I Bargained with Life for a Penny
I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menialβs hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid.
~Jessie Belle Rittenhouse (1869β1948)
When I first read this poem, I realized that not only did it describe my life in general up to that point, but especially my marriage to a Narcissist.Β I spent a whole day reflecting on its words when it finally came to meβ¦
What I got from the Narcissist wasΒ what Iβd bargained forβ¦
Not to say I deserved the abuse.Β No one deserves that. But, the reality is that I did enable him to continue his unacceptable behaviors.Β I bargained for a penny when I accepted crumbs from the relationship.Β I worked and toiled for our marriage while he contributed the equivalent of one cent.Β Yet, I βbegged at evening, counting my scanting storeβ as I acknowledged this imbalance, yetΒ didnβt do anything to resolve it.Β Sure, I may have asked for equality, for respect, for loveβ¦but in the end, I accepted less than what I wanted and deserved – in ways that included the following:
- I didnβt establish healthy boundaries from the beginning, while I toed the line on the boundaries he set
- Though I was often angry at the injustice of my treatment, there werenβt any consequences for his behaviors because I always forgave him
- Iβd often cover up the things he said and did. Β I acknowledged his behaviors as selfish, but I was embarrassed for others to know that I was devaluing myself by accepting them
- I always caved into his demands after his silent treatments when he would be gone for sometimes weeks at the time
- I didnβt leave when evidence proved the relationship was toxic and he wouldnβt change. (I kept engaging in magical thinking)
- The time we separated, I went crawling back to him and begged him to come back.Β I didnβt know at the time that I was brainwashed and trauma bonded.Β In his mind, that meant I was willing to accept whatever behaviors he took part in…and I did
The Conditioning
Looking back, itβs easy to see what patterns kept repeating in the relationship.Β He made me feel devalued, worthless, and that no one else could possibly want me with all of my so-called βunacceptable flawsβ.Β And I subconsciously accepted this as truth.Β Not willfully, of course.Β It was due to his persistent and calculated planting of the seeds of doubt and humiliation.Β He carefully tended the sprouts of my fading self-esteem and lowered confidence until finally, he was rewarded with a harvest of my full-blown self-denial and sense of worthlessness.
The Bargaining
By the time Iβd reached the above-referenced point, my thoughts and motivations were mostly beyond my control because Iβd been conditioned and psychologically manipulatedΒ .Β However, I’d contributed to that state-of-being by sweeping his crimes under the rug in hopes that he would finally love me in the way I wanted.Β I didnβt realize it at the time, but I was bargaining for a penny.Β I exchanged my worth for his.
The Small Print
We all have our own reasons for deferring ourselves in order to gain love from someone.Β However, if Iβd been more aware of the economy of love, Iβd have insisted on a more equal supply and demand.Β Instead, I devalued my own worth so his could be inflatedβ¦
If you are in a one-sided relationship where you are taking part in these same behaviors, you, too, are bargaining for a penny.Β The βwagesβ of love should not keep you in the red.
Copyright Β© 2015 Β Kim Saeed. Β All Rights Reserved.
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