We’re all looking for that perfect love. If you’re in a new relationship, things can be bewildering.
You’ve found a new guy or gal and you’re getting along splendidly. You wonder if you’ve found the partner of your dreams. But beware; it can quickly turn into a nightmare if you don’t know the signs of a Narcissist.
Instead of rehashing the typical signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, let’s look into what people typically seek out in a partner and what Narcissism looks like in real-life application. Pulling from several articles illustrating what people typically look for in a mate, here’s a rundown of the top 5 traits:
- A sense of fun
- A sense of humor
Narcissism is all over the media and spreading across the globe like a resistant strain of bird flu. It’s important to have your feelers out and save yourself a world of heartache. How do you know if your new date is sincere or buttering you up to be their personal slave, care-giver, emotional punching bag, and ATM machine? Here are some side-by-side comparisons:
A sense of fun
In a typical new relationship, you will certainly enjoy time spent with your potential partner. However, you can tell if you’re in the presence of a human when there are flashes of personal uncertainty (a lag in the conversation, annihilating the punch line of a joke). If this happens to you during the initial phase of the relationship, it likely means you’re onto something good…and human.
Narc Alert: Narcissists are grand masters at the illusion of fun. Life is a stage to them, and they perform with perfection. They’re never at a loss for where to go, what to do, or what to say. This is the phase where they give you a glimpse of “things to come” if you make them a permanent fixture in your life. There isn’t the smallest moment of discomfort on their part. They’re the reason the word “charisma” is in the dictionary. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.
A sense of humor
Both men and women love a good sense of humor (assuming it’s not dry and sarcastic). The ability to make us laugh typically means the person across from us is witty and confident. Healthy jokesters can crack a joke about the aggressive waiter, but also turn the fun back around to themselves in a way that’s endearing.
Narc Alert: They introduce you to their friends, makes their rounds around the room, and have everyone in stitches. They’re the epitome of “life of the party”. The major difference is that they will never laugh at themselves, and if someone dares make a joke about them, no matter how minor or casual, that’s where the fun ends. This may be apparent immediately, or after you leave the social gathering, at which point the person who cracked the joke against your new date is proverbially slain.
Everyone has a different concept of class. Stylish clothes, neat grooming, or a membership at the country club. A certain smoothness and grace. The ability to avoid offending people. Knowing lewdness is unattractive. Comportment, a certain calmness that comes from knowing there are no worries. Classy people are surrounded by an aura of sophistication.
Narc Alert: Narcissists give the appearance of having class, possessing an unusual obsession with appearances. They wear designer clothes, drive flashy cars, wear a sexy hairstyle, and typically look the part. However, you can detect a human from a Narcissist by small clues. How do they act at the Mom and Pop restaurant? Do they request 7 refills on the free biscuits and then leave an embarrassing tip? Do they ruin your dinner by back-biting their so-called friends… after weaving a tale of how fantastic they are. I mean…come on they dated a model for Pete’s sake. They may seem like a class act as they’re paying the bill, but rest assured they are mentally calculating how they can recoup their dough, in the form of money or trade.
Most people love intelligence in a partner. Maybe it boils down to the crush we had on our science teacher in high school. There’s just something about someone coming off as prim and proper, with the ability to hold an intellectual conversation, that’s totally hot. They’re not arrogant or aggressive about it. You feel comfortable and the conversation is double-ended.
Narc Alert: Narcissists are clever and are often the greatest storytellers. They can fabricate an intricate story and mesmerize you with amazing statistics, trivia, and history of events…a virtual Einstein. They can talk incessantly about interesting information. However, you begin to notice that you haven’t gotten a word in in almost 45 minutes, and it looks like there is no sign of their stopping. They barely take a breath as they start into their opinion of politics. You attempt to add to the conversation, but you might as well be talking to the wall (actually, you’ll get more interaction that way). That’s a good sign you should feign an emergency text from your mom and call a taxi.
Real romance is something that takes a little time. It’s possible you might feel connected after only a few dinners, but you and your new date are still taking it a little slow. After all, neither of you want to come off as clingy or pushy. You think you have a keeper and you want to play your cards right. You might send one another a cutesy “Thinking of You” text a couple of times in between dates. Maybe he sends you flowers at work. It’s surprising and welcomed when she “pokes” you on Facebook.
Narc Alert: Narcissists take romance to a whole different level. You’ve never been love-bombed like this before. You receive ten text messages a day and they splash your Facebook page with messages of undying admiration. You’re the one they’ve been waiting for all of their life and the only one who “gets” them. You’re their soul mate and they’re so lucky to have finally found you.
Don’t pay attention to the words…focus on actions. Do you find yourself going out of your way for this new person while they seem to take it (and you) for granted? Do you somehow feel of lesser value than them, but can’t quite put your finger on why? Be extremely cautious when your new date talks marriage after only a few weeks, especially if there’s no ring. These are all classic traps of a Narcissist.
Lastly, If you happen to have an INFJ personality, are a nurturer, or have been told you are an Empath or HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)…run like your life depends on it (it does). Narcissists prey on these personality types…because they are usually able to suck them dry. They also scope out people with self-esteem issues and seem to have a radar for those with unresolved matters from childhood. If any of these situations apply to you, and you’ve seen the above warning signs, you may want to think long and hard about the new person in your life. They’ll promise you the stars, but you’ll find yourself in Dante’s seventh layer of hell.
Learning the warning signs of toxic relationships with narcissists is critical. Empowering yourself to see the warning signs listed above can encourage you to overcome your fear of falling victim again.
If you’re ready to go deeper and change your life right now, I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Essential Break Free Bootcamp.
I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.
Learn more here!