Narcissistic Abuse = Prison Camp Effect

Thanks for your blog, just found you and need as much help as I can grab right now. Something I’m struggling with that keeps me in the lowliness, is the fact that I have to go out and find a whole new set of friends because he’s so convincing..
I don’t just grieve the loss of dreams built with him (or so I thought) and the loss of him (or the lies he fed me until I realized they were lies) but it’s a whole new world for me..
This isn’t like loosing a job,, you don’t loose your friends too, at a job. They usually follow you through ups and downs.. But each time I was wiggling towards the door, he’d find a way to smear campaign the poo outta me, leaving me in my confusion while sitting in the realization that I’d lost another of my support.. And too often it was done behind my back so I had no clue (a couple friends had been gone for several years before I even found out the truth)..
Betrayal is traumatic.. It affects so much more than just self-esteem and finances.. It shakes us to our very core because betrayal is all about doing things behind another’s back.. where we have absolutely no fail safe or damage control..
And the worst thing is, that I introduced him to all those friends and gave him a recommendation by being with him and then he exploits it.. Lowliness.. boo hiss

Hi Kim,
I can not imagine you having the time to read and reflect on all those who have written what their experience and ordeal has been or still going through. This web page at the very least helps to me to understand how deep seated and plagued the society is. That a disordered self that is so destructive, abusive and manipulative that can become so dangerous – is anything but ‘normal’, but widely accepted as such and therefore the general blindness and acceptance, tolerance to an actual insanity. I miss my true self and the true selves of others that I once was more innocently involved with. Innocent in that we were together for true and real reasons like; I like you, you are my friend, I trust you, I love you, I enjoy being with you, I appreciate you, you are kind to me, you are respectful to me. I turned a corner back in the 1980’s going from myself, where survival was extremely difficult and just one disappointing let down and loss after the other. I think that led me to a madness, I felt I could not survive and that insanity was the only option and gave some thing of myself to it. I did not realize what I had done, but in that choice I had offered, sacrificed part of myself for just such a realm of madness and for whatever unknown thrived in that darkness – I was soon to find out. It was not so difficult to surrender to insanity – it has been a long journey out, to find a way back to myself. It has been a very long route and detour. When a person is alone in the world without support it just makes loss, disappointment and despair that much more of a struggle to handle on one’s own. I regret the choice of insanity, it was no security at all. The pain of a death in the loss of a relationship or a dream that seems to collapse – is very painful and a cavernous depth of sorrow and despair leads to a multiplicity of complex layered hurtful and further self wounding actions, perhaps even a physical death, numerous and countless individuals have fallen way and so have I. It seems all too common a circumstance in western culture and the Indigenous culture that has become surrounded by it. Perhaps it is in that dark place where the path then narrows to two choices – the abnormal self destruction, or the normal narcissistic abuser. It is difficult to see in opaque light that many more choices are available. It is a devastating thing to go through – recovering from it seems a lifelong process. It doesn’t seem so very different from cancer; the ticking time bomb inside the body, the cell in character and personality. It is kind and necessary for humanity to be secure from it and protected from such a cruel and disparate reality. So much is said about recovery – but I can sense the problem is widespread, amazingly so. Recovery, seems better a pronoun like – I am a Recoverist or I belong to the Recoverist committee. Individually it is but one small step, the hope for self and for the world to be human and humane. It alone does not change much but collectively, the more and more individuals who are taking that one giant little step – it helps to propel the collective energy toward a true life and reality and fulfillment of whole self. I feel confident that it must be one day, lest there be no world that has life, and contemplating that is an unthinkable tragedy that intelligence could not conceive. The worst of it begins in childhood – cut off and severed from self and human beings. What a sorrow for child dreams that could not fly, for the magnificent and perfect prism reflecting beautiful light that was smashed for dreaming mind and world because of the plethora of excuses from absurd adult world who wanted the best of both or at least what was taken or lost for them but to take it from their own child or another, and impoverishing them. It is the beginning and the end. The tragedy is a world that has no place for children but adult games of monopoly – who moves where and when, who wins, who is suppose to win – played out on society is insanity and made into history was, is, shamefulness and ignorance on humanity. I can not offer doubt, just means I really do not know. For child. for life, for earth, for love itself, come a time when the disease slough away for lack of a living host. I think that it is all the collective push and breath for the mother to bare down as the mind is opened up for the delivery of humanity into a world complete. Then will we truly be. I could not wish to have the opportunity again to step into human being shoes or being, it was so difficult and painful, and lonely. I wish to sparkle up in the sky one day like the billions of other stars, to not look upon the earth in horror or disgrace but to shine brilliantly for an amazingly beautiful life in all the life, brave, courageous, loving and true: human being you are exquisite and divine and I adore your light along with all the beings in the universe – a part of the whole; miraculous magnificence.

ahhh. Now at least I don’t think I’m going crazy. Although my narc has left, he still calls me everyday. I feel stuck. I don’t want him back now, but I can’t seem to let him go. My greatest fear is that he’ll come up empty on his end and show up at my door again.

Permission to move on….
Was exactly what i needed. Thankfully i’m finding that inside me now. FINALLY! Its been a long hard struggle!

Hi. I have been married to a Narcissist husband for about 6 years now and we’ve known each other 7 years. We married very young. I was 19 and he was 18 at the time. I am now 25 and he is now 24. Thus far at this very moment, He has now completely move on (at least that’s what it seems like) with his new family. He now has a 11 month year old daughter with a woman who is actually an extreme Narcissist/Histrionic person, herself. Her disorder is way more extreme than my husband’s. In fact, it seems as though my husband still has some narcissistic ways about him, but now that he is with her, he seems to have taken on the role of the more codependent one in their relationship. Before being with her, he never had a woman like her, or maybe I should say, like himself. The woman, herself, actually has traits of codependency, as well, but only mainly when he tries or threatens to leave her. That is when her codependency/histrionic side comes out. She becomes irrational, violent against him or even herself, etc. She just becomes very verbally, emotionally, and physically drastic until she reels him back in and then she returns to her narcissistic and controlling ways….once it seems he has gone back to his codependent ways. It’s so crazy, because I always wondered why he wanted her so badly or just couldn’t seem to give her up or get her out of his system, but now that I have taken time to really research and study all of these behaviors and disorders, it all makes perfect since, even though sometimes a little complex at times. As bad as I feel for myself (a codependent when I was with him), I feel much more empathy for the innocent child. But my husband absolutely loves and adores his daughter and works 2 jobs to make sure she has whatever it is she needs and loves spending time with his daughter and loves being a father, in general. It’s the mother I’m concerned about. She tends to use the baby as a “tool,” especially when there is any disagreements between her and my husband or if he tries or threatens to leave her. She then becomes verbally, emotionally, and physically drastic and abusive to either my husband or herself or both, even going so far as to convincing him that their child will suffer if they don’t make things work as a family. And considering that he has always wanted to be a good father and have a close nit family because that is what he has never had before, that is something he definitely doesn’t want to happen. So he stays to try to make things work. She always promises that she will try to change, but that she needs him to stay and not give up on her. And I guess he has it stuck in his head that he can save her because that is where his now codependent traits start to chime in. It’s so crazy how he was a complete narcissist with me in our marriage, but more if a codependent in theirs because she has more of the role as a narcissist. Okay, now that you have a background view of where I am coming from or the type of person I have dealt with, I want to know why won’t my husband divorce me if he clearly has moved on and has his own family and situation going on with her? They live together and he has absolutely no communication with me at all. And of course, she makes sure of it. He allows her to constantly go through his phone and email and anything else she wants to go through to constantly remind her that she is in control and that he isn’t going to abandon his family. Why won’t he file for divorce? As a codependent person, it is difficult to get the nerve to file for a divorce myself so I guess as much as it would hurt, I’d rather him file for a divorce. I guess I feel like maybe I’d feel more reliever if he did it. If that makes any sense at all. But so far, there aren’t any signs of him filing any time soon. I used to ask him “what do you think we should do?” OR “What do you think I should do?” Should I file for a divorce because maybe you don’t feel there is any hope for us or should I stick it out a bit longer because maybe you feel we have a chance down the line?” And he would tell me “I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. That has to be solely up to you. You have to do whatever you think is right for you.” In my mind I was like “Wtf?!? That is a cowardly comeback or statement to make. You danced around an honest and direct answer that I deserve to help seek a resolution.” I honestly wish that instead of asking the question I asked, I would have asked “WHY WON’T YOU FILE FOR A DIVORCE AND DIVORCE ME?” But now that we don’t talk anymore, I guess I’ll never get to ask that and even if I got the chance, probably wouldn’t get an honest answer. SMH. So I guess that’s why I’m here asking you.

So much wisdom and especially this point from you, Kim: “The truth is, as long as we keep exposing ourselves to our toxic abuser, we will not heal. There is absolutely no way around it. If you are leaving a crack open for your Narcissistic Ex, you will not have a normal life, and you will continue to be miserable.”

can you expand this about being raised by a narcistic emotional vampire parent? and there is no “before” to tap into? ( i am referring to a sentence in this article about before the marriage one had some semblance of self – not your words, but that is how i interpreted it – if that is ok?)

Thank you for posting this today, Kim; it was exactly what I needed to read – and your point about trust in others being covered but not gone makes me want to cry from combined grief and that tiny ghost of potential reassurance/healing. xxx

Powerful. “Letting go means acknowledging that you were abused, but taking the steps to move past it.” Amen!! Thanks for sharing.

This is great and exactly what I needed to hear!

You’ll never find someone who will put up with your crazy. I want to have kids, but not with you because I refuse to have a 300 lb wife. I think about killing myself all the time because you don’t do enough for me…

ugh, I can’t read some of this stuff..! Was S on this extreme end?

Sent from my iPad

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Same here, My ex N focused on my physical self too. From me being gorgeous attractive looking, by him, to all of sudden he changed his opinions and found flaws in every part of my physical body. My make up was never enough for him, I had to cake myself up. Kim, you stated do what makes you comfortable and what makes me feel good. I do, I go out with absolute no make up. I want to look naturally beautiful, but than I get remarks from outsiders ” are you not well today?” ” seems like you did not sleep well last night!” but I continue to not apply make up only on certain occasions I do. These men are horrible human beings, mine was down right not good looking at all, he thought he was !. I did not go for looks, I went for humbleness ( he was at the beginning ), soft spoken ( little did I know i was being charmed into his web of lies and deceit ). Yes I too have my days where I can’t forgive myself for ever being involved with such low life man. I wish I had just been strong and firm and not loved.

Angelina-

Kim’s advice is spot on!

I’d like to make one more suggestion that I find helpful in getting back on the path to self esteem. There is nothing that makes us feel better about ourselves than helping others. I find that doing volunteer work gives people a leg up and out of their self-focus. Finding a soup-kitchen or hospital or school where kids need learning assistance can go a long way to making us feel empowered and in-control once again.

Another helpful behavior is getting endorphin-pumping physical exercise. Especially when your self-esteem is down in the dumps. Force yourself out the door for a rigorous walk around the block! Put on your favorite record and dance up a storm in your living room! Don’t sit and think….. you’ve gotta get yourself moving!

Yes, those ruminations will come back when you stop, but pretty soon, you’ll be able to tap back into those good feelings and guide yourself back to the activities that will make you feel better.

You’re going through a process of grieving your losses. If you lost a loved one, you’d be bereft. Guess what…. no matter how badly you were injured, you lost a loved one. Give yourself the space to grieve your losses and the behaviors that will put your self-esteem back on track.

Wishing a speedy recovery!

Joyce

My exNarc focused his emotional abuse toward my physical self. His comments caused me to feel unattractive, unworthy and lower than pond scum. (For the record, pond scum is teaming with new life!) And so am I!