false twin flame

13 Signs You’re Dealing With A Narcissistic False Twin Flame

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You FINALLY met someone who is everything you’ve dreamed of.

They share the same goals, values, and interests as you.

They shower you with love. They build up your self-esteem.  They even like the same spiritual activities as you.

But then suddenly, everything starts to change. The person you thought was your twin flame disappears and a nefarious version of them replaces the good.

Is your soulmate buried under there somewhere – or are you captivated by a false twin flame?

The truth is, narcissists are expert manipulators – chameleons really – that exploit your longing for a soulmate to destroy your life with emotional abuse for their gain.

Are you continuing a toxic relationship, believing you’re experiencing the twin flame dynamic? Here are 13 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist rather than a genuine twin flame and how to break free.

How Narcissists Exploit the Twin Flame Dynamic

A narcissist can never be your twin flame because they change their emotions, actions, and words to fit every situation.

At the end of the day, someone with a narcissistic personality disorder does not experience emotions the same way you do. To them, emotions are tools to control and manipulate people.

It’s incorrect to say that narcissists lack empathy. In reality, they lack compassion and humanity.

Narcissists are skilled at using a potentially dangerous form of empathy that many people aren’t aware of.  It’s entirely different from emotional or compassionate empathy, which is what most of us think of when we hear the term ‘empathy’.

They know what you want from a relationship and they know what to do to keep you hooked. The narcissist will get into your head and say all the right things. They’ll lead you on just long enough to capture your full attention.

Then, one day, a switch flips.

The person you thought was your soulmate suddenly starts fights over petty things. They’re putting you down constantly. You’re second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself – but NOT the relationship, right?

If you honestly believe this person is your soulmate, surely, they know what’s best for you, right?

Maybe you should make some changes. After all, you don’t want to lose them.  Sound familiar?

That’s a false twin flame dynamic and part of the narcissistic abuse cycle.


13 Signs You’ve Encountered a Narcissistic False Twin Flame

Narcissists know how to manipulate people. This is why all your friends see a completely different person and often won’t believe you when you describe the toxic behavior and abuse you endure.

It’s also why you found yourself in this situation in the first place. You were duped and exploited.

If the points below sound familiar, you’re likely experiencing a false twin flame relationship with a narcissist.

 1 – You’re Living in a Toxic Déjà vu

Perhaps you spent too long at dinner with your friends. Maybe you received a “how are you” text message from someone the narcissist doesn’t like or trust.

Either way, you’re having the same nasty fight over and over again.

Of course, the narcissist will frame their jealousy and controlling nature in a positive light and portray themselves as the real victim:

 “I just worry about you” or “I just love you so much that I want you all to myself” they’ll say.

2 – You Feel like You’re Working Overtime to “Pull” Out Their Emotional Side

You’ll tell yourself, “they’ve been cheated on and hurt in the past so it’s only natural that they don’t want to open up – yet.”

You’re doing all the emotional labor and they’re completely emotionally unavailable. Anyone who’s ever watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has heard of the DENNIS system, where he leads women on with snippets of contrived vulnerability.

You’ll have moments where you feel like you’ve finally made an emotional breakthrough only to have them disappear into the emotional void again.

3 – They Keep You at Arm’s Length

A false twin flame will have a dozen “legitimate” reasons why they can’t commit – and they’re all a big load of BS.

They’re too busy to give you the attention you deserve.

They still have feelings for their ex.

Their kids are their whole life.

In all these situations, the narcissist has made YOU the bad guy if you try to push them to commit – what kind of monster would force someone to take time away from their children?!

It can be easy to latch on to the ‘They’re the Runner! I’m the Chaser!’ to help make sense of what you are feeling.  Some so-called twin flame experts claim you won’t know you’ve met your twin flame until after you’ve separated.  This misinformation may inspire you to hold out indefinitely for a person who has absolutely no plans for a future with you.  Because, in reality, you aren’t experiencing divine separation.  You’re getting the silent treatment due to the fact you’re dealing with a narcissist.

4 – You’re Making Excuses for Their Crappy Behavior

You can be honest here: They treat you like crap, don’t they?

Still, you make excuses for them in your mind because you want so badly to believe that this is your twin flame.

In the beginning, they put on such a good front that the connection seemed entirely real.

Hint: it wasn’t. It was a masquerade the whole time.  

If you find yourself being treated without kindness or love, walk away. This is not a twin flame reunion.  

5 – They’re Seeing Other People

Big red flag here.

Please, don’t tell yourself “they’re just a free spirit who can’t be tied down.” They’re using you – and everyone else they’re seeing.

Of course, we’re not talking about mutually agreed on open relationships where you’ve discussed this together (although a narcissist loves to take advantage of one-sided open relationships). 

If you’ve caught the narcissist cheating and they claim polyamory, your first inclination might be to join the narcissist’s love tribe to avoid losing him or her.  But think hard and deep about what you could be getting yourself into.  Because, truth be told, most narcissists who claim to be polyamorous are simply using it as an excuse to keep an ongoing string of lovers at their beck and call.

6 – What They Say and Do are Two Totally Different Things

Simply put, a narcissist false twin flame will say anything to keep you engaged and attentive.

They’ll tell you they have all the same hobbies and love all the same books, but their actions tell a completely different story.

The truth is, the narcissist has completely lied to you. A true twin flame’s words and actions will always be aligned. 

7 – The Unconditional Love You Give Isn’t Returned

When your partner makes mistakes – big or small – you try to talk it over, work through the differences, and move on. That’s what people do in healthy relationships.

But this relationship isn’t healthy. When you make a mistake – no matter how small – it immediately turns into a five-alarm fire. How could you attack someone you love like this?!

In healthy relationships, it’s normal to say something like, “Hey, when you do so-and-so it bothers me.” When you’ve tried this in the past, you’ve expected your partner to react with compassion and apologize. However, that’s not what happens when you’re dealing with a narcissist. Instead, they start a massive fight and YOU end up apologizing to THEM. They’re always the victim.

A true twin flame won’t make you feel miserable about yourself.  You may experience needed areas of growth, but such growth will be the fruit of expansion and nurturing.  A twin flame won’t tear you down…quite the opposite.  They’ll make you feel held and accept you for who you are.

8 – They Sound Like a Completely Different Person Around Others

I can’t stress enough that narcissists are master manipulators. They manipulate everyone they encounter.

On the rare occasion you and the narcissist go out with friends (I’ll explain more about this later), they suddenly turn into a completely different person you don’t even recognize.

For example, let’s say that your partner doesn’t know the first thing about cars. Last week, their battery died and they had to call AAA. Yet, here you are at dinner with friends and they’re chatting up your mechanic friend about how much they LOVE cars.

Replace cars in this situation with anything – cooking, sewing, basketball, history, geopolitics, you name it. You had no idea they knew so much about cars (or whatever).

Well, that’s because they don’t.

Narcissists need people to like them. And not just like them – they need people to admire them and think highly of them.

They’re NOT who you thought they were. In fact, they probably don’t even know who they are themselves! That’s how shallow narcissists are. They’re a false twin flame that will shapeshift to fit any role they need.

9 – They Bring Out the Worst in You

A true twin flame should bring out the best in you.

Phrases like “you’ll do better next time,” “great job,” and “I love you no matter what” should all be extremely common.

A narcissist will shower you with this praise – in the beginning. It’s called love bombing and the narcissist does this to hook you.

Over time, the veneer of support will disappear, and they’ll start instigating your worst qualities. You’ll find yourself lashing out, hurling insults, and just generally stooping to their level.

The false twin flame will tell you that this toxic behavior is all part of love. It’s not.

10 – You’re Constantly Trying to Live Up to Their Unrealistic Expectations

Again, a true twin flame will try to support your best qualities and build you up.

A narcissist false twin flame will set a bunch of unrealistic expectations that you’ll never be able to live up to – but that’s the whole point.

The narcissist wants you to become consumed with pleasing them. The point isn’t to actually please them – that’s impossible. The point is to keep you in a state of fear, trying desperately to keep the peace.

11 – The Relationship Has Consumed All of Your Energy

Every time you get ready to leave the house, do you think, “will they get angry that I’m leaving without telling them?”

Do you feel a sinking feeling when your phone buzzes while you’re out because you know it’s going to be an angry text filled with slurs?

A narcissist will do everything they can to isolate you from your friends and loved ones. They will consume all your time and energy with petty fights and spinning in place.

A true twin flame, on the other hand, encourages you to maintain your identity separate from them.  There’s no need to isolate you from the other people in your life.  You still maintain your freedom even though you’re in a relationship with them.

12 – You’re Giving Up Parts of Your Identity to Match Theirs

Aside from consuming your mental and physical energy, a false twin flame will completely erase your identity.

Your interests, goals, hobbies, values, opinions, other relationships – gone.

A narcissist wants you to focus all your energy and values on them. They become your identity.

A true twin flame will want to watch you thrive as your own person.  You will never lose your identity with your true twin flame.  Instead, you will experience expansion beyond anything you ever imagined. 

13 – You’ve Completely Abandoned Boundaries

Some people are duped into believing it’s cute to share phone passcodes and erase bathroom boundaries.

Removing boundaries like this does not mean you’re on a different spiritual level than other folks who are in romantic relationships. The narcissist wants you to feel physically attached to them – like you’re an extension of them because that’s exactly how they view you.

A true twin flame connection will not include nonexistent boundaries which only serve to form a codependent relationship.  Twin flame boundaries come from a place of peaceful love, not shame or the violation of your dignity as an individual.

How Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Can Help

Narcissistic abuse destroys everything you thought you knew about yourself. A narcissist will completely drain you of your identity and replace it with their own.

All your thoughts, all your energy, everything you do – it’s all to appease the narcissist and build their ego.

That’s not a twin flame relationship. It’s emotional abuse.

Narcissistic abuse recovery is vital for rebuilding your identity after experiencing a false twin flame. Not only that, it’s critical to learn how to identify the signs of narcissistic abuse before you find yourself knee-deep in another toxic relationship with no exit strategy.

You may well find your true twin flame – and they won’t put you down, devalue you, or fill your life with anxiety and worry. They’ll support you and build you up – and not only in a superficial manner to manipulate you.  True twin flames are too closely connected and too spiritually evolved to ever intentionally hurt or manipulate you.

You deserve better – much better – and you’ll find it faster if you release any toxic relationships you may be in so you can make space for healing and divine connection.

twin flame

How To Get Started Narcissistic Abuse Recovery 

If you’re ready to go deep and change your life right now, I offer a wide range of effective resources and techniques to protect against toxic people – in my bestselling program, The Break Free Program.

I’m excited to share with you the psychological tools I and thousands of others have used to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Explore techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuro-psychological communities) to finally heal your life.

Learn more here!

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Leave a Comment:

Nicky says August 25, 2022

Thank you so much! I’d read about twin flames and cringed at some of the ‘natural’ signs of a twin flame dynamic. However, this really puts things in perspective, and has opened my eyes! Thank you so much, Kim!

Karin says October 23, 2021

Sadly Spot On what happened over the last year.
Told myself he is the runner etc. over and over again.

Nope he isn’t. Just a “good” example of a narcissistic personality.

Kara says August 3, 2021

So I just got out of a 6 year relationship with one. And yes it’s crazy bc everything you stated in this was pretty much true but I’ve had multiple readings about my twin flame and both said as I have my birthdays and everything to them that this person was actually my twin flame. So I don’t know what to believe. I know generational traumas are passed down and learn from childhood and many adults still struggle with their inner child and at least in my case that’s how my narc came about. So it hard and I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m crushed and I’m very fresh in the healing stages right now but I don’t know what to believe in the sense of have reading from two different people both saying that we are twin flames and that there is another outside force that doesn’t want this relationship to happen and and that’s my twin flame isn’t opening up to their true self

Vicki says June 29, 2021

WOW!! You just explained the past 13 years of my life. I did not have a clue about narcissistic people until I started reading your emails. I’ve recently got out of the relationship 8 months ago. What a battle n I’m still getting emails from him as that is the only thing I have not changed. I have gone no contact with the help of a court approved DANCO. I am finally coming out of my seclusion but am still in fear. I keep telling myself, faith over fear. My anxiety and fear has been at an all time max. I am in counseling n reading your emails have been a tremendous help. Through your emails I have realized that I am not alone and others have and are going through the same thing. Thank you for all of the helpful information as I keep reading I am able to put one foot in front of the other. Slow n steady until I feel ready.
You are truly amazing.

Bruce says June 29, 2021

Thanks Again …. Kim the Twin Flame e-mail is just so spot on perfectly described. .. You ROCK Kim…… Bless you Girl…..

Anonymous says February 25, 2021

I suppose 13 out of 13 is pretty bad result. :/

Anonymous says December 27, 2020

Why would a year have changed him? I fell for it again and got burnt again. They only want what they cannot have. If they get you back, the discard bs cycle will come around again. What’s one more time feeling like a complete fool just because you wanted love? Ugh…

Craig Tillotson says November 20, 2020

I need help for a friend, I don’t know what to do. She started dating this guy 10 months ago and from the beginning there were red flags that she saw but progressed with the first date anyway. He amazingly got in a car crash the night of the first date which we find out later was a lie so she had to pick him up. By the second date she fell hopelessly in love and left to be with him every day for 2 weeks. Until one night he had as she best described as a demonic moment where she actually thought that he was possessed. she was terrified but within days he convinced her that she saved him. I was there to comfort her when that happened she litterally was so scared she was like a jacket on me, every rustle of a leaf would make her jump. Within a weeks time he convinced her that I was the bad guy because I was telling her to stay away because of what he had done. because I brought up the traumatic night I was just trying to scare her and he was trying to make her feel better by forgetting it. Soon I was excluded from her life again until he lost his house because he actually didn’t have a job or anything he claimed and he lived in one of his mothers houses and she thought he was doing drugs so kicked him out… which he was but made my friend believe he wasnt its just a mental disorder that made him seem high sometimes. To shorten up this story a bit he would literally get caught either lying to her cheating on her doing drugs, raping her, physically abusing her and mentally abusing her. We have fought over and over again as I tried to get her to see but he would always love bomb her and gaslight her telling her its a mental disorder he has DID and BPD but he truly loves her and its a unbound soulmate love they have and he needs her to be with him through this. If she catches him than its I will kill myself and put you on video so you can watch and I can make you really suffer. So she goes up there and within a day they are both claiming this twin flame and that they are meant to be together. From what I just read it sounds like he is manipulating that as well, she is at the point that she feels like she is losing her mind but is also sick of me trying to tell her he is a narcasistic sociopath and she needs to get away from him. What can I do I can’t continue to watch my friend go down this path of self destruction and the fact that he has been physically abusive and actually driven 110 mph down the road threatening to kill them both as she pleaded to him to let her see her babies again, he just said your now pleading for your life and laughed. he claimed he remembered none of it and it was his DID alter. Any help and direction please because I don’t want my friend to completely lose it or end up in the obituaries.

Weronika says May 16, 2020

It’s so really difficult to accept, especially when you’re going through this for several years, what was something magical at the beginning, but quickly turned into the worst deep darkness, that really made that you becommen a worse person, full of anger and anxiety, still experiencing repeated pain, over and over again, When you get realized that you finally met THE ONE, after all the pain, you cant believe just can’t, that you could meet someone who would destroy you, again
So it’s easier to think that he is The twin flame, but he just need a time, or that he will finally back, or he’ll change himself, and he will love, you actually don’t even remember why you fell in love with him because all that you remember is a bond, eternal and lasting from years, and you just lose next one every year because you still can’t accept that he would really refuse you and not love as you do
But when pass a next year with no response i finally realized that it’s something wrong
that, after 4 years Changed NOTHING
i think that in real healing with your real love you change for someone better, you’re going out of the pain and see the more light after every wound you again coming back to, but there’ s completely Nothing
Like you really wasted time
It was fake
It’s hard to think that all you were suffering was just a hole without a bottom and that led you to nowhere
that’s why you still last in this because you cant accept that you wasted so many times

    Juanita M Jones says June 29, 2021

    I am exhausted from dealing with the narc. The only time I find peace, happiness & contentment is when the narc is out of my sight.

Heidi Zysk says February 25, 2020

Your posts on narcissistic behavior are very helpful. This one on false twin flames is right on. I recognized the signs and shut him down. You’re reinforcing everything I’ve been witnessing. Thank you for your insight.

    ALEXA says March 18, 2020




Anonymous says February 12, 2020

I am so ready to get out of this rat race with my ex-narc!

    ALEXA says March 18, 2020




Julia says February 12, 2020

Nice poem, describes them well!

Julia says February 12, 2020

All you have talked about is what I have been living for 35 years but it’s gotten way worse in the last 5 years. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I did divorce him but he now lives next door to me WOW, it’s terrible! Unable to sell my house yet!

Dee says December 12, 2019

All that glitters is not gold,
With narcissists about I’m told,
Their warm smile hides their nasty mind,
“Love-less” best describes their kind,
I’ve boundaries now their mask has slipped,
No longer will my switch be flipped,
From here on I choose what’s meant for me,
And I will flourish; just wait and see.

Thanks for your daily emails that have been a great help


    Julia says February 12, 2020

    Nice poem! I also write, not as good ad I use to however.

    ALEXA says March 18, 2020

    HI DEE,


Troy Shore says December 10, 2019

This one floored me. That was my relationship to a T.

Sharon Hoffer says November 12, 2019

WOW, reading this felt like I was in a one on one session with you Kim, and you had just summed up perfectly how my 18 year relationship turned out.
I’m so glad I left my narc in January this year, and doing your Breakfree Bootcamp was a huge step in my healing. Seeing a therapist was good, but you and your course actually healed me. Thank you so much for that.
Now this article just perfectly sums up the whole thing, and as I read it, I just say yep he did that, yep it was like that, to each and every point. It’s a scary reminder of how low my life had sunk.
I’m now ten months without him, and healing not only my past, but my health, and my soul. I’m working part time and studying horticulture, something I wanted to do for years, but of course never had the space or support to do. The more I loved something else, the more my ex narc would come up with a fight, or an illness, to keep me busy and spinning as you say!
Thank you Kim, you are an angel on earth to me ???

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