leave a narcissist

The No-Contact Challenge ~ Quitting Your Narcissist

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leave a narcissist

The first step in recovering from Narcissistic abuse is going No Contact.  Yet, many people get stuck in this stage.  Whether it’s due to a need for closure, crippling self-esteem issues, a need for revenge, or the inability to let go, allowing your Ex to contact you (or you contacting your EX) will keep you in an endless cycle of misery and pain.

Often, our misery is the result of choices we make.  As humans, we are extremely creative in our ability to deny the negative consequences of those choices.  In other words, we are so addicted to the crazy cycles we’ve created with our Narcissistic partner, we find any excuse to let them back into our world so we can feel a momentary high.  But just as the alcoholic gives in and goes on a bender, there will be a price to pay for violating No Contact. If you drive down the same road day after day, your car will default to the ruts, and in doing so, reinforce the prior patterns in the dirt.  If you want to get out of the rut, you will need to consciously choose another path and reinforce this new path until it becomes your established way of traveling.  Similarly, if you want a different life free from the toxic effects of your Narcissist, you need to choose a different path — a path to freedom**.  

The first step is going No Contact. The relationship with a Narcissist is an emotional and bio-chemical addiction.  Because of this, the steps to “quitting your Narcissist” are the same as quitting an addiction to alcohol or substances.  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  We can also recreate ourselves.  People do it every day. So, how do you finally complete this crucial step?  First, let’s talk about what No Contact really means.

  • No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your cell phone.  Then, delete all voice mails in your “blocked” folder without listening to them.
  • No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your email accounts.  All of them.  If you are the type that needs to explain what you are doing, then send a final email, and then block them.  Don’t leave yourself open for a reply because doing so will only lead to more crazy-making.
  • No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your social networks.  All of them.  There is absolutely no reason to keep them on your “friends” list.  This only leaves a window for you to monitor their activities online and is one reason why people remain so devastated.  Don’t do that to yourself.
  • No Contact is – Changing your cell phone number if necessary and only giving it to friends and family.  Not your Ex.
  • No Contact is – Not answering the door if they come over.  And they might.  Don’t crack the door so you can tell them you’re fulfilling the No Contact rule.  It’s counter-productive and shows the Narc they are winning, which is all they want in the first place.  If they insist, walk away from the door, go to your room, put in ear plugs, sing a ditty, or hook yourself up with earphones and your favorite song/meditation on YouTube.  Pretend they aren’t there. If you begin to worry for your safety, go file a restraining order.  No need to inform them you will do it, just do it.
  • No Contact is – Letting a trusted friend open letters sent USPS to determine if they’re related to a legal matter or just their attempt at Hoovering).  If they’re Hoovering attempts, let same friend destroy the letters, unless there’s concern of stalking and harassment.
  • No Contact is – Not replying to friends they send your way in order to pump you for information.
  • No Contact is – Not accepting any new “friend requests” on social networks, especially if it’s a request with no picture and was JUST established.

What No Contact Isn’t:

  • No Contact Isn’t – a statement, a tool for revenge, or an event.  It’s a decision to sever the relationship so you can save what’s left of your true self, heal, and hopefully go on to live a better life.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them with complete access to call you and deciding if you will answer the phone or not when they call.  That’s not No Contact…that’s “no response”.  Leaving them with access to contact you will eventually cause you to give in.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them on your “friends” list on your social networks so you can covertly show them how happy you are in order to make them jealous or miss you OR so you can post pretty pictures of yourself to make them “regret” how they treated you.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Ignoring them for a few days to teach them a lesson, and then letting them back in as if nothing happened.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Asking your mutual acquaintances about your Ex so you can find out if they are dating again.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Sending a message or text that you will be going “No Contact” and then caving in when they start throwing a fit.  They will throw a fit.  Save yourself the drama.  Keep those lines of communication blocked.
  • No Contact Isn’t – Telling all your friends that you’ve gone No Contact, but secretly communicating with your Ex because you’re embarrassed of the truth.

Frequently Asked Questions about No Contact:

  • Will it be hard?  Yes.  It will possibly be the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life.
  • Does No Contact mean I am giving up on the relationship?  I don’t like being a quitter No Contact is not giving up on the relationship.  It is deciding you deserve happiness, respect, and peace of mind.  Staying in a toxic relationship that will eventually lead to your complete devastation isn’t noble.  “Staying the course, no matter what” is an archaic, dogmatic “rule of life” that’s been passed down through generations and perpetuates toxic relationship dynamics.
  • What will my Narc do when they figure out what is going on?  There is absolutely no limit to what they will do.  According to dailystrength.org:

They will attempt to re-establish contact once they realize they are being ignored. By sticking to “No Contact” you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you. It also helps to understand the reason behind some of their erratic behavior when they seem almost desperate to get you “back on board”. The reason for this is simple. Your indifference is making him panic because he has tried using the techniques that usually work for him but they are not working this time and this will be making him feel very insecure indeed. If you persist with “no contact” he is likely to respond to this by using all of the weapons in his arsenal in an attempt to force you to yield.

He may use intimidation. He may try to provoke you with nasty remarks that he thinks you will not be able to resist responding to. He may try flattery, telling you how no one else compares to you or perhaps he will even apologize (both completely insincere of course). Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behavior. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person. REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why “pity” is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realizes that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone. 

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Janeen says June 13, 2020

Kim. Thank you so much. I needed this at this very moment. You are a blessing

Janine says April 5, 2020

My ex keeps sending me romantic love songs.. mostly sad.. when I asked him why, he said he didn’t know.. he just wanted me to know know he felt.. he’s crazy and wants to drive me crazy too. He cheated. Multiple times. And he still thinks he’s a victim somehow. He wants to believe he’s this perfect person. Everyone loves him. It’s crazy.

Suzanne says March 19, 2019

Hello Kim, do you have some articles on how to do a limited contact when a child is involved? I try to follow these rules and only contact my ex husband narc with reguards to our daughter and visitation. However, he is trying to make small talk and conversations in front of our daughter when I feel i have to play nice. He even tells her how we are still a family even though he is living with a girlfriend he made before we were divorced. I had a restraining order during the one year mandatory separation so that no contact was easy then. He really knows how to push my buttons so I try my best to not react. Any advice?

Tanja says June 5, 2018

When a person has to many excuses, normally they in up in lies. You will know when you are tired of the excuses. It has been going on 2 years of no contact and I’m thankful that I did. Just looking at him when he made an excuse just made me sick so he had to go. There were no hope that he would change because if he haven’t changed by now, well he never will so he had to go. It was a little easier to let go because once I figure out what he was, I believe him.

Tanja says June 5, 2018

When a person has to many excuses, normally they in up in lies.

Krista Collins says April 13, 2018

I am about to end things, go no contact. Should I send a message first to explain that I am ending things. I’ve been involved for 3.5 yrs so I feel I need to tell him how I feel about him and why I am ending it.
Should I do this? If not, what should I say. I cant just block without an explaination. Please help.
Thanks Krista

    Kim Saeed says April 13, 2018

    Hi Krista,

    The best way to approach this is to gather all your things and leave. Once you’re in a safe space, block him from being able to contact you, then you can send a certified letter explaining your reasons for leaving. You don’t need his approval or his agreement with your reasons. This is about you and your emotional safety. If he were going to be a stand-up guy, he would’ve proven himself to be one by now.

    I’m proud of your bravery. Wishing you the best.


      krista Collins says April 13, 2018

      Hi Kim
      Thanks for your reply. I am not living with him, we have been seeing each other for over 3 years. He has got progressively worse over time (its all psychological torture, not physical).
      He constantly changes his contact style, and becomes aloof, and then he is back on being lovely again. If I say anything about being consistent and having a mutual respect for each other, he is nice for about 3 days and then reverts back to his old ways again. Being moody, withdrawing affection (wont kiss me), and other stuff.
      If I get really upset, he takes it like I am critising him but Im not, just expressing my sadness at the way he is.
      He then threatens to end the relationship, and I beg him not to. He never carries out th threat (has threatened to end it about 20 times in the last year).
      I am at the end of my tether now.
      I do love him, but I need to end things.

      I am really struggling to let go. I am not sure if he will be OK if I just block and go no contact. I feel like I need to explain. But what would happen if I don’t explain, and then never hear from him again.
      Its like I have invested over 3 years with someone for nothing.
      All I know is that it has to end….its toxic, but I am struggling to let go.

      Should I text him to say that its over with the reasons why? Please advise, thanks. x

    Tanja says June 6, 2018

    Krista, there is no use in telling a narcissist that you going no contact. They don’t care, you have to care about yourself and only you. The Narcissistic will use every trick in the book to get you back into his web. No good. Keep moving forward.

Lauren Cox says March 27, 2018

Thank you

Denise says September 3, 2017

I got my number changed. H cannot leave no more lying text. He can’t come over. I live in a high-rise apt I put him on the band list.

HP says August 28, 2016

First off, thanks for this resource for information about this phenomena. I established “no contact” with my N after having gone back a couple of times because she was “sick”. I have always been a caring person, but now I realize that the contact was getting me nowhere. It went from her wanting to prove that we were “meant to be” to her acting up in her usual ways again. To more verbal abuse than ever before. To more dissapernace and the nature of her “illness” shifting and changing to her wanting me to agree to seeing a therapist together to her deciding my neutral choices of therapists weren’t “good enough” for her. She literally had the audacity to suggest we see someone recommended by her ex wife (someone I believe she has gotten back together with during our relationship. Finally (we are long distance), she came to visit my city again, disappeared again and told me that we “would never be okay because I didn’t understand how good she was to me”. She said she couldn’t see a therapist anymore since the neutral choices weren’t “good enough”, then said she “maybe” would call me while she was here. Something just snapped in me and I didn’t answer her many calls and emails and texts and Facebook messages when she was finally “ready” to talk about meeting here. She accused me of being “sadistic” by not answering her for what she called “my idea and plan to meet with her”. She has since queried if I could “live with my behavior” (not responding to her) and that we would “never speak again” and that I “crushed her soul”. I decided that I was done and at the point of no contact more on a whim, but seeing her reactions just proves all of the things I have read and witnessed and experienced. And I am still feeling guilty (a day into this) for not explaining my lack of contact, I wonder if anyone thinks that we should give a “heads-up” about going no contact. I feel like a bad person not answering direct questions even though I know I am running from something that wasn’t good for me. She even said, accusingly, “the woman I thought I knew (me) would never just not answer and let me know she doesn’t want to meet. I was just done with the abuse. Thoughts? Thanks, community.

Katie says July 7, 2016

Amazing posts ladies! So I was wondering if it’s ok to join this still? I avoided saying my feelings, but now I feel ready, and all I want to do is get it all out, in a mature, healthy, way so I can finally heal.

    kimraya says July 8, 2016

    Please do, Katie. You’re among kindred spirits here 🙂

      Jenna says July 24, 2016

      Hi, I just went no contact with a man I have dated and had a very passionate sexual relationship with. It started three years ago, he came on strong at first very kind, remembered almost everything I told him, even down to what I liked in my coffee. The sex was very good, he told me I was his best and I felt like he was mine, more obsessed with pleasing me than anything. Then he started to get short with me, or didn’t answer at all. This back and fourth went on for three years. We live an hour away so never were fully committed to each other, at least he wasn’t. He promised me so many things, trips, football games, going places, expensive restaurants and NEVER followed through on any of it. There is just so much I don’t know how to even explain. When together he treated me so well always took to dinner, loved to just cuddle and hold me. He gave me a feeling of safety, and being a single mother it felt really good not to have to be in control. I fell for him quickly, I needed his attention and he was able to keep me on the hook.
      I never met his family or his children. I would tell him I think it’s safe to say you can trust me after this long. His excuse was “its not me, he just doesn’t let people in”. He told me once that he has his life in compartments and I am in one of them. He had no problem attending events I would invite him to, which I eventually stopped inviting him to.
      He would tell me stuff like this, this is a text he sent me recently :
      “Just to be clear I know your hot shit.I think your very fun and we get along well. You would make the perfect girlfriend/wife
      Your beautiful,smart and sexy and I am clearly attracted to you.
      So I’m sorry if this effects your self esteem
      It shouldn’t. Cause you are wonderful”

      My question always being, then why won’t you let me in????

      I am quite the detective so when he would start to “ghost me” I would end up being able to find out he was dating someone else. I would figure out a way to bring it up to him, and he would say they are just friends or he’s getting ready to stop seeing her because she’s crazy. I can just go on and on. He used the word “SOON” so much I came to hate it, because soon felt like never sometimes.
      When caught in a lie or just in general conversation he would tell me what I called “half truths” just enough to make me thing he was an honest man and he would never hurt me. When I would write him a long emotional email, he would always respond with a long email saying why he could never give me what I wanted or needed. That his life was to chaotic and busy. He was ALWAYS busy. Another excuse he over used.
      Sometimes when we would have an argument I was the one who would end up apologizing at the end. The fear of losing him was intense. I thought it was me, something I did something I said. He would ignore me when he got mad , but would lose his mind when I ignored him.
      He had this wonderful life full of activities that he never included me in but would tell me all about it in great detail. This would make me feel jealous and hurt, not good enough. It’s like I fell in love with that image, of the fun I would have with him.i did always wonder if his life was really as great as he portrayed it to be.
      He was always a gentlemen, always paid, always opened the door for me, a generous lover. But loved to talk about himself.
      Another thing I noticed but I’m not sure if I’m right . But it felt like he would do things that he knew would get a rise out of me. Like once he had me on airplane mode and I though he blocked my phone number. I got upset about it. Before I knew it, it seemed he was blocking me all the time. I would get so angry and he would say …sorry I broke my phone just got a new one, or he lost it etc etc.
      many times I have decided to say I was done( which never lasted long) and he seemed okay with it ? Almost like he was calling my bluff, so I would panic thinking how is it so easy for him to walk away. So I wouldn’t let him go.

      He lied even when he knew that I knew the truth. It was insane.
      My last straw was recently when he came to visit me and I had a feeling he was texting anther woman (an ex) while laying right next to me. I was insulted and later expressed that I was. He said it was just a guy friend (with the abbreviated name of his ex) and sometimes him and his buddy call each other “babe” and “Hun” I never saw what was one his phone , he was just acting sketchy. So he told on himself.
      After this I basically lost all touch with reality and started emailing him telling him how angry this made me, and how dare he . He proceeded to ignore me which angered me more. I then said I’m done and called him a sadistic human and told him to delete my number and that is when he messaged me. He said I’m upset over nothing , over something I think I saw. I mean do they really think that we are that stupid? That was it for me . He had broken me.
      I emailed him a few more times, he then sent me a text saying I should delete him like I said I was going to, telling me to leave him alone? That we were done? That I did this. So I accepted it and told him how I felt and said I needed to get out of this, then his tone totally changed .
      So a few days ago I said I was deleting and blocking him from my life, told him not to respond and said my last goodbye and proceeded to delete and block him. I have not mustered up the courage to delete our photos and messages yet but know I have to, to heal .
      Although it felt releiving, at the same time I feel completely shattered, I literally feel broken.
      Luckily two weeks before I went no contact I was feeling very very depressed, lonely and hopeless about life and my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin for me, and that has really helped me . I have had a few crying fits sometimes sadness sometimes anger. This is just the tip of the iceberg with him, there is so much more I can tell you. I don’t know if he is a narcissist for sure, but I’m hoping from my story someone could answer that for me? And WHY did I hang on for THREE years when he gave me nothing but heart ache ??? I sometimes wondered if I was self sabatoging myself. He made me feel like a lunatic at times, questioning my own sanity. I will add I’m considered an empath, and I from what I read we attract them and they attract us, but it’s very toxic.
      The really crazy thing that blows my mind.i want him to contact me again, I want him to beg for my attention, I want him to hurt and feel how I felt. But I don’t think he ever will.
      It’s saddens me to think he never really loved me, let alone cared : (

      Am I crazy?
      Or is he a Narcissist or sociopath?

        Rojak says November 17, 2016

        You are not crazy and he sounds like both…maybe even a bit of a psychopath. I have just gone thru and am still going thru the exact same torture. My soc.narc is an ex from 30 years ago who I was engaged to. He was also always very busy more than anyone I know but when we first hooked up, he would drive 65 miles to see me for a half hour in a blizzard. Now I was lucky to see him every 10 days. How does one become so busy. He stopped calling me about 7 weeks ago. I did see he tried to call my work number at times when I am not there (mostly at night) but leaves no message. This is one of he most draining things I have ever had to deal with…no contact. I have always loved him, and will always love him. The hardest part is knowing how I felt for him and thinking it wasn’t even half as much as he felt for me, and now, it was never real.

          Kris says February 16, 2017


        Misti says February 5, 2017

        I feel like we have been dating the same man.

          Anonymous says February 16, 2017

          Knowing my ex- maybe we were lol

        Beth says August 19, 2017

        I have never responded to anyone before but when I am reading your story (over a year after you posted it) I am literally sitting here wondering…”Is her ex Narc my ex Narc?!”

        Everything you described is almost exactly what my ex would do or say. To a “T”. And yes, he is a psychopath narcissist.
        And, I have felt and still am dealing with the same feelings you are in the aftermath of it all.

        It is horrific and evil.

        I contacted the ex girlfriend of my narc from before me on FB (he said she was a cheater and a sociopath. “Why did you stay with her so long then?” I asked. “I tried to love her through it all. But she refused to ever admit to her cheating and coveting other men. She was a big flirt”)
        He did ALL of the same stuff to her. She said it was a living hell. He cheated on her numerous times, lied, etc. She and I met in person and talked for hours. He took us both on trips to the same cities, all the same restaurants and coffee shops. She and I are the same height, blonde hair and blue eyes. We come from the same area of the same state (different from where we now live and dated the Narc).

        He did ALL of the same crazy making behavior with her that he has done with me.

        The worst of it all – he has a Phd in psychology and is a college professor.

        He triangulated with another woman while with me. My gut told me there was possibly someone else and I kept ignoring it. He was always SO calm. Called me jealous and insecure. “It’s because of your history, sweetie.” He would tell me I have abandonment issues. And that was why I would be insecure and leave him.

        I too could go on and on and on. Its absolutely insanity and I became more and more crazy. Anxiety, etc. I too went on Wellbuterin. After I did and we got back together shortly after, I was at his house and was taking my medication. He said, “don’t take that stuff. You don’t need it.” Again, he knows psychology and is a professor. He should know not to tell me to just stop a med when I was clearly starting to have anxiety and depression.

        It’s all just horrific. And will take my a long time to heal from it all. Him? Nope. He is still seeing the woman he was also seeing while with me. “Just a friend! God. You’re so jealous. Can’t I have friends?!”

        She contacted me eventually. Telling me they had been intimate all along. She was told I am crazy, a stalker, would possibly self-harm, and to just leave me be. “She’ll eventually go away.” All the while, he would reach out to me or respond when I reached out to him. Telling me, “She is just a friend. I don’t love her. I love you. So much. I miss you. Can we please get together. You’re the one for me.”

        I would go back. During intimacy he would say, “no more break ups. Do you hear me? No more. I love you!” Then he would turn cold days later and say something demeaning, pushing me away and to end it. I’d drive by the next night and there would be her car.

        Ugh. I’m going on and on but it’s just horrific. I lost myself totally. And staying no contact is SO hard. I don’t even want him back. I know it will only be hell. And I know now what he is. Yet, we have complex ptsd and Stockholm Syndrome. It’s a process of healing, I know. I was in such a great place before I met him. So content. And now…a million steps backwards.

        Again, it’s been a long time since you originally posted. But your story really spoke to me. I literally wondered if we had been seeing the same person. I hope you are doing well now.

        pamela says September 6, 2017

        this is so crazy…you described my relationship to the T….just ended after 3 years also!!!! these guys are all the same….

        Missinvisible says July 17, 2019

        Its weird when i read your comment, he sounds just like my ex. Youre not crazy, if he was decent he wouldnt do this to you.

Hoovering | textbooknarcissism says January 23, 2016

[…] truly want things to be different, it’s critical that you be the one to change by implementing No Contact and sticking to it.  Why?  Because the Narcissist only wants you to think he loves you.  He […]

Disillusioned says June 17, 2015

Thank you for the advice. Letting go is very hard but you are right staying in touch in any way even via other people’s accounts is helping! I hope you have now found happiness and peace.

Anonymous says June 16, 2015

dear disillusioned,
Hi again Im the second person who replied to your post and saw what you wrote and wanted to respond,Im gonna try and respond to everything you said and share some of my experiences too. Like you after i finally left my ex it was hard and painful,there i was alone, hurt, in pain, and he was out and about with the same chick he cheated on me with ( well the current one anyways) like it he didn’t lose his wife, it was like he didn’t lose anything important and in a way it was like he didn’t, he had someone already lined up to take my place, sad as it sounds but the truth hurts. As far as him not contacting you he might, just so that he can keep a foot in the door with you and so that you don’t fully move on, I remember one time i met my ex at fridays to talk and to try and leave the yr on a good note and make peace, as i was waiting for him, i started talking to one of the guys at the bar, turned out we knew some of the same people and we thought it was cool and funny that we never met but had so many people in common, and on cue here comes my ex and tells me he wants to talk outside, i told the guy ill catch up with you later, after my talk with my ex we started to leave and the guy caught up with us and asked fro my number, and as we were walking outside, he told my ex, hey i hope I’m not intruding or anything like are you guys something, and before he could answer i said no, no we’re not, numbers were exchanged and we left, my ex was furious and told me how i disrespected him and how could i do that, i was mad and told him he had no right to get mad, and that he had I’m sure a phone full of girls with numbers and pictures, need less to say that fight didn’t end well and i ended up with a dented car door, and him texting later saying he was sorry and that he didn’t know what to do about me and his feelings concerning me. I too tried to maintain a friendship with him, many of my friends told me not too, he wasn’t going to change and he only came around when he needed something, it was hurtful but also true, but i didn’t listen and i knew better, they didn’t know him like i did and i was determined to prove them wrong. but they were right, he would call for money, a place to crash, or when he needed A verbal punching bag. I cant speak for your person, but when it came to my ex, he portrayed so hard to the outside world how happy he was and how much he was into his current bunny, but the thing was he wasn’t, he’s never really satisfied and is always looking for something he feels is better, at times he would do good, keep a job for a yr or two but eventually his true self would come out and he would lose his jobs, had always a new shinny bunny, who didnt care he didn’t have a job.Like you i always questioned when will it be better for me, when will i stop missing him, when will i stop crying over a man that i hurt me both physically and emotionally and left me broken and me trying to pick up the pieces, why wasn’t i good enough, what was wrong with me, if i did this different then maybe he would’ve stayed, how could he act like 12 yrs was nothing, why does it get to be easy for him and not me, why isn’t he treating his bunnies better then he treated me a lot of years we were together. But something in me got tired, got tired of hurting over someone who was living their life without missing a beat,i don’t know how you feel about god but i started praying more, talking to god and at times when i couldn’t speak, i let my tears do the speaking, i started putting positive sayings around my home, i changed my number so that he couldn’t contact me,i blocked all his social media, i didn’t need to see his life or who was in it. I started going to the gym and getting back in shape and having a healthy out let for my emotions, i started writing my thoughts and feelings down so that i wouldn’t keep them bottled in. I told myself how i deserved better and that i was worth being loved at all times and not when it was just convienet, i read books by mandy hale also known as the single woman, books by joyce meyer. And no you didn’t get it wrong,you just were dealing with someone who didn’t appreciate you and didn’t treat you the way you should’ve been treated and thats with love and respect. It does get better but you have to stick to no contact, not to talk about him or inquire about him, not to take a peek into his life, they are good at putting on shows and making it look better then it really is. I hope i helped alittle, Good luck <3

Disillusioned says June 15, 2015

I am so tempted to try and email him, or text, to try and talk to him. I know this is self destructive behaviour but I really miss him. I thought he was my best friend. But today had it confirmed that he has moved in with her, only keeps his old house to have his children over. Also others telling me how happy he is with his new partner, what a good match they are. And the worse thing is no one knew he was seeing me. His shameful secret it would seem. Is it possible to be friends again after he has lied and cheated? Or am I just desperate to keep in touch in some way? How can we be friends when he has lied to me for the best part of three years. That’s not friendship or how you treat anyone you respect, so I can answer my own question with my head, but I find it so difficult knowing there is someone who meant so much to me that I can no longer talk to or share with.

    Anonymous says June 15, 2015

    Dear Disalutioned. I can only tell you that I did do all the calling and texting to my ex narc during our separation and even after our divorce was final. I thought he was my best friend still even though I not only found out about all his lies and cheating but he left me when we were married when I was deathly sick. I now over 6 months out realize I gained nothing as he to had a new girlfriend so I only put myself through the painful hurt twice!! I learned the hard way why Kim says no contact means just that. I even wished he would hover and be missing me. Sad sad to say that they go on there marry way like we never even mattered to them. Hard fact is that now we know their narc personality disorder we have to realize the whole relationship was a lie. I had a 17 year history with the man who was an engineer with the state and well respected in the town. My text and calling him just added to the smear campaign he already had going that I was mentally ill and he was the victim. I wish there was a magic pill that makes the pain go away for us the narc discards. I wish you the best and replied because your not alone in your thinking. I did break the no contact myself and only hurt myself more:(

    Anonymous says June 15, 2015

    Dear Disillusioned,
    I can only say from personal experience is do not contact him,once you do its all nice and sweet in the beginning,and then it goes back to exactly how it was before,with you by yourself and him with his new shinny object,the healing process is much longer and the discard just gets worse each time,I made the mistake of breaking the no contact rule,I met my narc when I was 18 yrs old,married him, with it totaling 12 yrs of my life with him,which included him losing jobs,having inappropriate friendships,random girls leaving me messages about my husband,abuse both physically and mentally,I finally left him after I caught him with one of his bunnies,what I called his women,I didn’t speak to him for a month and he sent a text and I broke the silence and started to communicate with him,he made it seem like he was done with the girl I caught him with but I knew he wasn’t and I let him back in,he moved into my home and stayed there for 6 months rent free,drove my car,and ate my food,and helped out here and there,he would lie to my face about certain woman and one night I went through his phone and saw the truth,not only was he talking to the girl I caught him with but others too,I was devasted,and confronted him,it lead to me being abused once again and it being my fault I went through his personal space,he eventually left and I could not break my attachment to him,he would call when he needs money and a place to stay,and only then,not because he wanted to talk to me or he missed me but because he needed something,he could go from cussing me out one min and calling me names to asking for gas money because he needed to get home,I finally changed my number and went full no contact,It was hard but it was something I needed to do for my self and my sanity, he now is with a 21 yr old that he has gotten pregnant,and I can only pray that she won’t go through what I went through but…. The story is always the same just different characters, it will be hard but do yourself a favor and stay away,not only for your health,but your sanity and peace of mind,don’t be his backup and don’t let yourself wait for him to leave her,even if he does leave,and comes back,he has another person he’s got on the side, do you read want a friendship from a man that lied and kept you hidden,you deserve love and peace and there is someone out there who can give it to you,you just need to believe and know you deserve it for yourself too,good luck

      Disillusioned says June 16, 2015

      Thank you to the two ‘anonymous’ replies and for sharing your experiences. I wish in some ways he would contact me as then I wouldn’t feel quite so worthless and rejected. He is a cerebral narc and so it seems from Kim’s posts that he will never contact me again as he can move on to his new woman and be happy and not care what happens to me, and this leaves me sad. That it is not possible to even be friends with someone who meant so much. I’ve decided though that if he is now happy then that is something, if something good can come from lies and causing another pain then at least someone is happy even if I am left distressed and emotionally a complete mess.

      When does the feeling of being able to stop replaying the lies happen? When does the physical missing being able to hold him stop? When does the tearfulness pass? When do I stop blaming myself for not being good enough and also for not walking away when he was treating me so badly? I don’t seem to be able to just let it go, but maybe 5 weeks of non contact isn’t that long after three year friendship one where we were physical and I believed we were in a relationship. but he kept me secret the whole time. I really did get it wrong…

Dee says May 30, 2015

It has been 4 days of no contact, I’m trying really hard. The loser keeps calling. I don’t answer. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant. I know he’s trying to use my pregnancy as a way to keep calling because he knows I can’t afford anything for my baby and don’t have a place to really call home either. No baby shower or anything. I’m worried, at the same time I just want him OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. I refuse to move back in with him, very abusive, and tears me down every chance he gets. Begs me to go to his family functions and when I do, he embarrasses me. Every night ended with him telling me I’m nothing. It hurts.. and its frustrating because before meeting this insensitive jerk I had a great job, a nice car, and a nice apartment. I lost all of it within a year. When I got pregnant he told me to stay at home and go to school, then just flipped and ran away. Now telling EVERYONE that I couldn’t stand on my own feet. Wow, what? This is crazy. He cheated the whole time. Tells me he is struggling with wanting to be with a lot of women, but lies to other people about me to make his self look good.. I’m very angry about it. I know its my own fault for staying thinking things would be better. I feel so bad for not leaving sooner. One occurrence that really melted my life was to go behind my back and be sneaky, gathering all of my family and his family to propose to me on his birthday last year. In front of everyone! Knowing he cheated two days before, I found out afterwards and stayed like a dummy. Now he claims he wants to be in his son’s life and I can’t stop him, but wished the Lord took my son away and shoved me plenty of times earlier in my pregnancy. This is my first kid. No matter if it was the second or third, no kid needs to see or feel this pain. I haven’t been able to enjoy my pregnancy and that’s what eating at me the most. I will never trust a man again. He’s stop giving me money for food and everything. I hope I can continue no contact without asking for nothing from the jerk. Its hard, I need a lot of things but I do not need him!

    Kim Saeed says May 31, 2015

    Dee, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You would probably qualify for assistance until you get back on your feet. In the meantime, it would be good to consider applying for primary physical custody after your baby is born, as well as child support. If he continues to stalk, harass, and be abusive, visit your local Domestic Violence center and see what they can do to help. Having this organization on your side will prove very helpful. Although they cannot represent you in court, they can help you prepare. It depends on the state, but here in Virginia, they are very familiar with emotional abuse and treat it the same as physical abuse. I hope you will check into all of these things. Wishing you the best of luck.

cheslie2001 says May 26, 2015

Btw I apologize for the several typos. I was literally responding through tears. .

cheslie2001 says May 25, 2015

How do i implement the ” No Contact” with a narcissistic ex whom I share a 3yr old daughter with? I was recently discarded by my ex and replaced by new supply. This was incredibly shocking to me and has left me devastated and heart broken. What boundaries can I set up. If you could please offer me advice and even encouragement on this I’d very much appreciate it. I am profoundly sad and am anguishing. .

    Kim Saeed says May 26, 2015

    Hi Chelsie. Checking in from my phone. I’m on the way to my son’s school but hope to get back to you very soon. Modified contact is a little more challenging but definitely doable. Hang in there!

      cheslie2001 says May 26, 2015

      Thank you for your email. I really look forward to your feedback. I’m feeling so isolated and alone, simply finding your blog yesterday have me hope. I’m so hurt and sad and embarrassed. Incredibly ashamed that I’m grieving over someone who really could care less about me our keeping our family together. Thank you again for your response. I hope to hear from you soon.

      cheslie2001 says May 30, 2015

      Kim, I was hoping to get some feedback from you on how to implement “No Contact” with my ex even though we share a 3yr old child. I am having a really hard time. I have never felt such overwhelming pain and sadness. I have blocked him from my email, erased my social networks(blocking wasn’t enough because I was tempted to look him up or his new gf and that was driving me insane) and he disconnected my cell phone(even reporting it stolen so he wouldn’t have to pay a disconnect fee which also meant I couldn’t re-activate it) and I haven’t given him my new number. He only has my home phone number so if he wants to speak to me, he has to call me at him. Am I doing this right? When will I feel better? I am so sad, Kim. Profoundly and hopelessly sad.

cheslie2001 says May 25, 2015

How do you implement the “No Contact” with a narcissistic ex who is also the father of your child? I’ve recently been “discarded” and replaced by new “supply”. My pain is raw and I’m still in complete shock. I’m trying to move on but have to maintain contact for the sake of our 3yr. old daughter. If you can offer me some advice and maybe some encouragement I’d really appreciate it. I’m profoundly sad and still anguishing…

eno says May 7, 2015

I didnt even know what a narcissist was until I read and every story is almost identical to mine. I dated my ex girlfriend now off and on for almost five years. I could never figure out why she could get so angry or shut down so fast. She could never keep her word and all she cared about was herself without exception. If she had.friends who were doing better than she was, she would always say they were jealous and had to be the center.of attention no matter what. As I grew more un accepting of her behavior she became more distant. She had these illusions of herself and I thinking how do you come up with that when I make the money and support and do everything. When she wouldn’t spend time with me always my fault. Everything makes so much sense now. I found out about her cheating by accident. I immediately went and repossessed my car and told her I needed her gone. She said let me use your car then if you arent mad. Then came the pity. The next day I returned all her belongings but not before a text tantrum that morning. I remember thinking no remorse at all. The very next day she asked me to help her wirh her bills once more via text. I remember thinking are you not aware of what took place yesterday. When I told her no she said have a nice life. I implemented no contact 2day’s later and am on day 8. What I can say is its hard but living like that is much harder. The way I found out about the cheating shows she was devaluing me and would have discarded me at some point soon. I’m glad.I at least told her I was done and she has to go. .victim’s are both men and women. Thanks to everyone for sharing. Hope we can all get through it together. Good luck and God bless you all

lp says May 1, 2015

he lives two blocks away, and I’ve never been addicted to any thing in my life, or any one but my babies, this is about that strong… I don’t know what I can do, I literally feel like I’m dying cuz he don’t see what he’s doing, obviously I do, or I would not be on this site. I need baby steps, closure seems so necessary & I can’t get it keeping a safe distance, but I have to. I really love him & hate this. But I feel like I’ve developed the Stockholm syndrome cuz he is worse then toxic or dangerous! Then there ate times he is my only savoir, no one in the world will help me, yet he will!

kaya 48 says April 25, 2015

Excellent article. I went no contact about 2 years ago when I was discarded by my narcissistic husband of over 20 years. I filed for divorce, hired an aggressive male attorney, took him to court and started the no contact. It was a life saver. My addiction to him was severed and I was able to heal and go on with my life. Also my 20 year old son remains no contact as he has lost all respect for his so called father. He was a cheater, liar ,a manipulator and a dirty cop. My life is good now. I am at peace and I will never communicate with him again. Letting him back into my life results in talking to the devil..He can go on and have his freedom with his young, sexy minions. none of my concern any more. No contact has saved my life. It is very difficult at first but gets easier with time. after about 30 days I started to regaining my energy and I thank God every day for taking this evil man out of my life. He abused all of his “cop powers”. He tried to have me declared mentally ill, he tried to have me locked away …nothing worked in his favor. Because God had a plan….the devil has no chance against our God. KEEP UP YOUR STRENGTH, STAY NO CONTACT, THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. GET RID OF THE NARCISSIST AND YOU HAVE YOUR FREEDOM AND SANITY BACK…GOOD LUCK.

    Kim Saeed says April 27, 2015

    Kaya 48, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so glad you got away and remain No Contact. It’s truly the beginning of life <3

      Kaya 48 says April 27, 2015

      Thank you. It was a definetely the best decision I have ever made. I was like a “hamster in a wheel “. I kept running , trying to change him, trying for him to have empathy and compassion. But I got no where. They will never change. Eventually they will start the devalue and discard phase. In my case “I was too old, fat , boring and too short hair

      Kaya 48 says April 27, 2015

      To meet his so called “minion standard”. I was only 47 and it was a shock for me. Once he brought in a third person , his affair partner ,lied and cheated , then I finally had enough. No more emotions for me , no more begging and crying. I stopped talking to him , changed all my emails and phone number, and filed for divorce. They is no rationing with them. They will take no blame or responsibilities. Their ego is so big they think they are God. That little co worker fed him his “ego kibbles ” and she can keep doing it. He is not my problem anymore. I have not cried in the past 2 years. Even through divorce proceedings I remained strong , confident and powerful. I am in control now. It’s a great feeling. I could have not done it without my aggressive attorney. It’s not easy to seperate a life after 20 years. You need great counsel to help you through the legal system. I was awarded permanent alimony and half of his army retirement. Entire kingdoms have been lost for a few minutes of pleasure. Divorce is always bad but it’s the only thing that sets you free from a narcissist. Because they will never get better. Instead they devalue you more and take your precious self esteem and self worth. They are so good at manipulating and destroying. That co worker truly saved my life. Now he can cheat on her.

cadkinson35 says April 11, 2015

Hi Kim I was wondering I am doing no contact with my husband he has up and left to move to Houston TX with that girl he called me 2 days ago I did not answer and he called my daughter she did not answer but I told her she can talk to him cause that is her dad but he has not called me no more do u think it will stay like this with him not calling he says I never answer the phone when he used to pop up to see his kids please respond thxs

    Kim Saeed says April 12, 2015

    It’s possible he will call again. Sounds like he just wants to blame you. The fact is that you don’t have to jump to answer the phone when he calls, especially that you never know when that might be – nor are you under any obligation to do so until there is a court ordered custody arrangement in place.

      cadkinson35 says April 12, 2015

      Thxs for getting back with me Mrs Kim I start council tomorrow for my first time this relationship has really messed me up but I talk to God all the time to heal my heart and to forgive those who do me wrong why is he so happy with this girl he is all on FB talking good about her and ideas the woman that never left your side he said I ran him off I just got tired of the cheating it’s deserve better but are they really happy were they born this way he has been locked up serveral times in the past but the girl is a narcs also she has a pattern do people like this get karma what do you think Mrs Kim!!!!

Olivia says March 26, 2015

I met the father of my twins over 5 years ago. They are both now 4.5. He is from another country and is not allowed in the US and is not on the birth certificate. We were on a trip 1.5 yrs to 2 yrs ago and he handed me his computer to read something on his FB. Since I had it in my hand I read his emails in FB. There were multiple girls that he was messaging sexually explicit emails back and forth with. I of course confronted him and he couldn’t believe that I read his mail and how he never gave me permission. blah blah blah. Then, I believe it was the next night whilst I was asleep on a sleeping pill he raped and sodomized me. I knew something had happened obviously when I went to the bathroom in the morning. He actually admitted to it. He was smiling and asking questions like “did you figure something out? Is something different?” etc. He was almost bragging about it! When you don’t ever think that someone you trusted would do something so heinous it leaves your head spinning. I was in a foreign country embarrassed and ashamed! How was I going to explain this horrible act and that it was the father of my child?? He then went on to say that he was extremely angry because he was expecting sex but instead I was tired and decided to go to bed. He said that he waited for me to take an ambien and go to sleep. He stated that he stopped a few times because he thought I was waking up. I can’t seem to remember if this happened before or after that incident but he made this other comment to me. He was angry and he stated that I said that I ALWAYS wake up when the girls did at night and then how I didn’t hear them on whatever night but HE did and how he got up! I was stunned and haven’t been able to get this out of my head. One of them who was mostly potty trained was having accidents everywhere. I didn’t put two and two together and just assumed it was because we were on a different time schedule etc. He has always made sexual comments about the girls like she’s going to have a good mouth for … or she’s going to make someone very happy when she gets older etc. I always changed the subject and assumed it was a cultural thing that he was so callous. Anyway, I saw him 1x after that with his family because I hadn’t told anyone what had happened and because of the guilt that I had felt that he was not actively involved in his daughters life. Yes, I know that it sounds crazy! I have no recollection of the rape itself but there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about it. Afterwards, he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. He was placed on new meds before that trip but apparently went back afterwards and they tested him. He didn’t believe them so he said he was going to be retested. He never told me the results on that one but I am assuming that since he didn’t that they were the exact same. Being a single mom is hard and I honestly didn’t take the time to do any kind of research until 3 months ago. OMG! the light came on. EVERYTHING FINALLY made sense! All the chaos, All the craziness, All the horrible things he has said to me, All the lying! He was fired for sexually harassing an employee and actually told me about it but told everyone else she was out to get his job and then of course the next day said that he never told me that and that would be crazy for him to say something like that etc. It was exactly the same thing that happened when he admitted to raping me and then came back and said that I was crazy and he never did that! And then another day he said that he had already told me that he was sorry and he was tired of me continuing to bring it up when nothing can change the past. As soon as the light went off, I stopped responding. He sent me messages stating that he is not a predator and I needed to get help and then another about he wanted to fix this and heal me and even another about how he only acted on past experience and that I showed him a difference that he hadn’t seen before and that is why he apologized and how he thought we had moved on from this and forgiven him because it hadn’t been mentioned in a real long time. (OMG! Only because I didn’t want to speak to him anymore!!) He was basically stalking me via technology so I blocked him on my phone, which he has just figured out, blocked him on my skype account, and everywhere else except for FB. The only reason I kept that open was to see if I needed to worry about my safety. Do I?? He’s been sending me these crazy messages about how he does have empathy. He’s a lunatic! I know that I would have figured this out a hell of a lot sooner if I saw him more than 3-4 weeks/year. I knew something wasn’t right about him, hence the reason I never moved to be with him but I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. I am so angry with myself because he has disappeared for months at a time since I had our children and before all this craziness I thought it was important for them to have a father. I had no idea he was a psycho!! I’m supposed to be their protector not an enabler. If I had known what I know now I would have never let them get to know him.

He does not support my daughters in any way. He never really cared about them. He of course states he does and how horrible it is that a father cannot speak to his children. He actually left us while at family gathering because one of them was crying and wouldn’t go to him so he got angry and just left us there. He couldn’t understand why I was upset and became angry because I told him he had some serious issues and then I had to barricade me and my girls in 1 room because he just kept pacing and screaming for hours and then shoved a crazy 10 page letter under the door which I wish I now had kept. My daughters won’t talk to him. I have always had to make them before because I didn’t want to have to listen to him but now I could care less. He has started a campaign on FB telling all his friends and family that I have cut him off from his daughters etc. I have done no such thing ONLY because I don’t want to mess up their self esteem up in anyway. I don’t want them to feel like they aren’t worthy in anyway or have daddy issues when they are older because I kept them from him. They are too young to know the truth about him but old enough to make their own decisions on who they want to speak with. I hope that as long as it’s the girls choice then it won’t be as negative experience for them vs if he stopped talking to them? His family has been writing that kids will grow up and they will know the real truth! I really want to respond, “God, I hope so!!!!” I have an appt. with a child counselor next month to make sure that I am doing the right things for them. I would absolutely LOVE to shut him out completely with basically only my FB left. I’m afraid that if I block him that he will do something crazy or one of his so called friends will just show up on my doorstep one day. Is he ever going to go away or is this forever? What do I do? I’m so ready to move on and not deal with this ever again. I stopped counting but it’s been somewhere around 2 months that I haven’t responded except for an article posted about a man convicted of raping women on ambien and that rapists have no empathy. I’m really sorry for the super long post but this is the first time that I have really voiced what has happened to me.

    Rachel says December 2, 2017

    Olivia, I know this post is old, but I just wanted to send some love your way. I am so very sorry for what you went through, and can only hope things have gotten better for you and your girls. You are a strong, capable woman and sound like an amazing mom, I wish you only the best and pray God blesses you richly and keeps you and yours safe xoxo

EUNICE says March 6, 2015

What if the narcissist has joined your church to manipulate you?

Natalia says January 31, 2015

How can u do no contact when kids are involved?

sola says January 27, 2015

I was probably with a narcissistic. In the beginning he treated me like a princess, and told how perfect i am and how imperfect other girls are. he called me ANGEL!!!! time passed, i noticed whenever i wanted a healthy argument he always found a way to be right, and i had to give up the conversation because there was no way to tell him he is wrong. If i did that, he disconnected the emotions with me. One day I cried. He said “perfect women don’t cry”……I was older than him, and every time he used it as weapon.”” Oh, you are so old and you don’t understand this!!!!!”” always my age was a weapon. Also I am Asian an he is European. This was a weapon too. “” you are Asian you should do this, don’t do that, how can you have a past boyfriend being an Asian, you are spoiled””” He used to tell me he is European so he can do what he likes-drinking, partying, but I am Asian so i should be home cooking for him. He used to live in my house, I did not like his 24 hours presence in the house; I had flatmates, that would feel disturbed. But he was not ready to accept this.He would punish me emotionally if i didnt let him stay everyday at my home. He has to stay with me, control me 24 hours. Isolated me from friends too. He hated my friends who were male,but his best friend was a female!!!!!!
Day by day I felt sick. My health suffered. One year this was going on. I was doing a PhD in Europe. I felt so sick and depress that I quit my PhD and came back to Asia.
Then we used to skype. 2 months after suddenly on my surprise he got another girl. and saying the PERFECT girl ever…….he left me cheating on me. now he is with her. sometimes he posted on facebook how glad he is to find her after terrible experience with me. I blocked him from facebook after that.
He left me writing to me” I cant be a good mother in future”….because I work.
“I cant be a good wife”…..even after cooking for him everyday!!!!!!
He judged me for every single thing.
He hacked my email. He found mails of my past boyfriend ( he knew about him, but still he had to hack to read the conversation) …he called me slut for having 2 boyfriends in past.
Enough was enough, but surprisingly I was unable to leave him, he used to insult me then string me with him with manipulation. It was like,”’ look how worthless you are and still I love you”””
I was puzzled. my self esteem went to zero.
Thank god he found another girl now and left me for good i hope he never come back.

Madeline Scribes says January 22, 2015

When I established No Contact with my narc, who is a family member that mentally abused me for years, I didn’t tell anyone about it, but my husband. It was six months later that my Narc realized she hadn’t heard from me and that’s when the desperation set in for her. She recorded herself singing a song she had written that compared me to a farm animal, and posted it all over the Internet. When you write that they will do anything to get your attention or to start contact again, you are absolutely correct.

Carole says December 30, 2014

I am on day 28 i have spent Christmas at the Women’s Refuge where i am now living, i am building my relationship back up slowly with my son, mum and dad, and yes it is absolutely killing me but i know i can do this and am looking forward to a brilliant 2015.

chris says December 27, 2014

A week ago my narco sent me an email that said in all caps do not contact me further after I sent him one telling him how I felt . I ended my email with I HAVE NOTHING FURTHER TO SAY TO YOU. That’s when he replied do not contact me further. I cried bc it felt like a slap in the face. Yesterday he forwarded me an email that looked like it was sent to him from my sister saying she needed help and she was in trouble. (Shes another narco who we are dealing with as a family) all he did was forward it to me. He did not comment or write anything . I want to reply thank you but I feel like its a trap so he can say I said do not contact me further I was just letting you know. Then I will mad crying and angry again. Im so comfused.

Anonymous says December 18, 2014

What should I do when he calls my work phone?

    Kim Saeed says December 18, 2014

    As soon as you hear his voice, exclaim “I’m hanging up” and then do so. If he continues to call after that, hang up on him without warning. Any iota of engagement is an open invitation in their mind.

Cindy says December 14, 2014

Kim I read every email in my inbox from you to learn!! Yesterday was my day 1 and I felt the range of emotions from tearful to relief. I know it will be a difficult time for me as I know he is a N and so does my psych doctor ( I had been attempted suicide more times than I can even talk about, basically had no will to live or hope because of his years of telling me and his family/friends/entire town that I was mentally ill. I do not have guilt over any of my actions or regret, I had both feet in the marriage where he never did and even we married in 05 he had a long time girlfriend hidden. My question is, do some N let you do all the calling/texting? that is what I did. So I feel unlike most others that my blocking him on my phone was not even necessary as he has told me he has only talked to me out of fear of my going into another depression while he was even on a FL vacation. My heart and mind say he has moved on, I have seen him on all the dating sites. I like I read in another post also struggled that he would be perfect and charming to his new partner and be everything to her that I had so longed for. I think my N has moved on and somehow that hurts even more as we had a 17 year relationship with 9 of those married and to top it all I had come into a large inheritance and freely spent it on our future not even knowing he had a large salary that he kept hidden from me.

rich says December 1, 2014

Kim your website has been a God send, thank you for all of this free encouragement and resources to get rid of the N! God bless you for your help, Happy Holidays! NO Contact has been a life saver!!

    Kim Saeed says December 1, 2014

    Wow, thank you, Rich! I hope I can continue to provide you with helpful content. Happy Holidays to you and yours, as well 🙂

Narcissistic Abuse = Prison Camp Effect | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says November 6, 2014

[…] future, not your abusive Ex.  Many people get stuck at this point because they fail to establish No Contact effectively.  The truth is, as long as we keep exposing ourselves to our toxic abuser, we will […]

Hope says October 28, 2014

I am on day eight of no contact. I did no contact with him earlier in the year for two and a half months, however, I was unaware that he was a Narcissist until the second go around. This time I was more aware…paid more attention. His type of Narcissism is his desperate need for constant attention from women…especially strange women. I was blocked from his Facebook because his need to like other women’s posts and selfies was more important than our relationship. I looked at his phone once and I was floored at how many different women he was communicating with. I asked him how he keeps up with them all. He never meets these women, nor does he ever verbally talk to these women. He just communicates with them all via texting or Facebook messaging. I confirmed that with a few of “his women.” He also goes back and forth between his ex and I, which she was aware of that. They were together for twelve years, so he has her as a supply for the rest of her life. She is doomed…poor thing. Oh and the lies and the missing in action part just drove me crazy!! The arguments would also be turned around to make me the bad person…that was frustrating. This whole thing was so bizarre to me until I realized what I was dealing with. I was in a relationship with a fake…someone who is incapable of love…empathy…someone who lied, cheated and told me things I wanted to hear just so I could keep feeding his need to not feel his true self. Anyhow, like I said, I am on day eight and it is crazy to me that it is hard…especially after realizing what I just got myself out of. I figured everyday would be a breeze. Not that easy though. I have never had an experience like this before and I pray to God I never do again. It just amazes me, however, after reading so many personal stories on Narcissists, that we put ourselves through this over and over by breaking no contact and going back. Narcissists are very dangerous people and should be put on the shelf with other very strong addictions.

    TrueLove says February 24, 2015

    Your comment really hit home for me. Sounds just like my ex. Hard for me even to say “ex” when I dreamed of building a life with this person for years, only to be pushed to the side when he found a new narcissistic supply who can give him the fantasy life he thinks will make him happy. What a fool he is to not know what a wonderful girl he had. No one can understand how he could leave a person like me who supported him in every possible way for 17 years… Financially, emotionally, unconditional love… But I created my own trap. Now I’m dealing with the trauma bond effects, while he sounds perfectly content and happy to move on. Just recently found out after much research and speaking with a therapist that he completly fits the mold of a narcissist. Day 5 of No Contact. If I don’t talk to him or know what he’s up to, I can heal. To avoid any further emotional abuse… But then why am I still obsessing over him 24/7? I am not ready to forgive him. Cannot believe I’m even talking about him like this when I never did. His family didn’t trust him, my family didn’t trust him… But it took his betrayal to me to finally wake me up that they were all right, and that I’m dealing with a person who truly can’t love, and if you’re not feeding his needs, he drops you. Very sad situation. He tells me he loves me and that I’m his best friend, yet he’s moving to another state and going to share an apartment with another girl so he can be in the warmer weather… I suggested he was using this poor girl… And he wasn’t even quick to deny it or anything. Can’t believe how a person’s mind can be so cruel. A “user”… And I don’t care if his Narcissistic crazy father made him this way… A person has to take redoonsability for their own actions at some point. Trying so hard to heal. It’s like one minute at a time trying to get over this emotional tether bond, of how tied I feel to him.

    trying2heal says April 5, 2015

    The guy I was with is OCPD with Narcisstic tendencies. What you said about them being cold and unempathetic is absolutely true. At times he would be so cold to me during this relationship I wondered if the guy was human. Like your ex he also has mostly females on his facebook page and is in communication with them via facebook and text as well as a few of his ex.’s. Some of the women he works with and judging by the posts on facebook I can only imagine what hes been up to. Mind you he has never said anything nice to me once since we have been together. Yet he gets online with these woman and flirts, and makes nice comments to them and tells them how beautiful they are. He broke my self esteem down so bad I started to feel suicidal and fell into a deep depression. After much prayer, I realized that I had to get out of this relationship or it would kill me literally. So I have just gone no contact with him a few days ago and im hoping i can be strong and not give in like I did the last two times. God Bless You!!!

mregmeyers says October 8, 2014

Reblogged this on mregmeyers and commented:
No Contact Guidelines that are reasonable and realistic.

Lillian Gray says September 13, 2014

I’ve been on no contact for almost 2 weeks but I may see him in a few days. I wanted to ask how should I act? Should I be nonchalant? See I messed up the relationship and im trying to give him some space. But he checked up on me from a friend, and asked her to take care of me for him, I didn’t text him back but he thinks talking to me wont help. He wasn’t a narcissistic or anything. Please help.

    Kim Saeed says September 13, 2014

    Lillian, are you sure he’s not Narcissistic? How did you “mess things up”? If you want to give me more info at my email, I can try to help. I don’t really have enough info to go on in order to give helpful advice. My email is located on the Coaching tab…


angel says September 5, 2014

I am on day 5 of no contact. I have not uttered a word and when he calls my job i simply hang up. I started to eat raw and uped my work outs. I had such a full life before him. I feel good. He is going through so many different moods. I let him leave voicemails till my inbox got full so he can no longer leave them. he texts i erase. I sleep peaceful. I have wasted enough time on this sick individual. I look forward to complete release.However I think eventually police might have to be involved as he is very unstable

    Kim Saeed says September 5, 2014

    Angel, great job on remaining strong! I eventually had to get a restraining order. Tough times ensued, but my life is much freer now!

    Thank you for stopping by and for commenting <3

monique says August 24, 2014

7 days no contact; but today I almost faltered. I wanted to text, call. or even see him today

    Kim Saeed says August 25, 2014

    Monique, it’s a lot like going through withdrawal from a drug. It’s tough, but if you can make it through the first 2-3 weeks NC, you’ll have a better chance for success. Just remember…he’ll never change, nor give you closure. Make those two statements your mantra. Also, guided meditations seem to help tremendously. I have some free ones listed under the “Guided Meditations” category…

    Best of luck. Hang in there!

Kristen says August 22, 2014

WEll, I am officially on day 8 now.. I have been in contact with the two other women in his life (while with me) and been in contact with his ex fiance (with whom he was with for 3 1/2 years) I feel almost empowered knowing that the 4 of us are stronger women because of him. I have not had any communication from him today (yet) I think he is getting the hint.. finally.

kristen says August 21, 2014

He is being nothing but sweet and nostalgic… and apologetic, and keeps saying that the weekend that we just had was the turning point for him…he wants forever… I honestly didn’t think he was this crazy… and I just cant comprehend how he could even fathom that I would take him after what he has done. Our entire relationship has been a lie since day 1. He seems to be pinning everything on this past weekend..that it was such an epiphany for him..im just trying to absorb the shock of it all, and he has been nonstop contacting me for 6 days straight (with no respobse from me)with lovey dovey texts… even though all I’ve said to him is I think he is the scrum of the earth and I wish to never see him again. I just want to know when he will just leave me alone so I can move on and heal..

    Kim Saeed says August 21, 2014

    Kristen, they always have the “epiphany” as a last resort effort when they know you’re serious about leaving. Mine did, as do all overt Narcissists. He won’t leave you alone. You’ll have to go into Defcon 5 No Contact.

How to Leave a Narcissist | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 1, 2014

[…] one of their Silent Treatments, use the opportunity to get your things and leave.  Initiate No Contact and stick with it.  If they come around and won’t leave you alone, call the police.  Get a […]

5 Things You Can Do Instead of Checking Your Phone and Email Like a Maniac | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says July 30, 2014

[…] No Contact.  It’s the only path to true freedom.  As long as you leave a crack open, you’ll keep going […]

Julie says July 18, 2014

Hello all. I would appreciate any and all help and support.

I have been dealing with quite the messy situation for about four years now.

To keep it short I will say that I started a questionable relationship years ago, became pregnant two in, man got divorced and started a legitimate relationship with me (after being completely evil to me during blow up phase). I suspect him to be a narcissist. He even tried to align with my ex and take my children. He also said I raped him (for years?). Lots of lies and pain.

A month and a half ago he became angry with me for asking where he was staying on a trip across country. I was upset and acted like an upset person does. Following this he ended our sexual relationship on his return and I again acted like an upset person does.

He has now come to me wanting a deep friendship. I tried. He even had me staying there over the weekend last week and didn’t try any physical contact with me. He says he has gotten that “out of his system”. This has happened before.

I decided I couldn’t take that because I love him very much and would like a relationship with him. I told him I couldn’t be friends and I had to limit contact to important issues regarding our son. He has done this MANY times over the past but it feels different this time.

He balked at that and is saying I can and trying to send me pal-sy messages and the like. I have repeated that I need more and left it at that. I am trying to ignore and have no contact.

I really do love him and wonder if anyone here can give me advice on how to act. I asked him straight up if he would give me a yes or no on our future and he wouldn’t.

    Kim Saeed says July 22, 2014


    I feel for you. I wish I had a better answer, but there is simply no “just being friends” with a Narcissist. Most of them pull that card simply to keep you hooked into a situation of convenience for their benefit. I realize you still love him, but the best thing for you to do is try to end the tie that you have with him. I can tell you from experience and background that things will only get worse for you.

    I still loved my Ex very much when I left him. He also wanted to “be friends”. However, I didn’t fall for it. He hasn’t changed and never will. None of them do.

Crest says July 17, 2014

Hello everyone. Just an update. I found out he’s with the bi*ch i was jealous of before we broke up. I caught them. Kim, for sure you are right, He just used his parents as an excuse. What a f**king lying bas**rd he is. Let the two of them be together. A h*e and a liar.

Conni says July 15, 2014

Dear Kim,

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 14 years, and have tried leaving 5 times. The last time was on Sunday, July 13th. We had an awful fight, I said terrible things to him, he said brutal things to me, and he kicked me out. I have no job, no money, credit card is maxed, so I had to borrow some money from my grown daughters to stay in a hotel. I didn’t cut him off, I am now back. I feel like I let my family and friends down. All my stuff is here and I came back to get it, but got sucked back in. I have an interview on Friday for a job that is about 250 miles away. I have to get out of here on Thursday night, but I need the strength to do it. He’s being really sweet now, of course, but I know it won’t last. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was a teenager, and had been free from seizures for decades. I had a seizure last night. It was due to stress, no sleep, no appetite, and total fear.

I just want to be happy. thank you for all that you are doing to help.

Mari says July 4, 2014

How do I start the No contact if we have a 20 month old daughter ? I feel panicked inside. He is a great father and she adores him….I don’t know how to handle this so he doesn’t feel like he has control over me..

    Kim Saeed says July 9, 2014

    Mari, when children are involved, you’d typically need to go “Low Contact”. If you don’t have a court-ordered custody arrangement, you’ll want to visit a lawyer and let them give you some legal advice. Usually, you’ll need to file for separation or divorce as well, because those are typically the only reasons for having to file for custody unless there is some type of abuse going on, which doesn’t seem to be the case (at least, not where your daughter is concerned).

olivia says July 4, 2014

I had been with narc for almost 12 yrs, left him for good in Feb 2013 after I had caught him and his new supply in his car at his gym, had blocked him on all social networks didn’t talk to him for months and out the blue had received an apology text like a fool I started talking to him and months later let him stay with me in my new home just to end up in the same situation with him being abused and lied too, we had got into a huge fight he left and the next day went to a Christmas party with the girl I had caught him with I decided to do no contact and struggled with it he always knew how to draw me back in my friends couldn’t understand why I kept talking to him but it was and is still hard to explain espically since many have not experienced relationships like this one, I would get angry at myself for letting him talk to me the way he was making me feel like it was my fault him telling me to shut the F**k up as I tried to tell my side and of course I was talking over him not letting him speak or pretty much tell me how mean and horrible and heartless I was I would go weeks with out talking to him and break the silence and text him and thus starting the cycle again he even asked me for money from time to time the last time he contacted him which was a couple weeks ago was to ask to borrow gas money and there it was I decided to start no contact it’s been a process but it gets better it’s been 20 days and little by little it gets better I see he’s a user a person who would rather look like he has life together to fake the funk then actually get it together he puts on one face for the world and I as I’ve called it saw the devil, he was Dr jekyll Mr Hyde for reals no one ever saw him in their face blocking them from leaving or him putting hands on them which resulted in black eyes and bruised ribs among other things, sometimes I still think he’s gonna treat his new girl better then me and do everything I. Wanted him to do when he was with me but he won’t he’ll be the charmer in the beginning but eventually do what he does best a snake can she’d his skin but he will still be a snake I know that many don’t get out of these types of relationships so I am proud of myself on some level and that eventually I will be totally free

    Kim Saeed says July 9, 2014

    Olivia, thank you for sharing your story. In reading about your fight right before his Christmas party, he probably incited the fight because he planned on going with her. That’s how they operate.

    Kudos on maintaining NC for so long. Hope that’s still going well for you. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider blocking his number from your phone so he can’t plan a sneak attack. Not blocking them just leaves them wiggle room…

      Anonymous says April 12, 2015

      Hello again, I forgot to do an update lol,well here it is, I broke no contact and was communicating with him,I forgot how,but during that time he had called me one night really late asking to borrow money,he sounded really weird,like he was on something,and had some weird story on how he would get my money back after he got someone’s phone and sell it and he would get his money that was owed and mine as well if I lent him some,{mind you he still owes me money for our divorce,putting a dent in my door one night because he got mad a guy gave me his number in front of him,and I had told the guy we were nothing,I found it ironic that he was mad about a number,while like I told him he had plenty of numbers from his bunnies aka girls in his phone,that didn’t sit to well and he got mad jumped out of my car and almost got hit by another,and like an idiot,I went back to see if he was ok,he started getting in my face,and I started walking back to the restaurant so that I wouldn’t have a repeat of what I knew was gonna come if I didn’t leave and left my door open to my car,I went back to close it and he kicked it left a dent and I left,came back to my car and he was gone,but called later to check to see if I was ok,blah blah} but back to the asking of money,I told him I didn’t have it and that he should ask his bother or cousin who he was supposedly staying with he got mad and hung up on me, 2 days later his sis n law texted me to tell me that he had been arrested and was charged with forgery and that they had found a counterfeit 100 dollar bill on him,the same amount he asked me for,which im sure he would’ve tried to give me as repayment,later that day,I had numbers on my phone that I didn’t recognize, and yes like an idiot I called to see if he was ok,and come to find out it was him calling me from jail to see if I could help him,I tried to be nice to him but he was his devil self,saying oh now you care,now your worried,his usual trying to make me feel bad, and it somewhat worked, we eventually got into a huge fight about a text and he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore,I was instantly on panic mode oh he’s not gonna talk to me,I didn’t mean it mean,even though the text pretty much broke it down and told him how he was treating me and being a jerk to me but so great to those bunnies,but anywhoo,I blew up his phone,with calls,and text,he eventually answered and sent a pic of a lady in a hospital bed and told mere was at a hospital and the lady was going to die,I felt bad and thought it was a family member I never met,but it was his current bunnies family member and I didn’t know,I tried to be nice and offer a day to chill talk and be an ear to listen to,the next day and he answered and hung up on me,and then I called back thinking the phone disconnected, he answers,startedtalkimg crap and making me feel horrible,that day we red eyes from crying and sunglasses on to hide it I changed my number, and didn’t talk to him,later on I found out from my cousins daughter he was dating someone she went to high school with,oh I forgot to mention that I eventually unblocked him on fb to say happy birthday,we talked he told me he still loved me and why would he stop,blah blah,I asked if he was dating anyone and he wouldn’t tell me at first but eventually sai he was,back to the cousin lol,his new girl was 21 years old and he’s 34 about to be 35, my cousins daughter tried to warn the girl,but she said she knew and they didn’t keep secrets from each other but she’s sorry I went through that,but he’s different with her, in dec I heard rumors he had moved and he wa saying his good byes,he went to his old job at the gym,but got kicked out because he was selling false memberships there even though he didn’t work there anymore and was pocketing the money,he said goodbye to his brother he barely talks to,but now me so yeah I unblocked him again,to ask why he didn’t say goodbye to me,he answered and said he couldn’t find me I blocked him on fb,I had changed my number and he went by my job a couple times but I wasn’t there,but the thing he didn’t know was I had got a new car,so if he was looking for my old car of course I want there,he called my job too,but the days he called I was always off,and heard about it from managers later, I was like ok,we talked and my cousin told me how he had moved out of state with the toddler aka the 21 yr old,I got mad,why,right,well he had told me how his car had blew up and he was in a state where he didn’t know anyone,because I got mad he was ignoring me,and even though I kinda figured he moved with her,it still wasn’t cool hearing it out loud,but nonetheless I went off and when I say I went off I put it all out there how could he do that mess to me,how he wasn’t hard for me and it wasn’t fair,why he was able to move from bunny to bunny like nothing,and he wasn’t worth the pain or heartache anymore,he got mad and told me I was still telling him what he was worth and that he moved to get away from drama,and his parents house,nothing about how he wanted to be with her,he never mentioned her actually,and that if I kept it up he’d block me I was getting ridiculous,after I calmed down I sent an apology letter and blocked him on New Year’s Eve, a couple days later,my friend had told me that one of her cousins police officer friends had seen me at our job and couldn’t remember my name all she knew was that I was married to a loser and she couldn’t understand how someone like him had got a girl like me,but she had said that a couple weeks before he moved with his toddler,she had arrested him for drugs,and that she was sorry I was with him,my friend clarified and told her we were no longer together and the girl said good,cut to now I have not spoked to him since my New Year’s Eve apology letter,I didn’t speak of him not did I want to hear of him,cut to a couple of weeks ago and as if on cue I get a text from his sis n law telling me she overheard his brother and him talking and his toddler was pregnant, and how did I feel about it,I replied how am I supposed to feel I wish them well but it’s not my life anymore, she said that’s good but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt alittle, I said that’s not my life anymore,I have worked hard on healing from him,and everything that he did,and that it wasn’t my business to know,but I hope it’s good for them, my friends that I told,said I should be happy it’s not me,and my cousin broke it down like this,my old life with him,that contained abuse,cheating,him constantly losing jobs,lying,not coming home,ignoring my calls,me paying for everything,was now onher but with a baby and that eventually if he hasn’t already will do the same to her,she said you know what she’s going to go through,just because it’s good now doesn’t mean it will stay that way,it was good for you in the beginning right, she’s gonna learn the hard way the same way you did but with a kid,all I could do was nod my head,I felt bad for the girl but like me she was warned and like me she thinks she’s different,but in one way she is,she’s gonna be tied to him for ever, I look back and realize that I really did get a fresh start and no ties to him what so ever,and I am really lucky,sometimes I get to the urge to talk to him or send a message on fb, but I haven’t,I have cut ties with his family,and thought it was weird that his brother had started following me on Instagram even though I’ve had it for awhile,but no contact has remained in effect and each day gets better,the old me would’ve sent him a message to congratulate him on his new baby,but I didn’t,I’m sure what I said got back to him anyways, no contact is challenging but it’s better then being in an abusive cycle,it’s hard but worth it

      Olivia says April 13, 2015

      Hi there,I came back to give an update on my no contact challenge and how it’s been… Well I did break the no contact rule,shame on me I know,but I did not talk to,call or anything else,I don’t remember how it broke but it did, there I was back to square one again, one night we had got into it pretty bad and I had asked him if he was busy and he said he was he was driving to Barstow,now mind you we live in a city that’s pretty far from Barstow and its not just a 30 min drive,I asked what was in Barstow and he said someone owes him money and he was going to collect, yes it was as shady as it sounds,I said ok,we’ll be careful,later on that night he called to see if he could borrow 100 dollars and he would pay me back as soon as he got the money from the person who owed him,which would be the next day,( and to just point out he owed me money already,from our divorce,and for putting a dent in my car door, after he went into one of his rages because a guy gave me his number in front of him and the guy asked if we were anything and I said no, he told me in the car that I disrespected him ,I told him he had no right to get mad,and that I’m sure he had plenty of his bunnies numbers in his phone and he got pissed,jumped out of my car,almost got hit by another, and like an idiot I went and checked on him,he was yelling and screaming and getting in my face so I started to walk back to Friday’s because I already knew where it would eventually lead, but I went back to shut my door and he kicked it hard and left a dent, I walked always and turned around he was gone,I got in my car and drove him, and during that time he called and texted my phone saying the normal he was sorry,I just make him crazy,and he didn’t know what to do about me blah blah )as he was talking he sounded really weird and out of it and mumbled a lot,I told him I didn’t have the money and maybe he should ask his brother or his cousin who he was supposedly staying with,he got mad and hung up on me, two days later his sis n law texted me and told me he got arrested for forgery and he was charged with a felony,and during a search they found a counterfeit 100 dollar bill on him, which he was probably going to use to “pay” me back,later on that day I had missed calls from numbers I didn’t know,I called him later that night when he was released and asked if he was ok,he said he tried calling me a couple times,hence the missed calls on my phone, I checked on him a couple days later and he was back in douchebag mode asking why do I care or now all of a sudden you care about me, I was once again his punching bag,he didn’t have to pretend to be anything different to me I already knew how he was so it came out like nothing,we didn’t talk for a couple weeks and we got into it over a text and he told me he was done knowing me and talking to me,I went into panic mode,and was calling and texting him to try and get him to listen to me,when in reality I really didn’t do anything wrong but tell the truth and he didn’t like it,finally he answered with a pic of a lady in a hospital bed,saying he had been at the hospital all day and he didn’t have time for my bs, he called my phone and I didn’t pick up he sent me a text telling me to pick up and I said no I told him I wasn’t gonna bother him again,he told me to stop texting and calling him then,this was after he left a voicemail sayin that if I didn’t stop calling him he would change his number, I felt bad and apologized later on that night in a a text,I sidnt recgonize the lady in the pic and thought it was a family member I hadn’t met before, I called him the next day and the phone hung up I thought we got disconnected and called back he answered and literally made me feel like crap, as I was crying on the phone I asked why do you only act like this to me and he said it’s because other mother f**kers don’t call me back when I tell them not too,that moment I hung up on him,went to my phone carrier with my eyes red from crying and sunglasses on to cover them and changed my number, I went no contact for a couple months and had reactivated my fb after year of being off of it,like an idiot I sent him a belated happy bday message and didn’t think he’d answer but he did almost immediately,he asked how I was and said he was glad to hear from me,and that he came by my job a couple times but I wasn’t there,what he didn’t know was I got a new car so he was looking for my old one, we talked and I asked if he was with anyone he wouldn’t answer at first but finally told me he was seeing someone, I said cool,the girl he was seeing was a 21 yr old toddler and he’s almost 35 but whatever, she went to high school with my Cousins daughter who tried to warn her but she said she knew about his past,they didn’t keep secrets from each other and she was sorry I went through what I did, I eventually blocked him again and stared hearing through the grapevine he was moving out of state and saying goodbyes,he went to his old job at the gym to say goodbye but they kicked him out because he was selling fake memberships when he wasn’t working there and keeping the money,I unblocked him aNd asked why he didn’t say bye to me,he said he didn’t know how to get ahold of me,which was true I moved,new car,new number and every time he called my job I was off that day,and was later told by managers he had called,I figured he moved with the toddler but want sure and my cousin confirmed what I already knew,why I was upset I don’t really know,he had told me he his car blew up and he was in a state where he didn’t know anyone,but he always lied so I should’ve known better,I got angry and all my old emotions came up and I sent multiple messages and told him he wasn’t worth being hurt over anymore,he got mad and told me he moved to get away from drama,his parents house and there I go again telling him what he was worth,never did mention his toddler,or that he moved cause he loved her and wanted to be with her,he then said if I kept acting ridiculous he would block me,after I calmed down I sent an apology message and blocked him that was New Year’s Eve,a day later a friend of mine told me how her cousins cop friend saw me at work and said she couldn’t remember my name but knew I was married to a loser and she couldn’t understand how he got a girl like me,and that she had arrested him a couple weeks before he had left for drugs,which confirmed a lot of people’s suspicions that he was running from something,you don’t just up and move to another state with someone you haven’t been saying that long,New Years eve was the last time I spoke to him,last month his sis n law,always bearing news I know,sent me a text to say that she had overheard him and his brother taking and that his toddler was pregnant,and how did I feel about it and I simply said that I wish him and her luck,and he is not part of my life anymore,and that i didn’t need to know his business nor did I care to know, I felt alittle hurt,but as everyone told me I should be lucky it’s not me,I would’ve ended up as a single parent and tied to him for the rest of my life,my cousin said it best though she told me that the toddlers life was going to be my old life and that of Course it’s gonna be great intje beginning it was for me,but eventual his true colors come out, him not coming home,ignoring my calls,the abuse,his inappropriate friendships,the lock on his phone his new fb and insta and other social media buddies were a thing of the past for me,but it’s her life now and soon to be with a kid,eventually it’ll happen to her,and he’ll have a new one in the wings if he doesn’t already,I’ve been moving forward it’s been hard but it’s so worth it

    Anonymous says May 21, 2015

    Hopefully me too! Good luck!

Crest says June 15, 2014

I am on Day 18 of No contact. It feels so difficult. I hope I will also succeed like all of you.

    Kim Saeed says June 15, 2014

    You’ve made it this far, Crest…you can do this!

    18 days is great; courageous and admirable 🙂 It takes about 4-6 weeks to start coming out of the fog and reduce any trauma bond that was formed. Keep yourself busy with activities that you enjoy, play Candy Crush or something…just keep your mind occupied and try to spend time with friends or family.

      Crest says June 16, 2014

      Thank you for the encouragement, Kim.

      I will update you all every now and then of my progress. I need to love myself first. I am doing my best to keep myself busy busy busy!

      Ex’s family made him choose between me and them. He’s from another nationality (middle east); they are not in favor of me being Asian. It feels so painful and hurtful to be judged and pushed away just because of your nationality and not your personality.

        Kim Saeed says June 16, 2014


        Just out of curiosity, did you ever hear them saying this, or did it all come from your Ex’s mouth?

        The reason I ask is that my Ex is Middle Eastern, too, and I wouldn’t have put it past him to say that he was following his family’s wishes( when that was never the case)…

      Crest says June 16, 2014

      All from him. He left his first Asian ex for the same reason, according to him. I joined his brother and his family for Christmas 2013. They Skyped with the parents. Spoke to everyone except me.

      I don’t know. Maybe everything he told me was just BS.

        Kim Saeed says June 21, 2014


        All details aside, I’m sure everything he told you WAS just BS…

SAM says June 5, 2014

Thanks Kim. I dont understand why they are never straight forward with what they want , what they think etc. Its like trying to decode a foreign language. Did you find that as well. What they say is not only outright lies but also never what they really want to say.

    Kim Saeed says June 16, 2014

    Sam, that’s because everything they say has the hidden purpose of keeping us in the dark. They even tell unnecessary lies just to prove to themselves that we’re as gullible as they believe us to be.

SAM says May 30, 2014

This was a great article. We were in a LDR and no contact is easier. He used me and was sleeping with many women just for sex and sexting. Its been 3 weeks and I just got a text that said he “wishes me well” no apology no nothing didnt even ask for a reply. What is the point of that?

    Kim Saeed says June 4, 2014

    Sam, the point of that was simply to keep you hooked in to his hypnotic, black spell. The best thing to do is just block his number completely. Close the door to any communication…that’s really the only way you’ll ever be able to move forward.

Dear Kim – Why Can’t I Leave the Narcissist When I Know He’s Toxic? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 25, 2014

[…] The Narcissist is incapable of love…any and all forms of it.  If you do hear words of love from your Narcissist, they have a hidden agenda. You did what you could.  Let you abuser go and implement No Contact. […]

lilith1879e says May 3, 2014

Thank you for this, I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant and finally got away from my N.husband, after court orders, police interventions and being really really nice failed, i moved away, started a new life with support from an amazing family and I started “reading” !!!!! I read and read and read, and finally I have found the only thing that put me back into control of my life..no contact. I’m finally enjoying my pregnancy and I love feeling healthy and at peace. I finally remembered who I am and what I can do and that I don’t have to live in fear and doubt. I feel safe mentally, I wake up in the morning with almost no fear and get stronger and stronger each day, this is my second child but the first time I actually love love love being pregnant. And my 5 yr old daughter and I are FREE, free to love life.

8 weeks no contact after 6 years of abuse.

X x

    Kim Saeed says May 4, 2014

    Thank you so much for sharing that, L, because it’s further testimony that going No Contact is THE only way to begin healing from Narcissistic and emotional abuse.

    I’m so very happy for you. Pregnancy is a sacred experience and one that shouldn’t be stained by a Narc’s toxic influence. Best wishes for you and your little family 🙂

Dear Kim – How Can I Get Over The Excruciating Pain from Being Discarded? – Part I | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 1, 2014

[…] you are still allowing your abuser to contact you, the first thing you need to do is implement No Contact.  If you don’t have children together, there is no reason to keep a line of communication open […]

How to Leave a Narcissistic Husband or Wife | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says April 15, 2014

[…] one of their Silent Treatments, use the opportunity to get your things and leave.  Initiate No Contact and stick with it.  If they come around and won’t leave you alone, call the police.  Get a […]

Tina Holland says April 4, 2014

I’m confused, I think I was involved on and off with a narc for 5 yrs. The relationship had some violence, control and manipulation, he openly talks about manipulating conversations etc. I left in December 2013. He has another relationship now and I truly believe he is not interested in me however I have two teenage sons one who was sharing the week between with him. Without my knowledge he took my son camping with his new partner. I was furious at him for making a decision for my son that I should have had a say in. When I expressed how inappropriate that was he told me to go and pick up my son (who still had another night to stay with him) I did, I am now trying to have no contact as he is calling me I think to try and have access to my son. He also tried to call my son and I asked my son not to answer the call. Why do I feel bad for this? I am worried he is going to be there when I arrive to pick my son up from work tomorrow. I don’t want a confrontation I don’t want to see him ever again. My son does though.

    Kim Saeed says April 4, 2014

    Tina, thank you for sharing.

    It’s not unusual for a teenage boy to want to be around a male authority/father figure. My concern is what your Ex might be saying to your son behind you; however it’s also possible he might not be saying anything.

    Since there is a past of violence, control and manipulation, I would be on red alert, though.

    This one is a tough one because teenage years are so important, plus he’s used to seeing this guy. Have you spoken to your son? Is he aware of the past violence? How does your son feel about not seeing your Ex again?

    If it were me, I’d try to find out as much as I could about the relationship between your son and your Ex. If there aren’t any negative indicators, it might be a good idea to let your son continue to see him, because your son has likely developed an attachment to him.

    At the same time, teenagers don’t have the discernment that we have and might be vulnerable to covert manipulation without even realizing it…

    What does your intuition tell you? Even though things didn’t work out between the two of you doesn’t necessarily mean your son can’t continue his relationship with your Ex, but your Ex’s past is what concerns me. I guess where I’m going with this is…make sure that your not allowing your son to see your Ex isn’t stemming from feelings of resentment and/or rejection.

Why Won’t the Narcissist Psychopath Leave Me Alone? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says March 31, 2014

[…] If there is a way for the Psychopath to contact you, then you haven’t gone No Contact…you’ve gone “No Response”, which is different.  Let’s talk about what No Contact really means as described in my article, The No-Contact 7-Day Challenge ~ Quitting Your Narcissist: […]

Frieda32 says March 14, 2014

Unfortunately, the courts will not let me do this. I would love to.

    Kim Saeed says March 16, 2014


    If it’s because you have children, there is a form of modified contact that I had to enforce. I got a land line phone for the Ex to call our Son. ALL other forms of communication (email, cell) I completely blocked him from. I gave the Ex the times he could call our son, and I don’t answer if he calls outside of those times. I don’t talk to him when he calls our son.

    I was forced to do that because he used email and texting to harass me ruthlessly. If he has something important to say, he has to leave a voice mail or mail a letter via USPS. I know that may seem extreme, but it’s because of HIS behaviors that I had to go that route. If he could have been civil about it, things would be different.

Dear Kim – How Long Until I Feel Whole Again? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says March 3, 2014

[…] Go No Contact.  There’s no chance of healing until you do.  If you have modified contact because of custody, […]

Julie says March 2, 2014

I accept!

No cell phone here, land line. Turned messaging off so he can’t leave one when I’m not home, his number comes up and I am home, I’ll quickly pickup and disconnect his call.

Am in a long distance relationship; yet am no less scared.

    Kim Saeed says March 5, 2014

    Congratulations on accepting the challenge! I would also recommend blocking him from any social networking sites where he might be on your friends list.

    I am concerned, however, that you are feeling scared. Has this person been physically abusive or threatened you with physical abuse? If he does, I would suggest filing a police report so the event will be documented…

    Stay strong! By the way, I will be coming out soon with more helpful tools on maintaining No Contact if you find yourself in need of help.

Anonymous says February 28, 2014

i have two children that have to see him – how would you handle that? i LONG for no contact!

    Kim Saeed says March 1, 2014


    What is your custody situation? Do you have have primary physical, or joint custody?


      Anonymous says March 7, 2015

      Same here!

Dear Kim – Will the Narcissist Come Back to Me? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says February 11, 2014

[…] open yourself up to it, but not to someone who will viciously use it for their own benefit.  Go No Contact with this guy; pamper yourself for a little while, and when the time is right, real love will come […]

How to Leave a Narcissistic Husband | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says February 5, 2014

[…] during one of their Silent Treatments, use the opportunity to get your things and leave.  Initiate No Contact and stick with it.  If they come around and won’t leave you alone, call the police.  Get a […]

Mary Paz says February 1, 2014

It’s been 25 days of no contact and it feels great…. To be away from the precense of a person who thinks like they own you… I went tru so many things for 2 and a half yrs and it feels great to let go of something that no longer serves you grows you in any way… No contact is the best!

How We Attract the Narcissist – Vibrationally and Energetically | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says January 25, 2014

[…] why it’s crucial that we work on raising our vibration (in addition to No Contact) in order to change our ingrained beliefs of not being worthy, to those of loving ourselves and […]

When the Narcissist Promises to Change | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says January 24, 2014

[…] truly want things to be different, it’s critical that you be the one to change by implementing No Contact and sticking to it.  Why?  Because the Narcissist doesn’t love you.   He only wants you to […]

Are You Offering Yourself Up to Count Narcula? | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach says January 9, 2014

[…] spell.  Unless you enjoy being walking, talking raw hamburger, you should really consider taking No Contact seriously.  Don’t be a willing pawn in Narcula’s psychological killing spree.  Otherwise, you […]

No Contact is the First Step in Breaking the Trauma Bond | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach says January 7, 2014

[…] might also want to check out my 7-Day No Contact Challenge, which comes with tips and tools for maintaining No Contact.  If you try these methods and […]

Erica Johnson says January 5, 2014

I’m glad I found this post! I did 4 days no contact, because I decided that I wanted this year, 2014, to be a happy one. I called him this morning to tell him to stop contacting my family and I. I will not contact him anymore for 7 more days since reading this article. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Kim Saeed says January 5, 2014

    Great! I am anxious to find out your progress 🙂

Narcissist Says He Loves Me | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach says January 4, 2014

[…] with a Narcissist.  If at any time you become ready to leave and go No Contact, please refer to my 7-Day No Contact Challenge.  I am also available by email at letmereach at yahoo dot […]

Narcissistic Abuse = Prison Camp Effect | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach says December 31, 2013

[…] future, not your abusive Ex.  Many people get stuck at this point because they fail to establish No Contact effectively.  The truth is, as long as we keep exposing ourselves to our toxic abuser, we will not […]

Ixchel says December 30, 2013

Excellent post. One of the only ‘silver linings’ after I ended the relationship with the narcissist in my life was that he lived 100 miles away. This distance made ‘no contact’ very easy to attain. My higher self knew that ‘no contact’ was the only way to go as I had already deleted the email account I used to contact him and had gotten rid of the phone he had purchased for me. As I had zero control over the rest of the relationship, it was empowering at the end to know that I was able to control this one very important thing (no contact). It was very freeing to say to myself that I could choose to never see him again and to never even be in the town he lived in again. This has been hard, as it is my hometown from many decades ago, but it has still been a great gift to have been able to cease contact immediately. So many of my readers who leave comments become caught in the snare of seeing him/her just ‘one last time’ in a delusional hope that everything will work out; alas, it never does.

    Kim Saeed says December 30, 2013

    Hear, hear! Indeed, that “one last time” almost always leads to months or years of more misery and crippling abuse. People forget that they have a choice. We become so used to being controlled and manipulated, we don’t know how to exist without our abuser. We become entangled in their sick reality and make it our own. No Contact is the only first step out of Hell.

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