narcissist mind games

Narcissists – Lies They Tell and the Secrets They Keep

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Narcissists will rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

Our “gut feelings” are called that for a reason — research suggests that emotion and intuition are very much rooted in the “second brain” in the gut.  In fact, Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, says, “The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain.  It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity”.

But don’t take my word for it.  You can read all about it on Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Backup Brain.

My job here is to give you a breakdown of how the Narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological manipulation – lies in your face while keeping hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees.  Below, I map out the four most common lies of narcissistic spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy – and the secrets they’re keeping from you.

narcissist mind games

Narcissistic Lies and Mind Games

Lie #1

“Baby, I’d never do that to you.  You mean everything to me.  You and I are soulmates, remember?  I’d lie down and die for you.  The fact that you’re even suggesting I’ve been unfaithful is almost more than I can bear.”

Hidden Secret – They very much ARE doing that to you.  Those texts they get at inopportune times, the hypervigilance in keeping a passcode on the home screen of their phone, the weird disappearances, the snake-like aura…those are all signs that they’re still seeing their ex (or co-worker, boss, neighbor, etc.)  In fact, they’re telling them the same lie above as they’re saying to you.  Don’t fall for the excessive charm and candy-coated untruths.  In fact, you may want to start writing everything down so your logical mind can make connections and see patterns that your brainwashed mind is sweeping aside.

Lie #2

“I never made that promise to you.  I have no idea what you’re talking about.  It’s clear that you misunderstood what I said.” Or, “I don’t recall that specific conversation, but whatever I said wasn’t meant in the way you understood it”.

Hidden Secret – You do remember it correctly, and you understood it perfectly.  This is a classic example of gaslighting.  Whatever promise the narcissist made to you was a flagrant lie made during a hoovering episode, or made to cover up another lie that you discovered to divert your attention away from the fact that they were LYING.

Lie #3

“I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m a sex/porn addict.  I’ve been trying to work on it, but I just thought I should be honest with you in case it comes up.  I hope you can work with me through this issue.  Don’t give up on me, baby.  It’s no reflection of my feelings for you, I swear.”

Hidden Secret – The narcissist has absolutely no intention of changing this little habit of his.  He just threw the card on the table so that if you shuffled it into the mix, you’d have no recourse when it comes up (and it WILL come up).  This is another blueprint behavior of the lowly, and Narcissists (generally of the overt, somatic, histrionic type) say this to every single one of their partners.  Why?  Because they’re deep in the middle of online dating and porn sites, fapping left and right, sending pics of their nether-regions to various prospects, serial cheating, participating in bi-sexual “curiosity”, and sometimes…even pedophilia.  It’s just a matter of time before you find out, and he wants to smooth the way for when that happens.

Lie #4

“I’ve been thinking about what you said.  I know it’s important to you, so I’ve decided to go to counseling.”

Hidden Secret – This is a ploy to keep you in the queue for as long as humanly possible.  During all of my time studying narcissism and working with clients, not one case has seen a happy ending because of the narcissist’s humanitarian, soul-searching “decision to go to counseling”.  In fact, it usually ends in their victim needing their own therapy because of the tricks and mind-games that ensue.

I wish I had better news, but you could spend the next ten years of your life negotiating, compromising, educating, begging, crying, and crawling, but you’ll still never get the narcissist to see your point of view.  Not only will they not see your point of view, they will still be carrying out all of the above atrocities in ten years, plus ones you won’t even know about.  It’s all part of narcissist mind games.

I think you deserve better.

I think the nicer thing to do for yourself would be to take a few days pondering what your relationship is bringing you on a heart and soul level, start listening to your intuition,  and make your decision to stay or leave accordingly.

The best gift you can give yourself is your own healing

Join my course The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

You will learn how to…

  • Begin living congruently with your desire to live a healed life without feeling guilty
  • How to implement ‘Extreme Modified Contact’ if you share custody with a narcissist
  • How to find your lost self, even years after narcissistic abuse
  • How to smash and sever emotional hooks that keep you prisoner
  • + so much more!

You’ll receive multi-media training (printables and videos) to help you set limits and create stronger boundaries against emotional manipulation that has caused you to act out of character.  Take the course on your own time, at your own pace. Your subscription never expires, and you can come back and review a lesson anytime you need.

Learn more here.


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Melissa says March 18, 2018

I’ve found the articles and replies helpful for the most part. I’ve been apart from my, N for 2yrs.However, I cant get over the cheating,mainly because they were friends of mine. And, even though my gut & intuition hold the truth, its not enough. I want the truth to come out,perhaps in headlines. I want my name cleared of being the crazy person. Is this even possible?

L. Brown says December 3, 2015

I was just working on a future post about some of the signs of my ex and a movie that he just knew fit us. The movie was about a man who cheated on his wife and she waited for him faithfully. Geesh!

Olivia Rose says May 3, 2015

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I’ve been there, done that , heard it all. At one point I think I spit tea out of my mouth because you wrote the EXACT words he spoke to me. Thanks for your good work…..keep it up………we need lots of educating and supporting and empowering women who are the victims of these types of people. I’ve started my own work and blog…….feel free to check it out. It’s a little scary, but it’s more scary to me to stay silent……..

Donna says April 21, 2015

This came at the perfect time! First of all I can’t stress how much energy I have, How much younger I feel, how much better i look since the NP left me! It has been 9 months, 7 months NC. That said I was blown away once again when I looked at some bookmarks on an old smartphone he left behind. In the beginning of our relationship 9 years ago he told me I rarely look at porn I don’t need that stuff. Then after his bout with Hep C and not beating it he told me I look at porn sometimes just to see if I can get things down there working again. WELL things must have been working pretty well. There were 100’s of porn sights cheating sights and I don’t mean soft porn I mean disgusting perverted porn. I was once again Shocked! I don’t know what I thought originally, but I had no idea he was this perverted! and I slept with him for 8 1/2 years! I felt physically ill, I wanted to literally vomit it was so gross. BUT on the upside there is now no doubt in my mind he is a Psychopath – perverted – cheated on me the entire time. These sights were from when we were married only a year!!! I am so grateful he is no longer anywhere in my life. Thank goodness the other woman came along and lured him away….hope she has a strong stomach or maybe she is as perverted as him….IDK. I am so much better off without that sick energy sucking, emotional serial killer in my life!

J8’s Book Review: Toxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life | Trauma and Dissociation says April 21, 2015

[…] Narcissists – Lies they tell and the secrets they keep ( […]

puameliaclinic says April 21, 2015

Reblogged this on It's All In The Head and commented:
Important to know!

survivorthrivor2 says April 21, 2015

Although my Narc is a Covert Narc and would never actually say some of these statements out loud, the lies and unintended, deceitful actions are the same. Actually, with the Covert it is more of the ‘deer in the headlights’ look, then utter shock that you could think such a thing about them, then the silence. No admittance – no denial. Just leaving you with dead air as to further your confusion in the ‘fog.” It’s dehumanizing! My Narc went out of town for a week and a half and in that time I had gone to get my hair done. Her & I are good friends and she has been through this with me for a good many years now, before I knew what he really was. As soon as she saw me, she was taken aback and said, “What did you do, you look 10 years younger than when I saw you last!” She was serious and kept asking and telling me I loked great, younger, fantastic! I had started using a new skincare line, but it had only been about a week, couldn’t be that. I had no explanation, but she couldn’t get over it. Then it hit both of us, HE had been out of town! I was out from under his reign of terror and it showed! Big time! No stress, no fog, just me free to be me!

I am working on a plan to get out permanently… cannot come soon enough!

Anonymous says April 21, 2015

Lie #1: The Hidden Secrets and “weird disappearances” – that explains alot! Thank you!

aw says April 21, 2015

There is an old farmers’ saying: “If you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty,”. The same can be said about narcissists! They will soil you with their lies; cruelty; unfairness; manipulation; and constant expectations that will become increasingly difficult to meet! They will violate your sensibilities; shred your self esteem; compromise your values; and snort and bite you when you stop capitulating to their demands! If you have a smart phone, download a “recording app.” It is a handy item to record their WORDS without them knowing it. Play it when they are gone to bring clarity to your situation! USE it against them, but be sure to have witnesses around! Narcs go beserk when backed into a corner and there is no wiggle room is left! Once you decide to end your private hell with them, keep it simple!!!! Simply say, “It’s over, you can’t change my mind, goodbye!” They can’t fight back if you load your gun with air! There will be nothing to discuss!!! “Off you go!”

Jane Smith says April 21, 2015

Hi Kim,

The first date I had with the Narcissist I experienced deep gut instincts in the pit of my stomach which I ignored as the magnetic pull was so compelling,

I also experienced a very clear image of a Raven when looking at the Narcissist …which I now realise according to Jungian psychology was my unconscious mind telling me to take heed “Ravens “in Jungian Psychology relate to tricksters, which requires deep inner healing for transformation after the experience of darkness.. .I am currently into 12 months no contact ..even though I have had emails expressing eternal love and devotion ..I have ignored the rubbish dialogue..(I expect he was running short of supplies at the time !!!!!)

I am working on listening to my feelings these days by going within rather than looking outside for answers…

Thank you for all your posts they are real catalysts for self healing ..

light blessings

love Jane <3


Sarah says April 21, 2015

One of the first times my stbx told me #2, he actually said, “I know I said that, but I didn’t promise it,” as if that meant he couldn’t be held to his word. Sadly, I gave him the chance to be more subtle the next time.

secretangel says April 20, 2015

Love this and love the image.. It is so perfectly true!

Annie Chace says April 20, 2015

Reblogged this on Parrots, Prose, and Poetry.

Lori Gee says April 20, 2015

Kimberly, I don’t know you personally but everything you write describes my “marriage” like I was writing it my self. I am absolutely devastated to be discarded this way after 35 years, and just can’t believe what is happening right before my eyes. He tells me every day he is leaving, because he wants to himself, and make his own decisions, but he also has a pattern of disappearing 3-4 times a week, always around the same time, needs to go drink beer, and listen to his headphones. He carries the names of all the female bartenders of all the bars he.goes to in his phone. This on top of the fact that he says he doesn’t know what love is, but says he doesn’t love me, never has,never will. Hides spending, never has worn a wedding band, and I am not allowed to go with him or know where he is going. I think he is a serial cheater, and.i am really stuck.

Jenny says April 21, 2015

Oh how true! I got out 6 months ago.. Now in a new relationship . It’s completely different. I see I spent years with a monster ! I don’t feel the unease I felt from the start with the narc. No shifty eyes. No hidden phone. Just happiness. My gut tells me this man is honest and loving . My gut told me the opposite with the narc. We just have to listen to ourselves … We know it’s wrong.. I too look healthier! He wore my soul and spirit away. Then discarded me… He said id thank him one day … And boy was he right!!!!! I’m disentangled from a monster . It’s a good feeling. I saw him recently on the street for the first time since we split. He didn’t see me.. He had told me I’d barely recognise him now as he had stopped drinking and was getting fit.. He actually blamed me for the rotten lifestyle he led while with me..( I do not drink or smoke dope) well guess what… That sure looked to me like a beer gut. He hasn’t changed one iota! What a prat! It shook me up seeing him… For a whole day… Then I was over it… It was like seeing a stranger. I hope he’s not in the process of destroying some one else…
Meanwhile I’m happy and have found a man who loves me…
You can do the same ladies… I thought is never be free from him… Wanted to make him well etc. what a filthy loser. You are good beautiful people ladies… Do it for us all…. Leave them as soon as possible… And do not look back.
Much love to you all

Cho mo lung ma says April 20, 2015

Reblogged this on Parental Alienation's dirty secrets , akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago.

Mary says April 20, 2015

Leave. By all means. This is a very sick game. When mine did the final discard, I started taking pics of myself everyday. I looked horrible. After a couple of months I started looking better. 6 months later, today as a matter of fact, I have gained all my weight back, look so much happier, younger, smiling, holding my head up, getting admiring comments from men and women alike. I still hurt, and wished it was different, but nothing like before. I am working better and more productively at my job and home. I am not tourtured by constant thoughts of how/when/where the shoe will drop. It will take a little longer, but soon I know I will be going back out with confidence that yes, I am worth loving and knowing, and dating, and enjoying my time with a man again. This time I will know without a shadow of a doubt what a narc looks like and pay attention to any red flags this time and not ignore them. I’m sure I’ll run into narcs again as they are everywhere, but I can now say I am able to walk on my own two feet without the bullshit. Yay me. We are all worth more than that.

    JR says April 20, 2015

    Awesome Mary I hope I can comment in six months that I’m doing as well as you are. I’m still living with the what ifs and is he really that devious, but I already know the answer even if it’s so hard to phathom.

      JR says April 20, 2015

      I meant fathom* ooops. lol

      1smiles says April 21, 2015

      I am a year out of my Narc relationship. I have a whole new life in a different state. I feel better, look better. I have a new and exciting job beginning in a few days and even have a new relationship. The one side effect that I see lately is in the new relationship… I’m so used to the lies, etc that I’m very cautious.

    Sara payne says August 28, 2015

    Very true I only come to understand I was feeling hurt and made to feel it was my fault jealous when I saw my ex with another girl in is car still I stumbled across this site and everything made sense he his an ass I have now gone full blown no contact blocking his no I even took any trace of his out. I’m now entering a programme to move on as I am suffering with sexual abuse and emotional abuse he affiliated on me in the our time together and build my self esteem and confidence up. Continue with the support from my lovely friends and look forward to more rewarding future 🙂

      Kim Saeed says August 28, 2015

      Thanks for sharing, Sara! Wishing you all the best in your recovery <3

JR says April 20, 2015

The timing of this post told me everything I already knew but kept denying to myself. My gut has been screaming for 2 years now! ugh I’m planning on going no contact but I’m sure the snake will try to infiltrate my boundaries again. Thanks for the eye opening posts.Keep them coming! ❤

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