Wondering how to win a narcissist back after devaluation?
If you’re asking this question, perhaps the narcissist in your life is giving you the silent treatment or has discarded you for another source of supply. Or, maybe you left them after realizing they would never stop the emotional abuse, and now you’re having second thoughts.
Trauma bonding, low self-esteem, and magical thinking are the main reasons a narcissist’s former source of supply would ask this question. Thus, it’s important for you to understand why you believe you want the narcissist back, as well as the steps to take if you still feel the need to learn things the hard way.
The Silent Treatment
If the narcissist you know is giving you the silent treatment, then he or she will be back. How do you know? Most cases of the silent treatment are simply a form of punishment.
You asked for something they have no intention of giving you (fidelity, respect, honesty, financial help). Or, perhaps you discovered concrete evidence of their cheating. In order to make sure you turn a blind eye, they dole out the worst thing possible to someone in love – utter disregard.
This can last up to several months, depending on his or her indiscretions and whether they have another source of supply.
The fastest way to win back a narcissist after devaluation is to ignore them, too. Even if they have another source of supply, they cannot resist the challenge of “winning” you back. Not out of love, but simply as an ego trophy. However, don’t make the mistake of assuming that since they made the effort to win you back that they’ve changed. They haven’t.
They’ll get bored again and find another reason to bounce.
You should keep in mind that the more you accept them back into your life, the harder it will be for you to detach from their toxic influence. Further, they often fabricate situations to incite a quarrel so they can again implement the silent treatment. The reasons for this vary, but if they do it on a regular basis, they likely have another source of supply that they’re grooming behind your back. They’re just keeping you in the queue until something more permanent comes along.
This is also how many females become “The Other Woman”.
All of these reasons are why the smart thing to do is implement No Contact when they engage in the Silent Treatment.
Discarded
If you’ve been discarded by the narcissist, you undoubtedly believe it’s because you weren’t good enough. This is because he or she told you so. They made snide remarks such as, “You’re getting old”, “You don’t take care of yourself like you used to”, “You’ve gained weight”, “I don’t feel sexually attracted to you anymore”, and so on.
Most cases of “being discarded” are not true discards at all. They’re simply another way the narcissist manipulates you. But, the worst part is that when a Narcissist’s target hears these words, they believe them.
This particular scenario makes me almost as angry as them using their children as tools. Allow me to dispel these false statements.
- “You’ve gained weight.” – This is a very common side effect of emotional abuse. Some people cannot eat when they’re anxious, but others turn to food to ease their pain. I was in the second group. I’d lost all of my weight after having my third child and felt good about myself…until I got back with my Ex. Over the course of one year, I’d gained back fifty pounds.
Recognize this as a symptom, not as a measure of self-worth. If you don’t feel good about your body, you can do something about it. Not for the Narcissist, but for yourself. Truth be told, if you attempt to lose weight for them, they will likely mock you for it. (Another good reason to give them the boot).
Alternately, you may not have gained an ounce, but your partner may say this just to tear down your confidence.
- “You don’t take care of yourself like you used to” – No one gets out of bed looking like Miss (or Mr.) Universe. In fact, if you’re a stay-at-home mom or work from home, it’s easier to fall into going casual, which often means no makeup and/or hanging out in your pj’s. The Narcissist pounces on these occasions to make you feel less-than.
Even if you’ve groomed yourself, including hair and makeup, the Narcissist will still make this comment. Why? You’ve taken the time and made the effort to fix yourself up, and maybe even feel good about the results, but the Narcissist wants you to feel that in spite of your efforts, you’re still not good enough. That’s how they operate. The truth is, they may not even have an opinion about what you look like at any given moment, but they will make digs at you to chip away at your self-esteem.
- “You’re getting old.” or, “My new girlfriend thinks you’re too old for me.” – This is said mainly to women as it’s often the case that men are considered more attractive as they age.
This is the age when a woman is most beautiful. She’s matured, moved past insecurities, and is wiser and/or more educated (which may or may not have anything to do with an academic degree). The truth of the matter is that if you detach from your toxic, immature, nincompoop of a partner, there would be someone out there who would recognize your worth.
The sad part is, many women stay in a toxic situation and constantly seek validation from the very person who took it away from them. If this describes you, throw that louse out on his ear, get your confidence back, and you will go on to find a person who appreciates your inner and outer beauty. Stop looking for gold in mud puddles.
- “I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore.” – This is another common stock-phrase used by narcissistic ninnies, both male and female, and includes your partner if they say this to you.
Make a conscious effort to not take this statement personally, even if they are withholding sex from you to drive the “point”. Remind yourself that when your partner says this, it’s a form of emotional bullying. Take out the trash, polish up your self-esteem, and you’ll eventually find someone who won’t be able to keep their hands off of you.
If you desire to attract the Narcissist back into your life in spite of hearing the above statements, you are trauma-bonded and seeking validation from a source that will never supply you with it.
The only thing that will happen is that you will continue to feel worse and worse about yourself. As a matter of fact, the more you forgive the Narcissist for saying these things, the worse they will treat you. Because although you may make an excellent source of supply, inside they’ve lost respect for you…because you first lost respect for yourself.
Regain your power.
How to get the narcissist back if you’re still determined
While there is no fool-proof way to get the narcissist back, here are a few pointers that typically work:
Pretend to break up with them. Act as if they mean nothing, and simply wait for the hoovering to begin. Once they are back in your life, become completely submissive, cater to their every whim, accept that they will still fool around with people they cheated on you with, and basically become a doormat for them.
Turn a blind eye when texts from other people come in on their phone or you catch them on a dating site. Accept their verbal abuse and even agree with them when they put you down.
Voila.
However, while it may feel you have won and are looking forward to an improved future together, keep in mind that narcissists have zero respect towards people who have become doormats, even though they enjoy extracting copious amounts of narcissistic supply from them. Therefore, even if you are able to ‘win them back’, it’s only because you are an old shoe to them.
And once they are tired of the old shoe, they will continue to look for new and shiny ones. Instead of becoming their favorite, you will be thrown to the back of the closet and forgotten.
You don’t need to win the narcissist back, you need to win yourself back.
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