Narcissism Isn’t the Only Red Flag You Should Be Focused On

My stepfather fits #5…he wanted my mother all to himself, at all times. I was the unwanted child from her previous (failed) marriage.
She met my stepfather while I was still just a kid. It took no time before he started to mistreat me. At an early age, I knew what it was like to feel unsafe both at home AND at school, as well as in my wider community.

My mom was desperate to hold on to this abusive man no matter what. He mistreated her too…she stayed with him anyway.
I felt unwanted and unloved on an almost daily basis. His treatment of me became worse with every year that passed.
It came to a point where my mental health suffered more, and I made some unfortunate choices.

I tried to seek help…from counselors (who proved to be ineffective); from church (same); from others that I thought I could trust (wrong).
Nobody cared. They all blamed me for my abuse. They all said I was the problem. When everyone fails you, what happens? You look inward and blame yourself. You accept that maybe it’s all your fault.
You come to believe that you are unworthy, bad and that the world hates you. This is (after all) what people have told you since birth.

I would cry in my bedroom wanting to kill myself. My stepfather ruined my life, and my mother allowed it.
I believe she enabled it because she (deep down) agreed with him and what he was doing to me. As an adult, I struggle with so many things. I can’t seem to heal or pull myself together no matter what.

I married a man much older than myself who initially seemed like the answer to my prayers for love and stability.
I wanted a family, a home with children, happiness, a sense of belonging. That’s all I have ever dreamed of my whole life.
I never chased money or anything shallow. I just needed a real family and a cozy home that I could truly feel “at home” in.

Well, as it turns out, my husband is possibly a narc too…emotionally unavailable, distant, workaholic, addicted to hobbies that he won’t share with me, I’ve caught him lying, and he is also a possible cheater.
He’s done some shady things over the years but won’t admit it. I have to wonder why he married me because none of it makes sense.
I feel like because of how I was treated growing up, it “groomed” me to be in unhappy relationships and to never find real contentment in life.

All I’ve ever wanted is just simple things. My husband promised to love me, that we would have a nice family life…but it was never meant to be.
He filled me up with false hopes. But I can’t say it’s all his fault, because I wanted to believe it.
I came from such a toxic environment that it sounded so good, like nothing else I could imagine. Finally…somebody who cared about ME? Somebody who wanted to shower me with love and kindness? Somebody who could offer the possibility of happiness, a real future?

It was just a lie to hook me into a dead-end marriage with no way out. He lied because he knew my situation, and he thought of me as a stupid girl.
My in-laws have known (since day 1) that he married me under false pretenses. But his father implied that it’s my fault for falling prey to deception, and he accused me of trying to change his son (which I’ve never done). I feel foolish and helpless now. My background of abuse primed me to be in this situation.
He is not abusive in the physical sense, but more mental cruelty. He will often use the silent treatment and he is just not the person I thought he was. I also can’t abide lying or cheating, which he will not admit to, but I know that he has.

If anyone has taken the time to read this…thank you. I’m grateful because it was hard to talk about some things I’ve been dealing with.

Thank you Kim. This message was very informative and helpful.

All 5. I’m experiencing all 5. The last one, hit me the most. I’ve felt a disconnect but didn’t know why. I’ve dealt with different forms of abuse my whole life but this relationship has been indescribable….i thought I was losing my mind. And for the most part I figured I deserved it. But seeing now for the first time how much it’s taking from my little guy… That poor baby. He’s only 6. The bullshit stops today.
I wish I could afford your boot camp but your emails will be my life line. Thank you so much. You saved my life

Thank you for another very interesting article.
I’m very concerned about my child. I see that they began to copy my husband’s bad behaviour to me. I’m deeply saddened and worried.

I broke free from my tormentor in 2015, and I learned everything I needed to do it from Kim and her advice. Thanks, Kim! And now, if ever I begin a relationship, it’s on a three strikes, yer OUT basis. No one is EVER gonna get away with leaving me in tears on a regular basis, ever again.

It is crazy how I thought I fell for this person. Always has a sharp tongue, impatient with my ptsd, depression, anxiety. I have a lil boy who looks up to him. Sadly this is not a good or healthy role model in anyway. Was degrading women infront of my boy. Talks down about me when I am not around. Makes fun of my opinions or how I speak. Just an all around bully. Wasted 3 years soon four of my life for games empty words life everything. How I am so upset pissed ready to blow him up, for pretending to play house and being a dad to my son. We have over came so many hurdles between us. I am and have been making a lot of changes to be better healthy. Yet the sacrifice from me is still not done by him. Not willin to see he is losing us his home, family 4 years down the drain. For what he is to damn afraid to man up and see the benefits of learning. To have happiness pride changes healthy love n life future. But as the saying goes can’t teach an ol dog new tricks

The cycle. That’s how I know I’ve had enough and this relationship is not meant to be. Everytime you let them back into your life because they know exactly what words to say so that you will give them the benefit of the doubt…yet again, they show their appreciation by making you wish you hadn’t, leaving you more upset than ever, that you fell for their lies once again. I cannot reconnect because they only want what they can’t have. I guess if I want any type of closure then I will stay “wanted supply” that he may never EVER have again. By the time they find another form of supply to chase, I will have healed, thanks to Kim’s honest and truthful advice as well as others here sharing their stories. I pray everyone rises above the abuse. It’s not fair and we would not do this to others.

I suffered this in mirror image, for 15 years. I had no clue, the last several years i spent on a downward spiral, emotional outburts, manic episodes lasting months, nervous breakdowns, i thought there were 3 of them, in reality it was just one really big break from reality. I was lost, couldnt hold on a conversation, i walked in circles, lived in confusion. I had broken. I had the ephiany one day, it wasnt me. It wasnt me. So my breakdown was actually an awakening. Its been hell and he actually managed to erase me from my daughters life, she has no memory of me at
all she says. Today is her 16th birthday. Its been two years since i opened my eyes. The most painful two years of my life, but growth hurts. Realizing the part i played and becoming a wiser woman. Love to anyone going through this

I was just thinking about this and I am glad I found this post to serve as a reminder that I need to leave . COVID is slowing me down , He made my money unavailable, and I know if I walk out he won’t let me back in , so I’m playing it cool , until I have my money and A lawyer!

Kim Saeed, your work is so amazing. You walked the journey, so you know mine. I am very grateful for your help. The legal system needs to be educated and trained on how to identify and make judgements on crimes committed by narcissists, because they are certainly clue less.
I was taken from a live of high class to no class in the space of 3 short years and nothing to show for it but a life of regret and rebuilding.
How can that ever be right !!!
they say to forgive – NO.
they say forget revenge – NO.
Criminals that LOVE crime do not deserve the goodness of life.
I have PURPOSE.

Thank you, Kim. I found your blog last year(?) while doing a lot of research. I’ve been researching this for almost my entire last marriage. Whatever you are sending out via email right now is exactly what I need to hear. We circle, we cycle, we spin. It takes years for all of the work we have to put into healing. So, even when I know all these things are true, the way you have chosen your blog posts and the way your writing is changing recently is right on target with what I need to hear/remember/remind myself of. Thank you so much.

Cheaters for sure. I caught the idiot coming through a hedge near my house to find the back entrance into a girl’s house nearby. I didn’t realise it at the time, I thought he was so infatuated with me that he was checking up on me! I actually laugh out loud about it these days when I think about it. When you get their behaviour, you really get it. NOTHING is as it seems. Even after all this time, out of nowhere, another piece of the jigsaw suddenly falls into place.

My daughter’s ex-husband is a narcissist. My daughter became disabled with bipolar disorder during their marriage. They got divorced and he got full custody of the 3 minor children. He recently got remarried. At first everything seemed fine with his 2nd marriage. One of the reasons it was fine is that he made my daughter look insane to his new wife. He and his new wife talked about her adopting the kids and they had a “Mom Ceremony” so the kids would call her mom (never heard of such a thing). My daughter is doing very well. She is great when with the kids and never talks negatively about their dad. Recently, her ex must have been in his low self-esteem stage. He lost his job. After this, he said he thought he had COVID and stayed alone in the bedroom for about 10 days. I knew he was faking. When tested, he was negative. His new wife almost had a nervous breakdown because she had to do everything. She was getting little sleep. She told the kids she felt like she was going to have a heart attack and they would probably be glad if she did. After he came out of his “COVID” room, she was so stressed that she stayed with her parents for 2 nights. Then, he got his reward. Her parents took their daughter and him on a Mississippi Cruise. Now, he is going to be a real estate agent (worse job for him). He doesn’t like people and doesn’t like taking orders. At this time, he is still in his “high” stage – he hasn’t started his job yet. His new abuse strategy is getting the three children to feel embarrassed about their mom’s disability. My daughter is upset, but is keeping quiet. He is trying to manipulate all 3 children and his new wife is going along with this. I believe this is called narcissistic parental alienation. My husband and I, grandparents, have a wonderful relationship with our grandchildren (even though 4 hours away). We do not think it would be healthy to intervene about his new abuse. If we do, we will be punished and he won’t let us see the kids. This whole situation is very sick and he is secretly abusing many people. I caught on to him after the divorce. I accidentally read about narcissists and the light turned on. He is the example of a true narcissist. It is very difficult to deal with him and what to do to diffuse him. The only thing we can do is keep in contact with the children. Many times, he interferes with phone conversations and makes them put us on speakerphone. It seems almost every time we call, the grand kids either have to go to bed or eat supper. These times are always so drastic and coincide with our phone calls. My daughter, us, and others in our family only care about the kids welfare and do not want to stir anything up for them. This is a very difficult situation and so hard to stop him from this behavior.

Mine was the best cudler ever…. But he ghosted, he triangulated me with younger women and he cheated. I cought them almost in the act…in his boat on the harbor. After seven cycles I was a biochemical chaos and totally devastated. Trying to build myself up now, and still missing ‘some of the persons’ that he was.

I never caught my husband cheating, but, from the beginning I did notice him looking at my friends up and down. He always said I was cheating. I was wondering if statistics show that he was most likely cheating. I always knew that he knew I wasn’t cheating so I assumed he was putting attention on me doing it. He even made my kids think I was.

After reading this, I was shocked to see how all of the three, and yes, I mean three, toxic relationships did almost all of the five listed traits. The one which I did have boundaries on and saved me each time was the dislike of my children. I thought for a long time; I was being selfish or spoiling my sons as I was told this so much. But after reading this, I now know loving and protecting my children was what saved me from a life of complete grief.

Kim, I absolutely agree with this. One of mind tricks they pull is in the early stages, when the cracks are beginning to show, and when they are testing your dedication to their abuse. They’ll do something awful, like seriously flirt with someone, right front of you, and even be bold enough to ask for her number, right in front of you, and then tell you none of it happened, it was all in your head, it wasn’t as bad as you say, you’re too sensitive and jealous, etc. You tell yourself they are right, ask yourself what’s the matter with you, and then resolve to be a better person. He’s a catch, after all, and you could lose him if you don’t change.

I wish I had been strong enough to stop it right there. I wish i had come across someone like you back then. I would have run for my life. That is the hope of your articles. Anyone who isn’t quite hooked in yet can use the education you offer to make better decisions before their life is ruined. Love isn’t always easy. Relationships take work. But they should never ever ever wound you by slicing like a razor to your soul. If anyone nicks you like that once, don’t stick around.