Narcissist Says He Loves Me

I was involved with a recovering alcoholic, narcissist for 3.5 years. It took me 2.5 years to finally be done. I left him numerous times after cheating and abuse. Each time he would try to change by working his AA program seemingly authentically, redoubling efforts to change himself. Even admitting he is a narcissist, signing off FB, working with a sponsor, etc. He even did the Landmark Forum, which did cause him to become vulnerable and honest like I’d never seen. Genuine tears, grief and amends to several of us he had hurt. He has a willingness and is aware of his narcissism and addiction issues, but always he would revert back to the behavior. They lying, cheating and abusive side of him is stronger. I would have to leave him again, and he would beg me for another chance at changing. Agreeing to counseling again, whatever to keep me. Like most of here, I genuinely love this person. I feel sorry for him and I know he is a tortured soul who is trapped by his pathology. He knows it too. It’s been 6 months with no contact and I have a protection order to keep him away. He has found a new girl and is again trying to change. We recently exchanged emails and he told me he was happy, and asked if I would please not contact him because he was trying to make it work with her. My friends have to remind me often of intentional harm he has caused me, the felonies committed, the cheating and lying, so I don’t go into denial, or feel empathy for him. It sucks to love a narcissist especially when they know they are sick, and beg to be loved unconditionally. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is give up on a man I loved, had much in common with, and was still attracted to, even when he continued to show willingness to change. I know there is some level of willingness inside of him, but I believe he is constitutionally incapable of changing. My biggest fear is that I’m wrong, and he could change. That’s what kept me in so long – the hope. The doubt. But I finally had to cut it off, for my own sanity and health. It’s a heartbreaker, especially to see him trying to make it work with someone new. Bless you all…

I started searching for answers a while ago just like you Stacy. I was perplexed about the dynamics of the relationship I was in and the fact that agreements weren’t kept, lying, drinking, game playing and lack of bonding. My intuition, boundaries, and feelings all kicked in and I started calling BS on his behavior. I am now in the process of leaving and emotionally I am DONE. I suggest that you listen to your inner knowing, ask yourself if this is all you want and then plan your future. There is not a real person inside.

Kim, you answer was spot on.

Good luck Stacy. Build on your strengths and take care.

I was married to a sociopath. That is narcissism on a steroidal overdose. No matter how he hurt me, he always would persuade me to stay “because I love you, and I don’t want you to leave me.” I have come to learn that the I love you doesn’t really mean anything if it is preceded by a hurt. Bravo for this blog!

This is all valid. These are deep pathologies and can only be managed, if the patient is aware and willing. They cannot be ‘cured’, sadly. It is like being tall or short, ‘baked into the cake’, so to speak.