Enneagram

Your Enneagram Type and The Narcissist: Are You An Easy Target?

Sharing is caring
  •  
  • 74
  •  
  •  
  •  

Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the wrong people? Are you stuck in a toxic, narcissistic cycle, and you aren’t sure how to get out? Do you feel insecure because you keep taking care of others instead of yourself?

Narcissists can and will latch onto anyone who validates their existence. They depend on this validation for their survival. And some people are more willing to validate the narcissist than others.

As it turns out, your enneagram type may play an influential role in whom you attract. Your enneagram type offers vital information about your personality, strengths, and weaknesses. It can also shed light on the relationships you have with others. Let’s unpack what you need to know.

What Are Enneagram Types?

There are nine separate personality types. Anyone can take the official test to determine their type. The test itself isn’t very long, although people sometimes do find themselves torn between some of the answers.

Most people have bits of themselves within all the categories. However, we all tend to have one personality type that dominates above the others. This is known as your enneagram type.

The nine Enneagram types are:

  • The Reformer
  • The Helper
  • The Achiever 
  • The Individualist
  • The Investigator
  • The Loyalist
  • The Enthusiast
  • The Challenger
  • The Peacemaker 

According to the theory behind enneagrams, 

  • The personality type is fixed and does not change over time.
  • The descriptions are universal and have nothing to do with someone’s biological sex.
  • You don’t have to meet the criteria fully because we all fluctuate throughout life.
  • There is no significance behind which type has which number.
  • No personality type is better or worse than another. As mentioned, each of them has unique strengths and weaknesses. However, some cultures or people may prefer certain types over others.

Related Video:

Enneagram Type Two: The Helper

Twos are empathic and kindhearted. They value close relationships. Subsequently, they are generous to others and tend to be people-pleasing by nature. Above anything, they want to be loved- at the same time, their greatest fear is not being worthy of love.

Helpers can go out of their way to serve others. When twos are healthy, they are compassionate and considerate to others. They exude warmth and friendship. They listen attentively and give without a second thought.

However, unhealthy twos often lack a core concept of self. Because they don’t have a strong sense of identity, they depend on the validation from others. They give because they believe the needs of others are more significant than their own.

The Narcissist Trap

Narcissists often flock to helpers. That’s because narcissists thrive on constant attention and validation. They depend on others to give to them. Moreover, they crave comfort- they’ll latch on to whatever feels familiar so they can unleash their abuse without someone noticing too quickly.

Helpers tend to be extremely empathic by nature. After all, they want to see the good in people. As a result, if they are with a narcissist, they may dismiss or deny their abuse. They might rationalize their behavior because they had a rough upbringing or a previous trauma. They might even assume it’s all their fault, and that if they could just make them happier, the narcissist would change.

Helpers can find themselves stuck in vicious cycles of excess giving, giving, giving. They may give until they feel downright depleted. Over time, this giving can chip away at one’s identity. Years may pass, and they wake up realizing they have no idea who they really are. 

How To Deal If You’re Feeling Trapped 

Helpers are often empaths, and they usually feel obligated to save others. The first step is recognizing this tendency. How often do you help others at the expense of helping yourself? How have you enabled the narcissist’s behavior? 

You must identify what has kept you trapped in the cycle. Do you simply hop from one narcissist to the next? Do you lose sight of your goals when you get love-bombed? Do you keep assuming that they’ll finally change? 

First, unconditional love doesn’t work in narcissistic relationships. No matter how much you give, it will never be enough. In fact, the more you give, the more the narcissist expects. Likewise, they never return the favor.

Second, it’s essential to realize that the narcissist won’t change their behavior, at least not long-term. Change starts with you and your boundaries. If you continue helping and forgiving and condoning their actions, the cycle will continue. 

Enneagram Type 9: The Peacemaker

Nines are accepting, stable, and trusting of others. They aim to keep people happy, and they often do their best to avoid conflict. They value stability within themselves and others, and they experience a fear of loss and separation.

Peacemakers tend to be creative and supportive. They are often adaptive and known as people who can “go with the flow.” When nines are healthy, they can stay grounded and keep things in perspective. They don’t let too much faze them, and they don’t let others get under their skin. As a result, they can remain calm even in tumultuous situations.

However, unhealthy nines often distract themselves from reality. To maintain peace with others, they may sacrifice their own needs. Rather than address problems, they avoid or deny them. As a result, they may be completely detached from their mounting issues.

The Narcissist Trap

Narcissists can be drawn to peacemakers for several reasons. First, they depend on other people catering to their needs without making a fuss. Peacemakers are often willing to do that- it’s easier to keep things as they are than make waves. 

Moreover, peacemakers may not want to truly look at the problems that exist in the relationship. They may know what it’s like to feel unloved or neglected, and they don’t want to inflict those painful feelings on the narcissist. Even if they suffer, they often suffer in silence. Again, it often feels too scary to express them aloud and offend someone. 

Peacemakers, however, do tend to experience intense emotions. They just don’t necessarily display them. Instead, they keep them tucked deep inside, almost to pretend they don’t exist. As a result, they may often experience deep resentment, low self-esteem, and a great deal of shame.

How To Deal If You’re Feeling Trapped 

Optimism is a wonderful asset, but sometimes peacemakers need to look at things for what they are. While removing the rose-colored glasses can feel scary, living a lie is far scarier. 

First, it’s important to remember that your peace matters, too. It’s not just about keeping other people happy. If you continue to avoid conflict because you don’t want to upset others, you’ll only hurt yourself.

It’s important to consider how you’ve sacrificed your happiness to keep the peace. Do you keep returning to the same relationship because you hate hurting their feelings? Has the narcissist tricked you into believing they’ll commit or grow or change for you? 

You must keep in mind that narcissists won’t respect when you prioritize your peace. You doing so threatens their own warped identity. It also jeopardizes their ability to stand up tall and “be right” all the time. As a result, they’ll do whatever they can to manipulate you into returning to your typical, peacemaking status quo.

Related video:

What Enneagram Type Do Narcissists Have?

Most narcissists are challengers (although not all challengers are narcissists!). When they’re healthy, challengers tend to be protective and resourceful. They make for natural, confident leaders, and they can do well in managerial and entrepreneurial roles. They speak their minds, and others often respect them for doing so.

However, unhealthy challengers tend to have narcissistic traits because they have oversized egos. They trample on others to ensure their needs are met. They often have problems with their temper when things don’t go their way. 

Challengers are often persistent- to a fault- and won’t back down, even when they absolutely should. Unhealthy challengers also resist being controlled, and being “in charge” is of utmost importance to them. As a result, challengers struggle to connect with other people. If they even have an inkling someone wants to control them, they tend to react negatively. 

It’s important to keep in mind that any relationship advice related to the Enneagram types will not help you improve your relationship with a narcissist.  This is largely due to their lack of empathy, avoidant attachment style, and emotional unavailability.  When it comes to the connection gene, there is simply no one home when it comes to narcissists.

Healing From Narcissism Despite Your Enneagram Type

Your enneagram type doesn’t doom you into certain relationships. Everyone is susceptible to a narcissist’s charm. However, your enneagram type can predispose you into staying in such relationships because you value being a kind and loving person.

The first part of healing from narcissistic abuse is acceptance. Accept the reality of the relationship. Accept who the other person is. Accept that your emotions, even if they feel complicated, are very real. The more you can accept your reality, the more objective you can be in taking care of yourself.

Next, it’s about letting go. You have to detach from your own expectations and let go of the belief that you need the narcissist to validate you. You need to let go of false promises or unmet needs or unmanifested dreams. While it’s challenging, walking away is one of the bravest steps you can ever take.

Finally, taking a no-contact approach allows you to heal from the abuse fully. Although it may sound extreme, this is the single best way to break the cycle and restore your happiness. 

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is hard, and it’s okay to admit you need help. Unfortunately, too many advisers and consultants respond to narcissistic abuse in a way that can leave the victim feeling confused and invalidated.

If this sounds like your situation and you’re ready to go deeper, check out the #1 therapist-approved online program for narcissistic abuse recovery. Thousands of people have benefited from this program that’s practical, proven, and reliable.  It’s the best place to begin a journey toward renewed self-worth and an end to feeling worthless.

Your healed life starts with one step...


Claim your free Email Recovery Course and Healing Roadmap. Includes expert advice and tips for encouragement and support. * Seating in my masterclass: 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell PLUS +* How would your life be different without narcissistic abuse? * 30-Day New Life calendar + more!

Powered by ConvertKit

Sharing is caring
  •  
  • 74
  •  
  •  
  •  

Leave a Comment:

2 comments
Rugia says June 24, 2020

Thank you Kim!
Your article did really help me see the traits that flow within me. I knew am an empath, but this paves the way.
I sought divorce and walk back again to the narcissists arms only to receive a deadly abuse before I finally left.

Reply
Marcia Lussier says June 15, 2020

Well, as it turns out, I am mainly number for, the individualist, who is highly attuned to their emotional experiences, next number 8 the Challenger I stand up for what I believe in and I speak my mind and consider myself powerful, and number five investigator, I seek understanding and knowledge. I honestly believe that these three strongest traits in me is what made me able to break away from him. I was constantly standing up for myself, asking questions and demanding answers, looking for more knowledge about what was going on, and definitely plugged into my emotions. However, my fourth trait is number to The giver the helper. and that is the one that allowed me to get hooked in, it wanted to help him get better. But the other three traits I have are extremely strong and I believe that they overshadowed the helper. Thank goodness. I have said that, that I felt like I was fighting it all the way, I would leave him every other week, only to return after a couple of weeks, and to get fed up again and leave again. I was struggling to get out of it the entire while I was in it. So basically, people have called me stubborn, and I believe it is my stubbornness that finally got me out of it. I refused in the end to be controlled or manipulated anymore. I wish everybody luck on their journey, and I wish I could share some of myself, especially the Challenger,. Interesting to find that a narcissist is usually a Challenger. So he met up with a Challenger, and he lost. He won for a while, but ultimately, he lost. And this makes me realize that I am even stronger than I think I am. I think a lot of people are. I wish everyone luck in breaking away, I’m out of it now for 5 months! And I wish everybody peace and contentment and freedom from anxiety and worry. No contact is the way to go!

Reply
Add Your Reply