Dear Kim – Should I Tell the Narcissist They Are a Narcissist?

[…] don’t make the mistake of believing that sharing your findings that they could be a narcissist will help.  It won’t.  This will only instill righteous indignation in them because they are unique […]

Thanks Kim. I have read your posts for months now. This is my 1st post. You are a life saver.

My only thought is while you are 99% doomed from the start when trying to get counseling with a Narc, there is one good outcome. When you get into the “would of, could of, should of” phase of your recovery, you won’t look back and wonder if maybe, just maybe your Narc might have been in the 1% that might actually have hope!

Thanks again to Kim as well as all of the others that post their stories. While it is sad to see that you are suffering, there is great comfort in knowing we are not alone and are the crazy ones!

[…] don’t make the mistake of believing that sharing your findings that they could be a narcissist will help.  It […]

Reblogged this on tamdef.

Agree 100%. I did call my ex out on being a Narcissist / Sociopath and he has made my life a living hell ever since. We have a child together but regardless of this, I have been 100% No Contact since August 2014. He only sees our daughter 4 days a month so there is no need for excessive communication. Last month, in February, we ‘tried’ mediation – it was a nightmare! He spent 30 minutes calling me every name under the sun and accusing me of everything that he had done whilst I spent this time trying to defend myself (Stupid I know). After 6 months of healing and NC, he set me right back again. He has stalked me, both physical and cyber stalking, run smear campaigns that made my head spin, threatened my family members, and now uses our daughter to try and gain control back – it never ends. I will never fall for that trap again. If you can, leave quietly and anonymously and run, far away and DONT EVER look back!

Thanks for this Kim you’ve explained it well. I went to one session and it was enough to tell me how futile it would be. He jumped in and complained about me and I wasn’t given a chance to say my part. I was sick for hours after with no one to debrief with. I can see that either I would have likely been withholding things to keep the peace with him, plus I was told by him there were things I couldn’t talk about such as past aggression that might get him into trouble. We broke up soon after and that was a year ago which I’m celebrating now.

Dear Kim! Your words resound with my life! They affect me profoundly as my husband of nearly 40 years was a malignant narcissist ! He died 6 months ago : still f ….. Ing me till the day he died! Leaving debts : making my adult children executors of HIS will! I was a non entity! His sbuses of me was extreme ! He wanted me to die : yet he died of brain cancer and I am struggling to accept my lie of a life ! I loved unconditionally and he hated me : I disgusted him : I was the worst mother : just ask my son( who was good lies about me at 8 that I worked only to get away from himan daw technology to divorce my family( whom I adored) ! He kicked me out if my homes ; took home way from me ! I lived I a hotel for 6 months : he re- enacted my childhood sexual abuse: he killed 2 dogs and gave away my dog I rescued without my knowledge! He told everybody that I was a either a prostiutr or a whore and I was a nutter and abusive. None
Of which was true! Indeed it was a projection of everything he was ! What I was wondering is if you do counselling as I’m not doing well! Indeed it’s getting worse as I have complicated grief and loss and complicated ptsd ! Regards !

Dr Kim…after five years of being in a roller coaster with my narcissist i started to love out of my tummy by your third paragraph. Nobody have ever describe my situation so much correctly…i am stunt. Nobody understand it..first time anybody explain it the correct way to me. The couple therapy…the rage after telling him he is is Narcissist and it was hilarious watching him seducing the therapist…and yes it freaked me out and i played into his arms by crying and screaming at her for not seeing it…and she just stayed calm….after all the flying monkeys and projection and all the the other tricks he realize that i figured him out and he is giving me and his child silent treatment…my little girl is now freaking out cause daddy is ignoring her. Losing friends and jobs is nothing new…he succesfully broke me down in not believing in anything like a normal life and world anymore. My question is …where do you go ..where do you run and start over again???

My Narcissist is my son. He charms everyone he meets with his fine manners and sense of humor, but before long he forces his opinion on them, tries to turn one person against the other, puts everyone down and embarrasses everybody, not realizing how bad it makes him look. I was his primary target. I knew he was toxic, but had no name for it. I was already in therapy for my own PTSD and other problems which made me ripe for his attacks. With professional back-up I was able to ascertain my only problem was my reaction to my son. Then I realized he had been treating everyone badly, even his ill father until his father died, and his sister and brother. He blamed each of us for the real or imagined faults of one another. He moved away after disowning me. He is somewhere out of state now, and while it is not my job to fix him, I am still his mother and wish more for him than the isolation he finds for himself when he has no one to belittle or attack. He is 42 years old, never married, never in a close relationship. Is there any way out for him?

I fully agree with you Kim and the other comments above. I couldn’t get my ex to a joint counselor for years…so I went alone (it was “my problem” after all.) I learned some communication tips, but even those didn’t work. I lived confused and felt at fault for everything for another 6 years. Finally, in the last months of our marriage, she agreed to see a counselor together. We took tests and answered questionnaires. I took several notes and I broke down during a few sessions watching my marriage turn to rubble and fall into a sea of lies. She sat, arms crossed, barely listening…looking at me like I needed to “get fixed.” The advice the therapist gave me…”it’s unattractive for a woman to see a man’s emotions like this.” Hogwash!…I rarely show a tear for no reason, but I watched my everything turn into nothing and I never understood what happened. Skip the therapy and RUN!

I went to counselling with my ex-Narcissist (before I knew). He used this experience to manipulate me more. He started to intentionally make me upset (getting caught lying, cheating, breaking promises) and then use therapist techniques to talk to me, get inside my head and destroy me. Ultimately, going to therapy with a Narcissist is a waste of time and can make things ten times worse.

Hi Kim, I agree with your response and am interested to see other comments concur. It is a futile exercise, I think, and only fraught with more angst and mind games for the victim.

Agreed. Narcissists live in a web of deception–including self-deception. They cannot see that they have a problem. The suggestion that they do will sound ridiculous and completely unbelievable to them.

They also project all of their own motives and methods onto others. Not having any care for others’ lives or feelings themselves, they don’t believe anyone else does, either. So they will think you are self-centered, manipulative, and just doing this “counselor thing” to try to embarrass them and get one up on them. In their mind the relationship is a power struggle–and they aim to be, and to stay, on top.

Though not impossible, it is very rare for any narcissist to pierce the fog of illusion (including self-illusion) that they surround themselves with enough to recognize their own complete self-centeredness. If they could pierce that illusion, and see and admit that they are a wreck of a human being in need of serious rehabilitation, then they might be able to begin the difficult and painful process of self-change.

But for those under their thrall, this is so unlikely to happen that it is better to simply assume that it’s never going to happen, and to take the appropriate action. Usually that action is to get away from them.

In fact, if you truly care about the narcissist, the best thing to do is to leave them. The only slim, tiny ray of hope that they will ever pierce their own self-illusions is that their life will become an obvious, visible wreck. From the wreckage of their life they may finally see some glimmer of truth about themselves. That’s still very unlikely to happen. From the wreckage of their life, they are much more likely to blame everyone else.

However, as long as you are with them, it will never happen, because with you to control, life is “good” for them.

Get away. It’s the best thing for them, and more importantly, for yourself and those you love.

I completely agree with everything that Kim says above. The only other bit is that most of the narcissists I have known are genius at meeting their own needs. You may be unhappy, but is he? If he is not unhappy, he has no motivation to change. He does not care if you are happy or not.

I agree 100 per Cent. . It is an exercise in futility trying to confront a true Narcissist. They live in an alternative universe.

I’m with you, Kim – there is no cure but time and distance away from the N. My ex claimed he was in therapy after I left. Even told me his therapist diagnosed him with PTSD and depression. Of course, there was no proof that he was actually going to therapy and I didn’t fall for that ploy. Narc free for over a year now and I couldn’t be happier.

I completely agree with you, Kim. Narcissism is akin to sociopathy. Confronting the narcissist is likely to be met with derision and then later, potentially violence. Removing oneself from involvement and then healing is the prudent course.