The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend – The Art of Triangulation

My ex narc had his new GF find out that he was still having sex with his ex, which is me. I do not know for sure if he is back with her or not. He is still trying to get back with me, just being friends and I refused which makes him angry. I told him to stay with new GF. Is this just a game or has she left him and that is why he wants me?

I caught my husband with a young girl half of his age, I caught him kissing this girl, Little did I know that they have being dating for 3 months. I could not afford to lose my marriage all because of some little trash. we had being married for over a decade. I met a sango priestess in los angeles when I went to see my mom. this powerful witch did a spell for me that made my husband confess to what he has been doing for the past three months. He told me kneeling and crying remorsefully. He told me how the little girl has being lavishing our money for shopping and rubbish.

I’m a canada woman who wants her husband back home, he treated me badly and now I mis him and want him back after separation. How can I get help on canada forums too get ex back.

7 years and 5 kids. And this man left us during a hardship. For another woman he had been seeing I guess for 2 years now and her family.. He demands sex and gets mad when I get my period. He wants me talking to no man. That woman can do whatever and he listens to her. Am I just stupid. I just have locked him because he went to see his mom with her. I or our kids have met his mom yet. He hasn’t come back yet.his do you think he will just stay gone after this last disrespectful show?

I’ve been with a man, I think might be a narcissist. All the signs are there. It’s been 7 years 5 kids with him. Then the past 4 months we went through some hardships and he just disappeared 1 day. No warning. Come to find out he moved into another woman’s house, and even more heartbreaking he has been seeing her for 2 years. That hurt. He came back made me think I had a chance for him to get rid of her for good. Then after a week left with his clothes, I never met this man’s family and he proposed to me. She took him this weekend to see his mom and spend the weekend there. Wow my kids haven’t even met her. He keeps tabs on me, texting me when she at work telling me he loves me she isn’t nothing to him. Yells about guys on my social media, checks my phone history and texts, pops up whenever demanding sex because he says this woman sucks in bed. Then got mad I got my period. Is this abuse? I finally just blocked him from everything and I’m moving in a few weeks. Do you think he will just stay with her? Or should I ask the family courts to have a order? Advice plz

My ex is also with a friend of mine. I hate to see her go thru what I did, but she did have an affair with him whe we were married. Adios to them both.

[…] progressed, I didn’t realize at the time I was being conditioned and groomed. He started triangulating very early on in the relationship, and I had never really experienced that before. I had never […]

He hooked up with my childhood friend of many years. I tbought i would die from losing two people i loved dearly. Is she also a narc?

I have been with my narc husband for over 20 years and a couple of years ago I found the definition of a narc. When I read more and more about the narc husband of mind it came clear to me after all of the years of dealing with his cheating, lies, shaming me in public the list goes on an on. I realized that I was dealing with a robot and not a human. The word narc should be used in cases as domestic violence and mental abuse but it is never mentioned in a lot of cases. People are getting help but not the proper help because it is not thought of at all. People think that are saving their marriages and hoping for a change you will never get it and the one most important thing is a peace of mind.

How do you have no contact with someone like this when kids are involved.

I wish you would not let SEX or one’s gender play a role. Keeping neutral might accomplish something rather than feeding old stereotypes. Many FATHERS are fighting Female narcissists (who because of society’s stereotypes) have the kids at least most of the time. These fathers also battle the new relationships as well. In the end we want change and help so the children can cope and grow to be responsible members of society and break the cycle of narcissism so prevalent today.

hi my name is Paula and Im in a relationship with a narcissit , please is there anyone who I can talk to I have a set of twin boys by him .I am afraid I just need to talk with some one . please .

SugarHit, we must be born the same day or month or perhaps year? I can gear myself’s echo. However, I keep it all. True…it is hard now…getting harder, the matter of fact is…I always caught my hubby’s guilt. I will try to explain…”the gut feeling” they said. I never get it and don’t believe it?! But if it happens to you..in my case, it had-hubby acted and behaved very ‘strange/weird’, Like a high school boy who bump onto his crush many times and getting his way in! Really…how comical…but alarming! Once you try to inquire about the odd behaviour…before (us wife) you finished your sentence he knoew how to answer. e.g: “what makes you think that?”; ” how can you say that?”. I had to smile and shake my head in disbelief..because…he just answer & confirm that he is doing somethibg behind my back. Since he knew that I am somehow aware of it, in my case…he is now being in touch again with his ex gf-colleague(old maid but…), he is quick enough to accused me of paranoia! Typical. While when we were in our early marriage or even when those times he worked hard to lure me into his illusion..(i was much younger than him,quick- I like banter-so a good candidate to mess my head, narc apparently loved it! Am I right Kim?) I was the ‘love of his life’..,’he cab’t live without me..etc etc..’ . He knew well I was vulberable..I never had a bf..he was once married..then divorced. I gather this ex gf-colleague is the culprit! Quite like a De ja vu. Pathetic. He gets what he wants…screwed me up…we had a child now,who has a physical challenged and totally focus on him.Though a very bright,talented and determined. He is gifted with languages,he is multiligual. The narc persona…only lately when I read about it by accident. Hubby had been a difficult awkward individual, I thought I was/am being understanding of his background. He don’t get on with his own family. I can recall all I have witness and experienced being with him. It was morose..we are totally isolated..because he said he havnt got anyone…no friends(despite his address book is full)..but he called friends behind my back. I’ve met some of his friends…but when they became friendly with me…I noticed hubby limit their visits&I will be told by hubby he met this & that friend for a cuppa at whatever cafe. Furthermore…when you make conversation & asks questions politely..it will turn out that I am being jealous & so on…till named as ‘controlling’! Besides…he’d done the talking already to his colleagues & friends. So I am a bad controlling wife, while I was just being there to seek a respect as wife! I have been quite for so long,as I said being so understanding. But heck..he’d crossed the line for so long…the fact is the name of the woman came out quite often-for him they are just friends and he just contact her regarding previous work matter. Like hell it is! I am not 24 anymore! He said before,that this woman was part of his past,& that she didn’t eant a child, she’s boring and very diet conscious. Now she’s the one who cheer him up,support him etc. I am now the villain on the scene. When I confront him again, he has a good defense. BUT he is very clever..he used his work reference-good moral…how he helped people in his times at work, he’d been complimented on, etc. He met the royals…he had been praise for his way of writing. Oh yeah…poetic…some poet live on their illusion& fantasy.He is…some narc they used their academic to protect their real colour. He lie…using a ‘to be honest or honestly”, even worse without fear, “swear to god and over a bible”.. very disturbing. Anyway…SugarHit and Kim, I could write more but no one will waste their time reading my moaning&groaning! Those bulleted notes of Sugarhit are absolutely the same as I am. *she save me typing-thank you). We can change these narc…I am disgusted though I am looking forward to get out from him. Hopefully he & his new puppet-the ex colleague gf (another narc) will be happier & will make it this time.
P.S.: Eventually, he said…”well see, I can sleep with every women around here & everywhere…it is not a crime, you see!” Arrgggh…pervert! ( m sorry) Now he’s a holy good boy: heard of Jekyl&Hyde)

If anybody could point me in the right direction via this forum, I would really appreciate it. My story is short: I kicked my N out of my life 1.5 years ago after 4.5 years of misery. I am now in a happy and healthy relationship with a wonderful man.
So there shoudn’t be a reason to have any issues. BUT: I miss the sex with the N, my partner is great but my feelings in the bedroom are far less intense. I understand that its my mind’s addiction to the tension and all that the N subjected me to. But how do I get rid of this feeling?
Also and more importantly; the N had another girlfriend during the entire time he was with me. When I finally caught him red handed, I finally left him for good- he stalked me for a few months and when I kept denying him he went back to her. She knows everything as I have had email conversations with her. She still took him back and now, a year later, is now having his baby.
Of course he is pretending he finally choose the “right thing” and is going to be a happy father etc. We also live in a small town so I hear things and run into him (we ignore each other).
I know its all false and that he cheats and lies to her as he has always done and for a reason which is completely beyond me: she accepts everything he does and will now even subject her own child to his abuse. I now even realize that the reason he is having child with her might be because I aborted his child after everything went down. Shock & horror. I wanted it but couldnt bring myself to have his as I realized i would never be able to get rid of him and also for the child.. His gfriend knew this also.
I shouldnt care, I do feel happy Im not the one having his baby and I was able to escape without any ties. However, Im still infuriated that he is having a baby with her now ( I want kids but not with him). And im mostly so disgusted with her that she put herself and her child in this situation. I know its silly as its none of my business. Rationally, I dont care and good riddance. But emotionally, Im still hurt and I still think about this. I try and meditate and occupy myself. I have a wonderful life now. Why is this still difficult and will it ever end?
I did already read yours and many other books, so I am well informed. But this “residue” as its called; Im so over it, I just want it to be done and out of my head. Nothing I do seems to accomplish this!
The story is a little longer then I anticipated, I hope you can help getting this psychopath out of my head rather sooner then later..
Thank you,
Anna

Thank you for your kind work for us. I was in a relationship with a man with NPD for 38 years.I am on my way to freedom thanks to a great therapist and a great divorce lawyer. I have had no contact with him at all, only through the attorneys. I made many hard choices, fled my home to save my life when I realized his violence was escalating. One of the hardest was accepting what he was and he would never change. I am not young but was unwilling to sacrific the rest of my life to such a monster.

I have wasted years of my life on a absolutely ridiculous relationship with a man that I’m only just realising prob has NPD. I’ve been in confused daze since I fell pregnant with our child 7 yrs ago. He changed seemingly overnight but it insipidly got worse over the years. Here are the main points that made my head spin continuously.
1. He would not discuss anything with me EVER. I would get shut down, ignored or told that I could never just leave things be if I tried to talk about anything.
2. He would make unilateral decisions about things, even buying property…. I had no voice or input… Just ignored….or he would crack it at me for trying to be involved.
3. He kept accusing me of things that I never did….mind boggling…
4. I felt like a “thing” or an object that belongs to him…. Almost like a favourite toy that he doesn’t really want to play with but doesn’t want anyone else to have.
5. He would make promises or agree to something or make a statement and later when he was saying the opposite…. I would tell him what he said earlier and he would always say that he never ever said that…. But he did!!!!
6. If I confronted him on catching him out on a lie or something he was guilty of…. He would become immediately defensive, blow up, start blaming me or just ignore me for days.??????????
7. Everything was my fault ALWAYS.
8. He seemed to keep a mental check list of things he didn’t quite like about me, and would drop a criticism of me in here and there… When I became upset…. It was my fault I was taking it the wrong way.
8. He would not ever give me or the children anything they had directly asked for…. You were not allowed to ask for anything… If you did… Then you were guaranteed he would not give it. He would only give something that was his idea…. Even if it’s something you didn’t want…. And you better be grateful.
9. Moody as all hell….
10. Kept saying to me that Im a gold digger… But he owes me money????
11. Everybody thinks he is a really nice gentle shy sweet guy…. Different person in public and with his friends.
12. Treats the kids like objects…
13. Has a million female friends that are “just friends”…. I’m skeptical.
14. No Empathy for my feeling NONE… Or his kids… But seems to have it for other people he is befriending… Or does he?
15. Everybody in the world is more important to him than his family …. We were last.
That’s some of it… There is more but you get the drift… Why did I put up for so long? Well I had zero self confidence, kept thinking it must be me. I also was trying to keep family together at all costs ( my idealism). I was living on hope, and I was in a fig and confused. I knew things were very wrong but I couldn’t find my way out… He seemed to be at every turn. I’m out now ….i keep contact to the minimum possible whilst sharing a child. If he starts talking about anything other than the business of DD… I ignore or block him or whatever I have to do…. As I want to avoid the Hoover. It’s sad as I did really love him a lot…. There were some nice parts that I miss at times but really overall.. It was a toxic hothouse of bad feeling for me….and I’m looking forward to new parts of life.

Reading this all has been so helpful. I’m just gone no contact for 1 week only since finding out my narc has been cheating on me with someone new from work. He lied about it even when I knew it was a fact. When confronting him he was unemotional and robotic saying ‘I deserve this’. He had numerous times given me the silent treatment to condition me and now I think back it all makes sense. He portrayed someone different and when the mask fell off I was in denial because I wanted it to work so badly. He played mind games constantly and fed on my insecurity and reactions. I felt like a fool for being manipulated to this extent but now I understand he was not real from the beginning. We all deserve happiness and I refuse to let him stop me

I don’t know if my ex was a narcissist – however he seems to have some of the traits listed in your articles – emotionally unavailable, liar, cheater, all about himself….within a few weeks after our break-up he was back with a girl who was always his “back up” girl when we would break up. I think he is still with her in some form these past few months – however from what I hear, it’s not public knowledge to most people (nothing on social media, supposedly has not brought her around his daughter or family at this time) – I know I don’t want him – but I seem to be “stuck” thinking that the great guy I waited 4 years for – the one he kept saying he was always going to be – did she get him? Has he changed into a romantic, loving guy to a girl that is known as a party girl – sleeps around – loud obnoxious…..is this the girl that he will finally commit to and be a great boyfriend to? His choice of girl that he replaced me with also seems to be an issue I am suffering with. She is everything he said he never wanted. But went right back to her. How do I get “unstuck?”

Kim, I am dealing with this right now, and am so hurt and distraught and had even considered suicide. My Narc and I got married 19.5 years ago. We had a son, and 2 years later a daughter. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I was very sick. Rather than make him stay at home and have to deal with me, I encouraged him to go out with his Radio DJ friends, (one of whom was a girl named Karen). Well, he started getting crabbier and crabbier and even told me that he hoped I die when I gave birth. This crushed me, but he said later on “OF COURSE, I didn’t mean that!” So, I was supposed to let it go. Which I did. But, it still hurt. Well, when our daughter was about 8 months old, I found an email between he and Karen, he was talking about he and I having problems, and she was talking about she and her live-in boyfriend having problems. I told him that he needed to be careful. I told him that sharing intimate details of one’s relationships could lead to the two of them getting TOO CLOSE and falling into bed with each other. Which is exactly what happened. When our daughter was 13 months old, he told me he was going to a friend’s house to play video games. Only he didn’t, he met up with Karen, and spent several hours with her going to a movie, and bookstore and then making out. I asked him why he got home so late, and he told that I was a suspicious, jealous nutbag. Then for the next month they hung out shopping for MY Christmas presents together, and finally on the day after Christmas, he picked and argument and walked out on us. On New year’s Eve, they consummated their relationship. Then two days later he was back sleeping with me. He moved back home and then I found out what happened and confronted him. He swore he would go to therapy with me. He did, for a couple of times and than that was it. Over the next several years, he would flirt online with other women, and then 7 years later I caught him with a girl in his car. He moved out and said that if he could take it back, he would. He moved back home. Then 3 years later he had another affair with another co-worker. She was 18 and he was 39. It went on for 6 months. He got fired from his job. He told me he didn’t KNOW why they fired him. So, I made him file unemployment, which he fought me on. But, then he moved out suddenly. And, moved out COMPLETELY! I found out from unemployment that he was fired for sexual behavior in the workplace. He tried to play it off as telling sexual jokes, and that they ALL did it. I knew he was lying. A few months later we started dating again. he never moved Back in, but once he stayed for 3 weeks, and nearly broke my heart when he said he needed to go back to his apartment, but that he had a lot to think about. So, constantly I was suspicious, and he would say that it could never work out because I would never trust him! NO JOKE!! So, last year, once again we were “trying”, than I found a women’s shirt on his couch. He tried to make excuses , like it was his friend’s girlfriend’s shirt. I told him I’d drop it off at their apartment for him. he than said, well it ISN’T hers. He than tried to say it belonged to a guy’s girlfriend who was over for drinks. Then he just said nothing, and then asked me if I wanted to have sex. So, as I was crying and walking out, he told me that he just didn’t know what he wanted. Then asked if I’d be okay?! REALLY?? Well, another 2 months goes by and we start talking again. So, this has been 15 months now, and off and on I would sense that something wasn’t right. Finally about 6 weeks ago, there was a wedding he was going to for one of his friends. One of his friends who hates ME because of all the lies he has told his friends about me, which alienated me from them. He always had to keep his friends separate from ME! Anyway, as the wedding got closer, I asked if he was taking ME? He said, “Well, I figured I would if we weren’t fighting. So, about two weeks later he was seeming distant. I told him that I felt like he was being distant and thinking of someone else. he IMMEDIATELY BLEW UP AND YELLED: DONE…SO DONE! You get a divorce or “I” will. And, Do NOT come over to my apartment because I MIGHT have a DATE!!” And, the very next day, he DID!! And, it turned out to be the ex-wife of an acquaintance of his, who he had been in contact on Facebook with. Oh yeah, and he ALWAYS kept me locked off of his FB. He would never accept a friend request from me on FB. GHe ended up taking her to the wedding and has moved her in and says they will probably get married. But, yet he says he had not talked to her AT ALL until the day of our fight. Even though she was in his bed the next day!! I am beside myself. We have 2 kids who want NOTHING to do with him!! How do I keep my sanity and find a way to live??

I have learned so much from this site. The insight into how a NARC thinks and prey upon their victims has truly helped me cope with what could have been a very emotionally destructive divorce. “No contact” is the only way to beat the trauma bonded addiction!! I must say however, that I am a man that was married to a narc girl (not woman she had the emotional capacity of a 2 year old). Due to the information presented on this site, telling you of her affairs and describing what she did during our marriage is not needed. The story has been told over and over again by so many of your readers. However, I sometimes have a hard time reading the articles all the way through. This is due to so much animosity towards men. Men are not always the NARC’s in the relationship. I learn so much from this site. Please keep in mind that some of us men are here to learn also. While I am not in pain anymore, it does hurt to think that there are men out there that are getting their arses kicked by these types of girls. They cannot find the help they need because most of the narc blogs are tailored for women against narc men. You present such valid and helpful advice. Thank you. Without this blog I think I would be a withered emotionally destroyed shell/corpse of a man.

This is all accurate. I met a scottish narc through work at a local bank and he has played me off against his ex wife and other girll friends since. We broke up many time and i ne er know where i stand and when he will leave. He cares only about himself and uses women for attention. He is 45 and has 2 kids. He blamed his wife T for his marriage problems and I believed him. He is a liar and a fraud. I know it now and must get away. He travels for work and tricks clients at the bank into affairs and is nasty about my family and work friends but nice to their faces. I had been warned about him but wanted to see the best. I was mad. He is a bully and a piece of rubbish. I want him out of my house but must be careful as he is senior to me at work. Never knew there were such fake evil people.

I was just recently discarded by my N-ex and i must admit it was one of the worst experiences ever. I just gave birth to our firstborn a few months ago and this is almost as bad as everything he put me through while we were actually together. Now that we have our son, I’m having a hard time trying to go No Contact. This is horrible because although i think i can get through the healing process if he wasn’t apart of my life, but it’s as if he knew that i would be the one to figure him out and his way of holding on to me was this baby. We come from two completely different worlds so avoiding interaction would be possible if he weren’t so persistent. Now i can’t help but feel as if he is going to instigate a fight between his new gf and me for his own gratification. And as much as i would like to drag her through the mud, i know she was just manipulated and fooled like me in the beginning.

My exnh and I tried so many times to make it work during and after our marriage. Triangulation is a favorite tactic of his along with his lying about it. It all boiled down to ping ponging between me and his office manager, whom he has had an on again off again sexual relationship with. When he discarded me for the final time… It was because I wouldn’t commit and remarry him…

He then calls me drunk a few months afterwards saying … Get this…. HE needs closer!!!!! Lol! I told him I would not accept him keeping his office manager but hey, keep her since she is that important to you, (he has his own law practice and there are many legal secretaries and paralegals out there looking for work)… And that I couldn’t accept his drinking…. ( back to back DUI’s during time they were together after our divorce which were several times over the years she has worked for him). He got so mad at me, he couldn’t hang the phone up quick enough, but not before he spat out that he would never call me again. I guess he didn’t like it that I just accepted it being over and wasn’t my usual begging crying self.

Well he did call a few weeks after that to tell me about a case I was familiar with… I kept it brief… And didn’t ask him to call me back.

Fast forward to July 1, Me and a mutual friend get an email from him. It was a joke sent to his sister. He had responded to his sister and then asked if she was coming to his 4th of July party. ( he lives on a lake and always has a party on the floating bar as I call his boat.). He then forwards us the entire exchange. We laughed about it, as it was his attempt to contact me but not since he sent it to her as well…..and to let me know he was having a party…. Just to get me wondering who he had with him…. We both laughed at his predictability. Anyway… It wasn’t a big deal like it would have been in the past…. He is what he is…. And I am living my life and enjoying things I missed while being married to him….including my relationships with friends and family again, travel, laughter….. And fun!

There’s a common theme in a lot of comments and discussions about personality disorders, including this one, where people put up with such abuse so nonchalantly with their NPD relations, and/or speak about it with such determined survivor’s egotism about such long, protracted battles (hello, I’ve put in 17 years and just starting to think I’m NPD and I’m in it for life, I refuse to give up)…

I suspect a large number of people, perhaps even the majority (NPD’s like weasel words, I bet, there I go again) who comment and complain about NPD are NPD themselves, but were the one who finally made the decision to eject from the situation (or in many cases have not). There’s a certain intensity and fury that goes along with participating in these relationships vs. shrinking away into a shell of your former self. And I think a lot of the damage brought on by people from these relationships is the same sort of trauma you can experience in the workplace or battlefield, and yet some proportion of it is simply ripping the defensive coating off of an existing latent problem that made you attracted to this personality in the first place. The shorter version of this is “always ask yourself what attracted you to XYZ person after you extricate yourself.”

I suspect my wife and I are both highly NPD but also high-functioning, high-achievement, able to back it up in the workplace and only really showing heavy cracks under the stresses of parenthood and realizing we need to spare our children as much as possible from what our parents did to us…so it takes a long time to come to any realization. But I read things like “my ex couldn’t get to me because I didn’t flinch when he fucked everyone else” I see another narcissist or otherwise personality-damaged person being willing to put up with tons of abuse, and not just a shrinking violet.

Makes sense considering how often personality-disordered folk attract each other.

My ex and I have been together for 7.5 years. To make a long story short he would lie about pretty much everything. He has cheated on me on and off our whole relationship, which I didn’t know until the end. He cheated on me with three different girls in one month and ended up giving me a curable STD. This is how I found out he had cheated. When my doc called and I confronted him he even had the nerve to deny it and said it was probably from someone I was sleeping with, which I had never ever done to him. After throwing him out for a whole 2 days(I was so sad and depressed) I took him back in. He begged and cried and would only agree to tell me the details if I took him back. He even threatened to kill himself as he couldnt live without me!!”So I did and it lasted a year after that. However it was a very hard year for me as I knew he wasn’t honest with me about the “real story”. I lost a lot of weight and stressed constantly about this mysterious random girl from the bar he claimed he was drunk and had sex with in her car. I was disgusted with myself for loving him so much I would stand for this treatment. Come to find out it wasn’t 1 random girl but 3 girls I knew all in one months time frame. Well towards the end I was so worn down and damaged as everything I thought we had was not real, I ended up seeing someone else and he found out. I did this while we were together the last month of our relationship and once I heard the real truth about his indiscretions I threw him out again. He cried and begged to come back and that he was sorry and didn’t know why he cheated blah blah. He found out I had started seeing someone while we were still together and he came to my house and physically assaulted me in front of our two children. I thought he was going to kill me. Well after a month of really no contact I found out he had started seeing a girl he knew from work only 2 weeks after he had been out of the house. after 2 months of being apart I was severly depressed and asked him if he wanted to fix our family and get some help he told me NO!!! He said 7 years with me was 7 years of hell and that he would never be able to forgive me for what I HAD DONE to him with the other guy!!! Wow some nerve right?! It has been 7 months and he doesn’t want to come home and I am depressed as I had so many hopes for our family. I don’t know how to let go ad move on

I was involved with a narcissist who was clearly sociopathic. He had an ex, who was equally sociopathic, or didn’t have any self respect or dignity… I was triangulated, and later punished by him for trying to contact her and apologize for not believing her first. What happened next I had never seen coming 🙂 She used my apology to get back to him and he used her to take revenge on me and show that I was stupid to break up with him and try to contact her. He showed me that he is “almighty” and he can manipulate everyone into doing literally everything… I was dumbfounded at both his and her amoralty and stupidity. Anyways, I refused to get into that sh** any deeper and went no contact with both of them. Needless to say, that jerk tried to contact me several months later as if nothing has happened. I made it clear that I dont deal with psychos and blocked him. Well, guess what, he used that ex for a few months for sex and left again for other numerous flings. I can only be thankful i got out safe and sound out of that “relationshit” (the guy was also physically abusive with his ex, tried to hurt me also several times). As regards triangulation, it was the worst mistake I could have done – try to save a grown up man from his “crazy” ex. I paid for it. Now, whenever a guy starts badmouthing his ex, I say bye-bye! 🙂

I am going through this right now. My narc and I are getting a divorce after 5 years together and 3 years of marriage. He cheated 3 times that I know of but I suspect more. We did therapy and all that. He always seemed so sorry, but then did it again. He screams and turns everything around on me. He decided he polyamarous and thinks that is why he cheated. He wanted me to be ok with him having a girlfriend. He asked for a divorce bc after a year or him saying he is poly I won’t let him act on it. He asked for the divorce but is blaming me for not being supportive and not trusting him enough! Now he texts me all the time saying I love you. Saying we don’t have to stop seeing each other just bc we get a divorce. He keeps trying to cuddle and have sex. I’m stuck living here for two more months. It’s torture bc I love him and hate him at the same time. I seriously think he wants us to be friends with benefits. I need NO CONTACT but can’t since we have to live here. It’s so hard not to give in. This is awful! I don’t want to be doing this for years.

In reading the comments from Kim’s wonderful blog, it appears that almost everyone reading this is female. I read Kyle’s post and have to add another male voice here to those that were trampled under-foot by their emotional battering rams ex’es. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to read everyone’s here before writing this. Mine came from a background where her self-centered father and non-attentive mother fought over his boozing or her growing weight gain. My 10 yr old ex and her younger brother were caught up in the violence. This is the part most don’t pay any attention to but I had to because discovering the cause of what felt like a daily mental late-term-abortion came about 5 yrs into this marriage, and only after I stumbled upon a P.D. site while searching for the millionth reason why she behaved like she did. Remember, for us guys, when the wife starts acting weird it’s always blaming it on the hormones. It’s easier this way, because there’s usually nothing happening of significance that would bring on psycho-drama. Most of us were raised in homes that had stable parents, who rarely fought in front of the kids and emotions were always the same as the year before, 10 years ago too. But when you’re faced with someone who becomes loud and wants to argue while your 1 yr old has just fallen asleep, and who you have reminded to lower her voice for the 50th time in just 50 seconds of ‘conversation’ then at some point in time a big red alarm bell goes off, flashing with all the nuclear bomb-heading-your-way sounds you can imagine at the loudest volume you can bear…and at that point, when you are reading all the words describing this disorder begin to click and you say, “Yes, yes, yes, YES YES!!!

You figured it out but it is too late to bargain with someone who argues unfairly. Who bears no resemblance to the woman you married, who put you on a pedestal and made you feel like King Richard on his best day. But, I am a person who likes to cut thru the b.s. and get to the heart of the matter and after I had read my 7th book on narcissism and P.D.s I decided to meet her head-on and reveal what I had discovered. I had nothing to lose since she had already demeaned and ridiculed me beyond where most people would have kicked their spouse to the curbs long ago (not literally) only I was 20+ yrs older than her and wanted to make this work, mostly for our young child, but what did I know? Back in the beginning year or two of our marriage, there was a time when I saw the stool kicked out from under me: on this night I asked her why she was angry at me for a very small disagreement I had with her. And after I said, “What do you want, perfection?”…she looked me in the eyes and said, “yes, I do. I expect you to be perfect.” And when I said, “Why, you’re not! Why should you expect me to be?” She proclaimed, “well, you’re older than I, have more experience in life and I expect this.”

At that point, that very moment, I felt like I got knocked in the stomach by a brahma bull.

I’ll never forget this: One afternoon I was on my way, with child, to pick her up from work. I called her and, being in a good mood, I asked “How do you feel today? Are you feeling happy?” And her words are forever etched in my gray matter: “Well, that depends. If you are in a good mood, the I’ll be in a good mood.”

My therapist later would say: “Nooooooooooooooooooo! You are responsible for your own mood, not upon your spouse!

You all know that the worst thing, as I’ve read from authorities, you can do is tell them that they have a problem. For from then on they’ll try to prove it is you. They will go to your own family and speak to them behind your back. You’ll learn only later and then your friends will begin to wonder about your veracity to them after she goes on a mission to win over everyone you know to her side.

I do plan on writing a book or screenplay about this. It is a house of horrors, living in their world, when they dropkick you out of their lives. Their mission in life is to keep you off balance for the rest of your life.

If I only knew then what I know now. Trite, but true.

Kyle,
Your wife sounds way too much like my husband, it’s scary…I cannot believe we let them say to us, “I don’t want to break up with the home wrecker, then you break up with me and be alone”….. Seriously, what have we become? I do know that when my narc told me he broke up with his gf younger than our children (yuk!), he told her to try back in a month, sure enough, at a month, he starts being overly cruel to me, she sends him an “I miss you card”, and he makes some ridiculous excuse to bail on our family….again.
He abandoned me and our two disabled kids, went to Alaska (we are in ny), where he is seeing the gf, is a drug addict, lives in a bedroom in his brothers apartment where there is a 13 year old girl living, brings his gf to his “room”…..he sends me naked pictures of her to make me jealous, says “well, aren’t you going to fight for your man? ” and then ” I’m sick of the college girl, I want my wife and family back….she does things that bother me in bad ways” if only that poor girl knew the truth!!
I am done, I am too disgusted, he’s fifty, and sleeping with a little girl. Ugh….I could never have sex with him again, he’s just really a loser, a miserable, hurtful, lying, deadbeat….loser. My kids want nothing to do with him. I know he’s going to try the parental alienation excuse in court, however, I don’t think it will be accepted with how abusive he is and because he abandoned his kids…I never alienated our kids against him, he did that all on his own.
The best of luck to you,
StrongerNow

Oh boy!

Nearly two months after I moved out of the house, after the second confirmed affair; on a night in which I was home with all three kiddos, two of which were not biologically mine, but that I had accepted as my own, she was at a party, of course beginning her new relationship. We were two days away from our first joint therapy session, so I at least had a tiny bit of hope. The next morning when she came home; she had sent me a text a 5am, saying she had a couple of drinks and was going to rest it off—something I had asked her to do after the first affair, to be considerate of how I may be feeling, worrying, etc.
Anyway, I took the boys to get donuts, while she made breakfast for us…how the F— can someone do that? It’s like people who murder people and go out and have lunch afterwards; to a lesser extent, though she was murdering my soul, our life. I even got her an energy drink, since of course I was not also going to stay up watching the kids all day by myself again, to help her stay awake. I guess you could argue I was selfish there…

Anyway, a few weeks after I moved out; the day we actually filed the court paperwork; I bought her lunch, and she came over to my apartment; stupid, I know. We were together. Then ultimately I was her ‘affair.’ How disgusting and low self-esteem do i have to be to do that to myself?! A part of me really had hoped that somehow she would connect the sex to love; that’s what I was trying to do and I would have a chance to be the boys’ stepdad again and have my daughter full-time. The things some people do…
I do remember one specific day during this time; she left work early because she was sick, I was unemployed as I just could not get my head right and lost the best job I ever had. We were driving somewhere and she said: “well you should at least know that you are bigger than he is.”
I screamed at her and cried; I told her that didn’t make me feel any better about this at all, whatsoever. I hate what I am doing, I hate myself for this, I hate you for allowing me to do this. Yes, I know it was my choice to.
She always said: “this body is yours as long as you want it.”
She also said: “we don’t have to do this if you are not comfortable with it.”
When I finally said i could not do this anymore the first time…she went into a hellacious rage…because I finally rejected ‘sloppy’ seconds.

fast forward about three weeks…

She had come over to my apartment; it was right at the end of the shortened lease we had on our home, as I moved out and she could not afford it. The talks that day were pretty nice; she was wishing I was there helping her pack. I kept talking to her about the new guy, asking if she was really done with him; why was she talking to me if she wasn’t? She kept dodging it every single time. Did this for the better part of three hours. I finally told her, no, do not come over tonight.
She did anyway; she knocked on my window. I told her to leave; I finally threatened to call the cops…
so the next morning, she says: “I want another chance,” turns out of course…I reallllllllly pissed her off and she HAD to get back at me. So she comes over, because I am so fixated on holy s—! I am getting my family back, so I am excited, hopeful, happy even?
And she sits on the the floor in the living room and I tell her, I want to be there. She says no, it’s already going to be tough enough on him as it is; my thoughts were: f— him, what do I care about his feelings. So ultimately i decided to just have her do it and have her phone on, with speaker phone; turns out I could not really hear anything she said to him.
But back to my living room for a minute. While we are sitting there, she projected onto me so badly: she broke down in tears and said: “I’m just scared that you are doing this to hurt me, that I am going to break up with him, have no one, then you are going to say, ‘haha, I was just kidding, i don’t want to give you another chance.'”
I actually hugged and consoled her and told her that was not true at all; not even really recognizing that she was playing me hard. She never even apologized, not once, for him being her affair.

BOOM!!! goes the brain.

On Tuesday night I was arrested and charged with assaulting my middle- eastern Narc/Psycopath whom I met in 2012.

I am a single mum and i am terrified what this will do to my child if I go to jail. I found evidence of him cheating in January and since then we have been spinning about in this tangled web of lies. Names, dates, reasons changing daily and hourly. I was told he was trying to have a baby with a filipino because I am no longer fertile. Then he tells me he had sex with another one that he owed money to. She kept coming to his work to get the money and he claims he had sex with her to shut her up. Today the family (it was actually him, emailed me to give him another chance). Im on a no contact order and if i respond i will be incarcerated. The web of lies and deceit this man has spun to stop me from finding out the truth. I believe I was the one that the Narc values, not one of the disposable ones. He was coming here every night full of anxiety because I kept blocking him when I caught him playing head games, the cycle was rotating every 36-48 hours until I would block him, he would say he was going to fuck all the women in the whole city because he was jealous I talked to a platonic ex of mine. WE just kept spinning around in circles until i finally put my foot down a couple weeks ago and started going NO Contact for maybe 2 days at a time. So last Thursday I start getting all these panicked messages from him saying I will never forgive myself for what he is about to do. Hours later a really nasty whore calls me and says that she had sex with him a couple times and that the last time was since I found out about the infidelity. I got angry and told her he said she was fat and smelly and that he had sex with her because he owed her money and that he was harrassing me to marry him. That night I received angry texts from him saying i ’caused trouble’ for him and barely heard from him for two days (not a stretch to figure where he was). He did let me know days later that he was in the car with her when she called and i got mad at him saying he should have protected me and been with me when that call came in. I have long given up to see any empathy from his back dead cold heart. 4 days ago whilst dealing with the fallout from that phone call my doctor calls me and says there was an odd reading on the STD blood test I did for Hep C. I went to the lab and did a new test. At the same time I had him blocked again and as usual i received another friend request from a pseudo handsome guy on facebook, whose profile was only a couple days old and all his 90 friends were women. My Narc already had 3 definite. profiles on facebook. My gut told me this was him and so I thought well here is a novel way of communicating with him without actually communicating. This new fellow stated asking me questions and i said I was not single etc etc. His writing style was exactly the same as my Narc. So, I started to complain to this guy and he ended up adding my Narc on the pretense that maybe he could help us. When my doctor called I sent this new dude a jpeg of the lab requisition form, thinking this would show me if it were him, or not.

That night as he and i were in our own cars driving down the street, he crashed into my car and proceeded to blame me. So Monday i made it exceptionally clear that I wanted the filipino info the next day. he had claimed for months that he deleted all her info. Bullshit. Anyway, that night he kept me up till 6am and for the first time in almost 3 years (on and off) he was physically aggressive pushing me around my house. pretending he was going to punch me in the face. He believed i was having sex with someone else (all projection). He was raging on through my phone contacts and txts, forcing me to go on facebook and delete men. It went on and on. I guess I should have seen the geiser about to blow. So the next day he tols me he had sent the Fil-whore a skype friend request and that when she woke up she would call us. I was holding his phone whilst awaiting this call and a text message appeared asking why he wanted her to lie for him. And what about their dirty future if he lied to me….she was calling from a local area code! I start texting her back pretending to be him to get more evidence and he sat on the other chair watching and if he moved I freaked out verbally. Whilst texting this whore, I saw photos they’d sent each other.AND: photos of my car and is after he hit them, plus the Lab requisition form I had sent to that new dude on facebook (proof positive it was him duh!) I went bananas. When I kicked him out I said I was calling the RCMP. In the middle of it all I had the presence of mind to write her number down. After I attacked him and kicked him out, I phoned her and we talked for 41 mins. She sounded more psycho than him. She had this eerie calm confidence to her voice. She told me they were still messing about, and the way she descibed it they were in love. I told her he wanted to marry me adshe No, you are his sister (had the fucking nerve to say ‘can we be friends’ WTF at the end of the call. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me my whole fukcing life story. I told her he was having sex with multiple women and mentioned the saggy old whore retard that called me the week before, then the filipino (lets call her F) said, ‘ oh no, she wasn’t real, he just uses her for money, he never had sex with her, he just got her to do that to get you off is scent’. Then she preceeded to tell me the name of my child. Then asked me why I smashed into his car. I said Hey! he’s been staying with me and we are having sex often and she said ‘ I know, he calls me from your place all the time’. and she said she had met some of his family on skype. Crap, it just went on and on. I felt gutted, raped and betrayed. Oh we were going to tell you in July and I was like “huh? He asked me ot marry him, but slowly the cold hard truth was sinking in. He had been giving this Fil-whore a running play by play of my whole life. She told her if her was honest with me about them that I would commit suicide, she also said he told her I take pills to stop me from going crazy. I have never seen something so incidious in my whole life. She is clearly his favourite if hes filling her in anytime i sneeze, but why was he obsessively chasing me around to and showing such extreme jealousy.

So the arrest and No contact happened tuesday. Following that I deleted all his family from facebook. I love these people as well as him so this has been very painful indeed. Last night, Wednesday night, I start receiving calls from my church that he went in and scared all the people looking very disheveled and rough, he was apparently completely falling apart and he blurted out’ She is going to jail, she will lose her child, and her schooling, she will lose everything’ and he cried and wailed on and on before going in to speak to the priest. fast forward to today and i start hearing ping ping on my phones facbook. 2 of the brothers sent me emails ( written by you know who as they only speak arabic), in the emails it said everyone was sad and that my Narc loved me so much and so did the family. The email asked me to ‘please give him a chance’ and blah blah blah

He double crossed me and it looks like he is honest with the Fil-whore, constantly carrying tidbits of info about me and my family back to the bitch. Im shocked, utterly shocked.part of me feels lucky i got out now (even with the charge) fearing the horrifc fate they may have planned for me down the road.I really need to understand this. I went to the batered womens shelter today for resourses, but Kim, you understand this stuff. What is your take on all this? Oh one thing i should add is I believe I am valuable to him bc I am extremely strong (as a person), Im getting a degree at Uni, plus I am in the entertainment business and have been called quite attractive, plus i was born in the UK so I come with a few passports. These past few months since I found out, I have turned on him, I am the one usually calling the shots and demeaning him because he wouldnt stop lying, toying with my feelings. Utter madness.

Oh yes. I was blamed for everything since i met him. There was never happiness with him, the air was always thick with oppression and negativity. He started taking ESL courses and ended up abusing me (emotional and psych only) because I didn’t have time to do his homework, because he was too lazy to study and failed, not to mention I had heavy duty exams in University.When we were apart for awhile and i would go to his place for ***, I would walk in the room, he would glance up at me and say ‘Git ready’ and he would go back to his online game. I would get into bed, he would come then after he would shower and go play the games again. This was obviously in a de-valuing stage. He has notified me that he wants to marry me now bc he found out how much he loved me when I started he No Contact. But what of the Fil-whore and the miriad others…….my main focus is getting out of these charges somehow, none of the lawyers will use abuse as an excuse. Im praying m child doesnt lose me. i live in bc canada

I am 3 weeks into no contact. After a 15 year marriage and 3 affairs. The last one in which he had a 3 year affair. While I was just lost in the dark. Had no clue at all. He was able to compartmentalize the two lives. At home husband and work husband. Narc’s are very cunning indeed! He blamed me for the affair and the fact that my heart was totally crushed and I was very broken. I think that is the worst hurt you can feel….knowing that you are so disposable. He stayed because he claimed he wanted to work things out, even went to counseling and never wanted to do the homework. He went to church with me and ask me why we should worship God. He became angry at me because HE chose to stay with me! I wanted him out and he begged to stay. It was stability for him. She lived in a hotel. She had nothing. I found out they were still in “contact” and kicked him out for good. He was VERY angry then. Fair warning: do not take control away from a narc. They become very angry! He abused me mentally and physically for years and then when he was caught he became very angry. I changed the locks and changed my phone number. He begged to come back and said he had changed. He pulled me back in and then left me again, several times. The porn addiction and profiles he created with all these other women. The fact that he is a pathological liar and deceitful, is reason enough to keep him out of my life, but it was almost like a drug. It consumed me. I pray that I can be strong and keep him out of my life as I pray for the rest of you. I pray that we will be strong and courageous when they come back! May we love ourselves enough to keep them away. May we remember the past and what they did to us and what they will continue to do to us. We owe it to ourselves to have the happiness we deserve. Don’t go back….don’t allow them back.

Right now I am using reverse psychology to help me heal. I was discarded because I never gave him a reaction when he was flaunting other women in front of me. I used to play into his pity parties, until they became a broken record, and the fact that he was still seeing these terrible exs didn’t make sense to me. I reversed it all and encouraged him to go and visit them, take them out etc. When a narcissist discards you, be proud that you’re not the one who was feeding him and keeping him supplied. Something within you must have known it didn’t feel right and it didn’t seem all that. When you get an uncomfortable feeling in your gut, believe it or not – that’s healthy! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been dealing with this on and off for eight years now. The reason I’m hurting is because I’m healthy enough to know the difference between good and evil. I’ve touched base with the devil and it’s hurt me, but feeling that hurt makes me better than the devil who did it – I’m proud of that. A narcissist can cause so much pain because they feel nothing, and if they do, they can numb it with alcohol. I’m feeling raw pain and sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic, but I’m not and I’m proud of that too. It’s not easy being proud of feeling so hurt, but I would rather carry this human emotion than have no emotion at all. I would rather be the one carrying it, than be the one inflicting it. Maybe this doesn’t make much sense to anyone else, but carrying this pain makes me a much better person than the loser who did this to me, and I’m proud of that much.

My situation is almost identical in characteristics as the ones listed above except I am a woman who was with another woman…I gave years to her, helped with the raising of her children. Promises, promises…she never did divorce her husband and now he is and most likely will always be her rescuer. He is a decent man who has been caught up in her narc ways so long that he just takes it…It ended when she began sleeping with another man, someone hired to do work around the house. I had begun to challenge her and wondering why this man was always there but no work ever seemed to get done. This man began sleeping on the couch at night instead of going home and would constantly call or text when he was not there a dozen or more times a day. She began feeding him distortions about our relationship and she began making him promises that spun his head and he became venoumous toward me.

The handyman saw her as the golden opportunity to possibly improve his own station in life… I watched for weeks as she flirted openly with him and the red flags begin to unfold but I pushed them backward out of the recesses of my mind… Thinking that she would never sleep with him…. well she did… kicked me out of the house we shared and reminded me that it was titled in her name, of course everything out of her mouth was always possessive, my house, my car, my portfolio, my this and my that… it was never our! I had invested a great deal of money and love into this relationship and it ended…. painfully

In the beginning of our relationship she swept me off my feet. I did feel as though I was the luckiest person alive…. and although we were together, she always managed to keep her husband close. I learned that she had been telling her oldest son and her husband that things were not going well between the two of us and even went as far as telling her husband that they may have a chance to get back together… I am the one who told him that she was sexually active with the handyman… of course, her husband, who has been waiting in the wings forever for her to come to her sense was livid that she slept with another man and not him…. but he has stuck by her side even through this… The handyman, is most likely on his way out at this point because his usefullness is no longer needed. I am just into the NC mode now as I had to have all my personal property removed from “her home”. Even as my items were being removed from the home we shared I could already detect some hoovering taking place. Reading and researching sites like this has made me stronger and I hope keeps me that way because I know soon enough I feel there will be contact and I pray I am strong enough to stay away!!! Toxic toxic toxic

I found your site by means of BaggageReclaim; thankful that I have taken the rose colored glasses off because of the meaningful messages that I luckily stumbled upon (by accident).

My story is similar… I was the other woman. I met him while right after he and his “ex-wife” decided to get a divorce, claimed the wrong-doings of the wife and that I was “it.” Long story short, for 6 months .. he told me that I needed to patient with him and be understanding of his guilt about her and missing his ex-wife. He would leave our house to go “check on her” in the middle of the night if she wasn’t answering his text messages; that she relied on him to make sure she was okay. Telling me that she knew him best; if we got into a fight he would go to her house for advice. I quit my job for him, sold my car, drained my bank account on the “promise” that we would be leaving the area and bliss would ensue. Charming, charismatic, good-looking .. I thought, this is it. If I can just make it another ____ months, then it’ll all be worth it. He called my emotions “grievances” and any boundaries that I tried to set were verbally brow-beaten to the point where I couldn’t see my worth anymore. I was told that I was not allowed to have an opinion about her and her affect on our relationship. My breaking point came when I was told that the ex-wife was showing pictures of their wedding (6 years prior) to common friends; he told me that she claimed him during that time and she could show those pictures to whomever she pleased… went as far as calling me a jealous b*tch. I was done. I had no fight left in me. I got a rental car, packed my belongings, and left … all without saying goodbye. All of this happening within the last month.

It’s messages like the ones you are providing, that are giving women and men the strength to come to terms with their own emotions, that they are worth love and respect. There are no words that do justice to how much I appreciate your website. I have spent hours re-reading posts … sometimes during really dark hours, just to remind myself. Again, thank you.

Your blog is a “mirror image” of my previous relationship, right down to mentioning porn addiction. Thank you for writing and sharing. Even though my ex-boyfriend completely severed our almost three year relationship last mid-September (proposed to his new girlfriend less than 12 weeks later and remarried New Years Eve), I am still working on acceptance and recovery. I realize I am MUCH better off NOT being in his toxic environment anymore, but I feel extremely hurt and betrayed the man I fell in love with NEVER existed. Not only that, but I am struggling to remember who I was going into the relationship versus when I exited. I felt that he “stripped me” of everything that made me graceful and beautiful. I am working on finding “that woman” again. Thank you again.

His abuse became so unbearable I had to end it…He knew I would, so the abuse escalated. He was too cowardly to end it himself, and wanted me to, so he could walk away and portray himself as the poor victim to everyone we all knew. Hooked up with a so called girlfriend of mine, lied about it all, and so did she…Lied to her about a married woman he had been cheating on me with…He is, far as I know, with the married woman(convinced her to leave her husband for him)…All of this 2 months after I ended it….These are only some of the infidelities that I know of… But suspect many more. I have cut off contact, as he only wanted to talk to me about his new girlfriend, or to bring up past issues and blame me for everything. His versions of what happened in our relationship were all lies and he would project his own behaviors onto me…It was a nightmare!… I would get off the phone and be just so messed up and I am sure he was laughing at me, and then tell everyone how crazy I was, as he would always do. I have a history of being involved with abusive men, so he was not the first one…I am sure it all stems back to my narcissistic, sociopath, abusive father. I am in recovery and counseling for my own issues now…It is proving to be a very long and hard road back to some sort of peace in my life…

It’s been over a year since I ended my toxic abusive relationship with my ex of almost 7yrs. I am still obsessing in my head over it all. My life in many ways has changed for the better, and yet I still cannot seem to move on in my head and let go….I pine every day for him. I know what he is, yet I still want him…HELP! I am in a recovery program and do know what I have to do…It is just so hard…It’s like I just want to beat myself up for all the mistakes I made and forget about all the abuse he perpetrated on me.

His new girlfriend is a former friend of mine, and even though it’s been over a year since I’ve spoken to him, he still uses her in an attempt to make me jealous.
He’s also targeted my current partner. Have you done/will you do a post about the ex-N targeting his victim’s current partner? Because this is something I would like help with.
Thanks for posting always! Your blog is really helping me get my life back. xx

I had relatively short relationship with my ex, we started dating last may and I str ted noticing the non stop lies right away. I finally tried to rid myself of him at the end of August, a week later he moves in right next door and a week after that I found out I was pregnant (I later found out he had sabotaged my birth control). I had a trying pregnancy but he was really attentive the first 6 months and had me convinced we would be a perfect little family. In March I tried to discuss the typical worries of a pregnant female and not even 5 sentences in he ended us. I kept trying but grew more and more suspicious as time went on. I had our child prematurely and he seemed to come back around slightly, only to find out he had joined dating websites and had two other women on the side. I finally called it good in June and have been no contact besides communication about our daughter and legal issues. I am emotionally stuck though, wouldn’t ever want to be with him but have a daily reminder with us being a neighbors. just like I told him as soon as I ended us he would start dating one of his flings, ignores our child but flaunts his gf and her kids all the time. I don’t know what to do as my next step, if I could leave I would in a heartbeat and just want all of this in the past already.

I am just realizing this is what I’m dealing with with my 2nd time around boyfriend and I’m devestated. :..(

Spot on Kim- It took 42 years to figure out why i seemed to find myself in the center of so much chaos. It has been nearly two year since it all started to unfold for me, i was with a Nark for 13 years…I met him after being single for two years. previously managing to escape of what i know now, from a Man who has A.S.P.D. Violent, aggressive, paranoid..ect. I had two children with him and walked on egg shells for seven years. The only way to describe living round these people is, its like they line the dominoes up in front of each other only to knock them down and you constantly find yourself standing them up only for them to knock them down again. My Son is 22 in February.. its hard enough dealing with an ex partner with Narcissistic/Antisocial disorder, but when it is your own flesh and blood, your heart gets torn in two. Lies, deceit manipulation, the police, stealing…it never ends. Last year he was sent to prison for 6 month, i gave him a chance thinking it might make him wise up- It made him worse. The day he got released, i sat and listened to his verbal bile, how money earns respect, and your nothing if you have none, he said..”Lets face it, look at you Mum” And he meant it…sad thing is, it has ill or no effect, you just feel numb after a time. He lasted 5 days if that, and i knew that was it, he was now a Man, and every bit his father. I rang the police and had him removed..it was a regular thing, but this was the last time…4 weeks previous to that, i had been discarded after 13 years, he told me he had cancer and that was how he sucked me in…all those years..but after seven years with a violent disordered thug, i stayed self sufficient, lived in my own property,made my own money and paid my own bills…i scraped by but i never relied on anyone, saying that i never have. I knew that if i didnt start cutting people from my life, i would have faded away. Figuring out my family life and the thing with my Dad i never put a name too, now linked the chains together. Funny thing was, my parents never once helped me with my Son, they constantly belittled me for being too weak to keep letting him in, the day the police came for him, they took him to my parents house and they welcomed him with open arms…Of course, i had gone to my sister once figuring out the game with my ex Nark, i could barely string a sentence together and she turned into the witch from hell in front of my very eyes…and the chain got longer lol.. i have lost a home to a fire, i couldnt for the life of me guess which one lit the match, pathological liars lie and believe it…you may as well run at the wall a hundred miles per hour just to feel something- anything! But i am in a comfortable place at the moment, i am not by a long shot anywhere near where i want to be but i,m on my way…Knowledge is power and it may have taken me 42 years to figure out who i am and where i,m from but i hope to live another 42 living it my way. Love and light to you all <3

WOW! This is my ex to a T. I have been struggling with whether or not my therapist misdiagnosed him and our relationship and whether no contact was cruel and/or even necessary and I was “just making things up in my head again”, at least that is what he used to tell me I did, but this explains EVERYTHING that I have gone through in the past five months. Thank you. I will read this again and again; especially when I have the urge to go crawling back to him.

[…] also demonstrates how this situation comes about really well. She touches on it again in her post The ex and the new girlfriend – the art of triangulation. These posts are so true to their detail that I almost feel like Kim must’ve been watching over […]

Thank. You kim. My ex. Narc is contacting me everyday but has not used. Anyget back together tatctics just wants to be friends. Wondering why ?

[…] The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend – The Art of Triangulation […]

After 27 years of marriage, my husband left me for someone else. I am just wondering if this “narcissism” is just made up as a way of dealing with the hurt. I made many mistakes in the marriage and he said he doesn’t want to live out the rest of his years unhappy.

I so needed to read this tonight. After 10 months of no contact, guess who wants to stop over? I put him off, but the doubts start creeping in… maybe he’s changed, maybe he’ll be like he was when we first met and adored me – before he devalued and dumped me and then came back and left over and over.

It’s so hard; I have wasted years of my life, seven to be exact. He did to me exactly what he did to his first wife – dear lord ladies – read this, heed this. I’ve lost so much because of this man and your posts are like a direct lift from my life events. He’s addicted to alcohol, sex and porn and attends AA meetings all over town seeking out new sources – preying upon vulnerable and addicted women as if he’s so wise and can impart knowledge to help them – and then bam, he’s stringing along another 3 or 5 again. Being wanted and desired is all he lives for – making women pine for him and denying them full access to his oh so cool and privileged inner life. Unbelievable.

And he was swinging back through my door every few months for six years. Six years that I’ll never have back – that I gave up friends and family relationships for because they couldn’t stand to see me wasting my time on this narc hole… six years that I could have put into improving myself, my life, my situation, moving on and maybe even being able to meet someone else instead of sitting on a shelf with my life on hold because maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe he’ll want me back again… so sad writing this.

Again ladies – take heed. If any of this sounds familiar – you’re likely in for the same ending, so stop it from happening to you – derail that train and set off in a new direction because this guy won’t change and he does not love you. Don’t waste years of your life hoping for a different outcome.

This posts covers it perfectly! Well written!

[…] in narcissistic abuse, Kim Saeed from Let Me Reach, explains the scenario perfectly in her post The narcissist, the ex and the new girlfriend – the art of triangulation. What if my abuser’s wife was successful in her quest? My abuser would’ve succeeded in […]

45 years of the narc hole lies and broken promises. No Contact is the only way to go. He has ruined us financially and is becoming an outcast instead of the big man in town. Too bad. Divorce still 3 mos. down the road. I have a new man in my life and he is one kind soul. I never knew a guy could treat a woman this splendidly. Why did I take so long..maybe because my Mom was a narcissist, as well. We have four grown children and he has already shut one out. I expect others to follow, if he doesn’t bring them down with him. Get away and stay away. You are woth it!

Yep. What you’re describing is so very typical. Excellent article.

My heart just hit bottom….this IS my life… I’ve been holding on for 15 years waiting for him to actually “be” in our life. There is a hold that is undeniable and indescribable. When he left me I felt so discarded and so rejected. His constant promising he’s coming back because he made the worst mistake of his life, has made me feel not so discarded and rejected. It’s all a game…. right? And the new girlfriend that he cheated with for the last 18 months of my marriage, has the nerve to call me and tell me I’m interfering in THEIR relationship…… heaven help me develop amnesia… please.

Reblogged. Kim – you give me flashbacks, send shivers down my spine and provide so much comfort with your posts. It’s like you were there with me. All I can say is: thank you.

Reblogged this on Happiness Weekly and commented:
Having trouble understanding your cheating partner? Have you become the ex-wife left without explanation for another woman or discovered yourself “the other woman” with a series of excuses as to why he can’t truly leave his wife? Does it happen that he is always “nearly leaving” his new girlfriend, or his wife is a “crazy psychopath”? If any of this rings true, read this outstanding blog by the exceptionally talented Kim Saeed for some great insight into what a narcissist partner is really playing at! Thanks, Kim!

Reblogged this on Narc Raiders and commented:
There’s nothing more to say…she nails it…

OMG!!! This just happened to me!!! My husband called me out of the blue and asked If i missed him because he misses me and dreams about me. Then he followed with his girlfriend wants him to move in with her and take care of him like his mother would. Then he comes over to see the kids ( at least that was what he told her) and began telling me that he missed me and wanted to be with me but I don’t make as much money as she does and therefore he is confused. He told me that he is in love with the both of us..SMH! I feel really torn because I would love to have my family back together but at the same time which is most important to me is the well being of my children. When ever I do the NO CONTACT and have to speak with him in between, he always has a new story to tell about this woman…

It seems hard to believe that we could want someone like that in our lives, but I understand very well. I’m on a slow journey to realizing that people who don’t treat others courteously don’t need to be in my life. I always fell so hard for those shiny personalities. I am beginning to see that good-heartedness is the shiniest trait of them all. If you lack basic courtesy, no other traits matter.

O, the dog…and that’s an insult to dogs!

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the triangle is their favorite shape- never the circle, which is inclusive and whole for everyone.

I love the way you described all of this. Very informative.

Oddly enough, I slept with my Wasband for a few years, when the moment presented itself. I was an idiot, admittedly, but hey, good sex, am I right? I never stopped to wonder what the girlfriend (or I should say any one of the 5 or 6 he was cultivating at all times) was thinking he was doing. He was always very careful to shower, and clean up before he left, but what did she think was happening when he arrived home at 2am, with wet hair and a fresh scent?

I have come to the conclusion that victims of the Narcissist and serial cheater, only hear and see what our brains want to. Aside from the up front admission that he was with someone else, I genuinely didn’t remember him ever saying that to me. When I say up front, I mean after years of therapy I remembered.

I hope your blog is helping people get back to a healthy state! E

Soooooooo true!!

I just wish I was as informed before I waisted 4 years of my life, had twins by this pig, lost my job and most of all self esteem and my mind. I wish this was a crime and these pigs could be locked up and throw away the key.