not ready for a relationship

“I have feelings, but I am not ready for a relationship…”

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Guest submission by ~Yasemin Selek~

It is one of the most disgusting and dangerous statements a person can hear. Hearing this is a sign that someone is willing to misuse something very precious: Your feelings.

Usually those kinds of statements come from the person after he secures the fact that you are devoted. If you ever express the reality of your feelings for him, it is from that point at his discretion how he wants to treat you. If he is decent enough, he will react appropriately no matter whether the feelings between the two of you are mutual. I am not saying that you should never express your feelings as a woman. Actually, do it! Do it, right after you know what you want. However, remember to follow what YOU want. Not what he feels like at that time of his life.

I am a person who can easily determine the wrong person for me, but sometimes I can be too considerate and choose to believe and reason with the person.  But, everything has a good reason and a good meaning.

Have you ever come to a point, where you faced up a strange truth regarding the feelings of a person who has been chasing you? Did he state that he is not ready for a relationship? Take it as a good sign! Do you know what you should do? You should end everything right there! Leave him and escape from him…because these types like chasing you for their own reasons which you will never know.

They are seeing something special in you that you don’t see in yourself. They are actually able to see, that there cannot be established anything mutual and equal between the two of you. It does not necessarily mean you are less or someone else is more. It means you have to take back your courage, which allowed you to open your heart, and continue on your own way. It means you, from here, have to find yourself special.

Remember that being open is a rare quality not many people possess. Having respect for yourself, on the other hand, is an even greater quality. Put these qualities together and remove such a person from your life.

He will most probably come after you, come back or keep chasing you. He may even promise you things which you may not expect after hearing his “friendship” offer. He can fake another “reality” regarding the future of the two of you. He can see a great future with you all of a sudden just because he experiences a rejection. Don’t be surprised if he may want to marry you all of a sudden…

There is another possibility. He can just bring the reality of another woman and triangulate the situation. He can victimize himself on basis of another woman and how life is very troublesome for him at the moment. Do not feel sorry for him. After all it is his problem that you can’t be sure even exists. You are not going to be his hero, right? Be the hero of your own.

Do not believe him. All in all, he just wants to have you at his disposal. Why? As I said before, he has his own reasons which you are never going to know! I can, however, tell you what he means, if he is not ready for a relationship while he enjoys your friendship and all your beautiful qualities.

He says:

  • I am sure of your feelings. Let’s see how much they are suitable for my shady personality.
  • Let’s see if I can make you good enough for my own desires and let’s moreover see if I will still want you after shaping you! You already know that I am not going to give you more…Insist girl, chase me…let me enjoy you by all means.
  • You are being honest and open. Do you really want something blurry? Foggy? Vague?
  • I want to remain friends, because I am not sure what I want. I am not actually sure that I’m good enough. Being in a relationship requires responsibility. Think about this: I have to be there for you, either mentally or if possible physically, if I am in a relationship…hmmm…You can’t always ask for or expect from such a friend to be there for you. By the way, if by any chance, I am there for you as a so-called friend, I bet that you will declare me your hero. However, I doubt that you would do that if I am your boyfriend!
  • I have already guaranteed your feelings. Let me see the other options around. Maybe there are better ones. The truth is everyone is special one way or another. I take that from you, this from her, it from the other and make a great patchwork…After all my desires are patchwork.
  • To be honest, I want to see how much you can lose respect for yourself, for me.
  • Ah! I am just so cool, clever and the most important! Someone cleverer would not want me, because deep inside I know that I am not worthy. Can you see that?

That is it! That is what it means. Sad but true. This person wants to “love you” from eye to eye, hand to hand, finger to finger, word to word, but not heart to heart. You are exclusive, but he can not be.

Having respect for yourself means disrespecting something like that. Before (or after) going through this with such a person, note that he does not want to be refused by the respect that you have for yourself. He will do his best to capture you. Ignore! Capture yourself/YOUR LIFE!

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Mere Dreamer says June 3, 2014

This post frustrated me because it is both true and not, depending on the situation.

Sometimes, “we can only be friends” is simply honest. No man owes me his passion any more than any man can demand more than I offer him. I defraud nobody by saying, we will be friends and no more. If he can’t handle that, he is free to reject my friendship. It isn’t abusive of me to offer, even if he feels he has fallen in love with me for some reason. He loses a momentary wish and gains a life-long friend. I’m an excellent friend, probably a better friend than a lover.

I have accepted friendship from several men I’ve been interested in. We worked together to find a steady balance in our relationships, where neither of us felt burdened. For me it meant unhooking the mantle of “chosen one” from his shoulders, and seeing his value through the lens of friendship. True friends are worth the emotional effort since they enrich life.

On the other hand, if it’s a guy playing yo-yo with my heart, I can see the need to simply break off the relationship and walk away. It would be foolish of me to enable someone, to stroke their ego with my love as if it were only useful for polishing his image. I’m much too valuable to be wasted in that way.

    Kim Saeed says June 4, 2014

    Mere Dreamer, what you say is absolutely true. I think what the article’s author was trying to portray is that her partner’s words were in complete contrast to his actions…saying, “Let’s be friends” while behaving as a lover, but only when it was convenient…in short, playing yo-yo with her heart.

    I do, however, see your point in having a relationship which isn’t dependent upon attachments, emotional or otherwise. This type of relationship is very rare, because both parties would need to have achieved a certain level of self-acceptance, awareness, and openness, and not dependent upon someone outside of themselves for validation.

      Mere Dreamer says June 4, 2014

      True, Kim. I hope I didn’t sound harsh in my confusion. It has taken me years to sort my way through (a few of) the wounds of being manipulated and abused by the man I married. It was strange to discover that it is possible to have healthy relationships with some (rare) men. At first I swore all men would be my enemies forever.

      I’m so grateful for people who provoke me to think through the fine points of these situations as Yasemin did, because it’s easy to simply react without even noticing why I’m responding the way I do.

    yaseminselek says June 5, 2014

    Hi:) I am actually writing about the types, those who bounce. I was more focusing on “being not ready”.
    ‘I am not ready…’ is already unclear from the beginning. Ignore the person forever.
    In case you don’t, and if you chose to trust his changed mind, then the consequences are not different from what I have mentioned in the article.
    “I only see you as a friend” is very clear cut. Watch, that he does not change his mind in case you reject it 🙂
    I have so much respect for them, those who know what they want:) That was not the case in this article.
    As you are saying, it is indeed depending on the situation.
    Best wishes.

Kelli says June 2, 2014

This could not have been more timely for me….just going 100% no contact, everything I can think of blocked because the friend card he handed me was slowly taking away the last bit of self respect I had ..after all I did for him he can’t decide if he loves me anymore – tells me well once he had hope but not anymore….ummmm…not a chance in hell I am hanging on to that deal….I remember a conversation a few months ago where he said “I love you..I care for you…but I don’t love you the way you love me…I don’t know what I want but I don’t want a relationship right now…I just need a best friend” and since then I have been slowly squeezed out, expectations managed down to a 5 minute phone call in the morning and 4-5 day silences because he is playing with his new targets and has no interest in me, can’t even said one text in 5 days yet his phone can go off with 20 texts in a 10 minutes he needs the attention so bad…works up to 10 women at a time…its not that he doesn’t love to text…just not to me anymore..and guess what? I can’t say a thing can I because i accepted the friend card…I said ok with that awful enemy hope telling me to hang on and let him see how much he loves me..except he doesn’t, he never did and never will. And so I told hope to take a hike and replaced it with reality. The friend card took away my right to have a say in the relationship, left me powerless to ask for what I needed and kept the raw wounds open for more pain. “I have feelings for you…i care for you…I love you BUT…..” Just walk…actually run….cause those kind of cowards can’t leave the fragile empty world of lies they live in…let them let you go….its your get to be free from their torture..the rest is between them and God

    texaskaylee says June 23, 2014

    I feel like I’m in the same boat Kelli – I just went NC with my ex but he was my best friend before we started dating and then we were trying to stay close like that after our relationship fell apart (due to his constant need for attention from other girls). So we turned into a friends with benefits situation which led to us being around each other like we are dating and then he leaves and can do whatever he wants and I don’t have a say bc ‘we are just friends’ yet he still feeds me the lines of BS of ‘youre the most important person to me” “Im just not ready for a relationship” “if I wanted a gf, I’d be you”…just all sorts of crap. And then some weeks, I’d get calls every night, some weeks, 3-4 days of nothing. I’m good about never calling him first but it’s still crap – I know it just has to do with the other attention he is getting. But I started the NC yesterday with an email telling him that I needed time and I’d contact him. I know he was with a girl last night, which cuts deep but I need to let it go. I’m very upset bc we had that ‘friendship’ background but what kind of friend lies and is deceitful and puts you through the emotional turmoil they do at the expense of their supply needs. It’s just a complete mindscrew. Hope your NC is still going strong.

      Kelli says June 25, 2014

      You just described my exact situation better than I did! I NEVER contacted him first – it was that unspoken rule because we all really knew what he was up to. I was too afraid to get that irritated text or no answer at all. See, its all just mind games…they manipulate our insecurities and fears to keep us at bay so they can “have their freedom” (how many times did I hear that?) but then they never really clue us in on where we stand with them…they call and “honey and baby” us and invite us to family functions and call us with their sad stories and problems and we feel so needed and then…boom…nothing …and we know and they know we know but then if we get upset and ask or question – they go off on not having freedom or not being able to have friends….its sickening and then we find ourselves giving up a little more of our own boundaries and expectations and rationalizing just to ease the horrible pain of having to accept that what they are doing to us really is horrible and unfair. Its meant to make us jealous and needy..that makes them feel important. Somehow we are left to feel that they are right and we are annoying for wanting commitment and honesty …over 3 years he whittled our intense relationship into an intense sporadic little friends with benefits at his complete discretion. But then talked as if we were together and would be forever. We need to let these other women go – here is how I am trying to handle that awful pain of knowing they are always pursuing and with others…the other women are not better, they are just new and different….they need to distract themselves to keep from really dealing with things, with us, they almost have to look into the relationship deeper if they stay with only us and then they bolt and distract themselves again,…i always thought I was the one, now I realize I was just one of many….what he and I had between us I miss terribly – our conversations and jokes and things we loved to do and then I realize the lies behind every interaction we had, and the cruelty and the way he told his other girls that I was prude or ugly to get them to accept that he had the worst girlfriend in the world and he needed them, the way he was ok to throw me under the bus, ignore me when I needed him and I realize all he is is a worthless leech..and sure we had a little friendship but then I step out of that tiny tiny piece of his world that was my whole world and see all the other worlds he lives in doing the same stuff he does with me with other women and it keeps me walking away…Been over a month NC, longest I have been out of touch in 3 years and I have broken up many times before – i can name the break ups by the women he was with – Heather, Renee, Alice, Melony, Dawn, Lori, Amy, Cheryl…hey by the way Cheryl sat in front of me this week at my sons graduation (her daughter was graduating) and guess what….she’s nothin special at all – now that my vision is clear again…these women are nothing but toys, theres nothing better or worse about them….be glad we are not one of them anymore….my heart breaks for you….I miss him everyday despite this but everyday its clearer the horrible way I was lied to and hurt on purpose and I just decided I owed it to myself to love myself more than him….you do the same because you are right – NO friend would do those things to you – he is not a friend….always here to listen and thank for letting me know I am not alone really helped…remember it was never really you and he against the world, it was just him against you…..Stay strong – I know we are gonna be so much happier….someday….Kelli

Theonethatgotaway says June 2, 2014

Wow. This is how my 5 year long relationship started. It’s over now. Thank God. After being off and on. This off time will stay off thanks to people like you. Thank you for your blog! Do you know in the 6 months I’ve been single again I have come across more men like this but this time I just walk away and block them and keep trotting on with the splendor that I am, I wish I knew this before I got into the relationship with my ex. But I think I had to go through it to grow and learn.

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