Kim Saeed
narcissistic in-law

What to Do When You Have a Narcissistic In-Law

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You’re with an amazing spouse, and you’re generally happy with the state of your marriage…except for one thing. You have a narcissistic in-law, and they are driving you absolutely crazy! No matter what, they’re creating drama and generally making your life more difficult. 

Narcissistic relatives can be draining and frustrating for everyone involved. But things can get even more complicated when you’re dealing with your spouse’s family. Here’s what you need to know and how you can cope.

Signs of a Narcissistic In-Law 

Maybe you know something is off with your in-law, but you aren’t exactly sure if you’re overreacting (or if they’re just particularly difficult). As you might now, narcissism can be confusing, and it often manifests itself in different ways. Here are some clear signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist. 

Always Needing Attention 

Whether the attention is positive or negative, the narcissist absolutely needs to be in the spotlight. This need for attention is limitless. They will interrupt people, monopolize conversations, and even feign dramatic crises just to get people to listen to them. 

Exploiting Others

Narcissists care about their needs far more than they care about anyone else’s. Relationships, therefore, are purely transactional. They only seek to get close to people based on what others can provide for them. Therefore, you can expect exploitative behaviors like lying, exaggerating, minimizing, or even denying certain actions.

Extreme Mood Swings

Your in-law might be charming and friendly sometimes. But, you’ve learned that their emotions can change instantly. That’s because narcissists have incredibly vulnerable egos. Anytime something threatens that ego, they feel personally attacked. As a result, they become overly reactive.

Extreme mood swings can look like:

  • Completely withdrawing from the conversation or scene
  • Screaming, threatening, or projecting blame onto people
  • Crying and becoming inconsolable when others try to help
  • Responding passive-aggressively 

Constantly Fishing for Compliments

Narcissists want to be admired, and they make every effort to ensure that others provide them with praise. A steady stream of validation maintains their narcissistic supply.

Fishing for compliments can look like:

  • Outwardly boasting about their achievements 
  • Making self-deprecating comments (knowing that others will challenge them)
  • Humble-bragging 

Disregarding Your Needs

Narcissists will only care about your needs when your needs benefit them. There are very few exceptions to this rule. And so, you can expect the narcissist to continue denying, minimizing, or even downright making fun of your needs. If they don’t align with what they want, don’t expect them to care. 

How a Narcissistic In-Law Can Impact Your Marriage

There’s an old saying that says when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.

And when it comes to narcissists, this statement probably hits a little too close to home. You may not have asked for these parents, but you probably feel stuck with them. In addition, these relationships certainly matter, and research shows that 11% of couples cite their in-laws as a key factor in divorce. 

Your narcissistic in-law is likely to cause the most damage if your spouse is unable (or unwilling) to recognize the severity of their behavior. If they’re continuously defending their mom or dad, it’s going to cause problems. You’ll likely feel lonely, frustrated, and resentful if they don’t want to change the dynamic. 

How you set (or don’t set) limits can also define the quality of your marriage. If you avoid the issue or hope that it resolves on its own, you’re bound to feel disappointed. As you may know, narcissists don’t readily change their ways. This is especially true if they have no incentive to stop their outlandish behavior.

Finally, narcissists can cause serious ruptures if you have children. They often believe they’re entitled to participate in your parenting. As a result, they will frequently try to meddle, overrule you, or even “play favorites” with your children. 

How to Deal With a Narcissistic In-Law 

Life with a narcissist is never easy. And even if you want to cut ties altogether, doing so might not be practical. If your spouse wants to maintain a relationship with their parents, you will need to keep the following strategies in mind. 

Talk Directly to Your Spouse 

It’s one thing if your spouse recognizes the toxic behavior and addresses it effectively. It’s another thing if you’re stuck in this power struggle where your spouse stands up for their parent and takes their side in an argument.

The first step is patience. Discovering narcissism is painful, and even adult children often want

to protect their parents and give them the benefit of the doubt. Your spouse might not be fully ready to recognize the severity of the situation. Likewise, they may be so emotionally abused and gaslit that they only see themselves as having the problem.

However, it’s important that you identify the problems you notice. Be as specific as possible, and don’t shy away from expressing exactly how you feel.

Remember that your spouse might feel anxious, guilty, or upset about the possibility of being “stuck in the middle.” This is normal- they’ve spent their entire life trying to manage this impossible situation. Try to be as supportive as possible while also standing your ground. 

Collaborate on Boundaries

Narcissists are like toddlers who never grow up. They are self-centered, ego-driven, and focused only on meeting their own needs. Your narcissistic in-law has probably shown you that- time and time and time again.

Whether your narcissistic mother-in-law wants to spend every waking moment with your kids or your narcissistic father-in-law becomes explosive when things don’t go his way, setting limits is essential if you want to maintain any semblance of a functioning relationship.

And so, you and your spouse need to come together to decide which boundaries you two want to implement. Ideally, you should be a united front as much as possible. Because when narcissists assume they can triangulate themselves between others, they will. And they will happily pit people against each other just to get what they want.

Some clear boundaries might include.

  • “I will not tolerate your mother criticizing my parenting. If she does, I will leave the house immediately.”
  • “I will not spend time with your father alone. I am okay visiting with him as long as you are with me.”
  • “I only want to stay with your parents for two hours. If you want to stay longer, I will take a separate car.”

Define Clear Exit Strategies

Most people find that they need escape plans when dealing with narcissists. After all, things can escalate very quickly. And sometimes, it just no longer feels safe to be in the same room.

Having a plan of action can help. Whether it’s a code word you share with your spouse or a reminder you have for yourself, it’s important to know when to leave. 

Don’t feel the need to apologize. You are an adult, and you are allowed to limit your time with toxic people.

Anticipate Pushback

You can and should prepare for resistance anytime you set a limit. Narcissists are used to getting their way. When that doesn’t happen, they typically become enraged.

You can expect some of the following reactions: 

  • Trying to convince your spouse you’re the problem
  • Threatening to disown you or cut you off from the family
  • Making fun of your boundaries or acting like they are childish
  • Crying or becoming overly apologetic as a way to gain your sympathy
  • Pretending as if you never set a limit (and continuing to act in their usual ways)
  • Gossiping or trying to smear you to others

This pushback will be undoubtedly frustrating. But it has nothing to do with you. It’s simply how narcissists react when others stand up for themselves.

Stop Trying to Win

It can be so tempting to stoop down to the narcissist’s level. After all, if they get to scream, cry, or make idle threats, why shouldn’t you? If they get to cause all this drama, why shouldn’t you give them a taste of their own reality?

But here’s the thing: you can’t win a fight with a narcissist. That’s because you two are on entirely different playing fields. One playing field is rooted in reality, and the other is in a complete fantasy land. 

And believe it or not, they want you to compete with them. They want the battle, even if they’re pretending like they hate it. 

So, let go of the arguments and power struggles. Trying to win them is futile. 

Instead, try to focus on protecting your own integrity. If you have children, make sure that you are also looking after their best interests. Even if you feel “mean” or “selfish,” remember that those feelings are likely due to you feeling entangled with the narcissist’s agenda. In other words, their behavior triggers you to feel that way.

Final Thoughts

Coping with a narcissistic in-law requires insight, clear communication, and strict boundaries. If your spouse is on board with you, the work becomes much easier. If you two aren’t on the same page, it’s still essential that you take care of yourself. After all, nobody has the right to disrespect or harm you.


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8 comments
M says October 1, 2024

He also denied his father making the “don’t settle” comment (more than once)…despite the fact that we ALL sat there and heard it.
I told him it’s too bad that I have a good memory, so I recall a lot of things very well. I told him that his father is entitled to his ignorant opinions, but please don’t ever think that it can diminish my worth or value, because it won’t.

What bothers me is the attempt to gaslight…”no one said that, you’re imagining it, etc”. I’m not in the habit of telling lies about other people and their motives. Nor am I suffering from delusions.
So when I encounter denial of hurtful behaviors, I call that out too. Narcissists will try to control the narrative by insisting that you are wrong and crazy and that you’ve imagined things.
Don’t allow them to deny responsibility.

Also, my in-laws (and some of his older friends) watch TV shows like “The Bachelor”. I used to think it was just harmless entertainment, but they seem to think it’s some type of helpful guide for real-life relationships.
So they (in a way) try to undermine our marriage with their little hints and bad advice, almost like encouraging him to cheat on me, or acting like he could do way better than me.
And while I’m not perfect, I don’t deserve to have people trying to sabotage me or interfere with my life in a way that is destructive.

The other thing is that his father was often unfaithful to his mom and so I feel that they have “normalized” this somehow.
They also moved around a lot, so there was no sense of really being grounded (apart from maybe one place they lived at for several years).
I think this contributed to my husband not knowing how a truly loving and stable relationship/marriage works.
I came to realize (way too late) that for all their talk of “Christian” values, his parents failed to teach him things like honesty, loyalty, and keeping promises.

Prior to us meeting and marrying, he had a series of fairly short-lived relationships that went nowhere.
He was engaged to one woman (whom he claimed cheated on him) but they broke it off after 7 years together.
He apparently has a problem with giving women false hope, future faking, and stringing people along.
I think his parents have a lot to do with this. I think they expected to always be taken care of by their grown children, so anything that doesn’t fall in line with that (the possibility of grandchildren for example) was vetoed a long time ago.

The concept of “leave and cleave” is lost on these folks. Your children should have a healthy template for life, and for marriage.
Their daughter seems to avoid them for the most part now. And while their son (my husband) is kind and devoted to his parents, he hasn’t put the same effort into our marriage.
His job, his friends/coworkers, and his parents have always been the #1 priority. And I’ve come to realize that this suits him (and them) just fine…there is no intention of changing to make things right.

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M says August 28, 2024

I’ll also add that I don’t see my FIL as an “evil” type of narcissist (if that makes sense?) I see him as more of an insecure person who copes with his feelings by putting others down. More of a bully, if anything.

He is proof that older doesn’t always mean wiser or more mature. It’s sad because he does have times where he can be somewhat kind.
Too bad it’s not consistent. The last time we visited my in-laws, my husband decided we should leave early.
I think he was tired of his father putting him down with all the nasty comments. Our marriage hasn’t been great lately either, so we don’t need this additional strain of problems from his parents.

I wonder if this is why my husband and his sister have remained childless into their fifties.
I think with his sister, it was more because she discovered fertility issues at some point (not her fault)…but her marriage seems to be very happy. She seems to really enjoy life with her husband and has lots of friends.

In my husband’s case, I feel that there is very deep trauma, some of which is connected to his parents.
It created a type of narcissism in him to some extent also. I have seen (and experienced) generational systems of this myself, within my own family and elsewhere.
My husband literally becomes like a child when his father berates him. As complicated as my feelings are toward my husband now, it hurts me to see him being treated that way by his father.

He will slump his shoulders, hang his head and maybe utter a few words of protest…but it’s sad to see.
I feel compelled to defend him in moments like that. I also feel like this is why he never had children of his own or had truly normal relationships prior to meeting me. His parents (like mine) didn’t raise him in a stable, healthy way for the most part. He spent most of his childhood working to afford just the basics that his parents should have provided.

So while I don’t think my marriage will last the next few years (because of his behavior and possible infidelity) I do recognize the role his parents play in these dynamics.

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M says August 27, 2024

I see this mostly in my FIL (father in law)…some elements of it in MIL too, but hers is a bit more subtle than his.

Some examples of this behavior are his constant sarcasm (when it is completely uncalled for); his tendency to belittle others; looking down on others in terms of intelligence/knowledge and perceived social status or “class”.

The rest of the family is aware but there is little they can do about it. He has also made comments to my husband like “don’t settle” (WTF?)
All I can do is shake my head and smile, because they are not exactly the Royal Family themselves. So while I was initially hurt by the comment that being with me was somehow “settling”…I have to remember who I am and that my worth is determined by the content of my character, not what others think of me.

I will say that as victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse, we need to remember who we are, and hold ourselves with dignity in the face of ignorance.
I like what Kim says about the two different playing fields. With narcs, they are living in another realm where their views are always correct (wrong!) and any challenge to that is a threat. You can’t win against that type of dysfunctional mentality, so leave them to it.

My family of origin also has some narcissists in it too, so dealing with my in-laws adds another interesting dimension to all of this.

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Sandy says February 5, 2023

Narcissit inlaws cover up the abuse inflicted by your mate because they themselves are deep in it. I went thru Kim Saeed program it really opened my eyes. It gave me validation to what was happening to me. It inspired me to make a shirt. Because truely they are nothing short of demonic. If you have gone through it you know exactly what i mean. I pray for justice for all survivors

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Rita says December 4, 2022

Sometimes it’s the in-law spouse who is the narcissist and you are the sibling who sees what is going on, but can’t do or say anything as you watch your sibling becoming more and more isolated. No one who truly loves you will completely isolate you from those who also love you.

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Carla Corelli says May 28, 2022

Thought provoking post. I think that another factor that comes into play is the status of our spouse in the narcissistic family, as in – were they the scapegoat or the golden child? It is likely to be easier to extricate yourself from the in-laws clutches if your partner was the scapegoat, but much harder if he or she was the golden child. At the end of the day, of course, your advice makes sense in both cases, but if you are with a golden child then your strategies need to be “on steroids,” to quote another recent post of yours 🙂

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    Casey says August 10, 2022

    Carla,

    I completely agree with you about it being more difficult when your spouse is the golden child. In my case, my spouse was basically put up on a pedestal & could do no wrong. Never had consequences because his parents made excuses for his behavior, justified his behavior or blamed it on someone else. He was their precious baby boy and everything he did was great. All of his relationships that ended were of course, always the girls fault. Never his. His mother, especially, was all about her baby boy & she didn’t want to let him grow up & be “taken away” by some girl. She wanted to be his one and only. She seemed so nice and caring and welcoming at the beginning, but one day I got a taste of who she really was when the mask came off and ever since, she has done so many insidious, egregious things, it’s just insane. Their family dynamic feels very cult like and if you don’t go along with their narrative and try to speak the truth, they don’t want to hear it and will run a smear campaign on you, block you on social media, etc. They definitely are in denial about many things and are very delusional in their thinking. Anything to protect that public image they have built up. They will throw you under the bus in an instant, just to protect their image.

    Reply
Karen says April 30, 2022

Having a bad day it is our sons birthday on Tuesday no contact for two years. I am being honest I got annoyed not the same as anger but frustration upset with him because he was going along with the abuse she was dealing out to his family and sometimes joined in with this. I and others at that time did not know what we were dealing with. I needed help for me but neglected myself and my mind was on everything else. Doctor stated I sometimes do not except things my mind shuts off from upsetting situations to cope then when it opens it opens with depression. We miss him so much .

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