I talk with many people who have ended a relationship with a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B personality type). Some go on to remain single for years out of fear of attracting another disordered person, while others in fact go on to attract other Narcissists into their lives, either as romantic partners or friends.
Sadly, this seems to perpetuate the false belief that there is something wrong with the person in question; that they are not worthy of attracting more than people who will take advantage of them on varying levels. If you are reading this article, you may be experiencing these confusing and contradictory circumstances. It seems that no matter how much you give to your partner, the worse they mistreat you and the more they seem to disrespect you.
What if I told you that this happens because of how you feel about yourself on a deep, unconscious level? Granted, you may be a giving, considerate person. You recognize that you have the ability to care for and deeply love another person, but you just can’t find someone who appreciates it. Perhaps you have an impressive resume, are creative, popular, and intelligent, but you have the proverbial white elephant following you through life, stamping out all of your efforts as they relate to your personal, intimate relationships.
It’s enough to make one give up on love, and many do. But there’s a better way. One that will not only improve your relationships with others, but also the most important one of all, which is the relationship you have with yourself.
The Snowball Effect
Most people who’ve been the target of a Narcissist had a painful childhood where they didn’t feel loved. This can happen if they had a Narcissistic parent, but also if they had a parent who was in the military, an alcoholic, a workaholic, or absent (and/or condescending) in some other way.
Typically, we develop our sense of self up to the age of seven or eight. Then, we go through life harboring that fragile sense of self and reacting to life from it. We can also develop insecurities during other periods of life, such our teenage years, or as freshmen in college. Or, perhaps you worked hard for a promotion at work, but were overlooked when the boss gave the job to their pet. Maybe you experienced a combination of these events; events which led to your accepting unacceptable behaviors in your romantic partner(s) because you felt it necessary in order to keep them by your side. Over time, you developed the limiting belief that life and love just have elements of pain to them and there’s nothing that can prevent that. By the time you hit your thirties or forties, you’ve left behind a wake of broken relationships, never finding the person who complements your soul and feeling jaded about life in general.
God and The Universe have been telling you it’s time for a change, but you’ve been changing the wrong part of the equation – your partners. In order to truly experience fulfillment, you need to change some things about yourself, mainly your negative conditioning and limiting beliefs about yourself and relationships.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” ~ Pema Chödrön
The Law of Attraction
Let’s cover a few of the factors that keep you attracting the wrong partners into your life, especially if you’ve come out of a relationship with a Narcissist.
1 – Most people who’ve been in a toxic relationship go on to discover their partner is a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B). This occurs after months of research, which oftentimes turns into years. Many targets understand more than even licensed therapists on the subject.
While educating oneself about Narcissism and its behaviors is important, there comes a time when you should stop collecting information and change your direction. If all you think about is Narcissism and your partner’s hurtful behaviors, the Law of Attraction ensures that you will keep getting more of the same.
Instead of keeping yourself in that low vibrational place, spend time discovering why your abuser’s behaviors were hurtful to you. Start an emotion journal. Each time you’re triggered, take time to feel the emotion instead of repressing it. Jot down your initial thoughts and go back each time you have a new revelation.
Example: You ruminate on the fact that your partner said you are trashy, worthless, and/or unattractive. You feel hurt and offended. Start to analyze their remarks using reality-based thinking. Because they said those things about you doesn’t make them true. Think about your successes and accomplishments. Think about your blessings. Recall the people who told you that you’re attractive. You will soon realize that your partner was using the lowest, most juvenile behaviors to tear down your self-esteem. That makes you far above their league.
2 – Do the self-work to heal your brokenness. Instead of viewing the end of the relationship as the end of life, think of it as the new beginning that it is. The time you invested in learning about Narcissism should now be spent learning about you…especially that it’s likely you don’t know who you are anymore. Change that. If you don’t, you won’t heal your hurts, and you will keep attracting toxic people until you learn the lessons that keep being presented to you. In the beginning, it will take concentrated effort to change your habits, but the time will pass anyway. You may as well put it to good use!
“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chödrön
3 – Whether it takes six months or a couple of years, you can get to a place where you love yourself and life again. But, it will be a process of discovery, which requires time and consistent effort. Avoid falling back into self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Each time you have a negative thought, replace it with a positive one.
Example:
Self-defeating thought – “My partner never appreciated anything I did. I must not have been good enough…maybe everything was my fault, after all. I guess I could have been more understanding.”
Self-mastery thought – “I did the best I could, but due to my partner’s disorder, they never had (nor would have developed) the capacity to acknowledge it. I am a giving, loving person and I deserve to be treated with respect. I will never let someone mistreat me again.”
As Wayne Dyer says, “Change your thoughts, change your life”. In closing, I leave you with a powerful pdf, The Essential Wayne Dyer Collection, which contains Wayne’s interpretations of how our thoughts create our reality and how, if we make the conscious effort to change our negative thoughts, we can change our whole course in life.
**If you find you’d like to purchase any of Wayne Dyer’s books or audio cds, here’s the link.
These are all great resources that will help you transform your negative beliefs about life and love into positive, loving ones. When you get to the point of self-awareness where you realize that all life loves and supports you, your vibrational levels will be such that you will attract the right person into your life as if by magic!
“Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear? ” ~ Pema Chödrön
