My Narcissist Left Me…Will He Ever Come Back?

I met my N when we were 15 years old and separated at 19. So we reconnected now at 52 years old, everything was going fine until i didn’t let her treat me anyway and when i didnt she would block me from all contact even social media,she always wanted to go out on my expenses and never wanted to treat, so now she text me and said i am cheap and dont like the way i talk to her, i treat her great, she a friend that think i should look at her as my woman,so she blocked me on everything include her cell number, what should i do..sorry for long writing.

I need help…I have been involved with what I believe is a full blown narcissist. We are both married. We started off talking over the Internet for about 10 months. He asked for pictures and he sent some as well. He enjoyed sexting. During that time he would make plans to meet me and then never show. He always had excuses and I always fell for them. One day after taking enough abuse I deleted him for all contacts (or so I thought) he was hurt. We finally met up one week later.
Things progressed very quickly. He would get very annoyed with me if I could not meet him when he wanted. 6 weeks later we finally had sex…he disappeared. At first I was angry…then I was devastated. I texted him and contacted every chance I could. He did not respond. About 6 weeks later he came back…we worked things out and were together as much as we could possibly be…texting all day. It was overwhelming but wonderful as well. Then he had to go away for a weekend. I knew he was with his family so I left him alone…did not text him the entire time. He was not happy when he got back. He was cold and short tempered. He began pulling away, would hardly see me. Then a few months later he dumped me out of the blue, no warning…I didn’t see it coming. A few weeks later he wanted to see me. The craziness continued. The games went on for almost 4 years. During the down times…I would be devastated. Crying, depressed and unable to get out of bed at times. I was completely in love with this man…I fed his ego beyond what I could even believe. He was a god to me. Recently..
He was caught by his wife texting another woman!! She stayed. He asked me not to text him as his wife was watching him closely. I was beyond devastated. I know he was also having problems at work. Recently he told me not to text or email him…that he would explain soon. It’s been 3 weeks…I haven’t heard from him.
What do I do? Have I been discarded for good? This guy has been horrible…it’s been a total roller coaster ride…what is wrong with me? I get panic attacks when I think he will come back but I am devastated that he won’t…I am losing my mind. I take full responsibility for putting myself in this situation…but I was in love with this man before this whole thing started. It doesn’t make me right…I fell for him

Been with my narcissist 6 years. Married 4. Its funny how he was too good to be true in the beginning. Yet he always talked bad about every ex he had. They were crazy, and at the end he would just leave, and move back into his moms, where he played the victim, and mom could comfort him. He even had her trained, all his exes were nut jobs. None of the relationships he was in prior to me didnt last past a year and a half.
We got married at his insistance, I didnt understand why he and his mom were planning a shot gun wedding, minus the pregnancy. Literally a week and half to plan and invite people. We were married, even though the 3 days prior, I cried and kept asking are we making a mistake. Well apparently I didnt love him like he loved me, and no marriage we were done. I married him. And it all changed. Gone was the happy, funny, loving, caring man I had fallen in love. Even sexually I thought we were nsync. Little did I know the new phase he had been popping viagra, and as soon as we were married stopped. I felt like I wasnt attractive to him anymore, i would beg, plead, ask why he was ignoring me. I thought I was going crazy. He would bring something up, and I would say why didnt you tell me? He would insist he did. I started thinking I was losing my mind. I was walking on hot coals, afraid anything I did would make him mad. I have a great habit now of saying Im sorry for everything, it started with him, and i noticed i was saying it all the time. He made me think my family didnt care about me. He hated my sister, and if i talked to her he had issues. My sister hated him, she didnt want me to marry him. She saw right through him.I did everything for that man, jumped hoops it never was good enough.

2012, oct He was acting nice, saying I love you. 2 hour later he left me. Ignored me, drained our savings. He never paid any bills. For 4 months ai was a mess. I cried, coukdnt eat. I felt like my heart had been ripoed from my chest. He refused to answer my calls, or texts. He came back, and we could not talk about why he had left. It was swept under the rug. Now I was really on edge.

Oct 2013, he left again. Ignored me. Drained bank account. Took the car and truck. Refused to talk to me for 2 months, but this time during weekends, his phone would be off. But during week, he was coming over to gasp have sex with me. He never stayed. But i took what i could.i loved him fiercely. I found out when he was in shower, and his phone was shut off, I turned on. There was 5 missed texts from Nicole. I miss you baby, are you ever going to come over. I miss you, you never answer me during week. I asked him who it was, how he could do this to me. His reply, it was his cousins wife being silly. No it wasnt. She dumped him in Feb, and he had come back. He had dumped her because he realized how much he loved me. No, it wasnt the truth. She had msgd me on fb. She was 15 years older tgan me, 10 years older than him. She said he was a self serving, non communitive, narcissist and was done with him. She said she was sorry, she had thought he was divorced, and said I was a beautiful girl, and seemed smart. Get strong and leave him. He doesnt deserve anyone. I took him back. Again swept it all under the rug.

Oct 24,2015. He was getting in his miserable, ignoring moods. I had complied to everything. I didnt ask for sex, to talk about issues. My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. I would cry at random times, My dad had text me, bc he has no voice and wasnt feeling good. I was worries. I started crying. Never did he comfort me. But he said Im sick of hearing you cry about your dad. I hope he effin dies. At that moment, all the past and his behaviors bubbled to tge surface. I told him to leave. I wasnt just sad about my dad. I had given up on this fake man too. I hated when he was home. It has been 27 days. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I blocked all his numbers, blocked him on FB. I have not cried, I sleep the best I have in years. I am done. I deserve so much better. I have been reflective, I dont want to date obviously. I dont miss him. I am not consumed with what hes doing, if he is seeing someone, the fact that he is probably talking bad about me to his family, and that now I have joined tge ranks of the long line of discarded woman he left without a back glance.
I will never get closure with him. Its funny, he used to get mad bc I could see my exes out and we remained cordial. No animosity.

I am ovef him. But years of the emotional abuse has taken its toll. I have no self esteem left. I probably will be scared to ever date in the future bc i was lied to so bad. But I am taking this time, to work on me. I know I am capable of love, compassion, passion, and caring for others. I have not been myself in 6 years. I feel like the dark clouds are gone, and the sun is shining. Theres a skip to my step. I am alive. No contact, and blocking everything, and not even having the urge to contact him is a liberating feeling.

I know it can hurt, Ive felt that raw stabbed in the heart pain, you must go through the 5 stages of grief. Remember your worth. Take it day by day. Try to eat, if you can get boost, or breakfast essentials. Talk to a therapist, or your Dr, see if you can get an anti depressant, or tools to help you cope. It will hurt before it gets better. The first 2 times he left, i actually had to go to ER, get ivs, bc I had dehydrated myself. Pray to God, ask him to help you forgive him.

I know Im not alone, just remember you are worth so much more than this. Love is patient, love is kind. Not hurtful.
Be strong, my fellow narc lovers. Do something nice for yourself. Get dressed, do your hair, go for a walk.
Thank you for this article.

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MAN FOR 11 YEARS…AFTER DOING ALL THIS RESEARCH TO FIGURE OUT THE WHY’S I HAVE DECIDED THAT I BELIEVE HE IS A NARCISSIST. HE GREW UP IN A LARGE FAMILY OF 12, AND WAS LEFT TO FEND FOR HIMSELF. HE WAS ONLY SCHOOLED UP UNTIL 7 YEARS OF AGE AND WORKED WITH OLD FARMERS SINCE THAT AGE. HE HAS MADE A SUCCESS OF HIMSELF AND NOW HAS 2 BUSINESSES, SO I PRAISE HIS HARD WORK, BUT I FEEL THIS UPBRINGING HAS LEFT HIM WITH THIS PERSONALITY-

IT’S LIKE IT ALL SAYS…IT STARTED OUT AMAZING…FOR A FEW YEARS I WAS HIGH ON LIFE- HE WOULD BRING ME LITTLE PRESENTS, TAKE ME ON TRIPS, SPEND EVERY CHANCE HE COULD WITH ME. AT THIS TIME, HE WAS MARRIED, AND TOLD ME HIS WIFE HAD TAKEN HIS KIDS AND LEFT THE COUNTRY AND WERE IN THE PROCESS OF A DIVORCE…SO WHEN SHE CAME BACK TO TOWN A YEAR LATER AND CALLED ME ASKING IF I KNEW HE WAS MARRIED, I WAS SHOCKED.

THEY ENDED UP GETTING A DIVORCE, AND WE STAYED TOGETHER, BUT IT’S LIKE HE KEPT CHIPPING AWAY AT ME A BIT AT A TIME…HE THREW ME UNDER THE BUS WITH HIS WIFE AND KIDS, PUT ME AT THE FOREFRONT OF ALL THE BLAME, CARRIED A GRUDGE AGAINST ME(BEHIND THE SCENES) ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY HE “GAVE UP TO BE WITH ME”. I FELT GUILTY ABOUT THAT FOR YEARS, BUT THEN HE JUST WASN’T THERE FOR ME DURING TIMES OF MUCH EMOTIONAL NEED…I AM SO ASHAMED AND SAD ABOUT THE SITUATIONS…THAT I CANNOT REALLY SPEAK OF, BUT DURING A VERRY DIFFICULT TIME, I FOUND HIM IN THE BAR HAVING DRINKS, AND I WENT AND FOUND HIM UPSET, AND HE DID NOT FOLLOW ME OUT…JUST LET ME GO…THAT WAS YEARS AGO…TO FAST FORWARD, I ACCEPTED THAT HE LIKES TO HAVE TIME TO HIMSELF, SO HE GOES OUT WITH FRIENDS, TAKES HOLIDAYS WITH THEM OR BY HIMSELF, I DON’T GIVE HIM A HASSLE ABOUT ANYTHING…BUT ITS LIKE THIS- I WAS AFRAID IF I SAID ANYTHING OUT OF THE WAY TO MAKE HIM ANGRY HE WOULD LEAVE ME…

I GO BACK AND FORTH HERE, BUT 3 YEARS AGO I SAID THATS IT! I HAD ENOUGH, AND DID NOT GO WITH HIM FOR A WHOLE SUMMER..THAT WAS A HARD TIME IN MY LIFE, AS MY JOB SLOWED GREATLY AND I HAV 3 CHILDREN, AND I WAS BASICALLY BROKE FOR 2 YEARS. I GOT A JOB AT A LOCAL RETAILER AND STARTED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE…HE WOULD POP OVER PERIODICALLY OVER THAT 3 MONTH TIME PERIOD, BUT I KEPT SENDING HIM AWAY- FINALLY IN THE FALL I GAVE IN AND WE WENT OUT…WE WOULD THEN GET TOGETHER BIT BY BIT AND I THOUGHT WE WERE WORKING ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER…WELL, MONTHS LATER, ON VALENTINES DAY, HE TEXTED ME THAT HE WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN AND WHEN I WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE I FOUND ANOTHER WOMAN’SL NEGLIGE…I FLIPPED OUT…WORKED THAT ONE OUT AFTER I BEGGED AND BEGGED HIM TO GIVE ME A CHANCE…I BASICALLY LET HIM WALK ALL OVER ME FOR MONTHS, THEN FOUND OUT HE HAD MET HER FOR DINNER…I SAID IM DONE HERE….HE BEGGED ME AND PROMISED THAT IF I GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE LIFE WITH HIM WOULD BE GREAT-

SO OF COURSE, I DID…IT WAS UP AND DOWN FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS, UP UNTIL PRESENT TIME…I GIVE HIM SPACE, I DON’T GET ON HIS CASE ABOUT ANYTHING, HELP HIM PLAN TRIPS FOR HIM DURING THE WINTER MONTHS, WHEN I CAN’T GO BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK…STOPPED ASKING IF HE WOULD EVER LOOK AFTER ME WHERE I CAN SPEND THE TIME WITH HIM LIKE I WAS ABLE WHEN WE FIRST MET( BECAUSE MY JOB WAS MY OWN SCHEDULE, WHEREAS NOW I AM 9-5). THEN 2 WEEKS AGO I FOUND OUT HE ASKED ANOTHER WOMAN FOR HER PHONE NUMBER WHEN OUR OTHER FRIEND WENT TO THE BATHROOM- SO THE SNEAKINESS OF WAITING FOR THE FRIEND TO LEAVE SHOWS ME OF HIS INTENTIONS…THAT HE IS OUT THERE LOOKING AROUND FOR WHAT? JUST IN CASE?

I CALLED HIM OUT ON IT AND SAID I JUST CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE- HE SAID THERE IS NO HARM IN TALKING TO SOMEONE AND I WAS OVER REACTING. I SAID, IF YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP YOU DO NOT ASK ANOTHER WOMAN FOR HER PHONE NUMBER IN SECRET- THEN HE SAID HE NEEDED A BREAK.

I BROKE DOWN AND CALLED HIM 5 DAYS LATER IN THE MORNING AFTER WAKING UP FEELING OVERWHELMED AND OUT OF CONTROL- HE CAME OVER AND SPENT THE DAY WITH ME…SAID IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS HE HAD IN A LONG TIME, AND THAT I’M A “GREAT LADY”.

SO IT HAS BEEN 4 DAYS NOW SINCE AND I HAVE NOT CALLED OR ANYTHING. I FEEL I AM IN A DIFFERENT PLACE THIS TIME, BUT THE QUESTION STILL LIES…IS HE A NARCISSIST? DOES HE KNOW IT? AM I CRAZY? THE LOGICAL PART OF ME KNOWS HE IS NOT AWARE, AND JUST DOES FOR THE MOMENT…AND THAT THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, HE IS JUST INCAPABLE OF BEING A PERSON, BUT IT’S JUST THOSE SMALL GLIMPSES THAT WERE SO GREAT THAT KEPT ME IN THERE THINKING ONE DAY….

Your site has helped me so much..I am in the middle ifofn ugly divorce from my Narcissist. We were married 17 years. He has left me for a supply that is 23 years younger with 3 kids (we had none). We have considerable property and he of course thinks he should have it all. this all equals about half a million dollars abnd he just wants me to quit claim it all to him so he can ” move on with his life”. Nothing in life could have ever prepared me for this devastation. I have been virtually non functional since Halloween night when he called me and told me he wanted a divorce. He now lives with the OW and the kids in my brand new home in MT. I live in CA. I have had 2 hire attys and am running out of money fast! This is all so horrible.

Hi,

I am so glad I found this website. I am in my early twenties, and during my second year of college dated a narcissist. At the time, I was experiencing health issues and he often accompanied me to my appointments, emergency room appointments, etc. Then, eventually the verbal and emotional abuse started. I became withdrawn and isolated from my church, friends, and family. He even said “F$#^ your pastor” which I have never heard anyone use such obscene language to a man in the cloth. After a year of the abuse, I left and the recovery has been difficult. He obtained a peace order, and made it seem as though I was the abusive person and had tortured him. I learned so much and the recovery has been difficult. Sometimes, I feel angry he was able to lie to a judge and fake that he needed protection from me..when in fact it was the other way around. The constant yelling and screaming. I even found out he was lying to me about something that I found out through a close friend.

I have been in therapy and I am slowly but surely recovering from this. I just hate how he treated me and I over-invested into a dead end relationship. He couldn’t hold down a job, wasn’t enrolled in school like I was, military would’t re-admit him, just a lot of funky stuff that I couldn’t understand why a young man in his early twenties would be struggling with. He couldn’t even hold down small jobs like cashiering and working at Wendy’s. His anger was so explosive my health declined. I thank you for this blog and any feedback you are willing to provide.

XOXO

So sorry for all the typos. Should have said he asked me if I would be mad if he started seeing someone. Then I asked if he was, and he said no.

ANother thing is that he seems to have now convinced himself that he had been out of contact all fall. He said this to me and to others–when in fact we’d been very much in contact.

Hi Kim,

I’m just now realizing what has happened to me. I had an affair with someone. We were both in other relationships. He left his after a few months–because, he said, he had borderline personality disorder (!) and had forced upon him an unauthentic life as a conservative family man. It was rockets and roses between us. I’d released his true authentic self from the prison his wife had kept him in. He acknowledged that he’d allowed that to happen, partly because of trauma from a terrible, extremely abusive childhood. Well, I had a harder time leaving my partner, for a lot of reasons. He felt for a year and a half that he was chasing me and I was not allowing myself to be caught, when really I was agonizing about what the right thing was for me. He told me he’d have to find another woman one day, but that he could never open himself up like he had with me. We let things cool off between us, scaled back to friends, though we did end up making out the last time I saw him. He asked me to go home with him and I said no.

Fast forward one month: he asked if I would be mad. I said I would be sad but I would understand. Then I asked if he was seeing someone, and he said no. Then he stopped answering my emails for a few days. I asked if something was wrong. He replied, “Nothing’s wrong–just busy and happy in a new relationship.” Bam, like that. Now, I realize I’d given up my claim on him, but still, this seemed like a heartless way to handle things. There followed a few days of me trying to get him to talk on the phone, then he exploded in self-righteous rave. Somehow we left it on good terms, with each telling the other we wished each other happiness and that we were each other’s great loves and wanted to be friends always.

Then he blocked me for a month. During that time I realized how much he meant to me. I broke up with my boyfriend and wrote him a letter of apology for all the ways I’d hurt him (mainly not choosing him earlier) and asked him if he would consider trying again–a real relationship, committed, everything he’d begged me for.

That got a phone call from him. He said he’d worked hard to get over me–that he felt he was a different person and didn’t want to open himself up like that again. He said he could not consider me while he was in a new relationship, because he wants to be “honest.”

I told him the offer was still open–that he could make up his own mind whether he wanted to let the love of his life slip through his fingers. We were going to meanwhile have contact with “boundaries”–i.e. he didn’t want to be alone with me.

I know this all sounds crazy, but it made sense at the time.

Anyhow, he ignored my first friendly overture for several days. Then he agreed there was more to talk about. Then nothing for five days. Then he wrote to tell me about a dream he had–one concerning me. I wrote again that we needed to talk more. He said he’d get back to me with a time. Nothing for five days. I wrote with some suggested times. Nothing for a week.

Today he wrote to tell me he’s been afraid to talk to me, though he doesn’t know why. And that he’s in crisis over his job. He feels he lacks “internal objects” and seeks validation through work, accomplishments, responsibilities, so he’s in a state of trauma over his impending layoff. In other words, He’s telling ME he’s a narcissist! And yet doesn’t seem to make any connection between that and his treatment of me these past few months. No “I’m sorry for freezing you out,” no “how are you doing?” Just “I’ll check in again soon, or feel free to email me again.”

I don’t know if I have a question. I guess I was wondering if it sounds to you like I’m on the right track as far as what his problem is. I feel like maybe it’s an especially botched situation because he feels he chased me for years and I wouldn’t be caught. (Until now.)

I just found this website and wow oh wow did it hit home. Apparently I have been involved with a narcissist for the past 25 years. Just a sitting duck, poised and waiting for his eminent return. Will it be months? Will it be years? Will it be just when I have completely forgotten all about him? He always comes back. I believed that he was my one and only true love. He had other plans, and other women. But always came back to me. More so if I was married or had someone in my life. Then he was on like white on rice, begging me to be with him, saying he is the only one for me,etc. You all know the drill!! So 1 month ago I initiated the NC rule. So far so good – on his part. But for me I can’t stop thinking about him, fantasizing that he’ll come back for good this time. I so want to call him, text him, it is torture. I have been addicted to him for more than half my life. And now I wonder if I can ever be in a real relationship ever again. I don’t think I will ever stop missing his amazing kisses and hugs – telling me all the things i want to hear. Please…are there any tips and tricks to completely getting over this N for good? I am sadly missing him tonight. ugh…

If only I had known this before hand….my husband discarded me almost 2 years ago for his girlfriend. He kept making me feel like we would get back together but it never happened. So here I am still married to him with a baby that’s due in 5 days with 3 other kids by him. And his girlfriend has 4 kids of her own which he tries to treat are his just to annoy me and she has a baby on the way to. How did I get in this situation? Sometimes I wish I would just die……

I was with my now ex Narc for a little over a year. He is in prison and now felt the need to cut me off like a piece of trash. I couldnt go visit him during the time frame he wanted due to work and he told me I disrespected him since his friend bought my ticket. This is the email i get all my pictures etc were sent in the mail christmas week :
Look stop bothering my friends and me…i told you a long time ago about dissing me…it sucks but move on ..you’ll be alright
write to texas or whatever….just leave me alone this is the last message i’m going to send to you….don’t write because it
will not be opened only thrown away….stop calling the prison they won’t help…i really tried to make us work i did…
it was you that didn’t want to change….goodluck on your path of life—–michael—–

He knows all i do is work, home, him and blocked me from visits, emails and now mail. I am sad and hurt. I was here from him like a switch he said I love you next day leave me alone…

All these stories are so similar to mine. I just can’t believe it. My N broke up with me and of course it’s my fault because I am crazy a week ago. I should be jumping for joy right???? Why do I feel sad. Why do I feel the need to contact him? What did I do to deserve him to be ignoring me and not answering my calls.

Am I also a narcissist???? Because I’m the one who feels like I’m going crazy not hearing from him.

I was with my narcissist for 7 years and although he ALWAYS leaved me and came back he dumped me last night. Said he has a GIRLFRIEND! I had sex with him 4 days ago, he showered me with love texts all day long but now he told me he is happy with her, where did she ever came from? I wanted him to leave for so long being that I’m unable to leave him so why does it’s hurt so bad. Haven’t eat or sleep, him with her it’s all I can think about. Ugh I want the time to pass already cause my heart it’s ripped. Time hurry please!

Please remove this post showing email address!!!

Ruchariz,

Recovery and letting go takes a lot of commitment to self-work…taking up a hobby, trying the healing tools I’ve listed here on the site, energy healing, and even eating right.

If you’ve already spent a lot of time researching Narcissism to the point that you have a good understanding of it, I would recommend stopping the Narc research and instead use the time on your healing. What you feed your mind is what becomes habit and that’s why it takes survivors longer to heal sometimes, because they continue to focus on the Narcissist.

Best wishes for your healing,

Kim

What typically happens when a narcissist winds up with another narcissist? I know it’s not as common in women, but they do exist.

As I scour the internet trying to understand what the hell I’ve been going through the last 5 years, suspecting I was with a narcissist, I find blogs like this one and find that I was dead on with my suspicions and that so many of the things everyone is saying happened to them has happened to me. I am in love with a narcissist. Translation: an asshole. I should have seen the writing on the wall with the way he would brag about how he got out of past relationships, his marriage with his calculated, sucker-punch method that he did to his wife. Then he did the same exact thing to me. Now he’s got himself a new victim. His leaving me was the best thing for me, even though it doesn’t feel like it 8 months later. I have to erase him like he did me. Forget him like he did me. I look forward to the day I don’t even remember his name.

I feel like a lot of things suddenly make sense now. I never understood why he acted the way he did. I found out that he was cheating and lying throughout our whole relationship and somehow he has still managed to make the break up my fault, through something minuscule that I didn’t even do. This happened quite often, any time I brought up issues he made me feel crazy, any time he was guilty of anything he would start an argument to make things my fault. The truth is that I am addicted, I do want him back but now I know I don’t want to be that woman.

Hello Kim,

Your article is straight to the point. Thank you so much for the advice. I have been through a long term relationship and a short term with narcs. We seem to get so sucked up on someone so charming, who praises us and pleases us in a temporary sort of way. It’s amazing how they can provide all that and *poof* you hit the black wall from out of nowhere when they dumped you for no apparent bad reason and most would say “I don’t feel the same anymore/things doesn’t feel right anymore” in other words “they are bored and wanna have something new. It’s very sad but since the first one was 3 years, the 8 months recently wasn’t too bad. I believed that most of them go with younger, silly women who will only figure things out later. I have been a “victim” and it changed you as a whole person. The grief however overwhelming, it will pass and you have to learn tell yourself, you’re lucky to have escaped it and feel sorry for the next.

I feel sad reading these stories shared by others. Some of us are very strong and some who can’t simply cope easily. Truth is, time will heal. Find as much diversion as you can. Sing a karaoke with friends, go for a bike ride, take your kids to restaurant or Picnic and read comedy books, travel short to another city, clean the whole house, go to spa alone or with friends and ponder things over. Think about the bad than the good, cos we seem to hold on to the good when it was all act and nothing more but a bullcrap.

The best revenge is block all contacts and focus on yourself/family/good friends and find things that makes you happy. They always come back, but let them have a taste of their own medicine by ignoring them or wait for the next that might just have the balls to do the same to them.

Be strong ladies. You’re not alone. 🙂

Thank you so much for this site. When I was at my lowest, merely a hollow shell of the vibrant, charismatic woman, I used to be, on the verge of ending it all and feeling both unlovable and mentally I’ll, I turned to the web and discovered that I was nothing of the sort. At first I felt disbelief, then anger and finally, I acted on all those feelings that had spread like a cancer inside me turning me into a weak shadow of a woman. There was one advice that I kept getting everywhere. Leave, get out, don’t ever have contact again. For months I decided to believe that my relationship was different. That we would be able to move through the hardship and remain friends. I felt guilty for leaving him behind, because surely he needed me. It didn’t work. I allowed him back in my life and within weeks, he had destroyed all that was left. We all react differently. Some people disappear and suffer in silence. Others act out their anger. I am the latter. During the final stages of our time together, I went out of my way to make him suffer. Due to the fact that he never heard a thing I had said, he realized that he had no idea, who he was dealing with. For this reason, he was and still am unsure of what I am capable of. It is not advisable to seek revenge on a narcissist, but this man is so below me when it comes to iq and general knowledge that I am and always will be several steps ahead of him. Once I realised what he was, I hit back and I hit back hard. I told him he was a lousy lover, a loser, a person with no future and nothing to offer. I dismantled all his lies and replaced them with hard facts. I stamped around on his ego and ridiculed him to the point where he had no other choice than to shut me up using physical force. Even then, he failed miserably. I gave back and shocked him for life. I even shocked myself. I have never felt so much hate and victory in my life. I just wanted him to suffer. I was done being the victim. When I left him behind, he was the one looking like a loser and a victim. He knew it and I knew it. I cannot emphasize enough that my method was risky and possibly I’ll-advised. Regardless, that’s how I behaved.

Since then, he has contacted me several times. Unsuccessfully. I am aware that he is only trying to reestablish the bond so that he can remain catered for, sexed up and on top of the game. As time goes by, I recall things that I have previously denied. I have been thru all of it. The shame, self doubt, frustration. Now I tell myself that I am the one on top. I came out of it alive. He, however, is still the same friendless, uninteresting piece of shit that he always was. He will never have a good life. In that I find solace. That is my revenge. I don’t care what happens to him from here. There is not one iota of empathy or love left in me that wishes him well. Neither is there no longer a desire for revenge. I have realised that I just don’t care at all. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The person coming out in the light will be shattered and bruised, but you will prevail. But once you do, don’t feel sorry for the narcissist. And don’t feel sorry for yourself either. Be proud that you have moved on and don’t allow this history to define, who you are. Nobody with a normal balanced psyke is prepared for the evil that narcissism brings. That’s why it often takes us so long to react.

I am moving on with my life, looking better than I ever have and feeling as strong as I can remember. I just have to find out why I attracted this man in the first place so that it never happens again. Being a victim just doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t work for most of us. No contact, no remorse, no shame. You can’t explain crazy, so don’t try!
Good luck.

Thank you Kim! Here’s another part. He still has his sofa table here that goes with coffee table, end tables, and dining table. He made it sound like he was doing me a favor by leaving it here so I wouldn’t have to put my lamps on the floor (his words). Truthfully it’s probably because it won’t fit in his small house. He also has his daughters bikes here and some tools and a few items of clothing. I don’t want to see him nor do I not want him to be here if I’m not here. Thought about having a friend drop the stuff off at his house. He lives 45 min from my home. I have seen 2 lawyers. I was smart enough to have a prenup before getting married just because we were getting married so quickly after meeting. I had a 10 yr relationship before him but I ended it b/c I wanted a child and he didn’t. Another thing my husband promised and changed his mind on. Is it normal for a narcissist to want to move so quickly to get married? He really never raised his voice to me but seem to be OCD about how he liked things done. He said he tried to talk to me about things so I should have known he would leave. He never said if things don’t change I will leave. Also, why donu suppose he hasn’t filed yet? Is it because he doesn’t want to look like a bad guy or maybe pay the money? As stupid as i feel to say this, a part of me still loves him and not quite ready to file myself yet.

Kim- my relationship started as a whirlwind. We met online, dated 2 months, he moved into my place,2months later engaged,4 months later married. 8 months after we were married, he had an affair. We went to counseling and we started making it work. Looking back I think he would have left if he had somewhere to go. We were renting his house out and living in mine. He has 2 daughters, paying child support, health insurance etc. this was my first marriage at 42. I have a great career and make good money (more than him although he makes good money too). I helped with all expenses! He had to have the best airplane, the best motorcycle, etc…I’ve been described as in shape, attractive, smart woman. After 2 years, I started to notice it was all about him. I had to tell him no about purchasing other big items because we had college tuition to pay for, braces, etc….he blamed me for not being able to get what he wanted. I started to see he wouldn’t take responsibility or accountability for anything! When I started calling him out on things, he started pulling away and moved out. But he didn’t move out until just after we paid the first year of college tuition, child support was done, and we paid to fix up his house after the renters moved out. Which is where he over back to. The first 2 months, he would find reasons to come by-we would also have sex. One day I snuck in his phone and saw text between him and another woman. They had spent Easter weekend together which happened to be pour 5 year anniversary.. I brought it up and he said “I thought about calling you to go to dinner but then I thought about what a “censored” you have been and the bad boy took over”. It goes on and on. Well it’s been about 2 weeks that I haven’t seen or heard from him. It hurts like hell. I’m seeing a counselor weekly, going to work, working out etc…. I’m just waiting for this feeling of wanting him to pass. My friends can’t understand the emotional crap I’m going through. They keep telling me to file already. It’s been 3 months since he moved out. Just wanted to share my story and ask for suggestions for coping. Part of me wants him to try and come back so I can tell him where to go!

I too work with my ex narc. He too, is on meth. I don’t know who he is any longer. I have to see him every single day. Some days I hate him. Some days I feel sorry for him. And some days I want to beg for him to come back. His pure lack of care is scary. And yet…I still wonder what he’s up to. When will this yearning ever end?!?

Thank you for replying Kim
I now get help and so do one of my boys the other is older and I can’t make him see yet . All of us disregarded for another family . Every session with my theripist unfolds like a book . He was and is a text book narcissist . I have been in no contact now for 10weeks nothing I don’t answer calls blocked texts do not Facebook stalk (I don’t have fb myself which has been a huge help). I know after 23 years I’m co dependent and like a addict . I’m trying hard to do everything right but my question to you is … I still love him I still care it breaks my heart he is with another and did not choose me . He and the new woman consume my thoughts every minute of the day till I feel like I’m crazy. I understand what has happened to me and accept it I’m actually quite smart (although many wouldn’t think so ). I’ve often feel like ending my own life and all I want is for him to want me back . I don’t know what else I can do I’m doing all the right things yet still the hold on my thoughts and feelings is overwhelming . Please help !!!

Hi, I have been in a relationship for two years with someone who I suspect is a narcissist. I had no idea until he broke up with me for reasons he caused seemingly out of boredom, so I hit Google to try and explain the illogical behavior. I did nothing major wrong, maybe was a little dopey as I was tired, but his reaction now seems completely irrational. He hasn’t contacted me since and its the longest we’ve not been in contact since knowing him (though only four days). Because arguments like this happen more and more recently I don’t know if I should move on or just wait for him to come back at some point in the future because I really need closure, to be able to put a stop to the relationship and not worry about moving on just for him to come back.

I feel like its a real struggle for power, and I’m distraught whilst he is most likely coping ok because he thinks he can swoop in and get me back whenever he pleases. I don’t know what to do because I’ve just moved citys away from my social network, and my family never knew anything of him. (long story, his family wouldn’t have agreed with our relationship so he never told them, so neither did i).

I would appreciate some advice as I am finding it difficult to function

I was with my husband 23 years together 28 . Although we separated last year we remained friends . When he wanted slept together etc me thinking he wanted to reconcile . All the while on dating websites until he found a wealthy widow with a high profile job . I was left contemplating taking my own life the pain excruciating as I begged and pleading on the floor (yes you heard right ) to chose me and our family . To be told your making to much noise if you get any louder leave . Then happily skip of to her for dinner and a sleep over . I begged many times over many years as I was thrown away more times than I could ever count . We where emotionally and physically abused (we have children ) he blamed the oldest for everything till he finally left then worked on the youngest . It would constantly make me choose between the children or himself . He is now in the process of love bombing and this woman thinks she has found her soul mate and we are the nasty bitter ones . The pain has been so bad at times I have been in bed all day and unable to function . I am in no contact I ignore block delete . Told to move on he has . Yet contacted my best friend why you’ve moved on ?? Do you think they ever miss or think about their past loyal supply ?? When she dumps him will he then re surface to me ???

[…] Although I was flying blind at the time, Kim Saeed seems to reinforce what I know in the here and now: […]

I have to see him often at work. How do you deal with that?

I feel completely broken… It’s been two weeks since a we ended our relationship. I don’t want to believe he’s a narcissist but it’s become so obvious. We work in the same office and even though I hold it together well, I just want to fall apart.
I have convinced myself he’s moved on and just drive myself crazy thinking things in my head. When is this feeling going to end. I just want to move on but it’s so hard. I cry myself to sleep every night and at random times when I’m alone.

Thank god for this website which describes my ex, and the 12 years of hell i spent with him, to a tee. What I saw as his bullying/controling/domineering/abusive behaviour left me on the brink of suicide several times. He left me and our 3 young kids again a month ago when he came into some money (despite the fact I was having a miscarriage) and disappeared to family down the country to show off doing his Mr wonderful routine . With the help of your site I’m determined he won’t be back this time x

[…] common question that I receive from my readers. In fact, I answered a similar question in December here.  I wish I had good news for you because it seems you still have feelings for him, but the […]

This explains a lot. Its a hard truth to see they only wanted you when it was convenient for them. In the early stages my ex narc. warned me. He said. I’ll only fuck you up. And then at times he would show an awareness of the pain he caused. But in the end I was to blame. I read on one site that when they discard you its like a swot of the fly off a face. The recovery is hell. I know you’ve been there… And they plant so much doubt in your mind even years later I question. It is alarming how quickly they move on. In the end you mean nothing to them. The sooner you get that and move on the better..

Awesome post.

You just KEEP sending out these reminders to folk Kim – you ARE fantastic!
You have such an incredible way of hitting the point spot on that it is clear as a bell clanging above our heads – LOVE your writing style in these posts – ( but your stories are hecticly cool too…just a little reminder 😉 )

Oh yes, they move on but come back to you whenever they need a companion or are bored. As usual, Kim, you are right on the money.

Wow, thanks for that Kim…especially the last line.

You give me strength, Kim. I pledge not to be “that woman.” (Caveat: pledge not applicable under the influence of rum.) };-)>

Good post. Sometimes a sense of humour is a difficult thing to suppress. Do forgive me.