Why Go No Contact with the Narcissist?

I find this so helpful I have remained no contact for 10months and I’m much more happy and getting my life back although I had to change my numbers and loose mutual trust and friends

What if he works with you?
Quitting my job is not an option.
I know i made a huge mistake and i really cant beat my self over it anymore.ive tried no contact but it is imposible.he calims im his property and that i belong to him.when i ignore him he gets mad or tries to make me jealous.i hate him n what he has done to me

Hi, yes, no contact is just for yourself.
Personally I never wanted to hurt the Narc, I just wanted peace.
I got very sick for several days after applying no contact back in July this year- almost had to go to the hospital (I was so sick I could not even smell food or eat anything, was shaking the whole time, even water made me vomit- but I am 100% sure that this was no food poisoning and literally noone around me was sick at that time) I now believe my body tried to get the “madness” out of my system.
Because after about 4 days suddenly the sickness was gone- literally just from one moment to another.
Anyone elese experienced this, too?

Initially I just wanted to say a massive ‘thank you’ Kim for this website, however as I started typing in turned into something much longer….

I wanted to share my story as a child of an overt bullying narc, and a codependent narc. I think it’s been mentioned on the site here that one of the reasons anyone should cut ties with a narc is due to the impact it can have on kids. It’s so true. Many of the abusive actions a narc does to you as a partner (isolates you, threatens you, steamrolls over your needs etc) they will do to your kids. If there are any readers here who are in a rel with a narc and have kids (or are thinking of having kids), please please get in touch with your inner protective tigress!! You do NOT want to have your kids around a narc. Don’t make excuses for your narc, or go into denial about the abuse that’s happening. Narcs are dangerous. You would not put a toddler in a war zone.

Ok, well here goes – I grew up with two narc parents (yowsers) in a very trapped, messy, scary household. My abusive dad walked out in my late teens, and he tried to ‘re-connect’ with me to build a rel via my mother, but it was power play. After numerous attempts at turning the other cheek & giving him lots of second chances, I couldn’t keep putting myself through repeated heartaches. I went full no contact with him at 21. He maintained contact with my younger brother though, and made threats to him when he was at uni. It re-confirmed to me that my Dad was a piece of work and I had done well to cut ties.

Over this xmas break, he sent me a card via my mother (who he has an address for in case of emergencies) and she passed comments about me being cold hearted for not wanting to get in touch with him. (my mother hasn’t had therapy after their marriage ended, and I believe is in denial that abuse happened. she’s turned her co-dep towards my brother.) It did plant a little seed of doubt, the same old ‘be nice, extend kindness esp over the holidays, people can change’ etc etc.

But after reading your blog posts it reminded me very clearly that 1) in these situations you have to value your own boundaries and safety beyond society’s ideas of ‘being nice, forgive, there’s always a chance you can work things out’ (as it doesn’t apply to narc’s!) and 2) to fricking stop trying to work out the whys and reasons behind a narc’s behaviour. Instead put the attention on your own needs and happiness.

Being in a rel with a narc, your own opinions, needs, being get woefully neglected as it is – your attn is squarely on them, whether you’re trying to fix/appease them or making sure you don’t do anything to set them off in a rage. Once you’re ‘free’ from the narc, you need to put the attn on yourself, rather than keep thinking about them. I realised I’d wasted so much time over the years (inc after going no contact) trying to get answers and some kind of understanding as to why my dad is the way he is, alongside wasting time struggling with myself (no contact vs give him another chance).
:
My boundaries and personal safety are more important than being liked or being seen as a ‘good, nice person’ (esp when dealing with a narc). I sympathise with anyone who is in a situation with a narc, as they can be super charming and/or deceitful in public, so that when you talk to friends or extended relatives about the narc they can’t believe that ‘charming’ person that bullied you into keeping up appearances in public is actually a monster. I’ve had so many people not believe my experience, because they can’t see what happens behind closed doors. So then you get judged as being cold (esp when you’re cutting ties with a narc in your family!).

So you need to stay strong with your experience, your truth, and your boundaries, even if it seems the world is trying to make you go against your instincts.

It’s been helpful just to share this openly, actually, to people who ‘get it’. Being in a rel with someone who has NPD is so insidious, and slippery, I think the only people who can understand what you’ve been through are others who’ve been through it too.

Thanks Kim for the reminders to stay strong and stick with no contact!

We have a child together so we have to at least interact during switches between homes. I have been maintaining a modified no contact for over a month with him and obviously he doesn’t like it cause today he starting yelling at me trying to get me sucked back in. Trying to stay strong. He is toxic.

I’m on day six of no contact. I can’t breath….. It hurts so bad. I keep reminding myself that I don’t want someone like him in my life….but the sting of his rejection weighs heavy on my heart. Aside from that…I’m so angry…mostly at myself.

Interesting! I am wondering if your radio show has started yet Kim? And if so, when is it aired?

Great advice. Only after not having contact for a few months I realized how addicted I was to the highs of being on the pedestal he would place me on. It only took 35 years to realize that I was so much more than those limited times of validation. He knew how to lure me back into that trap after knocking me down time and time again…I guess I’m a slow learner… <3

Reblogged this on Speak Through Your Heart and Your Mind Will Follow and commented:
For healing it’s very important to keep no contact going for as long as you can. Even after the order has expired, have the discipline to keep it going without the help of the legal system.

May I share this?

It’s amazing how once you experience the feeling of healing, peace of mind, and contentment, you wouldn’t want to go back for anything. Having a calm mind and spirit is worth more than we know until you try it and commit to it!

Maybe some people start No Contact for the wrong reasons, but then continue for better reasons, like “I deserve it!” reasons.