narcissists take and don't give

Why Won’t the Narcissist Psychopath Leave Me Alone?

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This is a common question among those who are thinking of leaving or have left an emotionally abusive partner (Narcissist, Sociopath, Borderline, etc.) 

While some exceptions exist, the main reason that a Psychopath won’t leave someone alone is that their target hasn’t implemented No Contact in its true form.

For example, I often read on forums that someone has been “No Contact” for x-number of days, but then they receive a phone call, an email, or a Facebook message from the person they’re trying to get away from, which of course keeps them in a state of confusion and doubt.  (The only reason an abusive Ex should have an open line of communication is in the case of shared custody, and even then, there should only be one).

If there is a way for the Psychopath to contact you, then you haven’t gone No Contact…you’ve gone “No Response”, which is different.  Let’s talk about what No Contact really means as described in my article, The No-Contact 7-Day Challenge ~ Quitting Your Narcissist:

What No Contact IS

No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your cell phone.  There are a number of apps that will allow you to do this.  “Mr. Number” is a great one because you can set it to automatically hang-up without ever going to voice mail.

No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your email accounts.  All of them.  If you are the type that needs to explain what you are doing, then send a final email, and then block them.  Don’t leave yourself open for a reply because doing so will only lead to more crazy-making.

No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your social networks.  All of them.  There is absolutely no reason to keep them on your “friends” list.  This includes Facebook, Skype, Tango, VooLoo, Facetime, etc.  Make a list of all the networks you use and remove the Ex from all of them.

No Contact is – Changing your cell phone number, if needed, and only giving it to friends and family.  Not your Ex.

No Contact is – Not answering the door if they come over.  And they likely will.  Don’t crack the door so you can tell them you’re fulfilling the No Contact rule.  It’s counter-productive and shows the Psychopath they are winning, which is all they want in the first place.  If they insist, walk away from the door, go to your room, put in earplugs, sing a ditty, or hook yourself up with earphones and your favorite song/meditation on YouTube.  Pretend they aren’t there. If you begin to worry about your safety, call the police.  No need to inform them you will do it, just do it.

No Contact is – Letting a trusted friend open anything you receive from the Narcissist through USPS.  Let them determine if it’s something that can be saved for evidence, or just smoke and mirrors saying they miss you. If you have a custody arrangement, let same trusted friend open the letter to determine if it’s a legal matter or just their attempt at Hoovering.

No Contact is – Not replying to friends they send your way in order to pump you for information.

No Contact is – Not accepting any new “friend requests” on social networks, especially if it’s a request with no picture and was JUST established.

What No Contact Isn’t:

No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them with complete access to call or text you and deciding if you will answer the phone or not when they call.

No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them on your “friends” list on your social networks so you can covertly show them how happy you are in order to make them jealous and/or miss you OR so you can post pretty pictures of yourself to make them “regret” how they treated you.

No Contact Isn’t – Ignoring them for a few days to teach them a lesson, and then letting them back in as if nothing happened.

No Contact Isn’t – Asking your mutual acquaintances about your Ex so you can find out if they are dating again.

No Contact Isn’t – Sending a message or text that you will be going “No Contact” and then caving in when they start throwing a fit.  They will throw a fit.  Save yourself the drama.  Keep those lines of communication blocked.

No Contact Isn’t – Telling all your friends that you’ve gone No Contact, but secretly communicating with your Ex because you’re embarrassed and ashamed of the truth.

The Why

There are typically three reasons why the Psychopath is able to get through during No Contact:

1)      You genuinely forgot about that Instagram account you hardly ever use and you find a message on it from your Ex from two weeks ago.

2)      He or she stalked you to your favorite coffee shop/restaurant/park, etc.

3)      You secretly want the Ex to get in touch with you.

If you find a message on a networking site you rarely use, simply delete it and remove/block the Ex.

If they stalk/follow you to a place you are visiting, you will need to let them know you aren’t interested in pursuing the relationship and ask them to leave you alone. If they resist, inform them that you will involve the authorities if necessary.  As a last resort, go back to your car, go home, and call the police to file a report.  It’s important to establish the fact that you no longer want contact with your Ex in case your situation goes to court later, such as in the case of your needing to file a restraining/protective order.

If #3 resonates with you, it’s important to understand why the Psychopath is trying to get back into your good graces.  Following are common examples of why they do this (this isn’t a comprehensive list):

  • Because they can – when you repeatedly let the psychopath back into your life after obvious abuse and mistreatment, they will not only continue to abuse you, they will take it as a sign that you are willing to accept such abuse.
  • You’ve started to internalize their lies about you – after months and years of hearing that no one else would ever want you except for sex and money, you believe it to be true.  Additionally, you believe their abusive descriptions of you such as you are too old, too overweight, not intelligent enough, not pretty or handsome enough…think about it, would someone who loves you EVER say these things?
  • Punish and Destroy – they enjoy playing cat and mouse.  Since you dared to establish a boundary, they want to prove that not only can they violate it; they will destroy what self-esteem you might have left in the process.

Many targets of emotional abuse feel that implementing No Contact and sticking with it is a cruel way to end the relationship.  That’s because they are able to feel compassion and empathy for others.  Psychopaths don’t.  While you are trying to protect their feelings, they are plotting ways to make you pay for your decision of No Contact, and you will only suffer more at their hands.  Unfortunately, it’s necessary to detach yourself from your feelings of empathy and consider No Contact as a way of escaping abuse, beginning recovery, and starting a  new life.

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Casey says November 4, 2022

My narcissist is one of the top government officials in the country. He has solid ties in the Judiciary, well-known organizations, law enforcement, and local governments. When I threatened to sue him and went no contact, he picked off my inner circle one by one. The most loyal of them were themselves or one of their family members sued with no-basis suits (which were not dismissed by the judges). This manner of harassment and threats he used to turn my closest friends against me, using them to spread rumors about me to authorities and within my communities, effectively isolating me. He has also gotten to my therapist, and is insinuating he will be isolating me from my parents and siblings next. He has also threatened to sue me with a criminal charge. How do I go no contact when even my bosses are afraid of him? I am expecting to be removed from my post because he is insinuating retaliating against our clients.

Cindylouwho says April 24, 2021

Tragically… I’m experiencing this from a family member. I have fulfilled true no contact. My family is supportive. Still, she persists, any chance she can find. I keep plugging the ‘holes.’ This situation is really sad, but I have had to protect myself. No matter what it costs.

Anonymous says October 3, 2020


Danielle says December 24, 2019

I just wanted to say after reading everyone’s stories just wow these psychopaths are really all the same! The stalking, lying, cheating, disregard for the law. It’s unfortunate that we all have similar stories but fortunate that we have each other. Stay strong peoples ✌?

E says December 23, 2019

No contact is not possible when you have children together!

sarah says December 7, 2019

In my case I did go NC from the very day I broke up with him this July! I blocked him on everything I could think of and then the harassment started – redirected calls, texts from new numbers, new social media accounts, emails from various email addresses, and sending me unwanted gifts and letter. I didn’t respond to anything. He even reached out to my friends and all of them blocked him. I got an emergency phone and redirected all calls on my old number to voicemail.

By the end of August things escalated and he had attempted to hack into my accounts, waited from me outside of my work to catch me on the way home, tried to track my whereabouts and IP address, researched how to hack a Macbook, and so many other things. There were multiple attempts occurring daily since July.

I had only been seeing this man for a year! I honest to god didn’t couldn’t believe or understand what was happening and became scared. I concluded that something wasn’t right with him and decided to look into his past to try and predict future behaviour to safeguard myself. That day will be imprinted in my mind forever! He was a different person to what he portrayed in our relationship. He had been extremely violent to an ex partner – punching, head butting, spitting, and kicking her in the back resulting in her being on medication for weeks. He had 100s of nudes of various women (sometimes 4 within the same day) he had pressured them into sending and seemed to have kept as tokens, evidence of him degrading and humiliating a number of women including prostitutes he found on Craigslist, and many other signs of possible criminal activity including previous stalking predatory behaviour .

I reported all of it and provided evidence to the police the same week at the end of August. All of it! The stalking didn’t stop and he found ways around every barrier I put in place – even using a bloody project management app called Trello to force communication onto me. All of it was logged and handed in as evidence. He was arrested and all his electronics were seized in mid-October. He has been released under strict bail conditions to stay away from me whilst they look into everything. Icing on the cake….. I most recently found out he set up a legal company during the relationship in my name without my knowledge. I’m now having to fork out £10k to get myself removed.

Do I feel he has stopped? Do I feel it’s going to stop anytime soon? Absolutely not – I just have no way to prove this time. The man is very tech savvy and I know its still happening. It’s been relentless and it’s clearly obsessive delusional behaviour. He truly believes we are meant to be together and me going NC has somehow made me into some sick little prize in his mind.

Do I feel I’m in danger? Yes and there’s nothing I can really do about it either. I’ve now officially been trapped in this situation for nearly 6 months and sadly I don’t see it stopping anytime soon even with a restraining order.

La says July 24, 2019

The part about, “if you receive a message from the narcissist, you have not gone no contact bit rather no response” is utter bullshit. I have repeatedly blocked my narcissist on everything under the God’s green earth and have not responded however, he creates text-free numbers and new email addresses weekly and continues to message me despite me not responding and blocking each new email and number he created. So, how dare you say that someone in my situation has gone “no response” as opposed to no contact! If you have advice on how I am to not receive messages so that I break though your so called “no response” and move into “no contact” please enlighten me.

    Kim Saeed says July 27, 2019

    Yes, in this case, you would need to change your own phone number and email addresses. I’ve done it a few times for this very reason (even though I have kids and use my phone and email for work). Worked like a charm.

Patrick Netherlands says July 15, 2019

I have contacted my new ex after she asked me to leave her alone. And the reason why is that after everything I went through I expected some respect for what I did.
Also she simply forgot to think about some belongings, I want them back.
They have no reason to stay in her house, she didn’t show empathy, and in order to release pressure and bad feelings instead of simply “dumping” one should have the guts and character to take the phone at least or do it in person.
I had a long distance relationship. I drove like 6.000km for her in the last 5 months.
Deeply but really deeply in love I felt with her. The anxiety of not receiving messages anymore and being ignored lead to me overreacting… a classical error when you have a non communicative person on one side and an over-passionate person at the other side. I deeply apologized, sent flowers, etc. worthless, she was rude “leave me alone”
I respect women. I respect her. But I do not respect her way of rude handling after I have made so clear to have regret and at the same time not wanting to make good.
May be she was afraid and put an iron fence in front of her, in the end she is Russian, and they have some experience in setting up iron fences.
Never again will I make the mistake of overreacting, although being confronted with ignorant persons and lies about broken GSM’s make me very angry… just sheer bad luck, she could not have made such a point of it, but decided to kick me under my ass, very strong and decisive but without empathy, and that I find disturbing.
No messages I sent her anymore. And I wonder how the hell Cupido connected me to her…maintaining calmth…when someone does not communicate, already is difficult, when you ask what happens and they ignore you…then it is even more difficult…when you find out with 100% proof they lied to you about their broke GSM… how much can a normal person who is in love bear?…are we supposed to act like robots respecting that persons “leave me alone”-comment without anger? It all depends on the situation. And yes, there are limits, but this German-Russian lady played a mindgame with me and that makes me very angry, cause that is ratio vs honest emotion.

jim says June 19, 2019

So my EX, of 2.5 years was lying and cheating… with her EX and others. Once i got enough proof i confronted her. She only came clean about the things she thought i knew. i told her it was a toxic relationship and i needed to get out and heal.
i went NC, blocking everywhere. she continues to create a new email and send me another letter, but i never respond. she showed up at my place on my birthday and i was outside, but never let her on the property and told her to leave and walked inside. She still calls my phone daily, even though she is blocked, i never respond. Months after the breakup She actually left a VM which she never did in the relationship, i deleted it. I cant change my number due to its my work number for my business. After reading so much the past months i realize she will never let go until she finds another .

Christine says July 18, 2018

If you have gmail, you can have it deleted. Go to ‘Filters and Blocked Addresses’ In the bottom – middle pick “create a new filter” Enter email address, then “create a filter with this address” In second section pick “DELETE IT”. Works like a charm.

Another way on your phone is it set your phone to only receive calls or emails from your contacts. May not work for everyone, like if it is a business phone. On an iphone use “Do Not Disturb” under Settings tab. Turn on. Then pick “Allow calls from – All Contacts” or you can make a list.

    Kim Saeed says July 22, 2018

    Thanks for this awesome advice, Christine! 🙂


Chris says December 27, 2017

My story is complicated, so I’ll keep it short. I ended the relationship due to two things. 1) I realized I was gay (was bi, but have been heavily leaning one way for a while) and 2) Because I felt very suffocated. I had tried previously to let her know she was not allowing me to do anything besides being with her, but she would always come at me like I was some spawn of Satan, so I stopped. Through every issue we had, I was not allowed to express hurt, or the notion that she was doing something wrong. I was always told “it’s not about me”. So, even if #1 didn’t happen.. I would have still left. Anyway.

I was told (honestly was screamed at) very nasty vindictive things on the very last interaction we had. I wasn’t allowed (yet again) to say anything. I was hung up on before I could get past the first sentence. I sent a message and left it at that. This was back in October. October 15th. She apparently sent a message to me on Christmas day, I had just seen it tonight as I don’t sign onto that site very often. And yes, I do have her blocked everywhere.. or so I had thought. She had contacted me like nothing horrible was said to me at all. Like we were friends. There was no remorse or regret. No apology for anything. That’s why I know I have to stay away, even though I would love nothing more than to put her in her place several times over.. I know it’s not going to be worth it.

If there is no remorse, regret, apology.. Nothing. Then it’s not even worth reading what they have to say. Even if there is any kind of regret or apology, be careful. Hope this helps someone somewhere.

Kirsten says May 5, 2017

It has been almost 6 years since I broke up with my abusive ex. The last time I spoke to him was almost 5 years ago and I told him that I do not want to speak with him again and told him not to contact me again.

He used to text “Hey” and I would ask “Who is this?” and when I got the answer I would block the number. More recently I would get “Hey” and just block it without answering. He got my brother’s number through a mutual friend of theirs and started texting him saying they have some things in common and he’s not the same person he once was (he’s actually worse now). My brother didn’t answer him once he knew who it was.

Then somehow he got my new email address that I made after I ended it (because he had hacked my other ones). I have made sure there are no ties to my old email address so I really do not know how he got the email address. He emailed me last night asking if he could order from my and my parent’s business website. I asked my dad what he thought I should do, if I need to make it clear again that I want nothing to do with him. He said “ignore and mark as spam”.

Replying to him gives him my energy and I don’t want to give him any more. Just not sure what I am doing wrong. I have told him no contact, blocked him from facebook and every new number he gets I block. He has been in jail for theft and battery on an officer and I even got a facebook message a year or 2 ago from a girl he was dating because he put a knife to her throat. She was asking me if I thought he could change. Sure, he can get worse. I am afraid he will see my car one day and follow me. I am in a great relationship now with a wonderful man who treats me well. I want nothing to do with my past. I learned my lesson the hardest way and I want him to just GO AWAY!

    Christine says May 5, 2017

    For me it is only 4 months and I feel so much better. I had unfriended him during the relationship on Facebook, can’t even remember why actually. When I went no contact, I didn’t delete him, I blocked him on my phone. This way no texts, no phone calls. I did the same with email which is harder because the messages go into spam.

    One thing he did was send me several messages asking why I put him on a list. I made the mistake of unsubscribing him which I assume he got confirmation about because he emailed me later. I didn’t respond. He called my friends and they hung up.

    I haven’t seen anything in a while but would just delete it if I did. In a way, I think i am lucky and my ex found his next victim.

Kelly Harper says April 6, 2017

I have done no contact thing for years he still finds everywhere i live his latest he sent a criminal in my house while my kids were there luckly i had 3 men who where there to protect me. He dont have my number. Or social neworks. But some reason he still trys to hurt me i left him 15 yrs ago

    Ron says May 24, 2019

    You will always have to be on your guard. My ex-wife is this way and we were divorced 37 years ago and I live 4 states away. Keep a few friends, relatives and trusted neighbors informed for your safety. Stay on good terms with your lawyer since you might need legal protection. Unfortunately, most people will think you are paranoid, but you are not. My ex will accuse me of anything, and will break any laws to get revenge/payback for divorcing her. She will go to great lengths to spy and attempt to get my financial assets. Time and distance will slow down this person, but never stop him. You probably need to secretly arm yourself.

Um... says February 5, 2017

You are aware there’s literally no way to block email, right?

The only possible way is to set up a ‘rule’ that automatically deletes it, but it’s still sitting there in your trash for you to see when clearing out other junk mail.

    Kim Saeed says February 7, 2017

    True, there are some email programs that don’t allow complete blocking. This is why it’s sometimes necessary to change your own email address. I’ve had to change both my email address and my phone number, even though I use both for work. Worked like a charm…

    Cam Styer says July 18, 2018

    You can block incoming emails.

Need help desperately says January 4, 2017

I am living in another state, he has people following me all the time. But I see where, I have not cut him off. talking about him to my friend.

Paranoid 2016 says August 29, 2016

Late comment but very appreciate this. I’ve left his emails unblocked aside from everything else because I am scared for my safety and feel like I need to keep tabs on him.

In the end, the hardest part is feeling like he will ostracize me from my friends and a large part of my life.. He has really held me back and damaged me and I am ready to grow. I moved out and let him again once after a couple months, (of course finding a bunch of messages in some old account) and it was a huge mistake. This is a great article, I will read it as much as I have to, thanks.

For now I guess I will always look over my shoulder.. I know he’ll be at my doorstep soon and won’t leave.. and I’ll be ready to call the police.

Jelly says August 6, 2016

We have been separated for 3 months, but I just began no contact with my abusive narc husband last week. I blocked his number in my phone and blocked him from seeing my posts on facebook. But I didn’t block him from other messaging platforms…I think part of me is scared to completely cut off contact in-case I need more evidence of his crazy when court time rolls around.

But you’re right, I need to completely block him because even without responding to him or opening his messages, just knowing that he has sent them gives me anxiety. He has started showing up at my apartment 2 times per day, but I have never answered the door. He has left flowers and notes full of empty promises and begging me to take him back. I probably shouldn’t have read them, but reading them helped me realize what a jerk he really is. Among his honeyed words were promises not to do such-and-such ever again, and that stung because it means he knew exactly what he was doing and that it was wrong, but he did it anyway.

I’m hoping he will stop coming to my apartment soon. I have to look over my shoulder every time I leave the house. I am developing symptoms of PTSD. I jump any time I hear a knock (doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with) or if someone calls my name in public, my heart races and I get dizzy anytime something reminds me of him.

I’ll go through all of my social media tonight and block him from everything.

    Sophia says September 14, 2016

    Jelly I know how you feel and what do you mean when you say you are scared to cut him completely off. I left my abusive Narc/Socio/Psyho without telling him I’m leaving him.He does not know where am I at the moment.I moved to another country and cut the ties with all friends except few that he is not in contact with. It is a year and a half now and he still sends me sms’s to some of my numbers. I blocked him on everything I could and where he can be aware that he is blocked as I want to send him a message that I want no contact. Unfortunately cell phones do not have that facility. I was hoping he will realize I want no contact. But no. If he can not get hold of me,he bothers my old parents and my friends and other family members. So for me to protect them from his abuse I decided to “allow” him to send sms’s that I never reply to.It is also some kind of monitoring device for me,to know where he is and what his intentions are.I regularly receive “friends requests” on FB from different people and delete them immediately. I don’t know if he will ever leave me alone and don’t know what is he capable of. I just have to hope that he will find a new source of supply (that I already feel sorry for) and forget about me.

    Katie says October 3, 2020

    Don’t give up folks. I respect each and every single one of you very much.

Car says January 26, 2016

Hi Kim.

I have been in no contact w the narc for about 4 months. I changed my email address and phone number. Every week he leaves a note on my windshield of my car asking for a second chance. What else can I do as I gave blocked him from contacting me. Leaving his notes is still a contact. Getting frustrated.

Thank you

    Kim Saeed says January 29, 2016

    Hi Car, it might help to get a lawyer to write him a simple cease and desist letter instructing him to stop leaving the notes on your car. In my own experience, my Ex didn’t leave me alone until I got an attorney involved. Hope that helps!

      Carrie says January 29, 2016

      Hi Kim.

      I will contact an attorney.

      Thank you so much.


TribalVibe says October 5, 2015

I enjoyed reading this informative post. I’ve gone NC for over a year. My ex tried getting in touch with me in February by using *67 (because his number is blocked), so I changed my number. He’s blocked from being able to contact me online through email and social networks, so he has started sending me messages using the invite a friend features on social networking sites (since even though he’s blocked, those sites aren’t blocked from sending me messages) and those messages are all going to my business email. I’ve reported him to my ISP and the sites he’s used to send me these messages. I’ve filed reports with the police, department of law enforcement in my state and the FBI. Most people would have gotten the picture by now.

lovepressed says July 6, 2015

I’ve been trying to peg my ex fiance for sometime. After reading this blog and others I’ve come to the conclusion that he is a sociopath. 6 months after our breakup, a family member of his text me a picture of his new tattoo.
It was my face on his arm.
He is a sociopath.
Still trying to have a foothold in my life. But they can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the wheel. 🙂

I’ve been no contact (his phone blocked, his emails blocked). He used an account I forgot about to send me an email of his body he worked out.

As if a “toned” body will eradicate all the emotional, sometimes physical abuse, gaslighting, threats “I’m just going to shoot myself and my dog”, opiate abuse, emotional abandonment, crazy making, egg shell walking and financial abuse he inflicted upon me and my child.

These types of people have no boundaries. Not when they see you as property.
Even though I’m not with him. He still sees me as property owned.

But he doesn’t own me. And that’s the beauty of it!

I tied up a last financial matter we had both forgotten about recently. He uses this communication to see if I’m getting married.

Don’t give these people ANY type of information about your life. They WILL try to weasel in. Try to make you doubt yourself, second guess yourself, wonder the what ifs. There’s only bad news where they are concerned.

I sternly told him, via email, my personal life was not up for discussion and tied up the last financial matter.

He will receive no further communication from me. Ever.

I read the struggles on here. I was there. But nixing that person from your life and holding your ground… every day gets easier. Also writing about what you are going through helps a lot. I referred to my journal (I wrote daily of my experience at the tail end of the relationship and the breakup).

It only empowers you, reading that. You gauge how far you’ve come.

I’m so much stronger, more empowered and 100% in control of my life, my emotions and ZERO drama.

You realize, looking back, how much of an emotional life sapping drain was on you.

Your steps bounce. And when you have bad days, it’s STILL better days than THOSE days.

So do your no contact. Sever those ties. Don’t let those toxic sociopathic, narcissistic people define you. YOU ARE AWESOME and you are of VALUE. That’s why they want you. They talk you down to keep you from realizing your worth. Shower your awesomenss on yourself. Educate yourself and learn what a health relationship is.

Realize that there IS someone out there who is healthy and will value add to your life. Not take away value.

Learn the signs of what a toxic person is. When you see it you will immediately u-turn and not waste your time. You know where those roads lead.

I’m speaking from experience. After I educated myself and got into the dating world, I recognized and listened to my gut. Dropped them immediately and without hesitation but tactfully. That’s when some of the monsters came out.

I wish someone would have told me about these tools. But I’m glad I learned a hard lesson. Better to have learned from 8 years than never.

Blessings and good luck all!

Stacie says June 3, 2015

My ex has threatened suicide, painted my name and that he loves me all over motorway bridges near my home, followed me, threatened to bankrupt me, sent me cards & flowers, proposed and told me he has cancer. 2 days ago, I was fired from my new job because of all the drama. He pleaded not guilty to the assault that finally woke me up to end the relationship & now I have to face him in court.
I’m getting no support from home. Mam can’t take anymore. Last week he drove 4 hours to harrass her, but this isn’t a breach of his bail. I feel so alone right now. Thank you for giving me an understanding of what his intentions are.

Adoree says May 27, 2015

I have an ex boyfriend whose wrote my mom a letter asking for me to see him in jail . Hes in jail cause he stole my car . Why dont he go away ?

wendy says March 31, 2015

How do you block people from your email accounts? If there were a way to do that I would. It’s been 6 years and he still contacts me a couple times a year. I have never once responded. I told him I wouldn’t and have stuck to it. There were times when it was difficult, but I set rules for myself. I decided I can think about him, and I can miss him and feel sad. That’s okay. But the one thing I was not allowed to do is make contact. If I went back on that it would tarnish my integrity. Makes it easier to hold myself accountable that way. Now it’s not such a temptation anymore and I see the emails more as a curiosity. But I resent the fact that he ignores boundaries and thus forces me to think about him still. I remind myself that if he actually cared (instead of just saying it) that he’d leave me alone to be happy. I have sworn off men at this point. Haven’t dated anyone since. I just can’t pick the right ones. Sometimes I’m lonely, but mostly feel it’s better this way.

    Kim Saeed says April 14, 2015

    Wendy, thank you for stopping by and sharing your story. Regarding blocking, it’s not as easy as it used to be. iPhones allow you to block calls and texts, but they go to a “blocked” folder where you still have the unfortunate chance to get weak and listen to them. Most people end up changing their emails and phone numbers to ensure the Narc can’t get in touch with them.

Wade says March 18, 2015

My ex narcissist girlfriend keeps contacting me. I have ask her to leave me alone, she says she will and two days later I get a text. Then I’m right back to thinking she loves me. A few days ago I thought it’s been a couple of days since I’ve heard from her so I texted her Good Morning. She went off on me. It was the first time I had tried to contact her first. I guess it’s ok for her to contact me, but I’m not allowed to contact her. I had broken up with her back in January because she was lying and cheating. I was doing good till the middle of February when she 1st contacted me. She never wants anything it’s like she just wants to mess with my head. It’s my fault I had to break up with her and that she treats me so bad. According to her. I’m going crazy and can’t seem to let go. what so I do ?

Anna says March 4, 2015

Hello Kim I would like to thank you so much for all of the information you have put up on this site. I usually do not comment on things on the net but this I have to. You have shown me the way on how to get away from my abusive ex. I left him 4 1/2 months ago and implemented the no contact rule and have done exactly as you instructed. I changed my number, blocked him on social media and severed ties with mutual friends that we had. I have not felt this free since before I got trapped by him 4 years ago. It was 4 years of pure hell and I truly thought there would never be a way out. I never even realized he was a narcissist until I read through your website; you revealed to me so many things I never realized about him. Thank you for taking the time to post this to the world to help women like me! If I never see or hear from him again it will be too soon!

    Kim Saeed says March 8, 2015

    Anna, thank you so very much for reaching out and sharing…also for your very kind and encouraging words. I truly hope I can continue to provide insightful and helpful articles during your journey of recovery. Best of luck , and KUDOS on going No Contact! <3

Katie says March 3, 2015

I am 9 months out of a nearly 11 year verbally and physically abusive relationship and have 2 children with him. I have moved a few hours away just so he can’t bother me as much, but he still threatens me and try’s to control my life. The only thing that stops him from coming to where I live is the fact that I still let him contact me through the phone, although I know this is only a temporary solution, I know he will eventually come to get me. And I must say to everyone who says to just call the police and get a restraining order. That’s bullshit that does not always take care of the problem and I know from experience, in some cases it makes it much worse. All a restraining order is a piece of paper and in a lot of cases the police do nothing more then maybe arrest them for a short period of time. I have no faith in our justice system, so many women in similar positions have ended up severely beaten or dead because the police don’t solve the problem. All I’m trying to say is I know how horrible these situations can be and how hard it truly is to get away from them. So for the people out there who criticize abused women and say how stupid we are for being in this position please shut up. Until you’ve been in the situation you don’t truly understand

Anonymous says March 2, 2015

Thank you so much. I am 6 months out of a horrible situation. My ex was disabled and as he got sicker he got meaner, crazier and more controlling. My therapist said he controlled me with his illness. I could never be sick (migraines, the flu, who cares he said) tired, or sleepy (you don’t need sleep you are not sick he said) or need any time or space to myself (if you want to be alone it’s because you don’t love me or you are cheating he said)- ALL because I was not the one who was sick, right? I tried for 2 years to get away, all the while caring for him, cleaning up his messes, wiping his behind, cooking meals he said were nasty and threw on the floor, spending my money on his kids, flying them to come see us and then I was the one who took care of them and tried to help them have a good time. Finally it got so bad last fall, I was literally trying to save his life, he was dying in front of me, and I was trying to get him dressed and get him to the hospital (3rd time in 8 months we were off the the ER), and he was angry and punched me in the face. I had told him that no matter what if he ever laid a hand on me we were done. Well I was done. I did save his life, got him to the ER and he was gravely ill but survived. I said I would help him get help, and he was not coming home and I was done. He was angry, and before he was even out of the hospital threatening me. He would ruin my career, embarrass me personally and professionally, have me arrested, thrown out in the street. He left town and is far away now but he started threatening me and harassing me via every available channel. I cut him off completely 2 weeks after he left town. He keeps trying though I have blocked everything I could. Just found out today he has been stalking my Linkedin Profile. Pathetic. Thank you again for your insights. I found this after getting upset that he has been stalking me on LinkedIn and feel so much better now.
Stay strong everyone, it can get better.

Anonymous says February 19, 2015

I never had difficulty going no contact. I couldn’t wait to get out and be free of the gaslighting and emotional torment I was going through, as was my son. It does take a long time to heal as I am still going through this after 17 months. I am still being followed and monitored by others. I can actually laugh and see the humour in it as to what he is still trying to do via others (men) now as it happens quite regularly – to see if I will take the bait and go out with them if they ask. He has people set situations up, finds out where I am and they appear. I think of the lengths they will go to, to prove to people they aren’t what they think is being said when it isn’t but they are the ones flapping their gums months and months after ‘no contact’ and still going on and trying to catch you out so they can go ‘see I told you she is what I said she was’ after such a long long time and trying to convince people of something you just aren’t. They will do anything to put you in a bad light and themselves in a good light. Real men don’t treat women like this. ‘Shudder’ – I now have a very bad taste in my mouth and are very happy being single and working hard on finding out who I really am. Going no contact is so important to getting some freedom and privacy back into your life.

    Kim Saeed says February 21, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your story, Anon. I went through a similar situation and can say that your input is quite accurate.

    Thank you, too, for highlighting how important going No Contact is. Glad you are out and moving forward with your life.

      anonymous says February 23, 2015

      Thanks Kim. I have also learnt not to listen to stories. I had someone I know and a couple of other people including a therapist say people get into certain careers to control others and that someone they knew was controlling and it was aimed at me. I’m definitely not controlling – a mirror image of what the toxic one I believe knows they are. Amazes me as to what stories are told and what people will listen to. These individuals are actually defining what the toxic person is not me but they don’t know it. Normal people try move on and don’t continue on seeking others to get information because they didn’t get what they wanted. They are professional involvees and think they know it all but gathering information, ruin all your relationships to create havoc for you and save their own face.
      Because I won’t react and standing my ground now by loving myself more, I’m apparently controlling. I’ve managed to acknowledge they never stop trying to find out info and the bystanders also involve themselves and have been used as puppets. They can no longer get to me via their own issues of trying to control everything.
      Going no contact is important even if they’re using others to get to you. If they think they have a right to make judgement and think they know your situation or you, they don’t. My views and how I handle this has changed and rising above the infantile behaviour of monitoring me via others defines who they are and has nothing to do with me.

Jo says February 19, 2015

I met many of theses people, amd its left me in massive fear. I even called the police and they were not interested, so my fears got worse and scared to go out, and its made me ill. I now heavily believe there words to the point im depressed.

    Kim Saeed says February 19, 2015

    Jo, I used to feel that way, too. It did seem that the police didn’t care, and I even got the response that the Ex could do whatever he wanted as long as he was on public property. It seemed I’d never get away from him.

    After making several phone calls to various courthouse departments, one lady finally told me to go to my local Domestic Violence center. I did. They gave me a court advocate who was very helpful in aiding me in filing a restraining order. I had enough phone records where he used to call me numerous times and I never answered. He’d also call late at night when my children and I were in bed. I printed out vicious emails he’d sent. I had proof that he’d stalked me online. With all of that, I was able to file a restraining order. In fact, I was so well-prepared I won pro-se against my Ex – and his attorney he brought to the hearing. (The court advocate helped me prepare, but she wasn’t allowed to represent me in court).

jo says February 18, 2015

You suggest blocking emails, but how? My email doesn’t have that option. Still hearing from my ex after 6 years with no response from me! It doesn’t happen often enough to be considered harrassment, but I just want it to stop. I hate being reminded of this toxic person.

    Kim Saeed says May 31, 2015

    Hi Jo, just seeing this comment you left earlier in the year, so I apologize for the delay in responding. My first suggestion would be for you to change your email address, as well as email provider. That’s what I had to do, and it’s also helped many of my clients.

    Wishing you all the very best!

    Christine says May 5, 2017

    If you are using gmail you can setup a filter to delete his emails. It isn’t a block or saying they are spam but effective.

    You could also get a second email account and forward only certain people. Maybe don’t give out the address if you can’t trust your friends.

nicole says January 9, 2015

I’ve been in an abusive relationship for about 10 years now we’ve been together for 13 years I’ve been through so much with this guy he’s done so much to me I’m 25 and have no friends I barely talk to my family and now I’m pregnant I’ve always wanted a baby I thought that after my ovary was taken out I wouldn’t be able to conceive buy 6 months later I found out I was pregnant I thought things would get better on Christmas eve he drug me around my house by my hair and choked me I feel horrible because I have no place to go no job because he didn’t want me to work and I have this innocent baby in my belly who deserves so much better I don’t know what to do I feel like I’ve got dummer and dummer through out the years now I can’t even provide for or protect my baby

    Kim Saeed says January 9, 2015

    Nicole, you need to go to the nearest domestic violence center and tell them this. You can protect your baby by leaving this guy. If you stay, he could possibly cause you to miscarry, or worse…harm your baby. Tell them you are in danger and they can help you and probably could help you with transitional housing. You need to do this at your earliest opportunity.

Jill says November 13, 2014

I am still in a relationship w/ my narcissist and I live with him. We have been together for at least 3 years straight and pretty on and off for a year before that. I live with him and I am trying to get financially stable and on my feet before I break up. I don’t have family or anyone to stay with and I have 2 children who live with me part time. I want to make sure I have a stable home so I am just working my hardest and getting my life together and getting away. I have left many times for a week or so, but he always convinces me that I was wrong or that he has changed. I am 99% sure he has cheated several times, just never caught him in the act, he always trys to convince me that I’m crazy and I fall for it, till something very weird happens again. This last time I can just feel how cold I’ve gotten, I am so worn out from it. I usually can still get some emotions for him at times, but I just don’t feel anything anymore. He can tell that I am distancing myself and that I’m cold and now I feel so guilty. He is acting so pathetic and sad, he says that he can just tell that I don’t love him. I still say I do because if I don’t he will put me out and as of now that is still my home. I just want to get everything together and move on but I feel very guilty and sad. I know he is just manipulating me and trying to get pity, I think? Is this normal for a narcissist, or can I be completely wrong and just be a cold person?

Sarah says November 6, 2014

My narci ex is driving me insane.
I have 3 kids to him and I’ve attempted wholeheartedly to zero contact with him.
Changed my number, blocked him on Facebook, he lives 300 ks away so I never have to see him unless he is picking up the kids, I stay inside, watch my kids from the door while he picks them up from the end of the drive way.
He is well and truly pissed that he can’t get to me, so much that he went to mediation to attempt to get my number, that’s how far this guy goes.
He didn’t get it, so now he is posting things on Facebook to make other people do the work for him. He makes it sound like I’m stopping him from speaking to his kids ( obviously untrue ) they call from my phone – my number is blocked.
They speak with him 2 to 3 times per week.
I am so frustrated, I feel like I am forever and ever defending myself and probing my innocence which obviously just makes me look more guilty to third parties.

He is getting to me, he knows he’s getting to me and I am working so hard not to let him.
My friend gave me beautiful advice and told me whenever he is trying to hurt you, hug one of my kids, fill myself up with love and don’t let the negative in.
It works, it really does.
But his annoyances are so frequent it is difficult to maintain this feeling all of the time.
Like now- I woke up at 4.30 am, stressing out because this week he posted on social media awful things about my partner and myself and now a common friend is doing him favours and passing messages on to me from the ex.
It’s fairly benign information, but confirmation for the ex that his stupid story of me refusing him contact with kids is getting through to people. ( untrue!! – the kids call him 2 to 3 times a week )
This is how much trouble he goes to, to create a story. A bullshit story.
I’m worried I’m going to suffer a heart attack or have other health implications from dealing with him.
It’s so fucking heart breaking.

Sarah says November 4, 2014

Just wondering why my ex (background info is he is a narcissist, bipolar and a psychopath) refuses to block me on Facebook? He hoovered me for about 4 days before deciding he had better on the line and discarded me again. I have asked him to block me as he claims I won’t leave him alone. He threatened to take a restraining order out on me (I made the mistake of threatening to disrupt his life this time because I was angry he’d tricked me a second time). He is pursuing other women- former narc sources- and has no interest in me. He blocked my number on his phone- so his other ladies wouldn’t see calls from me, yet ignores all requests to block me on fb. We aren’t friends on facebook, but there has been private messaging and we can see our basic info and profile pic. Just curious to know why he won’t take the final step and block me? I’m not interested in reconciling- & I imagine neither is he- just can’t figure out why he doesn’t block me? Want to know the psychology behind it. Thanks!

    Kim Saeed says November 4, 2014


    It’s because he knows he has you hooked, so he’s keeping you in the queue in the event he gets bored, needs an ego snack, and/or things don’t work out with the new “toys”.

    Have you thought about detaching and starting a new life?

      Sarah says November 5, 2014

      No, he doesn’t want me. I had a new life- it had been 2 years of no contact. What I’m curious to know is- this time around- I really went him. I threatened to demask him in both areas of his work (he is a private business owner and an educator). I’m not proud of this but I was emotionally derailed when I discovered he had 2 other women on the go as well as me. We fought verbally and physically. I threatened to ruin his career and his prize possession – his mid-life crisis fancy car. We work in the same industry so it’s inevitable I or my friends will encounter him. I made him so mad that he threatened to put a restraining order on me. Not my proudest moment I’ll admit, but I was trying to make him feel some of the pain and distress he inflicts on his victims. The pattern of this re-encounter went: I’ve missed you terribly, We have no relationship, we are just friends, I’ve blocked you on my phone and want nothing more to do with you- this took place over the course of a week. The speed of my discard- & the news that he’d rekindled a previous narc supply and was seeing her too- ticked me off and I wanted to make him accountable for once. Given the bad blood, the threats, the fact he mustn’t have considered me very useful after all given the speed of discard, he can’t believe I’d fall for his lies again? I thought he ignored the invitation to block me because it showed his level of contempt for me and that he didn’t consider me important enough to block. Does he really expect he can suck me back in for a third time? Seriously, would he even consider doing that after the fact I went utterly psycho on him and rattled him a bit? He will not respond to anything I send via private message asking him not to mention we’ve been in contact to the woman he is trying to Hoover back in- because he has & she’s been asking around now- as I’m ashamed I went near him again. I thought if you threatened and went full crazy on a narc- they would forever abandon you as a potential source of supply?

Debbie says October 29, 2014

just found this page. dated a guy for quite a while…saw a lot of the described above tho he started off as a very kind and considerate person….when my daughter died in May, he kept trying to get in touch thru my friends and wanted to come see me or go to funeral. I told my friends to tell him to stay away…after 2 weeks of messages from him (i had not spoken to him in 6 months) i agreed to see him 2 weeks after the funeral….the day started off nice but then he blamed me for my daughter’s death (she was an adult and not living with me) and wanted to know what i did to make her do “what” she did…it was a very tragic time for my family and i was very upset. his remark was so cruel that i asked him to take me home…he did but insisted on spending the night and i told him NO we were not having that tkype of relationship (this is after 6 months)….he left but kept calling and wanting to go out…I was busy with my daughter’s affairs and turned him down…..i was at an all time low at this point and finally told him he could contact me in a few weeks…he talked of going on trips, etc and i fianllly asked him what the hell he was doing? he then accused me of wanting all or nothing and said he and i would never live together…I had never asked to live with him nor spend my life with him and finally told him i would never live in his house or neighborhood….he left me alone all summer which was good, no contact and recently got in touch with a friend (my best friend) and told her how sorry he was and he knew he did not do right by me….also said he was in love with an old girlfriend (which he isn’t)p but that their relationship was friends and did not include sex…..she refused to talk to him about me and ended the conversation…..after reading t his i realized this guy is a psychopath and i want no contact at all with him….he wants to be freinds but when i offered only friendship back in january, he said we could not just be friends….he made comments about my appearance, my job, things to put me down and it worked to a certain degree….my self isteem is not very good right now but i am working on it and thankfully had enough sense to get away from him in January and again in May. I have been grieving for my daughter and don’t need this now or anytime in my life. my question is, will this type of person keept trying to get in touch with me? after reading this, i see how important the no contact rule is…i have removed him from my FB page…he and i know a lot of the same people but they all think he is crazy and felt that way before i ever went out with him… last email to him when i told him to leave me alone was that i had no respect for him and desired no friendship….opinions welcomed….i have ordered some books on this topic and have discussed this with my grief counselor. Thanks for reading.

Ronda says October 27, 2014

What do you do when you have faithfully blocked from all avenues, stuck to a strict No Contact policy and your ex is a computer hacker geek and finds his way through ( such as a newly created email address which you given no one). He won’t stop trying to communicate. I have been informed by trusted friends that he has started a public blog to express his hurt, anger, and “devotion”. I’ve stopped reading his emails weeks ago because I can’t stomach them and they make me doubt myself. I have been warned he is in my area. I am practicing situational awareness but am continuing to move forward with my life. I just want his desperate pleas to stop. I’m at a loss. He’s intelligent and skilled enough to find me no matter where I go in cyberspace. Any suggestions? Thank you.

John says September 7, 2014

They can’t let go and they won’t let go, to them you are there property.

Dan says September 3, 2014

My narcissist / psychopath spent three years trying to convince me that I was fat, ugly, paranoid, unreliable, talentless, and controlling. It took me a long time to realize that I was not fat, but she was. That I was not ugly, but she was. That I was not paranoid, but she was. That I was not unreliable, but she was. That I was not talentless, but she was. That I was not controlling, but she was.

She was fat. She was a cockeyed, flat chested, big nosed ugly. She was always paranoid that I was cheating or something. She rarely committed to anything, and never did anything she did commit to. She had no talents, no skills, no experience, no hobbies, and no life outside of me. And she could not stand that I did not share these faults, so she took every opportunity to bump me down a few notches, keep tabs on me at all times, control my relationships, even control what I was allowed to eat…!

One day, I told her I was done providing anything but the bare necessities for her and her family, including her kids and her disabled father. When she tried to guilt me, I told her to turn her words on herself and do something for herself and her family other than yelling at them and making them feel like a burden. After I refused to budge on this in two weeks, even after she threatened to “be a cunt all week unless” I caved in, she left me.

After a brief two week period of extreme shock and weakness, in which I tried to take it all back, met only with deliberate and callous punishment for daring to defy her, I realized just how much better my life was without her. It was blissful by comparison, in fact, and within a month, I was totally over her, asked her to leave me alone, blocked her on facebook, made my profiles private, stopped answering her calls, changed all the locks, changed all my passwords, took her off of all my accounts, etc.

It took her one month after that to start texting me with profuse apologies, trying to incite me to pity her, forgive her, etc, between begging me for access to Netflix, for money, to cosign things for her. So I told her I forgave her, but that there was no more room in my life for her, that her needs and problems were now her needs and problems alone, and I asked her again to stop contacting me. That was a month or two ago, and I have not acknowledged her existence ever since. I also asked all mutual friends NOT to relay anything about my life to her, not to indulge her in conversation about me, etc. Note that everyone who knew her had warned me beforehand that she was crazy, hostile, a liar, etc, but my arrogant ass thought I would be the one to change it.

Anyway, she is still at it. I think I will take your advice and automate the rejection process so I never even have to know she tried to contact me. That will make this so much easier. I am so done wasting my energy even thinking about her.

Shane Abel says August 12, 2014

This has been the scariest and most hurtful experience I’ve ever dealt personally with. The amount of abuse only escalates no matter how much you try to reason with the narcissist. Implement the no contact rule ASAP.

Frida says June 15, 2014

Can someone help? I broke up with a guy I had a fling with last year. At first he was lovely and full of complements we met on a course and continued the friendship on Facebook in may 2013. By Xmas 2013 we were meeting every week and he said he loved me. I didn’t love him but I liked him. He seemed fun and kind. Once January came he got colder with me, and I found out on Facebook he was in a new relationship with his female “best friend”. I was upset but I didn’t bear him any bad feelings I told him good luck and went no contact. Fast forward to now..he’s contacting me again After months of nc. Tells me he and she are no longer together. We met, and I told him straight that friends is all we can be. He seemed to understand but since then he’s been texting asking me for raunchy pics. I did send him them when we dated but I feel ashamed of what I did and don’t want to anymore. Ive changed and found faith and I don’t want to be cheapening myself. He told me the last time we met that I’d “changed and now I look older” it’s only been a few months…what do I do? I don’t want to hurt him but this cannot continue. Help!!

    Kim Saeed says June 16, 2014

    They really are pathetic…almost every one of them pulls the “You look older” card.

    Frida, it may feel uncomfortable to you, but don’t worry about “hurting” him. He seems to have some Narcissistic traits, and if that’s the case, he can’t be hurt, anyway. The only thing that will happen is that he’ll be forced to find new supply. Besides, he didn’t seem to mind hurting you when he suddenly started a relationship with the girl he claimed was his “best friend”.

    You are way above this guy’s league. The best thing you can do for yourself and your immediate future is just block his number. That’s the secret to getting this guy out of your life. Otherwise, if you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile, plus a huge chunk out of your life, self-esteem, and general happiness…

      Debbie says October 29, 2014

      mine did the same..told me i looked old and people woold come up to me and tell me how attractive i was and young looking…he hated it and said they were lying to my face just to be nice….what an idiot! i wear a size 0 or 2 and he kept on aobut my weight…i am 5 ft 4 inches so NOT fat and am active and work out….he is short and pudgy tho i never said anything to him about that…some projection going on here i think….NO CONTACT

    Debbie says October 29, 2014

    you can’t hurt this idiot….worry about oyourself and protect yourself….i was almost in the same boat…loved the guy and he said the same…it was all a game with him….

made58 says April 28, 2014

Reblogged this on MadeleineMaya.

Rachel says April 11, 2014

To Everyone- NEVER go back-I am two days out of an 8.5 year relationship with a nar/socio-the worse time of my life. I had come out of a marriage that had really weakened my self esteem when I met him in an online dating site. I was not eager to start dating again but he was so charming-words like “I don’t see why you haven’t been snatched up already, you are such a good catch, so beautiful”-we share the same profession. Finally after much talking we met and it was a whirlwind after that-which should have sent up all the red flags but I was already wounded and my heart said “finally, a strong, passionate man who will love me”-wrong!- after five dates and pushing hard for sex, -the first meeting in a public place resulted in pulling me close in, passionate kissing on the side walk-etc-we moved it along- that’s when the games started. We met in October, November was okay-but not great as he didn’t have time to see me for three weeks-he had his daughter every other weekend and “something came up”-then he made some time for me and we got together and he says “it feels really good when you are here, I am just afraid of messing up again”-music to the ears-until two days later when I get the call he “just wants to be friends”-I of course tell him where to get off-and then eight days later his grandmother dies and he “needs to see me”- compassion 101 kicks in and off I go- and he makes a comment it took me three years to find out what he meant- he says ” oh, I just can’t make up my mind”-and I am thinking he is coming around to realizing we should be together-he even comes down to my house and says things like “I am thinking really seriously of never letting anyone else touch me again but you”-sounds great-without boring anyone longer- his so called ex girlfriend was at his side at the funeral-and she happened to be my boss-she had been seeing him for five months-they broke up-he started seeing me-that “just friends” phone call was how he explained to her he loved her but couldn’t tell her so because of me-I was a detail “he had to take care of first”-we found this out at my three year mark with him because he slipped up and mentioned her name not realizing we work together and when we compared notes, he was trying to get her to go back out with him and we realized we were both at his house on the same day and both received the same flowers on Valentine’s etc- his explanation to me was ” I was seeing her and my first ex wife and I couldn’t make up my mind so I decided not to see anybody”- which is where he bashed into my life- notice there wasn’t any room for me in this equation-I assume I was an afterthought- he has two ex wives, 3 ex live in’s, several ex fiances- all of whom were supposedly bad to him-they all had the good sense to leave-good for them!- Over time, it was always dumping me or doing something really hateful to me-like dumping me thirty minutes before he is supposed to be at my house on my birthday and every Christmas he is hateful to me-there have been multiple other women. Each time, I have said some of the most awful things, thrown him out of my house etc-he waits until I am no longer mad and then it is a subtle contact-and he will need “my help” with something. This last and final breakup is because he is dating someone again that I work with-and she has no idea about me-but I know all about her-and when I confronted him about it- he says “my dating should have no effect on our friendship”-over time there has been the little comments to let you know you don’t measure up-my favorite was when we pulled up to the local shop and he says “well, at least when my friends see you they will say this one has some age to her as they are used to seeing me with young, pretty girls”- or “that’s Matt-he’s the guy that thinks you are beautiful”- said with a bit of a sneer so you know he doesn’t agree with that assessment. Mind you I am eight years younger than he is, with black hair to my waist!- The current one is 19 years younger than he is. There have been the trips I didn’t get invited on- the weekends he has disappeared and than reappeared on a Monday morning claiming he just drove to the coast by himself and “of course I told you before I left”(but didn’t answer his phone)- lipstick in the truck, lingerie tags in the bathroom-(to which he replied ” I don’t have anything to hide”)-the longer I have stayed and the more I have taken him back because he needed something, the worse the treatment has been-and yet, in his mind he is “so good to me” one big trick was to shut his phone off entirely when he is with another woman-so when he was at her house Wednesday, he left it in the truck so it would just keep ringing but wouldn’t sound shut off-unfortunately, I know him so well, all I have to do is walk into his house and I know when someone else has been there-finding her “love” card to him on the fridge sent me out the door two weeks ago(the ass asked me to get him a gatorade from the fridge and forgot to take it down-getting older he is making more mistakes like this-he used to be much more sharp and careful-and then he needed something-but he was at my house on Monday and her house on Wednesday and Thursday I told him where to go and what to do when he gets there-and he is furious with me for “minding about her”-I am sorry this is so long- I have just been reading blogs and stories and sending prayers to all of you and for myself- may I never go back to hell on earth!

    Kim Saeed says April 11, 2014

    Rachel, thank you for sharing your experience. Only through creating awareness can we hope to defend ourselves as a society against the toxic effects of these disordered people.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is go No Contact and try to forget you ever met this guy. He will not change, and you deserve to be happy, which will never happen as long as he’s in your life. Just make the choice, and stick to it. It takes about 4-8 weeks of No Contact for us to start seeing the benefits, but if you can get through the first two months, you will greatly lessen your chances of letting him back in, and heighten your chances of finding true happiness…Best wishes and let me know if you need guidance or a free consultation for No Contact coaching.

FireAndIce says April 6, 2014

Although the article is in reference to Narcissistic abuse in terms of an intimate relationship, I think it is very necessary and insightful for other Narcissistic relationships. My abusers were my mother and sister. Although I haven’t applied NC with my mother because of my dad and intellectually disabled brother who live with her, I have found NC with my sister to be absolutely beneficial.

I implemented NC with my sister in 2010 after a few failed attempts at doing so. She was one to always use her children as weapons. When I moved out of her home and into a motel (spending pretty much all I was earning on accommodation) she called me telling me that my brother-in-law had not “allowed her to do the grocery shopping so the kids were going hungry” but told me not to ask my brother-in-law as she didn’t want him to get angry that she had told me. I didn’t take any time to process the incredulity of that lie (my brother-in-law would do anything for his kids – well, I used to think so anyway… now I’m not entirely sure if he uses the kids as weapons too). All I heard was that my niece and nephew were going hungry. I immediately told her to pick me up so that I could do the grocery shopping for them – even when I was barely surviving on what was left of my wages (further financial abuse – which I didn’t recognise as such). She then asked me to move back a few days later and I did. Soon, everything went to hell in a hand basket again.

I finally left New Zealand in 2010. I maintain contact with my niece and nephew via Facebook. I guess she could still see what I’m up to, but I don’t give a damn anymore. Last October, she tried contacting me on FB saying that she missed our friendship and having me as a sister. All I thought of (and my husband concurred) is that she obviously found another use for me. I didn’t take the bait. She sent my husband a friend request. He’s his own person, and he accepted her request after asking me if that was ok. She sent him a private message stating that her kids wanted to spend some time with our kids and she wanted to visit us in Australia. She’d already used that lie to get us to New Zealand from Australia in the first place. There was no way I was going to allow her to sully my turf where I feel safe and protected most of the time (because of the PTSD, I still perceive threats where there are none and therefore still feel terrified). I had to harden my heart against the longings of wanting to see my niece and nephew, but I had to be strong for the ones who love me – my husband, kids and the wonderful family I inherited when I married my husband.

Thank you so much for the post. Truly insightful and inspiring.

MomBox says April 2, 2014

Very good information, thanks YET again KIm. My recent focus on no contact (in my situation, I guess it’s more “no response to anything beyond information about our kids”) is REALLY really helping me stay together and focused on my own life and my kids’ lives. I tried for too long to have the dream amicable divorce and coparenting situation that I believed he would have wanted for our children, to my personal detriment financially, emotionally, and physically. Took a few years to see the light. No contact. No contact. No contact. And that includes ignoring the concerns I’ve often had in the past of what people may think of me or how they might “judge” me. I remind myself now that they simply don’t know what I and my kids have and are going through. And you’re right, having one line of communication only and sticking to it has been very helpful so far…we use an online communication system (one of the few things my lawyer was able to establish, although he’s tried hard to get on and off this system too), and strictly business like/short to the point emails on my end. Congratulations on your book…will be looking for it.

    Kim Saeed says April 2, 2014

    That’s awesome! I am glad to know that No Contact is working out for you. It truly IS the only way to move on and recover, regardless of what people may think of your approach. Like you said, they don’t know what you know.

    Thanks for the Congrats 🙂

bethbyrnes says April 2, 2014

This was a hard one for me because I had so many connections in his family AND he owed/owes me/my family money. I have no desire to ever see or hear from him again, but I want to be made whole, money-wise. A dilemma!

    Kim Saeed says April 2, 2014

    That is indeed a dilemma, Beth. Luckily, you know enough about him to understand there are no genuine interactions where he is concerned…

    I hope you and your family are able to recoup what he took from you.

sweetmarie9619 says March 31, 2014

I do have to make a suggestion that if the Narcissist is extreme in trying to get you break no contact and knowingly uses people that you both regularly contact, there may be instances where you unfortunately have to sever ties from. The situation with my ex is a bit different than what I’ve read about in your blog (I am still unable to really figure out what to call him besides a monster, which, to be honest, is frightfully juvenile even if it IS true). However, there are people he would go to and relentlessly pump for information, so I had to sever contact with a few people I was really close to. I hope no one here has had to go to that extreme, but I needed to protect myself as well as the other people involved. He is very violent, and there is no telling what he would do if agitated enough. Thank you for the post Kim.

    Kim Saeed says April 1, 2014

    I agree, that could very well be the case for other people, even though they may not talk about it. Do you mind if I give you credit when I add it to the post? Or, I can just add it and not mention you, but I would love to if you are up for it 🙂

      sweetmarie9619 says April 1, 2014

      Sure you can mention me… and you can even use my name. People assume it’s Marie because of my wp id but it’s actually Amy. Marie is my middle name 🙂

      MomBox says April 2, 2014

      Oh wow. This is giving me chills. I established no contact/minimal responding to his email and otherwise manipulative behaviours several weeks ago (I responded below and then read sweetmarie’s comment after) and this has literally been the case for me. He started getting on a casual list to work at 3 places last month – all three of them I have very personal connections to.

        Kim Saeed says April 2, 2014

        I’m sure that’s no coincidence…unfortunately. Just stay strong and if he oversteps any boundaries, take the proper actions.

      Anonymous says July 18, 2015

      yur words is right

Anonymous says March 31, 2014

Just over a week since I left my xN for good. I went back so many times because I wasn’t 100% committed to no contact. What he told me to get me to return are all lies, they very quickly return to the same behaviour. I remember photos of women he’s apparently met that if I didn’t return, I would lose him to (BS), they can just download photos from dating sites. I remember the new car he stood beside, in honestly a pose now that I think back on and makes me laugh. No new car, he just drove it at the dealership. took a photo and sent it to me (BS) They will do anything to make you feel like they are having a great time, are wanted by many women etc etc. The first time I went back, I remember telling him he promised to marry me when I returned, he replied, “I would have said anything to get you to come back.” It took me quite a long time later to realise that he enjoyed duping me. I could imagine him thinking …Yep, got her back again. I do know that no matter what anyone said to me I wasn’t ready at the time , I did hide the fact that I had let him back into my life, due to the shame that I felt and that help was offered only if I did not go back and had no contact. The hold they have over you can override all emotional connections to family and friends and when you start keeping the truth from them, they have further isolated you. I felt so bad about lying to my family but I justified to myself that I was protecting them from him as it was my problem.
This time, after going back I guarantee you for only a weekend after 3 weeks of being away, he has cost me $5,000 from his vindictiveness, just this time. Thousands over three years. It’s like he was waiting to really get me. He did, quite horrifically physically. I really saw the devil for who he was and even though I’m struggling right now, with each day my heart and mind are feeling greater freedom and peace. The key for me that had him slinking away from me is to get to the point where I hurt him in the right place (his reputation, they thrive on secrecy)I always tried to maintain my ethical standards but for me this was the right way for me to go. No contact from him at all, he could play with my life all he wanted, loved destroying me when I was almost back on my feet. When my heart turned to stone with regards to him and I was prepared to meet him on his own terms, I believe he saw himself staring back at him for a moment, that is what I had come to. He literally ran. My emotions and heart were used against me.(This man physically abused me, caused me to stay in bed for 2 days after hospitalisation, I couldn’t move. He was so cocky he began blaming it on me. No affect from what has happened either! That was it! Complicated and the legal system letting me down, as to why he was allowed to come back to the premises) It was my weakness. My xN was not misunderstood, completely calculating, extremely self serving. For me I had to be very low before I finally realised, the earlier you remove yourself from them for good in every way, the better. I know from my own experience you have to be ready, or perhaps just exhausted with nothing more left to give.
I really hope I have shown going back is such a wrong choice, you may think you’re situations different and people don’t full understand because they don’t see the love you have together when it’s good.You might think you’re just so passionate about one another sometimes these intense times happen. I did to, until I woke up.
My heart goes out to everyone that’s still caught in that heartfelt struggle. I know how hard it is to break away.


    Kim Saeed says April 3, 2014

    Thank you for stopping by and sharing your story with us.

    I, too, didn’t take advice from my friends and family. I got to the point where I stopped talking about him because I knew I wouldn’t leave, no matter what anyone said about me, him, or the situation. It does often take us going to the lowest level of almost becoming nothing, which is akin to completely giving up our identity and any emotions or hope we have for the future. Just offering ourselves up to the abuse…

    Then, there is typically one final betrayal from their side that causes a shift inside of us and we decide we’re just not going to take it anymore. I wish I could reach people before it gets to that point because by then, years are wasted, money is gone, children are damaged, and there is usually harassment through the court system.

    Jessica says January 21, 2015

    Hi Vanessa,
    I would never reply to one of these things but after reading your post I feel like I’m not alone in this. Of course family and friends think your crazy so its so discouraging. However I feel I am ready now, at this point I’m just worried about his next step since I did cut communication completely. I know my ex is probably going crazy. What are your suggestions to keep him away? I have a restraining order however I already broke that when I seen him for the first time after the physical abuse. I’m sure he doesn’t take me serious anymore. I’m so mad at myself for going back to see him.

Teela Hart says March 31, 2014

I have nominated you for the peace and justice award.

Carrie Reimer says March 31, 2014

Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
No Contact – explained clearly and concisely.

Carrie Reimer says March 31, 2014

Kim, excellent post. I did everything wrong when I was with my ex N, that is part of why I started my blog, so others could learn from my mistakes. If I would have gone no contact one of the many times I left or he discarded me during the 10 years I rode that roller coaster I would not be afraid every time there is a knock at my door.
Breaking up and getting back together had become “just the way we were”, people don’t realize how dangerous these people (I use the term people for lack of a better word) are. The victim doesn’t understand they are dealing with a person without a conscience and by allowing any kind of contact is playing Russian roulette with the devil. You don’t want to taunt the devil because you don’t know when he is going to lose it and decide to kill you. Most domestic homicides happen just prior to or just after the breakup. Round and round and around we go when the psycho snaps no one knows.

    Kim Saeed says March 31, 2014

    Wow…thanks for the re-blog, Carrie! This is very much an honor as your blog is one of the first I referred to frequently when learning about Narcissism!

    I didn’t know about Narcissism when I was still with my Ex, but looking back, he must have invented the blueprint. He did it all: the devaluing, the silent treatments, followed by the Hoovering.

    He once fled the country and was remarried in less than two months. I was so trauma-bonded and brainwashed, I begged for him to come back.

    He was worse the second time around…

    Like you, I hope my blog helps others make sense of what they’re going through enough to give them the power to leave.

    Again, this means a lot…thank you 😀

Tela says March 31, 2014

Another great post Kim! And some very valid points. 🙂

Phill Ferreira says March 31, 2014

Reblogged this on The Story of my Twin Boys , Oliver and Oscar Ferreira and commented:
I hope my “friends” in Dubai read this ……

kimberlyharding says March 31, 2014

great informative post. Very direct things to do and not do, and to get out the fantasy that the psychopath cares about you.

silkred says March 31, 2014

So much of what is written about narcissism is done in the context of a relationship, but for me it is in the context of a shared group activity.

I am trying no contact but find it to be a challenge in the sense that to comply with strict no contact I would have to walk away from a sport I love very much.

The loser narcissist abuser takes part in this sport – it is his stage – I am a target because I made a joke youtube video that made fun of him – however so long ago now even referring about it makes me feel insane as I made it in what I understood was an accepted culture of teasing.

We have had a long time off from our sport as it is weather dependant and the weather has been rubbish – I made my first flights in mid march – within days of this the loser narcissist had reportedly poured over the entries in my log book blog – seen something he did not like and recruited his dullard sidekick friend to write to others in the club pointing out the from of words he disliked

After a period of nothing happening – and a growing sense of calm in my life as a result – this happening after a single flyable day was more than a little upsetting.

I however have not spoken directly to him about it – I have made comments to others that refer to aspects of flying that relate to him but only obliquely.

Its more than disappointing to feel sucked in again in this way – however – I have not read or even opened threads where I suspect he has made utterances – and told people i his group to stop writing to me where with them I have also deleted and never even scanned the email

I have to say that as this understanding sinks in that no contact means not even reading things he or his group write it is having a calming affect – I am not then left to ruminate on his forms of words that are ery often loaded with manipulative distortions of the truth

this no contact rule I have extended to all those around him – old friends who have chosen to alighn them selves with him I have let go of them – I am done with the lot of them…

but I am left determined to continue with the sport I love – I will just have to seek to be removed enough from them on the ground so as to be able to maintain calm inside me enough that when I take off and become a bird – my heart is light and my mind on the clouds where the magic lives….

your posting here has wisdom – it takes a while to understand how much…

thank you

    Kim Saeed says March 31, 2014

    Thanks for commenting, Silkred…haven’t heard from you in a while 🙂

    You are correct, I don’t normally write about Narcissism outside of romantic relationships. Mainly because I try to write what I know, which includes my relationship with my Ex and his sister. In hindsight, I probably met some Narc-types along the way, but I wasn’t aware enough of the situation other than some people were inconsistent and/or backstabbers.

    It shows your strength that you’ve realized the need to go NC with all of the people within the group. It’s true that NC does need to be extended to anyone who displays Narc-like behaviors so as to maintain our own sense of dignity and peace.

    Good for you that you can still keep your favorite sport. It’s a victory considering that the group would probably enjoy seeing you leave. In the end, that makes you the victor…

      silkred says March 31, 2014

      yes there is a strong sense inside me of a sort of stoic intransigence

      what was also surprising was surrendering the all the connected others – his sidekicks – and in particular my old friends who had identified with the loser narcissist and his being the local demigod

      letting them go actually felt really releasing – almost as if the conundrum of wishing to regain those friendships was in itself a weight

      it feels freeing – I am personally disappointed to have become entangled in this latest projected abuse – but its all a learning curve – I feel a lot stronger now than I did before

      that is the real victory

        Kim Saeed says March 31, 2014

        Excellent response and insight…

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