Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Personal Growth
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Signs of a narcissist

5 Signs You’re Being Targeted By A Narcissist

We’re all looking for that perfect love.  If you’re in a new relationship, things can be bewildering. 

You’ve found a new guy or gal and you’re getting along splendidly.  You wonder if you’ve found the partner of your dreams.  But beware; it can quickly turn into a nightmare if you don’t know the signs of a Narcissist.

Instead of rehashing the typical signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, let’s look into what people typically seek out in a partner and what Narcissism looks like in real-life application.  Pulling from several articles illustrating what people typically look for in a mate, here’s a rundown of the top 5 traits:

  1. A sense of fun
  2. A sense of humor
  3. Class
  4. Intelligence
  5. Romance

Narcissism is all over the media and spreading across the globe like a resistant strain of bird flu. It’s important to have your feelers out and save yourself a world of heartache.  How do you know if your new date is sincere or buttering you up to be their personal slave, care-giver, emotional punching bag, and ATM machine?  Here are some side-by-side comparisons:

A sense of fun

In a typical new relationship, you will certainly enjoy time spent with your potential partner.  However, you can tell if you’re in the presence of a human when there are flashes of personal uncertainty (a lag in the conversation, annihilating the punch line of a joke).  If this happens to you during the initial phase of the relationship, it likely means you’re onto something good…and human.

Narc Alert:  Narcissists are grand masters at the illusion of fun.  Life is a stage to them, and they perform with perfection.  They’re never at a loss for where to go, what to do, or what to say.  This is the phase where they give you a glimpse of “things to come” if you make them a permanent fixture in your life.  There isn’t the smallest moment of discomfort on their part. They’re the reason the word “charisma” is in the dictionary.  If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

A sense of humor

Both men and women love a good sense of humor (assuming it’s not dry and sarcastic).  The ability to make us laugh typically means the person across from us is witty and confident.  Healthy jokesters can crack a joke about the aggressive waiter, but also turn the fun back around to themselves in a way that’s endearing.

Narc Alert:  They introduce you to their friends, makes their rounds around the room, and have everyone in stitches.  They’re the epitome of “life of the party”.  The major difference is that they will never laugh at themselves, and if someone dares make a joke about them, no matter how minor or casual, that’s where the fun ends.  This may be apparent immediately, or after you leave the social gathering, at which point the person who cracked the joke against your new date is proverbially slain.

Class

Everyone has a different concept of class.  Stylish clothes, neat grooming, or a membership at the country club.  A certain smoothness and grace. The ability to avoid offending people. Knowing lewdness is unattractive.  Comportment, a certain calmness that comes from knowing there are no worries.  Classy people are surrounded by an aura of sophistication.

Narc Alert:  Narcissists give the appearance of having class, possessing an unusual obsession with appearances.  They wear designer clothes, drive flashy cars, wear a sexy hairstyle, and typically look the part.  However, you can detect a human from a Narcissist by small clues.  How do they act at the Mom and Pop restaurant?  Do they request 7 refills on the free biscuits and then leave an embarrassing tip?  Do they ruin your dinner by back-biting their so-called friends… after weaving a tale of how fantastic they are.  I mean…come on they dated a model for Pete’s sake.  They may seem like a class act as they’re paying the bill, but rest assured they are mentally calculating how they can recoup their dough, in the form of money or trade.

Intelligence

Most people love intelligence in a partner.  Maybe it boils down to the crush we had on our science teacher in high school.  There’s just something about someone coming off as prim and proper, with the ability to hold an intellectual conversation, that’s totally hot.  They’re not arrogant or aggressive about it.  You feel comfortable and the conversation is double-ended.

Narc Alert:  Narcissists are clever and are often the greatest storytellers. They can fabricate an intricate story and mesmerize you with amazing statistics, trivia, and history of events…a virtual Einstein. They can talk incessantly about interesting information.  However, you begin to notice that you haven’t gotten a word in in almost 45 minutes, and it looks like there is no sign of their stopping.  They barely take a breath as they start into their opinion of politics.  You attempt to add to the conversation, but you might as well be talking to the wall (actually, you’ll get more interaction that way).  That’s a good sign you should feign an emergency text from your mom and call a taxi.

Romance

Real romance is something that takes a little time.  It’s possible you might feel connected after only a few dinners, but you and your new date are still taking it a little slow.  After all, neither of you want to come off as clingy or pushy.  You think you have a keeper and you want to play your cards right.  You might send one another a cutesy “Thinking of You” text a couple of times in between dates.  Maybe he sends you flowers at work.  It’s surprising and welcomed when she “pokes” you on Facebook.

Narc Alert:  Narcissists take romance to a whole different level.  You’ve never been love-bombed like this before.  You receive ten text messages a day and they splash your Facebook page with messages of undying admiration.  You’re the one they’ve been waiting for all of their life and the only one who “gets” them.  You’re their soul mate and they’re so lucky to have finally found you.

Don’t pay attention to the words…focus on actions.  Do you find yourself going out of your way for this new person while they seem to take it (and you) for granted?  Do you somehow feel of lesser value than them, but can’t quite put your finger on why?  Be extremely cautious when your new date talks marriage after only a few weeks, especially if there’s no ring.  These are all classic traps of a Narcissist.

Lastly, If you happen to have an INFJ personality, are a nurturer, or have been told you are an Empath or HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)…run like your life depends on it (it does).  Narcissists prey on these personality types…because they are usually able to suck them dry.  They also scope out people with self-esteem issues and seem to have a radar for those with unresolved matters from childhood.  If any of these situations apply to you, and you’ve seen the above warning signs, you may want to think long and hard about the new person in your life.  They’ll promise you the stars, but you’ll find yourself in Dante’s seventh layer of hell.

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18 comments
Sarah says January 14, 2018

Infj ✅
Sucked dry ✅
Bewildered ✅
Bereft ✅
Very. Very. Sad ✅

Reply
Deborah says December 6, 2017

Just noticing comments about women and narcissism – to me it seems the term “narcissism” is neither male or female; gender neutral as most the character traits of narcissism would most likely apply to all genders with the same problem behaviours!

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Car says November 2, 2015

My ex will not take no for an answer and continues to email me even though I do not respond. He tormented my life and abused me but emails me to say I should forgive him cause he forfave me for physically assaulting him several times lol.. I defended myself from this sick , abusive manipulator and he makes me an abuser? It amazes me how the narcs can change their language to try to manipulate.. I am deleting my email address as he will never atop sending emails that say “I know I said I wouldn’t contact you but… Or I’ll not going to stalk u but… I can’t look at another manipulation tactic again.. ” forgive him so we can be soulmates again…truly disturbing…

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Anonymous says January 6, 2015

I dated a Narcissist for about 3 months…all along my intuition was saying “something’s not right here!” but his charm bought him more time. I started researching online and stumbled on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Didn’t take me more than a day to go No Contact!! Nothing or no one is worth losing your happiness and peace of mind!!!! Kick that Narc to the curb!!! Run and never look back!!!!??whew!!!

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navigator1965 says September 18, 2013

Kim (Kimberly?) & GFix,

In my forthcoming book, I am proposing that there is already a feminine form of narcissism in academic literature, but which isn’t recognized for what it is: covert narcissism.

I argue that such an interpretation explains things like Munchausen By Proxy and the differences between male and female bullying.

As for ideological feminists, this required recourse to additional differentiation.

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    Kim Saeed says September 18, 2013

    I must confess I’ve only recently discovered the wondrous world of Narcissism. Or should I say, I recently discovered there’s a label to put on the crazy train I rode for eight years. As for female narcissism, my only experience is with my Ex’s sister. I was lucky enough to get double the pleasure as his sister is a Narc, too. Only, I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with them until I’d already left the marriage and began my research on why I was so hyper-sensitive and depressed all the time.

    I’ve got tons of research that I hope to turn into a book. Would definitely love to compare notes…you can reach me at letmereach at yahoo dot com.

    P.S. – Discovered tonight that you have a book out. Am definitely interested in learning about your experience with feminism. In fact, I have a lot of learning to do in general. It’s like I’ve been raised from the dead. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, since you were married to a Narcissist. I’m curious, how did he ever agree to counseling? Feel free to replay via email 🙂

    Reply
GFixation says August 31, 2013

Hey ya, you should do one for women too because as much as you didn’t base the concept on women, I can definitely see where these imply to my boss who is a woman, she is so caught up with herself that she doesn’t have any empathy for others among so many other things. “Life is a stage to them and they perform with perfection” this is soooooo true, yet they always profess that they are not pretending, yet everyone around them knows that they are but play along except me and a few other people. I smell the garbage as soon as the lid is open. If there was a point in time that she was called out on something she did wrong, she would find some clever thing to say to cover it up, life is a joke to her even in death.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says August 31, 2013

    You are absolutely right…women can definitely be Narcissists, too. I’ve not had a lot of experience being around a female Narc, other than my Ex’s sister (it often runs in families). I’ve read some pretty despicable things about them in the forums I’ve visited, though. In my experience with my ex SIL, she could be even more twisted and conniving than my ex husband ( I didn’t think anyone could trump him). And apparently, there’s a law of the Universe that states they can’t open their mouth unless they intend to lie. I can only say avoid confrontation as much as possible and network with other people in the event you need a reference from your company at any time in the future. Best of luck to you!

    Warmly,

    Kim

    Reply
      GFixation says August 31, 2013

      That’s definitely something I do re networking with other people because I do I think about the future, however she is the head of the cult so she influences other people, she is also in a management position of this organization, so go figure… I know I’m there to take in the lessons therefore I’m doing just that until…..

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says August 31, 2013

        That’s a good mindset to have. Many new thought leaders believe Narcissists are here to teach us lessons and help us grow spiritually. It sure doesn’t seem that way when you’re in the middle of it, but I can say that I took in my share of lessons, too, and am going through a transformation as a result 🙂 Hang in there!

        Reply
          GFixation says August 31, 2013

          Oh yes I knew before going there that god had intended something for me and even though we might classify the situation as “bad” the lessons are worth learning.

          Reply
          Kim Saeed says August 31, 2013

          Right on 🙂

          Reply
rhyscorhys says August 28, 2013

As a narcissist (yes, I freely admit it) I do agree with some of the points you’ve raised, and you should be aware if you’re romantically involved with a member of our organization, so long as you keep in mind that narcissists need love, too (in addition to our tremendous love of ourselves, naturally).

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    Kim Saeed says August 28, 2013

    Wow…I haven’t encountered a person who freely admits to being a Narcissist. First time for everything.

    Honestly, based on what I’ve discovered so far, Narcissism can generally occur one of two ways. 1) Permissive parenting where the child learns they are the center of everything and never learns to care about other people, 2) Extremely neglectful parenting where the Narcissist learns their behaviors as a self-defense mechanism. May I ask if you know how you became a Narcissist and if so, was it because of reason #2?

    Reply
      rhyscorhys says August 28, 2013

      I keep forgetting people tend to take me seriously online since I don’t use emoticons (they’re the devil’s spawn) and they haven’t put sartalics into practice yet. Sorry. It’s this poor excuse for a thing I call humor that I can’t seem to turn off.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says August 28, 2013

        Ha ha. I had an inkling you might have been joking, but I didn’t want to seem insensitive…It really was a bit humorous, “Narcissists need love, too”. (I’m already singing it in my head to the tune of the popular Samantha Fox song of the late 80’s.)

        Reply
          rhyscorhys says August 28, 2013

          Sorry again for defiling the sanctity of your post (this is why other bloggers never invite me over. I never know how to behave).

          Reply
          Kim Saeed says August 28, 2013

          No worries. Enjoyed the chuckle.

          Reply
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