(**Warning – Trigger alert)
When he looks at you (perhaps adoringly, for effect) and says he still loves you, “in spite of your downward social status, unstable mental capacity, and the fact that you only care about money”, it’s a lie.
That’s not to say you’re unlovable, or that what he said is true. It simply means HE doesn’t love you. A person in love doesn’t make this declaration while telling you all the reasons why he shouldn’t love you. That is covert abuse.
On the flip side, if he thinks you’re serious about leaving he may leave out the character attack and simply claim to love you. You know, the whole ‘he’s come to realize his mistakes, promises to take responsibility, and vows to change’.
How many times did he do this before, only to forget the whole episode as though it never happened (perhaps adding that he didn’t mean it)?
Narcissistic and psychopathic abusers are very capable of making statements such as:
- I love you.
- I just want you to be happy.
- No one will ever love you like I do.
- The last thing I want is to hurt you.
- We’re meant for each other.
- You’ll never find someone like me.
These are statements they’ve experimented with and observed to be most effective.
Narcissists know exactly what you want to hear and how to say it because they’ve perfected their act during their time with you. However, you’ll notice the declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things they say and do. The authentic relationship you believe you have is only an illusion. The reality is that it’s a relationship based on inequality because they will never see you as an equal, but someone to dominate.
What you’ll never get from you abusive partner are qualities such as true companionship, intimacy, validation, or goodwill, which are all examples of a true, loving bond. Instead you will get competition, manipulation, control, invalidation, and hostility.
When the Narcissist says, “I love you”, he means he still has use for you; he still wants to control you.
If you experience any of the following, you are in an abusive relationship and should consider leaving:
Character Attacks
A tactic used to make you eventually believe the bad things he says about you. He wants you to stop having faith in yourself. (See paragraph one). Statements such as, “You’re impossible to talk to”, “You always twist things around”, “You exaggerate everything” (These statements are made by the Narcissist when you try to have a civil conversation in order to relieve himself of having to consider your perspective. Alternately, targets of verbal abuse may make these statements in moments of frustration; two different things).
The Narcissist will often also add other comments such as, “You’re too damned sensitive”, “You’re such a cry baby”.
They are masters at making you seem like the unstable one…which is simply an effect from the constant psychological conditioning, gas-lighting, and blame-shifting. Have you started to think maybe he’s right…perhaps you are coming off at the hinges? This means his mind control is working.
Undermining
Does he squash your curiosity and enthusiasm during conversations with condescending comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”? Does he ambush your ideas by highlighting all the ways in which they might fail? Does he refuse to allow you much-needed time alone?
Trivializing
Does he belittle what you say? Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Does he act as if your career is no big deal?
Name-calling
Does he call you demeaning names such as: Fat*ss, C*nt, Ugly, Loser, Wh*re, Trash, Idiot, Stupid, Dumb*ss, etc?
On the flip-side, does he call you “pet” names with extreme sarcasm, “Honey”…in an exaggerated, drawn out manner and in a louder voice?
Does he call you names and then claim he was kidding, in a “convincing” manner?
Refusal to discuss his feelings
He comes home in an irritable mood and you ask him what’s wrong. His immediate response may be something like, “What is it with you?? Can’t I come home without being interviewed every single time??
The reason he does this is because he doesn’t feel you deserve any explanations. In his mind, your place is to shut up and leave him alone. His goal is that you will eventually accept his abuse without saying anything about it.
It’s also possible that he’s fabricating a fight so he can give you the Silent Treatment while he schmoozes the secret supply source he’s working on.
Refusal to discuss your feelings
You tell him you’d like to have a discussion about how things are going and he says, “Oh God. Here we go again”, “You’re always trying to start a fight”, “You never leave me alone, do you?”
Part of a truly loving relationship is the ability to communicate openly and diplomatically. The Narcissist’s goal is to shut down any attempts at communication because he simply doesn’t care about your feelings, with the exception of using them to his own advantage. If he can successfully humiliate you and make you feel that your feelings aren’t important, he succeeds in making you feel shunned and ostracized, two tactics which have devastating effects on a person’s sense of self.
Left you for someone else, and playing the “Torn between two lovers” act
Did your Narcissist put on a convincing show of how you forced him into the arms of another lover, and then pretend he’s so “addicted” to you that he can’t leave you alone?
Reality – He may not have the new supply hooked yet, or perhaps he’s discovered that triangulation results in copius amounts of narcissistic supply. Therefore, while he’s with her, he’s giving her all his best: Love-bombing, awesome sex, fancy trips, gifts, introducing her to his circle of friends. That’s right. Though he has you believing he’s still hooked on you, he’s telling everyone he knows that it’s over between the two of you and slowly infiltrating the new supply. Once he has her emotionally addicted to him, you’ll be discarded, perhaps becoming the other woman. After all, he has to have someone to release his toxicity onto…and since you’ve always been the “reliable receptacle”, he comes back to you when he’s feeling especially cranky.
It Won’t Get Better
If your partner has been treating you this way, it’s a classic sign of abusive, psychological conditioning. Narcissists stop at nothing in order to win. They never give up – they are relentless. They will drive you to the point of insanity (and the brink of suicide) if you let them. Don’t hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel with your abusive partner because it will only get darker as you go along.
“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
~ Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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