The Anatomy of Narcissism

i have no self esteem none at all he never abused me or said ahy bad things about me he hahd sex with his mother he only wants to kissme passionatly with dep emotional feelings and cuddle. he is now depriveing me of sexual relations. he is sooo passionate he says we are just friends i do not understand please help i am seeing him for 1 1/2 years he is 62 i am 66 i am sincerlylooking forward to your response i love him i do not want to loose his he has given me all the affection i nver had cant wait to hear from you sandra

I have been in a relationship with 1 for almost 7yrs.
It has been absolute hell!!! And the sad part is, if you love them you believe you wrong and you believe the lies they tell you tho deep inside you know its not true. But they will convince you. I have been blamed for many things. And when it comes to breaking up, then they all sorry and try get you back but then you in the same hole all over again. And they promise to change and…and…and…it never happens!
Its hard ending a relationship when you know you weren’t in the wrong, and you want them to know that but they’ll never listen and it will always be your fault.
Now its time for the healing process…its not easy…but will get there.

I’m currently trying to end a relationship with a narc and can’t. Either I give in to my emotions and go back or allow him to convince me to come back. We had another huge falling out tonight because of him hurting my feelings and refusing to even acknowledge the hurtful things said, but he turned it all around and once again accused me of bringing all this “drama” into HIS life again. The hell with the numerous times he has hurt me lately.
So, what did I end up doing? I foolishly sent him an apology text which he read and chose to ignore. This pattern has been going on for months now but each time I’m ready to walk away, he comes back and I can’t resist.
We fight constantly but neither one if us will say, ENOUGH!! He claims he has always been the one to walk away from his past relationships. That he could no longer put up with the crazy women he has previously dated. But… if I am as crazy as he claims I am, then why hasn’t he walked away??? I believe it’s because he hasn’t found someone else yet. A feeling I’ve had for some time now. I’ve been calling him out more and more ove his behavior thus past month. He’s become less affectionate, less loving. I’ve noticed a significant change in his behavior for the worse. I believe he’s looking and narrowing down his options for my replacement as I type this… rationally I know that will be my greatest blessing although it’s going to devastate me emotionally because I love him. ?

Oh my goodness, Kim. Thank you for spreading insight and healing about this. I have researched a lot on the subject as a result of my own experience but the clear and direct message of this poignantly written article is very powerful. Heartbreaking to read how rampant this issue is amongst the commenters. But also much comfort to be found that awareness is increasing. They cannot perpetuate darkness through their insidious behavior if we continue to expose it. Sharing this piece wherever I can. Love and light, A

Unfortunately this is everything I am currently dealing with from my current narc husband. As an empath I am struggling greatly!!!!! The pain he causes me is unbearable. I have recently been pointing out what he’s doing to me and begging him to stop……he tells me I am going to pay for this…..for what? What have I done? He is so heartless and this is so severe. But I love him……. He makes me feel lost, and broken, like a ghost floating through each day.

“They cannot be happy, they also cannot be sad. They are empty. They can only be temporarily filled up by adoration, but they are full of holes and it leaks out very quickly.” I run into this type of person a lot in the music business…It is frustrating and no contact is the only way to free yourself. Thank you Kim keep up the good work…xK

What you’re talking about with that emptiness — it is far worse than it may sound on the surface. Blood suckers are not born, as far as I know, they are made. My parents were narcissists, and hid it from me well enough that I didn’t even understand it until my mid to late twenties, when they went way too far in an action that completely destroyed my life. They spent the time systematically breaking me down, and I never understood what their purpose was — and can only see it now in hindsight — by the time I was 13, I was already like them, and I am like that to this day. I spend periods of time where I feel human again — at the expense of my mind working like that of someone with mental retardation — and then go back to feeling empty.

I will always hate those in my life that did this to me, as long as I have an ounce of my own self left (there are times where I think I don’t, and it’s bad) — I am basically another head on a stick outside their castle — but do not underestimate the pain these people endure — and do not overestimate who you would be in their situation.

I feel relieve reading your articles, it makes me stronger, I’m currently surviving and trying to suck all the pain the monster is giving me, I was recently discarded again for the new supply, what I can’t understand is why the hell the bastard keeps coming back when I initiate a full no contact?I know it takes two to Tango, I hope to God that I can move on from this hellish emotional turmoil, thank-you for your articles

This is exactly how I feel about my ex narc. He is empty. I was only with him for a few months, but it was long enough to erode my self confidence. I spent months trying to find myself. It is now going on five months since we split. Although, my smile has returned, my old self is forever lost. He truly changed me. It was painful. I am still trying to decide if I have changed for the better or worst. He wrote and recorded a song that describes narcissism perfectly. It should be the narc theme song. He thinks it is cute. He has no idea how much it describes his mental illness.

“Look into my eyes, what do you see? If you found nothing, you’ve found me.”

It is amazing how self aware narcs are. They just do not care.

I am deeply hurt. I need help although I know this wasn’t my fault. First I came out from an abusive marriage with a cptsd-er. Now I have a kind of similar experience with my brother. The story is too long to tell and mostly too painful. We never had any idea he was that sick when he was a child. Sometimes I don’t know what to do or where to go to ease my pain. I think I need professional help because it feels like I’ve met Satan in my life. Nothing, nobody can stop these people! They are ruining whole family structures, leaving behind a trace of horrible darkness. Oh my God, who created them? It can never be the same Creator that create other normal caring people.
Fortunately I now have a wonderful husband who leads me through this dark period of my life.

Hello. My adult daughter fits these traits perfectly. She uses people until they’re devoured, including her 3 year old daughter. She’s just lost custody of her. The child’s father is not much better than my daughter, very self absorbed. Now he has custody he has placed my granddaughter in a childminding centre for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. I offered to look after her during the week instead, but he said no. The child so craves a connection with her mother, a mother who either will not or doesn’t know how to emotionally connect (unless she needs her child’s comfort). Too sad to watch!

I’ve been no contact for a year now, have pulled myself up off the floor, rebuilt my life (although it looks very different from how it was), and am doing the things that make me happy. Right now I don’t think I will ever trust another woman enough to have a relationship again, but it doesn’t feel as if that’s something I’m missing. I’m enjoying the feeling of security and integrity, which was stripped away by her. I am no longer angry about being fooled into thinking she loved me, or hurt by how she plundered my life. I do still think about her son though, who was a good kid. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I know that to contact him would bring down the full wrath of his mother on his head and mine. It still troubles me that he thinks she loves him, when really he is just another pawn in her games. It still troubles me.

my ex is totally this and all her friends are dragging her down. They all act the same way, they only care about them selfs

I have gone through life completely ignorant of the psychological black hole that is narcissism. I had seen the symptoms over the course of the last nine years, but wrote it off as something like depression or a generalized personality disorder and sought to create a better life for my ex. I moved her back to her hometown where finally succeeded in ruining my life, eventually getting custody of our kids and moving in with her equally narcissistic mother. I fear for my children. Is this a genetic thing, or is this behavior learned? I will feel as though I have failed as a father if I allow my children to absorb this as a learned behavior. Any insight would be helpful.

spot on, thanks for the validation I needed it !

spot on, thanks for your validation I needed it

This was great. Just needed the reminder that it was never me, BUT HIM! Took me so many years to figure this out and disengage. I always thought he would come around but after gaining so much knowledge on narcissism there is no such thing! I also had to deal with Parental Alienation in the cruelist way 🙁

very interesting…Thank you!

After the discard often feel so Low deprived…abandoned thrown away like trash… we cannot comprehend how someone “human” can do so Inhuman things…

leaking holes…we could not have known!

They “pretend” appear normal..though I bet it was not accidental I chose him… instictively I chose what I knew, my father is like that Man hild, co dependent N, mother Scary angry N…..aggressive…I chose emblem of “home”.

now I try to detach from it, Thanks for the article!

Absolutely not. Asperger’s and Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the surface seem a little alike but in substance are totally different afflictions. NPD people will mess up your world. Whereby there are many a beloved professors and teachers and coaches with Aspergers. Aspergers people are just clueless, but not malevolent, as are narcissists.

I am so happy that this post has helped some people. The worse part of narcissism in my opinion, is that they take down some of the most incredible people in the world. People who don’t give up, people who want to understand the mysteries of life, people who want to share good moments and the depth of life with another person. Narcissists do not want their problems solving. They only want the energy you provide in doing so. Such madness, such going round in circles, such a pointless existence for them. It is a shame that they will not feel what other feel when they see a beautiful sunrise or understand the look of love in someone’s eyes, or sharing intimacy. It is a terrible shame, but they do not miss it because they have never known it. They cannot undermine how amazing that is for us. We must not allow it to happen. Having the depth that we have is sometimes a very lonely experience, but in the depths of loneliness we find the most incredible strength, and wisdom that we can then pass on to others. One day of exploring the depth and wisdom we have obtained from a confusing and soul wrenching experience, which is beyond a narcissists understanding, is more valuable than a world full of the most appealing narcissists.

hi, I too question, born that way or made that way, a childs emotional being, is set when in utero, as well as some from genetics adn environmental as well…. so often I am curious as to what was the state of mind, emotional being, of the mother when carrying this babe, I find human developement, and psychology so interesting… behaviours too, I seem to attract narcissists, the point I myself wondered if I also was one, as one nearly had me convinced! Noooo…… because I can empathise, stand in anothers shoes, see all aspects, feel, respond naturally, connected to my heart and spirity. Thank you for an interesting break down. Cheers Vickie

Is that same with asperger syndrome?

Thank you ! I have been in no contact with mine for 3 months now and fined that I am confused about who I am! Is this normal ? I question everything and have no faith anymore.

Reblogged this on Keeponsmilin’s Weblog.

Are they the same as Devils?just curios but thanks for this information real helpful.

this has been so helpful….the no contact is absolutely the only way….the loss of my self worth has been harder…..it is coming back but needed to read this again to day…simply it is him and not me! that simple…analysis paralysis isn’t worth it.

Every point mentioned here about narc is 100% correct.Thank you Kim for helping me to understand them.Thank you so much.

This couldn’t have come at a better time for me. While I can’t “break up” with a parent, I’ve been trying to cut myself off from him for years. I hope one day I succeed.

It’s fascinating how you say they ‘copy emotional words’, as my narc did this to me frequently. Indeed, not only would he mimic my sentiments but often do so in an undermining way, so that I as then forced to search for other ways to meaningfully express myself which, lo and behold, he would then mimic and belittle, as if to say, ‘Yes, I know what you mean, but I still have the upper hand’. It was incredibly frustrating, and disempowering as, in essence, it meant no matter how hard I tried I could never communicate effectively with him as it always became a one-sided game of one-upmanship – using my own words against me.

Finally I understand why I alway felt like I was talking to a wall!! And boy can he imitate emotions we he needs to, but when it comes down to it – there is nothing there.

All of your posts make total sense to me. You say exactly what I’m feeling allowing me to feel normal and encouraging me to go forward. Nevertheless, there is that part of me that feels so sad for my ex narcissist. It must be a terrible thing to go through life unable to feel true love and always searching for something you’ll never possess.