break your addiction to the narcissist

Break Your Addiction to the Narcissist – The Betty Ford Approach

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You’ve hit rock bottom.

After being subjected to countless verbal assaults, degradation, and propelling through the abuse cycle more times than the moon orbits the earth in a year, you finally realize the narcissist will never change.

You initiate an attempt at breaking free and tell yourself it’s over this time. 

The phone rings.   It’s them, but you don’t answer it and they leave a voice mail.  You start to hit the delete button, but then you think, “Let’s just see what they have to say”.

Your resolve goes flying out the window as the narcissist’s voice gives you a high.  Your heart melts with overwhelming pleasure as the words “Baby” and “I miss you” play on the recording.  Your plans for a new life are toast and you wait for the narcissist to come over, as they said they would in the voice mail…meanwhile, you enter into a state of euphoria.

You ride the illusion of feeling better about yourself and the situation, to the point of believing it will be different this time. This effect of the “narcissist high” can have a particular appeal if the narcissist is somatic…meaning there will likely be an intimate encounter.

Unfortunately, this false confidence is an effect of the ‘narcissist drug’ and not based on reality. Once Narc users come down from the high, they feel even worse about themselves than they did before, setting themselves up for a pattern of using to try and feel relief, with the effect becoming increasingly short-lived each time.

You’re addicted to the Narcissist, and you need to implement major rehab.

The Narcissist Detox

To be clear, going No Contact means the Narcissist has no way to contact you. Across the forums and Facebook groups, commenters discuss how they’ve gone No Contact, but then receive a text, email, or voice mail from the Narcissist.

This isn’t No Contact, it’s No Response, and will only keep you open to the risk of continued exposure.  It may be necessary to change your phone number and email address…even ones that you may use for work or have had for many years.

Real No Contact means the Narcissist cannot contact you, period. Not by phone, email, social media, Skype, Tango, nor fax machine.  When you say you’ve gone No Contact, but then leave them with full access to contact you, it ultimately means you still want them to contact you…because you’re addicted.  

So, how can you break your addiction to the narcissist?  Below are five tips to consider based on The Betty Ford approach.

1 – You must get to a place where you understand your role in the relationship and that your life has become unmanageable.  It means understanding things from the narcissist’s point of view. 

The narcissist looks down on their supply source(s).  They view them as weak, inferior and worthless, but at the same time, their victim is providing them with a bounty of narcissistic supply.  The more the victim shows their anguish, the more they become a narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more powerful the abuser feels. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal attacks become.

This “push-pull” scenario leaves the narcissist behaving in ways that say, “I hate you, but don’t leave or you’ll pay”.

They react to any headway on your part as a threat to their narcissistic supply, therefore any show of independence by you will be scoffed at. The narcissist will be merciless in their devaluing of you. The devaluation can be delivered through many different forms; through your own attachment needs, your intelligence, your body, sexuality, creativity, etc.

At this point, you’ve been conditioned and trauma-bonded, appearing to outsiders that you are a willing partner in the toxic relationship.  Even if you do manage to leave the narcissist, you are at risk of future re-victimization by other narcissists, because you are primed in a way that other narcissists can detect.  That’s why a period of self-work and healing is crucial before dating again.

2 – Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself

What have you been accepting from the narcissist that you would normally think was heinous if it were done to someone else?

Does the narcissist ridicule you (sometimes in front of other people), accuse and blame you, withhold affection or resources if you don’t comply, trivialize your accomplishments, judge and criticize, deny, lie, cheat, or shout in anger when you express your feelings?

I’m sure they do.  That’s why you’re reading this article.  Look within and ask yourself, how did you get here?  Why are you allowing someone to treat you this way?  Someone who claims to love you, but shows contempt for you at the same time? 

That’s not love…it’s a power trip and you’re the one taking the fall.

One reason we stay with an abusive narcissist is that, deep down, we wait eternally for them to validate us and tell us we’re worthy, but it never happens.  Try validating yourself…really love yourself and stop letting someone else abuse your emotions.

3 – Seek through prayer and/or meditation to improve your conscious contact with God and your Divine Self

God/Source didn’t put you here to be abused.  Each time the narcissist abuses you, you inadvertently allow abuse against God’s creation.  You are a divine being.  Start seeing yourself as such.

Going No Contact and withdrawing from someone you have a bond with isn’t easy.  There are emotional and biochemical addictions involved.  But the narcissist will not change.  If you want a different reality for yourself, you must remove part of the equation, and that’s the abusive narcissist. 

In their place, validate and love yourself and you’ll find that eventually, the life and love you want will find you.

 4 – Develop self-awareness and self-compassion

Self-awareness is a stepping stone to developing emotional resilience so that you’ll have better control over your emotions instead of your emotions controlling you.  Self-compassion will hopefully inspire you to develop better boundaries in relationships so that no one can use your abandonment triggers against you

 5 – Let go

The final step is to let go. Letting go involves an inner shift. It’s an inner process of consciously recognizing that you do not need the narcissist in order to survive emotionally.

In your mind, you accept there will be a hard road ahead, but it’s one you’re willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and make space for a loving, reciprocal relationship later on).

In your mind, you let go of waiting for apologies and closure from the narcissist.

In your mind, you let go and release them.

In your mind, you drop the mic and walk away.

At the end of the day, the only way to rid yourself of the abuse for good is to go no contact

It may seem impossible now but it’s entirely attainable, and your future, liberated self will thank you.

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Leave a Comment:

Norma says April 18, 2019

I am being hoovered by his pleas to help him get by. I am doing fine – not wanting to go back. He is playing on my codependency and asking me to save him. This is my biggest challenge! I’m open to words of wisdom and advice.

    Geraldine says April 19, 2019

    No contact or you’re still in the game. I saw “mine” not so long ago and managed to just stare passively in their direction (this was after 2 years). Haven’t heard anything since. No reaction seemed to have worked! So far so good.

    Diana says April 19, 2019

    Going no contact means no communication whatsoever: changing phone number, moving if at all possible, changing or getting off of social media, changing emails. If he knows where you work change jobs if possible or set up boundaries at work.

    Jerry H. says April 30, 2019

    Like Kim says,go COMPLETE no contact. It sounds to me, you are leaving a door open. I had to go all out no contact, and it works. I have had a blissful 7 years away from the freak I was with for 14 years.

Jerry H. says April 18, 2019

Hi Kim, Your article is SPOT on! Everyone of your comments hit home. I hope someone in need seriously takes your article to heart, and uses your advice. Six years of FREEDOM for me, and it it feels great. Thank you for your wisdom and telling about your experiences! My ex was an EVIL human being and it took me 14 years and 4 years of Drug and Alcohol, along with a year of Psychology classes to figure out just what that woman was. I KNEW she was different, but had no idea what a Narc. was until I learned in my classes. Take care!

    Geraldine says April 19, 2019

    Congrats! I’m three years in. I wasted the first year being in no response mode. I have whole days at a time when he doesn’t end my thoughts. Life certainly feels a lot more dignified without them. Never again!

Sue says April 18, 2019

My God, this is so hard! When the veil falls…the vision is no longer survival , it is freedom!

June says April 18, 2019

“Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.” Albert Einstein.
Thank you, Kim. Good article. J

Louise Strong says December 28, 2017

Its my sister….she is so cruel its almost unbelievable.

Anonymous says December 17, 2017

I love your post very empowering… Thank you…

17 Signs You Might be a Love Addict - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 2, 2017

[…] addiction is a common condition in victims of narcissistic abuse, yet many people are not aware that love addiction is a thing.  More commonly, people who are in […]

Anonymous says February 10, 2017

Hi Kim
I recently discovered I’ve been married to a narcissistic for 6 years. We always had so many problems that were so hard to explain, I couldn’t really tell what was wrong and our conversation never solved anything
Looking for information I found you and I’d love it it if I could have some advise from you some time
We have two kids under the age of 10, I’m on my early 30s and he’s on his early 50s
I want to live him so bad burt I just can’t, I’m not sure if I’m in love with him but I don’t think so, I just feel like I need him
I recently filed for divorce in one of my attempts to leave him, but we still live together in the same house. All my family is in the other side of the country, they were making some arrangements cause I had plans to move out with the kids to where my family is and I was very excited and decided until one day
I came earlier from work and when I entered the house he was talking and I didn’t make any sound and listened. He was talking to another woman, making plans with her for when I leave, I know
Who she is, from his past, she is now
In a different state
I let him finished and confronted him and he swirled that no body was more important than me and the stupid me, idk what’s wrong with me
I felt like I don’t want him to love another woman,
I want him to love me, so I told my family cancel
Everything and I stayed and we are back together
Only 2 days after and the same old issues started again
Issues that depress me, make my life miserable, he has power over me, he controls and manipulates my mood and I hate it, I don’t want that
I know I need to do something, I just don’t know where to start

    Kim Saeed says February 12, 2017

    Hello Anon,

    Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. I am sorry to learn of your struggles, especially that there are children involved.

    If your husband meets the criteria of being a narcissist, then there is no hope for improvement. If I were in your shoes, I would contact your family once again to make arrangements to leave. Be prepared for him to make false promises and seem very genuine in wanting to “make things work”. It will be very difficult, but know that you would be doing the best thing for yourself and your children.

    Wishing you all the best,


Confused says September 7, 2015

I have a question I hope someone can answer. The narcissist I was involved with has never left his wife in the 10 years they have been married, yet the wife has left him twice. Both of them are alcoholics. This last time she walked out the day he was released from the hospital after being on life support (from falling and hitting his head ), so I nursed him back to health, and then boom, he goes back to her. I couldn’t believe that he would return to a person who walked out when he needed her the most. So she leaves him, but he, the narcissist keeps going back with her? Can anyone answer this for me?

    Kim Saeed says September 8, 2015

    Apparently, although she’s left him a couple of times, she may be trauma-bonded, which would explain why she keeps taking him back. He, on the other hand, probably keeps going back to her (assuming he’s a narcissist) because she’s an excellent source of narcissistic supply…

      Kim Saeed says November 1, 2015

      Have you been able to go in and edit yet?

    Joifaith says September 15, 2015

    Hello confused.
    Reading your post almost made me feel like I was reading the post from one of my husband’s mistress. My heart dropped a couple of times. Anyway as a women married to a narc, as women dealing with the same type of man I would like to share my side with you, just so you can sort out some of the confusion you may have. I have also been married to my husband for almost 10 years. We have two children together. Before the woman who I thought you were came into the picture, we always had a problem with other women. Usually wives just don’t leave their truly loved husbands after the first, second, or third time of them cheating or being abusive. Everyone has a breaking point. You can’t judge the wife on her actions towards her husband, because you have no idea what lead her to that point. After all, you were most likely one of the cherries on top of everything else he wrongly abused her with. Our problem has always been another woman. Not to mention a few run ins with drugs and alcoholism. What Kim is saying about the wife being a good source of energy for him whether that be good or bad energy is probably true. I have went through a cycle with my husband for five of the years we have been married, it goes…. From March- August; He cheats,we argue and cheats, I finally put him out by May, he shacks up with another female right away, by August he is ready to come home and will do whatever it takes until I take him back. Of course being young restless and full of hope that he will change I take him back. By next March it starts all over again each year his actions get worst and worst, physical, mental, verbal abuse. And the last two years he has has two extramarital children, one which I excepted and tried to make things work again, after he begged me for yet another chance. Even after all of that, even with the female knowing about me, he yet again, did more inappropriate things, and went back to one of the mistress openly again. That was my last straw. There is way more to the story but my point is. The narc is the problem, we are addicted to them that’s why we all are here. Let’s do better no matter how hard it is. It will be best to leave him alone and start your recovery. His wife is I’m sure way deeper in it than you are and has way more healing to do herself.

nornirongirl says August 22, 2015

Reblogged this on nornirongirl and commented:
and as Henry McCullough sang on ‘Hell of a Record’….Here we go again.

JJ says June 3, 2015

My situation is very much like yours with a severe Narc who i do miss terribly and i do wish was reaching out to me like all these others i hear about… even though he was torturous to me and even walked out on me the day after our baby died pointing fingers and detailing for me every flaw that was “forcing” him to leave me. I’m only 7 months out and 2 months of no contact (it was me chasing him!). My grief is unreal. I can’t even shower or make food some days. I’m interested in hearing Kim’s answer to your post. We know NC is our first step. But then what? How do we survive ourselves? What i have left is a pitifully malfunctioning person. I cant even tell time some days.

    Kim Saeed says July 1, 2015

    JJ, thank you for replying to Maria. The first steps after No Contact typically require being able to ground ourselves and modulate/regulate our emotions, which usually involves the same therapy as PTSD treatment and trauma therapy. Until we get a handle on our emotions, we can’t truly begin to grieve and heal.

    Hope that helps!

      Anonymous says July 1, 2015

      What does it mean when you say “get a handle on our emotions?” What does that look like to you?
      I have been in therapy, but I don’t really know if it is the same kind of therapy as is utilized for trauma or PTSD. How would I know what to look for?
      The grief is very very real, and gives me little relief. But I have no idea if I am headed in the direction of healing or not. I have no concrete information or any comparison to apply.

        Kim Saeed says July 1, 2015

        Someone, it’s truly a difficult thing to master. I had to try many different modalities before I found the ones that worked for me. I have found that monitoring my thoughts is very helpful because my thoughts are what create the suffering, as follows: 1) I have a thought, 2) I attach a meaning to that thought, such as I’m good enough or successful enough, etc., 3) I suffer because of the meaning I attach to the thought, which isn’t even true to begin with. So, it’s a very deliberate exercise in not worrying about the past or thinking about the future. Then, using grounding exercises to stay centered. I use guided meditations, trauma therapy (EMDR, Yoga), as well as therapy for emotional trauma. However, at some point, we have to face our wounds, but it’s important to learn grounding and centering skills first, otherwise, we throw ourselves into a state of anxiety or panic when we address our wounds and can’t really begin to grieve or heal. Does your therapist specialize in emotional trauma?

    Joifaith says September 15, 2015

    This made me cry. I’m feeling all the same feelings but can’t act on it because I have two autistic sons who need me more than I need to grief. No one is going to pick up my slack if I just choose not to tell time one day and stay in the bed. I cry slightly all the time. In weird places, like an empty aisle in a grocery store or at a red light. I can’t implement the no contact thing because we have the boys. I feel crazy and sick in the head. But I know I can’t be crazy, because crazy people don’t know they are crazy. I’m glad I came across this post. It helps me sort out all the feelings I feel but have difficult explaining. Even to myself. Please respond if anyone reads this. I’m good at excepting the truth, I need to hear what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

    Fiona says December 30, 2016

    JJ. I don’t know whether you will even get to read this it is so long after the event, However, when I read your post my heart went out to you – as it does to all who have been the victims of these non-human scum. My darling, I know where you are (or where you were at the time of writing this). I hope you have moved on but if not and for the sake of others who may read this please remember that whilst one part of you is traumatised, devastated and unable to cope; there are other parts that are unaware of the abuse, are adult, strong, resourceful and if you communicate with them and ask for their help, will nurture and protect you. Anyone with PTSD also has dissociative disorder – please read that again. It is both bad news and good. Bad, as it is unpleasant but good because it means that there ARE parts of your personality locked away that are not abused, that are healthy, strong and totally capable of telling any psychopath to take their disgusting behaviours to hell with them. Please, please, get help from a psychologist or therapist who fully understands dissociation (and read “The Haunted Self”) and begin to rely on the wise, resilient and loving parts of you. They DO exist and they are Narc free. I bless each and every one of you on your journey. And remember, it is ok to be discouraged but it is never ok to quit. x

      Nourice says February 10, 2017

      Thank you for your words

    Anonymous says August 4, 2017

    Hi,I can relate so much with all your thoughts,and feelings.I myself went through the exact same. I hope you don’t mind ,but I can honestly tell you that every day I wrote pages,and pages of my feelings,and thoughts.Page,after PAGE of how SHE treated me.All the manipulation,games,lies,secrets, all the abusive words she used to beat me down to a point in my life,i never thought existed.
    Using sex to make me feel inadiquet.
    good luck,stay strong,

    Linda Blanding says October 3, 2017

    I am married to a narcissist, I never even heard of this til someone told me about it and yes he fits the description of a narc, but when I met him I was weak and he saw this, he went ghost on me twice I promised myself strike 3 and I’m out, yes he did it again I left but I didn’t know it would be this emotional and hard to get over him, it’s only been a month and I’m trying the no cintact praying to God that I do not attempt to contact him, Im really trying.

Maria says May 26, 2015

Thanks for this post. It is excellent and crystal clear what you advise. My question is “How long does it take after going no contact to not still ‘want’ them to find a way to get in touch?” I intellectually know that my ex is dangerous and toxicfor me and I should be thankful that he is not contacting me anymore (1 year after we broke up and he contacted me 5 times in that year) plus the point of no contact is to not want them to contact you and make impossible for them to do so but what I’m trying to say is that although I fully understand that he is bad news and toxic for me and I do not want to ever interact with him again, I find myself realding these posts and all about how other people’s narcs find all sorts of ways to contact them and I am oddly/warpedly envious that their narcs want them more than mine wants me. I believe that is the addiction talking but I don’t know how to stop it and get it to sink into my head that no contact with ever again is the best revenge and best thing for my mental state. Any advice?
Also, when we broke up over a year ago and 5 years of sick on again/off again madness he is the one who did it and at the time threatened me that there will be no contact between us EVER again. However, he then has reached out to me multiple times since then and every time I just ignored him and did not reply. Finally after the last one, just recently, I did reply and asked him why he is still contacting me. He did not reply and has not been in contact since then – 3 months. Do you think he is finally done with me and will leave me alone now?

    Melissa says July 5, 2016

    You really need to ‘get’ that none of this insanity is about you. It’s about him. He could give a shit less if it’s you or someone else. You are interchangeable parts and pieces in his game. That is what switched it for me and the cords just broke. You are not special to him. He doesn’t miss you. He is missing a chip in his brain to be able to feel anything like you feel it. Once you really get that and stop lying to yourself, you can move on. Consequently you will heal rapidly once you take it all back into yourself. You were falling in love with yourself (mirroring) not him.

[email protected] Cgonzal2 says May 23, 2015

I’ve been reading your site for about a year and while this information is so insightful. Idk how to stop living this evil creature. Like so many other stories he had his “ex” pregnant when we met. He and his mom and sister assured he she was just a random girl who got pregnant. We were together for about 3 mo. Before I noticed the red flag behavior that I should of ran from. He drank a lot and would be disrespectful to me. We broke up after 6 mo. I initiated it due to the fact I seen message in his phone from other females on many occasions. That began our year and a half of ofg and on and whenever we split he would go back to his ex. Last January we split up he went back to her and I became the other woman til February we got back together but on such ugly circumstances. He is not addicted to meth. So his ugly mess has increased. He has been physically mentally and emotionally abusive during the time we got back together I found condoms say him texting other females. And so on.when we split up he will follow me show up at my house and call me from another since I have him blocked on my phone. Here is my question I know I’m codependency but u don’t know how to stop wanting him and feel like I need him. I don’t know how to get my self Esteem and self respect miserable in at a low in my life where Idk how to stay above water anymore. Everyday us a hard day he persist til I let him back it’s good for a few days and than its another female I find out about. It’s awful to live in hate and anger. I am missing work I am showing my children all this is ok. They love him and see what I go through as they are 16 13 and 10. Please how do I go on especially when he doesn’t allow me how do I atop falling for the lies.

    Kim Saeed says May 23, 2015

    Thank you for reading my blog and for commenting, Cgonzal2. I know how you feel because I went through the same -wanting to leave, but not feeling able to. Here’s what you’ll need to do if you have any hope of moving forward:

    You’ll need to initiate No Contact and stick with it. It will feel horrible in the beginning because, as current neuroscience demonstrates, leaving these types of relationships is exactly like going through rehab for drugs and/or alcohol. The same biochemical processes occur within our bodies, not to mention the added element of psychological conditioning and manipulation.

    Then, you’ll need to put up “No Trespassing” signs around your property. If he comes around tell him you want him to leave and if he doesn’t comply, you’ll be forced to call the cops. If you fear for your safety, then call 911 instead of answering your door.

    These are only the first steps to detaching. Ironically, the real challenges come after going No Contact, but NC is your only first step to detaching and healing.

Scarlett says May 22, 2015

Hi Kim,

This is SO TRUE! Both narcissists and victims are high on destructive interactions. Daily meditation is an excellent way of staying in touch with your emotions and channel them so that they don’t lead you to break No Contact.

A bientôt !

    Kim Saeed says May 31, 2015

    Thanks for the wonderful insight, Scarlett! 🙂

Cho mo lung ma says May 19, 2015

Reblogged this on Parental Alienation's dirty secrets , akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago.

Dee glass says May 19, 2015

I am trying to get away from my first love, who is a narc. I have learned so much from this group about narc and about myself. I am planning an escape move from him next move. I am so concerned he will come home and try to stop me before the movers can get all my furniture and stuff out. To anyone reading this, who is a be liver in Jesus Christ, PLEASE pray for me to be able to get out with all that is mine. I know I need to move on, but I’m struggling.

SK says May 19, 2015

my H displays N traits but never lies about achievements or acts too good to do certain things like maybe cleaning toilets for extra cash, etc. I get confused on whether I am dealing with a true one or not or someone who displays a lot of traits. I will name some here…mind you this is some not all… moves out literally every other week usually always over me questioning him or asking why he isnt showing me he cares, etc., he will always call/come back, sometimes within hours he will be calling again and telling me how i have no heart to let him go sleep somewhere else, when in reality he had packed up and moved on his own and I never told him to,completely unstable, it seems like when I am sick or need him the most he purposely pulls away and will refuse to help me or will be rude about it, i.e, like when i’m sick, always seems to have to 1 up me on everything like if I say my back hurts, his does too or his hurts more, he downplays every symptom I ever have or downplays things like having to take care of my son alone with a migraine when I couldn’t see good, according to him that was different and his back ache was worse, a lot of times will start talking to me on a subject he knows i’m already upset about regarding us and when i start talking back and not in a pleasant tone he will just walk away and vanish, then accuse me of yelling when i raise my voice so he can hear me in the other room, sometimes when im askin things regarding a touchy subject like his overuse of alcohol he will put in headphones and blaatenly ignore me and I will stand there and keep talking to see what he does and he continues to ignore me, he will sometimes push and push and finally on the 4th argument when I finally yell back and curse he will be magically calm and say “see how you are yelling” “oh look at you”…as if he was waiting for it…he only promises me things to get back in the home and the promises NEVER come to pass EVER, he sometimes will start making promises to me to get back in the home over things that i might of mentioned months ago that i wasnt even currently asking for, again, never coming to pass, can call me 500 names but the minute i call him 1 he uses that against me and as an excuse for his 500 times, like you have to be perfect to even have a leg to stand on with him, refuses to get a checking account with me and mix monies now for 6 years, has promised me he would hundreds of times and it never happens, does things like has texts from girl “friends” in his phone and yes they seemed pretty innocent, the 1s I read anyhow, but even when i say that hurts me or bothers me he down plays it and has excuses and wont stop, downplays everything even leaving me in the hospital one time after i begged him to stay, and he left to go help his brother at his job so he can make extra cash, which was not needed and was a volunteer thing, never gives me credit for anything, always makes me feel like he has this vibe that I am less than and cannot measure up, will only be affectionate when he wants sex, otherwise none whatsoever I am always the iniator yet at the very beginning he was super affectionate and when I wasn’t because it was a little too fast for me, he claimed that was wrong of me and rude, yet he does it now. I have an older child who is not his but also a 2 year old who is his. How do you do modified contact???? He just moved out again last week and i do not want to speak to him I wish I never had to. He is asking to see our son, of course here b/c he is staying with family in a small place with no room. how do you do this when there is no court date yet or court set up for visitation. I dont want him having my son every other weekend- I dont want my son turning into him or a N. Again, this is only half a list of things, not all. Any help is appreciated. sorry so long, want some real help. i’m ready to move on and feel so stuck b/c of money issues and not being able to afford everything without him and also my son having to with him.

Only Me says May 19, 2015

Hmm…How to break your addiction to a narcissist…giving it some more thought…Well, you’ve got to let yourself feel the pain, own it! Let yourself grieve over your lost hopes and dreams that were wasted on them.

Realize although you were genuine, they weren’t, and that you more than likely couldn’t have known or defended yourself against their manipulations! You were innocent, and just couldn’t have known! It wasn’t your fault!

Grieve and ruminate as you must, but stay connected to life by keeping involved with friends and family…your support system! Do positive things that give you happiness and pleasure. It may help to journal your thoughts and feelings, and let it all hang out!

There are no bad feelings. Be good to you! Find or renew hobbies and interests that excite and interest you. Mostly, give it time! TIME is your friend and ally! Eventually, if you want it to, all the bad stuff will pass, and you will find your smile again! Hugs!

Lonnie Stevens says May 18, 2015

Reading words…….worthless no contact order in your past……..Realty = Really.

Lonnie Stevens says May 18, 2015

Reading weird from others is not so much like therapy, but it is empowering. But what if you and this ex have a young child between you? Think about a worthless no contact desire I you’re past when you’re forced to see the ex on there or four nights a week. And because they can get out of the car, throw a few daggers at your heart, some land and hurt..all the while the the act of welcoming the return of your child becomes more of protecting your child’s ears and yours.

I’m not saying NO CONTACT orders for a parent with a young child is a physical impossibility, but it being successful would likely be in the realm of possibilities and odds along the lines of your carotid artery being slashed in the desert on the outskirts of Vegas…and your applying enough pressure on your throat to drive calmly to a hospital an hour away…and survive. Not before stopping off for a round of putt putt golf and a Big Mac.Then later going home that night.

I apologize if I’ve missed Kim’s thoughts on this, but being new I’ve just begun reading here.

And for those that will say, “will just get an order where you make the exchanges in the presence of a 3rd party.” Realty? This is work, involving/inviting other people into your lives that want no part of potential headaches that would likely come…even in the best of circumstances, no matter how infrequent it occurs.

Most of you talk as if your kids are older. But as wonderful as your ideas are to read…they just doubt have much value…or realism, to someone that will abuse you in other ways should the one door to your jugular close. They’ve already thought out their next two moves before the first had even begun.

Only Me says May 18, 2015

Interesting post. It’s been over four years since the D&D and since I’ve seen him. I’ve blocked every avenue and changed my contact info. He’s never hoovered me, and I have no idea what he’s up to. It doesn’t matter either. Nor do I contact him ever!

I still think about him from time to time, but that 17 month whatever it was we had seems almost surreal and dream-like now. Almost as if it never happened. I don’t expect to ever hear from him again, because I think he found me a lot tougher and more resilient than he expected. He knows I’d tear him a new one! He knows he can’t break me!

I do regard it was a valuable learning experience though. Now, i can see one of these guys coming a mile off, and cut them off at the pass before they have a chance to do me any damage! Even better – I know my own weaknesses now, and I guard them. I’m very proactive now! I’m stronger than ever!

I think on some level there will always a certain vulnerability to him, because he knows my weak spots – BUT I also know his, and I can give as good as I get! LOL. No, he won’t be back ever! He doesn’t want my boot up his backside!

Thanks for the great post!

    Melissa says July 5, 2016

    I admire you! It took me 3 years to get where you are and I love your perspective. We get bitter or we get better and you’re and example of using this to get better! He didn’t break me either! I can honesty profess gratitude towards his insanity now because I got something out of this experience which was lacking in myself. I had to claw and fight my way back to health and now that I know I was falling in love with myself, not him, I am so grateful for what that experience taught me, showed me! ” I am enlightened, thank you!” My parting words to my NARC right before I blocked his ass forever! It was like a switch flipped and I was DONE! Now I just want people to know these people actually exist. I was naive and innocent yet I am not bitter and angry. I am healed!

Aeve Pomeroy says May 18, 2015

After the last drama and discard I was finally burned enough to stay away, and the messages a few days later at 1.30am telling me he’d been out all weekend meeting women but couldn’t get his mind off me clinched it. There aren’t enough buckets in the world to deal with that kind of tripe. I knew if I went back I would have it rubbed in my face and I wasn’t prepared to let that happen. A clairvoyant advised me to set boundaries. The front door was one and he no longer crossed it. Also to cut off all other means of communication, and not to talk to him if I passed him. It was a tough year of deprogramming, I watched a DVD similar to Louise Hay’s affirmations every day to build back my self-worth, as well as meditating to connect with higher guidance was a tremendous blessing. More gold advice from the clairvoyant was to bless him every time I thought of him to detach from his energy. Not easy to do at first but now the emotional charge is gone and all I think of are the memories of the problems and wonder what I ever saw in him if we cross paths. Exactly like when we first met as there was no physical attraction, it came mysteriously with the attention bombing over four platonic months and I thought he must really love me to go to this much trouble. Plus at the time I hated being on my own. So now it’s done and dusted thank god and the peace from being away from that man and his problems is priceless, and so too are the beautiful normal and peaceful people that have come into my life since then. Also finding my love for writing and supporting people is a treasure I can thank him for as I may not have found it otherwise.

Pauline Berry-Thomas says May 18, 2015

Yes I did after having therapy and talking to a good Psychiatrist, I realised that my husband then was very unwell, and making me like him, I asked him to leave nightly and stopped cooking for him and washing his clothes, and said quietly but firmly nightly you have to leave and then go out, after two weeks he left I then joined with others that left their partners and got away, he did go and stay with someone and start and affair, and six months later we were divorced, he did pursue me on pretence of being in touch, but I kept to it and eventually met with him and told him never to contact me, never to phone or write…I said this is it, good bye, I met him in a London Hotel so that they could be no backlash, and kept to it that is 30 years ago, I re married became a counsellor, now I am setting up something new…there is no going back and I have no feelings one way or another… for him

Anonymous says May 18, 2015

I have implemented No Contact with my Narc but he keeps sending me letters and cards in via postal mail. I tried returning his mail but letters keep coming. I don’t open them but get anxiety every time I go to my mail box. I wish he would just disappear. When will it ever stop? This has been ongoing for 6 years!

    Kim Saeed says May 18, 2015

    Hi Someone. Is he sending the letters with his name and return address? Have you been keeping the letters? Depending on which state you live in, you might be able to send him a warning letter (certified), and tell him to stop sending letters, etc. Then, if he continues, you may have a case if he refuses to stop. Have you spoken to an attorney about it?

puameliaclinic says May 18, 2015

Reblogged this on It's All In The Head.

    Kim Saeed says May 18, 2015

    Thank you for sharing! <3

      puameliaclinic says May 18, 2015

      NP Having been through Narcissism myself via an education setting, I know how hard it is.

      Debby MacDonald says August 25, 2015

      Is it possible to share the article on Pinterest?

        Kim Saeed says August 25, 2015

        You are more than welcome to do so, Debby! Thank you <3

      Melissa says July 5, 2016

      I had to read psychopath free, the sociopath next door, women who love too much to free myself. Once I was clear there was a formula (unoriginal in all its form) I was able to go no contact. Read about the trauma bonding and start to take really good care of yourself. You will be free, eventually: if you do the work, on yourself. He cannot be fixed. You can, however, heal your wound and no longer be connected to him. Also pray about the bond ending and mentally disconnect the cords. And take more care of yourself and possibly go to therapy and Al anon. You can heal.

    Kim Murray says June 16, 2015

    I have been dealing with a narcissist for 2 years and just realized that’s what he was. He used me, I tried to help him financially and he took all my savings and moved on to another victim. In my head I couldn’t deal with that the person I loved could do all the things he did because when he was with me it was like magic but when I wasn’t with him it was a different story. So two faced, compulsive liar, and cheater, I was so down for a long time and I finally sent him and apparently his new girlfriend a bunch of fucked up text messages him thinking I’m drunk and a mess to make him go away hopefully for ever. I won’t ever get the money back, god knows I tried but now he was a new girlfriend in a law office that is threatening me if I pursue any longer. I just need to move on and forget all about the situation and all the mental abuse I took from it all over the past 2 years from the silent treatment to cheating, lying and stealing from me. I just need to finally heal and forget.

      Kim Murray says June 16, 2015

      Will he leave me alone now that he has all my money and a new girlfriend

        Kim Saeed says June 16, 2015

        Hi Kim! It’s a case-by-case scenario, but if he’s of the overt ilk, he’ll probably be back around at some point – if you let him…

      puameliaclinic says July 1, 2015

      It sucks when that happens but what can we do 🙁

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