The first step in recovering from Narcissistic abuse is going No Contact. Yet, many people get stuck in this stage. Whether it’s due to a need for closure, crippling self-esteem issues, a need for revenge, or the inability to let go, allowing your Ex to contact you (or you contacting your EX) will keep you in an endless cycle of misery and pain.
Often, our misery is the result of choices we make. As humans, we are extremely creative in our ability to deny the negative consequences of those choices. In other words, we are so addicted to the crazy cycles we’ve created with our Narcissistic partner, we find any excuse to let them back into our world so we can feel a momentary high. But just as the alcoholic gives in and goes on a bender, there will be a price to pay for violating No Contact. If you drive down the same road day after day, your car will default to the ruts, and in doing so, reinforce the prior patterns in the dirt. If you want to get out of the rut, you will need to consciously choose another path and reinforce this new path until it becomes your established way of traveling. Similarly, if you want a different life free from the toxic effects of your Narcissist, you need to choose a different path — a path to freedom**.
The first step is going No Contact. The relationship with a Narcissist is an emotional and bio-chemical addiction. Because of this, the steps to “quitting your Narcissist” are the same as quitting an addiction to alcohol or substances. This is nothing to be ashamed of. We can also recreate ourselves. People do it every day. So, how do you finally complete this crucial step? First, let’s talk about what No Contact really means.
- No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your cell phone. Then, delete all voice mails in your “blocked” folder without listening to them.
- No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your email accounts. All of them. If you are the type that needs to explain what you are doing, then send a final email, and then block them. Don’t leave yourself open for a reply because doing so will only lead to more crazy-making.
- No Contact is – Blocking your Ex from your social networks. All of them. There is absolutely no reason to keep them on your “friends” list. This only leaves a window for you to monitor their activities online and is one reason why people remain so devastated. Don’t do that to yourself.
- No Contact is – Changing your cell phone number if necessary and only giving it to friends and family. Not your Ex.
- No Contact is – Not answering the door if they come over. And they might. Don’t crack the door so you can tell them you’re fulfilling the No Contact rule. It’s counter-productive and shows the Narc they are winning, which is all they want in the first place. If they insist, walk away from the door, go to your room, put in ear plugs, sing a ditty, or hook yourself up with earphones and your favorite song/meditation on YouTube. Pretend they aren’t there. If you begin to worry for your safety, go file a restraining order. No need to inform them you will do it, just do it.
- No Contact is – Letting a trusted friend open letters sent USPS to determine if they’re related to a legal matter or just their attempt at Hoovering). If they’re Hoovering attempts, let same friend destroy the letters, unless there’s concern of stalking and harassment.
- No Contact is – Not replying to friends they send your way in order to pump you for information.
- No Contact is – Not accepting any new “friend requests” on social networks, especially if it’s a request with no picture and was JUST established.
What No Contact Isn’t:
- No Contact Isn’t – a statement, a tool for revenge, or an event. It’s a decision to sever the relationship so you can save what’s left of your true self, heal, and hopefully go on to live a better life.
- No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them with complete access to call you and deciding if you will answer the phone or not when they call. That’s not No Contact…that’s “no response”. Leaving them with access to contact you will eventually cause you to give in.
- No Contact Isn’t – Leaving them on your “friends” list on your social networks so you can covertly show them how happy you are in order to make them jealous or miss you OR so you can post pretty pictures of yourself to make them “regret” how they treated you.
- No Contact Isn’t – Ignoring them for a few days to teach them a lesson, and then letting them back in as if nothing happened.
- No Contact Isn’t – Asking your mutual acquaintances about your Ex so you can find out if they are dating again.
- No Contact Isn’t – Sending a message or text that you will be going “No Contact” and then caving in when they start throwing a fit. They will throw a fit. Save yourself the drama. Keep those lines of communication blocked.
- No Contact Isn’t – Telling all your friends that you’ve gone No Contact, but secretly communicating with your Ex because you’re embarrassed of the truth.
Frequently Asked Questions about No Contact:
- Will it be hard? Yes. It will possibly be the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life.
- Does No Contact mean I am giving up on the relationship? I don’t like being a quitter. No Contact is not giving up on the relationship. It is deciding you deserve happiness, respect, and peace of mind. Staying in a toxic relationship that will eventually lead to your complete devastation isn’t noble. “Staying the course, no matter what” is an archaic, dogmatic “rule of life” that’s been passed down through generations and perpetuates toxic relationship dynamics.
- What will my Narc do when they figure out what is going on? There is absolutely no limit to what they will do. According to dailystrength.org:
They will attempt to re-establish contact once they realize they are being ignored. By sticking to “No Contact” you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you. It also helps to understand the reason behind some of their erratic behavior when they seem almost desperate to get you “back on board”. The reason for this is simple. Your indifference is making him panic because he has tried using the techniques that usually work for him but they are not working this time and this will be making him feel very insecure indeed. If you persist with “no contact” he is likely to respond to this by using all of the weapons in his arsenal in an attempt to force you to yield.
He may use intimidation. He may try to provoke you with nasty remarks that he thinks you will not be able to resist responding to. He may try flattery, telling you how no one else compares to you or perhaps he will even apologize (both completely insincere of course). Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behavior. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person. REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why “pity” is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realizes that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone.