Would Jesus go No Contact?

what if the narcissist your parent? I just cant with my mother , she had NO filter, she lies constantly, she never apologizes, she has stolen from me, smeared my name, I had to go NO contact

My husband and I raised 4 sons in a Christian home. We spent time with them, we loved them, had meals (and prayer) around the dinner table. 3 of them adore spending time with us, yet the married oldest son cannot relate to us with anything other than anger, control, and manipulation. He has 2 young children (3 and 5 year old boys that love us). My husband and I have been married 39 years, and we are Christ-followers.

In recent years, our relationship has become extremely volatile (particularly our son and me). Our most recent trip ended with neither he or his wife speaking to us, and ultimatums that we probably can’t live with. There is no discussion of the issues. I have offered to do virtual counseling/therapy, read books, meet with their pastor to no avail. Time with the children is threatened on a regular basis.

We are both feeling like they are moving towards this “go no contact” trend (that we didn’t know existed until this morning), and we are very concerned. You’re putting out approval for this “solution” but not qualifying what makes it an acceptable option for Christians. We are NOT abusive parents!!! Our son is controlling, and treats us as though he is the parent and we are the children. We take care to support their parenting, we offer help and encouragement when we visit, and really don’t expect much in return.

I’m pretty sure they’re looking on sites like this to confirm their plan as believers. I’m scared to death. I appreciate the importance of limited or no contact with abusive people, but where in this post do you advise against this extreme step in the cases of situations like ours? You are not the only source out there that is taking this approach, and I am beyond worried that your advice will provide ammunition against us.

You didn’t mention Narcissistic parents who destroy their children’s lives, self-image, opportunities etc etc.

I thank God that I came to your website tonight!! I have not one narcissist, my husband, but my daughter also. I can’t wait to go no contact ( I hope to be divorced this summer – it’s been almost 3 years since I filed !!!) but I am being financially abused in addition to verbal, mental and spiritual. I have No access to Any marital funds. Everything is in his name. I have to stay here until the assets are divided. It is extremely difficult to live in the marital home with these abusive people. Can you help me to survive?

It is a tragedy that so many women are advised to stay in abusive relationships when the Bible guides us to avoid evil people. We have referenced your post here in our post on 5 Tips to Going No Contact as a Biblical Way to Deal with Abuse at https://www.agapemoms.com/blog/abuse-is-idolatry-5-tips-going-no-contact-biblical-response-domestic-violence Thank you for all you are doing to create awareness!

Hi. Kim I just recently have done my no contact with my EX I am growing so much just in the 4 weeks of my no contact and years to after. I am wanting to have a support group in my church. Where can I get some formats to lead.

I’m so grateful to see you wrote on this topic. My ex-husband was toxic during our marriage and continues to be toxic…even 8 years later. The no-contact issue is one I struggle with. We have a daughter who is now 9 years old. While she has always fussed about not wanting to go with her dad, the older she gets, the more she is able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realize WHY. Court-orders require her to spend time with him, regardless of his toxicity. He is a master manipulator and proved so in the courtroom as well as subsequent hearings related to child support modifications. I have often asked this exact question – would Jesus go no contact? If it were not for our child, I would have ZERO contact. However, in trying to properly raise a young daughter, I have prayed and asked for guidance endlessly on how to communicate with my ex and how to teach my daughter how to honor her father but at the same time keep herself safe when she is with him. It’s a very delicate dance! Any suggestions are welcome on how to deal with such a situation when the court doesn’t acknowledge parental toxicity and innocent children are forced to spend unsupervised time alone with a toxic parent.

I just have one issue with your article. You criticized narc children disobeying their parents, but did not say anything in support of children of narc parents. I’m sure there are narc children who are disrespectful when they should not be, but there are also narc parents who use the 5th commandment as justification for their authority to abuse and control their children.

Under the right circumstances, it is justifiable for children to disobey parents. For example, when Saul wanted to kill David, Saul’s son Johnathan sides with David. Also, the father in the movie “War Horse” should have paid more attention to how it would affect his son when he sold the horse. Respect for parents is often over-emphasized at the expense of respect for the well-being of children and used to justify child abuse. If a controlling parent is trying to force children into doing something that is dangerous to their safety or well-being, the child should be completely justified in disobeying.

The bible also says not to frustrate, embitter, exasperate, or provoke your children. Respect should not be one-sided and there should be more acknowledgement and support for children of narc parents as well.

What if the narcissist is your daughter in law? My son can’t yet see her controlling ways. And can a narc ever repent?

Excellent article! Very powerful and well written. Useful for those who are abused and their significant other keeps them trapped with religion.

This is an awesome post. There is a big difference in forgiveness and “no contact”. I forgave him but the healing truly came with the “no contact” because he no longer had a chance to wound me again. I hope you don’t mind that I reblog this.

While Christianity is not my religion, I was raised in the church and aware of much misogyny perpetuated there. About ten years ago, in my area, we had a local pastor of a very huge and well respected church, he used to have a weekly newspaper question and answer column. A woman wrote in and asked how to deal with her abusive husband. This pastor responded that she should “submit” to the abusive man and “let God handle the rest”. Many of us were appalled at that answer and he was bombarded by many letters, which the newspaper graciously published. Ironically, that pastor recently resigned, stating that he was a womanizer and could no longer continue his reign as pastor. So….I am happy to see Biblical references that say that no one has to submit to abuse or stay with the abuser. Too many women feel obligated to stay and, hence are trapped, because of the heavy indoctrination of the church and the misogyny that exists there and sadly some women end up being killed at the hands of the abuser .My friends recently lost their daughter to domestic violence. Abuse, in any form, is horrific. So, thank you for taking time to explore this topic in relation to the Bible and thank you for the work you do to educate people about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Kim, I am so weak and needy, the hurt I feel is mammoth, but the pain I feel wen I break up with my Narc is even worse. I feel like I can’t live with or without him. I often feel I would be better off dead, cos the pain is too much to bare. I’m trapped in such a dark place and I’m so scared. Nothing can help me.. I’m just too weak and vulnerable.. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Xxx Sonya from Australia xxx

Adding to the list…
How about this passage: “and a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” Matthew 10:36

AND… “when my father and other forsake me then the Lord will take me up” Psalms 27:10

I am struggling to forgive my ex-Narc and want to let go of my anger and resentment toward him as you state here but it is so hard to do so since he never apologized, never owned, and never took responsibility for his heartless actions toward me. Any suggestions on how to overcome that need for an apology? Also, more painful is that I actually did retaliate and did seek revenge (all ended up backfiring on me of course) and so I also am now trying to forgive myself for that; behaviors which are so out of character for me and so shameful. I felt like he pushed my buttons so hard that I eventually just snapped and couldn’t control my logical mind which knows that attempts at revenge will never bring me peace or comfort. Any suggestions on how to forgive myself too? Thank you.

Thanks for the many good points you made. An important distinction to remember is that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. We can forgive the abusive behavior, but if the behavior is unchanged, we are not called to reconcile and stay in the abusive relationship.

I’m late to the party. What a phenomenal post. Thank you! I wrote my own take on narcissism recently (http://wordpress.com/read/post/id/67400755/500/) but I really enjoyed your quotes from the Holy Book. Not one I’ve ever read. I might have to lift one or two of those passages for a future blog post on the “rich and entitled.” Thanks for opening my eyes!

Great post, Kim. I’m saving this one in bookmarks. Bless you.

Very helpful and freeing. Thanks!

Reblogged this on Army of Angels and commented:
This is a great collection of scripture to share with women who are enduring abuse, or think that they are suppose to return to a life of being abused because of what has been taught, in isolation; about forgiving, divorce, being submissive……

Very well written! In wanting to do “the right thing” per scripture, many (myself included), stayed in abusive relationships believing that there was something I was doing wrong. Self-reflection and condemnation of self became a way of life with a narcissistic spouse. One of the defining moments of emptiness came after the discard, when NN was trying to lure me back. He said,”I’m sorry”… When I asked what he was sorry for, he replied that he didn’t know!… Then he said “anything that you think I’ve done”…. Wow…no thank you.

Thank you so much for this well written accurate piece. You are providing so many of us with the knowledge and self-esteem to get away from these awful people. I forgive from a distance, I do it for myself. Thank you.

>

Forgiveness does not mean having to continue to endure what you are forgiving. It took me decades to learn that. This was a powerful post. I believe, rather I know, you can forgive and have no contact. I have done it, and it has helped my healing immensely. Two separate issues, just like you said. I forgive you and I leave you, just like Maya Angelou said.