A common theme regarding Narcissists is how they all behave the same. They use the same brainwashing techniques, say the same hurtful things, and participate in the same sadistic behaviors. It’s as though “Narcissism 101” is offered in universities all over the world.
What we often overlook is that we, as their victims, participate in our own behaviors, too.
Victims fall for the love-bombing, make excuses for the narcissist – allowing them to leave the relationship and come back whenever they please. Many come to realize that their Narcissist has another lover, and somehow accept it. When the relationship ends, victims all suffer the same torment, obsessive thoughts, and depression.
Narcissistic abuse victims do not by any means deserve what they get from the Narcissist. I am not a Narc sympathizer. I simply want to illustrate another dimension that keeps us hooked in their twisted, toxic game.
Narcissists and their victims share one thing in common. They each look outside of themselves for validation. The Narcissist needs someone to make him or her feel adored, superior, worthy, and in many cases, to provide everything the Narcissist needs such as money, property, resources, connections, food, care-taking, etc. They’re needy, and they require someone to fulfill those needs. They use lies, manipulation, control, brainwashing, projection, and other low-level tactics to feel validated.
Victims, on the other hand, are givers. They bend over backward to provide whatever their inner circle needs, whether it be the Narcissist or other people close to them. They do it because they have a giving, caring, and loving nature. They give and give to the point of their own detriment. Victims do this because this is how they show their love, because their conscience rules their actions, and also to prove their worth and gain acceptance.
Victims do not establish boundaries. (Even if we do, we ultimately let them trample on those boundaries) Almost all victims possess codependent traits, and our actions enable the Narcissist to continue their reign over us.
Vibrationally, the Narcissist emits “energetic waves” of neediness, while their victims emit “energetic waves” of wanting to fulfill others’ needs. The Narcissist is a taker, their victims are givers. Narcissists take from others to prove their worth, and Co-dependents give to others to prove their worth. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. But, as you see, they both look outside themselves for validation.
But, what does that look like vibrationally? And what the heck does that mean, anyway? I’ll explain it from a victim’s standpoint. After all, it’s not likely that a Narcissist will ever read this post because they generally have no interest in changing (unless to manipulate, and even then, it’s temporary).
In most cases, victims grow up believing that love has elements of pain. We believe this because that’s been our experience. We may have had a tough childhood where we didn’t feel loved. Perhaps many of the relationships we had during youth created within us low self-esteem. We went through life looking outside of ourselves for our worth, and ultimately, we didn’t get it.
Over the years, this became ingrained in our subconscious and became the energy that we harbor within ourselves. And that’s the energy we send out vibrationally, and also why we keep attracting more of the same kind of relationships.
Basic codependent personality traits include the following:
- Low self-esteem
- Low confidence
- Desperately seeks love and approval
- Tries to prove they’re good enough to be loved
- Worries whether other people love or like them
- Looks for relationships to provide all their good feelings
- Stays in relationships that don’t work
- Tolerates abuse to keep people “loving” them
- Feels trapped in relationships
- Leaves bad relationships and forms new ones that don’t work out, either
- Wonders if they will ever find love
- Gradually increases their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do
On a personal level, I was an extreme co-dependent and that’s precisely why I stayed in a relationship with a Narcissist for eight years. These behaviors kept me from forming a lasting relationship with the most important person in my life…myself.
If we don’t work on loving ourselves, and cease looking outside of ourselves for our worth, what good are we to anyone else? If we don’t change our fundamental beliefs, we will never be a good partner, a good friend, a good parent, and so on because most or all of our actions come from a place of not feeling good enough. Sure, we may think we’re being a good person by supplying people with everything they need, but ultimately we end up tired and resentful because no one is fulfilling our needs.
We cannot send out vibrations of feeling unworthy and unloved and expect to receive anything different from that.
That’s why it’s crucial that we work on raising our vibration (in addition to No Contact) in order to change our ingrained beliefs of not being worthy, to those of loving ourselves and realizing we are worthy…and that must come from inside.
Raising your vibration takes time, but if you work on it consistently, you will begin to notice your life changing for the better, your levels of joy will increase, you’ll find yourself no longer caring about others’ opinion of you, and your relationships will improve drastically.
