July 7, 2013 – 8:25 a.m. – Our past can affect us in different ways, depending on our personality and the unique events that have caused pain. We find ways to cope, but for many, the pain kind of stays there, underneath the surface, ready to appear at the least expected moments. We become bound by our past so that living in the now can be a struggle. Some of us might be able to forget a painful event for long periods of time, only for it to be resurrected by a random trigger. Others stay stuck in a moment, ruminating over it, re-living it again and again.
One of my events is not spending enough time with my grandparents before they passed. I was under the controlling influence of a Narcissistic husband whom I would eventually leave. The fact that I was the only one not present when my grandmother departed has haunted me during the eight years since she passed. The day before she died, I spent a little time with her in the hospital. I was anxious and in a hurry to get back home because I didn’t want to upset my husband. I knew there’d be repercussions if I stayed gone too long. She looked at me with what I now know was the look of goodbye. She knew it was the last time I would see her. I wish I’d known it, too.
On the day of her funeral my ex, upon my returning home, called me a whore. That’s what Narcissists do. They catch you at your lowest and kick you while you’re down. Thus, not only was I not able to fully grieve the passing of my grandmother, I had to deal with someone who was supposed to love me being emotionally abusive. He desecrated many intimate moments.
Regarding my grandfather, I didn’t see him for months before he left this world. I had stopped going anywhere because each time I left the house, my ex would harass me by calling an obscene number of times, keeping track of my whereabouts, and accusing me of whoring around. I was completely cut off from not only my family and friends, but society as well. I’d basically given up on any idea of a normal life.
I lost valuable time with two of the most important people in my life because I let a toxic emotional predator brainwash me and control my actions. I cant’ seem to forgive myself for either of these events.
Today, I am going to hold a funeral for these occasions that have caused an immeasurable amount of suffering in my life. I share this because I think it will help me get past the pain, and also because it may be beneficial to some of you who read this to hold “funerals” for your own painful memories. I also think that by releasing pain of the past, I can apply the Law of Attraction in a more powerful way because I’ll hopefully be in a higher vibrational field. If there’s one flaw in the LOA, it’s that there isn’t a clear picture on dealing with hurts of the past.
9:31 a.m. – While writing this post, I stopped to write an apology to my grandparents. It was emotional. Through all these years, I’ve grieved not being there before they died, as well as the lost memories I’ll never have the chance to make with them. Regret is one of the hardest things to recover from. This apology letter will be buried today. I think I will go beside the river, tear it into little pieces, and drop it into the water’s cleansing currents. I’ve created a eulogy…as follows:
You’re a big part of me. In many ways, you’re just as much a part of me as the color of my eyes and skin. We’ve been together for a long time. You’ve influenced my moods, my decisions and my life. This is hard, but today I am saying goodbye.
I have to let you go so I can move on with my life. As close as we have been, the fact is, you are holding me back. I can’t really love, forgive, or be the best I can be unless I say goodbye to you. I lovingly release you, and thereby give myself permission to forgive myself so I can move on.
Keep in mind, I am saying goodbye to the event, not to the people involved. That is another matter, and may or may not be appropriate to your specific circumstances.
The time is now 10:15 a.m. I will update later today with the results of my ceremony.