repel a narcissist

How We Attract the Narcissist Vibrationally

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A common theme regarding Narcissists is how they all behave the same.  They use the same brainwashing techniques, say the same hurtful things, and participate in the same sadistic behaviors.  It’s as though “Narcissism 101” is offered in universities all over the world.

What we often overlook is that we, as their victims, participate in our own behaviors, too.

Victims fall for the love-bombing, make excuses for the narcissist – allowing them to leave the relationship and come back whenever they please.  Many come to realize that their Narcissist has another lover, and somehow accept it.  When the relationship ends, victims all suffer the same torment, obsessive thoughts, and depression.

Narcissistic abuse victims do not by any means deserve what they get from the Narcissist.  I am not a Narc sympathizer.  I simply want to illustrate another dimension that keeps us hooked in their twisted, toxic game.

Narcissists and their victims share one thing in common.  They each look outside of themselves for validation.  The Narcissist needs someone to make him or her feel adored, superior, worthy, and in many cases, to provide everything the Narcissist needs such as money, property, resources, connections, food, care-taking, etc.  They’re needy, and they require someone to fulfill those needs.  They use lies, manipulation, control, brainwashing, projection, and other low-level tactics to feel validated.

Victims, on the other hand, are givers. They bend over backward to provide whatever their inner circle needs, whether it be the Narcissist or other people close to them.  They do it because they have a giving, caring, and loving nature.  They give and give to the point of their own detriment.  Victims do this because this is how they show their love, because their conscience rules their actions, and also to prove their worth and gain acceptance. 

Victims do not establish boundaries.   (Even if we do, we ultimately let them trample on those boundaries)  Almost all victims possess codependent traits, and our actions enable the Narcissist to continue their reign over us.

Vibrationally, the Narcissist emits “energetic waves” of neediness, while their victims emit “energetic waves” of wanting to fulfill others’ needs.  The Narcissist is a taker, their victims are givers.  Narcissists take from others to prove their worth, and Co-dependents give to others to prove their worth.  Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly.  But, as you see, they both look outside themselves for validation.

But, what does that look like vibrationally?  And what the heck does that mean, anyway?  I’ll explain it from a victim’s standpoint.  After all, it’s not likely that a Narcissist will ever read this post because they generally have no interest in changing (unless to manipulate, and even then, it’s temporary).

In most cases, victims grow up believing that love has elements of pain.  We believe this because that’s been our experience.  We may have had a tough childhood where we didn’t feel loved.  Perhaps many of the relationships we had during youth created within us low self-esteem.  We went through life looking outside of ourselves for our worth, and ultimately, we didn’t get it. 

Over the years, this became ingrained in our subconscious and became the energy that we harbor within ourselves.  And that’s the energy we send out vibrationally, and also why we keep attracting more of the same kind of relationships.

Basic codependent personality traits include the following:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Low confidence
  • Desperately seeks love and approval
  • Tries to prove they’re good enough to be loved
  • Worries whether other people love or like them
  • Looks for relationships to provide all their good feelings
  • Stays in relationships that don’t work
  • Tolerates abuse to keep people “loving” them
  • Feels trapped in relationships
  • Leaves bad relationships and forms new ones that don’t work out, either
  • Wonders if they will ever find love
  • Gradually increases their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do

On a personal level, I was an extreme co-dependent and that’s precisely why I stayed in a relationship with a Narcissist for eight years.   These behaviors kept me from forming a lasting relationship with the most important person in my life…myself.

If we don’t work on loving ourselves, and cease looking outside of ourselves for our worth, what good are we to anyone else?  If we don’t change our fundamental beliefs, we will never be a good partner, a good friend, a good parent, and so on because most or all of our actions come from a place of not feeling good enough.  Sure, we may think we’re being a good person by supplying people with everything they need, but ultimately we end up tired and resentful because no one is fulfilling our needs.

We cannot send out vibrations of feeling unworthy and unloved and expect to receive anything different from that.

That’s why it’s crucial that we work on raising our vibration (in addition to No Contact) in order to change our ingrained beliefs of not being worthy, to those of loving ourselves and realizing we are worthy…and that must come from inside.

Raising your vibration takes time, but if you work on it consistently, you will begin to notice your life changing for the better, your levels of joy will increase, you’ll find yourself no longer caring about others’ opinion of you, and your relationships will improve drastically.

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Jackie says November 15, 2016

It is so comforting to hear everyone’s stories, albeit, it is unbelievable what these narcs can do to good, loyal, honest women. I was with my narc for 10 years and we got married 5 months ago. He left me after 3 months of marriage – we had a beautiful wedding in Paris. Essentially, it was my own fault for totally blocking out and ignoring ALL of the red flags he showed me over the years. He wasn’t physically abusive, but he did name call, and he always projected what a perfect girlfriend/ lover should be like (I often felt like he was comparing me to his ex’s as he acted like he expected certain things because he got them before… he implies things without saying them so he doesn’t look like the jerk and I am left confused). Anyway, we got married and he acted like a total goof at our wedding, but he has such a huge personality (read: attention seeker) that many people just laugh it off and think he’s funny. Before we married, I left my own successful career path in order to move to 2 separate cities with him while he was transferred for work, becoming more successful in his own career and leaving me to either not work (which I hated) or to find lesser work that was not suited for me. He complained when I wasn’t working, but as soon as I did start to work, he complained even more because he was left to “sit around all day” waiting for me to come home!? I could never win. We had talked about children for years, even though he was hesitant I chalked it up to the usual nerves people get when thinking of becoming parents. We would talk endlessly about our children names, what schools they would go to, what their faces would look like. After we got married the plan was to move back to our home province, I would finally get back on track with my career now that his was established, and we would start trying for a baby ASAP. Well, 2 months ago I texted him in a playful way saying I would be ovulating this coming month and maybe we should start trying now. He pushed back, and said we should do more travelling (we travel a lot for pleasure), or we should wait to see how my sister’s baby “affects their lives” (she’s currently pregnant). After waiting years for him to finish 4 years of school, then moving to 2 different cities with the promise that we would finally settle down and expecting him to follow through with the plan we made… he essentially told me over text to move on, he wanted to “try something different”, and started to blame me for everything in our relationship over the past 10 years. He works 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, and this break up was happening all over text…! When he came home, I had to leave work early to actually catch him in person because I knew he would pack up and leave without even seeing me for a face to face conversation before ending our relationship. When I saw him at home I was in a daze, I tried to hold his hands so he could look at me and talk about this before he left. He kept turning away saying, “I can’t, you’re too pretty” and, “I can’t, I’ll lose my resolve (to leave)” (?!?!) One of his last texts to me was, “we were just friends, passion was gone, respect was gone, patience was gone… but I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you” (!!!!!!) He literally used every excuse to get out of our marriage, he said it wasn’t real, he said he was already talking to someone else before he even came home to talk to me. So, needless to say it’s been 2.5 months and I am just reeling over this. The thing that gets me is that when we first met, we were like 20 years old and he was this partying skater dude with no grasp on reality and no future plans (the “bad boy” in my eyes) and I was this super preppy academic girl who was on my university student council and held 2 other jobs while going to university full time. So…… this just feels like a huge slap in the face. I wish I would have known that he was capable of doing this back when he was working at a call centre and I had a very good job. He would come home crying and depressed because he couldn’t measure up to me, he would say. I should have dropped him then, when he was broke and desperate. But, that’s the things with these relationships… I would NEVER do that to someone I thought was my soulmate. He had no problem dropping me on my ass once he had everything and I had sacrificed everything. Sigh.

    Delsey says May 1, 2017

    My Narc (ex-Fiance)(We are in our mid 50’s, too mind you as well, so recovery has been hard on my health too as the older you get the harder Narc abuse can affect you) did the very similar thing to me a few weeks after moving into OUR house together. When we met he was new in town (Syracuse, NY) ,blue collar, new to the MeetUp groups I had belonged to for years, in some debt from coming out of lots of legal, criminal troubles in another state and living in small apartment having never owned a home but he was good looking, people smart, funny ,charming, etc etc and we hit it off. I am a successful Masters degree (SU) teacher and scientist and had big house in prestigious suburb but after selling it partly because of him , helping him recover and get rid of HEP C acquired from previous devious behaviors, learning and accompanying him on Scuba diving trips (I always had to pay my way) and then helping him in every aspect buy his first house ever (financially, doing all the legwork, paperwork, etc, etc) he blindsided me -all of a sudden suggesting I get off title and move out after just moving in!!, he took over my singles Meet UP groups and other social groups and “friends” with several women all fighting over him(learned who my friends were LOL), got a new better job that he finally liked all of a sudden and became Mr. Wonderful, Popular eventually finding his new victim-thinner, prettier (as he put it) and an interior designer (less boring and more status/money than a teacher for goodness sakes!!) while I’m struggling thru moving thru three lousy renting situations until I could buy a new smaller house of my own again all the while trying to maintain my teaching career ( a hard job in the best of times) But my new house is across the street from Narcs in MY former neighborhood that I found , not him, so I’ve been able to witness some Karma when HIS (the one he kicked me out of) flooded out twice this winter LOL!! Been worth it just to see THAT let me tell you. So many Narcs use their victims as “Stepping Stones” to get to where they need to go next on the ladder of success!!

david says September 27, 2016

I am with a wonderful woman who has had a succession of narcs and I find all your information and stories helpful to understand and help us as a couple,as she struggles still. Luckily I studied and graduated in psychology so I have come across many types of narcs.
I sent her this site too and all the topics and stories help her and I help her set her boundaries and any other times she has kind of flashbacks to previous abuse.
Keep the good work up and just to let you know it helps a good new partner as well as the ones who were at the hands of previous narcs.
Its a work on progress and some things I have helped her become nark no contact free.
Its a huge topic and so many out there! its a spot the non nark sometimes!!

Chio says March 28, 2015

I strongly believe in the vibrations Kim talks about and that still made me attractive to narcissist. I was married for 20 years. Got married young and since we started dated he was a controlling person that became a challenge for me to change one day. I consider myself a strong independent woman and i thought that I was going to change him. But I seriously couldn’t and I suffer a lot in this misbelieve . You can not change them and the more you tried the more you go downer to your knees until you start doubting about your real self. I walked on eggshells 24/7 and left my life aside to please him so he won’t apply the silent treatment that could last for weeks and that was extremely painful mostly when you have kids involved and the worst part is that I lived in fear most of the time because if things were not his way he will start to break down the house until we ended up with nothing hanging on walls and me trying to put things back together for no one else to notice my life was a mess. In front of people he will be the most loving husband to me but once people were gone he will make sure with actions that he was faking it. I never felt loved by him and when I asked him he will say that if did not love me he will not give me the financially secured life I had. My therapist always suggested me to leave him since he was an emotional abuser to me but i resisted it to believe it , at the end I felt I was stronger than that and I was going to win the battle. Tried everything from church to therapy to extreme manipulation from my side to make it work but was impossible and very damaging to myself. I felt trapped. To make story short I left him one day after 20 years of marriage and being faithful because I met prince charming, a very handsome guy that told me and showed me the best of life in short weeks of dating him. I still thank God for him because he helped me to leave my ex husband but after 9 months of relationship he stop being emotional with me and stop kissing, hugging and sex from one day to the other. Ended up that he hated his mother just like my ex husband and their childhood of the both men in my life were almost the same.. at the end they were both the same personality. I left prince charming after 5 months of waiting for him to go back to what he was. He will keep asking me to wait for him to overcome his mental issues but it was painful. I decided that I was not going to give away more years in these type of damaging relationships. its being painful but overcoming day by day. I agree that I need to work more on myself now and open my eyes and being more conscious about red flags from the beginning. Thank you for reading . Hope my story will help others to identify.

anonymous says January 10, 2015

Thank you all so much. I was going crazy for months trying to release myself from his grasp but could not do it until I started opening up and talking about what had been going on for months. Someone who had known him for quite some time told me he was a “stalker.” I did some research and found this blog. I was then acquainted with his last girlfriend who went through exactly what I was (and still am) going through. I went to the extent to file a restraining order but settled for a rule 11 agreement that he would stay away for 6 months. Now I almost regret not taking it before the judge, but he is so convincing and so twisted who knows what would have happened. Give him an inch and he will take a mile. He is now trying to destroy my social life by twisting stories and spreading rumors that I was abusive to him. When the restriction is up in May I know he will come back around and claim “his” friends and “his” places. He cannot make his own friends so he wants mine. He even lives in another city and will drive 150 miles a day to make my life a living hell. By opening up to others, taking legal action, blocking him entirely it has placed me in the position of target once again. I am usually confident and well connected but find myself almost paranoid about what he is saying and who he is contacting. Many of those who were supportive of me are sick of hearing about it. The ones closest to me who have heard about it for months, read the texts, the emails, saw the way he turned from sticky sweet to vile in a second, they will not budge, but they are few. I feel like I need to have a giant party with a big display screen to show everyone the things he had written to me and let everyone see the timeline of our relationship, but that seems over the top. Still very worried about what is to come and not sure how to deal.

Anonymous says November 24, 2014

after 44 yrs.. I’m hopelessly intwined with now his old age and tells me he gave 44 yrs too.. Elderly and lack of money…. Retired and together all the time with a NARC is truly a horrible way to live or die slowly.. I just realized I was with a NARC after retirement and help with a sister sending me articles of narcissists … So glad now I know… Also . Living with a narc….. Anything you say or do will and can be used against you by a narc…. Just saying…. Also.. Knowledge really is power dealing with this evil…. I’m fortunate to have any health left.. Don’t wait until life is almost over like I did…. They .. The narcs never change.. They get worse.. Get away if you can……

kathy says November 20, 2014

Kim, i found your site tonight through a link on pinterest of all places and i can’t believe there is a whole site dedicated to this topic. I only came to discover that i had been with a narcissist for over 25 years after we had split up and my lawyer suggested i seek the help of a women’s crisis service in our area. He said i was a victim of mental abuse. My therapist turned me onto a book that changed my life. For the first time ever i saw in black and white an accurate portrayal of what i had been through with the man i had been with since i was 17 years old. I finally realized i wasn’t crazy, there was proof of all the things i could never express or explain. True to form my narc started getting really abusive when i started standing up for myself in our marriage and questioning things. I started wanting to break out and do things that made me happy again and he could not stand it. I could go on forever with the tale of what i had endured with my narc, but this post is what is resonating with me now. Yes, i completely don’t care what he does anymore, but like what one woman said, the thought of having him lurking around the rest of my life is exhausting. I am so much healthier and happier having broken free, but i am still working very hard on me. All the things that you mention in this post, looking for validation through a relationship is the last lingering residue im trying to get rid of. Always hearing my exs words in my head, no one will ever love you, you’re worthless, you’ll always be alone, all of that is true unless i love myself first and not need a relationship to fix things or make me whole. I’m Berri much the person you describe in giving everything away in a relationship only to get hurt. This really hit a cord with me, i know i need to overcome this last hurdle to really truly be free of the shackles of having been with a narcissist. Thank you for this site, even five years out from my separation and divorce, i still have work to do.

    Kim Saeed says January 12, 2015

    Kathy, thank you so much for reading my blog and sharing your experiences.

    What’s helped me the most is: daily guided meditations, keeping my focus on uplifting things, appreciating my new life without oppression, knowing that the way my Ex treated me was because of who HE is and not because I deserved it in any way. I’ve also made lots of lifestyle changes. It really does take daily, conscious effort – almost like bootcamp – to get into a new frame of mind after being abused. But, it’s so worth it.

    Best wishes for your continued recovery…

Dawana Abbott Armentrout says November 19, 2014

I have asked myself why I am the one left behind in relationship for the one I love to just go on to someone else that they cheated with. In a round about way where I did not believe the last relationship that he was the narcists, he is. The one he cheated with was a supposed friend and his best friend yes, I am dumb and trusting people. She is a true narcists, so question would be what happens when two narcists join up? they con the nieve one and then end up together. NOW what will happen? last time they did that she almost killed him by not stepping up and I saw him a few weeks ago, and that is happening again. I do not believe I have low self esteem, other than I do want that love and companionship and am scared I will be alone. I did become more tolerant of his indiscretions, believing he loved me or he would have left me a long time ago. In his wacked way I still think he loves me, realistically I know I can not take him back again, or it will kill me taking care of him. I pray for him everyday to find that heart that I thought was there.

    loralei01 says November 20, 2014

    Kim, per Dawanna’s comment, I am also very curious about how it works when two Narcs end up together? My exnarc is now with a well known to all of our circle as a giant narc. A part of me would love to be a fly on the wall to see how tragically this ends, and I know it’s not nice, but I hope she inflicts the pain on him that he did on me, however, since they feel nothing, I’m not sure how this goes?

      kathy says November 20, 2014

      My narc hooked up with another narc about six months after we separated and the hell for that she lit under my narc to come after me was the beginning of a brutal attack against me and our children, his own flesh and blood. In the beginning it was pure hell, but over time it has gotten better as all the details of our divorce were finalized and he had nothing to come after me for anymore. He hooked up with her because she was a single mom, damsel in distress, if you will that narcs live for. He needed someone else to puff up his ego and take care of him. They were together for three years at least when i heard they split up, but recently i heard they are now back together. I can only imagine what he did to get back with her. I just sit back and laugh at the fool because she has to deal with him now. But she’s just as much a narc as he is and so they are perfect for each other.

        Deb says September 1, 2016

        Hi Kathy, what is the book your therapist recommended that changed your life?


tigerlilly34 says November 19, 2014

Hi kim, just curious what do you think happens when narcs meets a strong woman, with strong boundaries, that is not a co dependant ? Does that make narcs change for the better ?

    Kim Saeed says November 19, 2014

    Tigerlilly34, usually if a narc figures out someone is strong with strong boundaries, they drop them and go look for someone else that they can manipulate. However, I would recommend that anyone who thinks they might be involved with a narc to take a codependency quiz because many times someone thinks they have good boundaries and then it turns out they are highly codependent and didn’t know it. But, to answer your question, narcs will never change, especially not for the better. They can pretend to change for short stretches of time, but their true self always comes through.

    Cathy L Hennigan says December 20, 2017

    Absolutely not they just get mad and give up using other women even with husbands all in one group of so called friends to feed off of and be the wonderman of every woman there. all with the Shriners Masons etc. to look great to everyone. They hate a strong woman with a voice and an opinion so they get out cuz they emotionaly cannot take being stood up to it brings out extreme rage in them.

moonbelle98 says November 19, 2014

Reblogged this on Ruminations of a Revolutionist.

    Kim Saeed says November 19, 2014

    Thank you for the reblog <3

Anonymous says November 13, 2014

Thank you for the post, I currently was falling for men that were narcissistic and selfish and kept me lingering. I am cutting them off my social media and will be trusting of life and myself

    Kim Saeed says November 14, 2014

    Great plan, Anon. Going with our instinct is usually the best course of action. I hope you’ll be able to heal the parts within you that have caused dysfunction and pain for you. If you seem to attract these types of men, usually healing our inner child and recovering from codependency are good areas to explore. Best wishes for you as you move forward.

I survived it all and came out stronger says June 5, 2014

I too have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic husband whom i left 3 years ago. I am stronger now and I stand up to him when he comes around. He destoyed my self esteem and reduced me to nothing when I was with him. He wants me back now that I have worked through the mess he left me in. He abandoned me and discarded me so many times, most of the time for no reason at all then he would come back. What makes it hard is that there are kids involved and they adore him. He is not a father at all (in my opinion), he is a sperm donor and I dread the day my children grow up and see his true colours. I hated him but now, he just doesnt matter to me at all and when he turns on his charm I think he looks really stupid because I can see right through him. I pity his stupid selfish self, pardon the french but I wish he would stay away. If I am not beautiful, am dull, am stupid and I ll never be anything great without him, why does he still want me? If hec ant walk away from a stupid person like me, then he must be the one thats stupid and dumb. I am finally doing great things without him and I will not deviate from this path neither will I bend over backwards to accommodate his sorry a**. Bless you all.

Anna says January 30, 2014

I’ve just started my journey by leaving the narcissist in my life. So much on this site resonates with me. I am an INFJ and can feel the deep desire to have someone to take care of and just LOVE. That is probably actually a good thing, if there weren’t so many people out there willing to take and take. Thanks, Kim. I plan to keep reading.

    Kim Saeed says January 31, 2014

    Thank you, Anna. It’s comments like yours that give me the encouragement to keep going.

    isurviveddomesticabuse says February 26, 2014

    Anna, congratulations. I, too, found Kim’s blog and it took my confidence to a whoooooole new level. Best wishes on your new journey.

emergingfromthedarknight says January 27, 2014

Absolutely brilliant blog… so spot on. The narcissist sends us home to work on our issues. We attract them for exactly the reasons you said. Our healing is to work on self love and see how our co-dependency sets us up for a repeat of old pain. It is possible to break free and heal.

dianaiannarone says January 26, 2014

Another fabulous post Kim. You have a great way of capturing the reality of the situation and the feelings as well. As i read I always feel like you are speaking to the truth of all my experiences. Two things I might throw out there for your consideration. I think sometimes us targets actually have high Self-Confidence. That is what makes us useful to the predator, this is especially true with sociopathy, but I believe it also true for narcissism. We are the queen, but we don’t know it. We don’t see our power, but we have it. Our confidence as the get it done people we are is a tool for them, they know they can leverage us. If our self-esteem matched our confidence we would never give them the time of day! That is why going inside ourselves, as you said, and honoring our feelings and ourselves as beings (rather than just our doings) helps. The other thought is that sometimes we become targets when we have a recent event that made us vulnerable: a near death experience, a divorce, a death of someone we love…these deplorable folks want someone who is vulnerable and ripe for them…

I read every one of your posts. You really do an amazing job…I am sorry for your experiences! But I am thrilled you are able to articulate your wisdom and learning so well.

(Can I ask a technical question? When a post is updated vs published does it also send out an email? I hope not…I edited my last post on the difference between narcissists and sociopaths like 14 times! Yikes!)

armyofangels2013 says January 26, 2014

This post really resonated with me. I knew I had codependent tendencies, but until the discard, I thought I was doomed to forever be codependent…I had accepted it. No More! I am looking forward to following your journey through 2014… as I am on a similar journey.

    Kim Saeed says January 26, 2014

    Thank you very much for sharing that with me. It’s a difficult thing to change, but we can do it.

    I hope to publish posts in the near future regarding establishing boundaries and overcoming co-dependency. These concepts are the core of why we remain trapped in relationships with people who take advantage of us.

    Blessings to you and your journey 🙂

silkred says January 25, 2014

For me I had a great childhood, somewhat remote parents but many freedoms and a happy time, in fact while I reflect on a year where my life felt to have fallen apart I at the same time come to realise I made it to my mid forties with great fortune and few real problems.

Its from this lucky place that I find the continuing aftermath of having come to realise I have had a narcissist in my life feels completely surreal. I had no predispositions to cope, none.

The Narcissist who has had me efficiently excluded from my peers is actually on the surface a great guy, he is young, enthusiastic, he has energy and drive together with many of the freedoms we all wish for in our lives.

My mistake was to make a joke involving him, something I thought was funny inspired a spiralling series of attacks that have left me deeply depressed and excluded from the group of people we share a pastime with. They kind of crept up on me, manifesting as a sense that something was not right and ending up with this total exclusion that is accepted by my peers like its natural – good for all.

The details of all this conform so closely to what you could see as the average set of behaviours exhibited by a Narcissist that that in itself feels to be the joke – and is what I have come to find fascinating now that I have begun to learn about it and understand some of what has happened.

Your article cuts straight to that truth. However you are, once you are in their sights it seems to me that there is a well defined set of characteristics that come to define your new reality.

For me the knowledge that really there is no effective route back to how it was. Not in the course of normal life where you can fall out with someone, be angry, express your feelings and come to move forward. No, I see with some dispair that that is not possible with a Narcissist. My exclusion from this group is a new reality that to challenge and fight is only to pour fuel on his fire. Giving supply to his attacks and further disconcersions from my peers.

The notion that he will never back off, that I will be for ever in his sights, is exhausting to come to terms with – something I have yet to achieve. The best I can manage is to come to some accommodation within myself for his presence in my life and to in effect trust that some of the others might be there when I see them in person – he fully dominates the online world meaning that all that discourse is policed by him and that not one of the others breaks silence likely through some intuition that they then too might become a target.

This is powerful magic they cast upon us.

    Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

    Without knowing the full background, I will say that Narcissists latch onto people who represent something they will never be. Sometimes, this includes people who have no history of abuse. In fact, he is probably experiencing a sadistic pleasure at knowing he took someone confident and outgoing and made you feel like you’re feeling.

    It’s indeed a harsh transition when you are cut off from your social circle or even relatives because of the Narcissist. I, too, had to effectively turn away from all the people my Ex and I knew together, with the exception of one woman who I am now very good friends with…she is the only one that knows him for what he is.

    In some ways, it’s like starting from scratch, and it’s also an opportunity to see that the people you thought were your friends are probably shallow and you’re better off without them.

    I have a feeling you will experience growth from this. As painful as it is when it happens, these incidents often lead to our learning more about ourselves and seeing things within us and in the world that we were blind to beforehand. There is actually a gift in the curse.

      silkred says January 25, 2014

      I feel that too – in my attempt to protect myself from the darkness of depression I have come to be mindfully aware of just how with some compassion and humility even the most slight fleeting little thing can bring you a smile – I feel it here among people like you and in how among these comments we help each other to understand – that is a beautiful thing – it feels safe and nurturing these connections are valuable – and yes you are right – there is a feeling of rebirth around sensing how beautiful simple little things really are…

        Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

        That’s profound. I think you will be just fine…at the same time, I would enjoy it very much if you reach out whenever you’d like 🙂

          silkred says January 26, 2014

          I may sound stronger than I feel – but – that is a good thing yes – we can only try… this narcissistic stuff is very hard to have in your life – full stop.

    Sally says November 23, 2014

    silkred, i’ve had this experience too. i know exactly what you are talking about. if you possibly can, leave the situation. i finally did, and i felt much better within days, then weeks, and now it’s like a bad dream.

    what gets me is probably the same thing that gets you — that the others are all willing to go along with it, so that they too don’t become a target. how can we be dominated by such evil people, and why is everyone afraid? how is it that these people rise to the top, and manage to hide their true selves from anyone and everyone that counts? how? how? how? it’s just plain creepy.

      silkred says November 23, 2014

      It is creepy, but then we are wired up to enjoy social connectedness and they have it and we don’t.. Fear drives this on all levels. The narcissist acted in fear of my opinions, did not like it and acted via the Internet to make it so I could not have any. Even now if I make some comment that relates to these events my ‘friends’ will come and have a private word with me suggesting I don’t make comments like that.. As it upsets everyone. Other friends are getting so fed up talking about this or seeing that it’s still an issue for me that they are actually telling me, exhausted, just to move on… I do need to move on but I still want to fly my hang glider which means I have to find a way to accommodate the narcissist in my world and that is a nightmare.. Lately I realised however that the exclusion has in affect formalised the silencing of the utterances of not only the narcissist but all his dull little sidekicks.. In fact it was their utterances that inspired the original joke that started all this in the first place so I come to reframe it all as a good thing.. Something to be thankful for.. Re-framing in this way has started feeling good almost instantly.. In part because it’s a deep truth..

      So yes it is creepy.. Narcissism is to live in fear to one degree or another.. The behaviour of a narcissist is defined by their fear it infects everyone around them who can see, even those who can’t. But we are free from them and that is a gift worth celebrating.

Girl for Animal Liberation says January 25, 2014

Also, I grew up on an abusive home, with abusive parents, physically as well as mentally. My entire adult life, I have been in search of what I never had as a child.

    Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

    We share some common ground.

    I am going to spend all of 2014 raising my vibration more and manifesting the things I want from life. You may find the links to the other posts inside the article helpful.

    Many people believe “energy and vibration” and the Law of Attraction is hooey, but there is a lot of truth in it.

      Girl for Animal Liberation says January 25, 2014

      I agree — we have much in common.

      I have been following Dr. Wayne Dyer, reading his work, watching him on PBS and he is a big believer in manifesting your wants. I have done a lot of work after delving into his book: Wishes Fulfilled.

      I do not believe it to be “hooey” at all. Dr. Dyer says, “We do not attract what we want, we attract what we are.”

Girl for Animal Liberation says January 25, 2014

“In most cases, victims grow up believing that love has elements of pain. We believe this because that’s been our experience. We probably had a tough childhood where we didn’t feel loved. Perhaps all of the relationships we had during youth created within us low self-esteem. We went through life looking outside of ourselves for our worth, and ultimately, we didn’t get that. Over the years, this became ingrained in our subconscious, and became the energy that we harbored within ourselves. And that’s the energy we send out vibrationally, and also why we keep attracting more of the same kind of relationships.”

Once again, you ripped a page from my life. Thank you for this post because just last night I was bawling my eyes out wondering why I keep attracting such horrible men. This fear of attracting another horrible man is the reason I refuse to date and/or open myself up to a man since my divorce — and that was over 2 years ago!!!! I live in fear of attracting another pathological lying narcissist.

    Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

    I’ve done that, too…over and over. I jump into relationships thinking they’re the one that will erase the painful past, but it never happens because I have to work on myself…I have to learn to love myself and not give a damn about what men think of me. I have recovered greatly, but I still have some deep-rooted codependency issues to overcome. It does take time, but I have come to a point where I am learning more and more about myself and learning to love life and have a vision that doesn’t HAVE to include a man until I know I’ve found the right one for me.

      Girl for Animal Liberation says January 25, 2014

      I’m currently on that path. Last year, when I learned my Ex cheated and that was the reason for our divorce, I knew I had my work cut out for me. My journey has just begun but I am better now than I was in April of 2013 when I first learned the truth. I will say this, I am definitely at a point where I no longer feel I need a man to define me. That said, however, there are times when I miss the companionship of a man.

bethbyrnes says January 25, 2014

My post today speaks to exactly this point. I had a tough childhood with a hypercritical father for whom I was never good enough. I definitely see (and have seen in the past) that I go right out and find someone who has those same characteristics, and I even attract this in friends and relatives — especially my in-laws. Again, you have described the syndrome perfectly, Kim.

    Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

    Thank you, Beth. We both have done the same throughout our lives. it’s a big hill to climb, but it’s very possible to overcome these obstacles.

    There are many different methods of energy healing out there…I am going to train to be a Reiki healer and also a Law of Attraction practitioner this year. I hope to be able to help people overcome not only the emotional obstacles, but also the vibrational ones…

    Gonna check out your post now.


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