Dear Kim – How Long Before I Feel Myself Again?

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Dear Kim,

I am still stuck in trying to figure this all out and therefore still in a low emotional state.  I really want to get out of it but I just can’t seem to shake it.  There is a proverb that says not to repay good with evil, and this is exactly what happened to me.

How long did it take before you started to notice your true self start to show up again?  The real you?

~ Matthew

Dear Matthew,

The biggest gift I gave myself was to stop trying to figure out “Why”, and accept that what happened was a reflection of who HE is and not of who I am.

I gave up trying to make sense of the madness.  I gave up trying to figure out what I could have done differently, because I did everything I could.  I stopped obsessing about all the things he did to me.  I just let it all go.  Some of it was a conscious choice; part of it was through symbolic actions.

I do guided meditations and read material from Louis Hay and Cheryl Richardson, among others.  There are some energy healing techniques available that are also very helpful. Energy healing is more effective because what Narcissists do to us goes all the way down to the soul level and they infiltrate our energetic and psychic fields.

I realized that some of the lingering feelings toward him had to do with my wounds that he brought to the surface.  In other words, he resurrected my low self-esteem and need for unconditional love.  That’s part of why I obsessed about him so much.  He represented something extremely painful.  Once I recognized this, I was able to start working on Self-love and acknowledging myself as worthy.  After I made progress in these areas, he became like a distant memory.  I also realized that my prior progress had been limited due to a prison I built around myself.  So, I set myself free and left him back there, behind bars where he belongs.

I still have days where I find myself in a low place, but the good news is, we can raise our vibration through conscious awareness…in the beginning, it’s challenging, but with practice, you’ll definitely begin seeing a big difference.

To answer your question, how long does it take…healing is different for everyone.  Those who find a mentor or coach, find a good support system, and consciously work on their inner wounding on a consistent basis are generally the people who heal more successfully.  

A great place to get started is by downloading The Beginner’s Healing Toolkit below.  

Hope that helps, Matthew!

Do you have a burning question about your partner’s dubious behaviors?  Submit them to [email protected] and your question will be entered into our database and possibly included in a future publication. 

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2013-2016

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Fellow Survivor says December 22, 2013

Hi Kim,

This quote from your friend Betty’s site makes a lot of sense to me

This is very much the equivalent of rape, as due to the fact we did not know the individual we were engaged with – our consent was denied – we were dealing with them under fraudulent pretenses. We have shared our vulnerabilities, our thoughts, our heart, our minds, our bodies, our fears, our dreams, with someone who never had our best interests at heart and instead used the information as a tool to later destroy us with. It was a violation on every level

And this one resonated with me as well,

because a Narc can’t love. Since a Narc operates on the false self, we didn’t really know them anyway. If we really did know them, certainly, we wouldn’t love them. What we’re missing is the dream and the illusion WE created. Therefore the dismantling of that dream and the destruction of the illusion is within in OUR control because…
WE created it. BAM! Instant power back…

    Kim Saeed says December 22, 2013

    I’m glad you took something useful from the sites of other Narc Slayers. I like Betty’s site. She breaks down the emotional aspect in a very easy-to-understand way. She’s also right on target.

    When she says “a violation on every level”…she is right. They damage our very souls. Recovery involves awareness on the emotional, as well as the energetic and soul levels. That’s why going to a counselor doesn’t always heal people, because we need to heal our energy field and soul, as well.

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