Emotional healing after narcissistic abuse

6 Steps to Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse (#1 is the most important!)

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How long does it take to achieve emotional healing after narcissistic abuse? 

Perhaps you’ve been sitting around, asking yourself the following questions…

“Why does it take so long to heal from this heartache?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about the person who treated me like crap?”, “Why do I still love them after what they did to me?”, “Will this pain ever go away?”

Obsessing over an emotionally abusive relationship is draining, and often so detrimental that many lose their jobs, homes, and even custody of their children.  In severe cases, suicide is attempted and sometimes successfully carried out.

There are many elements involved in healing from narcissistic abuse.  Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grieving, denial, anger, and depression.  However, unlike a typical break-up where you would eventually get to a point of acceptance, many victims of narcissistic abuse stay fixated and obsess about their abuser, often suffering as long as ten years or more post-breakup.

Why does this happen and what can you do in your journey of emotional healing after narcissistic abuse?

Following are the top six tips for emotional healing after narcissistic abuse…

1 – Learn grounding techniques and self-soothing methods

The secret sauce that you won’t find in many articles regarding healing is the importance of learning to ground yourself – a.k.a. self-soothing. Whether you do this is a good indicator of whether or not you will truly begin to heal.

Narcissistic abuse is an emotional trauma.  It targets your primal abandonment wound. When you feel betrayed, rejected, and abandoned by the narcissist, your amygdala hijacks your rational thinking and sends you into fight-or-flight mode.  You have a thought (I’ve been rejected because I’m not good enough), you experience an emotion from that thought (panic, sadness, depression), and then you run with it like a Running Back on crack with blinders on.

Yeah…you’ll want to stop doing that.

There’s not a lot you can do to prevent this from happening completely, but practicing self-soothing methods and grounding techniques will help damper this emotional hijack if repeated consistently. The best techniques are the same ones used to help with PTSD triggers and emotional trauma.

Learning to self-soothe is the critical first step because otherwise, any activities you engage in to heal and move forward will be drained away by the emotional hijacking caused by your amygdala.

2 – Allow yourself to grieve and be angry

Many victims of narcissistic abuse have a false perception that since the narcissist was a fraud and the relationship was one-sided, that they shouldn’t allow themselves to grieve or vent their anger. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Not allowing yourself to process these feelings often leads to detrimental outcomes at a later point in time, such as getting stuck in emotional, or spiritual levels of bereavement.  This typically manifests in symptoms such as:

  1. Staying stuck in a sad, angry, or depressive state, or often feeling emotionless
  2. Signs of suppressed anger
  3. Prolonged exhaustion, depression, or indifference
  4. One or more addictions
  5. Repeated avoidances
  6. Some type of chronic pain or illness
  7. Obesity and/or eating disorders

3 – Seek professional help if you believe you may suffer from any form of psychological neuroses, such as complicated grief

Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.  

Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot of business is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, the discrediting of your character, questions unanswered, and unrequited love. You’re left hanging, unable to complete your relationship with your abuser and feeling stuck in the pain of your grief.

What makes this type of grief so excruciating is that you must grieve twice – once for the person who love-bombed you and for whom you fought to bring back amidst soul-shattering abuse, and you also grieve the end of the relationship.

If you believe you might be suffering from complicated grief, please seek the services of a licensed therapist who specializes in emotional abuse/trauma.  It may be necessary to go on medication, but inquire about non-addictive ones that you can use on your most difficult days.

(Please note – complicated grief used to be attributed strictly to bereavement, but medical professionals now agree that it can apply to any type of traumatic loss).

4 – Make sure you’ve implemented No Contact in its true form

Many victims of narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open in the event the narcissist decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve been “No Contact” for such-and-such amount of time, but then receive a call or email from their ex.  If the narcissist has a way in, then No Contact hasn’t been properly executed.  This is the primary cause of not being able to heal because as long as your abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place. 

Once the narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, you’re back in the thick of the abuse.  (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).

Remember, narcissists are smug in their belief that you will surrender to their manipulations.  Not going No Contact only strengthens their feelings of entitlement and perceived power and reduces your chances of emotional healing after narcissistic abuse.

If you need help and encouragement with emotional healing after narcissistic abuse, The Break Free Program can help.

5 – Stop researching Narcissism 24/7

During the phase of discovery, educating yourself about narcissism is essential in understanding the traits of the disorder and helps you recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, your focus should then turn to healing methods, self-care, and narcissistic abuse recovery.

Constant research on the traits of narcissism keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery.  Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”?  Each time you repeat a particular thought or action, you reinforce the connection between your neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing your day-to-day reality.  Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first, but with practice, they too will become habitual and will help you recover faster.

6 – Work on your self-esteem

The number one, most important thing to realize is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated, invisible.  What that means is that even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue.

Narcissists strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked…to keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods.  Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all”.  

Remember, most of what comes out of their mouth is a lie, including the negative things they say about you.

3 Habits to Avoid During Emotional Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

While healing is different for everyone, there are particular things we do that hinder healing, and can even reverse any progress we may have made. Ironically, these are activities that every person coming out of a toxic relationship does, and further, ones which we are innately wired to do!

Having gone through these experiences myself, I do not come from a place of judgment, but rather, I hope to save you time (and more heartbreak).  Below, I share the top three behaviors that hinder emotional healing from narcissistic abuse and often keep survivors from ultimately making it over the threshold to the peace that awaits on the other side.

1. Reading an inordinate amount of material relating to narcissism.

When you first began researching reasons why the narcissist behaves the way they do, the discovery that they may be narcissistic probably felt validating. It helped bring clarity to their behaviors, as well as your reactions to those behaviors.

However, there comes a point where further reading on the topic of narcissism becomes moot and even destructive. Moot because having a Ph.D. in narcissism won’t change the outcome of the relationship. Destructive because it keeps your focus on the narcissist, the abuse, the trauma, and, more importantly, it keeps you from focusing on healing your own wounds.

I’ve worked with coaching clients who have been out of the relationship for years and still read about narcissism for hours a day. I can say with confidence that this is a substantial reason why they haven’t moved on.

A healing alternative: True healing begins with looking inside to your own inner, wounded core. Nothing outside of you will help you heal because your emotional injuries are within. Instead of researching how the narcissist became a narcissist, the type of narcissist they might be, and where they lie on the narcissistic continuum, turn your focus onto healing your damaged self-image and healing the toxic shame that the narcissist cultivated inside you in order to keep you dependent upon them.

What fires together, wires together. Meaning, whatever you feed your mind on a daily basis is what determines your baseline thought patterns.  Limit your consumption of material on narcissism to about 90/10 (90% healing, 10% narcissism).

“A person in pain is being spoken to by that part of himself that knows only how to communicate this way.”
~ Malidoma Patrice Some

2. Believing that time heals all wounds.

Aside from my own discovery that time alone most certainly does not heal all wounds, there are thousands of examples all over the internet that disprove this myth. If time healed wounds, there wouldn’t be people who are still suffering five and ten years after their relationship ended (sometimes longer!)

Time doesn’t heal, it simply passes. Emotional healing after narcissistic abuse has everything to do with what you do with that time.

The key to recovery is action, not time.

The subconscious mind is impersonal. It will work to achieve whatever goals you set before it, whether good or bad. Present it with goals of healing and recovery, and it will work to help you achieve those goals. The same goes for presenting it with goals for figuring out the narcissist. It may aid you in gaining knowledge about the narcissist’s condition, but that only leads you back to the inevitable outcome, which ultimately leaves you with nothing to show for all the hours invested in such an undertaking.

A healing alternative: If you’ve just discovered you are dealing with a narcissist, it’s only natural to want to analyze their motives, actions, and behaviors. That’s what our brains are designed to do. However, to expand on topic #1, when you get to the point where you are consistently reading information that you already know, that’s a good point at which to end your research on narcissism and turn your focus onto your healing.

When you do begin your healing work, keep in mind that in order for your subconscious mind to heal, it must experience healing events. Specifically, you may find some very good videos, books, or other written material on the subject of healing, but acquiring information through reading is passive. In other words, you must actively engage in the suggested healing activities in order for new neural patterns to form in your brain…a good rule of thumb is to choose a healing habit and practice it every day for at least 21 days.

It won’t do much good, for instance, if you only read books without putting into action what you have read.  For example, studies have shown the powerful effect that writing has on the recovery process.  It helps to form new neural pathways, whereas when you read or watch videos, your brain actually filters out most of what you consume!  This is why there are various writing activities inside my therapist-approved program for narcissistic abuse recovery.  

“People are healed by different kinds of healers and systems because the real healer is within.”
~ George Goodheart

3. Piece-mealing information together from hundreds of different websites and forums.

I learned the hard way that more information is not always better. There is an inherent risk involved in taking to heart everything one reads on the internet, especially when it involves healing from narcissistic abuse.

It’s tempting to get into the habit of collecting information from numerous sites, but then you run the risk of becoming so overwhelmed with the gargantuan mountain of data that you simply freeze, unable to form an actionable plan.

Healing alternatives: Try to stick to a handful of authors whom you have grown to trust. Stop simply collecting information and, instead, begin the programs that are suggested or created by the authors whom you admire the most.

It’s also prudent to stay away from sites that only bathe in trauma, going on and on about narcissists and their dirty, evil deeds and post photos that traumatize the subconscious mind. Instead, follow ones that offer perspectives from the target’s point of view, as well as ones that suggest different healing modalities.

Please know this about healing from narcissistic abuse…

It’s never too late to reclaim your life – to find yourself on the path towards your soul’s true healings and cravings.

You have it in your power to survive tough times – and come out stronger, better, wiser.

I know this personally.  It can be your story, too.

If you’re ready to break free and get started on the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse NOW, there’s only ONE way to do it: Let me show you how to forget the narcissist and move on.  

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Leave a Comment:

jon lennips says January 15, 2020

went thru this last year and very hard being with someone like that and with a daughter too and no contact hard and always blames and says crazy and calls police silly things and can see daughter but have to remain calm or she blows up

Brit C says November 7, 2019

This article really gave me life! I think I was healing just reading this. Thank you !

Lost says September 17, 2019

Hmm, great advice. Thank you.
My first boyfriend was a narcissist. I don’t know how much time i’ve spent researching narcissism and learning every little red flag.

I’ve downplayed what i’ve went through though because the relationship was “only” one year long while many people are stuck with a narcissist for years. I have my mother to thank for pulling me out of the relationship, she is incredibly stubborn and tough and she got through to me when I was going through the absolute worst period of our relationship where I was being threatened by him one day and lovebombed the next.

I am no longer in love with him and i’m slowly starting to see it for what it was: abuse and a traumatizing experience. I shut off entirely after it ended and I was emotionless for months. I still haven’t opened up entirely again, it’s been nearly 4 years.
I went to therapy but my therapist was incompetent when it came to narcissistic abuse and even thought it seemed like a great idea for me to get back in touch with him which I in all my confusion told her that I sometimes felt like doing!

I haven’t spoken a word to him since the day we broke up but I still check up on his social media probably every week… I don’t know why. I check his relationship status. Sometimes I wonder why I was never good enough. He tries to get in touch with me sometimes but I ignore him. He doesn’t actually text me but he’ll follow and unfollow me on instagram for example, stuff like that to get my attention… Whenever it happens I get overflooded with anxiety. Last time he did it was on christmas eve, as if i’d like to have him on my mind then!..

I have met a great man now whom i’ve known long enough before we started dating to know that I can trust him but this relationship still messes with me and makes it difficult to let him in as much as I should. It’s like it still feels wrong to let someone else touch me like he did. Like he still has some kind of hold on me and all I want is to break free from that…

One of the last things he said to me was that he’s sorry he “broke” me and that he knows he left me “damaged”. He tried to make it seem like he was sorry about this genuienly but first of all he moved on in a week and secondly it felt like he only used those words to really put the idea in my head that I was indeed damaged now. And I hate to admit that he succeeded with that.

Monika says September 2, 2019

Because 2 weeks ago I by chance watched Kim’s video, 3 days later I was 100% sure I am 28 years supply to my covert passive-aggressive nar’c by the book, then I cried non stop 72 hours and today I signed to join Celebrate recovery group at a church I have never been to. I will let you know how this goes. My only addiction is serving narcissists. 2 weeks ago I had no idea about narcissism and didn’t know that a people like my ex are walking this planet. Today, thanks to Kim I am out of the fog and starting recovery. Now I feel like I am crying on the other side of the cage – everything looks greener and even smell better.
Thank you!

Gail Penniman says August 4, 2019

I have begun writing poems that simply flow from the experiences and insights during the abusive time and since getting out, finding Kim and my therapist and learning to like and love myself again. So creative and healing. So far I have 2 dozen poems. Got out after 35 years of marriage!

Myra Pisarek says August 2, 2019

When I began my healing journey, I found multiple approaches beneficial. The most helpful for me were the following:
yoga, especially yin yoga;
therapy with a professional experienced in trauma work;
Listened exclusively to relaxation and yoga music;
Spent time in nature – even if just in my backyard;
There is no “one size fits all” approach, but I truly believe if you set your intention, focus on healing, and open your mind, and spirit, you will find the healing approaches best for you.

Tina says August 2, 2019

We were together 19 years and then boom, he left. I know i’m better off without him but I’m struggling with this so much. I feel weak most days.

Geraldine says August 2, 2019

Rediscovering my sense of humour was the happiest day and realising I was going to make it. Concentrating on healing yourself is the only way and then they just start to become irrelevant.

Sherry says August 1, 2019

I feel like I am a success story; I can finally say that I know peace and joy. It’s been a long, rough road. I wanted to give up more times than can count. I was w NEX for 16yrs. Lengthy divorce & custody battle once left. I moved out almost 5 yrs ago. It’s taken me that long to get back ME.
Yet, I couldn’t begin healing process until divorce final since NEX had his flying monkeys always watching me. We live in a tiny town & NEX is Med Director of large facility here.
It takes as long as it takes. But what helped me most? About 6mo ago, I got fed up. I was sick of living in fear. I was beginning to feel like I wanted to dance but my feet were stuck in narc abuse quick sand. I’ve been in multiple online narc survivor grps-, hit me I was reliving old traumas over & over in these grps I’m grateful for them but felt it was getting on a hamster wheel – going no where. I stopped reading what I already knew about abuse; like if read every possible article, I would be fixed. I stuck w this site though bc felt most helpful one.
My health was crap. Fibro, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS – list goes on. I’m certain these illness are result of being in survival mode most of my life. My mother has many narc characteristics & gas lighting me since a child. No wonder married abusive men! But I got mad. This was a new kind of anger – it’s the anger feel when someone hurts one’s child comes to mind. Only I went Momma Bear on myself. I was done with being “victim” yet even saying “survivor” felt kept me locked in this hurt mental state. I began making lists of things I had accomplished in my life going back to childhood. I listed how many ways I had positively impacted others. I listed my best attributes. All those lists made me see myself as a whole. I began pushing self to get into shape. I’d been walking on the red road (Native American spirituality). The spiritual part is essential for my healing
I wanted to do a sun dance which is incredibly brutal both physically & mentally. With all the illnesses, I thought impossible. I worked hard focusing on dancing whenever old fears arose. When went to sun dance, I was a mess w fear and anxiety. Had my car not died, I might have run. I literally put one foot in front of the other! It was scary at first since around so many ppl while living years like a hermit. Then I went through not deserving such an opportunity but focused on the moment. Chronic fatigue and chronic pain? Wasn’t until my 3rd day dancing in the Az desert did I realize my hip hurt. And it hurt bc sleeping on cot for days. I actually completed dance and got these parts of me back. I had fulfilled a dream I thought impossible! I pushed harder than ever before bc that’s who I am really. The spiritual connections – however one chooses to pray- is essential in my mind. I still have moments of severe anxiety but they don’t last like used to. I had used meds to control it but no longer need them. I reached my therapeutic goals so taking break from therapy. (Note that I reached goals bc trauma therapy is critical in my opinion & want to be clear I don’t recommend stopping therapy bc gets hard or whatever).

I am not a victim nor am I a survivor – I am Sherry. I want to stress never give up hope bc healing & finding peace & joy is attainable. Don’t give up on self – ever!

    Sharlee says August 4, 2019

    That’s beautiful Sherry, thank you. It is a long, tough road, but I’m slowly seeing that the only way to go is to keep moving forward, down that road.

    Diana says November 4, 2019

    What a lovely, inspiring story! Thank you!

Lisa says August 1, 2019

I was in a 30 year marriage with a genius narcissistic. I have never seen anyone so skilled at manipulation and making his false self appear so perfect. He assaulted me and the police even believed him that that he did nothing. I’ve lost my beautiful home, possessions, friends, soul; and also lost my adult children who just tell me it’s my fault too as I should have left many years ago and now won’t talk to me about anything. That don’t understand that is very difficult to do with a genius manipulator and 3 children. I just kept hoping my husband would come around during those decades. I just don’t seem to get better despite a lot of therapy and healing modules. My ex pushes everything out in the hopes that I die or wear out so he acquires all the money. He had been planning to discard me for a year and now it’s been almost a year since the discard. I am so depressed.

Sharon says August 1, 2019

Hi Kim, do you have information on how to deal with an adult narcissistic son that gets it from your ex? He is my son, I love him dearly and I don’t feel right cutting him out of my life with no contact. Even though I have learned to not let him use me or manipulate me, it is painful to see him use other people and lie, cheat, steal. How do I stop feeling responsible for his actions because I brought him into the world?

Rachel says July 10, 2019

Thank you so much for writing this and for everyone’s comments. I also want to initiate “no contact” with my ex husband but I’m terrified I will have no one left to talk to after 15 years of marriage. I’m moved in with my father as my mother passed this year, too. I’m learning how to navigate through this new phone and would greatly appreciate all the help I could get. Thank you for reminding me that most of what a narcissist says are lies, it reminded me to stop and take a moment to feel better about myself you know? I hope you all do too!!!

Angela says January 17, 2019

How difficult it is to try to remain no contact when the Narcissist is my sister and I’m living with my mother… My parents divorced when I was 5 my sister is 2 & 1/2 yrs younger. My father who has been deceased 4 yrs tomorrow was a Narcassist I was the pawn, the scapegoat, the rebel, I’ve done everything I can to try to remain no contact. how do I tell family & friends I don’t want to hear, talk about anything pertaining to my sister? My mother has framed pictures of us together. What do you recommend I do when everything is a reminder. I have her phone number blocked, email and social media accounts all blocked.. we share family and friends do I delete my social media account?
Please advise, I’ve accepted that the person ( people ) I loved, do not exist, she won’t change and I want to move forward. I’m surrounded by reminders of her constantly.. How do I free myself of my Narcassist when she lives 20 minutes away and my mother goes to see her and her grandchildren. Please help

Nancy Janitz says September 12, 2018

I have been a Domestic Violence Survivor since childhood and marriage and relationship experiences and the very important issue is that I have PTSD since age 8 and my Brain is wired because of the environment of constant violence in my life and I have been seeing a Psychiatrist since 1986! And I am now “64”!

r says August 27, 2018

I was discarded after 2.5 years with a N. I’ve found all of these links and information and want to tell her that she is a narcissist and what i experienced is narcissistic abuse. I know it’s a useless endevour.

    Kim Saeed says August 27, 2018

    I can relate to your desire to tell her what she is, but as you said, it’s never an effective approach. Best to find a way to process everything without involving her.



Alex Mercado-Silva says August 23, 2018

Dear Kim i just listens to the youtu video and it truly gsve me chills hoe i already am at the trauma level and i do have a child eith her… Ive lost jobs due to panic and anxiety,, lost self esteem and truly loat overall enjoyment of life.. I really would like to speak to you or be apart of this healing because i have done the rrsearching part to wear i ha e mutliple videos of what a narcicist is and all of it.. Jus to lease .. I need guidancr

Amy says August 14, 2018

Do you have any advice for going no contact when you have a business together and have to live together during the separation? We separated in February but have been living together (in separate bedrooms since) We have gone from major fights to becoming “friends” again due to our business but I found out he is having an affair last week so have stopped everything. My one requirement was that he not date until we were not living together. I did not realize I was married to a narcissist until recently but he is textbook! I am working on just discussing business (I cannot leave this business) and our son with him but he keeps turning the conversation to himself and his problems at work. I sent him a list of moving forward i.e. I will not cook, shop, help him in anyway outside the business. He read it but appears to be pretending that it is not actually happening and being way overly nice and happy as if nothing is wrong…I feel like he is doing this to make me feel guilty for ignoring him but it is hard when you are in the same house…suggestions?

    Kim Saeed says August 15, 2018

    Hi Amy,

    The best way to handle these matters is to let your attorney handle specifics regarding the business and your son. There is no point in having conversations with him or sending him lists because he will always do the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish. Don’t have any face-to-face conversations, only communicate via email and simply refuse his attempts to have conversations with you. It’s going to be up to you to enforce boundaries because he will ignore them all, unfortunately.


      Amy says August 15, 2018

      Thank you; we do not have attorney’s. We came to terms and signed a separation agreement which will transfer to our divorce decree. I got what I wanted and so did he so we are good. I have to communicate with him daily on the business; there is no way out of it and it has too much value to walk away from. I am planning on selling my shares in the next year or two but in the meantime I will just walk away when the conversation changes from business to personal. It just blows me away that he is pretending everything is wonderful and he is so jovial towards me when he knows how bad things really are. It is creepy at best. Thank you again. Wonderful site and articles!

    Gen says November 3, 2019

    Start making a plan to exit. The home. Step by step. Day by day. And then relook at the business. Can you buy him out? Knowing where you want to be and how you want life to be is half the battle. I do understand living a separate life under one roof. Extremely hard. You deserve better.

5 Brutal Ways New Abuse Survivors Torture Themselves - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 9, 2018

[…] Check the list above and see if you’re causing yourself needless pain.  Then, download the Beginner’s Healing Toolbox below to get started on emotional healing after narcissistic abuse.  […]

Anonymous says August 4, 2018

The N. in my life is my sons wife. my granddaughter came to me falling in my arms crying that her parents were terrible. not wanting to go home,, she was 17 at the time. her mother said terrible things to her and very controlling of everyone including my son. Sons wife even convinced my oldest grandson to cut ties with me and not let me even see my great granddaughter because I took his sister in…. then I was accused of stealing my granddaughter and that’s why she left home. what a mess,, now my son hardly talks to me,, said he didn’t want to be in the middle ,, but his wife is pushing him farther and farther away from me

stacy says June 28, 2018

It has been 2 years this august, I spent almost 2 years drinking alcohol and literally trying to numb myself from the pain… the pain of losing my kids my home my job and my sanity . while trying to reconcile with my my narc. After getting a dui and creating more pain for myself and keeping my addiction to my childs father my narc in tact…all the while I lost my home again and what little I did have left from my break up in the first place. I had a lighbulb go off last weekend ( during my 30 min visit ) with my 3 year old that I share with the narc… he was bragging about going to yacht club parties with single moms etc… its like really How much more pain do I need to subject my self to? I wanted to drink alcohol so bad and feel sorry for myself and inflict more pain to myself since I seem to like it inflicted on me . I cant do it anymore… I wanted closure i wanted things to make sense I wanted him to at least acknowledge that I am in pain. not that he would acknowledge the pain he inflicted and still does onto me- he is the victim as he is having my wages garnished for child support and I barely see my child as is . I have finally come to the realization that he is my drug , its like heroin but way worse … at least with heroin the high feels great and I have no pre conceived notions about the come down… I have entertained killing myself more times that I would like to admit … the only thing stopping me is my kids … I dont want them to suffer because their mom was too weak and broken down to want to live. its been 5 days since I last spoke with my narc via phone or reached out to him wanting his attention or even a text back in anyway validating that I am a person in his life. if he does respond to texts its takes him hours or days and im left feeling like wow im such a piece of shit I dont even deserve a return text …
pray for me … I dont want to relapse on him … I want to live life again and reclaim my life

Keala says April 16, 2018

Aloha to everyone reading this. I too have endured the wild ride of being with a narcissistic partner(s) in life. Only it took me many many years and relationships to see this for what it really was. Eighteen years ago I married the most arrogant man I have ever known, then divorced 12 years and two children later and married a schizophrenic man for a short year an a half and then after being crushed because I truly loved this one with all my heart, I tried to date after 4 years of grieving and found myself attracting the same types of men over and over. One thing always seemed to happen. They were charming and extremely kind at first but always wanted to rush into marriage and a serious commitment by the second month, so I would break it off out of fear of getting entrapped in another bad relationship. Funny thing though, each one I met got even more interesting. One man even such a master manipulator that he tried to make me watch videos about narcissism alluding that I was one to cover his own mask and break me down. Between the goofy offers of becoming a trophy wife to multiple personality disorders and being controlling and even stalking me, I decided it was time to stop dating and get some help and focus on me. After all this, I know am on the path to healing. However, it is heart-breaking at times because I have two middle school daughters who are being raised with a daddy like this and even though I try to keep them with me most of the time, the older they get and the more they naturally pull away from him because of their age now, the harder it gets for all of us. It just seems I can never get away from it and everyone thinks this man is such a good one, even my own family doesn’t realize the detriment and pain it has caused us. I will continue to get support and figure out why I allow such people into my circle. Until then, I hope that your journey is filled with happiness and joy for the blessings that these experiences teach us about ourselves. I will still choose to find joy and to live with hope in my heart that someday I will be whole enough to find a respectful man to share my life with.

Kristin says February 14, 2018

Please help me its been 6 months aftet i left my narcissistic ex and still suffering

    Kim Saeed says February 15, 2018

    Hi Kristin,

    I’m sorry to learn how much you’re suffering. Since I don’t know anything about your background, the best first step would be to consider enrollment in the Break Free Bootcamp. Or, you might consider a session with me. Here’s the link to the Bootcamp.

    If you’re considering a session with me, you can register here.

    Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.

    Kim XoXo

    Lisa says February 19, 2018

    Kristin, he really hurt you! You’ve been suffering for much longer than six months, and healing will also take much longer than six months. Please be patient with yourself, he has worked hard to shatter you and they are real demolition experts. Time and hard work on your part will begin to put things into perspective. You have raw, bloody emotional wounds and need to handle yourself with care, as you would for any other wounded person.

Anonymous says February 4, 2018

What about DV by proxy? Any thoughts on how to heal when in the midst of a custody case with an abuser?

s says January 23, 2018

He always argues that my self esteem is soooo low and that he is always trying to raise it. By making work for me and telling me how i am doing it wrong or acting like a child or my methods are like a crazy person.
I am in a no win situation…
I just was amazed when i found out there was a name for this behavior!

Shelley says January 12, 2018

I just this moment initiated no contact and I feel as if my world is falling apart. I have no one to talk to. I live in an isolated area and have to go out of my way to see other human beings.

    Kim Saeed says January 12, 2018

    Hi Shelley,

    I’m sorry to learn of your struggles. If you are having difficulty, you may want to consider enrollment in The Essential Break Free Bootcamp. Not only will it help you navigate your healing journey, there is a private FB group for individuals going through the same thing you are. It’s definitely worth considering. Either way, wishing you all the best!

      Shelley says January 12, 2018

      Thank you. I will do that.

      Richard Hollingsworth says March 29, 2018

      As with Shelly I just cut the ties with a Narcissist I have discovered. I have had a few years of good therapy in finding I am codependent. My dad had a degree in Psychology and controlled everyone in my family with his narcissistic traits. I now have a girlfriend in jail that seems such a beautiful heart loving person but!!!!! Keeps talking down to me and telling me Things I need to do for her to prove my love and keeps yelling and belittling me during our phone calls. I know she is under a lot of stress but my doctor taught me not to accept that kind of abuse in life. She is trying to become an advocate for Domestic abuse and keeps saying everyone in the jail has been falsely arrested and it is her goal in life to stand up to the abusers, She even calls me and abuser and I have done a little research to put myself in check in case she is right. Think I know I’m OK! just tend to doubt myself knowing I may possibly have picked up some of my dad’s traits unconsciously. Think if I can vent with a few others I can clarity in what I am feeling and stop doubting myself. Thanks Rick,

    Denice says February 2, 2018

    You can talk to me! I dealing with the same thing.

Shelley says January 12, 2018

This is a wonderful article. My problem is my husband and my daughter are the only relationships I have so thinking of being without him is terrifying because I am so lonely.

Shirley says January 5, 2018

Very true informative advice given here. I took some pointers to heart. I need to stop focusing on the narc and focus on healing and stop obsessing about narcissism on the internet. My anger and rage buttons are pushed too easy!
Thanks for this outlet Kim.

Melissa says December 15, 2017

I recently broke it off with someone I believe is a narcissts or atleast deplays many of the traits. I have blocked him from my phone, it has been 1 one week since phone contact and two weeks since physical contact.
I would really like to get to a place that I can block him on social media. He did not ever request me as a friend but I can still see his social media page. I tried to block him before but unblocked him shortly thereafter, telling myself that I am stronger than that.
I just don’t like that this is till bothering me… we were seeing each other for 6 months. not real commitment on his part. I guess that is a good thing.
I just want to get strong enough delete him from social media and not even care…

    Linda Blanding says January 21, 2018

    Melissa, Im going through the same thing, I can’t find myself to delete him from social media he unfriend me but we have murual friends so I can see when he likes their post, I thought this “no contact” would be easy but its heart breaking. We are still married!!

How to Recognize Narcissistic Abuse in Your Relationship and Build the Courage to Leave - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says November 28, 2017

[…] with the flow of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you feel doubt creeping […]

kathy says November 19, 2017

my head is so fogged and exhausted. i can’t seem to pull the energy together to believe any thoughts beyond nothing, can’t move, don’t care.
i feel sick. i felt sick all the time when he was around. gaslighting, cognitive dissonance—my brain won’t work. it just wants to go around and around, like that will save me. but no energy to pick myself up and do something different. very very sick. plenty of professional help. but doing the bare minimum to remain afloat. i have quit. no fight left.

    Tom says January 7, 2018

    Realize that it is not your fault they sucked the energy & love out of you because they wanted it for themselves!Allow yourself to grieve & be angry!

shannon says September 25, 2017

I was in a 4 year relationship with a N. In the beginning of the relationship everything was perfect because he was everything that i wanted in a man (or so i thought) i am far from perfect this i know, But he was the kind of person that wanted me all to himself including away from my kids and accused me of sleeping around and entertaining men when i knew that wasn’t true. He belittled me when no one was around and made me feel like crap about myself. When he felt like he was loosing me with his mental abuse, he would call me back trying to spend time with me and i loved him so much i would grant him that wish because i just wanted to be with him. He text me out of the blue and told me that he didn’t want to be with my anymore and best of luck with my future relationship because he was tired of me putting him last in this relationship and cheating on him and it felt like it was one of the worst days of my life when he reached out to me with that news because we were on somewhat good term. i thought it was all over and i was going through my healing process and now I’m hearing from people that he is all on social media saying so many bad things about me and it hurts like hell because all I’ve ever tried to be was good to him. I currently have more bad days than good ones. i hate that i love him so much because i feel like i could fix him but i know that i cant change his behavior and the longer i accept it, the longer i will be one sad puppy trying to win his love and he will never fix himself.So now i have to learn how to live again and pick up the pieces from where i left off.

Bonnie says August 31, 2017

This was excatly what I have been needing. I feel like after this debut reading of the high points I will pursue this path to a recovery where I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit. Just one day ago I was in contact with my ex for over 25 years and he nailed me again. I sat in silanece listening on the other end of the phone as the words haled my way, “don’t you have a life?, you know you need some serious help?, you need medication!, you are not in touch with reality!, you are stupid and you have no job now!. F you!.” As these words hit me once more and I refused to stunningly not reply, “what did I do?, why would you say these things of me?” I realized I was allowing once again for the ex to enter into my self esteem and now for two days have none functional thinking I am worthless enough not to carry on. On a schedule of about every 2-4 days I run into thinking I must call ex and talk. When I do I end up feeling guilty about his emotions, he tells me how messed up I am, and calls me profanity names in front of our 24 year old son like he has been doing for 24 years. I suppose I have vented enough. One more thing I did experience a Post experience all over again last week when he did something again to me “hitting below the belt”. He threatens to distort my children’s lives or Detroit something I love to get what he wants. Always has used my son for that. Anyway. Signing off and thanks for the brief help to guide me on the right path

Athena says August 19, 2017

Hello I’m glad to of found this website, I have come out of a 2 year relationship with a N. I felt like I never met his expectations and he always had these boxes that needed to be ticked for him to move in with me and be a family with my daughter from another relationship. He was always telling me wat I should be doing as it would be the “correct” way. He always wanted me to listen to him, value and appreciate when I felt he did neither of them for me. He was slowly making me resent him and I felt it was one sided. I had to end it but I feel so let down and I never really got a apology from him and he made me feel like I was the one that had to change to make the relationship get more serious whilst he never worked and used to sleep in every time he stayed over.

    Kim Saeed says August 21, 2017

    Hi Athena,

    It sounds like you tried, but he was emotionally available from the start. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan. And sometimes that’s the best thing that can happen to us.

    You don’t need his apology. Trying to make someone else be a decent and accountable human being often keeps us trapped. If he were to apologize, that would mean he was at fault, and he would probably never admit to that.

    Sounds to me like ending things was THE best thing you could do for you and your child.


CHARMAINEJAY says August 10, 2017

Moving on from a narcissistic partner is possible but moving on from a narcissistic mother is not so easy, personally I am not sure if it’s at all possible due to the life long emotional black mail the “when I am gone” “you will regret it” mentality. They speak lies and twist your every single word and action. They find a listening ear and seek to destroy your reputation bit by bit and all because you decided not to allow the abuse anymore, to speak out to call out her constant twisted reality, I swear if her golden child murdered someone in cold blood, she would refuse to believe it, she would make excuses for her/them. We have many friends in common well did have, she’s burnt all her bridges one by one, she has to flee further afield to search for new supply but the word is spreading, only those who want to believe her are a problem, her minions, her flying monkeys. She is going to end up very lonely because of her unbreakable pride and evil tongue. He refusal to accept her deliberate, twisted, Selfish, mistakes. There is so much more to say on this subject as anyone who is suffering narcissistic abuse will agree. It’s a lonely place to be.

    Sheila says November 22, 2017

    Charmaine Jay I can so relate. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Its pure hell.
    Prayering you find peace,


    Charmaine Jennings says August 1, 2018

    Hi Charmaine,

    Ironically, my name is Charmaine and my last name starts with a “J” too. Uncanny that we have not only the same name but the same drama from my mother!

    I always knew that my mother was bat-shit crazy, but I didn’t know about NPD until after ending a 13 year relationship with a full on narc.

    Once the pieces came together, it was amazing and almost a RELIEF to finally “get-it”. In fact, 2 years later, I’m at the place where I am THANKFUL that the horrible part of my life happened so that I could move on from ALL OF THEM. I feel truly free for the first time in my life. I’m happy and peaceful and you will get there too! Hang on!

Anouska says August 8, 2017

Can I just to that my ex N is now a porno actor. Somethings he s being doing until 2016(as far as I now know) and only 2 months after the brake up while I am still getting my head around what felt like a tornado, and the light finally went on. To say it destroyed me on multiple level is a given we all know that. I think he really excelled as N. I wander if there s a correlation between N and porno addiction as he seamed to really engage through scenarios or swinging.i m sleeping with every man under the sun. Just feel better about my self. And it doesn’t work. The feeling I was never going to be good enough to start with leaves me numb. Ironically I was the one suggesting an open relationship when he wanted a committed one…but of course I was free to sleep with other men.. WTF. so it s that. Nope he insisted he considered us a committed couple after only 6weeks togheter. Only an idiot would pass on a open relationship. But he had other plans.. To crushed other souls. Ironically I am becoming more selfish. I begin to enjoy others pain. Fetish is great for the that. Since you can t hit him, you get a consenting man.what really annoys me is the lies after lies just like a kid and u want to shake him and say.,i know u lieng for God sake. We all know

Positive Steps to Help Your Recovery – Infos Life says July 25, 2017

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Positive Steps to Help Your Recovery | Self Help Daily says July 24, 2017

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Gable says July 20, 2017

Yes, I felt like I was going to die when my H of 27 years and I separated. It was the end of the line for me when I found out that he had been having a cyber affair with his old high school girlfriend for the past eight years of our marriage. There is a lot more to the story but that isn’t important, what is, is the fact that I am slowly healing. I hear all of you and know what pain you feel, so I want to share what has helped. First of all, I remind myself that all feelings are temporary. Just because today is a very bad day tomorrow may not be. Keep a journal, you’ll see this is true. Second, not all men are bad. My H was incredibly hurtful but there are other men who want what I want. Third, Yoga! It helps settle the mind and work the body. Fourth, quit blaming yourself. They are really great Fakers, it’s not your fault. Fourth, what do I want? I spent so much time trying to make everyone else happy, what will make me happy? Fifth, get out there, join a support group, take a class, join a meetup, just get out. Seventh, learn to fake it. If your ex is in the same room (not always avoidable when you have children) Stand up straight and ignore them. If they try to start a conversation, tell them you are doing great and then excuse yourself. Eight, learn to love yourself after all is said and done, there is something very worthwhile or they would not have gone after you. Nine, here is the hardest one. Learn to forgive, not for them. But for you. I don’t want to live my life feeling bitter. That doesn’t mean let them back into your life, just recognize that they are broken and it isn’t your job to fix them or to make them suffer. My guess is that they are suffering.

    Mark says August 8, 2017

    Gable – I really enjoyed reading your comment. It helped me think about moving on from the end of my marriage in a healthier way.

    Kim Saeed says August 10, 2017

    What a beautiful and empowering comment. Thanks for sharing, Gable.

    Kim XoXo

    Fred says December 29, 2017

    Gable, you nailed it, I agree with almost everything.
    Learn to forgive, not for him/her, but for yourself.
    Good luck!

    s says January 23, 2018

    Thank you. I see me in you i hope…. Yoga ,time alone, kids ,love

    Gen says November 3, 2019

    Gable. I know it’s 2 years old. But your great advice rings true today. Esp about loving yourself because they went after you because you were worthwhile. Not weak or damaged.

beverly skinner says June 14, 2017

Thank goodness i found this site! After being married for almost 3 yrs, i now realize i was married to a N. He kept his mask on for the first part of the marriage, but he fully took it off over a year ago and it hasnt been easy. After being kicked out of the house for asking a question about a money matter, i guess i am finally realizing he did me a big favor. Like several of u are mentioning, i have been a basket case for the past 3 wks, but after tonight, i pray i just get stronger each day, cause this is wearing me out. What hurts is the fact that i do miss the man i married….but i am also realizing that man doesn’t really exist. When i confronted him about an online dating service he has joined (we havent signed papers yet) he simply said it wasnt how it really appeared. Humm interesting answer. But it is also hard when he use to be my best friend…who has now turned every good memory i ever had of him, to just pure disgust. I honestly hope i can recover from him.

    Linda Blanding says January 21, 2018

    Beverly Iam also still married to my narc husband, we are not friends on social media but we have mutual friends he is very smart not to put up pictures of his new supply, we have been seperated for only 4 months but he is telling everyone that it’s been a year. I have been in ” no contact” for two months but whenever he wants to email or text he does and I reply, sometimes I feel I’m weak and he senses that I am a empathy person and this is my secon narc marriage I seem to extract narcs.

Stuck says May 30, 2017

My ex always finds a way in through my children . Can’t seem to get rid of her. I do let her in the hopes of getting back together , but deep down I know I’ll never be good enough. She lives out of my town, and when we have a ball game or practice , or a school event that I cannot attend because I work a 12 1/2 hour schedule , she’ll ask if it’s ok to come by the house and let herself in. The boys have keys and code to garage. I say sure , what’s easy on the boys. Or that’s the way she puts it. She recently broke with her boy toy , then came to me for comfort, I let her in. Now she’s back with boy toy . I just seem not to let go. I know I have to. It’s hard trying to please someone who is never happy. And just to get it straight, I was a free spirte before all this. Lasted 13 years and I finally told her to get out, but she still finds her way in through my kids. Have had 3 relationships end because of this.

jessica says May 29, 2017

Thank you for this post. It has been almost ten months since I left my abuser. What I didn’t count on is how long it would take to heal. I did a lot of research on this subject and it helped me when I needed it most. I still cry a lot but have had no contact. I do drink and I am working on that along with some suicidal thoughts. But I talk myself out of it. My next plan of attack is to see a therapist.

    Karen says August 2, 2017

    My son’s father that I have been with on and off for 10 years is trying to heal from 3 consecutive short lived abusive relationships. Now that we are back together he is trying to heal but is also self medicating and drinking. He still thinks of himself as worthless and he refuses to seek any form of counseling. He takes a lot of time for himself. But will he ever heal and if so how long will it take?

    Anonymous says November 5, 2017

    That is a good plan. I have been married to a n for 19 years. Getting a therapist that deals with abuse has helped me. Meditation and a support group has also helped me.

Mackenzie says May 23, 2017

Thank you for this article! I’m only in my first week of no contact with my “ex-narc”, but the hardest step for me is to stop researching narcissism 24/7. Everything that I read confirms that I was dealing with a narcissist. Luckily, the relationship only lasted about nine months, but I’m just in shock that I didn’t realize who (or what) I was dealing with earlier.

    Anne says June 6, 2017

    I am sorry to read what you are going through, Mackenzie, great job of getting away so early! Mine lasted years, and I was so oblivious of what was going on, am grateful to the job that I lost for shinning the light on abuse and my intuition for researching NPD. I almost bought every book that was published on Narcs and becoming their true nightmare. I am done with books and on the videos that link Narcs with demons- that keeps me awake all night and I feel like I want to reach out to people and tell them but then again, I wonder if I would have listened to anyone who had told me my perfect catch was the devils own, and also considered that a smear campaign is well established by now and could possibly be confirming whatever rumors the NARC has already impregnanted on peoples minds.

    Knowledge is key dear, read up, and know how to deal with the likes of him, then, look at yourself, remember the person you were before your ordeal, and know the person you want to be, and work at it. soon enough, you will forget he ever existed.

8 Ways Narcissists Are Like Cult Leaders - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 16, 2017

[…] with the flow of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you feel doubt creeping […]

Katrice says May 11, 2017

Thank you for your article! I’m in my 3rd week of my separation from a Narc. It felt like 24/7 non stop of remuneration. No contact was easy since there’s an order of protection in place. What wasn’t easy was what was replaying in my mind.

I was up at 4a this morning; why because the 2 1/2 year relationship was replaying once again in my mind. I google excessively, the information is pretty much the same but I’m constantly applying a new specific truth to what I read. My excessive thoughts are not necessary and is no longer serving me any good. I accept what happened and I am choosing to forgive myself and move past unmerited guilt and shame. I’m a good person who fell for the perception of another good person. He is a Narc, I’m was his prey, I have lessons and key tools in place to manage future dating better.

This is what I learned. 1) Take the love and compassion that I have and POUR it into myself. 2) no contact can be physical but for me it has to be mental! He told numerous lies to me about his life. I also now accept that the hurtful things he said about my character is also a lie. 3) I’m done googling and going to the gym. 4) I accept the past and will not give this issue more life than I give to restoring myself. 5) flAnd finally, tonight I will charge my phone in another room “just in case I’m tempted to google”.

Thank you for writing it. ?

    anne says June 6, 2017

    Good girl!!! Way to go hun!! Am there with you! Am so dead tired of my mind racing, so over doubting myself and replaying events and thinking how I should have handled it differently.

    Kim Saeed says August 10, 2017

    What an empowering action plan, Katrice! Wishing you all the best as you move forward into healing.

    Kim XoXo

Roger says April 30, 2017

All I can seem to find is recovering from an abusive significant other. What about recovery when you’re the CHILD of a narcissist? My father was likely a narcissist (he fit 5 of the 8 categories in the DSM-V), but he’s been dead for over 10 years, plus he would’ve never agreed to counseling, being a narcissist and all, so it’s not for sure that that’s his diagnosis.
But I’m now 56 years old, and my life is a shambles, no spouse, no job, about to get kicked out of my apartment, low self-esteem, alcoholic, etc. All because my father could never see past his infantile narcissism to validate me as a child, or even as an adult. How can I get better when all I want to do is to cease to exist? Thanks for your insight!

    anne says June 6, 2017

    Hello Roger,

    I am deeply saddened to read of your situation. It is also sad that society expects grown ups to have figured it all by 28 and not in the need or care of their parents by this age. I read it would be ideal to write a letter to your father addressing the issues you have, you will need to accept that you will not get an answer.

    All that validation you need, give it to yourself, you sure are a great person, placed on this earth for a purpose, you deserve a roof over your head and you deserve a dotting partner and you deserve happiness, you are the only one at this moment responsible for all of these things, you need to stand up and live your life as you intended.

    Are you a good reader? Are you good in implementing things? Would you consider seeing a therapist? Mental Health Worker? They could guide you on the healing journey

Peter says March 14, 2017

Thank you for this! My exwife left me for another man I am beginning to realize she was a narcissist. Reason she left is I finally got fed up with her abuse and manipulation. But then she turned it around and made me the bad guy and her the victim. I need to learn to let go. Her manipulation and abusiveness almost destroyed me. It has been a living HELL. Pray I can learn to let her go completely.

    Crystal Hosack says June 4, 2017

    Sounds exactly like what I’m dealing with. Praying for you and myself!

    anne says June 6, 2017

    I am sorry to read of what you are going through, remember these beasts feed on seeing others in pain. They feed on the attention and, love to see you tired and wasted.

    You could ignore the crap, Let that beast have its cake, choke on it and hope it moves on from your turf sooner. Narcs are not the type you can win a battle with.
    Am sorry you will have to bear it, watch it all. DO NOT ENGAGE with it!! DO not attempt to fight it, it feeds on the attention and again, loves to see you tired and wasted.
    you well know who you are, your values and what you experienced, anyone who is wise and knew you will see through the illusion, manipulation and hell that beast is baking in.

    Pick yourself up, dust it, shake it of and march on, better days are yet to come.

    matt says July 3, 2017

    Same – Mine started an affair with her boss 13 days after out honeymoon and told me about it on our 1 year wedding anniversary after she had already planned to move on with her other man

JJ says February 26, 2017

This was extremely helpful thank you. Especially the pint about stop researching narcissism. I’ve been doing that 24/7 and I guarantee it’s not helping. Thank you.

Charlie says January 25, 2017

I’m a 44 year old male who began working with a female nine years ago (January 2008). Over a period of time we become or so I thought very close friends. There was never any romance involved, I’m happily married and she is a lesbian but we were very regularly in contact, very often went socialising together and went to lunch at work nearly every day. We stuck by each other during thick and thin and shared many our deepest secrets and problems. In fact during 2016 we exchanged more than 2000 whatsapp messages.
In September 2016 she got another job in the same organisation but different department, although she said ‘don’t worry, of course I’ll keep in contact’, ‘its not goodbye’ and ‘we’ll still go out for drinks/food etc’.
From day one in her new role though, she immediately appeared cold, dismissive and seemingly put a barrier in place.
All of a sudden, communication was only one way, she would reply but they were brief and evasive. I would ask how her new job was going and got the reply ‘yeah good thanks’.
At lunch, all of a sudden she sat on the next table with other people/new colleagues and I was barely acknowledged. In fact from here I ended up finding somewhere else to have lunch, well out of the way as it felt totally awkward and uncomfortable.
All of this (just as recent as October/November 2016) really hurt me but I managed to keep a lid on it. I did message her that I was missing her badly but received the reply ‘something that can’t be helped at the moment’. I knew she was training for 9 weeks for her new role and thought she might be busy and made this excuse for her.
In December I asked whether we could go for food/drinks perhaps in the new year when Christmas is out of the way. While not directly answering this, she suggested we go out for the annual Christmas works drink out on the town. I was actually not thinking of going out this time, but this changed things and agreed to meet up. On the Friday before Christmas (16th) I went out and didn’t see her. I sent her a message asking her what was happening, she replied ‘what do you mean?’. Just after this, she did turn up in the bar, saw me and said ‘I didn’t understand your last message, but I’m going off somewhere else with x and y (other colleagues) and promptly left leaving me standing there.
This straw absolutely broke the camels back with me. I had had a few drinks but wasn’t drunk. I was hurt and upset and sent her a couple of angry message giving her a piece of my mind and how’s she’s been aloof for the past few months, although I didn’t swear or resort to name calling. I was though like a bottle of coke having been shook for a few months, and the top came off! Within moments I discovered she blocked me from whatsapp. I quickly realised we may never communicate ever again, and about 5 weeks later (23rd January) we still haven’t made up. Ironically, from victims using the ‘no-contact’ mode, this was turned on me instead.
I let the dust settle until the first week in January, and sent her a normal text (where I wasn’t blocked at this time) suggesting if we can make up. I got a blunt reply advising that she didn’t appreciate receiving a message like that and thought I had a ‘damn cheek’, then blocked me from this also. She had turned herself into the victim as I had the audacity of being less than pleased about being treated cruelly and like dirt.
I bit a research suggests since that she may have narcissistic tendencies, plus talking to other people seems to bear this out suggesting that she’s a user and ‘this is what she’s like’. She’s exciting, she’ll make you feel special and alive but will easily drop you when you not needed anymore.
The autumn/Christmas just gone were some of the darkest and saddest I’ve ever felt at work, I’m now trying to move on and get on with my life while at the same time avoiding her and staying out of her way.
I thought I had some amazing memories although I can’t now help but feel they have been tainted somewhat.

I hear now from others who weren’t as close saying how great she was and what a loss she is; this really sticks in the craw as I’ve seen the ugly other side. I just need to heal, be professional and move on. For a while a few months ago I used to wake up most nights in the small hours and struggled to get back off and it occupied my mind constantly, at least now while not at all perfect, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as that.
I knew in the Autumn that it felt totally like grief, but I had nobody to turn to who could completely understand and felt isolated, after all, nobody had died.

I re-iterate, there was nothing romantic involved, that could never work for a few reasons but she possessed a force that was magnetic. There was never a dull moment, exciting and fun to spend time with and always kept me on my toes – and I was sucked in!!

    christopher scott says February 9, 2017

    It sounds very much like she is a narcissist. You have to cut your losses, realize she was never a friend and move on. I wish there was another way, but there really isn’t. You have to protect yourself/your heart. You really need to focus on yourself and not this fake friend. You need to learn the difference between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Also read up on unmitigated communion. You shouldn’t care so much for a fake friend that treats you badly.

    People thinks she’s great because she puts on a false-self!

    Also, remember narcissists don’t recover.

    (PS I went through something very similar.)

      Dena Brehm says February 23, 2017

      Here’s what I’m wondering: why aren’t your excitement/fulfillment needs being met by your spouse? You don’t mention her at all … are you putting nearly this much emotional energy into your primary relationship?

        Jen says November 23, 2017

        I was thinking the same thing when I read the post. Maybe something very good could come of this, if his wife is a good person with a kind heart. Could start a conversation with what happened and maybe improve the marriage.

    Ann says March 22, 2017

    My gut feeling from reading this is that you smothered her. The woman isn’t even heterosexual so it seems like what you’re asking of her is just too much. I’m sorry, just let her go.

    Jen says November 23, 2017

    To Charlie,
    Hope you are healing from this experience. You wrote you are married. Any chance that your spouse knew about the kind of time you spent with your co worker friend? Did your spouse know your co worker friend? If that part is good, maybe this is an opportunity for you to connect with your spouse and talk about what happened and how it is affecting you emotionally. Something good could come from this loss of what sounds like a person that uses others till she didn’t need them anymore, which is very sad for you. Hoping for you, that this could improve your relationship with your spouse. Now that you will have more time to spend with spouse and maybe that has been something that was needed. Best of luck to you.

Nhand says November 8, 2016

I’ve been married to a N for 3 years. Last month i found out she created an online dating profile and began dating guys she met online. Now she’s looking to move out and rent an room somewhere so she could have new N supplies. All this while we are still married. Can you believe it?
Last 2 weeks, i went online and read everything I could and realized she’s a Narc. During the 3 years of marriage, she bombarded me with verbal abuse and belittled me. I used to be a happy person and enjoy life to the fullest. Since with her, i lost all motivation and someday i wake up and don’t know who I am anymore.
I’ve been going no-contact for 2 weeks but it’s killing me inside. I feel so much pain. Last night, i curled up next to her in bed and made love to her and it felt so good eventhough I know that she will leave me in a matter of days. I broke the no-contact rule and now I’m back to square one.
I try to forget about her but it’s so painful everytime i think about it. I know once she moved out, the next day will be better than the day before. I want to forget about her. I want to move on, but it hurts so much because I love her very much.

    Ann says January 10, 2017

    I have been going through a similar experience with my husband of less than 2.5 years. He had chased me obsessively for years and really swept me off my feet. After we married he changed over night (seemed to be annoyed by me all the time). He totally neglected me and was withdrawn and moody. He started online dating behind my back after only one year. Then he moved out stating he had lost respect for me over a variety of odd things and because I was not making him feel happy enough. He abandoned my kids and I, but I kept holding on thinking I had screwed up some how. My self esteem was so low after all this. It took me a long time to wake up to reality. He has dragged out the divorce forever. I am still not back on my feet.

    Teri says January 25, 2017

    I was married to a narcissistic man for 16 years. My first love out of high school. I had low self esteem and here somebody said they loved me. First time anyone had said that to me. If I had the nerve to bring up an issue, “Are you done” was the only response I got. I stayed through infidelity, 2 children and being the lonliest person. We had an upper middle class lifestyle. Finally, he asked for a divorce after meeting “the love of his life”, he told me. He asked me not to start divorce proceedings until he was 100 percent sure. He packed his bags 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t say goodbye to our 8 and 12 tr old. That night he came back. Nothing said between either of us. In January he left again, this time I wouldn’t let him back. The divorce took 4 years and when he was in between girlfriends he would show up. I would let him in thinking he realized how wonderful our life was. He had a girlfriend who overdosed, another one who’s ex boyfriend killed her and he reproduced during our marriage that I didnt know about until he died at the ripe old age of 58. Note..they dont change, its an illness they wont admit too and it has now affected my 36 yr old son, a sociopath narcissistic who aided in the suicide of his sister. All for greed to obtain her inheritance, which he did. I dont trust, I have become intolerant of whiny people. Im hard, angry, bitter, sad, guilt ridden,resentful and hurt. I am a good person, an empath who had no boundaries. Get out and save yourself from the abuse that WILL continue. Even if they acknowledge this abusive behavior, its very difficult for them to rid this toxicity they have become accustomed to.

      Sander says May 2, 2017

      What a sad story Teri. It motivates me to get out of my nightmare, now I (think) I still can. I’m not a therapist nor do I know much about psychology. I consider myself a good person, who tries to do right to everybody. I pretty much have everything one could wish, a nice family, a good job, good friends. I’m so grateful for all those gifts that came to my life for free, and I will never take any of those things for granted, seeing the misery that so many people have to battle every day of their life. My only mistake, I guess, is that I mirror my empathy on the person who obviously is only out to destroy me. I met her in a very stable phase of my life. I was almost thirty, had a difficult period of insecurity during my twenties, trying to find my place in this world and make my life meaningful. If I would have met my partner in this period, things could have gotten much worse. I often feel her effords of getting my self esteem down effect me very much, and I’m also suffering episodes of complete madness and insanity that I don’t recognise the person I have become. I’m so lucky that the people on my job make me forget about my problems every day I come to work. I think this is my blessing. I’m lucky, and I’m aware of this. I’m a very persistant person, which helps me a lot, but it’s a curse in my relation, which I refused to give up. Now, I finally know what the hell is going on, by having discovered the symptoms of NPD. Reading the stories of people who have gone through the same nightmare gives me hope and strengthens me. I hope you find piece in your life. Not everybody is a bad person, trust me 😉

Wifeofacovertnarcissist says September 30, 2016

Hi, you mentioned that step 1 is the most important. What are some examples of grounding techniques and selfsoothing methods?

    Kim Saeed says October 2, 2016

    Hi WOACN,

    There are several ideas in my free “Beginner’s Healing Toolkit” that you can download here on the site. It’s at the bottom of most blog posts and on the right sidebar. Enjoy!

Dave says September 22, 2016

I just wanted to say thank you for writing this article.

I have been struggling over the last 2 years to decipher what happened in my marriage. My relationship with the ex wife went through three distinct phases.

In a nutshell:

Idealization. – I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I was her soul mate. I was a unique love that happens but once in a lifetime. Over the first 3 years of our relationship she continually built me up. She read her mark well. I invested so much into the relationship and she took, and took and took. I was more than happy to give. She wanted to live together and start a business shortly after we met. I resisted, and set firm boundaries. But as time went on she gained my trust. She told me everything I wanted to hear.

Devaluation – The day after we got married, a campaign of subtle torture ensued. She would withdraw. I would try desperately to recapture her attention. Every once and awhile she would show affection. I would have to give more and more for less and less emotional return. Randomly, she would brag about ex lovers in an attempt to tear me down. I did not know how to respond. When I questioned her behaviour, I was crazy.

Discard – I suspected an affair. I asked her about her abnormal behaviour. Like flipping a switch she became very emotionally hostile. It was all my fault. She needed passion. I treated her so well, she stated I made her feel bad about herself. She flaunted her new love in front of me at every opportunity. Her rational was that she has low self esteem. She refused all counselling. I have never heard from her since – almost a decade together and it was over in a flash.

It’s been a struggle. I am a very loyal person. I have mostly recovered but some days the deception still nags at me. 2 years since the divorce and I still feel emotionally drained. I have always had a good sense of self esteem, and have been an over achiever. Yet, this experience has cut deep.

    Alex says September 28, 2016

    Dave: Sounds just like what I’ve been going through for the past 8 years. First marriage lasted a year. I had found out she was cheating in a long term affair with a married man all throughout the engagement and one year of marriage. When I found out, she filed divorce and went after the married man, who eventually couldn’t commit. She contacted me 6 months later and we reconciled with counseling etc. Hurray! My love is back! She just made a horrific mistake with the affair! Well, we remarried again and wihin a year she was in the affair again behind my back. Flying around to see him. Fake alias at hotels, etc. Just some really bizarre stuff. I found out, and again, she filed and ran. Silent treatment as well. Always went through the Idealization, devaluation, discard. I didn’t see the patterns until the last few months when 2 different therapists opened my eyes. They both suspect NPD.

    She’s been gone for 6 months now, and I still long for the early days when she really seemed to love me. We both just knew we were each other’s “one”. Then poof.

    When will the pain subside? There are soooo many clear signs that she is disordered, but I still cannot seem to accept it over the potential that she is just in love with another. Sense of entitlement, chameleon personality, nothing was ever good enough, identity issues, etc. TOTAL lack of empathy. I’ve never heard an explanation or apology. I’m her husband!

    The thing is was that she was incredibly beautiful. Stunning. How did I land HER?! The self esteem boost was great. But now, when she’s gone, it’s “see… you weren’t as good as you thought”. That’s the damning part. That’s the part we need to work out.

    Just want the nightmare of sadness to end.

      chris says November 6, 2016

      As they age and their supply fades, they may begin drinking , they don’t go down easy , they never apologize, even on their death bed they will try to injure you. They are not a pretty sight, as all of their tricks fail. They will still smile from their frail face as they try to.hurt you one more time.
      Run and don’t look back.

        Steel Hibiscus says January 19, 2017

        I was married to a Pathological Narcissist.
        We are both Seniors, and he is seven years older that I am.
        I was legally married to him for one year, and lived with him for two years.
        It is my opinion that these disordered individuals must get worse as they age.
        Age did not stop this individual because he cannot stop this bizarre behavior at anytime during his lifetime.
        I left him once, briefly returned, left again, and never returned.
        I further have had no contact with him. I observed the no contact rule, the second time I left him, and forever more.
        I kept painfully quiet, and never revealed to his family or friends how very sick, and disturbed this person is, and will forever be.
        He hid these traits well from everyone, but me.
        He is adored by his friends. The charisma that he has is unbelievable!
        I do suspect that his son is aware of his Dad’s situation, and fears him.
        If I had talked about the situation to his friends, they would have thought that I was insane. He would have further reversed it all on me. His Narcissitic rage would have been over the top as though that could have been possible.
        I never discussed anything with his family, either.
        My only purpose for writing this is to urge both men, and women who are unfortunately, involved with these Pathological Narcissistic individuals to literally flee for your lives.
        I am not being dramatic here! Leave, and never look back!
        Once you leave, obey the no contact rule, get into therapy with the right therapist who has been educated on the physcology of the Pathological Narcissist, and the great harm they inflict on their victims you will start to gain the proper perspective on the entire situation. You will start to regain your power.
        If you observe the no contact rule the Cognitive Dissonance will cease, and your brain will start to heal.
        I cannot overly emphasize how very important it is to stop all forms of contact forever.
        I thank God every single day that I am completely out of the situation.
        I now love my life again!
        Thank you, for reading this, and I sincerely hope that I have helped someone.
        Steel Hibiscus

    Beryl Russell says October 17, 2016

    Dave, that sounds like what I went through for three years with a man. Ironically, his name is Dave. I was widowed at a young age and I know now that I was the perfect victim as I had ‘gone off the rails’ a bit after my husband passed away. He was there to pick up the pieces. Your three-part description of your marriage is what happened to me in a very short period of time. I was constantly told that I think I’m better than others and it seemed that he would go to great lengths to cut me down from my ‘pedestal’ through verbal assault and got a bit physical too. He would always throw his exes in my face – bragging about how they look or how well they cook, etc.
    I’m in a no contact phase now and even though am weak, I’m getting stronger everyday and will not be part of his Narc Supply. I understand sadness – from losing my husband to being a narcissist’s girlfriend. For me, they’re very different and that’s what’s getting me through a little more each day. The sadness after losing my husband was real, genuine. The sadness from getting the Narc out of my life is twisted and fake because the ‘love’ wasn’t real. The person wasn’t real. I’m mostly sad about wasting 3 years of my life with this freak. But, there’s nothing I can do about that and hope to meet someone who’s just plain normal in the near future. Best to you, B

    Smlk says October 27, 2016

    Dave , it will get better. Just continue to love yourself ,do lots of self love and everyday u will feel better than the day before. It took me 6 yrs to finally put a closure. I disnt need him to help me with that. I spoke to him how he made me feel ,how I didn’t want to ever see him again ( narcs don’t leave they return begging to make it work ). Narcs also don’t like to see their victims happy and stronger ! Today I can faithfully say I am a much happier person. Oh god ,no more stress about his cheating (mine too denied any affairs but I caught him red handed yet denied it !!). Life is short to waste it away on him ! I have hobbies ,I spend quality time with my parents ! I volunteer ! I ll admit though I so get triggers,for my narc ex traumatized me ! Being happy and blessed by gods bounties ,is the best revenge ,narcs either burn to see us happy or walk away temporary ,fooling their other supplies. Few months later they appear again ! Everytime he returns I am even way stronger. But this time I have informed his fsmily members to ask him not to return ! He wasn’t happy with that. Hasn’t shown himself for over a yr now ! Keep us posted on how u doing ? We r here to help u go through this ordeal !

    Smlk says October 27, 2016

    what I noted and learned from Internet about narcs victims. Although we do recover ,but we will never be the same ever. This is so so so true. Being with a narc was like he took control of my soul and changed the mechanisms of my brains. Today I have full control of myself ,this through Dbt therapy. Dbt therapy to me
    Is like a surgery done to reverse my brains mechanisms. Yes it is a challenge daily to have to be angry ,sad ,disappointed ,triggered to thsn need to use the Dbt skills. I have recovered and am so happy I am
    Not with him and happy that I am brave to push him away. There were days (aftet the real up )I d yearn to see him I d cry and beg to god to send my narc ex back to me ! I just missed the man he pretended to Be. I missed the good times pushing away the memories of his abuse ! Today I don’t yearn for him anymore. For I am v well versed about narcissists !! I encourage all narcs victims to take up Dbt therapy. It is v helpful. It helps with emotions awareness and emotion management !! And sites like this that Kim has ,is v helpful too. It was reading her posts (hers was the first ) that got me to start a fresh new journey to MY FREEDOM !!

    Ann says January 10, 2017

    Sounds so familiar unfortunately. I wish I had known about all this prior to marrying. So much time wasted.

Sarah says September 21, 2016

It’s been two yrs since my no contact even though my narc ex has tried on many occasions….. I know I don’t love him any more but why does he still haunt my dreams? I still have the nightmares they differ but he is still there I reenact things I can not change…… And what makes it worse is that I have been with a wonderful man for the past yr who treats me with love, respect and consideration but this is over shadowing my life…. Nov done the counselling, meditation, group therapy etc but can’t seem to stop these dreams and nightmares happening

    Kim Saeed says September 29, 2016

    Hi Sarah,

    I would recommend your seeing if there is a Shaman in your area and setting up an appointment with them for illumination, detachment, and a possible soul retrieval.


    Smlk says October 27, 2016

    Sarah , I too have dreams about my narc. Infact had one just last night ,couldn’t sleep after that. Brought anger in me. But than I started digging for facts. Why did I dream about him ? And it hit me I thought about him yest when j was watching a show. It triggered me at that moment and I had these thoughts like ” ugh hate him I am sure he d have done this and that !” And my dream was exactly ,my thoughts !!

Amy says August 31, 2016

I have a question- do you have any articles or advice specific to recovery from a narcissist that is a celebrity? My recovery is complicated not only by the fact that we share friends, but also that he is in the public eye and as a result, his smear campaign and petty torments are public.

    Kim Saeed says October 2, 2016

    Hi Amy,

    The answer to your question is more than I can offer here because of its intricacies, but the best thing to do would be to document everything and hire an attorney. If you share friends, you may have to end some of those relationships where they may be siding with the narcissist. Not knowing anything about what you’re doing regarding your recovery, I can’t really give any insight, other than to say you’ll want to hire a therapist, and also someone who can help you navigate the terrain of narcissistic abuse recovery.

    Wishing you the best,


Now-relaxed says July 31, 2016

Hello Kim, thanku you so much for your insights.. I have been into such type of relationship. And to be honest. It was the worst phase of my life. I used to be a very happy and easy going girl. Being with him made me feel like I am insane and a worthless girl. He left me without even letting me know. I was left hanging. Later on, I heard from someone, he is with another girl. I felt like going to him and slapping right on his face. I cried for two years. He did not call even for once. And now I know what this all was. After all these years, I learnt about narcissism and have promised never to let any bastard do same thing to me again.

AMC86 says July 7, 2016

Im sooo Happy I came across your sight. I have been out of a relationship for a couple of months and it has been extremely painful. some days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry other days I have glimmers of hope. It wasn’t until the relationship ended that I realized he was a Narc. You see we had a decent relationship for the most part in the sense I never felt overtly disrespected and there was no yelling fussing or fighting(my previous relationship was emotionally abuse with lots of arguing) so it felt so good, but there were little subtle signs he had some traits. for instance I would always break my neck to make sure he was good and I was being a good mate to him but I never really got the same in return from him, he would make promises for things and not follow through. He was from another state that wasn’t far from where we lived so I always expressed wanting to go home to meet the family but anytime he said he would make it happen it never did. Xmas he asked me if Id like a remote starter for my car but I never received it and the one time I asked he had the nerve to tell me I waited to late and Id have to wait. Valentines day he totally forgot about it. instead of saying sorry and admitting he was wrong he said people at work didn’t remind him and that it wasn’t a big deal like birthdays etc. In the beginning he love bombed me so hard that I immediately fell for him and then of course all of that went out the window. about a couple of weeks before I was blindsided by the breakup I noticed him being a little cold towards me at first I tried to convince myself I was overreacting but then it bothered me to the point where I had to ask him was everything okay with him and when I did he said that he had conflicting feelings regarding the relationship and then he called and broke up with me and said his heart was out of the relationship for months. the reasoning was very vague(he said family issues and work but he didn’t specify) I was sooo hurt and confused, I felt like if he felt this way for so long or knew something I was owed a faced to face mature convo with him being honest and forth coming about what was going on with him. To make matters worse I told him through my tear that he’d never have to worry about me again and when he then he confused me even more by saying don’t distance yourself because you never knew where we could have picked back up. That hurt even worse bc I felt like he was trying to treat me like a toy that he could toss and pick back up when he was ready. I did not agree to that and I opted to heal and move on. about two months later he reached back out and tried to flip things on me. he said that if I loved him I would have checked on him and made sure he was Ok, he pretty much said I was selfish in my thinking when it cam to the breakup. That confused me even more. We ended up meeting at a restaurant and it just got worse from there. He took no accountability for how he blindsided me and left me confused he instead claimed I never cared about him bc I went without contacting. in his mind he felt it was okay to act cold towards me and leave me to try to figure out what was wrong. I am currently in counseling bc I don’t want to be victim to these kinds of men anymore outside of them I know I have my own issues that I need to work on that causes me to attract Narc I and just want to grow from here.

Mimi M says June 29, 2016

Yours is the first article I’ve read that said…”stop researching narcs”…and I’ve read a lot of articles! Still too focused but healing very nicely…how? God. Don’t know how I would have even had the courage to leave. I’m in true no contact but thanks to you I will No Focus…he has been the object of my attention for far too long.

    Anonymous says November 16, 2016

    Ha ha! I too noticed that hers was the first article that said “stop searching narcs” because I’ve spent a lot of time pondering everything, analyzing, reflecting on long walks since Summer. I feel I’m almost done, I asked for angel guidance to be directed to the solution of how to purge the topic from my mind. Asked, and received and it was discovering a Youtube video of hers (and others) that finally gave it a name! The closure I’ve been looking for, as with most things that leave my life unexpected is “what was the lesson I was supposed to learn from that” and with this, I haven’t been able to stop analyzing its title. Now I’m at least able to point at what happened to me (him: narcissistic). Its hard to find true closure in a mind like mine, when I can’t feel what the lesson was. Still searching. Just my 10 cents worth. For me too, this has all been the object of my attention for too long.

Rob says June 24, 2016

Thank you for your guidance. It has helped. This breakup is one of the hardest challenges I have ever faced. She was/is like a drug and I am sure she would love to hear that. I seriously doubted my sanity and nearly died due to a episode of elevated blood pressure during yet another breaking of our engagement over the phone. Doctors claim it could be what caused my Cerebral aneurysm. So I have a lot of reasons to stop thinking about all that and move on. It literally changed my life. 2 weeks now and no contact. Fortunately she is with somebody else. I know because she wrote me to brag about it. Seems no end to the cruelty. Except the end that your teachings provide. Thank you again, Rob

    kimraya says June 26, 2016

    Hi Rob, I sincerely hope for your complete recovery and thank you for writing in.

    I gotta be honest with you,Rob. Her writing to you to brag about some new guy is blueprint behavior for a female narc. In my experience, these women can be much more sinister and evil in their manipulations as compared to their male counterparts. I hope you will do whatever it takes to completely bar this woman from ever contacting you again. If she wrote you via your email account, delete it and create a new one. If she mails you, just mark it “return to sender” and don’t open it. I’m telling you, these two things alone will put you well on your way to freedom and recovery.

    I truly do hope you find a way to get over this relationship. If you have a CoDA group or other 12-step program in your area,it might be a good starting point. Just don’t get involved with anyone there.

    Wishing you all the best.


hippygurl61 says January 17, 2016

Reblogged this on hippygurl61's Blog.

JA says January 16, 2016

Hi Kim, my ex narc hole is running his pie hole again. He thinks he is the greatest thing since the dawn of man. He has caused me severe anxiety, PTSD, very bad emotional issues to the point I stick all men in his category now. LIARS! Exploitive, coercive, manipulative self-serving, I never want to let my guard down again. He abused his first wife, other women, his other ex wives, me, hi current wife. No one is ever good enough for him! It’s always something! Their hair, their clothes their career choices, their financial situations, their weight, their eye color, their skin tone, the cars they drive, where they live. He makes fun of everyone! He thinks all women are stupid and useless. He thinks other men can’t compete with him. Yet, he is the one broke all the time looking for naïve women to support his rear, he is the one always in trouble with the law, he is the one that gets off wrecking relationships, chasing after married people, lying to himself and everyone else. Amazing how everyone else is stupid or worthless in his above than everyone else eyes and attitude, yet he fails to see how big of an a-hole he is? Why do narcissists fail to see their issues? How can someone be that full of themselves? That cocky? That confident? What a façade!!!!! One big song and dance pony show!!!! Are these fools capable of loving anyone but themselves? Or do they really hate themselves and hide the fact by acting so super confident? What is the deal? It is so draining!!! So confusing!!!! So soul gut harmful!!! Toxic!!!! It’s like a constant movie playing in my head over and over and over again!!!! Repetitive intrusive thoughts! I just want him to suffer like he causes everyone else!!!! But, it’s like people with narcissism are so far removed from reality they cause everyone else to suffer!!! They don’t care who or what they hurt! Most have nothing left to lose anyhow so everything is viewed as a joke. If you have any advice on how in the heck to move on I would really appreciate it. Thank you for your site!

I am survivor says December 30, 2015


I am so glad I found this article. I just separated from narcissist husband ( almost 7 years of marriage) and total 10 years of relationship. I had a hell of time. Especially for last two to three years, I have been murdered emotionally so many times, almost went into depression. But finally got the nerve to distant myself from him. He has done everything to demean me , lower my self esteem and self worth. I thought something is wrong with me and I blamed myself bcoz of his bad behaviour and his alcoholism . He blamed me for his alcoholism and bad behavior. He blamed me for his bad treatment towards me that I was the reason that he behaves in such a bad way with me. He started isolating me, stopped coming home knowing that abandoning me like this will hurt me so much and I might commit suicide. I was so addicted to him knowing that his behaviour towards me was unacceptable. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the courage to leave him. I don’t know why I loved him so much even though he was hurting me purposely. He started business with female partner to whom I was never introduced although I told him many times that I want to meet her. He told me lies and made excuses and I never met her in 3 years of their business partnership. Then to my shock I found her explicit and love you messages on his phone. And he blamed me that why I checked his phone aND whom am I to confront him. He made me feel like I don’t matter to him at all or to anyone in this world. I have no worth and i cant even run a house according to him. He started getting lot of money from his business and started threatening me that I am too sensitive and crying all the time so he would leave me and he has so much money that he can go to any part of the world and live there without working and I won’t even know where he is. I started begging him for his attention and llove. I felt I will be miserable without him. He stopped coming on weekends to home. Sometimes even weekdays and won’t tell me anything what’s going on his life. Then he started saying he is sick of his life bcoz of my sensitive and touchy behaviour and wants to live alone. He used to come all drink every night and Jas physically assaulted me so many times and becomes very violent and destructive. Our bedroom wall and so much other stuff is broken. He abused me and stared verbally abusing my parents . His parents are divorced when he was kid. They both remarried. His mom lives with us after her second divorce and she tortured me as well physically , verbally and emotionally. I tried to give up my life once it was so bad. I never told my parents before about this bcoz I had a love marriage (my parents warned me but I was so blindfolded in love) and I still loved him and wanted him to change. He started using me to satisfy his sexual needs by pushing me down and I couldn’t say no thinking it would hurt him and u wanted him to love me. But for last couple of months he was so mean he is like I am good enough for anything not even Sex, forget about love. I had to wake up from this illusion of love. I was broken to pieces and died inside, felt like giving up life again thinking I am not lovable. I finally opened up to my close friend and she told me to leave the house soon and go my parents bcoz I was not safe there as he was hitting me s well which he will blame me next morning that he was too drunk bcoz of me and why I bothered him at that time. And then become silent. OMG!!! Why me??? I loved him with pure heart although I know he was doing wrong with me , I gave him do many chanded thinking he will remorse and will feel guilty as I used to remind him about God and that God is always watchin. But he didn’t changed , it all became so worse. I just used to remember happy times in the beginningof our relationship and used to imagine that he still loves me ,is just alcohol and bad company of his collegues. But once I moved to my parents, he threatened me and my family as well. Started stalking me. I had to complainpolice and get restraining orders for him bcoz he couldn’t stop texting me and threatening me. So I am glad I have no contact with him for last month and half. I don’t understand how is he treating other woman so nicely ( his business partner) if he is narcissist? ? Then , was there something wrong with me?? I had given all of me to him when I was living with him to the point that I didn’t cared about anything else. It was all about him. Please reply to my question if you can ?

    kimraya says June 26, 2016

    Hi, I am Survivor, I’d love to be able to help you. If you are interested in personal guidance, I am offering a summer special on all of my coaching options. Here is the link for your consideration: https://letmereach.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

    Wishing you all the best…


Hurting mommy says December 15, 2015

I have been married thirteen years. My husband has always been controlling, is s single child and has always only worried about himself or me. Once we had kids it was too much for him to handle I believe and he cracked. He has become so controlling, watches where I go, tells me I cannot go to the store to buy things, even when I work full time and make more money than he does. I take care of our kids, work full time, take care of his elderly mom, he does not lift a finger. He is always telling me I doneverythin wrong, say everything wrong, redoes what I do, whether it’s pack the car, load the dishwasher, put the toilet paper in the roll, he is mean to our kids, he belittles them and does not build them up T all. He did lose his dad when he was 10, and I wonder if that is effecting him now. He will let the family spend money on a gift for him, but he won’t let anyone buy anything else for anyone else . He is so selfish and it is only getting worse. On my 40th birthday he yelled at me and called me selfish and then ignored me all day. He did not even lift a finger to help make dinner or pick up the kids or anything. I go in for infusions four times a year for chemo and he has never come with me. He almost pretends I don’t exist because he does not want to share any attention with me. I think he may be a narcissist but he says he is not. He is so bossy and pushy and mean to me all the time. The way he talks to me is terrible. He always says sorry after yelling at me and the kids. This time on my birthday a few days ago, I said I wanted to leave him and end our marriage. He now is moping around like I did something wrong. He even had he nerve to tell me I was hurting his feelings! I just don’t know how to diagnose his behavior when he wont go to counseling because there is nothing wrong with him- according to him. I am worried if divorce is worse for the kids or if it’s worse for them to continue to witness the way daddy treats mommy. They have already asked me , why does daddy not like you. Anyone have any professional advise?

    junie136 says December 27, 2015

    Ouch, that’s not healthy for the kids. He sounds very abusive and demeaning. You can’t win with those type of people, they never consider themselves wrong. Could be a narcissist.

SR says November 30, 2015

I appreciate this advice, particularly because you also recommend stopping researching narcissism 24/7! It’s our way of thinking about the narc, but telling ourselves that we’re not thinking about them directly.
I don’t know how long this is going to take me – it’s been six months and I. can. not. stop. thinking. about. him. To the point where my career suffers, I have such little motivation for things I once used to want.
The grief is really something else, so different from death or a normal break up. Indeed, we grieve for the person we thought they were, and the relationship itself – but we also grieve for ourselves. And then we get stuck in that circle of self-doubt and “if only.”

I might add that one step would be to do volunteer work, somewhere where you feel needed. Because that’s the feeling a narc might have elicited in you, falsely of course. And maybe exercising/running, to release endorphins. Both of these are of course something I can’t muster the energy or motivation to go do but I know they would help if I did.

And then there’s this other fear – that if I blame it on him, I’m being arrogant and unaccountable, and unforgiving. So then I have to tell myself that no normal person would react the way he did to my desperate attempts to understand what on earth was going wrong – only a person without feelings, which to me is actually is someone too cowardly to face their feelings because they are scared of getting hurt especially at a stressful moment, would have no reaction to the pain they cause others. And be able to turn everything around on you – in an almost comical manner – accusing you of doing what they did (and then you find yourself apologizing)!

It’s difficult to go no contact in my situation because we are in the same professional field, and I am always scared that I will run into him on the street – only for him to break my heart again by acting totally normal. I’m also scared that he’ll do a fake apology and try to get me to work for him again and that if I say no, he will hurt my career. But I have to have faith that God will protect me…and I get the feeling that things could have gotten a lot worse if I had stayed any longer.

Finally, it breaks my heart to think how sad and lonely he really is inside. His insecurities just somehow outweigh his many good qualities, and he has to overcompensate. Again, it is almost comical how predictable these people are. WE are the ones who can actually play on their (lack of) emotions, precisely by truly moving on and sadly, by forgetting. It is 9000x easier said than done, and I don’t even know if it can be done, but I have to believe that I WILL move on. Because this pain is exhausting and I know it will catch up to my health one day – while he is out having a blast. I trusted him with my heart, and my biggest mistake was trusting him with my soul. People will let us down one way or another at some point in our lives. A narc just does it when and in a way you’d least expect it. And I know, I know, deep inside we WANT them to contact us because that makes us feel like they miss us – but they’re just back to use us. Don’t dwell in that past – we were GOOD people BEFORE we met them, and we have so much love to give – to someone who deserves it, values it, and fights for it. To forget that is to let them win.

Kate says November 4, 2015

I have Complicated Grief after witnessing the murder of a close family member. I also am now trying to heal from a narcissist ex.

CG exclusively involves bereavement after traumatic death. It does not include romantic loss. To include romantic loss as a cause of CG is neither accurate nor appropriate.

While they can co-exist, healing from romantic loss and healing from an abusive relationship are separate issues.

Complex-post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), a sub-group of PTSD, is the impairment that would develop after an abusive relationship.


    Kim Saeed says November 5, 2015

    Hi Kate, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate your input and I am very sorry about what you went through. I hope your therapy is helping you heal.

    You are correct in that currently, Complicated Grief is exclusive to bereavement according to the DSM V, but many experienced psychotherapists and Doctors are now seeing that severe breakups and divorces (and even other forms of substantial loss) are causing the same symptoms of chronic grief in some of their patients and feel comfortable using that term to describe their patients’ condition, especially given the traumatic nature of romantic (yet abusive) relationships with Cluster-B disordered individuals.

    Here are a few of my research sources:
    Masters, F. (2014, September 29). How to Survive a Break Up – The Fusion Model.
    Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D, B. (2015, April 16). Breakup: How to Tell If You Suffer from Complicated Grief.
    Wright-Parker, RN, MSCC, GC-C, J. (n.d.). Grief Over Breakup.

    Regarding healing from romantic loss and/or an abusive relationship, I understand the nature of comorbidity. Thank you for pointing that out. I do believe, however, that typically, victims of narcissistic abuse have a very difficult time separating the two, but some can.

    I really haven’t worked with anyone who didn’t display symptoms of C-PTSD after leaving an abusive relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. So, you are correct that C-PTSD is a common result of being emotionally and physically abused.

    Having shared those things, I don’t want readers to accept (or reject) the ideas presented in my articles as absolute truths, rather that they consider the information as one of many possible points of view.

    Thanks again, and I wish you all the best in your continued recovery.

      junie136 says December 15, 2015

      Your own article above states that Complicated Grief (CG) is now recognized to be caused by ANY form of traumatic loss, not just bereavement.

justdamnbirds says October 12, 2015

Thank you for this article, it is very helpful.

    Kim Saeed says October 12, 2015

    Thank you for letting me know that 🙂

civiltrends says September 30, 2015

I’ve been quietly flipping through your articles over the last two months and I have to tell you, this is one is by far the one that I’m so glad I’ve found, at the right time.

I’ve been NC for over two months. From what I’ve read, many people who have been through this type of scenario; where years of your life were spent with someone who covertly wanted to drain you of all of who you are: still struggle for years, to move beyond the obsessing.

I still haven’t fully moved beyond it either, but I was fortunate enough to get away with my sense of self. Cleanly, except for corrupted memories.. Everything in my rational mind has been telling me exactly what this article expresses. So validating!

To have come across this article, at this particular time of accepting what has occurred in my life, is amazing.

Thank you!

Monroe says September 12, 2015

This website is such a gift ! I just finished my 4 year Narc battle. I’m a mental health clinician, and in retrospect know that the pathology was evident after the first month. Unfortunately, I have a Narc father and brother and was easily seduced by the false charisma. I’m ashamed to say my Narc did not pay rent (he was paying rent & expenses for his Narc son) & I also paid for his health insurance (which I’ve since discontinued). I just started an anti-depressant, joined a new gym and started a language class, but kept myself in limbo by retaining email contact. Big mistake ! As expressly stated by Aves and Kim, NO CONTACT is NO CONTACT. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when there are children involved. I am inspired and grateful to all who have shared their stories and wish everyone well in their healing and new adventures.

Alison says September 9, 2015

I cut all contact with my ex on the 16th of June, I’d been with him for 6 and a half years, in the last year and a half we moved from my flat to a house he had just bought, within 2 days of living in his property I noticed a major change the last year was a nightmare, I was continually ignored “gaslighted” (a term I’ve learnt about in the last 2 days) being accused of saying of doing things I know I hadn’t. , I truly thought I was going mad,I was working full time, going “home” to make his tea (which he was always at least three hours later for) walking his dog, doing his housework/washing, he’d eventually come home and there’d always be an emergency which I’d have to help with, I’d eventually get to bed but was continually woken because he couldn’t find something, needed me to do paper work “he has dyslexia” or I just got a sharp elbow in the back because I was snoring and keeping him awake. He came home one evening to news he was going on a 2 week vacation with his gym buddy, I was to stay home lookafter the dog and pay his bills, I said no he said leave and leave I did. It’s been so hard and I know I did the right thing but yesterday came across the term narcissist. Think I’ve found my answers. Thank you so so much Kim and all who have commented. Think you have saved my sanity. Xxx

La la says August 17, 2015

I went back to my narcissistic boyfriend again, after his prodding of course. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality and have an extreme fear of abandonment which has been a staple for him during our 20 year relationship. The last breakup he was with another woman a month later and living with her 3 months later. He says I have a fear of showing affection, which is true from what my ex boyfriends who were reasonably normal. I am afraid to fully commit or show I truely love some one because I am afraid that will leave me eventually. Now his ex is crazy texting us and I can’t deal with it. She is mean and crazy and we both ignorey it but a week later, here she goes again. How with my disability do I have a normal relationship and don’t destroy good men like I have in the past. Should I just stay and continue vto get tortured and torture him so I don’t hurt healthy people. 2 kids with narc and never pushed the idea of marriage though he would of I insisted. Any suggestions wouy be great. I hate my life of limbo.

    Kim Saeed says August 25, 2015

    Hi La la,

    Did you know that many people who are diagnosed with BPD are actually suffering C-PTSD and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome? People who have been emotionally and psychologically abused typically display C-PTSD symptoms that can mimic bipolar disorder. Judith Herman, author of Trauma & Recovery, describes C-PTSD as a form of trauma associated with prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape. This may cause difficulty in regulating one’s emotions, explosive anger, and changes in self-perception which include shame, guilt, and self-blame.

    Here is a link to her site describing recovery: https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/recovery-and-therapy/stages-of-recovery/judith-hermans-stages-of-recovery/

    Wishing you all the best.

      Anonymous says September 1, 2015

      The stop researching Narcissism 24/7 #5, made me laugh. A lot. It’s so true, that’s why. 🙂

        Kim Saeed says September 1, 2015

        Glad you got a chuckle from the article 🙂

pegbowen says August 4, 2015

I read this article back in January. I was at the second phase of recovery. I am finally at the last stage and am recovering my self esteem. This summer has been a doozie. I finally let all the pieces come together and have been able to really start seeing life without fear and fog. Thank you for your positive messages and encouraging words! They helped immensely. It has taken me a year to go through all of the phases, and I believe you said in one of your posts that it takes 1-2 years to recover. I have been criticized for ways the ways I dealt with (or didn’t deal with) depression during recovery, but it is good to know that what I have gone through is fairly normal and that the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. Thank you, Kim!

7 Ways To Reduce Self-Doubt After Narcissistic Abuse | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says July 29, 2015

[…] with the flow of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you feel doubt creeping […]

Messed up real bad says July 19, 2015

I have to work with mine. 🙁

slk1217 says July 5, 2015

Reblogged this on slk1217's Blog.

cristianedawning says July 5, 2015

Reblogged this on relationshitexit and commented:
Yes, start with rest, long baths or do what you can to ground yourself, breathe and just rest – then find a therapist and get words on what you have been threw -and heal yourself totally -begin solving your childhood in whatever small way – everyone has a scar…or a thought like —-ALL people is good deepest down… change your worldview and educated yourself -get the Narc RADAR ON!

    Kim Saeed says July 5, 2015

    Great insight, Cristiane! (and thank you for sharing my article <3)

Autumn says July 3, 2015

This was very helpful to read. I was with my narc for almost 9 years before I decided to hire a P.I. It has now been 6 months since finding everything out and I have to admit up until a few days ago I was still letting him in because I felt sorry for him. We have a 4 yr old daughter but were never married..thank G-d, especially in the words of my attorney. He has come back pleading many times but after finding out yet again of more philandering and his lack of effort to get help I realize I have to have very limited contact(for my daughter) and it can’t be at my house. He is a master manipulator and I can’t believe I was still falling for it. Thank you again for your article.

clyde says May 26, 2015

I think I have been in a narcissist relationship for the past 4 years and it’s really bad because I am a man dating a narcissist women! I feel embarrassed because men are supposed to be strong,tough,and everything else but this women has my emotions a wreck!the past 4 years I have never win an argument/fight they are never resolved because she never does anything wrong!she twist everything I say and sometimes I really question my sanity(a lot here lately). I feel I need help ,someone to talk to who understands !I love this women with all my heart and we have awesome times together but when we disagree we argue then we fight and at the end nothing is resolved and I don’t even know what we’re fighting about but what wedo know is she is right I’m wrong and I’m left an emotional wreck !so I guess my question is can this be fixed I don’t wanna give up on her because everyone always has but if it cost my sanity I can’t do it!

Cassy says December 16, 2014

I don’t normally do this (leave a comment) on posts that I read, but I’m having the hardest time with this break up. 8 months of bliss and then he suddlenly changed. Said out loud “I’m not usually nice to people. Why am I being so nice?” Woke up different. This dude switched on me so many times and I couldn’t understand what was going on. He tried to accuse me of not caring about his family and trying to make him choose & I am not an evil person to do such things. After we “resolved” that, things went downhill because his behavior and attitude was completely out of control. He asked for space and I gave it to him. Mind you, I had cable in my name at his place, I had just bought all the food in his refrigerator and cabinets & I gave him $$ to add to moving expenses and cooked for all his friends at his housewarming. Then, he’s calling and texting on his break that he asked for which confused me. So, eventually I got on his nerves by calling him out on lies he didn’t even know I caught him in. Im from NY. I’m an outspoken woman. His best friend then posted pictures on Facebook of him with another female at a mutual friends party. I asked him if he wanted to break up. I gave him the window to jump through and he still wouldn’t budge and I thought he had feelings. So,I forgave him and the next thing I know, consensual sex turned into him wanting to dominate me and hold me down (which he never did before). He lost control. I said I wouldn’t contact him, he said “it doesn’t have to be that way.” Then he was still calling me names and wouldn’t help me do anything. I don’t care that his ass is gone, but damn. I attract narcissists. The ex before him almost killed me in a car accident and my father is a narcissist too. Left and didn’t turn back until child support caught up with him. I can’t sleep. I don’t want sex, I’m not interested in dating and now that I understand what this is, I’m scared to death to get involved with anyone because my future children will not go through this with their father. How the hell do I avoid these losers and what will it take to soothe my mind? It all being a lie really does hurt.

    Kim Saeed says December 19, 2014

    Cassy, thank you for visiting my blog and for sharing. It’s truly an honor.

    Typically, when we have a pattern of attracting manipulative people, it has to do with childhood wounds. We go through life subconsciously creating the same dynamic we experienced as children where we learned we could only be loved according to how we behaved and what we could do for other people. It’s a painful narrative that sets us up with negative beliefs about ourselves and about life. This often results in the “same man, different face” scenario.

    Doing the self-work is really the only way to heal. And it takes more than reading books…we have to release the grief and trauma from our subconscious and our body (which is really an extension of our subconscious mind, and also holds negative emotions that have built up over time).

      aves says December 19, 2014

      Hi, Kim.

      Thank you for endorsing Melanie’s NARP programme in this post. I’m a firm convert to her method because it works. One of many things I’ve learned through this recovery process – if it’s a fight between our conscious mind (logical thinking) and our subconscious mind (emotional memory), it’s the subconscious mind that will ALWAYS win, AND, it’s the subconscious mind that will ALWAYS rule our behaviour.

      ALWAYS and NEVER are always dangerous qualifiers to throw around but when it comes to the way our subconscious mind rules our behaviour, in this instance, their use is strongly warranted. I’m convinced the only solution is to change our subconscious mind and release our emotional memory.

      Warmest regards,

        Kim Saeed says December 19, 2014

        Thank you for sharing that, Aves. I also believe in her program. We are learning more and more about how our bodies are really an extension of our subconscious mind and so by releasing our wounds from our subconscious, we are also releasing the grief and trauma that has become wedged in our bodies while healing our inner wounds.

        I’m so glad to know you are healing <3

Links and blog entries you should scope | Process of Elimination says November 14, 2014

[…] Why does it take so long to get over N abuse? from Let Me Reach […]

raven29726 says November 4, 2014

I have spent a good amount of time reading this web site. I now see clearly what has been going on in my life with all the crazy making behaviour. I was told every day that I was delusional and needed help. The highs and the lows the game playing the deceit the lies and betrayel. I started doing some research, and found out he was still tracking and talking to his ex’s. I also found out he was having an affair,( he would call me on the way to her house and always tell me he loved me) and presented him with her name. I was wearing his engagement ring, he was wearing a wedding band, and bought me a cheap wedding set that he presented to me on Christmas morning, I even have a wedding dress in my closet. The date came and went, my story isn’t that different from all that I have been reading here. I found out he slipped that wedding ring off and stuck it in the ash tray when he went to see her. The whole relationship is a lie and the double talk and drama is endless. I found out where she lived and paid her a visit and got an ear full. She dumped him and he is still chasing her as well. I now understand narcissistic supply, he has trapped his son, let a woman move in knowing they weren’t using birth control she got preg. she got an abortion and got away. He repeated the script with another young woman she got pregnant they got married neither one has a job. She has no car, no licence, no diploma, and no help in getting any of those things. His narcissistic supply for admiration is secure. Now the X wife who escaped comes to stay at his place for a month every 3 months.. She is retrapped also. She is one major meds for depression, 5 suicide attempts and on disability and 12 years later talks about what he did to her like it was yesterday and I listened…. Now I am reading….. I need to learn about this no contact rule…. He is systematically distroying my life. Comes here eats my food, stays for days and has never contributed to a single bill, its 4 1/2 years now. Picks fights yells and screams and then disappears….. I will stop here… Their is always a woman in the wings. My story fits this blog.

Working on Releasing the Anger/Pain/Depression Toward My Stalkers - Nyssa's Hobbit Hole says October 14, 2014

[…] Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse […]

Why Not to Rush a Victim's Recovery From Abuse - Nyssa's Hobbit Hole says September 12, 2014

[…] Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse […]

Dr. Nicholas Jenner says September 11, 2014

Reblogged this on Dr Nicholas Jenner PsyD MA and commented:
Excellent article!

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blackswan says August 29, 2014

I can not emotionally detach myself from my NARC. He is currently giving me the silent treatment silent because he said something that I felt was insensitive. I jokingly said, “you didn’t have to cut so deep”. Then he said I’m going to take a shower and that was three weeks ago. I feel like an even bigger dumbass because I paid his phone bill a few days before this happen and mind you I am a single mom of three. I have been calling texting relentlessly to no avail. This is not the first time, but each time it hurts more and more. I know that I am EMPATH. I feel like my life is a curse at times. People generally are drawn to me and my personality. I use to be soooo full of joy and happiness. No I feel like I just go through the motions. I know that he is purposely hurting me. But I know why I am still affected. My emotions are out of whack, I feel depressed and I am tired of being this way but I feel like I don’t know how to pull myself up out of this abyss. I use to have an amazing confidence, now it’s non-existent. I feel like I would do anything for this person and he is never willing to do anything for me.

    Anonymous says July 22, 2015

    I see your story is about a year old but I have to respond with a slim hopeful chance that you get an alert from responses to your post. I would love to see how you’re doing. Your story is goose bumpy identical to mine and the phone bill scenario just knocked me down because that’s exactly where my 2 year narc left me standing. Convinced me that she needed it paid for Dr. Office call for her son and also used the whole “I won’t be able to talk to you” (to work on getting back together) I paid phone bill, haven’t heard from her since.

      Anonymous says September 12, 2015

      This website/blog is such a gift ! I just ended my Narc battle after 4 years. I am also a mental health provider who ignored the warning signs exhibited after the 1st month; I allowed myself to be duped by the false charisma. I am ashamed to say he did not pay rent (he was paying rent for his 25 year old Narc son) & I paid for his health insurance (which I recently discontinued). I just started Prozac, have joined a new gym, am seeing a therapist (who I think is great) and am taking a language class. All good stuff. However, I’ve kept myself in limbo because I have kept contact w/ my Narc by email; big mistake. When others, like Aves have emphasized NO CONTACT they mean NO CONTACT. Until you FULLY implement NO CONTACT the healing process will be delayed. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when there are children involved. I am truly impressed by the strength and wisdom of the many contributers to this blog, you have been my guide and a true inspiration !

        Kim Saeed says September 12, 2015

        Thank you for sharing your story, Someone. I’m glad you are doing so many good things for yourself…and yes. No Contact is truly THE only way to distance oneself from the toxic relationship and gain some clarity. It does take more discipline if there are children involved, as you aptly stated. It took me longer to heal because of shared custody…but I did it, as have others 🙂

emergingfromthedarknight says August 29, 2014

Thanks for this. Its excellent. I especially loved that you validate the amount of grief involved. And the advice about focusing on caring for and loving ourselves is just so important. Even long years out of such relationships I can still move back into self blame at times. This is one of the best sites on what it takes to heal. <3

    Kim Saeed says September 24, 2014

    Thank you, Emerging. I’m so glad my site has been helpful to you, and your comments are encouragement for me to sally forth with my efforts <3

Yasmin says August 29, 2014

I think deep down I already knew in my heart I was dealing with a narcissist. I work as a clinician in the mental health field, so I am both ashamed and amazed at myself at my choice and ability to turn a blind eye to the red flags. Although I had only been involved with this man for 5 months, I can honestly say I have never felt pain like it. He was very clever. Infact he even told me he would hurt me, as he always ends up hurting everyone in the end. I guess because I loved him so much, and I thought that I could help him, due to my own profession and background, and also my refusal to LISTEN, I just blanked out the warnings. On one occasion I gave him a small surprise present and card, and his reaction was astoundingly cruel. He told me he didn’t like surprises from anyone, and it wasn’t anything personal but he never had, even from his family. I was so excited to give him the gift, and just couldn’t comprehend the lack of emotion and the way he almost verbally threw it back in my face. Then when I got upset, he just shrugged, and said ‘I warned you didn’t I that this would happen that you would end up getting hurt, and you wouldn’t listen. Then there were the numerous times he described himself as a ‘predator’. He highlighted that he had never pursued a female in his life, that he wouldn’t know how, and of course, it was true I did initiate and pursue with him. Sexually he made me feel like I was a crack addict begging for my next fix. He would flirt, then with-hold any physical contact, and claim he had only come to see me to hang out. He knows I am a very affectionate person, and even when he walked through the door he would always walk past me, and say things like ‘Oh Im just not that type of affectionate person. Either him or me would agree to end things, and then it was usually me who would initiate contact. Last week I was unwell with stomach pain. I have a previous history of colon cancer, and we have been back in each others lives. So we were texting and as usual it was all about him, his day, his problems. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well. His response. ‘Oh ok, a bottle of tequila should do the trick’. So I messaged back and said that I was hoping for more of a concerned response. He then texted and said ‘You just don’t get me trying to be jovial do you. I was so upset, I tried to call him, and left a very tearful, bewildered message on his phone. I then got a text which said. ‘After that voice message I don’t know what you want me to say, Im not a dr, it seems like I cant be myself around anyone anymore, so Im going to just take care of my damn self, and stay away from certain people for good. If tequila don’t work, paracetamol may help’. I later tried to call him, and begged him to come and see me when he finished work. He said … ‘No, I will come and see you at some point in the week when I can’. And at around 3am in the morning I sent him a text, and said.. I know you were coming round later this week, but that wont be necessary. I wish you well, and send you love’. I knew if I saw him it would be pointless trying to get him to take any responsibility. He claims he has never loved anyone in his life other than his dad who passed away ten years ago, and his motor cycle. Inspite of having been in two long term relationships, he claims never to have loved anyone. He told me he doesn’t understand what that means and has no concept of it. When I sent the message telling him not to come round, I received one the next day that simply said… ‘that’s fine’. Never asking me how I was feeling or anything. I don’t know if it makes it worse in some ways that he told me he would hurt me, and that he had never loved anybody, and didn’t understand it. Its almost like he was either testing me to see how far Id go, and how much control he could get. On one occasion when he was stating his uncertainty about being with me, and confusion, I asked what he meant. He replied ‘Don’t worry, this predator aint dead yet’. His reply of ‘that’s fine’, came two days ago. I haven’t heard a word from him, and have not contacted him at all. Im unsure as to whether he is doing the silent treatment punishment thing, but Im not contacting him so if he is, maybe he is trying to regain control, and punish me for telling him I didn’t want to see him.

Thoughts anyone????

    aves says September 6, 2014

    Dear, Yasmin.

    You need to not only back off, you need to vanish completely. You are addicted to this guy and it shows. He’s already had the decency to tell you how badly he’s going to damage you and yet, you refuse to believe him!

    You still expect him to behave like a well-adjusted, emotionally, healthfully ordered human being! You expect him to take responsibility, remain accountable, demonstrate empathy and express remorse for his behaviour. He is incapable of doing any of this because he is not like the rest of humanity, he is not wired the same way we are. He is a narcissist.

    You need to cut off ALL contact. That’s my primary thought. You need to vanish and not allow him to reach you. Cutting him out of your life is going to suck big time, and quite frankly, the pain you’re feeling right now will ramp up and it will be far, far worse. It will feel like you’re going to die, and in a way, you must.

    You need to go through all the symptoms of a chemical dependency withdrawal, much like a heroin addict attempting to kick his habit. In a real way, you need to stop “using” and the first and most powerful way to do that is to cut off all contact. You need to do NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.

    The good news is that the excruciating, mind-blowing pain you are going to feel will end, unlike the hell you’re experiencing right now. In time, and with an unflagging dedication to loving yourself, the pain will go go away, you will get yourself back and you will live and love again.

    But first – NO CONTACT.


      Kim Saeed says September 24, 2014

      I couldn’t have said it better myself, Aves. You have a wonderful comprehension of the dynamics involved (and necessary steps) with Narcissistic abuse. Thank you for commenting <3

        deb2114 says July 15, 2016

        I went through all what Yasmin has, for 6 years, all that and then some. I was ok before I met him, believe I am quite intelligent and wasn’t vulnerable, he stormed into my life, love-bombed me, and then it started. After 6 years and numerous attempts at half-hearted no contact, I finally got so low I could barely get out of bed in the morning, Thats when I knew I had to get him out of my life for good. I blocked all channels of communication. I used to cry every night, wondering what I’d done to deserve it, the day I blocked him out I never cried again. I struggled for awhile, felt ashamed but I picked myself up and I got there after just a few weeks I felt so strong again. And here I am two years later, never give him a second thought anymore!

      Carrie says May 22, 2015

      Perfectly stated! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Not sure she knows really what’s she’s dealing with. I will pray for her.

    Anonymous says June 29, 2015

    Wow! Your story is unbelievable. I felt like I was reading my life story.I’m going through the same thing with the person I’m seeing if that’s what we want to call it…Its so confusing and feels so terrible.I realize in the mist of being in this dysfunctional relationship that he has bigger problems than I do and that this will follow him for the rest of his life .He chooses not to get help with his problem…but I’ve done some deep thinking and My concern now is how do I repair myself..I can’t fix him at all ,and its not my job to try anymore…your guy Is just dissapearing because its convenient for him remember they don’t ever think of us. I’m so sorry you’re going through this I understand your pain and confusion.the only thing I’m doing right now is reading up as much information on narcissist behaviourI’m trying to get better for myself I wish you the same

    cristianedawning says July 5, 2015

    ” Oh ok, a bottle of tequila should do the trick” …Pleace block him. I know exactly what you felt while writing this – how are you now?
    We were addicted and brainwashed -manipulated and abused, NEVER Again another predator! Message mw if you ever need to – Seems like we met the same clone. My EX reply to- that I wanted him to stop use my netlix – because it felt like costant communication in his radio silence of me – while testing ( his words) the married woman I later found out about too …he texted back “Yeah I know it is hard to get over me, but take a vodka shot whenever you use your nettles -that might help” WOW fucking devil! Finally totally DONE with the Narcissist ! I feel shame how dumb I was – totally perplexed! Now, I see threw him, nothing will make me miss anything he is.

    Terry says August 4, 2015

    You were lucky as I believe you were dealing with someone who is an extravert narcissist instead of the coverts who won’t tell you what they are doing. And with your professional skills were able to see what was happening. Great that you were able to see through it.

    Sam ing says September 15, 2015

    Yasmin, it sounds like you are punishing yourself by being involved with the devil. You have really kept hitting yourself in the head. He loves your pain. Evil

    Sana says September 18, 2015

    Yasmin can you tell me the name of him?

    Anonymous says December 13, 2015

    I experienced on “Christmas Day”, not only “I can’t accept this gift, why did you purchase that for me?” Plus, not a single thing did he think of to gift to me, nothing! Why do I still hurt after over a year? Why does he still get into my mind? He would not accept my gift to him! He told me to take it back! He ended up taking it back and having the refund sent back in my name. I finally had enough courage to leave my own house, taking with me words I have not forgotten! “What did you ever do for me!” “What did you ever bring to the table!” “What did you ever contribute!” “You are a gold digger!” He also threatened my daughter and her family!
    He is a bad man! However, if I were to talk about it with anyone he knows, they would never believe me. He acts like he is so generous! He said, “I treated you like a princess.” I know I need to move forward and I know I need to find happiness, it is so hard to not think about it. It is so hard not understanding why he didn’t see everything I did. All I wanted was a pat on the back, “thank you for being here for me.” Thank you for everything we have been through together.
    Thanks for listening.

    Sophia says August 27, 2016

    “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them.” I believe it was the poet Maya Angelou who said that, and it’s wise advice.

    Detachment will give you clarity and sanity. No contact is the best thing you could do. You won’t find peace as long as you have any ties to him.

bamboozled1 says August 28, 2014

totally agree with not researching narcs… at some point though, you do figure out what you need to know and how it has affected you… to snap myself out of it i replaced the word narcissist with *sick little boy* lol. because crying narc all the time just kept me in that im the victim and abused loop… it took a while to get over feeling sorry for the sick little boy as well… and i do still have my moments… although its largely due to being the mother of his sons and, especially when the oldest does things that remind me of him i get all worrisome again, blerk… so now much of my focus goes toward them, and hopefully doing the best i can to make sure they dont grow up to be TOADS!!!! is that a fairytale reference? im not sure… anywho… making this a wart free zone! *fingers crossed*

Rodolfo Becerra says August 28, 2014

I am really feeling it the lies said in court and all the humiliations of 2 yrs it is very hard

narcopathcrusher says August 28, 2014

This article is a gem

    Kim Saeed says August 28, 2014

    Thank you, Narcopathcrusher. Great to see you here. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      narcopathcrusher says August 28, 2014

      What do you mean stopping by, i am a faithful acolyte of your blog *follows you for some time*

        Kim Saeed says August 28, 2014

        🙂 I know, it’s just that when you comment, it feels like I’m on a stage and you’ve thrown a rose 🙂

Jayme Hawkinson says August 27, 2014

Thank you so much, Kim… Once again, your timing and subject matter is impeccable!..

I can not begin to express how much I appreciate your posts!.. Each and every one of them has given me the strength to carry on, even when I fall in “pot holes” along the way…

You’re a “Cyber Soul Sister!!!!

caz says August 27, 2014

hi ive just finished 10 sessions with a psych to get over narc to no avail. What are your thoughts on using anti depressants to get through this extremely difficult time

    Kim Saeed says September 6, 2014

    Caz, if you are having a difficult time with the symptoms you’ve developed from abuse, you may want to consider some type of medication to help. Also, it might be worth checking out other therapists. Many of them don’t have applicable experience to help patients overcome Narcissistic abuse, but there are some good ones out there…you just have to find them. Best wishes <3

betternotbroken says August 27, 2014

I love that quote! But then if you had high-self esteem would you surround yourselves with assholes? I am finding that the answer to that is no. Great post, it helped as usual.

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