Kim Saeed:  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Personal Growth
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5 Things to Never Do After Breaking Up with a Narcissist

Breaking up with someone you’ve spent part of your life with is never easy, whether you agreed to the breakup or were heartlessly discarded out of the blue.  

However, it’s what you do after the breakup which determines whether you will recover and move forward or stay hopelessly obsessed with your former partner. 

There are healthy ways to deal with your grief, which are common and reasonable, and there are unhealthy ways.  If you truly want to move forward after your breakup with a narcissist, make sure you avoid the following bloopers of breakup “etiquette”, which can ultimately spell disaster for you.

1 – Try to remain “friends”

Most people who breakup in healthy relationships typically don’t remain friends.  Sure, they may treat one another cordially, but the whole point of a breakup is to create distance so both parties can heal and move on. 

Narcissists, on the other hand, often make the seemingly heartfelt request that, although the two of you aren’t compatible, they care about you very much and hope you’ll agree to remain friends

Narcissists make this suggestion for one reason only.  They don’t want to commit, yet they want to keep you around as an option while they maintain their influence and control over your life.  They know full well that it would be impossible for you to move on, much less heal from their abuse, while they are still around. 

Until you’re okay with the narcissist seeing other people and telling you about their dating escapades, you’re not ready to be friends.

2 – Continue communicating on the regular

We all reflect on things we wish we’d said and lament over what we could have done differently while in the relationship.  This is especially true after a breakup with a narcissist due to their inherent need to blame you and everyone in your inner circle (including your aunt’s chihuahua) for the downfall of your relationship.

So perhaps you’re driving home from work and you see that quaint little Mexican restaurant the two of you used to frequent for their tasty margaritas.  You see a couple sitting in “your spot” and you feel nostalgic.  Suddenly, you want to pick up your phone and dial the ex’s number. 

Don’t do it.

Part of the reason you feel lost after the relationship is because you’re also having to deal with a serious upheaval in your routines and daily living habits.  But, another reason we feel so desperate after breaking up with a narcissist is that there is a deep void of unworthiness we want to fill. 

The void that was created and nurtured by the narcissist themselves. 

Don’t forget the narcissist’s true nature during moments of nostalgia.  You’ll never adapt to the single life or be able to move forward into healing if you remain under the narcissist’s pathological charm.

3 – Beg for another chance

I get it.  You’ve been ruminating over the narcissist’s cold voice, their disinterest, the continual parade that things are over for good, the shocking facts about their new life …

And worst of all, the neurotic pondering over insignificant details triggered by seeing them out with someone else.

You know you could make them happy if they’d just give the relationship another whirl.

Pets may look cute begging for a morsel of your tasty snack, but you won’t feel as cute as you beg for another chance in a relationship gone bad, especially after a breakup with a self-imputed love god.  Maybe you don’t understand what went wrong in the first place – and this is wonderful news for the self-righteous narcissist, who will use the opportunity to further condemn you…thereby ensuring you will keep precious space open for them while they’re off galivanting with new supply. 

It won’t turn out good for you if you beg for another go.  Plus, you’ll hate yourself for it later after the sting of humiliation and regret sets in.

4 – Have a sleepover

The narcissist calls out of the blue, you cave to the hoovering.  You go out for dinner or maybe you invite them over to Netflix and chill.  Before you know it, things get steamy and you end up sleeping with the narcissist because it feels like they truly care for you in the moment.

Then, you catch them checking out a dating app on their phone or hiding a text that came through from their new dating partner.

This is why the regrets of the dying don’t include sleeping with their narcissistic ex one last time.

5 – Cyberstalk the ex

Can’t resist the urge to look at the ex’s Facebook page after your breakup? It calls your name and whispers, “Guess what’s going on over here!” A little peek won’t hurt, right?

Stalking your Ex and their new partner on Facebook (or any social media platform) is directly correlated with a huge delay in your healing process (I’m talking possibly years) and worse, may incite your plummeting into a swirling eddy of despair, leading to depression and the need for serious pharmaceutical meds.

Resist the urge to stalk your ex online. “Defriending” and blocking can help you avoid the constant temptation to check in and see if your ex is living a life more awesome than yours (which is all smoke and mirrors, anyway).

Conclusion

If you’ve been devalued and discarded by the narcissist in your life, then neurologically, keeping them around will only strengthen your biochemical addiction that formed inside the relationship.  Plus, the continued rejection by the narcissist activates the same centers in your brains physical pain.  In many cases, people describe emotional pain to be much worse.

Letting go isn’t a one-time thing, it’s something you have to do every day, over and over again.

When you let go of someone who was bad for you, you make room in your life for healing and new possibilities.  It’s important that you stop leaning on the narcissist for comfort because that keeps you tied to them.  You delay your healing process and avoid learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact.

It will feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done, BUT, it will also be the most liberating thing you’ve ever done.

Copyright Kim Seed and Let Me Reach 2017

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19 comments
Shirley Akpelu says June 19, 2018

Thanks for this article. It has been two full years since we went no contact and three years since
I was discarded. I should thank the narc swine for discarding me. Now I can be myself again.
I will not receive his evil activities or tactics. I did not have a real marriage any way, so why not just get out of it!

It has been difficult but worth it. Any relationship that is one sided is toxic and needs to be dealt with. I am healing and recovering. Thank you Kim for all your help.

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Sebastian says April 24, 2018

Hi,

THANK YOU soo much for that webpage. It helps me a lot ! I have one question: Does it make sense to tell the narcissist, in the sense of a clear statement or manifest: “YOU DON`T HAVE ANY POWER OVER ME ANYMORE”….? Will that do any good ?

Sebastian

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    Kim Saeed says May 2, 2018

    Hi Sebastian,

    You could do that if it makes you feel better, but it won’t do anything but make the narcissist try to prove you wrong. That’s why I recommend the “Unsent Letter” method for gaining closure.

    Kim

    Reply
Sherry Schultz says March 12, 2018

Join the exes club! I lived in such fear ex would kill me dead (long story but let’s just say HE TRIED). Ex is alcoholic & 22 guns/rifles. You have right to be concerned BUT heard this fear of death so many times & it’s like… growing up I had this cat. He would venture out finding nests of mice or bunnies. He would bring one to house to play. He would look so mad when smaller critter died bc no fun to play with once dead. Feel like that mouse for nearly 2 decades. I took pictures of guns to send to friends & lawyer, along with letter explaining my death would be likely by him. I moved out – told my neighbors to look out for his car AND got a dog. She’s a sweetie but part pitt bull so looks scary. Most importantly HE NEVER CAME AFTER ME once filed – well came after me every way possible in court but never harmed me. Paranoia can be good thing BUT GETS BETTER

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Sherry Schultz says March 12, 2018

The ex moved on before I had even moved out; FB was absolutely PAINFUL bc so FAKE& he moves on (he cheated throughout marriage but never see a post of him& a hooker 😁). Living in a teeny town sharing 2 kids is difficult enough bc of the years of smear campaign & ex loves being the victim!

It’s been almost 4 years since I filed. The RAGE & ANGER to him never returning messages about kids— he’s moved a new target in with her kids- WHEN DOES THE NARC MOVE ON? In a social media support group, this has been topic lately of HOW LONG DOES IT GO ON?’ Some have dealt w narcs for almost 10yrs, have feeling this may be very common…

The ex worked my family for YEARS (of course I had NO IDEA); a lifelong conflict with my narc mother must have been BONUS for ex bc so easy. My parents victims too though they cannot accept HE is the monster NOT me. Through divorce which my parents did depo for HIM over custody; long run it was a blessing bc only then did I begin to see how messed up parents really are. LIBERATING yet painful as hell. First holidays apart, my parents flew him & girls to stay w them. OMG BATTLE OF THE NARCS! My mother vs “douche” has been interesting to say least. Can only imagine them all together – actually, let that one go bc very unproductive to imagine.THEM. Parents went from NO CONTACT to “visit by visit to evaluate what is BEST FOR ME. Narc pulled same stunt w his 1st ex & being replacement child or whatever sick reason. Last summer>fall things BLEW w my family after (saw on FB new target FRIENDS with MY SON?!?). Told my parents DO NOT LIE ABOUT HOW MUCH YALL TALK ETC. 16yrs w narc plus 50 years w my mother, became very good at assessing danger n lies. Ex took new target to hang for vacation (parents live 700mi away).AT MY PARENTS HOME twice. He doesn’t even try to put on act of having the girls as excuse to stay w folks… he went months with ignoring my parents. But it’s started again with him going through my family to get at me. Sounds paranoid but recognize games now 🤔 next week going to stay with folks WITH our kids AND target AND target’s 2 kids. It’s become comical bc the way they pretend they don’t talk. CRACKING UP now bc my mother had NO IDEA target plus kids GOING TO SEE THEM for 6 days. Grabbing popcorn now to see this one play out FAR FAR AWAY.

Yes find humor now but still CPTSD triggers. Why? WHAT IS HE UP TO BC ITS SOMETHING… then read your article & clicked why triggered; this trip planned with never even telling me – reminds me HE STILL TRYING TO MESS W ME… he got everything I had in divorce. Not like he’s so angry bc he got the shaft; DOES IT EVER STOP? Seriously, I explain to friends, when couples split it’s usually very ugly at first. But over time, one softens and moves beyond angry rage. Narcs don’t soften or make any peace w exes. How does one move forward when narc pokes & pokes for some sick fun? Upside is they aren’t creative with attacks so have become very predictable but WHY N HOW LONG? Shouldn’t he be focusing on new target by now? I know little known about narcopaths until recently but…

Thanks for all you have done! Hearing stories and sharing with others has been a breath of sanity in an insane situation

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Jyothi says December 8, 2017

Hello Kim

All of 38 and from a conservative society like India ,i got married this year to a man who perfectly fits your description of a narcissist . Im a single woman with a old mother to support, he read me well and his mask came off 2 weeks after the wedding when he brought his ex to our marital home and humiliated me in front of her. bad enough i got pregnant within a month of marriage and his weirdness just grew to a point that i walked out of the marriage in 1.5 months and suffered a miscarriage and a uterus hemorrhage with all the stress . Now i am fighting a legal battle to keep him at bay and i realize i was his source for money . i’, going through the trauma like you explained and have started practicing certain tips. Im only worried if he will resort to physically harming me or my mother cause the law of the land is very loose to nab him.

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Anonymous says November 28, 2017

I’m so glad i just read that was going to meet him for a coffe after seeing a pic of him and new romance ( with her toddler) on fb. It would be an oppurtunity for him to gloat…fck him and her poor thing she has no clue of whats coming

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Connie says November 8, 2017

Don’t know who I am anymore, my first marriage I was very badly physically abused, he was 8 years older then I, well bruises go away. This one I was with for 12 years. Could figure out what was wring with me till reading gaslighting and narsinist I don’t even know if I said it right. You the red flags are all there, I don’t want to live anymore.

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KL says November 6, 2017

Great advice!! All of the tips are so true! I left a narcissist after 18 years and with help from family and friends lived by those tips. I am living a more complete and fulfilling life now. Freedom from a narcissist is a truly amazing feeling!

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Vince says November 6, 2017

Wow I can relate to almost everything in this ……. but I can’t seem to break through

Desperate to look for help

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    Kim Saeed says November 12, 2017

    Hi Vince,

    I am sorry to know you’re having such difficulty. I remember that stage of my recovery very well. I didn’t have any resources to help and even seeing seven different therapists did no good.

    Have you ever considered enrollment in my course? It could help you with detaching, healing, and even what to do in your spare time as you heal. One of the best parts of the course is the private group. Our members are incredibly encouraging and helpful, there’s almost always someone to chip in and offer a helping hand when you’re feeling down. Here is a link for your review: https://courses.letmereach.com/p/the-essential-no-contact-accelerator-course

    Either way, I wish you all the best.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Masterc says September 28, 2017

All I can say as it sets in is– Thank you!!!

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Anonymous says September 26, 2017

Great advice Kim!

It ain’t easy swimming upstream, but salmon have to accomplish this. We must accomplish the task of moving on in a positive from toxic, hostile, abusive people. It is good to see their tactics, schemes, devices and smile to yourself knowing this person is NOT your friend. They mean you no good. They pretend to support you but could care less. It is good to know who your enemy is and know how they think and operate–to stay one step ahead of them. My healing and recovery have been helped with Divine Intervention. Halleluyah. Keep pushing everyone change is gon come!

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    Kim Saeed says September 27, 2017

    Wonderful advice, Anon! 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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Lesley says September 26, 2017

Hi Kim, I read your blogs and posts often, I am happy to say that after two and a half years of insanely hard work and forcing myself to follow the advice, my ex has become just someone that I used to know. I made mistakes and have stutter stepped, but I am grateful to be out, and grateful for the lessons learned.

I had a thought that I wanted to share with you. Many cult leaders are narcissists, and I was wondering if narcissistic relationships could be equated with cult programming. If so, would deprogramming techniques help to speed individuals recovering from narcissistic abuse?

It seems like something to consider and I wanted to share just in case opening the door to that possibility could help people release and recover a little easier and faster.

Thanks for all the information you share, I find it to be spot on with my personal situation.

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Dayna says September 26, 2017

Your emails always come when I need them most. I’ve been with my N on and off for 15 years. We recently worked together after not seeing each other for almost two years. During the time we worked together, he was amazing and did everything I could have ever wanted and never got. As business was ending I knew I should walk away and enjoy what It was but he convinced me to hang around…. It’s been over a month now and I barely hear from him, only when I start it. Reading your post, just reaffirms everything I need to do…

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    Kim Saeed says September 26, 2017

    Hi Dayna,

    Standing behind you as you take your power back and step into healing once and for all!

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
      Anonymous says September 26, 2017

      Thanks

      Reply
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