Kim Saeed

A Narcissist's Love Letter

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By John Howell

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience.

When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

About John

John is a novelist, writer, entrepreneur, and consultant, whose best consulting is focused on what he did that others should avoid.  You can find more of his work here on WordPress, at thoughtcatalog.com.


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6 comments
Ring says June 11, 2017

I wanted to add that earlier I was thinking more about that quote by Rabbi Abraham Twerski regarding that nucleus of dignity and kind of turned it in to something else.

For the [covert] narcissist, just maybe that nucleus of dignity simply boils down them avoiding having others watch them take a shit.

It makes me feel sad that I am becoming so cynical – but I guess at my age I am still overly naive and gullible.

And then I was thinking that narcissists are so self-absorbed that they don’t even realize that there ARE people in the world who have a built-in radar that can spot them a mile away – even the covert ones, which I am unfortunately dealing with. A really nasty, hateful one.

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Ring says March 17, 2017

“…..how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.”

That’s so deep.

What does one contemplate when one is on the verge of nothing left to lose. I’ve never been so close to murder.

As an INFJ, that’s just not what I’m about. Something just went “doink!” in my brain. I’ve been driven from the deepest compassion to hate. I’m sick. I’m physically sick and exhausted. My hair is falling out. I’ve never come so close to dying of a broken heart. I might.

I imagine the prisons are full of women who do commit murder. Or burn houses down, cut off penises, etc.

I have a favorite quote that I keep stashed in my documents folder by Rabbi Abraham Twerski:

“Within every individual exists a nucleus of dignity which no matter how deeply concealed exists obstinately.”

I just can’t make sense of it now, not in any respect with regard to this situation…..

…..well, I do have a really good therapist, and I only just disclosed all of this to her. But I think I waited too long. There’s my nucleus I guess. At least I finally said something.

When it comes to him, though, where does that nucleus lie? I feel sorry for him…..it makes me cry…..I don’t believe people with NPD are beyond help – that kind of attitude stops us from thinking and searching for answers; it’s what keeps us from progressing. They have brain abnormalities and it’s so sad…..

…..oh, man, I have never been so angry and heartbroken all at once…..it’s absolutely crushing.

Why??

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    Ring says March 20, 2017

    Well, having managed to regain some composure over the weekend, I have come to the realization that it isn’t my place to seek out answers – at least where he is concerned. There are experts who study these individuals. Maybe someday the cure will be something as simple as a skull-penetrating laser beam to the right region of the brain.

    I already know what he’s about; I spent a good amount of time reading articles on the site over the weekend as applies to what *I* need to do to start the healing process. It was an enormous help in putting things in perspective.

    I followed my therapist’s advice and I sent him a cease and desist email as he has been stalking me online.

    I have an appointment with her this afternoon.

    I actually did buy the Kindle version of How To Do No Contact Like A Boss from Amazon several months ago. I read it, but I guess I wasn’t hurting bad enough then to take action. But it wasn’t just that. There’s more to the story. I will re-read it though – and follow through. It’s time.

    Reply
    Kim Saeed says May 29, 2017

    Hi Ring, I hope you’ve been able to manage your inclinations. It’s a tight rope, for sure.

    In regards to your statement that you don’t believe people with NPD are beyond help, many people share the same outlook. But the fact remains that in order to help someone, they must want to be helped. They must be receptive to it. In my experience, narcissistic people simply don’t want to be helped because their manipulation of others accomplishes things rather well. Having no real empathy towards other people, they are totally indifferent to someone’s desire to help them and will use it to fulfill their self-centered agendas. Your compassion is quite literally lost on them.

    Wishing you all the best in your journey…

    Kim

    Reply
bethbyrnes says October 11, 2013

Goodness! Vivid images. Effective conveying this.

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    Kim Raya says October 11, 2013

    I know…the guy who wrote it captured it superbly. It has inspired me to attempt my own poem of sorts…I’ve only written one published poem, and that was over a year ago…Time to get the oil out 🙂

    Reply
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