Forgiving the Narcissist – Is Your Ego the Culprit?

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There are several factors at play when choosing to remain in a toxic relationship.  But did you know your ego may be the most prevalent?

In fact, your ego is just as convincing as the Narcissist in your life.  But the difference between your ego and your abusive partner is…your ego doesn’t mean to be cruel.  It’s acting out of fear of abandonment and low self-esteem.

Your ego is the reason you obsess about your partner after they discard you.  It’s the reason you invite the Narc back in after a brief stint of No Contact.  It’s the reason you believe…maybe this time he’ll change.

Your logic and intuition know that things will never change with the Narcissist, but we often listen to our ego instead.

To give you an idea of how your ego works, here is an example:

Narcissist:  “I didn’t mean those things I said, I was just angry.  You know I can’t live without you.  You’re my one true love.  I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you.  Please give me one more chance.  I’ll prove to you how much I love you.”

Your Logic and Intuition:  “You know from experience this won’t end well.  Did he/she change the last fifty times?  No.  You need to respect yourself and tell him/her it’s over.  He’s lying, don’t fall for it.”

Your Ego: “What if he really means it?  Look at his face…he must be sincere.  Remember that time he brought you flowersWhat if he’s serious this time and you give up on him too soonThen, you’ll be all alone and will have thrown away his love.  Besides, you may never find love again.  You know you need to lose weight.  You know there are pretty women out there.  What if you’re giving up a good thing?  Let’s be realistic.”

Notice how your ego says the same things as your abuser?  It’s almost a no-win situation because you have two voices telling you to stay with the Narcissist.  But…you are forgetting about your logic and intuition.  They are the reason you feel a little sick after forgiving the Narcissist again.

As long as the ego runs your life, most of your thoughts, emotions, and actions arise from fear. In relationships you then either want or fear something from the other person.” ~ Eckharte Tolle

The next time you feel weak and are thinking of caving in to your ego’s demands, simply say to yourself, “Thank you for caring about me, but the fact is I’ll be in more pain from staying than by taking the risk to leave.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore.”

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Shannon says October 12, 2014

I have spent the better part of 3 full days contemplating my ego. I must fully admit that it is in fact my ego that sometimes has me ruminating. I sometimes get so full of “How dare he?!!” indignation along with feelings of helplessness which leads me to depressing pity parties held for one.

At these times I briefly consider the fact that I did not really care for him “in that way” in the first place, but instead got swept up in the “love bombing” and remained in the FOG for 11 years. I danced the dance. I fought the fight. I wanted him to know that I never found him worthy, but tolerated him. My ego in full effect!

I am learning to let go of this internal battle, having since gone No Contact for 6 months and without seeing him for two years. I *do* very much consider my childhood experiences as well. Closing this chapter begins and ends with me and me alone. <3

betternotbroken says September 21, 2014

You are so brave to call it like it so often is, once people realize they have been a victim it is difficult to examine their role in enabling the abuse and continuing their own suffering. “I DO NOT HAVE AN EGO! THE NARCISSIST DOES DO NOT BLAME VICTIMS!” one woman yelled at me. Okay, whatever you say, but I did, I do and nothing but healing and good comes from checking it lest I become a victim again. Great work, I hope people who are ready to process this find this post!

theabilitytolove says September 20, 2014

Great post, Kim.

This is why I’m convinced that the manipulation or love bombing phase of the relationship is the most dangerous. The disordered one takes a vulnerability that we have, such as low self esteem, etc, and inflates ego to rising ‘soul mate’ status. When the deprivation phase begins, ego spends the rest of the relationship in NEED…trying to get back what was in the beginning, in FEAR that what seemed so real (our inflated ego) with the psychopath will be returned to us…so when ego is baited, it’s a temporary salve to extremes in need that arise from the psychopath’s deprivation.

But I think there is another side to this too.

I’m not a huge Eckhart Tolle fan and I don’t agree that fear is always the result of ego, particularly when it comes to trauma. I think trauma is far to complicated a thing to place blame entirely on ego and can run dangerously close to blaming the victim. There is little that compares to the traumatic relationship with a disordered one. Particularly involving those with pathological parents. I don’t mean to imply that ego does not play a part, but there are just way too many factors that go into getting into the relationship in the first place, but undoubtedly ego is heavily exploited in the beginning. The idea in the end and with recovery is to find out why we were vulnerable in the first place. I think it’s safe to say we all have ego, but not one that is healthy when we get involved with one of the most dangerous and toxic individuals on the planet.

Thank you for such a thought provoking post.

    Miss Min says September 22, 2014

    That’s a very articulate way to describe the process. The love-bombing phase really is extremely dangerous and sets us up for a fall from the greatest of heights.

Carla G says September 20, 2014

Great post right at the right time! Narcs seem to have a radar that alerts them to when we are finally done and enjoying life. I forgive everyone for my own inner peace but I will never get back with my ex or fall for his crap. I have noticed that when I have forgiven him I felt like I was cheating myself and felt so depressed. Low energy is what I experienced around him and took days sometimes weeks to detox from him every chance I gave him. It’s too exhausting. Love is not hurt and confusion.

Anonymous says September 19, 2014

Totally perfect finally found out what it is that has been driving me I am not crazy after all just have to stop with the fear and the self-punishment and say good bye once and for all it’s gonna be tough!

Miss Min says September 19, 2014

The line that struck me most is where you point out that we have two voices telling us the same thing. That’s such a clear and powerful way to put it! I’ve been struggling these past few days with this very issue – feeling sad, missing him, believing I’m worthless because I ‘lost’ him, etc, etc, etc. Time for me to tell that ego of mine to step aside. 🙂 Thank you for such a timely and effective reminder.

bamboozled1 says September 19, 2014

fear of the unknown yeah? better the devil you know even… you just have to keep telling yourself you will be ok!!!!

Rachel Hernandez says September 19, 2014

Wow, reading this is exactly what I needed today. It’s as if you’re truly reading my thoughts & feelings & it’s still hurtful. But it’s the truth; and the truth shall set me free. Thank you for all the great articles !

Shannon Porter says September 19, 2014

The two emotions that guide us all, fear or love. I know that “sick feeling” that you get from forgiving the unforgivable. Never again! Great post Kim!

    Kim Saeed says September 19, 2014

    Thank you, Shannon!

lookingthroughanotherseyes says September 19, 2014

Reblogged this on Outside The Box and commented:
Really great post, I hope it helps some of my readers. My ego? I left it on the 4.55 ferry from Holyhead.

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