I sat down to write him another email…
The words poured out effortlessly. I wanted him to understand how neglected I felt; how vulnerable and insecure his actions made me feel.
Then, before hitting the “send” button, I decided to save my rant as a word document, instead. Doing so seemed like the mindful thing to do since, realistically, it wasn’t up to him to repair my feelings of insecurity. An email tsunami to my partner wasn’t the answer. It was unfair to expect him to fix my feelings of unworthiness, even if his actions (or inaction) were what triggered my feelings of fearful vulnerability in the first place.
In fact, if your partner is a Narcissist, he or she will only use your vulnerability against you and make it worse.
But, my new partner wasn’t a Narcissist (at least I didn’t think so)…and maybe I was driving him away with my insecurity.
I decided in that moment to back away from the relationship a little. To allow myself the opportunity to sit with my feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and fear. Only by doing this and realizing I had more work to do, would I ever get to a place of true serenity. The thought of being alone frightened me, but it had to be done. If we were meant to be, things would work themselves out.
Only I could fix my insecurities, not anyone else.
Even though he had acted in ways that triggered my fears, I needed to trust my higher power. Maybe, just maybe, our relationship wasn’t meant to be and I was trying to force it because I was afraid. Perhaps our relationship was only meant to be temporary, another catalyst to help me grow and evolve.
I had to feel the fear and do it, anyway.
So, I decided to gently tell my partner I needed time away from our relationship. If our love was meant to be, we would find a way back to one another.
But, I had to find the way back to myself first.