Getting back into dating after toxic relationships with emotional abusers is challenging.
If you haven’t done any self-work, there’s horrible doubt and insecurity. Still under the impression that you’re an ugly, wicked, evil troll with no heart, you vow to “fix” yourself to ensure that the next person you meet will fall head over heels in love with you.
Determined to remedy all of your supposed imperfections, you sign up for newsletters from all the top dating and relationship gurus.
You then perform a mental checklist of all the things your abuser said were wrong with you:
- Lose weight
- Try a new hairstyle/new color
- Throw out your wardrobe and dress sexier
- Stop being so insecure
- Stop being a bitch
- Stop being greedy
- Get another two or three jobs
- Don’t ask about other people calling
- Don’t ask questions about unexplained absences
- Drop all people in your social circle
- Shut up and take it
- Stop having an identity
- Stop breathing
STOP!
Before you consider gastric bypass surgery and a face transplant, please stop for a moment…
Have you forgotten who you are?
Do you not remember how the angels sang on the day you were born?
That your heart is filled with the white light of love and compassion?
That there are people who love everything about you, just as you are?
You matter.
You…without changing your essence.
Without changing your appearance.
With all your strengths and weaknesses.
Are there things you might work on in your next relationship? Perhaps.
Relationships in which control and insecurity are the primary dynamics aren’t fulfilling or successful. If you tend to need reassurance on a consistent basis, are clingy, insecure, or jealous, there is certainly room for improvement. Especially when these traits have been magnified by an emotional abuser.
However, that doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to things such as:
- Unexplained absences
- Their relationship with another person
- Persistent phone calls from an ex
- Off-color comments about your appearance
- Attacks on your character
- Their refusal to communicate
- Them expecting you to accept things they know you find unacceptable
- Lying
- Cruelty
There is a difference between allowing another person their space versus being abused. You should never violate your moral code in order to gain another person’s approval. However, if getting a handle on insecurity is something you might benefit from, then make plans to do so. Not because you want another person to accept you, but so you can accept yourself. Security is not found in attachments to anyone or anything outside of ourselves.
How to prepare yourself for healthy love
Dating and relationships require some take-and-give, but you shouldn’t consistently sacrifice your needs for someone else. If you are, it’s a red flag that you might be in an abusive dynamic.
Having a balance of energy allows you to focus on the right priorities without compromising your self-esteem. Similarly, you deserve someone who also has an appropriate balance of energy- a chronic mismatch will only result in destruction.
Healing may take time, but you are worthy of love, respect, and a healthy connection. Dating after toxic relationships is tricky, but true love is still possible.
It all starts with never giving your power away again.
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