Narcissism and Suicide Threats

Will the Narcissist Really Attempt Suicide if I Leave?

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Narcissism and Suicide Threats – When a victim of narcissistic abuse gathers enough strength to leave the relationship, the last resort for the narcissist may be to threaten suicide after realizing hoovering and crying no longer work. 

If the narcissist you know keeps bringing it up, you may want to look into whether they have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is very similar to NPD, but with its own specific set of behaviors.  The two disorders are often confused with one another because they belong in the same cluster and share certain traits.  Additionally, a person can have both disorders simultaneously (comorbidity).

Those with Borderline Personality Disorder often have a history of violent and unpredictable mood swings, and typically have a history of harming themselves, such as cutting, drug abuse, or even overspending.  These behaviors help relieve the internal pain the disordered person feels, but this relief is only momentary.[1]

Borderline Personality Disorder has the highest rate of suicide than any other disorder. According to studies, about 70 percent of those diagnosed with BPD have attempted suicide. Eight to 10 percent of those diagnosed will complete suicide, a rate 50 times higher than that of the general population.

If you believe your partner may have BPD, remember, it’s not up to you whether they live or die.  Many times, the threat of suicide is meant to make you feel helpless.  Other times, these threats come from a genuine place of feeling abandoned.  Either way, you are left feeling powerless. 

You should call 911, but know that the BPD person may leave the scene or act completely normal once help arrives, attempting to make you seem like the unstable one.  However, if their talk of suicide is, in fact, meant to manipulate you, their knowing you will call the proper authorities may make them think twice. 

Managing a BPD’s suicide threats is difficult, even for trained counselors.  The best thing you can do is find a good therapist for yourself, learn the best ways to manage the narcissist’s unstable behaviors, and consider leaving the relationship if it has become overwhelming and stressful for you. 

Narcissistic Suicide Threats as Emotional Blackmail

While narcissists typically don’t harm themselves in this way, the risk of their following through with suicide apparently depends on where they lie on the “dark triad spectrum”.  The presence of other conditions like substance abuse seems to magnify the likelihood of actual suicide.

In contrast to those with BPD, narcissists are more likely to use the threat of suicide as a means of manipulation.  A clear indicator of whether the threat of suicide is being used to exploit you is if they consistently make the threat when you’re not doing something they want you to do. 

Suicide as the Ultimate Hostile Act

If you believe you’re dealing with a narcissist, while rare, they do sometimes die of suicide. In many cases, these acts are what’s considered “spiteful suicides” – intended to traumatize the person who finds them and/or didn’t follow the narcissist’s commands. 

Under these particular circumstances, such suicides aren’t carried out by a tormented soul who didn’t find the love and care they needed.  On the contrary, when a narcissist completes suicide, it’s correlated with a particular level of depravity and sadism.  Namely, because the act is often directed towards those with a proneness to high levels of shame and guilt. 

In these cases, the narcissist’s act of suicide is a spiteful act of supreme vengeance —a malicious victory over the person who refused to step back into being controlled. 

So how should you handle yourself under these circumstances?  Below I offer a few tips:

What NOT to do

  • Don’t argue with them regarding whether or not they are serious about going through with it. Sometimes, a manipulative person will take their own life just to prove you wrong. 
  • Don’t call their bluff or accuse them of manipulating you. Doing so would accomplish nothing more than an increase in conflict and hostility.
  • Don’t give in to their threats. Their decision to take their own life rests on them entirely.  Giving in to their threats doesn’t prove to them that you care, it only shows them that they can continue using suicide threats as a means to control you. 

According to their book Choosing to Live, Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman write:

“When you give in to the threats, you will still be angry, the other person will still threaten self-harm at any time, and the underlying issues will not have been addressed. Plus, it is likely that the same scenario will repeat itself again and again.”[2]

What to Do When Suicide Threats are Used to Manipulate You

What if the narcissist in your life uses suicide threats on a consistent basis?  Perhaps they’ve even taken too many pills at some point (just enough to permit resuscitation) or have called you at work to let you know they were going to kill themselves and forbade you from trying to help them?

First, keep in mind that people who are truly intent on taking their own lives often won’t give any clues ahead of time.  The scenarios listed above are often termed “suicide gestures” – or having no suicidal intent when injuring oneself – also called “non-suicidal self-injury”.  These terms are being used less by the psychological community due to the inherent risks that lie in any suicidal ideations, but they are perfect terms to describe a feigned attempt at taking one’s life when used as a manipulative tool.  

Second, any time this happens, you should call 911, whether or not you believe the narcissist will actually follow through with their threat. Sometimes people who intend to carry out a feigned suicide attempt can die by accident.  

Below are some additional pointers for when you believe the narcissist is using suicide threats to control you:

  • Maintain your boundaries while expressing concern.  Threatening suicide in order to get you to obey is emotional abuse, plain and simple.  Express your concern for their well-being, but don’t give in to their demands.
  • Call 911, especially if you receive a text or email where the narcissist is threatening suicide or has sent an incriminating photo, such as holding a gun to their head.  Show these to the authorities.  Don’t be under the false impression that calling the proper authorities will make matters worse.  Not doing anything and caving into their demands, however,  will always make things worse for you.  And if you have children, they will likely grow up with severe trauma and PTSD, putting them at risk for dying by suicide (I’ve heard many recounts of this happening through clients I’ve worked with).
  • Leave the relationship.  If you are involved with an individual who you believe is narcissistic, you have other problems to worry about – in addition to their manipulative suicide threats. 

Read:  6 Strong Signs You Have Narcissistic Abuse Syndrom

Regardless of whether the narcissistic individual has NPD or BPD (or both), there is simply no way of knowing for sure if they will really act on these threats.  Even people who have no history of a personality disorder will sometimes die by suicide during bouts of severe depression, grief, and/or hopelessness, such as after the death of a loved one or the loss of a job.

While no one wants to feel responsible for the self-inflicted death of another person, it’s important to understand that ultimately, it’s a choice the other person makes.  If you have concerns that the person you know may have BPD, the best you can do is try to help them seek treatment.  Even then, there is the risk of their stopping treatment and meds, so to stay in the relationship is a gamble, especially if children are involved.

[1] Borderline Personality Disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved March 08, 2014, from

[2] Ellis, T. E., & Newman, C. F. (1996). Choosing to live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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M says November 17, 2021

Ex narc uses threats of wanting to kill himself overdosing with Rx med’s, cutting himself and playing with his guns while taking videos. Of course now I realize he never took enough meds or hid the pills to make me believe that he actually took that many, the cuts were never deep and more of a hand tension- controlled maneuver, really superficial to draw some blood but never life threatening, the gun may have been empty and videos of gun shots holes on walls or pillow were carefully prepared as if staged for the video. He later acknowledged that he was pretending just to get my attention. The threats were manipulation schemes to make me go back and plea and cry for his life, attention that he needed to feed from. Some people are really sadden by events that are truly traumatic but, the narc exploits them to sell the sad story that binds you into trying to help them. In this case, he is not killing himself, how else would he manipulate the next victim? Also, made it clear he would not get any professional help. So long vicious cycles. The new gf already called police to Baker Act him. My sympathy to the next victim.

    Kim Saeed says November 23, 2021

    Hi M. This is more common than people realize. One of my coaching clients had to deal with this precise issue. She called the cops and told them her boyfriend was threatening to take his life. The cops showed up and asked a bunch of questions and suggested that he admit himself for monitoring. Those threats stopped immediately. In your case, so glad to know that his new girlfriend Baker Acted him. This is exactly the sort of thing that needs to happen so narcissists realize their tricks don’t work on everyone. A great wake-up call.



Anonymous says September 5, 2021

Thank you for leaving your comment. My Husband also took his life 3 weeks ago after 18 months of seemingly manipulative attempts. 1st one my children walked in on. He blamed me for his state of mind we all tried he went to rehab, I supported him all the way until I could no more. It got to the point I needed legal protection from him and that was when he ended it. His family won’t speak to me, but I have grieved for him for over 18 months and regularly checked I was doing the right thing. My children were protected as much as possible and my Husband was beyond saving. I wish you the best, I am on the same path and it was comforting to read I’m not alone.

Tami Pearce says November 25, 2020

I’m so sorry you have gone through this, my husband has tried so many times I can’t keep track, with the first time 20 years ago, his heart stopped twice in the ambulance on way to hospital, he was in an induced coma for 9 days then into a lockdown facility and treatment for his depression and alcoholism. He was good for a while, meds weren’t yet dialed in, then every three years or less be would try again, my girls were emotional wrecked from these incidents even though I thought I hid most of them.

When I did leave him again about 6 years ago, he had called me at my mother’s and told me to go to his mom’s and give her a message, while I was at his mother’s giving her a message I realized what the message meant. As I ran down the block I could hear a gun shoot about 6 rounds. I found him in the bedroom with the gun in his mouth and I slowly sat next to him and he got distraught again shot one round in the ceiling and put the gun in his mouth and I
Instinctively knocked it out of his hands but it had already gone off injuring his mouth sinus cavity eye and brow bone. Dr said If I wouldn’t have done that a cm closer to his head it would have hit his brow bone and went into the brain and he would not have lived. However the sheriff said that could have been me, found out his uncle committed suicide also when the sheriff’s interviewed his mother,. sheriff’s said they have had found there usually is a previous family members that have tried or succeeded. He got plastic surgery and shipping to a better hospital with a mental hospital and received wonderful help. It only lasted 4 years and it’s started all over again.. My kids disrespect me for not leaving him, I don’t blame them. Earlier this year I started a new job. He wasn’t getting the attention he was used to with me working and spiraled and did the gun and suicide threat. I lost it. My mind didn’t recover this time I couldn’t have complete thoughts. I went to the shelter as peace at home had no room. Between the 2 hour’s of chores and working 9 hour’s a day I had a meltdown and a complete embarrassment at work so I resigned. Month later. Back home .he still holds it over my head. I have lost hope. I don’t have the energy to get away anymore. He interrupts me on my telemed counseling sessions and said I’m crazy and he has done nothing wrong and it’s my hormones. My daughter came home to back him up and all me I’ve turned into a mooch and should have never quit my job. I have failed my kids. My family and friends I have not seen for 20 years but maybe a half day visit every 5 to ten years. I have failed myself. Unable to try and get my back pay from the employment office because I have a migraine 7 days out of 7.

So I can only imagine how much you hurt. I’ve tried not been in kinda of the same threats with guilt. None of the scenarios turn out well.. I tried to divorce him 20 years ago from the first time he tried it. He was in rehab 3 months and then I refused to let him back in until he proved himself on his own and went to work and kept up with counseling. The 1st week he was back. Nightmares are still happening to this day. My life is daily humiliation, and pure disappointment in myself for.not.having a backbone when it started. I am sending you positive thoughts and healing for you. It’s not your fault. You did the right thing.

Jeffrey Lawton says November 16, 2020

My late mother was a thoroughly dangerous “traumatic” narcissist, the type who is typically found running a cult. From what I can tell in retrospect she was not just NPD plus ASPD, she was apparently BPD as well, and she chased me all over the country (>2300 miles) in order to continue to assert absolute and total control, which mean I was constantly infantilized, denied any kind of social life etc. One day I just had enough of her incessant and absurd orders and I threw her out of my house and do you know what she did? From what I can tell she just sat down and drank herself to death, she was having no part of any world in which she could not inflict total and absolute control on me 24/7, but unlike most everyone else here I got no threats about it in advance. Now I have all manner of physical manifestations of my complex PTSD that I live with to this day, but the thing I keep finding revolting is I almost never meet a therapist who can actually internalize what it was like to attempt to live in a family like that, and all of the physical, social and emotional problems that still bother me, it’s like their imaginations fall a couple orders of magnitude short of what “being me today” is really like.

The Ghosts of Jeff Epstein – Rebecca Goes Rogue says August 16, 2019

[…] –Kim Saeed, “Will the Narcissist Really Commit Suicide if I Leave?” […]

D says October 10, 2018

Sadly, yes, the narcissist will actually commit suicide. My husband finally followed through with it after (almost) 10 months of threatening it and “attempting” it. He finally had his ultimate “moment of weakness” as he so called each instance. For some individuals threatening it, it may just be manipulation, but you can have scenarios (as mine) where the manipulator truly is suicidal. The worst day of my life was one month ago, and what was a nightmare for many months has now shifted to a different type of nightmare in his passing. I tried to leave him a long time ago, but he hung the “suicide” bit over my head to the point where I was scared he’d follow through with it if I left. We have kids, so I tried to stick it out for them, too, however that also became the turning point for me in solidifying my decision to leave because I wanted to get out of the relationship before they were old enough to comprehend what was going on. Unfortunately, he stripped them of the opportunity to grow up with a father because he could not fathom a life without his family. It was all or nothing for him. And he’d threatened that so many times, I woke up every morning if this would be the day or it would just be another day of manipulation. I have a lot of guilt (though our family did everything we could for him, even convincing him to get hospitalization twice), but that still doesn’t alleviate the mental stress I now live with in his passing. I hope that will begin to subside one day. I look back many days and wonder, what happened? Anyhow, I just wanted to say that sometimes this type of controlling/manipulative individual does end up taking their life and following through eventually. He had a great amount of depression and sadness, and the stronger that became, the stronger the controlling/manipulative aspect became. Mental illness is a strange thing; the brain is a strange thing. And I don’t know that mankind will ever be able to completely understand its inner workings. I just hope that our society will restructure to become a bit more understanding and compassionate towards those struggling with mental illness.

Hope says December 29, 2016

After my husband alluding to it a few times, and me being emotionally exhausted from trying to save him, he actually did it. After a couple decades of mind games, I know it is a relief. But I still feel the guilt of not being able to save him, as well as feeling like maybe I pushed him as I’d fallen out of love with him in the year preceeding the suicide. I tried, went to counseling, asked him to go as well. It hurt when he chose his vices to numb his pains over getting healthy. I’d always known he was a sad man. I think I was just as addicted to being his saviour as he wss to drugs and alcohol What a mess. I’m learning lots of skills to rise up from this, but that guilt has its way of creeping up on me.

    D says February 7, 2017

    i am so sorry for your losss… it is so sad because the paradox is that usually the victims truly love their abusers and if something bad happens they feel responsible and guilty. I have been in a relationship with a person for 1 year and a half, few days ago I went no contact because I couldn’t have all this paranoia in my life anymore, it is so difficult when you suddenly lose all communication with a person you actually love, I can hardly imagine how will I respond if something bad happens to her, “”a sad person”” you said, exactly that’s how I would also describe my woman too, always struggling to make her happy, sadly nothing never seemed to be enough for her. Hope you find strength and love again in yor life.

    Katie says April 9, 2017

    Wow – did I previously post here under the name “Hope”? I was just preparing to post a comment when I saw yours. What you described is the basic sequence of what happened in my marriage, too. I loved and adored him completely, but roughly a year before he ended his life, I had become drained and exhausted from two-plus decades of his manipulation, mind games, and triangulation, and from trying desperately to alleviate his chronic feelings of emptiness. It was my detachment that he said led him to dozens of suicide threats daily, paired with ongoing psychological torture in other forms, too. He very cleverly conditioned me to believe that our mutual suffering was entirely my fault. I’d pushed him too far by attempting to emotionally separate myself from him. He would instantly switch gears, suddenly denying any suicidal ideation as soon as I tried to call for help. This pattern played out literally several dozen times every day for nearly a year. The suicide was both devastating and a relief. The good news: he’s out of the picture and can no longer carry out any more direct abuse. The bad news: there was, as there can never be with a personality-disordered individual, any resolution, and I am left dealing by myself with the huge mess that he left behind. Nobody can possibly know exactly how you feel, including me, but my heart goes out to you and to anyone else who has been drawn into a relationship with a Cluster B partner. The suffering is incomparable to anything I’ve ever experienced.

DJ says October 26, 2016

I don’t know if he is NPD (possible), BPD (equally possible), or both. I am trying to leave him. Eleven years of marriage, but I can’t deal with this anymore. He was on medications – and seeing a counselor. Now he says he has stopped all of his meds. This is the second time I tried to leave. Last time he substituted the abuse of one substance for the abuse of another – and the punishment started. Hour long rants that he calls conversations (but I’m not allowed to talk, other than ‘listening’ noises). He always blames the substances, claims that he would never call me an m-f’ing C, or talk about killing the dog, or scream at our son over things like how he took his shoes off – but I have seen and heard him do all of that. I told him it is over and I will never have a relationship with him again. I ask him to contact the lawyer and let him know he isn’t going to contest the divorce, if he really means it. I encourage him to get help, to sign up for assistance benefits because he has no income currently, to at least find a travel trailer so he has somewhere to stay. He says he is nothing without me. He has been hovering, trying to talk me into staying. “I won’t fight the divorce,” he says, “but can’t you two move back in? I’ll quit using (substance). I’ll do better.” Later, “I’m nothing without you. You’re too young to swear off men forever; when you start dating again it will kill me.”
“There is nothing for me. I can’t be alone. You said never, never is a very long time to me. There is only one way out if I don’t have you.”

I think he has already tried to overdose – I don’t know for certain; he may have just flushed the pills and told me that so I think he is serious. He promised he will not do anything until after Friday afternoon, because he has plans to come over and see our son. But after that… ? I don’t know what to do. I am trying not to be cruel, but those lines are hard to draw and hard to stick to. I encourage him to talk to his counselor, to take his meds as prescribed, I try to remind him that before me he was alone and was doing okay for himself.

I can’t be his savior. I can’t be his everything. That is too much weight for me to hold up under. I have to work, and take care of our son, and try to build us a life apart from him.

Maymay says August 3, 2016

I know it’s been a while since this article but I wanted to say that my Narc did this the other day, I guess about a week ago. He sensed that this time I was serious and decides to declare his d-bag pseudo intentions in a cool way (even that had to be somehow stage worthy.) He asked me if I knew where the life insurance was because I’d need that money. I asked him if he meant he was killing himself and he says that it was the only thing he could do. Mind you, this BS came two days after his father was hospitalized yet again for his legitimate suicide attempt. He knew what he was doing. Anyway, having put up with him for so long I told him to make sure to do it somewhere other than the house so at least his last act would be an unselfish one for once. I didn’t want our kids to find him. Then I told him not to be messy with it elsewhere either, because no one has time to deal with that. For about 5 whole minutes, I was not only wanting him to do this but COUNTING on it. Then I snapped out of it and thought of my children. That’s when I started yelling at him and he got the reaction he needed to feel special. I’m not happy with myself and how this man has pushed me into being so incredibly psychopathic sometimes. He makes me physically lash out at him sometimes and that is NOT NOT NOT me. Ugh I hate him. But less so now. As the typical N nonsense continues, it matters less and less. By the time I leave, I won’t even have to put an effort into No Contact. The reason I’m still here is that like any good narcula, he’s made sure I left school and never did anything with my life even going as far as to tell me I’d get raped if I got a job or went back to school (I’m unlucky enough to have been raped several times.) Anyway, with three children I have to have something to support us. I dread that custody battle, heaven help me.
Anyway, enough about me lets talk about me!
Just kidding 😉

    Tina says November 2, 2016

    MayMay, if you need someone to talk to, please contact me. I clearly understand your pain. I have the same experiences. I know how isolating life with a N can be. Please dont hesitate, I would love t help if can.

Sammy says February 2, 2016

Searching for help. I’m am currently in the process of trying not to go back to him. It’s been a week. We’re at the suicide point. (We’ve been here many times) I am deeply conserned that my husband may in fact commit suicide because although very emotionally abusive and unsympathetic to me, he is battling an undiagnosed mental illness. When I’m home with him and he drives me to the point where I want to leave, I am so certain that nothing can stop me. As soon as he threatens suicide, I find myself slipping from the reality of our relationship. All of the good things about him become the center of my attention when I feel that I will lose him or have to grieve for him. I’m in a never ending nightmare. Part of me wants to leave and have peace. Part of me feels guilty like I should be helping my mentally disturbed husband. I have no doubts that this is a result of his ubringing. We have 2 small children that witness this time after time. Does anybody have any advise for me? I don’t cthink I could live with myself if he committed suicide but I don’t want to keep living like this. Can I make him get help?

I’m a stay at home mom and student. He’s a hard worker and a provider. To the point where his body is sore. This also makes me feel guilty for leaving. Especially when he brings it up. I’m very appreciative of it, but I feel like he may use that against me.

Teresa says January 25, 2016

I am trapped…when I try to leave him…he tried to hang himself in front of me…then he took my purse and cellphone away and wouldn’t let me have it. .he will yell all night…and say he will make me hate him if I leave and how he knows where I live…

    Kim Saeed says January 26, 2016

    Sounds like you may need to get a restraining order against him…

susan says August 11, 2015

I cringe at these posts. Thing is, most narcs are far too selfish to ever kill themselves, unlike people with other mental disorders. I lived with that threat for years with my first husband. He never did. He did later sustain a brain injury in a car wreck that affected his speech and cognitive abilities. He did regain most of his mobility but he will live out his life in a facility. He is meaner and more selfish than he was before the injury. His family never visits him. A narc is not a well-loved person. Very sad, but people like that don’t deserve the love and time of a decent good-hearted person. If they end it all, so be it. Someone else’s life will probably be better as a result. I may sound cold, but that’s what years of threats to guilt you into staying with an irresponsible, abusive, selfish manipulator will do to a woman.

M says May 22, 2015

My exgirlfried had become very strange/jealous. I had been trying to back away from her for months. Many of her behaviors exhibited BPD traits. I felt like I was a hostage in this relationship. I found her going through my text messages. I broke it off with her immediately as I have been the victim previously of stalker abuse. A week later after our break up she drank a bottle of vodka and ate a bunch of tylenol. Her ex husband found her and rushed her to the hospital. She was supposed to survive. She had recovered. The ex husband kept begging me to go see her in the hospital but all my mental health professionals were literally screaming at me “Do not engage”.
I sent one last message to him saying I was NOT coming and please stop harassing me. I was at this point afraid of her. That she would only live to stalk me for the next 5 years. She hung herself in the hospital that afternoon. She is alive, with brain damage. It’s killing me. I know it’s not my fault. But we have to sit here and try and pick up the pieces of our lives. It’s hard to make sense of this?

    Kim Saeed says July 17, 2015

    M, I’m sorry this happened, but glad to know you realize this wasn’t (and isn’t) your fault.

    What are you doing in the way of healing/therapy?

Jake says April 12, 2015

My ex was being so nice to me at the start of the relationship. It was brilliant But I started to get really scared when she brought up suicide. A week later she said to me that I was the only one who stopped her. A week later she would have mood swings and threatened suicide again. I fell for the threat so many times and she even claimed she had cancer and she flipped when I told my parents. I feel used but I have learnt. She even sent me horrible photos and messages after the break up and calling me a liar when I found out that she has been lying to me. I even got a horrible message from her aunt saying that how i am the liar. She even tried to get my attention by getting someone else to lie to me and claim that she was in a car accident. she made me an awful person, I lost a lot of weight and my health went down hill and looking back now she was controlling me, my thoughts and actions. All these actions show that she never cared about me. I am still trying to understand how could someone be so cruel and do something like that. I still get flashbacks and my self esteem isn’t the same. I am gradually picking up the pieces and moving forward. I have lost good friends because of her. I now realise I was emotionally sexually and Physiologically abused. I didn’t eat properly for a month and the stress she caused me was unbearable. I feel now i have lost my identity. I feel like im not the same person who I was before the relationship. She kept saying to me that how much she loved me and cared about me. It just shows that the gut feeling is always right. She was able to turn on the tears very quickly and she knew that id jump to her every need.
I know now what an emotional manipulator and a Narcissist is

The Behaviors and Actions of the Narcissist | Process of Elimination says November 27, 2014

[…] -They threaten suicide Unfortunately, they rarely actually do it. […]

Anakinz says September 23, 2014

My Father suffers from severe NPD. He has controlled and manipulated my Mother for the past 35 years and she has FINALLY found the strength to break away and he is now calling my siblings (the youngest in particular) and threatening to “shoot himself in the head”
It sickens and disgusts me to no end. My younger brother is falling victim to this manipulation and thinks he needs to “save the family” that my mother is apparently tearing apart. I am so happy and pleased Mum is still young enough to live her life and be HAPPY instead of being a controlled slave living with a sexist, racist, homophobic narcissist. Now I am a Woman and have a young Son and having recently moved back to my home town and got to truly know my “Father” for the person he truly is, has really opened my eyes. I have such great respect for my Mother and vow to raise my son to be a caring, honest, respectful person. As this is all very recent, I can only hope my Mother stays strong and continues on her path for freedom and the rest of my siblings also see the light and understand the attempted manipulation and control my father is trying to have over them.

Rebs says September 5, 2014

I’m read most of what you’ve all said… Wait let me back up. my narcissist is my father, he presents both Borderline & NPD, I dealt with him through years of self doubt,counseling, and eventually by getting a masters in counseling and am now a licensed counseling professional. Burn…dad.. burn

It seems like y’all (from the south) are some strong women who have put up with a lot of Sh!t. Keep growing because they won’t

Emotional blackmail: suicide threats in abusive relationships | Avalanche of the soul says May 31, 2014

[…] Saeed posted a very informative article on suicide threats as a manipulation tool. This post made made me think of all the times that my abusive ex did exactly this. I want to tell […]

FreeBird says May 30, 2014

Holy crap. Holy crap. I can’t tell you how many times he used this. And I mean pulled out his gun, loaded it and put it to his head. I would scream in terror and eventually he’d fall to the floor crying that he didn’t want to live and has abandonment issues. Good lord how cruel was that? I would end up having to calm HIM down and tell him how great of a person he was and not to hurt himself. After a year of constantly dealing with scenerios like this, I ended up building so much resentment and anger toward him and when I’d blow up after him bashing and bashing me, he’d call ME abusive then I’d feel horrible and apologize. He recently had the nerve to hit me (kick me and hit head against the wall) and now that I have left for good, I see the relationship SO differently. I can’t believe anyone could put someone they “loved” in situations like this. Sometimes I have a moment or two where I question if maybe I could’ve been better but then I come across stuff like this and I realize that no matter how emotional of a woman I am or whatever, I or ANYONE do not deserve to be threatened in such a way. Thank you for your help in these realizations!!! 🙂

    Kim Saeed says May 30, 2014

    FreeBird, there’s really nothing you could have done differently. These people cannot be reasoned with, no matter how diplomatic and forgiving we may be. I’m glad you’ve gotten out of the relationship. You’re right, NO ONE deserves to be treated badly.

Claire Williams, GA says March 16, 2014

BTW, he too threatened his life and threatened to come to my door in the middle of the night when I wouldn’t talk to him. Called my phone 40 times in three minutes.

    Kim Saeed says March 22, 2014

    Sounds like he has some Borderline tendencies. People with BPD can be rather dangerous if it’s not gotten under control with medication and counseling.

Claire Williams, GA says March 16, 2014

I still struggle with the after effects of my narcissitic ex. We broke up in several years ago but he has tormented me since with emails and such. I tried no-contact so many times. His emails went to my trash folder and it was continously “I miss you.” The guy is currently engaged. I told him what he was doing was wrong and to leave me alone. Obviously, this didn’t change the situation. I know I’m at fault here too. He claimed he realized what he was doing was wrong and was going to tell his fiance about the emails (Which I have always responded, stop talking to me, you are engaged and this is not right). I sent him one more email expressing that I don’t want to be involved in the drama and to never contact me again. (Thank god he hasn’t). I still struggle with it because I worry if I’m going to get another email. If he is going to want me to continue hanging on for him (Which I am not) I have family that lives in his area and I worry when I have to drive in a five mile radius of him. I don’t want to see him. I physically feel semi-ill. While I don’t have to worry about him down talking me any more in public “Why are you wearing that? Can’t you tell you don’t belong here, all the other girls are so well dressed.” or deal with the fact that I’m not that domesticated (according to him), or deal with the fact that I contracted herpes (which we had the conversation when we became intimate about our pasts), before I realized he was a narcissist. I’ve managed to handle the herpes thing, I struggle with it. I’ve had another partner but I was honest about it and he accepted me for it. Basically, while I don’t have to deal with these initial struggles, for some reason they still stick with me sometimes. Maybe its the weather and the cool air that reminds me of certain moments.. I’m not sure. I still struggle but I have seen my self come very far from where I was when I was cut off, devalued, felt like I was stale and old news. That was when I hit bottom. I think its from initially being “wooed” with the flowers and attention from the beginning of the relationship. I realize now too, that I came not long after his previous ex, and the girl he is engaged to came when he still had contact with me. It’s a cycle, but I’m glad to be working myself out of this circle, permanently. I don’t want to have a part of it, I want to be whole and healed again.

Sorry if some of this doesn’t read well. It’s just coming out as I type.

    Kim Saeed says March 16, 2014

    Thank you reaching out and sharing, Claire. I know exactly what you are going through.

    The thing with Narcissists is that they always follow the same pattern. I,too, once dealt with the semi-automatic emails and text messages. Sometimes I wondered how he could send so many in such a short amount of time (his sister is the same). Since they will never respect personal boundaries, we have to be the ones to enforce them. I completely blocked my Ex from email and my cell phone. I added him to the block list so that those forms of communication couldn’t go through…at all. That enabled me to feel a sense of relief and closure knowing that he couldn’t spring a surprise on me out of the blue.

    When he couldn’t get through to me that way, he upped his stalking and harassing. He would literally lie in wait in close vicinity to my apartment, and come barreling into the parking area when he saw me exit my door. He would also show up next to me on the highway, at the schools where I taught, and at one point, when I was home alone. I finally had to get a restraining order.

    You see, to a Narcissist, when we don’t block them, they take it as a hidden message that they are free to call or pop up out of the blue. They believe we are waiting around for them to do just that. That’s why full No Contact is necessary. If you have children with him, leave only the landline open for him and block him from everything else…

    And yes, it sounds as if you are being triggered by environmental stimuli. That happens to me, too. In fact, I have developed a phobia of working outside the home because my work schedule allowed him to know when I would be leaving or coming back home with the kids, and he took advantage of that to stalk and harass me. Each time I try to apply for a job outside of the home, I have panic attacks. In actuality, he stalked me while we where married, too, but at the time, I thought since we were married, I didn’t have much of a case.

    My Ex also tried flirting with me though I’ve remarried, and he supposedly had a fiance at one time, and then a girlfriend.

    As I said, they all follow the same patterns…

    Good luck. You are a shining jewel, and your worth is inside of you. You don’t have to do anything to earn it.

armyofangels2013 says March 8, 2014

I’m glad you posted on this, Kim. Unfortunately, I fell for the threat the first time I tried to leave the relationship. I just moved in with him, married him, and had kids with him-all because I was afraid he may harm himself if he became too unhappy from not realizing his dreams! I am not that person anymore! Looking back-I should have run fast and far! My two children and the Phoenix rising are the two good things that came from this….

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2014

    Thanks for your input, Army. It’s a very real challenge for current victims because this threat is used so much by emotional predators and it’s hard to know if they will act on it or not.

    As another blogger put it, we have to ask if we are willing to give up our entire life and identity to be the extension of a disordered person. I’m glad your choice was a big, fat “No”. I’m also glad that you shared the good that came out of your situation.

Constance says March 8, 2014

The ex made a some what veiled threat, made mention of how many people step in front of trains where we live. (it does happen often.) This was after bemoaning how he would be all alone, with only his dogs, and would loose his house if I left. (poor, poor him)

In my city a suicide threat will get you a 72 hour hold at the mental hospital. I’ve told others that if they are threatening that someone is really worried, then get them committed. Stick those sick people in the hospital.

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2014

    Thank you for sharing, Phoenix.

    Yes, poor, poor him. Funny how they want everyone to feel sorry for them while we, on the other hand, were symbolically dragging ourselves along with one hand like the real-life Walking Dead.

    SweetLittleSugarPie says January 27, 2016

    What state automatically commits these guys with suicide threats?

      kimraya says June 26, 2016

      Hi SweetLittleSugarPie, that would depend on the laws in each state. You might be able to find out about yours by calling your local police department.


Girl for Animal Liberation says March 8, 2014

My Ex would be doing the world a favor if he killed himself but he’s waaaaay to narcissistic to ever do that. Hmf! Fat chance. LOL!

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2014

    I think a lot of people probably share your sentiment about their own Exes 😀

StrongerSoulSurvivor says March 8, 2014

My ex threatened suicide and self-harmed as part of his emotional blackmail campaigns to get me to go back to him. I hated him for it, and knew exactly why he was doing it, but it frightened me so much that I gave in.

It took me some time to realise that his welfare (physical and emotional) was HIS responsibility – not mine. When faced with this tactic, I think the biggest question we have to ask of ourselves is whether we are prepared to sacrifice ourselves and be held hostage for the rest of our lives.

When I shared my fears with my local domestic violence service, they told me that a minority of abusers do actually commit suicide – as you say Kim, it’s a very real threat for some – but hot air for others.

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2014

    Thank you for sharing that, SSS. The more examples that current victims have to judge from, the better.

    And you are so right…we have to ask ourselves if we are willing to give up our entire life in order to be the disordered person’s prisoner. It definitely takes a lot of courage to leave because of the unknown.

      StrongerSoulSurvivor says March 9, 2014

      Absolutely. We can’t make the call on whether he will or won’t act on the threat, but we need to discover that the responsibility is theirs alone.

    SweetLittleSugarPie says January 27, 2016

    What a great quote! “We have to ask of ourselves is whether we are prepared to sacrifice ourselves and be held hostage for the rest of our lives.”

KarinKateriKei says March 8, 2014

It seems that I’m all teary and weepy after almost every post here. Oh yes, the “Baby, I’ll die without you, Don’t ever leave me. I’m not afraid to die.” I was terror stricken on so many levels and it was just brutal to be subjected to that as well.

    Kim Saeed says March 9, 2014

    Karin, I think you are being triggered…have you been to a therapist?

    On another note, it sickens me that these disordered people assume we will take the responsibility of their choices into our own hands. It’s the sickest, most twisted threat they can make (well, except if they threaten to harm us). Problem is, we often do accept this responsibility…at least in the beginning.

    You are strong, and you can get through this.

Paula says March 8, 2014

This is probably the dirtiest threat the abuser makes, because there are people out here really suffering who need uplifted and redirected away from the thoughts of suicide. My ex threatened suicide only when I had had enough and spoke of leaving and ending the relationship. It infuriates me to look back at how easily his apologies and manipulations worked against my gut instincts. It’s been 3 years since I walked away, and the MoFo is still alive, wreaking havoc on others. I hate that he’s still hurting people but validated that my gut was right. Thanks to his lies, I learned to trust myself…completely. 🙂

    Kim Saeed says March 8, 2014

    I had to go back and read your comment twice because your use of “MoFo” made me laugh 🙂

    I agree with you wholeheartedly. My Ex made similar threats and talked about how he “didn’t want to live”, but it was all part of his attempt to appear extremely victimized. The ironic part is that while he was telling me he couldn’t go on anymore because of his so-called “pain”, he was out smearing my character to everyone within a 50-mile radius, people in other states, and other continents. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted CNN and NASA to tell them what a horrible person I am…

    Just like you, I’ve learned to trust my instincts 🙂

    Anonymous says March 30, 2014

    I think there may be some error in the article above regarding borderline personality disorder versus bipolar disorder. These are two different things.

      Kim Saeed says March 31, 2014

      Thank you for pointing that out. Yes, they are two different things. I’ve gone in and corrected the instances where I used the two terms interchangeably.

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