picture.) He does this kind of thing a couple times a week and the women eat it up. He is a master at being what women want and that is what he advertises on facebook. And to him – he is doing me and all the other women a favor, because he is so fantastic. So don’t just stop going on his facebook page- stop going to all men’s facebook pages to see what they are really like – it very well could all be lies to trap you. If you dont see it in real life, dont believe it.
If you think he is only cheating with one person- you are already behind the game. If you know about another women, he wants you to know to use it to destroy your self esteem, control you and triangulate – but there is always SEVERAL other sexual partners that you dont know about and they dont know about you. MOST are NOT his friends on facebook. facebook is for past conquest and women he just wants attention from but doesn’t want to have sex with – low work NS (fan club). The degrees of this crap is mind binding!

and I still cant get away. Im so beat down, I feel like I am going insane. My body is sick. My mind just cant accept that he could be so sinister- even though at the same time i “know” its true.

Rosie says December 6, 2016

Ahh, the narc’s favorite tool, “fakebook”. It’s been 11 months since I was dumped for the new woman, and the number #1 thing that has helped me is when I stopped checking his facebook page , the pictures of him and the new woman smiling, taking vacations together, etc, were just brutal to see , so I stopped looking almost 3 months ago. It has helped beyond words. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only person in the world who is not on facebook , but now I am happy I’m not. I think the temptation would be overpowering not to check the ex. Ugh.

Daniel says November 4, 2016

No gender bias? Hmmm??? She/Her v. He/His/Him? Really? Personally, I think my relationship with my mother while I was a child, and my grandmother, her mother, are the reasons I’m so susceptible to female narcs. That RUSH of validation you get at the onset is so intoxicating, it’s what I was craving as a child and never got, so when I get it, I don’t want to let it go. HOWEVER, and this is just my humble opinion, we, as a society, do not recognize female narcissism because it is wrapped up in the provider/dependent relationship dynamic that also overwhelmingly plays itself out in our Family Courts. For men, it’s humiliating to have, not only a cheating spouse, but a serial cheater as most narcs are, it’s unacceptable. Thus, the male victim will not divorce the narc or tell anyone of the infinity, one simply look at the stats for infidelity in marriage and compare it with the divorce stats, you’ll notice they don’t add up. While the ratio of infidelity between male and female REPORTED (NOTE – Men do not often suspect nor do they admit to a cheating spouse bc they believe it reflects on them as a man) are about equal, yet the divorce rates for women citing infidelity are higher than men in divorce filings. Now, this is also in LARGE part due to the overwhelming tendency of the court to remove the children from the Father’s life and garnish over half of his take-home pay, no, 4 days per month does not a parent make, and it costs just as much to house them 4 days per month as it does for 26. Having said that, that in and of itself is also something worth noting in societies view that women are more often the victims of narc men. It’s just men are more often at risk of having their manhood not to mention SANITY called into question if he were to try and explain the symptoms above. We, as a society simply attribute those behaviors to men bc it’s politically incorrect to attribute them to women. You have to admit, simply watch your Television, women’s infidelity is given much more understanding than men’s, with men it’s seen as betraying the family, women, only the man, but even then it’s usually that he wasn’t attentive to her needs. But I digress, The simple fact that women are much more likely to discuss this type of stuff online and to each other, while men, on the other hand are geometrically more likely to hold it in should suffice to show that this is not a gender issue. In fact, I would argue the other way around, if you simply go to your local family court, you’ll see fathers pleading, crying, in attempts to see their children, being fleeced of everything they’ve worked for their entire lives just for the opportunity to do so, and of course, to stay out of prison. The way most women behave in family seems rather narcissistic to me, not to mention their biological and evolutionary predisposition to selfishness in order to survive. They had to be more manipulative, better liars, their lives often depended on it. They needed resources, how did they attain those resources, a variety of ways, not least of which was taking advantage of a man. But this could go on and on, but claiming you use masculine pronouns for convenience is disingenuous at best, an outright lie most likely.

    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2016

    Hi Daniel, again, you do make some good points regarding female narcissists. However, you also make some pretty unfair comments about women in general who are not narcissistic. I understand that this was your experience and you have the right to be angry, but to state that my use of the masculine pronoun is disingenuous or a lie is going a bit too far. If you were to write about your experiences, I would imagine you’d use the pronoun “she” because that’s your background, and trying to weave in general pronouns or use “he” would actually make writing more complicated because you probably don’t have the background experience with male narcissists. If you’re looking for material specific to female narcissists, I suggest you visit http://shrink4men.com/.

Anonymous says November 3, 2016

My narc is my own nephew….I cared for my parents for 32 years…my parents took my nephew in when he was 1 year old,the jealousy started…..as he grew older he became obsessed with peeping at me… every time I turned around there he was,peeping through a new pin hole in the wall….the name calling started when he was very young….my father finally passed and I moved to a new home,but now he is stalking me,driving by me when I’m at work or walking to work and having a friend in the car with him call me whore,bitch,slut…he even offered people money to beat me up and stab me….. he’s furious because my dad left me the house,which my narc destroyed as soon as he got the chance,and because his attempts to turn my family against me failed,my family made me aware of his smear campaign and helped me anyway when my dad died……everywhere I look there he is,spying on me,but he wants me to see him,he doesn’t try to hide….I stay completely away from him,but he will not stay away from my office or my home…. it’s wonderful though to be on my own….I just wish he would grow bored with me or he would get a life…I just ignore him completely..?.he can’t break into my home where I am now,there are simply too many eyes here…I lived in the country before with no neighbors so I was such easy prey…. hopefully soon he will go away…..

    Anonymous says November 6, 2016

    I have dealt with obsessive abusive people like your nephew before. He will not stop. You are the object of his fixation and rage. You need to stop making excuses and start treating him as a stalker. Get a restraining order since what you described is a very dangerous person who is obsessed with you. I think you are in more trouble than you think you are.

      Sheryl Stone says October 21, 2017

      I agree & most heinous crimes are committed by family members, not strangers. Protect yourself MORE & GET help.

Nevaeh says October 20, 2016

Mine is posting pictures on facebook with his new victim and he deliberately tried to rub his new girl into my face (he knows i won’t look up his facebook profile so he wrote something about “platonic love” under one of my posted pictures).
I simply blocked him.
This comes only 3 months after we both agreed to one year no contact which was meant to be his last chance to get his madness, sex-addiction, misoyny, hatefulness, use of internet porn and prostitutes under control via therapy.
He is now punishing me because i told him that i am very afraid of him and that i was unsure if a friendship would work out.
I actually had to laugh because this is what i indeed exspected to happen.
Though i am still saddened by all this and i hope his new victim will see through him very soon i am glad i got rid of his crazy blame-shifting and projection (he accused me of writing other men in the middle of the night and other crazy things like that even though i never ever did anything like this).
His actions are not based on insecurity as he has always claimed but they are a control tactic.

threeheadsstudios says September 17, 2016

Like everyone here, I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for close to 8 years. And at the tail end of it, he was escalating toward physical violence: throwing things at me during arguments, slapping things out of my hand and yelling at me and threatening gestures if I didn’t stop arguing with me. He was also paranoid and delusional, wanting me to black out all the bar codes in the house because “the man” was tracking us. Not letting our daughter listen to music without tuning it to another frequency because he was convinced “they” were using nazi mind control frequencies. He was also sexually coercive, trying to get me to perform like porn stars in acts I was not comfortable with. And if I said no, he would say he might find another girl to do it. He even tried getting me pregnant without my consent when he felt me slipping away. And there was a heavy addiction to porn that he repeatedly promised to let go of but never did.

Eventually, I managed to leave and in the gap between leaving and our divorce, he tried everything he could to get me back. Flowers, late epiphany’s about his behaviors, talk of counseling, and apology after apology. I had heard it all before and things never changed for more than a week so I told him no. And of course, when I said no, he got angry and would say things like he never loved me or that I should look at how I helped tear our marriage apart.

Even after the divorce, he kept sending me emails designed to make me feel guilty. Things to show he still loves me and wanted to be my friend. Buying a book I wrote, telling me how talented an artist I am. He would send random emails about silly things he already knew the answer to. He also faked a bout of diabetes, texting me at 3am one night after leaving the ER. i sat up in the middle of the night talking to him, deeply concerned and looking up ways to help his diet. Found out a week later he was fine.

Most recently, he has managed to hoover me back in. I only know it to be a hoover now. I had no idea when it was happening. He came over to pick our daughter up and wanted to hang out in my apartment while I was gone. I said no. I wasn’t comfortable. When I came out to the car with our daughter, I asked to see his phone to show him something. He was nervous about giving it to me and I saw why. A girl texted him. His girlfriend. He had been hiding her from me. Parking his car way down teh street when she was in it so I couldn’t see her. Referring to her as “someone”. I was upset because she was a part of our daughter’s life without me knowing it.

I confronted him about it and he used our phone call to tell me he still loved me, thought I was very beautiful and sexy and wanted to be my “friend” and help me try on clothes. Insinuating that it would be nice to watch me. He asked if we could do family days with he and our daughter. I have no idea why I agreed.

Our family days have felt increasingly like dates. His central focus has been on me and not our daughter, talking himself up to me. Takes me out to lunch. Keeps telling me how good I look. And just last week, he asked to touch my feet. He has a foot fetish. He then, told me he still loves me and is still attached to me and that I was scrumptious. After our first family day, I had asked him if he wanted to try and make it work and he said he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend. But he keeps doing this “Family” thing on days when she is at work. And he keeps coming on to me. I have no idea what he is after. He keeps saying that he’s changed because losing me was a wake up call. But when I talk to him, things seem about the same. He’s nicer but he’s still in the same place and around the same toxic people.

I want to believe he’s better. I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. We were best friends and have known each other since high school. But it also makes me sad because I have a feeling that he has no plans to leave his girlfriend and he will not come back to me in a real way. He would have left his girlfriend already right? Or maybe he’s conflicted. I don’t know.

LMR Q&A Tuesday: Why won’t the Narcissist make up his mind? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says January 5, 2016

[…] Narcissistic, self-serving behavior is actually more common than people might think or at least want to admit to. If he can persist in […]

lis says September 21, 2015

Other than a couple inane texts. I am pretty much no contact on week number two. It is extremely hard feeling inadequate, codependent what did I do wrong, how can I fix it? Our relationship went on for 3 years, multiple breakups, his idea, a cancer diagnosis for him and his recovery. I think the only time he actually loved and needed me was during his illness. I learned to hide my family problems, issues because it was all about him and what he was going through. I do not know if he ever cheated on me because we live 90 miles apart and spent just the weekends together. I always went to his house because my small town was too boring and depressing for him. It is going to take a while for me to heal from this one.

Persia Karema says August 16, 2015

Reblogged this on Blog of a Mad Black Woman and commented:
“Narcissists agree to counseling for a few different reasons, none of them related to making your relationship better. What typically happens in a “therapeutic setting” is that the Narcissist uses it as a stage to make themselves look like the victim, further invalidating their abused partner.” ~ Let Me Reach, Kim Saeed

Kim says August 13, 2015

I am currently tangled in the webs of my narc… I’ve been doing research on how to break free of him… he has my mind completely screwed up, I can recognize it now when it happens but for some reason I still put up with it. He abuses me emotionally, way beyond what I had even realized. It’s beyond painful and all of my friends and family see it but I just won’t let him go. I’m scared to see him with someone else. It’s awful. I am looking for a councilor that specializes in this condition… I’m the the Seattle area, if anyone has suggestions. I need to take my life back, my self worth and self esteem!

    LoTho says February 17, 2017

    What happened? Im in the same boat- please update!

Narcissism is no joke | jan szafranski says July 2, 2015

[…] 5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations […]

Disillusioned says June 30, 2015

I had a bit of a relapse in the last couple of days when I saw him at work and he made the most ridiculous detour to avoid walking past where I was on his way to his office. In my brain I know this is childish and extreme behaviour, in my vulnerable emotional state I feel it is I am so bad he can’t even walk past me, say hello, smile. The projection of what happened in terms of his lies, deceit and cheating he has turned on me by him choosing to ignore me. I know this is stupid, irrational but it hurts to be so thoroughly ignored. And then people are telling me how they are seeing him out and about with his new woman, her child and her mum. Happy families!! But I was always a secret. The psychological damage is I am starting to realise huge, from being manipulated, being discarded, being now ignored. It reassured me to read emergingfromthedarknight say this can play in your head a long time after. It is only 10 weeks since his deceit came to light, I think I am getting better, perspective, and then wham, I see him hear how happy he is and I feel so bad. I have applied for new jobs as I don’t think I can survive psychologically knowing I might see him, and her, at work. Knowing I was taken in by his lies. Knowing he has played me but is now living happily and presenting to the world like he is so in love. And almost no one knows about him and me. Our three year friendship with one year more than friends. I think what disturbs me most is the reality I thought I had with him just hasn’t been real. Or not to him, invalidates completely the feelings and love I had for him, time is a great healer everyone keeps telling me. I’m sure it is when regular break up, I recovered pretty fast after my divorce, but this thing has messed with my head, I guess it’s after the emotional abuse and the deceit and manipulation, not just the loss of a friend and lover but the loss of what seemed to be real and true. I am so glad that this site exists and that people share their experiences, it gives me hope, faith that I too will soon be moving forward rather than dwelling on things he said that I now know were lies, and feeling knocked by simply seeing him! Also it makes me realise I am not alone, not mad and not to blame for his actions, but I do feel responsible for not being able to bounce back and move on let go cleanly and easily. I somehow hope he will call, apologise, validate the pain he caused really. I know it won’t happen, but it is very hard to simply dust yourself down and enjoy life again. I am having happy moments and days but it is so easy to be knocked and I hadn’t expected that, thought I was on the road to recovery but so easy to be knocked of course!

    Remembertoforget says June 30, 2015

    Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone…I find myself having 2 solid weeks and then I get knocked off track in the mental healing process.

    Recovering from these types is daunting.

    Good luck on the job search, it would be nice to feel comfortable at work.

    Kim Sherburne says June 7, 2017

    Omg…that is what I have experienced for 5 years! I was a secret…he had so many reasons why we could not date or be seen in public…I had to ask permission to sit with him at sporting events or keep my distance…he is the master of silent treatment which tormented me. He had rules I had to follow…I did it because I knew he had a bad marriage and his ex had cheated on him numerous times…he was a full time dad…his focus was on them. But I hung on because he would always say it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me…it was that he couldn’t….we text all the time…but there were times things got ugly…He would do something to hurt my feelings and I would get mad…react with those “terror texts” then I would ask for forgiveness…he would not respond until he decided he wanted to and then he would act like nothing happened…I let him do that. I told him I understood and I took the blame…he made me feel crazy….we were never in a relationship but one of his rules is that I could date I just couldn’t tell him…when I did, he would silent me. He would block me and shut me off completely. He also threatens restraining orders…not because I did anything but tell him “I hate him” in text…i tried to talk to him once when he got mad…we were in public and he yelled at me that he was going to call the police and get me for harassment…I didn’t do anything but try to explain myself. It has been such an emotional 5 years…I was vulnerable when we first connected as my husband had just left me for another woman. I have dated others during this time. But the relationships didn’t work and the last one was actually a higher level narcissist than this one.

    Anyway, after this last guy, I felt a need to go back to this guy of five years. Things were actually the best they had ever been in regards to us getting along because I wasn’t talking about dating others and was stronger and less needy…we saw each other and text every day. But then I started to sense him pulling away. I asked him point blank if he was seeing someone…he never answered (that was the other thing he did…he just didn’t answer questions…I would call him Jason Bourne and joke that he acted like he was in the CIA). Anyway, I told him I was going to a baseball game and he informed me then that he would be there with someone he had been seeing. I lost it…I mean 5 years of him telling me that he could not date and that I had to ask permission to sit with him in a game…it was the hardest and destroyed any feeling of self worth I had…I felt all this time I had been used, lied to (which I knew but excused) and was not good enough to be seen in public with him but this woman is…and mind you, I have a lot going for me and come from a very respectful family…we live in a small town where everyone knows each other…I sent some angry texts about how he used me…said “f u” once…I was mad…and believe me I know this is not the way to communicate…I am actually a counselor…go figure…but it had destroyed me…and now he is openly dating someone and I am left to pick up all the pieces. I did make the mistake of telling his new woman what he was like and that we had been talking and were together…but she told me that he has not been that way with he, that she has been on dates with him, met his family, friends, and kids, and makes her a priority…this is eating at me. I am trying so hard to heal…but I continue to just feel that I was not worthy of him doing this for me…I feel rejected…I cry…oh and because I contacted her, he threatened me with another restraining order (believe me I don’t do anything except sent texts) and go to my boss about my “conduct and behavior.” He said I have belittled him and although he valued our friendship, he will not tolerate that…and then the silent treatment. I talked to my boss…all is good because I didn’t do anything (of course he has a lawyer friend who he copied the email about the restraining order to). He hasn’t done anything…but I was and have been a nervous wreck, depressed, anxious, and all of that other negative stuff…I am trying to focus on the positive and to be strong…but I can’t get over that he is actually dating someone and just so hurt that he did not do that for me. I know I am rambling…sorry…all the things he has done are just coming in my mind and eating at me. And what is crazy…why do I still seek his approval, his attention…he is so toxic for me…yet I I wanted him to choose me…and I want a sorry…which I will never get. This happened in later April…I went two weeks with no contact (of course I see him around town)…I had one weak point where I told him I didn’t want him to step foot on the business my family owns…I had found out he was there. Since then, I have managed another week with no contact..which even if I did, he is silent treating me right now so he will out respond…I just want to heal.

    I feel all of your pain…i don’t think people truly understand what this is like and how hard it is emotionally.

      Yellow Rose of Texas says September 10, 2017

      You lost yourself in all this madness. You were too vulnerable when you met him.

      You look like a very attractive person, with a fun loving spirit. Don’t give up on yourself! Just take a break being in relationships until you feel emotionally strong.

      You need to give yourself an emotional break. You need to remind yourself of who you are and what you have.

      This man, your ex husband, or others do not determine your worth or your identity.

      You need to give yourself a different perspective. Be your own best friend. Give yourself quality advice, the same as you would a close friend.

      Your emotions are clouding your judgement. This is not a nice man and never was a nice man! Don’t get caught up in the mind game.

      He played the victim card about himself, his feelings, his family … and in return expected you to be his victim! Is he the abused or the abuser? He wants it both ways!

      You were a victim of your ex husband and he took advantage of that! Good news he is out of your life.

      Look at this from a different perspective, the facts speak louder than all the confusing manipulations and twisted word games. You will see the situation more clearly. You will see how dangerous it was for you to have accepted this relationship.

      This is not a decent man. He will never change.

      A decent man doesn’t ever play these mind games. Secretive people need to be avoided.

      Live your life honestly, without giving up your values or respect.
      His character is set in stone. Ask any decent man if they would treat anyone this way.

      You were deceived thinking this was an unusual situation. Looking at him objectively you will see the danger signs. It was a hard emotional lesson to learn. Yes toxic, but also dangerous!

      His behavior is repulsive!

      Could some of this emotional turmoil be feelings about your ex-husband and not so much about this man and his new girlfriend?

      Now you have to give yourself the gift of dignity and not allow yourself to participate in humiliating situations. Never lower your standards. Stay away from him and his life … this is never going to be healthy. Just never fall for his manipulations again!

      You lost nothing – it was just a mind game – your life will be so much better off without the emotional drama! Better to walk alone with your head held high!

Maani says June 28, 2015

Dear kim

I am 30 years old, jobless person. In last november i met with a student, who came to me. She is 18. I taught her biology. After a month we exchanged contact numbers. That night she started texting me, then we talked all day and night on text. Just few days later she said, i love you. I said ok. Later she repeated the same sentence over and over again.

I told her many times that you are lying, you are not serious. Even i cut contact for 15 days, four times. But she never stopped.

Now 7 months has passed. I have gone through severe depression because of her. I also wanted to leave her but invain. Now i am in a position to leave her.

Now, i repeate the same line ‘i love you’ and she not notices. Even she never talk about love at all. She never talked about sex. Her only demand is “talk to me”.

I am a student of psychology. I know her family history, so i considered her a narcissist.

Will you please conclude in a line or two?

Regards Usman

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

    Kim Saeed says July 17, 2015

    Hi Usman,

    From your brief comment, she is definitely showing signs of unstable behaviors.

    I can only speculate here, but her aggressive pursuit of you, claiming she loves you in only a few days, only wanting to ‘talk’ – it sounds like she wants you to feed her ego at her beck and call. It’s as if she enjoys having you as her “puppet on a string”.

    Regardless of what her story is, if I were in your shoes, I’d go No Contact, cut all ties with her, and start a program of healing.

Remembertoforget says June 27, 2015

Thank you for this article, and thank you Vanessa for that post as well.

Are you being gaslighted? 10 things you need to know if you love a narcissist - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing says June 26, 2015

[…] 5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations […]

Kerry says June 25, 2015

Kim, can you explain just a bit more about why a cerebral narc is more likely to just disappear and not hoover you back for another round vs. a somatic? Thanks!

    Kim Saeed says September 17, 2015

    Kerry, somatic narcissists typically enjoy using sex as a tool, whereas cerebral narcissists generally dislike sex and will find ways to not engage in such “animalistic filth” if they can in anyway avoid it. Hope that helps!

mystraightjourney says June 25, 2015

Reblogged this on mystraightjourney.

Gabriel says June 25, 2015

The female narcissist I dated had a very distinctive pattern. She REFUSED conflict resolution. She would give me the cold shoulder and pull away for a week at a time. I would get a text such as “I hope you got sleep” at 6am, and perhaps a “heading to bed” text 12 hours later in the middle of an argument that she stormed out of, walked out on, or hung up on mid conversation. If I attempted to call, she would not answer. If I attempted dialogue via text, the response was always delayed by HOURS as to stunt any flow of conversation. Eventually I would want to see her and ask to talk, and by that time it was 2 weeks later. I would be sleep deprived, on edge, full of anxiety, not knowing anything about where we stood and terrified to mention anything about our conversation because I didn’t want to be shunned again. I once read that a narcissist has an incredible intuitive sense for “types” of people. Either co-dependent or people who she can activate a co-depenence in. Their goal will be then to activate and streamline a co-dependence that has you hyper fixated on them, obliterating your boundaries and worn down over time as they slowly infiltrate and monopolize your soul. It was incredibly liberating for me to realize this. My moment of “seeing the light” was the simple realization that I had spent so much time and energy trying to “make things good” or “fix problems” or “avoid issues” between us. Even AFTER concluding that she had NPD characteristics. I made the mistake of attributing all of these behaviors as symptoms of her condition without the subtle yet powerful realization that MY co-dependency were actually the symptoms and her actions were not some stunted group of actions born of disorder, but rather deliberate, calculated, sadistic and manipulative intentional actions to totally break me down and trigger a total and complete fixation on her as my source of happiness, sadness, my muse. Realizing this made me feel tricked, conned, and just violated. It was then I began a long and harrowing journey of self realization, detachment, and no longer allowing her the power to validate my existence, decide my worth, dictate my feelings, or breach my boundaries. It was then I learned perhaps for the first real time, what self respect meant. You see I could sit recite verbiage all day or terminology but ironically I had to hold MYSELF accountable to the same standards I held her to, of actions not words. And I found my self respect by no longer allowing myself to be disrespected another day.

But looking back, the form of abuse that caused my spiral from the edge to deep within the dark abyss began and ended with the mind numbingly frustrating conversations and complete lack of conflict resolution.

    Kim Saeed says September 17, 2015

    Gabriel, thank you for sharing such an insightful and poignant experience. I believe we have these experiences to get to that dark abyss, because otherwise there is no motivation for the transformation that takes place within us. If not for these soul-shattering experiences, we simply go through life sleep-walking and being taken advantage of in varying ways by different people in our lives.

    Kudos for making the difficult journey to find yourself – and your commitment to yourself to not be disrespected any longer.

Jayce Allen says June 24, 2015

Reblogged this on Mainshock.

lev4yeshua says June 24, 2015

Reblogged this on Narc Bait Diary – Ex Files.

Jimmy S. says June 24, 2015

Hello Kim, it’s Jimmy from a while back, not sure if you still remember me given that there are so many other people here seeking for help. I cannot emphasis enough that you are spot on with all three reasons listed in “Crickets and Tumbleweeds”, my narcissist ex girlfriend is an overt narcissist who did in fact said to me just before I started no-contact that: “Imagine I am standing on top of the mountain, with all of you bitches below me looking up to me, and you are one of them”. I found this so ridiculous that in that moment I decided that there’s no turning back or way to ‘save’ her or change her despite the fact I had been trying. She also told me that she has a line of men after her, and that all she needs to do is just pick the best of them all (fits your second bullet in Crickets and Tumbleweeds). Then there’s the stress that she had when me and her were still together. What happened was that I started noticing my own needs; I’ve always give and give and never receive anything, she takes and takes and gives literally nothing, the sad thing is that I am not even exaggerating. I started seeking what I wanted from her: affection, care, genuine interest in my daily life and family and of course, me. What I got in response instead was something along the line of “I don’t know what love is, I have no love for myself, how can I love anyone else when I don’t even love myself?” I started pushing harder and she started running, and the more I push the faster she runs. We started fighting more and more, to a point that every time we talk we fight, which is every single day. She was obviously stressed out, we both were (this whole situation fits the first bullet in Crickets and Tumbleweeds). Then I remember the very last time we fought I was so stressed out and emotionally drained I blurted out saying “I gave you my everything, you can’t even do one simple thing for me?” The one simple thing is that I had asked her to go out with me since 3 weeks ago, every weekend she would find excuses or say “I’ll think about it” and never get back to me. That’s what leads us to fight more and more. Nevertheless, the point I wanted to make is that I said to her “I gave you my everything”, which probably in her mind is interpreted as “I am now a useless supply and I can provide nothing more to you except stress” (which refers to your third bullet in Crickets and Tumbleweeds). We broke up 1 to 2 days after I said that, and then she told me the “mountain and bitches below” thing.

When I first reach out to you. Kim (or actually you reached out to me with your posts and insights), my mind was still hazed by the aftershock of my ex girlfriend narcissist’s emotional abuse. Now that I think back at my own questions and false hopes that I had when I commented for help, I found what I said was quite humorous (dark-humor of course hah). It was 1 month into no contact when I first commented and was still in terrible state.

Now I am happy to say that after two months of no contact I am no longer interested in knowing about her life or her new love, and that I have absolutely no desire to check on her social media (and I have not since I last confessed in the those comments). And by stop checking her social media, I can live again. Funny how I torment and torture myself back then by checking her social media about her new “the-one”. I have learned to love myself more, and sometimes I look at back at this relationship and realize the mistakes from both parties and learn from them. Even though it’s a horrifying relationship experience, I now can look at it as a lesson. For those of you out there that are still fighting your narcissist’s abuse and those of you who are on the difficult path of self-healing, there’s something that you need to know. It will be hard. So hard that, you die. You may be physically alive but, for many, you will feel as if you’ve died. But think of it this way, think of it as rebirth. You die once because you need to start a new life, you die once because along with that feeling of deep pain, you can only get stronger. Now, by no means should you ever, EVER, take your own life. Because when your life ends, things don’t get better. In fact, things will NEVER be able to get better after that. As long as you are alive, there’s hope. Don’t ever give up. When you feel like you are in a dead-end, reach out. And if you feel no one else is able to help you, then help yourself. Start loving yourself. Start treating yourself better. Because that’s something we never got to do when we were with and emotionally abused by the narcissists. Should you ever need someone to talk to, email me at [email protected]
Best of luck.

And finally, thank you Kim. Your act of kindness has helped and freed thousands of souls, if not more. Your words are directions to our healing process. Thank you.


    Kim Saeed says September 17, 2015

    Hi Jimmy, it’s great to hear from you again. I enjoyed reading about your healing journey. Thank you for your kind praise and encouragement regarding my work. I hope to continue to provide direction and inspiration to all in need.

    Your generous praise has given me my own bit of inspiration today – thank you 🙂


    Andrew says December 8, 2015

    To Jimmy – also telling her you gave her your everything meant you wanted something back and they can’t give back – only take. That’s when they run. No matter how intelligent or charismatic they may be, they are stuck at around the age of 3 in psychological development.

Vanessa says June 23, 2015

Everything in this article plus a lot more happened to me. Cheating, lies, smear campaign, face book. He was exceptional at image management and forming an army of friends and family who believed that I was crazy but he loved me anyway. I was with him for 3 years. During this time I resigned from my job to work for him, had my image tarnished (my true self) to all others. I spent a great deal of time trying to get everyone to get the truth but the more you go into defense, the worse you look. He would do things that any ‘normal’ person would understand were deal breakers and then the next day they apparently never happened, or they were my fault or I was over sensitive. Anyway we all know how it goes, because most of us say exactly the same things. I have been away from him for 12 months and honestly look back with disbelief that I allowed him to treat me so badly and still kept forgiving and going back. It is the hoover, until you get what the hoover is. In 12 months my life has improved so much, those 3 years was a constant downward cycle. There was physical, psychological and financial abuse. When you are out, in my case I find it hard to even understand why I put up with the behavior of this person when I any one else would never have been able to get away with it. It is surreal. I don’t really discuss my experience with the general population as in my experience there is just a complete failure to comprehend how we would stay in a relationship when our needs are not being met and worse, when you are constantly being degraded and abused. it takes people who have been through this and a good counsellor (who knows the NPD) to really get what you experienced, why and how to move on. For anyone who is still in the midst of this hell and who is struggling with the love you think you have for this person, confused that he can be so great but hurt you so incredibly over and over again, feel like they are no where near the same person as what you begun the relationship like and constantly second guessing your worth and your judgement – you are definitely being abused. The only choice really is to move on completely. The last 12 months for me have been very difficult, very hard work. I now have my own wonderful home, my career has returned and gradually other people in my life who, by the way are so relieved you have finally seen the light and left the mongrel.
I am still on my own, through choice. This is the area of work that will take some time, as, after realising what hell you can go through by allowing such a destructive person in your life, I have taken a step back. Content to be in control of my own world. I would never have believed the statement …life will eventually get better when you leave the narcissist… but I wanted to let women know that I am proof that finally facing life on your own terms and getting out, although hard at first….gets better and better. It is true.
My best to all who are still struggling….I for one, do understand how bad it is x

    Anonymous says June 23, 2015

    Wow, reading your story Vanessa felt like I was reading mine too! I also was with my narc for three years and was exposed to constant lying and cheating and manipulation and triangulation and much more. I’ve only been away from him for a month, but I’m already starting to feel a little bit like myself again, although I know that the road ahead won’t be easy and I will have a lot of work to do to properly heal from the psychological damage that was done. I share a son with my narc so I can’t completely go no contact (how much I wish I could), but I have been practicing indifferent and no reaction. Only communicating via text regarding matters of my son and just providing quick answers. It took a lot of strength to finally break it off as I also forgave each time I caught him lying and cheating and disrespecting because I felt for his hoovering. But I’m so happy to be able to finally break free and I look forward to creating a happy life for myself and my son because I felt like I was just existing with my narc, like I was dying inside and I don’t ever want to feel that way ever again!

    Kim Saeed says June 27, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your success story, Vanessa. It really does take a lot of hard work and dedication. There is no magic bullet or ultimate insight that will free us from the shock and pain of this type of abuse. The secret to healing lies within us, but we have to put many things into practice and do more than just read books and collect information on healing. We must take action. I’m glad to know you cared about yourself enough to stick with it <3 Kudos on the new home and getting your career back on track!

    Anonymous says June 27, 2015

    I could have written ur experience and response word for word, my story is so scary similar. Kim, I appreciate all of your insight and advise, this particular post is so dead on it will be saved to my favs. Time does allow the shock etc that we go thru to dissipate that initial emotional loop we are sent into but, there are moments (just moments now that use to be hours) that I feel anger toward he and NS, that anger goes away in a flash I’m thankful to say and is replaced with sorrow for the NS. I know in my gut she has experienced her “real” new journey and just as I did want to ask his previous partners obvious questions, “was he this short fused”, “did u feel ur family and friends were put on back burner while all ur plans revolve around his family and friends”, “why is everything I do wrong”, etc. I can’t help but feel empathy and I’m extremely proud I do.

      Kim Saeed says June 27, 2015

      Thank you for sharing your very touching experience <3

Disillusioned says June 23, 2015

How do you not internalise feeling responsible for someone who cheated on you and then discards you so thoroughly when you find out and confront him about it? Yes the man I was seeing was a cerebral narcissist, but I still don’t get how he could so ruthlessly cut me out and act like I was to blame for trusting and believing his lies rather than apologise and show remorse for his behaviour? I can’t reconcile how the kind, sensitive, caring man who offered support and understanding can have been sabotaging my career behind my back for months (it now emerges) and is able to walk away and no longer have any need to talk to me at all – when previously he was in contact all the time and if I ever said I was done and threatened to walk away he talked me back into working things out, or in his words making sure I was ‘not cutting my nose off to spite my face’, ‘not throwing the baby out with the bath water’, ‘not throw my toys out the pram’ if I ever questioned him or told him he was not behaving or treating me in ways I found acceptable. Yet he behaved In completely unacceptable ways and has cut me off completely. Is this classic blame shifting described in this post? I feel like I’ve been partially brainwashed or at least sleep walking trying to compromise and alter my ways of being to accommodate his needs and then turns out he has someone else meeting his needs who he is now blissfully happy with. And I am struggling still to work out what happened and why! Cognitive dissonance? This post really makes me think Kim, I wish I could get to the answers though!

    Carrie Reimer says June 24, 2015

    Disillusioned, the reason he is able to just walk away is because he does not have a conscience. nada! none, no guilt, no remorse, no conscience. His brain did not develop like a normal person, the part where empathy and a conscience are supposed to reside are not functioning. They learn at a very early age how to imitate the emotions of others, making it possible for them to go undetected (for the most part) in society.
    Any emotion, sensitivity, or remorse you saw was an act. They can’t feel love, not real love and they cant’ feel guilt or even miss you. All women are interchangeable to a narcissist. I know that hurts and it is hard to wrap your head around but it is the painful truth.
    For the narcissist it has nothing to do with love and all about control and manipulation. He morphs into your perfect mate, your knight in shining armor in order to hook you, after that his mask drops and it is all about control and getting his needs met. It is a game to him, it is fun.
    No normal person falls in love in a couple of weeks.
    The new woman will go through exactly what you did, it is all a show right now to hurt you and make you think it was your fault and the new woman is thinking her special love saved him from his psycho ex; She is in for a rude awakening. I bet it is already starting to happen.

      emergingfromthedarknight says June 30, 2015

      So well expressed. The number on symptom of being dumped by a narcissist is that you end up suffering and going through the most acute agony for all the “wrong” things you did which were actually responses to being emotionally abandoned time after time. It takes so long to get unstuck. What was most essential for me and when I finally made the break and began to heal was in making sure I NEVER AGAIN logged onto his Facebook profile. I spent so many months with my heart torn out of my chest and severe c-PTSD symptoms but they did begin to abate when I made this rule for myself. You are already hurting enough. Taking care of and loving yourself means detaching for good. Even though much of what they say to us and make us believe goes on repeating in our heads for years and years to come.

      Young trusting and naive says August 4, 2017

      I figured out he was a narc (research) but couldn’t leave out of fear for myself and my kids. He had threats miles long mixed with “I’m only telling you this because I love you.”
      He physically attacked me one night and someone called the police (he had smashed my phone) so that is when I was able to safely make my move. After I figured out he was a narc, it was like playing a game of chess, what move does he expect me to make so I don’t draw attention to my new mindset and plans. It was Soooooo hard to do.
      I feel sorry for him… and his new victim! I almost feel I should save her but I know she doesn’t know what she is getting into and she fell instantly in love with him, just like I did. And she won’t believe me, just like I didn’t believe his previous ex. He was the nicest guy in the world, to everyone but me (during the relationship and his exs relationships before me). All of his friends, acquaintances and family believe “I” am crazy and at fault for absolutely everything! (The best Con-artist ever) They can’t understand why he only attracts “crazy” women. He picked us because we were young, trusting and naive.

    Kim Saeed says June 27, 2015

    Disillusioned, I too, spent a long period of time trying to figure out “Why”. I insisted on finding out whether my ex was born that way or was a product of his environment. Turns out it could have been either.

    I eventually came to the conclusion that I can’t make logical sense out of the illogical. I used to assume that everyone had at least some level of remorse and regret, but that was just me projecting my own values and morals onto other people. I finally learned that he acted the way he did because of who he is and it had nothing to do with me.

    If they cheat and lie, it is not our fault. We are not responsible. How could we possibly be? They will cheat and lie into infinity, regardless of who they are with. There’s nothing anyone can do about that – we can’t prevent it, nor should we take responsibility for it.

      Disillusioned says June 28, 2015

      He acted the way he did because of who he is – reading that is an eureka moment for me! This hasn’t been about me being good enough or compromising or not being willing to try or whatever else he would throw at me – I tried more with him than with anyone else in my life – it has been all about him! His need to control, manipulate, lie, cheat. It is who he is. His wife he is currently divorcing has told me he cheated on her twice that she knows off, I know he cheated with others because he told me! But it seemed like he was the innocent party, the mad wife not understanding him…. Another friend he has discarded (who he propositioned regularly) has been lied to as well. He hasn’t just lied to me! I’ve been questioning myself, blaming myself. Thinking what is wrong with me? I got very attached to him, maybe codependent I don’t know? And yes I was gullible and trusting, but I loved him and believed us to be working towards a future together. For me the glimpses he showed me of things I valued were enough to keep me hooked. But for him it hasn’t been about me and who I am. And I forgot that too. Assumed that because I am loyal, and honest and have integrity he would too. But no. It has all been about him, who he is and what he wants. Friends have tried to tell me that but I needed to read those words you wrote Kim – he acted the way he did because that is who he is. I don’t need to beat myself up or blame myself any more. Thank you!

        Kim Saeed says June 28, 2015

        Thank you for letting me know my reply helped you. I’ve got a knot in my throat and a tear in my eye. I’m so glad you see the truth now. <3

      Andrew says December 8, 2015

      I agree and as far as the nature/nurture (or lack thereof) question – I finally came to the conclusion that it HAS to be the interplay between the two. How can one NOT be affected by genetics? How can one NOT be affected by environment? Some people go through horrendous abuse but don’t become a narcissist (or other cluster B personality disorder) while even the self-described “pro-social psychopath,” James Fallon, who was raised in a loving family, reports that he has “low empathy.”

    Andrew says December 8, 2015

    They’re never as happy as they make themselves out to be. They can fake that emotion too. And it has nothing to do with love – ever – with you or with anyone else – just remember that.

Healing Future says June 23, 2015

How do u find a good therapist, one who gets what this is all about? How do u know if you suffer from PTSD of c-ptsd?

Karin says June 23, 2015

Yes, yes and… yes! I say that a lot don’t I? It’s true though, these are textbook patterns that should be taught in all self-defence courses beginning with other age-appropriate lessons in Intermediate school.
Facebook was a playground for my Narc, though how he kept all his profiles (including several female profiles) straight is a miracle.
No contact, no Facebook. Absolutely the only way to go. A normal human can’t heal in the face of abnormal tactics.
Another great post Kim 🙂 Thank you for all that you do <3

    Kim Saeed says June 23, 2015

    Thank you so much, Karin! That sounds like a wonderful tagline: No Contact, No Facebook. Brilliant 😉

      Karin says June 23, 2015


      JA says January 11, 2016

      Hi Kim, I need advice. My best friend’s husband is a narc of all narcs. The King of Narcs. He is pure evil. If Satan is on planet Earth he is it. He lies, cheats, steals, coerces younger women, tries to bust up marriages. He acts like Mr. Businessman Nice Guy, Mr. Friend to All, Mr. Prince Charming, Mr. Found Jesus, yet he would screw over his own Grandma to make a dollar, cheated on my friend at least 3 times, loves when women get PTSD and suicidal over him, screws over clients, presents the does everything for everyone image, Mr. Volunteer, Mr. Saves the Day, helps everyone. It is a total scam and cover up to his true evil, selfish, mind raping self. My question is why does she tolerate this? Does he have her brainwashed? He’s got her in so much debt and in constant state of confusion that she never knows which end is up! Yet, she will project and proclaim to the whole dang planet that everything Is hunkey dorey and happy home crap, but then complain and breakdown in front of me about the real deal going on. What should I do? Stay out of it? Watch her self-destruct? I’ve tried getting Mr. Know-it-All to see the light, but he choses constantly to live in the dark and play games with everyone. He’s hell bent on destroying everyone because it makes him feel better about his a-hole self.

Add Your Reply